d3molitionlov3rs

[d3molitionlov3rs]

6/27/23

I feel ive grown a lot since i was 14, but still somehow i still feel so stuck to him. I have this longing feeling for him. Like he's always lingering there, just right outside of my touch. He's so attainable but not at the same time. Like im not allowed to have him, which makes me want him more. My memories of him are so chaotic. All i remember is how i felt, how he made me feel something when i was stuck and couldnt feel anything. Whether I was angry, sad, or happy it didnt matter. He made me feel something, anything. He took my mind off all the things I was going through. He was all i would think about. Ive talked to so many guys and none of them have made me feel the way he did. I feel nothing if its not him. I hate how things have turned out. I want to apologize for all of the anger i took out on him for something so stupid. He didnt deserve that at all. I want to tell him that but I dont want to drag up our past like I have way too many times. What bothers me the most is he never told me how he felt about me, ever. I wish he could at least tell me that. I have so many mixed emotions about him, because every time a man asks me for nudes I get this sinking feeling in my chest and i feel like im 15 again willing to do anything for him. That part of our relationship is the only thing i truly regret. I hated the feeling of thinking he was only talking to me for my body.  

[d3molitionlov3rs]

i still cant stop thinking abt him. i messaged him a week ago, but no response. i feel so stupid.

[d3molitionlov3rs]

June 2021 (repost bc i said his name)

I was looking through old messages and snapchat memories and I'm really starting to see how much he consumed me. I met him I think at my lowest mental health period. Honestly meeting him made it worse. In those months I was talking to him he consumed my every thought, he controlled my mood, and he was the only person I really talked to. I began to spiral. I'm still struggling today with everything that was "us". What's upsetting the most is that he only ever saw me as a "friend". We were never really friends. I don't think I ever have considered him one. A friend wouldn't have done that to me. When we would have confrontations he would always talk to me like it was my fault or like I was stupid. I've lashed out on him and gotten randomly angry at him multiple times. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. I cant even remember how many times I’ve blocked, unblocked and told him I'm sorry. Too many times. I don't even know if he groomed me. It doesn't feel that bad what happened to me, but looking back on it I never want to feel like that again. The way he made me feel when he would message me in the middle of the night wanting to see my body, when I've been waiting all day for him to message me back. I had a big crush on him, I would've done anything he asked me. That was one of the worst feeling ever. All I wanted was to talk to him, have an interesting conversation with him, but no. He had me wrapped around his finger and I think he knew that. He knew he could get whatever he wanted from me. He knew he could use me.

[d3molitionlov3rs]

he makes me so crazy idfk why.

[d3molitionlov3rs]

going crazy i want to talk to him so bad

[d3molitionlov3rs]

August 1st, 2022

Its been a year since I last posted. A lot has happened since then. Nothing good though. Its been a lot of not talking to him and unfollowing him again. Yknow the normal stuff, but a lot of not talking. The last time I messaged him was June 25. I was drunk and I told him something along the lines of "We've been through a lot but I still care about you." LOL. Never got a response from him. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe I want him to see it, but I know he never will. I wish he would just tell me what he thinks of me. Its so confusing. I can never read if he hates me, if he's just putting up w me, or if he just doesn't care. He is so fucking hard to understand. I want him to be straight forward with me. If he thinks I'm fucking crazy I want him to tell me. Like GOD. I don't even know why he's still stuck in my head. My friend said he put a black magic curse on me. I'm starting to believe her. I've talked to so many different boys and nothing made me feel the way he did. We've never even called before. All we did was text. When we did talk he was always so nice to me. Idek anymore. I think I ruined any chance of a normal friendship w him. God he probably thinks I'm CRAY. Anyway deep down I think I just crave his validation. Idk why it has to be his, but it does.

[d3molitionlov3rs]

may 9th, 2021

Last night i realized that I've never been someone's favorite person before. I realized in every relationship I've been in i have had to put in all the work, because if if didn't i wouldn't get spoken to. I've never been enough for anybody, even him. i met him in late January/ early February 2020. It all started when he dm'd me on instagram. I had posted pictures of fourteen year old me at a tyler the creator concert in October when he dm'd me in January saying "vote igor smart girl" or something like that. I was kind of shocked because a boy had never messaged me before like this. So i responded probably with something super cringey. Instantly after the first few messages he asked me if i was a freshmen, i told him yes and that i was fourteen. He was jokingly grossed out by that since he was an seventeen year old senior. The conversation quickly turned sexual. He was joking about me subscribing to his onlyfans and how he had a big dick. I kept joking about how he probably had a small dick, so he asked for my snapchat. I stupidly gave it to him. I really don't remember talking to him on snapchat, but i am 100% sure he sent me nudes and asked me for nudes. He asked me for nudes for weeks and i kept saying no, until one day i finally gave in. I gave in because over those few weeks i grew to like him and i had this weird trust in him. i had honestly become obsessed with him, and i still struggle with the obsession today. We continued to be friends, but he would only talk to me at night time and was only ever interested in the conversation when it was sexual. I learned he only wanted me when i was sexual, so i would hyper sexualize myself for him. I did this because i was scared he would leave me if i didn't give him what he wanted. I told myself "its just your boobs its not a big deal". i convinced myself what we were doing was okay. Then in April we both had a birthday. When he turned 18 he said we needed to stop what we were doing because he was an adult now. It stopped for maybe a month. All summer we talked sexually. Until it stopped, but in late December at around 6am we were talking and he asked for a "video", I told him no but id send him a picture. I did and unlike the other times when he would compliment me he just complained i didn't send him a video. I felt horrible, like garbage. That was the last time we talked sexually and sent nudes. Then in January of 2021 i messaged him about how what we were doing was wrong, he agreed. I think if i wouldn't of messaged him about that he would've ghosted me. That was the first of many conversations we had about what he did to me. I still have this weird obsession with him, that's why I'm making this blog. To figure out my emotions and workout my "trauma". I say it like that because i don't know if he did cause me trauma or if I'm just dramatic. Anyway goodnight.