cynderfull

[cynderfull]

Friday, November 8th 2019:

It’s honestly absolutely crazy sometimes to realize that you’re in a place in your life where you are so freaking happy about so freaking much.

Finding a career path that is SO beyond suited for me that I’ve realized I have such a strong passion for, getting straight A’s and B’s in school where most of my school experience prior to Mt. SAC was struuuuuggling to make C’s and D’s (if that), being in a relationship with the sweetest guy who treats me so well and works so well together with me as a team, having the opportunity to live at home for the time being while I finish up my A.S degree, the fact that I live in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, somewhere that I have wanted to live my entire life. I have a ridiculously reliable car that I drive, I absolutely love my job, my parents are awesome, I have spare money to spend on hobbies-- I could go on. And on. And on.

Being in this “mountaintop” season, where I was in a valley-season for sooo long, is almost worrisome in way. Like, “Man, things are going so good! ...Too good...”

All I know is that I am thankful as all heck for all that I have, big and small. Thankful for how far I’ve come in life personally, within my relationships, in my job, in my career, in my health, in my hobbies, how I spend my free time-- AND LITERALLY SO MUCH MORE.

I’m just so thankful to God and I don’t even know how to express it.

Also, v important things that have happened since I posted last:

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE GOT BACK TOGETHER.

I’ve been playing Club Penguin Online, which is an exact regularly-updating replica of Club Penguin, complete with a consistantly-updating Discord. 

My hair is blue! I love it.

My feet are better! Still have problems, but better!

C. Diff is gone after another transplant! (Hopefully it’s gone forever!!!)

Seriously, my boyfriend is so great and I am so beyond blessed to do life with him.

[cynderfull]

Monday, July 8th 2019:

Over the moon.

God truly works in mysterious ways, and His timing is SO-HOH-HOH much better than literally anything that I could ever fathom.

On July 4th 2019, Trevor asked me to be his girlfriend at the same spot that we had our magical date 1 year prior.

Having our relationship literally built off of a best friendship, insane trust, love, compassion, and life experiences, with God at the absolute center is just the best, and beyond anything I could have ever had asked for.

I am speechless. And I am so freaking happy, and excited to start this new chapter of Trevor and I’s journey together.

7 - 4 - 19 <3

[cynderfull]

Friday, May 17th 2019:

Just a teeny, tiny snapshot of the past almost half of an awesome year!

I usually post more often than this, as I like to keep a more consistent blog of my life. I guess I’ve just been busy, focused on other things, and honestly mmmostly just still continuing to overcome a lot of health issues.

In March, I had a Fecal Transplant for my c. diff infection, which proved to be successful, praise the Lord!

In April, I had a severe re-occurrence of OCD and anxiety that led me to start taking medication for my mental health for the first time.

And now, I’m working on getting my “Plantar Fasciitis”/high arches issue fixed, which at this point I’ve been dealing with for close to a year. I’m in the process of working through finding a pair of orthotics that work for my feet, so that looks promising to giving me my freedom and independence back. It’s just a matter of getting the correct inserts and having them work. It’s a work in progress, but I am most certainly in the process of getting this all figured out and solved.

Besides the health issues, I’ve fallen even more in love with my job! I handle a lot of social media for work, in additional to other responsibilities, and I love it so. much. I’ve always loved every job that I’ve had in the past. But like. I. l o v e . this job.

Otherwise, I’ve been eating a lot of Korean BBQ (which I have taken a long, respected break from because oh my gosh, Trevor and I ate Korean BBQ LITERALLY every single Saturday [minus one] for LITERAL MONTHS ON END.) growing in my relationship with God in new ways, hanging out a ton with Trevor around SoCal on our weekend adventures and taking a million pictures, and truly just doing what I can in this season with the abilities that I have.

I also freaking fell in LOVE with rock climbing! I am absolutely obsessed. It’s such a thrill and so much fun to go up in levels and push yourself. (Thank you, Trevor!)

Through everything. Every trial. Every victory. Every set back. I’m trusting God. I have to. Trusting that His plan is bigger. Trusting that there is a freaking mountaintop overlooking a FANTASTIC, beautiful, great life with a whole new perspective that I would have only gained from walking this path, after this big, huge, messy valley.

God is still in control and He. Will. Bring. Me. Through. This.

[cynderfull]

Sunday, January 6th 2019:

2018. What. A. Year.

This year started off with a surge of ambition and drive as I bought plane tickets to Portland, Oregon with about 24 hours between having the idea to actually purchasing the tickets, set off on that amazing trip which would ignite my fire for wanting to travel SO much more (even if solo!), kicked a whole heck of a lot of butt in my Winter and Spring 2018 semesters in school, and was determined this year to not let opportunities pass me by, not leave words left unsaid, to just go for it. I started this year with a fire in my heart and determination surging through my veins.

