dadkisser15

[dadkisser15]

I feel so alone and I’m scared it’s going to stay that way, I feel so scared to actually get close and comfortable with someone. Yesterday, an old friend of mine asked if I wanted some cookies they made since they were passing by my neighborhood and I wanted to say yes, I wanted to see them again, give them a hug or something but I didn’t; I told them I was okay and I refused their offer because I got scared. I don’t know why I got scared. It’s like all the stupid drama has just been building stress up in me and I feel so upset all the time, I don’t have anyone to turn to because I don’t have anyone close to me! And I’m not complaining, I know that’s my fault. I just wish I wasn’t a fucking freak, I wish I didn’t get nervous or scared at dumb stuff and I wish I didn’t overthink things so much. Lately I’ve just been wanting a friend, I miss my best friend so much and I’m so mad he ended up being a fucking weirdo. It frustrates me to my core because the one guy I actually loved to be around turned out to just be an oddball. I hate that sometimes when I get lonely I think about him and how much I just miss my best friend. I know what happened wasn’t even my fault but I feel so much regret, like, maybe things could’ve unfolded differently? but then again if that was his true nature it would’ve been revealed to me one way or another which makes me feel awful honestly. I’m just really sad and alone, I miss my friends and I hate myself for ruining every relationship I’ve had

[dadkisser15]

Disgust /

I feel like I’m stuck in a state of distraught, he understands my motives and why I did what I did but everything feels so wrong. I already felt a decline and I practically shoved down a flight of stairs. I’ve already apologized countless times but saying sorry will not rebuild the lost trust and disgust I’ve evoked. I just wanted to spend time with him but I wish I never did that, I wish I never took my friends advice on this. She doesn’t even care for me like how I care for her, she couldn’t even speak to me when I was breaking down at my lowest yet I was always there for her; so why did I put my trust in her judgment. I ruined the one good thing I had going for me relationship wise, even speaking to him last night made me feel so much calmer. But why. Why can I not get it through my thick skull that he will never love me like how I love him, a very stubborn part of me believes he could love me; even with and without my flaws. He’s said and called me things no one has ever and he doesn’t know how special that makes him in my eyes. When I love someone I really do because I’m willing to commit to him, have a future and be happy together. Just hearing him makes all my fears and worries go away and I’m so scared of losing him, to another woman or just by my own faults. But I’ve fucked up real bad, my attempt to get closer only pushed him away and something crazy like this is only something I could dream of doing and I don’t know why I would do it. Why didn’t I think of the consequences and how this could ruin the trajectory of our relationship. On my way home I almost started praying, praying that the bus would bring me home faster and praying for him. He doesn’t seem as bothered by it compared to how I feel but I pray that he still wants me (in general) I don’t have any specifics for that but I don’t want what we have to change cause god knows I’ll miss our closeness and the way we talk. This hurts to think about, it hurts to think about losing someone close to me again and this time it would be all my fault so I can only blame myself and hate myself for it. I could only feel shame last night, everytime I heard him sigh after I said something in my stupidly shaky voice I wanted to actually just cry and I hated how his voice was making me feel, it really wasn’t appropriate at the time but his voice was so quiet and calm, his tone was just so sweet to me and I wanted to make my brain explode because I couldn’t be thinking those things while having a serious conversation with him. I feel disgusted with myself, not because I disliked the way he was making me feel; it was because I enjoyed the way he was making me feel and I’m just mad at myself for not being able to control that. It’s just like when I’m upset with him i cannot resist him one bit and now that the roles were reversed I still couldn’t and I feel so much shame. It makes me want to cry because he was so patient and understanding I hate myself for doing this to him, doing this to us; what we had was fine as is so why couldn’t I have some patience. It felt like I wasn’t myself and honestly I haven’t been feeling like myself at all, I just wanted his attention so why couldn’t I just ask for that ? I was really tired of the constant rejections but why why why did I do that. I. Don’t want him to stop calling me those sweet names and I don’t want him to hate me or just want to avoid me so why would I do this to myself. Gosh kev. Kev you mean so much to me and this is killing me, I feel so much guilt and regret. Please don’t leave me, I wanted to ask you not to leave me but I can’t make you stay, I can’t ask you to do that because I don’t have the right to ask for that. But please, you mean so much to me and I don’t want this odd incident to mess with what we have. I know you don’t plan on leaving but I feel like somehow you’ll emotionally check out, I want to fix this and I want to use this and somehow build our bond so we’re closer. My devotion towards you is never ending and I hope to stay close in the future.

