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Yellow.

My yellow. 12:34 PM. Right now we are having a video call through Messenger. It has almost been two months and within these months, a lot has changed. Change by the means that he made my dark world so colorful.

At first, I thought it was just all fun and games. I thought everything would just stay as friends. I didn’t think that we would have the potential to be lovers. Despite all, I still have to choose. Him or being in a toxic relationship with my past and let’s call this past, Feb.

Of course, I chose him, my yellow. What’s wrong is beside having a relationship with my past, I hurt him (Feb). Not that I didn’t make a great decision, it’s just so wrong that I somehow cheated. It really tested my conscience but I need to make a decision and find a way to solve this.

This experience changed my view in a relationship. It was a big lesson to me. But after all, I still made a great decision. What matters is that I gained happiness. Maybe, this is the universe telling what I truly deserve. Eventually, he became my yellow and on the other hand, my positivity, my energy, my enlightenment, my joy and my love. 

Maybe, this is an experience that I should consider. I have to accept what I did is truly not wrong.

I need to keep in my mind that no matter how dull my situation is, there will always be a rainbow after the rain. I know I’m not new to this kind of situations but this experience gave me hope. That in the end, everything will be fine as long as I try my best to make a decision. And I am grateful that my last best decision was choosing him, my love of my life. 

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My Opinion.

What a heartbreaking news that opened our minds regarding Christine Dacera alleged rape case this new year. The autopsy shows that it was Aneurysm and was not proven as rape. The rape case was just forced by her family because they believed it so and then filed cases against the men that she was with that night. 

Everyone freaked out and spilled rumors, wrong information and accused all men of their behavior towards women. Yet, after going through the social media of men that were accused, it does not justify the rape case. To say, they were gays but let me tell you, that does not mean that their gender won’t commit that kind of crime. And to think that there was no sufficient evidence to prove the said issue.

The problem is people is easy to point finger, I am not saying that it is not a rape case, I am saying that people accuse people so easily without having hard evidences. Another thing is that the so-called president of the Philippines stated that as long as women are beautiful, there will always be cases of rape. Sounds problematic right? 

This experience has brought me to thinking that let’s not easily judge people. Let them take the process legally. We want a fair and an unbiased justice system. Yes, we are being fair to Dacera’s issue but we are not being fair to her friends that were accused. What we need are hard proofs and not dominated emotions. Maybe this experience will teach us a lot of lessons once it is proven. Being wrongly accused is very hard, with this we do not realize that we are ruining other people’s lives just because our judgment comes first. And then the president just worsened the issue by stating his sexual beliefs. 

Afterall, it is not Dacera’s fault. If it’s really a rape then she does not deserve it and honestly no one deserves that kind of treatment. Rape is rape. But the truth will come out, people could not just absorb what is happening because their anger comes first.

After knowing this issue, I realized that despite being in a bad place, we must protect all girls. Dacera was said to be drunk but taking advantage of a drunk woman is never okay. This issue made me realize that we really have to wait for the legal outcome since it is a serious matter, we should not be spitting rumors which would make the issue worse. The truth is still the truth and it will eventually come out. Do not judge, just observe and wait silently. And the truth shall prevail. Above all, women should not be threatened by boys and these sexual predators because first of all we must all have the basic human decency.

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THIS IS FOR ME

This is for me. This 29th of November was relieving, I finally let go of the man who had never been there for me in good and in bad times. I just have to walk away. 

My love was rejected and my love for him already faded. This second chance I gave him was not worth it. It was wasted. Well, for the record, it didn’t hurt. 29th of November came and the moment I saw him popping up through my phone’s notifications, I didn’t see the future we once planned together. I just want to get out of it. 

Why did I leave? He was a manipulative sad boy. He used his fake feelings to make me feel bad. And I know for sure that the problem was not me. He never listens to my problems, he just makes it worse. I, too, may have been stressing my own life and if you know you know, that doesn’t give me the audacity to not consider his feelings, but to him, it was just all vice versa. He does not care. It’s more than that. It was toxic and God knows how happy am I that I got out of it. And to be honest, I never blamed myself for choosing my own happiness rather than wasting it to a worthless man. 

This experience really boosted my mental health. I thought I would never get out of this, but I am braver than I thought. Having a time with my happy self, knowing that I am being surrounded by the people who love me and finally this experience taught me how to open things from my family like I said, I am braver. Maybe, this is a new chapter to me. And if that is so, I am willing to take this chapter in a new beautiful story. Maybe, this is God’s plan to me that I should be taking. Maybe, there is a next person that will come to my life and maybe this time he will be the right one. 

I want to hate him for what he did to me but I do not wish that kind of pain to anyone else. I know he hurt me, but I still hope for his happiness and inner peace. I wanted us to grow so bad but at this time, not together. I think that we are just not meant together. And I wish I realized it earlier. 

I’ve encountered maybe twice of a heartbreak from a person I once loved but that doesn’t give me the right not to love again. I am still young and I know one day I will meet the right person. I know you too, who’s reading my journal had experience having a breakup and I should say, be brave. Just like me, we all deserve to heal and be happy. We all deserve to be free and breath from all these chaos of love. And now, I must forgive myself for taking too long to let go, I hurt myself and this time, I will really try and do my best every minute and second. Not lose hope because I know in my heart that I deserve nothing but peace.

