cyndiknows-blog

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I absolutely love this girl!!

Nicollette is the most sincere and honest artist in the industry today. She strives to let her voice be heard to the world, and she continues to rise through thick and thin! #nicollette #nicollettesings #lostandfound #music #newmusic #single #pop #artist #Monday 

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A little Adele never hurt anyone in this weather... 

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internet phenomenon. case study #2.

case #2 "saggy" 

call him "saggy" because we all know... he keeps it "firm". honest brut of a gay. 

a.) smart

b.) determined

c.) annoyingly skinny

d.) honest

looking for; aa.) hot bb.) smart cc.) posh dd.) gay man

**additional notes: love through a pleasant surprise. doesn't believe in internet dating because he finds it "gay raunchy". under different circumstances, he would love to try it. he's looking for a natural set up or meet & greet. **

so what now? this is a very touchy subject. being gay and different is already enough to deal with.... as accepting as it is, this society still lacks a few brain cells to thoroughly understand people in general. if straight women and men can't figure their shit out, how are men vs. men to cope? 

however, we are not trying to target all men loving sistahs, we are bulletpointing one situation in particular. 

ok, "saggy" confident on the outside, but needs reassurance on the inside. picky is picky but also an over analyzer with a hint of judge mental, and always trying to do the "right thing". you better do what he's signed, sealed, approved and delivered. everything is a strict routine, and the word "lacking" is NOT an option. extra spicy, extra skinny, and always extra ahead. kind of exhausting to keep up with for most, BUT he's winning 1st, every time, in his own race. 

my personal thoughts? breathe. you my friend, are already 5 steps ahead and if you run too fast, no one will be there to catch you when you fall. and fall. let your shoes just run it's course, let your hair down; not just on the third monday of every other month, try every other day or every week, fuck it, try not planning ahead, just for "fun". take a look at what is in front of you. yea, never settle for LESS is your everyday motto, but try something less meaningful. you might just like how it tastes. it's "neither this or that" has been tattooed on your forehead, how's anyone suppose to get through? breathe. charm is the way you move with your eyes half glazed over. the vulnerability you absolutely refuse to show is THE, and quote "hottest thing ever". 

now analyze this: 

so this charming, successful, rare, kind of "all around" gay man, looking for love. but the note-worthy internet dating sites for gay men are something that exposes men, and their desire to fuck. how can this be attractive to let's say someone like "saggy". i guess the straight internet dating boomed recently, and as "saggy" puts it, the gays have some catching up to do, in terms of building out a "seeking a mate site" that is friendly and useful. well... we'll just have to sit and wait. if J-Date was remotely possible for the gays, it would be the perfect site for even "saggy" to scope out. then i asked the question. could it be that gays are getting way too comfortable in their own skin? now that their biggest curiousity has been outted, are they going for seconds, and being too aggressive in their comfort zone? has their inner fantasies gone too risque? 

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internet phenomenon. case study #1.

hot topic.

80% of my friends are heavily involved... with internet dating. i still find the whole thing... awkward. not against it, nor judgemental, but trying to understand the beauty behind it. 

my friends are well above average, good looking, college graduates, with above average salaries and extremely attractive all around. so i say to myself... WHY? not to blow my own horn, i've never tried it, never had to try it, but curious to try it. but being almost married, i have to turn to my fellow guinea pigs for some answers. 

case#1 "lady" 

call her the ultimate "Lady" because she says, and quote "i only do lady things..." 

a.) beautiful

b.) stylish

c.) cultural

d.) well traveled

e.) spiritual

looking for aa.) hot bb.) smart cc.) spiritual dd.) MAN

searches for love; internet. success ratio.. yet to find out. 

she searches for love because her job is nonstop, her personal life is surrounded by one too many gays, and just haven't met anyone special at her work events, which ALSO consists of gay men. 

so what now? usually in this case, she comes from an extremely spiritual background. most people who take on spiritual journeys, tend to be alone, because it is their life destiny to find peace within themselves, and feel content with the almost to nothing lifestyle. no materialistic cravings, just peace, love & happiness. it is almost bizarre to me that someone like "Lady" isn't hitched to some hot finance mogul, with kids. but for this is New York City, where every individual thrives on the latest hip guide, to the fresh off the press zagat review, and who's who of NYC.  

my personal thoughts? "Lady" is an over thinker. for she is the epitome of "what ifs". she is most attractive when she cares less, and when she is simply out to have fun. the second she relinquishes all of her insecurities, and let life just come at her, and never over think her flirty moves, but boldy acts upon her gut feeling, the finer she will excel in her game of love.

take it or leave it helpful tip:

being a proper "Lady" is your biggest sex appeal, don't lose sight of your own inner strength and strut your way into a man's heart with confidence. 