[dadkisser15]

No man could love a girl like me

I’m so full of bad ideas and no man could love me for my flaws and imperfections, I fucked up one of the best friendships I have as of now and I hate myself. Everything was so good until I had to ruin it

[dadkisser15]

Limerence

When it gets quiet the only thing on my mind is you. I just made myself look stupid because I told you how I missed you, “what does that mean” ? ?? I don’t know exactly, I can’t just say that I miss everything because what is “everything”? I don’t want to bother you either, yet somehow i feel as if every little interaction we have is bothering you. Like I irritate you and i need to be quiet and behave myself refrain from being needy and wanting you. I’m so tired of asking now because I keep getting stood up, I know I said I’d be willing to wait around if it was for you but not even I would make you wait that long. If it was for you I’d find a way to make you wait less, I wonder if you even felt bad those times. If you were tired why couldn’t you just say? If you were hanging out with another girl you could’ve just told me and I would’ve never asked, I would’ve let you have your time. I’m so sick of waiting, I don’t think he could ever sympathize with how I feel because he doesn’t like me like that. I’m afraid that if I stop asking we’ll never hang out again and I’ll lose someone dear to me again. It’s not even just the romantic aspect either, I’ll lose a friend too. The romance has also just been a bit stale, I have been trying to stay affectionate because I still feel that way towards you but you treat me like we’re just acquaintances, is that all we are to you? It was like just a month ago you were speaking to me as if I meant so much to you, now the contrast is actually crazy. I wait so long just to get a word out of you now, I mean waiting has always been a thing I had to do but you don’t even feel bad when you do it anymore. I’m just give some simple response most of the time and I’m left alone for hours again and I’m just frustrated. I want to talk to you but you don’t want to speak to me. Say that so I don’t waste my time, why can’t he just love me. I love him but he doesn’t love me. I know it isn’t that simple but I just feel so unloveable and ugly.

I feel like I can’t even be friendly with him right now either because I’ll just feel dumb blowing his phone up, I want to talk to you!! Talk to me !!! But he can go hours without speaking to me. Why just why. All of this hurts so bad and after yesterday I don’t feel like talking too much, I feel like I’ll make everything worse. It’s not like he’ll even reciprocate either and it’ll just feel awkward and I hate making things awkward.

I miss how he was before, what even changed? Is there something wrong with me ? Or has he lost interest or found someone else that has peaked his interest. God I wanna fucking sob at the thought of that, I feel like I’ve just become a chore of some sort to speak with. He not like himself anymore, like at all. His normal goofy, sometimes dark humored but sweet self. I wanna help him with whatever he’s going through but he doesn’t speak with me about much unless it’s me engaging. Am I boring him? Possibly.

[dadkisser15]

Tired

I just spent the majority of my day cleaning like a maniac and all I want is him right now. Not even just to speak I just crave his presence and I miss him bad, I don’t wanna message him again because I’ve sent so much already but all I want is him right now. He makes me feel so calm and safe, I miss him so bad. I miss how he was just a couple weeks ago. I understand my baby is tired but I miss his affection and love so much I can’t take it. I wanna sob right now but I’m folding pants and I just wanna get all of this finished so I can lay in bed and rest. I yearn for him and he’s probably feels indifferent about me but I miss him. His company, his voice and his face. I didn’t even miss him like this when he went on vacation because he actually spoke to me then. Quite literally everyday and I was so grateful but I can’t even get him for a minute now, somehow he disappears even when I respond the second he messages and it leaves me with this dreaded feeling questioning what’s wrong with me and if he even likes me anymore. Surprisingly I’m not losing my mind because a part of me is holding onto hope that he actually still likes me another part wants to crash out and just lose it. But guys why crash out when I can just clean my room!!! He’s never left me on sent this long well if he has I don’t even recall when but this isn’t a normal occurrence. At most it’ll be an hour or so but this is excessive, what is he even doing? A part of me feels angry but indifference takes over most of my emotions. I’m trying to just stay calm and not assume things and honestly I feel good because I’ve been needing to express this for days but I’ve just been letting it build up and get worse to the point I’ve just been lashing out at everything and everyone around me. I understand I’m not a priority to him but he’s one to me so I just feel hurt. I might just get this shit done with and go sleep. I’m tired and I miss him