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I Needed Space

Before having this quarantine life, I gave up on my social media. It's just too much for me and I could not handle having a lot of people knowing me. These people were actually killing me inside and really getting on my nerves. I hated the way social media works, it really ruins a lot of people's behaviors. Having my social media being in public, I encountered a lot of problems. Many were interfering with my life, had a lot of fights, sexist men and people making a fake account just to ruin one's life. It was really too hard for me to handle this. These were just actually the few reasons why I hate social media and I know there is a lot more. But you know, I think that is not being cowardly, I think it is believing and knowing your own peace. The reason why I hated the people inside the social media is because they become less of a human, I know, social media is powerful but at least we should know how to use it. This is already a part of our lives but people think this is giving them a free pass to ruin other people's lives. But I realize that I cannot control one's actions, all I can do is leave this social media and care myself for my own peace. Eventually, they will forget me which is 99.9% true. When the OLC started, I was so against having my social media open again but that is the time where I learned that I was right in leaving the social media, they already forgot and moved on from me. I really proved to myself that I can do it again and not be bothered by these kinds of people. There are still some but now I do not care. I mastered the subtle art of not giving a care for them. There are a lot of things that matter rather than listening to them and wasting my time by dealing with these nonsense. I wanted change and now I can say that there were parts from me that had changed. I started to get comfortable saying no and cutting them off for my sake. I know for sure that next time there will still be people like this but this time, I know what to do, STOP GIVING A CARE FOR THESE NONSENSE. While taking this guide for myself, I really take my time to hear myself from what I want and NOT what others want. I realized that many can apply this, not only me but others too, if people do not take time to know what they want or what they value, they will not master the art of not giving a care. Just like me, positively speaking, we should be clear on what we want so that we can filter out the nonsense of people.

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CONQUER

I still remember, last year, July 2019, I had the worst break up. He left because he was never contented and had a lot of games with other girls. Only if he knew how much it really hurts yet he was just there being happy with his dumb action. It was a stupid experience for me, telling myself where I went wrong and countlessly finding my worth. I hated him so much that when he realized what he lost then multiple times of trying to talk to me, I ignored him. As I am at the moment where I was going through a hard time, I had a room full of questions. Why did he cheat? Am I not pretty? Enough? Do I deserve this? I kept overlooking what is wrong with me but then days have passed by, time by time, I am slowly forgetting him. I did not realize that I can actually move on, maybe I was just emotionally attached to him that is why I think like I could not let go of him and that is completely wrong, I was wrong. I am beginning to understand how he never deserves me, any man who manipulates the feelings of the woman who loves him is a complete ruthless. Finally, I began to let go of him for my peace of mind. This time, I know I can move on. I know I was just being too hard to myself. He was just a weak man who pushes away a woman's pure love. If he truly loves me, he will never leave me with other girls. I realized that only time could help me from moving on. I just have to cry this pain and eventually one day I'll wake up and all the pain will be gone. It came to my mind that sometimes I will not get what I want from a person because I deserve better. In order for me to move on, I must accept, I should be happy. I don't care if people will hate what I'm doing but as long as it makes me happy, I will do it. This is a guide for me as I am growing up. I know that there will be more temporary people in my life and thinking about what could happen in the future, it may be scary but I am willing to take this journey into the future of the unknown. I started reflecting and believing on how worthy I am. Next time I meet a new guy I will do my best to avoid and never experience this again. Through time, everything will be okay. This, I believe.

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Felt Like

It's been a long time since I made a letter for myself but ah I remember when I was a kid, my father used to lift and carry me from our sala to my bed and he thought that I fell asleep from the movie which we had watched. Little did he know that I was just faking my sleep? It was a delightful experience. As a child I thought that it will be forever like that. Now, times are rough, there are days where I could see myself crying from the things I really can’t think of, what a dreadful burden for me to carry the darkness. My mind is messy and my heart is terribly heavy. I miss the old days, where all I think were my toys and not this chaotic world. I can't think, I know that I should avoid moments like these but these are the moments where I give myself the permission to be vulnerable. All these thoughts spinning inside my head and the pain slowly swallowing me through the darkness, felt really hard. Well, I think I know what's inside my head. A failure to myself? Before I sleep, everything eats my mind, all those things where I see my life being wasted, going through the worst breakups, and failing as a daughter, a friend and a lover. I can surely remember things like this but why does it feel so empty? Seems like my feelings were already dead. Why do I feel these awful moments where I could just move on and let go? Oh, so I see. Maybe because I let myself be weak and never took the responsibility of my life. Maybe all I ever thought was my feelings and never considered others. I was selfish, immature and an entitled human being. Maybe, I was a real failure. These will always be the questions and the answers for me. I don't know if you're going to believe me when I say this but I am truly sorry for everything that I did wrong to myself and to others and I hope that you know that my heart is heavy with regrets. My only wish in the world right now is to give myself one more chance, I want nothing but for me to try again, see where my road will take me and hope for a better story. All I ask is for me to recover and heal from the things I don't talk about. It made me realize that I am a strong woman. I am worthy, enough and most of all, I am loved. I will already rest my head and tomorrow will be the new day and new hope for me. From now on whenever I encounter chaos in my life, I will save myself from the storm not just one time, but forever. In this, I will never be able to hurt the people that I truly love. My dearest heart, please let me hold you tight and let me be your solace that will make you feel cozy at night just like when my dad carried me to bed. This, maybe I will be able to feel the good old days moments I had.