This is such a cool AU idea! If Spider is freaked out, can you imagine how scary it would be for the Sully children to encounter this man who looks and sounds just like their dad but is working to hurt them? How uncanny it would be for Neytiri, to see the lost boy she met in the woods 15 years ago, but no longer willing to learn from her? How horrifying it would be for Jake, to see what he could've become if things had gone differently?
I have this little blurb in my mind:
Tuk is captured and alone on the seadragon after Jake and Neytiri launched their counterattack on the recoms. Quaritch took Kiri away to be his sole hostage and now Tuk's completely alone, tied up on a sinking ship. She knows her parents are here, she saw her mom's arrow, but she doesn't know where they are and she's too scared to call out in case an enemy hears.
Then someone approaches her. Instead of Jake, it's Spider, shaken up from watching Neytiri eviscerate people who look like him, but still determined to save his friends. He comforts her, cuts her free, and tells her to follow him to the moon pool. Tuk wants to go search for Kiri and her parents, but Spider tells her they should just escape and let Jake and Neytiri worry about saving Kiri. It's too dangerous for them to wander around, and they'd be just as likely to run into enemies as family. They don't know how many recoms are still alive. Tuk reluctantly agrees and follows him.
Before they can escape into the water, Tuk hears a voice speaking nearby. It's her dad's voice. Her eyes light up. Spider sees the look on her face and tries to warn her, but he's too late.
"Daddy!" Tuk cries and runs towards the voice, so relieved her father is okay.
"Tuk, no!" Spider tries to grab her, but she slips away.
Tuk runs around a corner and collides straight into the man speaking. She buries her face in his side, fighting back tears. "Dad, you're okay!"
"Tuk..." Spider groans somewhere behind her. She doesn't understand why Spider sounds so scared. They found Dad, everything's gonna be okay now, right? But then her overwhelming relief fades away and she realizes something is very wrong. The man she's hugging is wearing human clothes. He feels thinner and leaner than her dad. Slowly, she raises her head to look up at the man she's hugging. It's her dad's face, but at the same time, it's not. No dreadlocks frame his face, no laugh lines crinkle in the corner of his eyes, and he doesn't have the small scars he got from his battle with the original Quaritch.
When he smiles at her, it's her dad's smile, but it lacks the warmth and familiarity. There's a mean-spirited edge to it that her dad would never give her. Tuk tries to pull away, but it's too late, he pulls her tight to his side.
He opens his mouth, and her dad's laugh comes out, but it's not his words. "Aw, were you expecting somebody else?"
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Can we get a story with spider and one of the recoms getting into a prank war until Quaritch has enough and has to use his dad voice ďżźto tell them to cut it out
Great prompt anon!
3k words đ¨TW: foul languageđ¨
It was taco day in the cafeteria. Quaritch wasnât really a fan of tacos, but his squad was back in Bridgehead for the day and they needed fuel. Besides, Quaritch had a headache coming on in anticipation of the mind-numbing meeting he had to attend with Ardmore after lunch, so he didnât have the energy to find any other type of food. So, tacos it was.
Quaritch grabbed a recom-sized plate for himself as well as a human-sized one for Spider, before tromping back to the human-sized table his squad had commandeered. They looked a little ridiculous, squatting on the table which looked like it was meant for children next to them. Despite being the right size to sit in the seats, Spider opted to sit on top of the table with the others. When Quaritch set the tray of food down in front of Spider, he eyed it warily. Spider had grown up in the jungle, presumably eating a mix of whatever the natives ate and dehydrated MREs left behind by the RDA. For all Quaritch knew, Spider didnât even know what a taco was.
His suspicion was confirmed a few minutes later when Spider asked, âwhat the hell is that?â
âItâs a taco.â Quaritch replied tiredly. He pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off the impending headache.
âI know what a taco is!â Spider said indignantly. âI donât know what that is,â he clarified, pointing to a serving of sour cream set on the side of his tray.
âOh,â Quaritch hummed in understanding. Last time he checked, there werenât lots of places to find sour cream out in the jungle, so it made sense Spider wouldnât recognize it. âThat right there isââ
âItâs ice cream!â Wainfleet jumped in before he could finish his sentence.
âReally?â Spiderâs eyes lit up. He didnât know what sour cream was, but somehow, he knew about ice cream. Go figure.
Even perched atop the table with the rest of the recoms, Spiderâs eyeline was so low that the exasperated look Quaritch shot Wainfleet literally went over his head. Wainfleet just gave his commanding officer a shit-eating grin in response. Today was the first day since Spider had âjoined the teamâ that Spider hadnât cussed someone out or thrown a fit about something. It looked like Wainfleet was determined to keep the streak going.
