d0mainerr0r

[d0mainerr0r]

well i guess it’s never easy,, days months years,, what’s the difference ? life is standing still or rushing towards you,, the same feeling will always be there. sober,, desperate,, confused. either way the weight remains. floating aimlessly,, how much space can i see? distant blackness shelters me. escape further into it to find some relief. catch your breath in its glimpses only to be left clenching. reach for its valleys to gain some sense of peak. argue in its face for the taste of reality. hesitate and sputter away to find the control. submit to the nonsense to find yourself,, floating aimlessly.

[d0mainerr0r]

hello again ,, i went back over all of our conversations for the first time in a while tonight. man, my heart is twisted and screwed right now. i felt it all again. all of it. like a stab and a twist to the gut. i’d like to say that i’m so incredibly proud of how much progress i’ve made in the past year. i think i really found myself again. it’s so nice to be back here with myself, to rest, to weep, to reminisce, to love, to ponder, and to create,, alone. to the girl that was the reason for so much of this release: i still hold a spot for you in my heart. a part of our souls were burned and all that’s left is a scar with a distinctive touch. it’s been over two years now since we talked. shit it’s been two years. that’s crazy how time swallows you up, amongst other things. now i spend my time in isolation searching for a connection much similar to ours. i truly admire the sense of innocence and purity you evoked. it resonates with me. i see we chose very different paths,, looks like i was right to begin with. that’s okay tho, i hope that i still pop into your head now and again,, not to torment you but as a subtle reminder of what things were, emotions, the root to what i bet you still felt too. you’ve been swept off your feet and i’m some how still 6 feet beneath.i’ve been working awfully hard recently. the last relationship i was in honestly destroyed me. i was left in pieces having thoughts i’d never had before. a bad place. i’ve identified so many critical things about myself since then. i’ve gotten a lot of those thoughts written elsewhere tho. i’ve been dealing with this sense of skepticism and unworthiness regarding how my life has been going recently. things have been going quite well. i’ve fallen in love again and again with music, have a new job with some cool people, and most importantly i’ve regained my sense of pride in my time of isolation. i finish one of the greatest milestones of my life in just a couple short months. then what? it was nice talking with you again, catching up. those affirmations you told me years ago stand true to this day and brought tears to my face as i read them. so grateful for this platform of expression.

[d0mainerr0r]

I CANT TAKE BEING THE FUCKING VILLIAN ANYMORE. i’m so fucking sick of this shit

[d0mainerr0r]

hello again. i feel as almost a stranger would feel walking back into his home that once was. it’s been a long time for us. i apologize for the lack of consistency. i do miss our conversations. the past year has been so exciting. i’m still in love with the same girl i was a year ago. look at that. never imagined myself being capable of being so consistent for someone. i’ve slowly been able to find pride in it. sometimes it can be exhausting but other times rewarding. i came to a really big realization in my life a couple weeks ago. ever since i had turned 20 something in my head clicked and i convinced myself that I was no longer entitled to some of the emotions i felt. specifically that of when i’m alone, enjoying myself as nothing but that, alone. i found solace in it, it was my escape. however the past year proved that wasn’t the case anymore. i had slowly become terrified of that feeling. i lost the comfort i found from it. i thought that i wasn’t okay for me to be sad anymore because things were getting better. thus i always sought for time with other people, anything to slip the void. however i was driving a couple weeks ago. i went for a drive. i was a bit emotionally frustrated that day. the moment that song came on the radio. i broke down, and finally realized why i had been so sfsrsid of my own solitude. working through this now

[d0mainerr0r]

