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i wonder if ill get prescribed meds

I wonder if ill find it in me to overdose

i suppose ill have to stockpile some

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i was right!!!! im always overthingking and this just validates me!!! on i dotn care about the morality of all that, my friend will think im creepy but oh god. oh man. what a rush

im just. well. i cant bear tot hink about the future. she! *she* said she might like me!!!!!!!!!

aita for flirting with someone to make them fall in love with me?

i know her and i know she has somethign bpd/schizo/npd goign on, but shes very cute and i think shes nice and interesting (plus shes nice to me??) its all about me again god, anyway

she told me abt her past crushes and i only know her from online so she tells me basically every detail cause what im gonna do? she has a new crush thats like hopeless and making her feel lowkey bad and 1. i genuinely dont want her to suffer. im sure of that i dont want her to hurt cause she went through horrible shit and her life is not that great and i wish i could fix her (bad impulse to have, monitor for that) and 2. ive been goign insane trying to figure out if she means me, cause what reason she would have to NOt tell me (thats literally isnane, shes given me NO indication) so im fuckign delusionally optimistic, fork found in the fcukign kitchen

why am i so obsessed? why am is ending her lovey dovey messages, (i try to be respectful and just, flirt not to cross any boundaries but why why why) i want ehr attention, i find it cute how she says ily i like it when she says my name, how protective hse got when her brotehr misgendered me thatw as so!!! shes important to me, and i want her to love me

and thats manipulative thats manipualtive as fuck why would i flirt knowing that i dont love her knowing that i cant love anyone, and that she falls in love easily grrrr

and im so fuckign delusional "what if she does love me!" because she tells me cute things and talks about kissing but always slash j and i just dont fucking know if thats her being sweet or her being flirty and god i CANT even entertain thes ehtoughts because im a 23 year old deadbeat and shes 19! thats probably too big of an age difference. but im so so selfish for wanteing her to love me

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oh im so giddy! its not always misery im also hight btw, but she said she has a SMALL crush on me!!!1 odnt forget the small part

godddd

now what will happen? i dont know. im nto sure if i care

im just glad. someone likes me!

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im gonna take some weed, drink some more, take some sleeping pills and if im lucky ill get organ damage

today was not a good day, interpresonally

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i think i have very tentative feelings

i.know ive bene trying to force them to happen

im scaree ill never find love, nkt from.sm else loving me (impossible but ij the end meaningless) and me not being able to love anyone (not supposed to heppen)

i think i would like to kiss her, she looks really good and she makes me so sad, which means i care about jer a lot

a if you can read this, i love you i think

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am i allowed to have like opinions

even if an opinion hurts sm?

i kean yeah ig

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another thing to be nervous about: i forgot, so uh prolly that too

ah i know

when i talk to people, i need to sort them into groups of their position relative me

same age, Prof, relaxed boss, on the clock boss, and the reason im nervous is because sm random 18yerold on Twitter commissioned me and were mutuals, so my STUPID pompous ass brain sorted them into "client" category. and now whenever i type incant stop thinking ooh am i being unprofessional? is this boundary breaking? and im abput 40/60 on what the answer probably is. so im nervous but i know what the answer would be

and since logically i KNOW that. it cant be boundary breaking. im allowed to accept money

okay ice said it, and i still feel weird

im so tired of this, this example is trivial, but... theres a voice in my head thats not convinced

i dont believe it cause i haven't heard a fitting argument why it isnt

this is a neverending migraine, an uncomfortable position on the couch. ibkeep forgetting what i type damn this shit is ass. poetry

anyway, its causing me mental pain, but not a sharp throb just likr above, lying wrong on the couch. and its always there. and i dont want it to be there. and i will have it there for the rest of my life. how doni know that? i always fucking know

i get the feeling, and its always right

and i want to kill myself, but im so so so so so svare dof pain, and that's pathetic i sh and i hate it and its jot deep and the patheticness makes me want to die even more. why does being pathetic make you want to die +? (this is a live to text thought phone stream here, im high asf twitch brain stream) because it makes me feel worse then other people. fucking kids slicing your FLESH open. im jealous im sk so so so so fucking jealous of everything and everyone, and im not jealous of like. things to have or want

im jealois of having done age appropriate/cool things that i never got because i was a weird u liked kid who didn't quite care and nkw im an adult whos having 15 year old problems

and whatever

and its gonna be forever

and how do i know that? i got this fucking feeling, that im too lazy combined with weird to do the gun range

too lazy to want to live and too lazy to die

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im so tired im annoying again i fucking always am and im crying in class

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aita for flirting with someone to make them fall in love with me?

i know her and i know she has somethign bpd/schizo/npd goign on, but shes very cute and i think shes nice and interesting (plus shes nice to me??) its all about me again god, anyway

she told me abt her past crushes and i only know her from online so she tells me basically every detail cause what im gonna do? she has a new crush thats like hopeless and making her feel lowkey bad and 1. i genuinely dont want her to suffer. im sure of that i dont want her to hurt cause she went through horrible shit and her life is not that great and i wish i could fix her (bad impulse to have, monitor for that) and 2. ive been goign insane trying to figure out if she means me, cause what reason she would have to NOt tell me (thats literally isnane, shes given me NO indication) so im fuckign delusionally optimistic, fork found in the fcukign kitchen

why am i so obsessed? why am is ending her lovey dovey messages, (i try to be respectful and just, flirt not to cross any boundaries but why why why) i want ehr attention, i find it cute how she says ily i like it when she says my name, how protective hse got when her brotehr misgendered me thatw as so!!! shes important to me, and i want her to love me

and thats manipulative thats manipualtive as fuck why would i flirt knowing that i dont love her knowing that i cant love anyone, and that she falls in love easily grrrr

and im so fuckign delusional "what if she does love me!" because she tells me cute things and talks about kissing but always slash j and i just dont fucking know if thats her being sweet or her being flirty and god i CANT even entertain thes ehtoughts because im a 23 year old deadbeat and shes 19! thats probably too big of an age difference. but im so so selfish for wanteing her to love me

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i need to fucking kill myself

im so scared. itll hurt probably and i dont want it to hurt

ill chicken out if i plan it too well, so i gotta get substanced, cry about it and be impulsive

im too tired to write a suicide note, im too tired to make sure i do something good because im a lazy fucking hypocrite and i want to take the easy way out

is life cool? yeah its nice and i like my friends and i like the pleasures, but the bad parts outweigh the good parts

im.so tired i wish my brain was older

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fallen into the trap of feeling like a lost teenager whole being 22

ok, now i recognize the problem, now how do i stop feeling overwhelmed by being alive

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whatever i cut my hips cause thats the only fucking place i can hide from my parents. its humiliating how i cant even go deep enough to have scars

is my pain tolerance really that pathetic, compared to those 15 year olds on shtwt?

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no no no no no whatever move i make its wrong god

hell is other people

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damage control

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whatever i say its about me me me me me

i genuinely shouldnt form close bonds with people

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ohh my god im fuckign everythign up by being so whiny and depressed for no reason im sorry okay im fucking sorry

i know i had it good i know im being dramatic i dont know how to STOP like. what parts of me do i show to people, what parts am i supposed to hide and not mention???

she knows im entitled and hate my family even though theyre not that bad shes had it AWFUL from hers, and shes not whining like that to me, so why am i ?? i hate myself so much

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i wish i were dead

i dont want to kill myself, i dont want to actively die, i just want to not be

i dont even want to self harm, cause that hurts and im being dramatic to my friends

i have no fucking WHY for that, i just feel bad bad bad bad for no reason