âOh yeah, buddy, tacos and ice cream is everybodyâs favorite lunch back on earth. Go ahead and try some!â Wainfleet encouraged, barely holding back a laugh. The other recoms glanced over at his words, their lips twitching in amusement at Spiderâs ignorance.
Before Quaritch could decide whether or not to intervene, Spider took a huge bite of pure sour cream. His eyes bugged out wide as he gagged on the sour cream, and the whole table exploded into laughter at his expense. The only ones who werenât laughing were Quaritch, who looked like he wanted an aspirin, or maybe a couple of shots of whiskey if aspirin wasnât available, and Spider, whose face flushed pink from anger and embarrassment.
âThat wasnât ice cream!â He cried.
âYeah, no shit! Itâs sour cream, dumbass,â Wainfleet wheezed, âoh, god, you shoulda seen the look on your face!â
âI can show him,â Z-dog said with a wicked grin as she brandished her tablet, âI got it on video.â
The whole table howled with renewed bouts of laughter as Z-dog replayed Spiderâs hilarious reaction on screen. Now Spiderâs ears burned pink to match the rest of his face, the way they did whenever he was about to pitch a fit. Quaritch groaned in anticipation of another day filled with teenage attitude. And the morning had gone so peacefully too.
âYouâre an asshole!â Spider yelled. He snatched a taco off his plate and reared back to throw it right at Wainfleetâs bald dome of a head.
âNo!â With reflexes that only came from parenting an unruly child, Quaritch managed to grab Spiderâs wrist and before he sent the would-be missile sailing at its shiny, blue target.
âBut heââ Spider began to protest, only for Quaritch to cut him off with a look. He huffed and muttered something that was no doubt very rude in Naâvi, but wisely decided not to protest any further.
âAlright, thatâs enough. Are you soldiers or a pack of fucking hyenas?â Quaritch asked his squad.
Finally, the big blue idiots shut up, their faces ranging on a scale from scolded to shameless. Despite being the one who nearly caused a food fight, Wainfleet looked the most shameless of them all. âAww, câmon, boss. It was just a harmless prank!â
âWhatever it was, itâs over. Get your shit together. We have a meeting in ten,â said Quaritch. The look in his eyes was enough of a warning for the recoms to sober up and finish eating.
Beside him, Spider grumbled under his breath again, but this time Quaritchâs sharp ears caught what he said. âA prank, huh?â
A sinking feeling settled into Quaritchâs stomach. Something told him this was just the beginning of a huge headacheâ one that had nothing to do with the one brewing behind his eyes.
***
The next day, the recoms were out in the jungle to continue their âfield trainingâ while they waited for any intel on Sully. To Quaritchâs relief, Spider had been in an uncharacteristically good mood all day, obeying orders and keeping his snarkiness to a minimum. It seemed like yesterdayâs sour cream prank had been forgotten. He checked his watch and noted how late it was getting. Well, what do you know? It was almost time to call it a night and Spider had been on his best behavior all day. Maybe today would be the first day without having a Spider-related crisis. The thought made his lips twitch upwards in the barest hint of a smile.
When he heard a muffled scream followed by Spider laughing like a maniac, his smile went away.
âJesus Christ,â he grumbled as he turned to see Spider sprint into the little camp theyâd set up, an impish grin on his face. âWhat did you do?â
In answer, Spider just laughed even harder. Quaritch was saved from interrogating him by Wainfleet stomping into camp a moment later, effectively answering his question. A huge, furry yellow mass protruded from his mouth, like heâd tried to swallow a cat whole, and in one hand he held a plant that looked an awful lot like a cattailâ a cattail with a bite taken out of it, revealing fluffy yellow insides.
It didnât take a genius to put two and two together, but Quaritch asked anyway. âWainfleet, what the hell did you do?â
Wainfleet angrily pointed his cattail at Spider like a spear and tried to say something, but all that came out of his mouth was more yellow fuzz. He doubled over, hacking and wheezing around the plant matter. It almost seemed to defy the laws of physics how much fluff kept coming out of his mouth. Just when youâd think there couldnât possibly be more, another round of the stuff would appear.
Spider was wheezing almost as hard as Wainfleet was from how hard he was laughing. âI toldâ I told himâ it was like aâ aâ Naâvi corndog!â
âAnd you believed him?â Quaritch asked Wainfleet exasperatedly.