i find myself sitting on this stoop on the edge of something that was almost true. things have been difficult these past 6 months. so much change and getting used to things. i’m finding myself becoming more comfortable with the state of things being in free fall. i find my emotions to be scattered. being alone has become harder. my day sometimes depends on the emotional state of my significant other and it makes it harder to live a consistent lifestyle. i think it’s all apart of the challenge of becoming comfortable with myself in relation to someone else. i try not to let my emotions get the best of me because i don’t need to impose my mental state into this physical world as much as i have been doing. being vulnerable with someone has led me to find this dependency on someone. it’s really quite terrifying. i feel myself holding back from it sometimes because i don’t want to lose myself in something. it’s not that i’m resistant to it, it’s just that i have never done this before and sometimes the intense reality of becoming one with someone is fucking mind boggling. your interests become mine your well being becomes my priority. my morals start to shift into something that is comprable. it’s really wild. really wild. thinking about this shit throws me through a loop. a loop that seems to be upside down most of the time. i love it. i think i need to transform this thought of falling into something that i can fully embrace. i make a fool of myself a lot when it comes to acting on this stuff. it’s crazy what so much love for someone else will make you do. this is the hardest thing i’ve done. fuck. fuck fuck you’re crazy man. look at yourself. you’ve found love and it’s honestly taking that hole out of your chest and filling with something that seems to resemble balance. even my thought process has changed. i’m changing. still. fuck this world has me so mixed up. it’s fun in a different meaning of the word. it keeps me on my toes. it keeps my in the process of analyzing my emotions in relation to this physical reality. i haven’t ever had to share all of these thoughts with someone before and it makes me really wonder if i feel all of these things to their fullest extent. am i really as different as i thought myself to be. in someways yes and others no. i’m still figuring that out. am i becoming normal? i don’t know. something i do know is that i haven’t remained stagnant for a long time now. i can appreciate that. i’m pushing myself in so many different and unique ways right now. keep that shit up man you live for that shit you know you do you keep pushing to defy the status quo and throw people through their own loops. YOU KEEP DOING THE SHIT THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. FUCK THE FUTURE FUCK RESPONSIBILITY. IF YOU KEEP DOING SOMETHING THAT CAN MAKE YOU SMILE YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH. STOP TRYING TO PLEASE ITHER PEOPLE AND ALLOW THEIR EXPECTATIONS AND DOUBTS TO INFLUENCE YOUR DECISIONS. ITS NOT SO HARD TO JUST DO THE SHIT YOU WANT TO DO. YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT YOU WILL DO THIS YOU HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO BLOW THESE PEOPLE AWAY WITH WHAT YOU CAN DO. KEEP LOVING YOURSELF AND TAKE PRIDE IN WHO YOU ARE AND WHO YOU WILL BE. YOU ARE THE SOLE ENTITY WHO DICTATES THE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE. STICK TO IT

[d0mainerr0r]

I still find solace in the things i once was. the things that are slowly slipping away from me. I still need time to adjust to who i am becoming, to what I am becoming. but you don’t need to be afraid of the things that were. You made yourself the person you are now and sharing that with someone is hard and new. its hard being consistent not only for yourself but for someone else. you will never make your mind up about things but don’t use that as a reason to be afraid of what is happening now. I am still all of those, i am still who i sought after to be, who im going to be and who i am. 

buzz

her check creases

she folds

eyes flicker

heart fringes

my tired eyes 

fall short

palms waver

skin thaws

knees drop

jaw locks

buzz

[d0mainerr0r]

i’m sorry if i make you feel this way. i’m changing but the way i felt for you hasn’t. i hope you don’t feel betrayed.

[d0mainerr0r]

it’s really hard to always try and play the middle man. i’m always trying to spare people their feelings. the hardest shit always happens at once. i’m caught between this disconnect and love. should i just spare myself the time ? i’m just a man. these silly silly obstacles life gives me to teach me lessons. do you see my struggle ? my eyes will tell you the rest

[d0mainerr0r]

These last couple months have been some of the most impactful. i started to make some friends and I find myself spending a lot of time with them now. it feels good to have something in front of me now. something that i can grab and hold on to. but i feel another part of myself slipping. im losing myself in this man. i don’t know if this is me. there is just something different about always being alone that satisfies me. i find myself less and less with my own thoughts but with the thoughts of a collective. i’m changing again. im losing some relationships with myself and others that i could have never imagined. there is so much to touch and hear and taste. it tastes so good. why are my temptations so saturated with tenderness and growth. I see it and then i see myself. these opportunities have so much potential for personal growth. these thoughts have some much potential for disaster. is climbing out of this fucking whole my next step? it can be so gentle down there. i have never been in this gear before. life is so crazy man. this isn’t something to worry yourself too much about. you just need to keep loving yourself man. it really is hard to doubt yourself when there is so much love and people caring about you. i might be so frustrated because i am so ready for this next step in my life. i want to find a new place to live, i want to further develop my relationships with my peers, i want to become the over-achieving adult that ive always expected myself to be. i want to be able to express myself in all meanings of the action. I want to share myself with someone special again in a new, challenging and hearth-throbbing way. i want to create something tangible and permanent with my art.

[d0mainerr0r]

imma burn you down

i wanna see the places that make you tick

I wanna see you burn

i want you to betray yourself

i see you melting

i can smell your cowardice demeanor

cut me off and i’ll tie another knot

i wanna see you burn

tied up and left to dissolve

i want you to feel my burn

[d0mainerr0r]

what’s your concern with how i feel?