The second half of the year greatly paralleled the fire of the first half of the year. Dismissed by me for months as being something that I didn’t want to talk about, something that I expected and planned on letting pass me by without making too much of a mention of it, and just returning back to my usual life, here I am, talking about it.

The second half of 2018 was accompanied by two health problems. The onset of, what is still a bit of a mystery, foot problems, causing me a great deal of trouble walking even short distances, and with the onset of Fall, a c. diff bacterial infection in my intestines that antibiotics are still fighting to this day in early 2019.

Both of these health problems have nearly stopped me in my tracks, and have caused me to alter my life for the time being. My diet was altered for a while with c. diff. And along with that came an all-night ER visit. My feet have been the biggest thing for me, taking away a lot of my independence to just be able to do things, run errands, stand in a line. Things that we so (really. so) take for granted. Things like Disneyland trips, conventions, concerts, even something as simple as a trip to the mall, have proved impossible for me at this time, and I actually did struggle and dip into a bit of a depression for a while.

Filled to the brim with fear.

Stopped in my tracks with doubt.

Pining after my former self.

I just wanted to l i v e again. I just wanted to be me.

All of this to say that despite all that 2018 brought me, God has brought on provision abundant: God has loved me through my pain, He has provided a rock-solid support system through my parents and friend to love me, encourage me, speak life into me, reassure me, and point me to Him. He has hand-picked and provided a great friend for me in this time to make me laugh, to give me hope, to comfort me, to make me love and experience life with.

God shined light in my darkness. God broke me to rebuild me. God was with me every step of the way. God has a plan. God has a purpose. God is good.

So while I enter 2019 not where I would like to be, I enter 2019 where God wants me to be. Sitting at His feet. Waiting. Praising. Praying. Thanking.

God carried me through 2018 and He will sure as heck carry me through 2019. I don’t know if I’ll be fully healed next week, next month, in 4 months, 6 months, 8 months, a year, but I do know that God will bring me through this.

I will praise Him when this is over, and right now I will shout praises from the hallway while I wait on my deliverance.

God is teaching me so much, and I would be foolish to not sit and listen to all that He has for me in this season.

He. Is. Good.

You know how you hear about people saying that God like, gave them a word or a message or something? Totally happened to me. Like, a few weeks ago at this point, I prayed that God would show me why this was happening to me. I flipped through the Bible and nothing really popped out at me, so I decided to sit there and wait for a verse to come to my head. Any verse. Absolutely anything. After like, a minute, “........Joshua... 1:.........9. ...Joshua 1:9. ...Ok?” Low and behold, out of any verse in the entire Bible that could have popped into my head:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

I really don’t know what 2019 will bring, but I do know who holds it, sees it, planned it, and is over it.

2019, let’s do this.

[cynderfull]

Monday, October 8th 2018:

I feel like God has been teaching me to slow down and enjoy the little things; to not take things for granted.

He’s been showing me this in two ways.

One: For the past few months, I’ve been fighting problems with my feet, which I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts. I was diagnosed with Plantar Fasciitis in Mid-August, which has very slowly been getting better (yay!), -- although, emphasis on the very slowly.

Just this past Saturday, I was able to go out with a friend and spend the evening in San Diego, having fun, walking around, and standing in a line: with no fear of straining my feet. This was recently something that even a few weeks ago, I had to be really careful with. Walking or standing for long periods of time could hurt my feet, and was something that I had to be mindful of whenever going out and really, doing anything.

My feet are not “there yet”. They’re not “completely healed” just yet, and I do still have to be mindful of walking very long distances or standing for a long amount of time. Going on a day trip to a place like Disneyland, or walking around a city all day, and driving without Cruise Control things that still have yet to come, and I think will kind of mark my feet being fully healed.

But through all of this, God has showed me the simple pleasure of things that we can so, so easily take for granted. Being able to drive around Southern California, like I so enjoy doing. Being able to walk around cities and enjoy myself while exploring new places. Being able to simply stand in a long line with no fear of my feet feeling tight or in pain. You don’t realize the luxury of it until it’s taken away from you.

God has also shown me this recently with a stomach virus that I’ve been going through. Seriously, you don’t realize how thankful you are to be able to eat and digest food properly until you can’t.