Wainfleet gave him a sheepish shrug as he tried to spit out the never-ending stream of plant fur. At this point, the rest of the recoms noticed his plight, and soon everyone except for Quaritch joined Spider in laughing their asses off at him. Z-dog whipped out her tablet and started filming. As they laughed and jeered, Wainfleetâs tail whipped behind him and his ears flattened against his skull. He let out another muffled roar and made a violent gesture at Spider like he wanted to wring his neck. The furious look in his eyes wasnât enough to make Spider stop laughing, but it was enough to send him scurrying behind Quaritch. This move proved wise when Wainfleet lunged for Spider a moment later, and was stopped by Quaritchâs disappointed scowl.
âAlright, thatâs enough everybody! We need to secure the camp before dark!â Quaritch barked before turning to Wainfleet. âYou, go clean that shit outta your mouth, and you,â he frowned down at Spider, who was trying very hard to look like he wasnât hiding behind him for protection, âbetter not start lying to us about what these plants do. I catch you giving us something that ainât safe to eat again and Iâll beat you âtil you donât need those stripes to look blue anymore.â
âAww, câmon, itâs not like I gave him something poisonous!â Spider whined. âIt was just a prank.â
Just a prank. The sinking feeling returned to Quaritchâs stomach, along with his headache. Why did he have a feeling this wasnât going to be the last time he heard that?
(A/N: for anyone who needs a visual, this is what happened to Wainfleet: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/JFKAEnIwtLg)
***
It was less than twenty-four hours before the next prank. The following morning, as they broke camp and prepared the ikran to travel, a piercing scream broke the silence. Quaritch was rearranging Cupcakeâs saddlebags when he heard the cry and instantly recognized Spiderâs voice. Heâd never moved so fast in his life. One minute, he was on the edge of their camp and the next he was at Spiderâs side, ready to destroy whatever had dared to make him scream like that. His panic quickly turned to anger when instead of a threat, he found Wainfleet guffawing loudly while Spider cussed him out in a mix of Naâvi and English. Quaritchâs fists shook ever so slightly from how badly Spiderâs scream had scared him. Heâd gotten so scared it made him feel sick to his stomach, only for it to turn out to be another damn prank. A low growl rose in his throat, but Spider and Wainfleet were too wrapped up in their prank war to notice.
âWhat the hell even is this?â Spider asked as he angrily pulled something out of his sleeping bag: an evil-looking bug that wouldâve been frightening if it wasnât made of plastic.
âItâs a spider, Spider. What, you donât like it? Whyâd you name yourself after something you donât like?â Wainfleet chuckled.
âYouâre such a dick!â Spider reared back to hurl the fake spider at him, but Quaritch snatched it out of his hand before he could. With a snarl, he chucked the hunk of plastic as far off into the jungle as he could.
âHey!â Wainfleet protested as his toy disappeared into the undergrowth.
Both Spider and Wainfleet turned to look at Quaritch with matching petulant expressions over having their spat interrupted, but the glower Quaritch gave them was so intense all their childish protests instantly died in their throats.
âIkran. Now.â Quaritch hissed through clenched teeth.
They made the wise choice to say, âyes sir,â and obey him without complaint. Any other answer wouldâve ended with somebody getting chucked into the woods after the toy spider.
***
Quaritch made the mistake of assuming his anger at them in the morning would be enough to bring the prank war to an armistice. That evening, Spider launched his counterattack. When Wainfleet went to lay down for the night, he let out a shriek of disgust at finding a creepy-crawly in his bedroll. It was exactly like what heâd done to Spider, except for one important difference. His unwanted visitor wasnât made from harmless plasticâ and neither were its fangs.
âThatâs it!â Wainfleet roared after heâd been bitten on the hand by the Pandoran creature. âIâm gonna teach that little brat a lesson!â
Spider started snickering from across the camp when he heard Wainfleetâs furious voice, but he sobered up fast once he realized Wainfleet wasnât joking about his threat this time. Once Wainfleet started stomping towards him like an angry titanothere, Spider made the smart choice to make himself scarce. He bolted for the nearest cover, which just so happened to be Quaritchâs tent.
Quaritch was in the middle of writing a status report to Ardmore when he heard Wainfleet start hollering and decided to ignore it. He would deal with those idiots later. Unfortunately, âlaterâ came much sooner than he would have liked when he found himself with a sweaty human teenager scrambling over him to hide in the back of the tent. Bony elbows and knees somehow found the most painful places to land, and a dirty foot sent his tablet flying out of the tent.
âBoy, are you out of your goddamn mind?â Quaritch roared.
Spider slunk into the furthest corner of the tent like a cornered animal. âSorry.â
An instant later, Wainfleetâs head poked into the tent. His eyes glossed over Quaritch like he wasnât even there and landed on Spider. âGet back here!â
âNo way!â Spider snapped back. The two of them quickly devolved into a shouting match with Quaritch stuck in the middle, completely ignored.