[d0mainerr0r]

i have really been struggling with something recently. i’m trying to break this immature habit of just cycling through girls. i want to break this so badly. at this point it really feels like the only way i can find a successful relationship. i’ve never had to fight my urges and lie to myself this much. it’s really kind of tearing me apart. there really is this part of me that wants something actually meaningful and special with a girl. but at the same time i feel like such a fraud. i say one thing but my actions say another. and there is this new girl who really has just been blowing my mind the past few weeks. this situation is a bit more touchy than any other one i’ve been in the past. so with this recent conversation about trying to break my bad habits, this new temptation enters my life. and they always do when i’m the most unbalanced. i continually tried to restrain myself, but i overall failed and really am left not knowing how to deal with my own emotions. some say it’s a part of maturity to sacrifice some things for others. i think that’s a fucking joke. because i want to have it all. i want to feel all of it. i’ll never spare myself the grief. but in doing so i’m only able to graze the edge of normality. i sound and i look but i don’t feel. i might just go numb for a little bit longer. until i really notice that distance. i catch myself talking the same way. fool. it’s been weeks now and you don’t ever leave. i need you gone for a bit so i can figure this out.

[d0mainerr0r]

i wonder if you have the same dreams that i do. I haven’t talked to you in a year but it’s not so much the same in my dreams. we have regular conversation, “with how are you”s and “what’s new”s. i don’t know if you have these too or i’m just on my own with this one again. to whatever these conversations amount to, i still don’t know how to feel about it. in my head i like to think that we have hit that point where we can respect each other’s decisions without having to still be in each other’s lives. i like to think that we have this non verbal agreement that we dont need to check in on each other because we are both busy doing things for ourselves. I hope that last conversation resonated with you a way that makes you resent me but respect me at the same time.

destroying who we were just grow into a different sleeve. i don’t recognize you and you don’t recognize me. the winds have swept us off our feet. the sun has blinded our vision. we carry on in hopes of these dreams.

[d0mainerr0r]

is it mad of me to constantly wonder about the mundaneness of normal existence? being constantly shown what normalness is is absolutely exhausting. i don’t have many friends nor a relationship. and when i am asked about these things i have even become comfortable with those answers. I am comfortable with it all. it’s hard to feel like you are constantly missing out on oppourtinities within the social culture of college. it’s my second year and im still a lonely bloke. i get that there are sacrifices that come along with being so self aware, although sometimes i just want to be blissfully ignorant. this isn’t a matter of bragging rather a plea for some unattested enjoyment. brain leave me be

[d0mainerr0r]

more often than not. i’m sure on one thing. that i really can’t tell whether being alone is something that is just meant to be or it is in part caused by something.

[d0mainerr0r]

hello again, it's been a while since the last time we talked. i finished my first year of college and towards the end, i really put myself through some things. i finally was able to understand how i felt. that's probably one of the things that i'm most proud of. i can stop holding myself back. you are gone but the impact you had will forever reside. overall thank you for experiencing all of this with me. i got to hit my highs and lows. i expected to hit my lows this time. i was prepared this time. but i still fell so damn hard. im me again. i'm completely me. i grew up these past few years being this isolated individual. i learned so much about myself doing this. i want to share myself with people. i'll always be the independent person that i am now and i'll always have myself to count on. but it's time to explore myself in a way that i haven't done in a long time. i want to feel love again, i want to feel betrayal and innocence and pain again. i want it all. i want to make the memories of my life NOW. i want to share these with others. i want to find more people who i can forever share my life with. i love my friends and i love myself. i want to share that with some more people. i want to experience the building of a real friendship with someone again. i want to fall in love with a girl at first sight and have her rip my fucking heart out and spit on it. i want that same girl to treat me how she wants to because she's mature enough to do so. i'm sick of being in charge. noah, if you haven't realized, we have been out of neutral for a while now. heck we are almost out of first gear. time to be hands on. make your fucking destiny happen man. there will always be that void in your heart that will never let you stray away from the person that you are. i'm starting to understand that it is apart of me. but it's something i need to love and not cry with. I WANT TO BE STUPID AGAIN. it has its own meaning but it sure means a lot to me. i want to lose my self in you. i'll find you. i promise.

[d0mainerr0r]

i think sometimes people have the ability to make lives better for themselves whether they know it or not. i also believe that sometimes people maintain that same ability to make their lives harder. i guess what i'm trying to say is that it takes effort to make the changes that you want to see. sometimes you gotta put all you have into something until it turns out. never quite right, but it turns. i need to get to work