[dadkisser15]

Bitter

I’m so bitter right now, I feel so bitter knowing that if I was her you would’ve probably stayed and spoke so more. Instead I was met with silence and I am oh so bitter. If she asked to match you would’ve said yes, I got a maybe and I am so extremely bitter. I feel bitter knowing I showed my body off to you just to be treated like an after thought, I desperately want your attention and reassurance yet all I’m receiving as of now is just snippets of your attention. You couldn’t even have an actual conversation with me, no distractions; a genuine 1 on 1 when that’s all I’ve been craving these past few days. Just to simply enjoy some time with you, make you laugh and just be able to bathe in the warmth of your sweet voice. Was I only good for lust? Was it really just that? I feel so bitter knowing that I probably don’t mean a lot to you. I really do have strong feelings for you and this just hurts me so bad. Is it because you don’t like me anymore? Why am I being treated differently, am I not your princess? It sounds corny but a lot of the things you say to me mean so much, the hold you have on my heart is beyond words. I just want something with you, I don’t want something “causal”. Maybe I should just give up on this, even though It would hurt me so bad. I really thought my company and affectionate meant something to you; after that one conversation we had. You told me you felt as if I was giving up on speaking with you, I hadn’t asked to call or hang out that entire week or so and you were right, I was slowly giving up; it wasn’t because I didn’t want to do any of that but because I was aware you were hanging out with another girl but it’s like the same thing is happening again but you don’t care this time. I’m actually trying this time because I thought iy meant something to you, yet I got stood up two days and today you barely spoke with me. I was so excited to speak with you even though my faith was diminishing, i was so excited to hear you but you were distracted the entire time and it made me feel shitty since I was sitting there doing nothing since I really just wanted to do something together or just talk. I was grateful for your company but I wanted to cry the whole time. I even did my makeup because I wanted you to see me, call me pretty maybe? I also wanted to see you but again i was given a maybe 😞. I feel like giving up because you aren’t giving me any of your time but im afraid this time you’ll actually just forget about me and I still want what we have. God kev. Kevin. My baby. ☹️ I just want you and your love. I wanna tell you what’s hurting my mind and I wanna express myself but I’m so unsure about everything. I hate feeling bitter towards you, it isn’t like im mad just I feel so disappointed and insecure.

[dadkisser15]

F

Js made myself look fucking stupid again, I’m tryin so hard to stay optimistic but he’s just hangin with another girl. Like I don’t even know what I was expecting tbh I’m making myself look like a dumb ass begging for his attention ;that’s all I want his attention and him to hang out with me but I know that if we did hang out tn by the time I get him he gonna be all tired cause he was hanging with that girl. Like if that happens I’m gonna be so upset, atp just don’t like I want to spend time with him but it just feels like he’s just saying yes so I don’t feel bad. There’s nothing wrong with saying no, I’ll be disappointed and sad but this sucks just as much. LIKE OKAYY GIRL YOU CAN HAVE HIM!!! 😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😰😰😨😨😨😨😰😨😰😰😰😰 my fuckin god. Like wow thats so cute that you got him matching with you and you’re hanging out with him. I look like an idiot waiting for him while he’s. Hanging out with another girl. I look so so so fucking stupid. She obviously means more to him since he’s known her longer so what did I expect, I’m just another girl. I really don’t know what I was expecting and why was I even expecting anything. I should’ve just stopped trying when I saw those posts a while back, I should’ve took that as a sign. But god I want him so bad and I really thought I could just ignore that but it’s so hard to ignore. I feel like such a lame bitch in comparison, I’m not as pretty and I suck at everything I touch. All I have is my humor maybe but that’s about it. It is okay though, he can choose to hang out with whoever and I can’t force him to want to hang out with me. I am very boring so I can’t really provide much entertainment. I can only curse myself for how I am but that’s just how I am and I can’t really help the interests I’m drawn to. I did my hair and makeup today thinking maybe if I made myself look pretty I’d feel it but right now all I can do is compare myself and see my flaws. She’s much prettier and seems so much more interesting compared to me and I can’t help but just feel sick. Why am I so needy and why am I like this. I’m going to do something to distract myself before I start crying more. It is fine that he’s hanging with another girl really, I just dislike the way she shows him off and seeing them match makes me feel bad. Knowing that’s why he rejected my very embarrassing advances makes me just feel soo … stupid. Stupid for even asking even though I knew he was matching and stupid that I expected him to say yes.!! “Another time” and reading that just made me feel ten times more embarrassed, LIKE WHY WOUKD YOU ASK WHEN YOU KNOW HES MAYHXING WUTH ANOTHWR GIRL!!! Why the hell did I think he would just tell her oh erm we can’t match because blah bla !!! Like stupidSHE MEANS MORE TO HIM and I’m so stupid trying to test that theory with that like I wish I could travel through time and ensure that I never ask to save myself from feeling so stupid and embarrassed. Like why did I really expect that ? He doesn’t like me as much as I like him.