Two: I’ve been focusing on truly enjoying every. single. day. I’ve tried to pretty much throw out the “working for the weekend” mentality, and simply enjoy every day. Whether it’s Monday, Thursday, Sunday, whatever! Every day has joy and beauty in it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the weekend! And I love having that break to generally have more time to do things that I enjoy. But not enjoying 5 out of the 7 days of the week just seems so wasteful. I think that’s part of the reason why people talk about time flying by so much. I feel like the idea of “having fun” is placed on the weekend, and Monday through Friday is just a monotonous routine to get by, all while having your sights fixed on Friday night; not enjoying the present day as it is, when we should be finding things to enjoy and celebrate every day.

That is what God has been teaching me recently.

[cynderfull]

Wednesday, September 5th 2018:

Something occurred to me today as I was walking out of work.

Like a little nudge or a whisper.

I feel like, at times, I’ve spent too much time being disappointed that I’m not exactly where I want to be in life. And that when I do get to that point that I want to reach, that I’ll be happy and things will be great. I mean, receiving a blessing or a desire of your heart that you’ve been waiting for is amazing and it is great! But I need to have hope and faith and contentment in God in all seasons of my life, and in all situations.

Two specific situations that come to my mind, in my life personally, are wanting to be in a committed relationship that will lead to marriage, and currently, getting over this injury that I sustained over the summer.

The marriage one has gone on for a while. Looking back, I see evenings or events that I’ve spent in a sour mood because I’m still single and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, or man at the end of the tunnel (can I read that to my future Husband who will hopefully laugh at that, knowing that he was in fact, the “man at the end of the tunnel.”)

“When will it happen?”

“It doesn’t seem like it’s going to come.”

“Everyone else is finding people and/or getting married.”

“Why is it so easy for everyone else to find someone.”

Now, I understand that having a desire for something that God has deemed good, and having moments or situations or evenings where you’re frustrated and not in the best mood because that desire has not been fulfilled yet is OK. It’s ok to want something and have moments where you wish you had it right now. This attitude just shouldn’t be persistent and constant, and interfere so greatly with your life.

The injury one has gone on for about a month. The bottoms of both of my feet are injured currently due to a common runner’s injury. It’s hard to drive, my feet constantly hurt in some way, and they’re stiff and uncomfortable. A portion of my independence is currently on hold.

Oh, how I wish I could just get in my car and drive to Orange County. How I wish I could stand at Disneyland for 12 hours without a care in my mind. How I just want to not stretch my feet. All. The. Time.

In this situation, it’s so easy to just set my mind to the future and wait for this time to pass as I seek out professional advice and do my exercises to get better (which, with this injury, can be weeks or months), but I should be seeking joy and noticing God’s provision and goodness in every season of my life, whether that be a fantastic and breathtaking mountaintop season, or a difficult and hard valley with no defined end in sight.

God is with me, and I need to enjoy every season of my life. Whether I am single at 24, or spending a season of time healing from an injury, God is here with me and will provide. I need to rejoice every single day, looking forward to the days to come, but enjoying exactly where I am right now.

[cynderfull]

Sunday, August 12th 2018:

New glasses, new summer, new experiences!

Wow, God has been teaching me a lot this summer. Where to begin.

This summer (so far! It’s not over just yet!) has been tremendously fun. Filled with a trip back East, San Diego Comic Con, The OC Fair, magical nights, and much too short, amazing days.

This summer has also been really hard in a lot of ways, both physically and mentally. This summer started off with an absolutely horrible short season of a couple of weeks of intense anxiety that had to be fought through, and led to me canceling my trip in late June to Zion National Park in Utah. I’ve also experienced an eye infection that has left me laying off of wearing my makeup for a while (Something that I found a part of my identity in.) And most recently, I’ve been experiencing a sudden onset of excruciating pain in both of my feet, and toes, leading me to believe I’m going through “Plantar Fasciitis”, which I’m assuming was caused by my constant wearing of flat shoes with zero arch support, or support of any kind, really. I’ll get an accurate diagnosis and treatment plan for that later this week when I have a Podiatrist appointment.

So as memorable and magical and fantastic as this summer has been, it’s been hard. And painful. And had me have to rely on God in new ways as my Rock, Comforter, and Healer.

So this brings me to something that God has been teaching me, or that I feel that has been spoken to me recently. It occurred to me the other day, that in order to relieve the pain and discomfort that I was feeling in my feet, I had to massage and stretch my feet, momentarily pressing myself into more pain and discomfort. But it was through this pain and discomfort that I then felt relief. I had to press into the pain to get through it.

This reminded me that this same principle rang true with my OCD as well. In order to fight OCD, you have to, in a way, press into the pain and discomfort and anxiety. You have to feel uncomfortable and not close yourself off from those feelings to move past it and get better.