âItâs too late to hide now, you little shit! Donât dish it out if you canât take it back.â
âYouâre the one who canât take it back! All I did was finish what you started!â
âI didnât use a real bug!â Wainfleet waved his hand, which had a swollen insect bite on the palm.
âSounds like youâre just a pussy!â
âYou little bastard!â
âThat is enough!â Quaritchâs roar interrupted the shouting match before it could get physical. His gruff voice carried a deep authority to it that instantly cowed the two pranksters. Once he was sure he had their attention, he started dressing them down like he shouldâve done yesterday. âYou two have been acting like toddlers ever since you started this ridiculous prank war and Iâm sick of it! Wainfleet, youâre a grown man for Christâs sake. The boy is here to teach us and he canât do that if you keep fucking around with him!â
Wainfleetâs ears drooped down in shame and he murmured an apology. Spider smirked at him.
âAnd what are you looking so smug for, huh?â Quaritch asked, and his smirk vanished as quickly as it had appeared. âDid you forget you only get to stay out here so long as you behave yourself? You gotta be smarter than this, kid. Not everyone is gonna be as lenient with you as I am, and youâll get yourself in deep shit acting a fool like this. If I was anybody else, your ass would already be back in Ardmoreâs custody, do you understand that?â
Spider squirmed in place at the uncomfortable reminder and also murmured an apology.
âYou two are done pranking each other, got it?â
âYes, sir.â They chorused.
âAnd when we get back to base, youâre gonna scrub down the latrines until theyâre clean enough to eat off of.â
âYes, sir.â
***
Spider cursed under his breath as he scrubbed the filthy toilet before himâ a recom-sized toilet, complete with recom-sized skid marks. Stupid Wainfleet, stupid prank, stupid toilet! He braced his arms against the toilet seat to get a better angle for scrubbing, but he was scrubbing so hard that he slipped. Spider squealed in horror as he nearly fell face-first into the toilet. He managed to catch himself and avoid an accidental-swirly at the last second.
âThis is bullshit!â He hurled his cleaning rag against the wall with a wet THWAP!
A moment later, Wainfleet peered around the edge of the stall. âCanât believe Iâm saying it, but I agree with you. Iâm an elite member of fucking project Phoenix, not some dumb grunt. This is a punishment for rookies.â
âYeah, and Iâm not a rookie. I didnât sign up to get bossed around by Quaritch. I didnât sign up for this at all!â Spider threw his hands up in frustration at his miserable situation.
âI know Quaritch is the boss around here, but he oughta have a little more respect for his squad.â
âAnd a little more respect for me too!â
Wainfleet gave Spider a sly look out of the corner of his eyes. He held up a bottle of shaving cream heâd found in the bathroom cabinet. âHey, kid⌠what do you say we knock the boss down a peg?â
Spider frowned as he processed Wainfleetâs words before giving him a sly grin of his own. âWhat do you have in mind?â
***
Spider barely contained his laughter as he and Wainfleet snuck down the hallway to Quaritch's room. Usually, Quaritch took a brief nap after his meetings with Ardmore, which made him a perfect target for their prank: the classic shaving-cream-on-the-hand trick. The two pranksters peeked into Quaritchâs room and saw him fast asleep on his oversized bed.
âGo on, Iâm right behind you.â Wainfleet whispered, handing him the shaving cream.
Armed with the shaving cream can, Spider slunk into the room as silently as a thanator on the hunt. Heâd played plenty of pranks on Loâak and Neteyam growing up, so he knew exactly how to approach a sleeping Naâvi without setting off their sensitive hearing. Once he was close enough, he saw Quaritch lying with his hand splayed, palm facing up, right next to his face. He couldnât have asked for a better set up. Spider took a moment to compose himself before filling Quaritchâs empty palm with a big, fluffy dollop of cream. If he laughed now, the prank would be ruined.
After the set-up was complete, Spider turned to Wainfleet, ready for him to finish the job. He wasnât there. Spider frowned in confusion when he realized that Wainfleet was still standing in the doorway instead of right behind him like theyâd planned.
Once Wainfleet saw he was looking, he gave Spider a devious grin and slowly started to close the door. Spiderâs jaw dropped as he realized what Wainfleet was doing.
âWainfleet, no!â He whispered as loud as he dared. Spider lunged for the door, but he was way too late.
CLICK! The sound of the door locking echoed in the quiet room, shortly followed by Wainfleetâs muffled laughs from the otherside.
âWainfleet!â Spider hissed desperately as he tried to open the locked door.
The next sound he heard was that of Quaritch waking up and realizing his hand was full of shaving cream. His holler could be heard all throughout Bridgehead:
âMILES JAVIER SOCORRO!â
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