[dadkisser15]

Stupid

I’m awake and it’s like my head is just yelling at me. The thoughts just wont shut up; am I worthy of love ?

I just want to see him right now and spoil him with my love but why does that seem impossible. He’s aware of my infatuation, everyone in my circle is aware of it. But maybe I’m worrying too much about stupid stuff, it isn’t wrong I just want him to ask; I wanna be his girlfriend. Just his, no one else’s and I want him to be mine. Why can’t I just tell him this(?) I don’t want to burden him with my worries and commitment. I struggled with commitment for a while but with him it’s different, everything feels so easy with him. Like he makes me feel so calm and happy; I want to talk to him about this because I genuinely want something with him. But im just so scared to speak about any of this with him, what if I took everything wrong and got the wrong idea ? ?

Oh, I want him so bad; not exclusively in a lustful way. I want to treat him good, make him feel loved and safe. I wanna lay with him and talk to him about what worries him, what scares him and what I can do to make him feel safe and content. Why do I feel emotions so intensely and why am I so scared to express myself. I’ve told him that i loved him before and he’s aware of that I do but I really do, I get shy and I try to act as if it just a normal phrase , something I can just say casually but it isn’t, I don’t think he loves me and thats okay; well it hurts my heart thinking that but I feel like at times when he says it back it’s mostly because of my pressure which makes me feel extremely guilty after. I wanna yell at myself for being stupid, if he wanted to say it he’d just say it. Why are you so STUPID!! I can’t lie to myself though, when he says it my heart feels so full and it just feels right. I want to hear him tell me that he loves me, I want him to love me as much as I love him. I obviously can’t make that happen.

I hate who I am when I’m nervous, I wanna tell him everything and anything thats on my mind but I get so nervous and I overthink EVERYTHING. Sometimes I just want to blurt it out, “KEV, I LOVE YOU.” He knows but it runs through my head and the need to show my affection is never-ending. It makes me emotional every time I think about it but I just want to hold his handsome face and just feel the warmth. If I wasn’t able to kiss him lips seeing his smile would be enough for me. Oh my god his smile I’m actually crying now; hhis smile, his eyes, and the way he laughs just makes me melt. I love the way he smiles at me, I want nothing more than to make him laugh and smile. He’s such a beautiful person to me. I love his reassurance and how sweet he is to me at times. I used to hate looking at myself in the mirror but he makes me feel so good about myself. I love his humor even if he doesn’t think he’s funny he’s always been able to make me laugh even when I’m upset, l can remember at times I had a difficult time stifling my laughter and I cannot reiterate this fact enough but I absolutely love his voice, hearing him call me his princess makes me just feel so fuzzy. The first time he called me baby (as a joke I think ?) I actually almost had a heart attack, his voice was so low yet soft and I got so flustered. I wanted to kiss him so bad and I don’t know why him calling me that just does so much to me. I wanna be his so bad. When I say I want him I really mean it

[dadkisser15]