This then brought me to think of a situation like a break-up. When you go through a break-up, you have to expose yourself to how you feel. You have to cry and yell and sob and let yourself feel everything in order to eventually get past it successfully and be over it.

I had this connection that sometimes we have to press into our pain and actually face it, not run from it, to get to where we want to go, and to where God wants us to be.

Otherwise, this Summer, God has been teaching me to rely on Him for everything. To keep trusting Him. To trust that He is g o o d, and to trust that I am who He says I am. These are pretty familiar things that I am constantly learning in my relationship with God, but I am always presented with new situations in my life that cause me to lean into Him and trust Him through everything.

I’m just going to keep trusting God with the path and plan for my life. He’s always got it. He’s always good. In every season.

[cynderfull]

Tuesday, May 29th 2018:

Something that I feel that God has been teaching me recently is really practicing what I preach.

I feel like it’s easy to say that we “trust God” or “have faith in God” or we “believe that God knows what is best for us”. But I feel like lately I’ve been thinking about how I say things like that I “have faith in God” or “God’s got it” -- but do I really show that by truly believing it?

It’s easy to just say that you have faith in God, and for that feeling and reliance on God to be there when you first say it. But I feel like our minds quickly wander back to worrying and being preoccupied with doubts surrounding our faith in God. We just said an hour ago that we have faith in God, He’s got it! But in the same day we’re suddenly starting to get anxious, let that anxiety control us, and doubting, in some sense, if God really has got it.

So I’ve been kind of challenging myself very recently to actually act like I have faith in God. To act like I really do trust Him and believe in who He is. Doubts can pop up in our mind, worries can start to arise, but if we remind ourselves of who God is and we know that He has got it, we can really begin to shift our focus back to forcing ourselves to know (even though we can’t see most of the time!) that He has got it.

And this also goes with walking by faith and not by sight.

Just the other day, I was telling my Mom how I hate not having answers to things. I haaaaate being in limbo. Basically, I hate not seeing the end. The end result. The end answer. The final thing. I hate not having this concrete, stable, “right-now” answer/solution/end-result to my problem or thing that I’m walking through in life. And that’s where I really have to “walk by faith and not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7) Which can be hard, but again, if we can just shift our focus to knowing, despite what we feel, that God has our best interest at heart, we can have confidence that we can rely on Him and truly have faith in Him that He is working all things together for our good. (Romans 8:28)

So, I’m really going to try to “amp up” my faith. Not just by saying that I have faith in God, but actually acting like I have faith in God. Whether that’s sitting peacefully and knowing that God has a situation covered and under control, or even taking a leap of faith in doing something new in my life and having faith that if God is in it, I’ll know. And if not, He’ll let me know. I’m going to rest in the fact that God really does have it. Really.

Also. I read this insanely great Instagram post like a month ago that goes along with this.

The Instagram post came at the perfect time. I had been struggling a bit with knowing how to tell how God gives us a “yes” or “no” to certain things in our lives. In this Instagram post, the poster spoke about her hesitancies for knowing if she was going against God’s will, and how her friend told her that “sometimes you just have to go for it.” She continued by wondering how many times she has missed out on awesome things because she was too afraid to take the first step without God’s explicit approval or denial. She said that if God didn’t want us to do something, that He’ll make that clear, and that she needed to stop living in constant fear of going outside of God’s will, and start pursuing things that are placed in front of her, knowing that He will keep her on the right path.

This soooo helped me and was such an answer that I was searching for (praise God!) Sometimes we really do just have to go for certain things. We have to be smart about things of course! But sometimes we do just have to take that leap of faith or that first step. We never know where God might lead or what amazing things could come from that first step or leap of faith. Maybe something will come of our efforts. Maybe not. But we do have to be confident that God will let us know if what we are doing is against His will. We can’t be scared frozen, unable to take any sort of step forward out of fear that we’re going to “make the wrong decision” just because God hasn’t given us this incredibly clear “yes” or “no”.

So that’s quite a bit of what I’ve been learning and mulling over lately. God is so, so good. Always.

[cynderfull]

Saturday, April 28th 2018:

I was reminded of something today while (possibly) getting the wrong drink order.

I was at a coffee shop that I had been wanting to try out for a while. They’re a Christian-owned coffee shop and I was stoked to finally check it out. I ended up ordering an Iced Spiced Chai Tea Latte. The barista confirmed my requested order with me while I was waiting for my drink, “You said ‘Spiced’, right?” To which I replied, “Yes!” What I received seemed to be a different drink, an Iced Vanilla Chai Tea Latte, another item on the menu that I had actually been eyeing as well before deciding to order the Iced Spiced Chai Tea Latte. This drink looked and tasted like what an Iced Vanilla Chai Tea Latte would look and taste like.