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when love happens.

i met a friend for her belated birthday dinner last night. i can say everything & anything to her. sometimes, i am embarrassed with the shit that comes out of my mouth. my conversation usually starts with my insecurity and ends with my craziness. last night's topic... the usual... how fat i think i am, and how i want to strangle my boyfriend time to time. it never seems to change. but last night was a bit more intense... 

within 5 blocks of walking west on 7th street, i heard over 4 women talking about... none other than the topic of MEN.

"do you think i should give him space?" "i dunno "betty" do you think it's over?" "well do you think i did something wrong?" "I can't read him..."

i mean i swear it was chaotic just to pass them by. to me it was pure tragedy, and to think these above average, pretty sure somewhat put together, educated women, completely letting their guard down, blocking out society for that very minute, to blurt out their inner sacred insecurity about HOW a MAN makes them feel or NOT feel for that matter. 

I quickly ran over to the restaurant to meet my friend. i regurgitated every nonsense i had heard, THEN found MYself letting all my guards down, screaming on top of my lungs, about my inner demon stories about my love life.

if ALL these women can't find love, what on earth makes me take what i have for granted? i should be SO grateful for the peace, love, and harmony that has been BLESSED in my life !!! for better or for worse, yea, the man in my life may not do as i wish, and clueless 90% of the time, but when love happens, it is simply a blessing. 

now, don't get my wrong. i am not settling for less. sometimes it takes  a few women, brave enough to bitch about their issues down the streets of New York City, for me to realize, to stop the bitching & enjoy the ride of love.....

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life. as we know it.

many thoughts go through my mind on a daily basis. not just on the daily...but every SECond of my life. my latest thought, "i wish i had the right thing to say." 

this new topic of thought came upon while writing an email to my colleagues, who are artists, and one in particular, being my best friend. breaking bad news, or any news for that matter, IS, hard times. i wrote down a million thoughts, over and over, and i swear, if i wrote one more sentence to my bottomless explanation, you would've called me a damn fool. so i went searching for my very first thought. "i wish i had the right thing to say...." I WISH I HAD THE RIGHT FING THING TO SAY. and you know what, i erased all of my shananagans, and ended it with just that. funny thing is... they had less than what i expected to say. 

i live life trying to appease, appeal, and appreciate. i swear no one feels the same for me. the more i try, the more i fail. so lose the expectations, lose the faith, and lose everybody. and guess what?! i had no expectations, faith, nor anybody to begin with!  it happens in relationships too. "I'm going to say what you're not suppose to say" "I have nothing to say..." and we go back to our thought of the day "i wish i had the right thing to say." if you want to leave, then leave. if you want to stay, then stay. if you have nothing to say, you don't have to say anything at all.  life. as we know it. 

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"I'm free no matter what the challenges. When I am free from doubt, I can step forward in life, immune from what people think of me."

Deepak Chopra

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even after my epiphany of the day... i still crave louboutins for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. AMEN, HALLELUJAH, LORD HAVE MERCY on these gorgeous babies. 

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a forward.

a chain email from a friend. 

"love you girls...remember, we can never settle for less :) 

When a Girl is quiet ... millions of things are running in her mind.

When a Girl is not arguing ... she is thinking deeply.

When a Girl looks at u with eyes full of questions ... she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a Girl answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds ... she is not at all fine.

When a Girl stares at you ... she is wondering why you are lying.

When a Girl lays on your chest ... she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a Girl wants to see you everyday... she wants to be pampered.

When a Girl says ' I love you ' ... she means it.

When a Girl says ' I miss you ' ... no one in this world can miss you more than that.

Life only comes around once, make sure u spend it with the right person....

Find a Guy...

who calls you beautiful instead of hot,

who calls you back when you hang up on him,

who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who ...

kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Who turns to his friends and says, ' That's her!! ' "

WELL, for me... I was shocked to find myself even reading this crap... BUT felt overwhelming JOY, HAPPINESS, and was HUMBLED to know... that I have found an incredible human being like my boyfriend PHR.... I am happy to wake up in his arms... 

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"seeing beauty in a flower could awaken humans, however briefly, to the beauty that is an essential part of their own innermost being, their true nature."

Eckhart Tolle "A New Earth"

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appreciation.

in this day and age, where things are overly produced, you can pretty much get your hands on ANYthing you desire. and if you can't get it, ppl have the power to use their connections to FIND it, or search all corners of the inter web to OWN it. 

well for me... a typical materialistic psychopath, realized today, there are some things in life, that you cannot be put on a special wait list, cannot bargain, and certainly cannot put a price tag on..........

