cursedthoughtz

[cursedthoughtz]

third post (06.03.2020)

8:22pm

i think i have a crush on a psychopath. problematic for many reasons. the first one being that its extremely attractive to me. second one, i’m an overly emotional person with probably too much empathy, meaning i need constant reassurance and emotionally fueled relationships. i develop very large crushes on people, obsessing over them and letting them strictly control my thoughts, sometimes making them my only reason to live. which is both embarrassing and toxic. i create versions of them in my head and fantasize about that version all day long. i do this when i barely know the person, i was about halfway through this process when i started purposefully trying to point out their flaws to myself in order to break the cycle. when i started putting all the red flags together.... i definitely jumped to the psychopath conclusion, which keep in mind, is a huge assumption (i barely know him) and i could be overthinking it. then i went on google.. which is a dumb idea all on its own. 1 in 100. that’s the statistic, 1 in 100 people you meet are psychopaths. He stays extremely calm in stressful situations at work, hes extremely charming and never really shows emotion. he absolutely adores dogs which drew me to him. whenever we’d see one, we’d get all happy together. but when i told him my childhood dog passed away a couple weeks ago, he didn’t say anything. as i was doing my crude and unlikely credible research on google it said that psychopaths are drawn to dogs because they're easily manipulated. yikes. am i overthinking this? for some reason though emotionally unavailable guys draw me in like magnets. if you seen my track record, this is not hard to believe. just the fact that they’ll never feel the same way about me, and there’s this barrier between us making them unattainable just makes me want it more. but this time is different, i was drawn to him because hes a responsible, mature, good (i thought) person. i imagined having an innocent and loving relationship for once. a comfortable one with no risks involved, just a safe person. a person to settle down with per say which would be a breath of fresh air compared to the drug dealing, pot smoking, manipulative, crazy, adventurous guys i have a long complicated history with. hes like a sunday morning brunch type of guy. am i just trying to find any reason to mess this up for myself. or is the only reason i was even attracted to him in the first place was that i subconsciously knew he was emotionally unattainable. either way i’m not sure how to go about it. do i let myself get attached to him and let things progress (because for once i think i have a chance with him) and then best case scenario, hes normal and we have this romantic adorable relationship, or worst case scenario im right an do i enter a relationship with a psychopath that manipulates me that i wont be able to escape from because im so obsessive and ill convince myself that i can fix him or that he’ll somehow love me even though hes not capable of feeling love. 

im an extremely romantic person. i always have been, im obsessed with the idea of love and soulmates. which im aware is not unique but its a key factor of my personality. its the thing i seek out most in life.probably why i become so attached to people i barely know. 

either way, i think i have a crush on a psychopath.

[cursedthoughtz]

second post (5.30.2020)

5:07pm

i feel a lot better today. although my awful days hit a lot harder than my good days, which is unfortunate. thankfully they do make guest appearances. its nice to have this outlet that’s sort of public but not really. i don’t think ill ever tag these posts because at the end of the day i don’t really want anyone to read this. it just feels less like a cringy diary when there’s posting involved. if you do read this though, its nice to know that someone out there that knows these things about me. ive kept my thoughts secret for so long, and now theyre finally out there......oof. and weve only barely scraped the surface.

[cursedthoughtz]

first post (5.28.2020)

11:55pm

i wonder what other people think about, the small little thoughts that cross their mind day to day. i wonder if i’m really as different as i think i am. i’ve always had darker thoughts, but not the scary kind. never towards other people, always towards me. 

thoughts i dont think i could share with anyone or say out loud. Ive long stopped going to therapy. my therapist was the only one who even knew a crumb of what goes on in my stupid, hilarious, mean head. i once told him that sometimes id be in the middle of a decent and pleasant conservation and id say something just a tad awkward, like 4/10 if we were measuring and my mean brain would immediately start repeating it over and over to me, calling me stupid and retarded. ive never really felt in control of my brain. quite the other way around actually. it has me on a leash. although i have gotten extremely better than what it used to be. it used to tell me to bash my head into corners of tables. and it would imagine all the gory details, and then after forcing that image into my head (usually in public too, sometimes school) it would play a mini slideshow of my mom and sister crying, and my best friend wailing as she heard the news of this horrible, horrible, unimaginable thing id done to myself. and for no reason either. all that for a little bit of awkwardness. i used to be so comfortable telling suicide jokes. for some reason it like “came into trend” or something. kms was the most used acronym for a while. i could say it constantly and it felt like this big weight off my shoulders because i was finally saying it out loud but in a socially acceptable way and people would laugh, and i would feel happy for a split second. but then id realize what we were all laughing about. laughing about the fact that i just said i wanted to jump off a bridge. ive stopped doing that and now suicide jokes make me quite uncomfortable. i hate when other people say it. the mean judgmental hypocritical never-been-wrong-in-its-life side of my brain will assume that the person saying “kill me” because they were late to work has never known the true pain of that feeling before. and they should shut the fuck up because they've never been lying in the fetal position on the floor of their bedroom, crying until they cant breathe, just replaying every traumatic thing that has ever happened to them. wishing and praying to a god they dont believe in to just take them out of this planet because they cant stand another minute trapped inside their head with cursed thoughts. but then i take a deep breath and remember i used to say that probably 15x a day. and i damn well meant it. i said it with a huge stupid cheesy smile on my face too, so i have no right taking away what could be their little comfort of expressing that burden. that used to be me.

its hard when youre sad or depressed to not feel superior or like youre in the most pain and nobody would even be able to stand it for a second if they were in your shoes. but the truth is thats stupid. as fuck. everybodys got that little mean voice in their head (i think, at least i hope. cause if not i need to be admitted somewhere lmfao) some peoples mean voices are just louder. but what do i know. nobody's even reading this right now, thank god. but if you are, dont listen to me. i like to lie to myself and pretend i have all the answers and i know everything about life because of all the fucked up stuff ive had to go through. but genuinely, the truth is no one knows shit. not unless they can magically read everyone minds. “we only have our own ideas of other peoples ideas” (i stole that from bo burnham. man is a comedy legend) 

ew i just reread this and it sounded so cringy. what am i 13 years old again? jesus christ. its truly hard to read. but this what i decide to waste my time thinking and writing about, so i guess id better be exposed to that harsh reality sooner or later. i dont want you (imaginary person reading this) to get this impression of me, like im that emo kid from the lorax. im not. in real life i think i come across quite normal. thats the reality of depression i guess. its always right in front in you. can you imagine if i told my coworkers i used to think about bashing my head into walls??? right now they think im some ditzy, happy-go-lucky dumbass with her head in the clouds, which dont get me wrong, does coexist with the other part of my brain. but i just couldn't even imagine the look on their faces if i ever told them what i really think about. which brings me right back to the beginning..... what do they think about?