After one sip of this “mystery” Chai Tea Latte, I realized how amazing this drink was and how glad I was that I was given this drink instead of the one I thought that I had wanted.

Which brings me to my point and realization. This brought my mind to make the connection and be aware of how God truly knows what’s best for us when we tend to think that we know what’s best for us.

As people, we tend to think that we know the best course for our life and the exact way and time that “things should happen”. We think that our way and our plans are “obviously” the best way.

But God has a different and so much better plan for us if we just humble ourselves before Him, let Him take control, and trust Him.

And I am so thankful for that! I’ve probably asked God a million times, “Why?!” or “How?!” when He was leading me through something, thinking that I knew best, only to be shown that God truly knows what is best for me as He takes me in a new direction and paves a new way for me that I never saw or even thought possible.

He leads us to places and in directions that we never saw our life going that end up being so much better than the direction that we thought our lives “should” have gone.

The plans that He has for us are so far beyond anything we can comprehend, are so much better than what we thought we needed and would be best for us, and are so worth trusting and waiting on Him for.

So there’s my story for the day. Inspired by the potential wrong Chai Tea Latte order at a coffee shop.

[cynderfull]

Sunday, April 15th 2018:

I feel like I’m at an interesting place in my relationship with God.

I feel like I’ve grown so much in the past year in my relationship with God, and I’m so, so thankful for that. To look at how far I’ve come and how much I’ve had to rely on God in the past year is really cool, and I’m so glad to have come so far in my relationship with Him.

I just feel like I’m now in one of those seasons where things just seem monotonous. Like I’m definitely not in a valley anymore, but I don’t really think I’m at a mountaintop either. It’s like I’m just in a clearing. Like a big, wide open field. And it’s fine! The field is fine and comfy. Spacious (really spacious), and whatever. It’s not bad. It’s just bland.

Like, I go to school, I go to work, I study, I do homework, I have my same weekly schedule -- I’m just pressing forward. And it’s fine!

I just feel like I’m in one of those seasons where God is kind of taking a step back? Like He’s there! He’s still totally there. But I don’t know how much He’s saying.

I’ve heard of people being in seasons with God where it feels like God isn’t saying much and they’re almost confused and don’t know where to go or what to do? It’s almost like He’s just silent and there’s this long pause from Him, in a way, in our interactions. Like He’s just waiting to see if I can hold on and keep trusting Him through the silence and the big, big open field.

Again, the field isn’t bad, it’s not a valley. It’s just hard not having an answer to some things. Then again, I’ve probably mentioned this before, but that kind of is part of the Christian life. Not really having an answer to things and leaning on God for so much.

Really, it’s almost like I pray and God is just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -- And I’m just trying to decipher what to do or what not to do. Where to go. Where not to go. (Probably overthinking legitimately everything in the process...)

This is good though. I like having control over things, as most people probably do. I like to have things planned! And figured out! -- I like a solid answer. So to be in this place where I just have to humble myself and keep leaning into God and trust HIM for everything -- Trust him in the field. Trust him in the silence. Keep the faith. Keep going. Keep growing in my relationship with God. Keep strengthening it -- is a good learning experience, and needed.

This post has been all over the place, but I really am writing it for myself. Who knows where I’ll be a year from now. I pray I keep leaning into God and trusting Him with all I’ve got regardless of what I can or can’t see. He’s got great things planned.

“Seasons” by Hillsong Worship has been my song lately:

“I can see the promise, I can see the future. You’re the God of seasons, I’m just in the winter. If all I know of harvest Is that it’s worth my patience, Then if You’re not done working, God I’m not done waiting. You can see my promise, Even in the winter. Cause You’re the God of greatness, Even in a manger. For all I know of seasons Is that You take Your time, You could have saved us in a second, Instead You sent a child.”

AMEN. (Keep trusting Him, Lindsay. He’s got it.)

[cynderfull]

Saturday, March 10th 2018:

Where to start! I truly have been wanting to blog for a while, but I literally have been so busy the past nearly month and a half.

I studied like crazy for my Animal Nutrition class (I’m learning that going to school to become an RVT requires a lot of dedication to homework and studying, especially since I work part-time on top of going to school, making my schedule even busier), finished my first Winter Intersession at Mt. SAC, passed my Animal Nutrition class, and the next day was on a plane for my first solo-trip -- Portland, Oregon!

I fell in love with the city. I really did. I just felt so at home there. It was absolutely amazing. I loved traveling by myself and having the freedom to really just do anything at my own pace. It was such a thrill stepping off of that plane in a foreign city and having to just figure it out alone, which is exactly what I wanted for this trip. I spent 4 days and 3 nights in the heart of downtown Portland with a gorgeous hotel room view, exploring and adventuring by myself, for the first time! I absolutely loved it. I can’t speak highly enough about how much fun I had and how much I enjoyed myself on this amazing trip.