THIS past weekend, i was brave enough to hop on a bus, and head to the nearest fashion outlet. people from, god only knows where, come here to shop for the top brand, and feel special. i too wide eyed, jumped on the crazy wagon and dived in for a good bargain. my mother was especially excited, as she was preparing for her move to S. Korea. we were two crazy asians on a mission. after a pair of shoes or two, i stood and stared at the woman who was delighted to make her daughter happy. as SHE felt pain and guilt with the thought of leaving her child behind, as she embarks a new chapter in her life. there, i had a surreal awakening. there were not enough mass produced goods to fill the void of the thought of not having my mom by my side. right then and there, i wished i can trade all the beautiful things in my hands, to stop time, and never let the day end. there are not enough THINGS to compare to the special moment you have with someone who truly truly loves you. i fought my tears and put on a happy smile for her... but we both knew, on our bus ride back in silence, we already missed each other. 

from as far as i can remember. i had the ability to get what i want even if it took the life out of me. but there are some things i cannot bargain for, or talk my way through...

appreciate the special moments with someone you love.

so to anyone reading this today... appreciate whatever you love. and whoever you love. i don't have to tell you... because you already know... when they're gone, you'll miss them too. appreciation. 

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do not do this.

New York City is transit. Business men come to get their deals done, families come for refuge, artists come to get creative, and lovers come to find their better half.  All these people rushing around the urin drenched streets of new york, under the bright lights of the city... with the SAME goals of becoming a winner.  a reason good enough to be swarming around the busy streets, fighting polluted air, stopping traffic, and running for the last seat on the subway...  

Familiar faces become your new friend, and friends become your family... as in THIS big apple, people easily become lonely.  

Do not get attached by the new people you meet here.

Lonely people that come to this city, are competitive. People love to love, love to close deals, and love to be creative, however, they don't love anything more than themselves. Lonely people of this city have the ability to be devious, and selfish. 

Leaving all morals and loyalty behind to make it to the top...ambition blinded all souls.  Greed, sex, money and status of an american express, worth crossing that line of friendship and trust... Has this transit city filled the eyes of these lonely people with fire... hot enough to burn a hole through a heart.  Sly enough to lie, evil enough to enjoy the pain, dumb enough to betray...

Do not get attached by the new people you meet here. 

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days like this.

i keep fishing for a way out of this pouring rain. someone stop it. 

i want to be here. 

where you are... dear...MALIBUUUU!!!!

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one of those days.

first night out in NYC as a freelance talent manager. you see, my usual trips to NY, has always been for business, never for pleasure. my friend Ali takes me to some nasty, dodgey, loud, "hip" nightclub. there she was. this girl, who glared, and left me feeling like a sorry ass loser at this new york city bar scene. BITCH, i thought. if I ever run into YOU again... and i did... and she has become my new best friend since. 

if Itzy can be anymore down to earth, she might crash and burn in the core of the earth. this girl defines "super fly" and she is not just a breath of fresh air... she is an attack of fresh air. she is like my guardian angel.

if i am ever down, she demands i get the F up and brush it off. she teaches me to be brave, and makes me feel alright. 

i never met a woman so bold, caring, and warm. her heart must be made of solid gold. 

she takes me on an adventure around the city. she teaches me about old new york vs. new. she was a wild child... a diva of the underground scene of the true party animals. 

she is now searching for the same thing we all seek. love. 

i once tried my best to help her... but it became just another forgotten memory... for he didn't appreciate the warmth she brings to life in itself. 

she tells me she is going through one of those days. I am going to try my best to be her back bone today... and make her feel fabulous, as she is that and more. 

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love begins in Winter.

my muse and i often take walks around the neighborhood. 

the best thing about your gay best friend is that, he, thinks my plain jane ideas, are always BRILLIANT. well...not always... but as long as it involves good conversations and Pain au Chocolat. 

he likes the local book store. i love buying books, which ends up on my shelf, collecting dust, bugs, and food crumbs buried in between the pages. 

this was a special occasion. i told him, i would like to broaden my knowledge. so we made a pact. a book club. 

first up, "Love Begins in Winter" by Simon Van Booy. i always love a cheesy love story. 

we sat, sipping our latte's from our favorite local pâtisserie... ceci ce la! 

first page, first chapter. Booy takes you on a musical escapade filled with strange encounters, sorrow, pain, and love. 

my muse sent me this today... some of his favorite quotes... from the book.

“It’s true that people we meet shape us. But the people we don’t meet shape us also, often more because we have imagined them so vividly. There are people we yearn for but never seem to meet. Every adult yearns for some stranger, but it is really childhood we miss. We are yearning for that which has been stolen from us by what we have become.” p.95 “After the long visit, the novelty of upper-middle-class New York life wore off and I appreciated the city for what it was, an indifferent, throbbing pulse with an infinite number of chances to reinvent yourself.” p.77

i can't sit here and tell you my thoughts about the book... as I am still in the process of finishing the chapters, myself. 

BUT! if you're like me... sitting and pondering through this rainy day... go and pick up the book. it's worth every penny. 

Simon Van Booy will also be reading his tales 3.31.10 at the McNALLY JACKSON bookstore on Prince St. NYC