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high school as a whole— id describe my personal experience as honestly alright. like those two words. anyways im in my feels at 2:49AM just at the crack of may so.. i decided i wanted to keep a list of things i wanted to remember— the little things that ill prob miss the most.

i dont know if ill write things pertaining to previous years but for now ill just talk about my favourite grade thus far— senior year :•)

- managing to catch a bus with reka in the morning

- gayshee’s daily morning where are you texts

- iced coffee (usually ft. gayshee)

- going to preso after school with plumperoo and grincheroo saying that we’re going to study but i end up sleeping half of the time

- sleeping in business class and then getting a 96

- sitting behind and annoying mason

- greeting katlyn and acknowledging every thing she does

- when i had an afternoon spare and could go on dates with yvonne and eventually kathy on the reg

- bussing home with joey.. haha

- pretending i dont see my co-workers on the bus

- rowan greeting me well whenever we cross paths

- being able to talk to michelle and knowing we’re still alright despite everything

- kyra and i’s height differences whenever we hugged

- acting up with grachelle cus it’s hard not to when it’s with her

- that warm enveloping feeling after every lil interaction with ykw..

ermm tbcont

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i think a lil self-reflection will be good here. 

ok, so i am dating kev! it happened after a long string of events which essentially stemmed from the idea that it’s my last year who fucking cares. and boy did i fucking care but even moreso i am so glad i pretended i did not.. i was admittedly unsure at first esp. considering.. i didnt know him THAT well? but he has (as cheesy and dumb as it sounds) really gone beyond my expectations and i feel at this point I’M the one that needs to pick it up lmao. 

when i look at it from an outside perspective i feel really lucky.. that i was able to get to know him beforehand, that he was someone i was actually, genuinely interested in, and that our situations are so similar that we’re basically experiencing all our firsts together? he’s just... LMAO... he’s the perfect first boyfriend!!!!!! OK!!!!!!! like even NOT considering the fact that he’s cute and i was infatuated at first he’s ACTUALLY a good guy.. which makes me think that i will probably never not love him. he’s my first and while i wouldn’t mind if he was my last EITHER WAY i am so grateful it was him lol. i dont want to be naive about it either... but like i said.. i wouldn’t mind >_<

in any case ykw? still dumb conflicted but i think i hate talking about it so idk.. idkkk.... i wish i could just accept how things are and get on with life but it’s still hard haha... like thinking about it makes me cry! and honestly i want to tell myself that its ok and that my feelings are valid and i should be allowed to feel them but the fact that it’s such a concern and priority in my life just makes me feel so dumb. my life is good, i have people who care about me and people who bring me up and people whom i would do the same and yet i am so concerned about this particular person? it’s just so dumb!!!!!!! i want to stress vomit!!!!!!!!!!! or like break a hand or something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on the other hand, previous issues don’t seem to be as prominent in my life... or even relevant i guess... i feel bad that my life seems to be going well and others aren’t and that i just can’t be there for them and i want to tell myself again that i’m doing what i can and that’s fine but there’s still guilt there. and also hatred. it’s a lot of feelings

i ran out of feelings stamina here so maybe i’ll update another day. hm

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i am SO dumb for ykw i dont even want to talk about it lmfaoo.... but i need to vent so

every time i see some variation of their name i straight up wanna vomit. and i swear they be showing up more often than they should. like its as if life is playing me like a fool bcs it knows im a fool and i am especially a fool for them

things like them remembering weird shit about my life make me gassed asf but also not knowing things i thought were common enough knowledge makes me so cheesed LOOL.. like howre u about to remember the specific ppl i hung out with in grade 9 and recall really specific events but not remember i was part of...... like....

and the fact that i feel like i understand them super well while simultaneously not understanding them at all is super nauseating cus i never kno anything even when i feel like i do.

its just so dumb that im this aware of them and get irrationally upset when they dont show that same sense of consciousness esp cus i KNO they do acknowledge me as a worthwhile person to some extent but not as badly as i do them lmao

irrelevant and also unhealth but why the thought of them getting cuffed make me wanna die but i dont even wanna cuff myself

i mean..i would but its just too off that i wouldnt.. i guess??

LMFAO and the fact that im still frazzled over the time i let it slip that i wanted them to come thru to a get together and nothing rly came out of it other than making shallow plans..... like im still embarassed but honestly the amount of times theyved fooled their damn self in front of me balances it out imo

like why u keep spitting food on me...):

i dont even kno where im going with this. i cant even decide whether im in love or just have an unhealthy fixation because honestly both are very bad

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i am very conflicted for a stupid reason.

i talk about this bih as if i hate her whenever she’s not around but when she is... i’m pretty chill? like i can be rude but it can easily be played off as friendly teasing even if its not what i intend.

after researching further (xd) the only explanation i can get behind is the fact that.. almost everyone has something to say about her. and me, being socially inept but also craving interaction, clings onto her as a topic because there’s so much i can talk about with this-- esp. w ppl i have nothing in common with! i am using my simple, not so deep annoyance w her as a tool to make friends essentially. which may b why im so ugh at the thought of her coming to the thing this friday/any other hangout w YKW because YKW is someone im still trying to build a relationship with and she is a topic i can use with her and her being there will likely not help me with anything. in the end it all goes back to YKW which is a lil disgusting actually.

maybe talking about YKW will make me feel better :(

i like her....as a friend and as just a person in general.. like she has flaws but they are the endearing kind not the bad kind. we’ve gotten closer but i feel like a lot of work is on my end but i dont think thats a fair thing to think nor would it necessarily be a bad thing considering what should forreal be on her mind. most of my feelings are unreasonable but above anything else i just......want to be friends with her. i think she’s sensible and has good judgement so obviously i would care about what she thinks of me because if she didn’t like me that would mean smth is fr wrong w me lol. tho theres the whole idea of her having no real opinion and is alright w me but fr some reason that ticks me off. idk why im saying some reason when i know its bcs i care so much. i care too much.

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this bout to be the most bi post ever written n idk why i cant stay loyal but w/e.

she’s just so cute i dont fucking kno ok.. the kind of visuals thatll ruin ur ideal type forever aka im speaking from experience. not to mention the fact that shes such a good smart person in general? like i wish she was annoying. and she can be but its the good kind of annoying. the endearing kind. like not to be sapiosexual or anything but i just want to have so many conversations wit her, falkdfsgl

i have so many feelings about this man idk.his looks are plenty but its just.... his personality......hes got that dumb considerate hero complex and he isnt condescending and he’s just such a good boy i wanna cry. like i wanna be this guy. i wanna be him as much as i wanna love him. I JUST WANT TO SEE U

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ok so the goldberg test says i might have mild depression xd

i have enough health problems already so i dont want to make my parents pay for therapy or pills or anything.. 

im just really sad. i dont even want to die or anything. i just feel really isolated and bad all the time. literally what happened ahahah