I made the best decision by booking an all-day half-city, half-Columbia River Gorge tour for my first day in Portland, and had a front row seat in my tour van, so I was able to take some really great shots of the city. I loved that I got to explore both the city and the breathtaking nature just minutes away from downtown. I had the best tour guide and I saw so much: Three waterfalls (my first time seeing a waterfall!), different lookout points and monuments, a lot of the city itself, Pine Street Market for the BEST food, and more.

On my other days I explored Stumptown Coffee, Voodoo Doughnut, the “Keep Portland Weird” sign, Powell’s Books, dinner at Portland City Grill on the 30th floor of a building overlooking the city skyline, Ubering to Vancouver, WA to relax at Relevant Coffee and knock another state off of my list, and more!

I honestly fell in love with the city and it is definitely high on my list of possible places to move when I get my RVT degree and move out of my parent’s house.  This trip was eye-opening. Realizing that I really can go out there and explore the world. It’s so exciting and the possibilities are endless. I’ve already started brainstorming my next trip -- A solo-trip to Zion National Park in Utah this summer. I can’t wait.

After my trip, I was starting Spring Semester just a week later, and now have my head buried in my Veterinary Medical Terminology book nearly every day. I’m taking what really is a combo-class of Veterinary Office Procedures/Veterinary Medical Terminology, and Animal Handling and Restraint, which I was the last person to get into this hard to get class! I literally made it in by the skin of my teeth.

Otherwise, I’m just so thankful. I’m so grateful for the places that God has brought me to and through. I’m so grateful of how far God has brought me. I still can’t “see into the future” -- none of us can, and I don’t know every twist and turn that lies ahead of me, or what breathtaking views will come into view at any given moment, but I trust God so, so much. I see where He’s brought me and how He’s brought me through things, and I just trust Him. I’m thankful for how strong my faith in Him has become.

“Before I spoke a word, you were singing over me, You have been so, so good to me. Before I took a breath, you breathed your life in me, You have been so, so kind to me. Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine. I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, Still you give Yourself away. Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, r e c k l e s s love of God.” || Reckless Love by Cory Asbury

“I know who I am because of who You are.” || Whole Heart by Passion, Kristian Stanfill

[cynderfull]

Saturday, January 27th 2018:

This year has definitely started off with me hitting the ground running -- which has been great!

The year started with me coming to this realization -- as I sometimes just suddenly do?? I swear I’ve had times where something just suddenly hits me. Like for example, a couple years ago, after years of wearing the same makeup, I suddenly had this moment of like, “Aha! I never wear eye shadow or lipstick! ...I should try that out!” ...and I did. ...After years of not giving it a single thought. One day it just occurred to me that, “Huh. Why haven't I tried wearing this basic makeup product that people start wearing when they’re like 13.” And I just tried it after not ever previously giving it much thought.

So on the second day of this year, I was struck with the thought that for the past couple of years I’ve looked at people that travel, nationally and internationally, and I always think of how cool it is and how one day I want to travel too! And, as customary for me, it suddenly just hit me that I clearly have the ability save up some money, get on a plane, and travel to a new city, state, or country.

So! One day after this revelation struck me, I had purchased a round-trip plane ticket to Portland, Oregon for a 4 day, 3 night weekend stay right after my Winter Intersession semester of school ends, in Mid-February.

I am so excited. I feel like this realization will lead to me traveling even MORE and I just--! It’s so exciting. I feel like this whole new world is opened up to me now that I never gave too much thought to. The only reason that I never really traveled too much outside of my usual Connecticut trips home and my weekend trips to Vegas or Phoenix with my Mom, are because I just assumed that I’d travel when I got married! Or I had this perfect situation to go! Or I had a friend to go with! But realistically and logically, I don’t know when I’ll be married? It could be 2 years from now, 5 years from now, ...10 years from now? It just didn’t make sense to keep waiting around for something to “line up perfectly” for me to travel, when I could take matters into my own hands and travel now!

So as of right now, I’m hoping to do at least one trip a year. I want to start nationally, I’d love to visit all 50 states, and if not all, then at least as many as I can. And then branch out to international travel a bit. Canada and England are high on my list right now, as they’re primarily English speaking countries, and therefore, easier to navigate, and then branch out to more non-English speaking countries like France or Germany.

So yeah! I’m stoked about all of this. I’m also planning to hit up Vancouver, WA while I’m in Portland, as it borders Portland. My trip is Thursday, February 15th to Sunday, February 18th 2018.

