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the belted waist and platform heel.... she knows she's serving, and it ain't just what's in the pan

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hey Elvis is the glass half full or half empty to you?

Woah mama it depends on whether you're filling or emptying

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military recruiter: so what got you guys interested in the marine corps

enormous horde of hagfish, ispods and bottom-feeding crustaceans: oh. uh. is that how you pronounce it

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they should invent a january that doesn’t make you go through every emotion known to mankind every day

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watching home alone 2 withmy family and this fucking channel keeps putting medical notes on screen

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to be fair to Cain if nobody had ever died before and I didn't know it was possible I would probably also hit my brother over the head with a rock if he was being really annoying

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People who think sheep are killed for their wool are so hilarious to me. Does your barber slit your throat whenever you get a haircut?? Are you a returning customer to Sweeney Todd? Lmao it grows back, fools.

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do people who live in countries that don't have snow know about the snow silence? When you get a nice big dumping of fresh snow and you step outside into an infinitely harshly contrasted world and there's no sound because the snow absorbs it all? I believe it fits the traditional use of terrific both wonderful and incredible but also causing a great terror.

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i love the phrase "cruel and unusual." not only is what you're doing mean but it's also quite frankly fucking bizarre

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oh to be a dog

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