Otherwise, I’ve been busy with Winter Intersession, a 6-week “semester” in-between Fall and Spring semesters where I’m cramming a 16-week, information-packed Animal Nutrition class into a 6-week semester that’s left me studying and reviewing material almost every day. I’m excited to be continuing my studies toward becoming a Veterinary Nurse!

This year has gotten started off on a really good--busy! but good foot.

As always, I’m trusting in God and waiting to see what He has for me this year and what He wants to teach me!

[cynderfull]

Sunday, December 31st 2017:

2 0 1 7 .

What a year to look back on!

Honestly, these past few weeks I’ve been reflecting back on this year, as I guess so much happened in it? I don’t think I’ve really reflected back on past years too much? I feel like New Year’s Eve has always just been more of a celebration of the past year, and really just looking forward towards the New Year and all that it will bring. A time to have a fresh new start. Like waking up in the morning and having this blank slate in front of you, a new day -- but like, 365 times bigger. But this year I’ve actually stepped back to reflect and see how far I’ve come and how far God has brought me.

I entered into 2017 still pretty unsure about my career and education, and still deciding what career I wanted to pursue and how I was going to go about pursuing it. Overall, this year brought a lot of mourning and grief and hard times and brokenness, but alongside that came:

- A whole lot of joy found in the Lord in the midst of these hard times.

- Realizing my worth in God and that my worth comes from Him and Him alone.

- Countless good times and trips and laughs with family and friends.

- A career path picked out: Veterinary Technology!

- Starting school to get my A.S in Registered Veterinary Technology.

- My relationship with God and faith in Him growing stronger than ever as at times throughout this year I really had to lean into God and trust in Him when I couldn’t see His plan clearly, and had to trust that He was in control and knows what’s best for me.

- God bringing about people in my life to lift me up and speak worth over me.

- And just sooo, so much more.

I wish I could convey more how truly amazing this year has been. Looking back, it is so clear and evident to see God’s hand at work in my life this past year. It’s amazing to me how we can be in such a tough spot, but with a blind faith, we can look to Him and trust that He already sees our future and knows the plans He has for us and the people we’ll meet and the things we’ll do. He hears us and sees us and knows us and knows the desires of our hearts, and mourns when we mourn, and is joyful when we are joyful -- God is just so good, and if anything, I know I can look back and see that He is faithful.

So I’m leaving this year excited about 2017 and all of the growth that God has brought about in me this year. I’m so glad that my relationship with Him is stronger than ever and that my faith is solid in Him. I’m so glad that He knows what is best for us, and as much of a great year that this has been, I look forward to seeing where God will take me in 2018.

Looking at the upcoming year now, it just seems foreign. Like I don’t know what it holds. But I know that I can keep that same blind faith I had in 2017 and carry it over into 2018, looking forward to the New Year.

To the New Year: 2 0 1 8 !

[cynderfull]

Wednesday, December 20th 2017:

December 12th marked the end of my first semester at Mt. SAC. It has been such a blessing to finally be so focused and involved in my education for the first time, and through that and prayer, I passed my first semester classes and did exceedingly well in them. God’s hand has been so evident in this semester for me, and I am so grateful for that and look forward to these upcoming semesters, as daunting as they may seem, with faith that through more prayer and hard work, I can pass these classes and continue on this streak of doing well at school!

I’m grateful that things happen according to God’s will and timing. I know I literally just talked about this in my last post, but at this moment, this is so relevant for me. We may see and expect our lives to go one way, or even try to force something to happen in our lives, but ultimately if we give our desires to God and seek out His will for our lives, His plans for us are so much better than anything we could think up or make for ourselves. And as I’ve said before, that’s exciting and reassuring for me to know that anything that He is going to bring about in our lives will be evident that it is from Him, because only He can bring about such amazing things in our lives that can lead us to solely be able to realize that those things are from Him.

I also know that a lot of good things take time. Things don’t happen overnight: Relationships, friendships -- all take time to grow. Like a plant, we nurture and water them consistently and over time they can grow from something small that has potential to something big and beautiful. But it doesn’t happen overnight. We have to have faith and patience.

Also, enjoying and thriving in your time of singleness is truly a blessing. There really is a lot that you can do while being single and more constantly focused solely on God. This doesn’t at all take away my desire to be in relationship, as that is something that I so deeply desire, and I so look forward to being in an amazing committed relationship and sharing my life with someone, but I want to walk in the path that God has for me in this season, to reach and meet people where they’re at in ways that I may not be able to reach them in if I wasn’t single. I’ve already seen God’s hand in multiple situations that I’ve been in pertaining to this.

And finally, I know that what I ultimately want for myself from a relationship is to be in a relationship with a Godly man that truly loves God, has a strong and constantly growing relationship with Him, put Him first in his life, and strives to lead me closer to God and fall more and more in love with Him every day. In the same way, I want to encourage my future boyfriend/husband in the Lord and constantly find ways to point him to the Lord. I want us to truly be a team on fire for the Lord, seeking to use our relationship/marriage as a tool to show the love of Christ to others and to point people to Christ.

I so, so, so, so, so trust God and His plans, and I look forward to 2018 with confidence, faith, patience, excitement, and joy. (Also, as far as my December posts for this year go, I never know when I’m going to write my last one for the year, so I keep ending it as if it’s the last post for the year, haha!)

[cynderfull]

Sunday, December 3rd 2017:

I can’t think of a perfect way to open this blog post up besides just jumping into speaking about what God’s been teaching me lately, so I’m just going to jump right in.

I really feel like God has me right where He wants me. I’m still in this place of discomfort (but then again, isn’t that just natural for Christians -- To just always sort of be in a place of discomfort in one way or another? Hmm...), and so I really just have to keep relying on God and leaning into Him to see where He takes me and how He’ll get me there.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m glad that He is in control and that I am not. I am flawed and He is perfect, and so clearly He knows the better route to take. I see the road that seems like a straight-shot to get to where I want to go, but God seems to pick the “scenic route” most of the time, and He knows exactly what He’s doing. What a comforting thought.

Isaiah 55: 8-9 states:

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

(!!!) This is insaaane! Like if you really think about it. We have this set way in our minds. This way of thinking, this way of seeing things, this way that we think things should go and how we should go about getting to where we want to be, but God sees things entirely differently. He sees the beginning from the end. He sees the whole picture. So we know that whatever He has planned for us is so much better than anything we could have tried to make for ourselves. Almost so that we could look back, see God’s fingerprints on all of these aspects of our lives, and be able to give the credit to no one but Him.

With 2017 coming to a close in a few weeks, I honestly don’t know what 2018 holds in store for me. I do know though that God knows me. He knows the desires of my heart, He knows what I want and what I’m striving for, and His ways are so much better than my own. So I know that I can hold on to Him and trust Him and the plans that He has for my life, knowing that He is able to do “--immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.” (Ephesians 3:20)

[cynderfull]

Sunday, October 29th 2017:

I am so for a 3-day weekend, haha!

I’ve never tried it, but I really do think I would like working “Four Ten’s”, so, four 10 hour shifts a week. Three full days of a weekend just sounds dreamy to me, I don’t know. Maybe some day!

Los Angeles Comic Con was yesterday, and it was soooo much fun! I love, love, love that my Dad and I have a mutual love of Cons and get to go to them together and have a blast. Los Angeles is so much fun to be in too, and the crowd for this Con was great! So much cosplay, great Dealers in the Dealer’s Hall. This upcoming summer will mark ten years that I’ve been going to cons. TEN. Am I a Con veteran yet.

Otherwise, God has just had me leaning into Him lately, and really just teaching me to, “walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7) Like how good is God that He literally carries our burdens and anxieties upon Himself if we just ask. And how great it is that HE is in control. It can be a little out of our comfort zone not knowing what’s next sometimes, but we have this confidence that God knows what He’s doing. He’s got it handled. It’s all good. We just have to look up and acknowledge Him, and trust that He’s going to put the pieces together perfectly in His own way and timing.

Also, I love the street art in LA. This wall in this picture that had this grey, kind of floral/rose pattern on it was magical. I’ll go to LA just for the art, and rad spots for impromptu photo shoots.

[cynderfull]

Sunday, October 15th 2017:

God is so good.

I mentioned in my last post about how well I’m doing in school, and to add to that: It really is wild how much gaining maturity and studying something that I’m interested in has impacted how I perform in school. A few months ago, and especially a few years ago, thinking about myself pursuing any sort of medical degree/career would have seemed just... crazy. Like it’s kind of dumb, but like, I don’t know if I would have thought that I had it in me to strive for a career like that! Like I don’t know if I think I could have done the work and been book-savvy enough to get a medical degree. But here I am, doing it, and excelling!

It’s just amazing where God has taken me, and the encouragement, desire, and support He’s given me to pursue this!

I’m so fortunate with the office position I have in the veterinary office I work in, everything going on in my educational life with school right now, the amazing support and love of family and friends, and all of the fun things I have planned for the rest of this year, and next year!

I’m just soaking in what God has for me right now, waiting on His timing for everything else, and seeing what lessons He has for me in the season that I’m in.