I can’t sleep because I’m worried that he’s hanging oyut with another girl or something like that but it shouldn’t even matter because he’s not mine and he could have any other girl if he wanted to but the thought fucking kills me and the rage I feeel. is Ridiculous. Why do I feel like I’m in competition constantly and why am I always losing. I have this insatiable urge to make him mine. Oh I want him so bad it hurts genuinely. Why must I yearn and why does he have to have female friends; I don’t have much value in his life compared to this person so why do I care. (Cause I want him!!!) I don’t know if I should just ask him out or wait for him to do so but I’m scared of making myself look stupid and honestly I’d like to be asked out. I spoke to my friend and she said I should just “claim him already” first of all odd choice of words and I’d love to do that but I have not mustered up enough courage to actually do so. I made a joke about it before and the reaction I got out of him made me almost self destruct right there. I wouldn’t say his reaction was negative it was more of like uncertainty. (Still made. Me a tad upset) I’d actually love to really know him and treat him well but I’m genuinely so afraid of rejection that I don’t know how I would approach this since our relationship is. a bit odd already. I do like what we have but I want us to be something official, something serious!! I’d walk four hours if he asked me to, seeing him would be so worth it. I yearn for his touch and scent so badly, his voice makes me feel safe and good and he’s such a beautiful boy. Being held by him would make all of my worries go away, I wanna be affectionate towards him and only him. I wanna tell him this so bad. I just want to let it all out,all these feelings. I wanna express my worries and talk about my thought process and how his words provoke me. I wanna tell him off for doing certain things, you’re mine and you can’t do that ? Obviously nothing insane, just the little things that make me insane. It makes me so incredibly upset that he isn’t mine. MY boyfriend. I just wish I could call him that. Genuinely I’ve never wanted to ERADICATE another woman so bad. Well the other women don’t even matter though (I think) I just dislike the comfort they have with eachother that’s all. Like no you can’t fucking do that as friends, I don’t give a fuck if that hurts your feelings you legal adult. Fuckin legal adult. That makes me even angrier. Does he just not want me? Am I just good enough for certain things and not an actual relationship? If so I’d like some clarity. Can this man just ask me out or horribly reject me so I can shut up. God, can I just have this white boy to myself. Please please please lord pleaseeeessseeeee.

I wanna be his and I want him to be mine so bad, is wanting a simple monogamous relationship with my best friend that bad? Guys, i thought we thrived on monogamy..!!! Remember adultery is bad or whatever that fucking commandment is. I just wanna ask him what we are because what the FUCK ARE WE. Is praying for him going to help? ? I might as well just ask him to be mine, I really want to. He probably just doesn’t want me like relationship wise but I’m going to pray. He isn’t answering me or anything and I’m fucking losing my mind. You know what makes me so fucking angry! Out of all the days we hung out he’s fallen asleep on me but the one day we don’t hang out he’s wide awake? With WHO? Who’s keeping MY baby awake. The thought makes me so fucking angry like WHY ARE YOU KEEPING HIM UP GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP SLUT! He says my voice gets him sleepy but what if that’s not the case and he just doesn’t want to talk to me. ??? GOD WHY IS HE STILL AWAKE. Awake and not messaging me is actually so ANNMGHHJSKJKK

It’s like he only every speaks to me when he doesn’t have anything else to do, I know how he’s like when he’s actually engaged in a conversation and he literally ignored one of my messages earlier (a simple question) that made me feel so shitty but I can’t beg for him to pay attention to me and honestly having to beg for attention is annoying and I don’t wanna do that. Everytime my mind is quiet it is immediately flooded with the idea of another woman in the picture and it just makes me feel actually ill. I just want to be loved and to love. Why is this all so complicated

[dadkisser15]

I hate this

Genuinely I’m going to crash out I don’t think I can do this anymore

I really love this guy so bad I love all his qualities even the ones he deems bad or unattractive but I can’t take this feeling anymore; I hate being jealous, it’s eating me alive. I fucking hate myself for being curious and now I’m just wondering if he calls me pretty out of pity. I’m nothing compared to these girls, I look morbidly obese In comparison and I threw up earlier because I couldn’t stop crying over this. I hate how I look and I hate myself and how I am. We aren’t even dating and I’m losing my mind over him, I tried to speak to a friend about my situation and honestly she just made me feel worse. All she really said was, “oh she ain’t all that” or something along the lines of that like no you’re literally wrong this girl looks like a fucking model, ALL OF THESE GIRLS ARE BEAUTIFUL. I cannot compare to them and knowing that makes me feel sick. I understand that a lot of these relationships are probably platonic and are just friendships or whatever but I can’t fucking help but feel jealous. I cannot express any of this to him because I don’t want him to know I was snooping around but I feel so shitty about myself and it isn’t even his fault. Normally when I speak with him he really makes me feel like I’m the prettiest girl ever and honestly I never thought anyone could make me feel that way about myself. I can’t be mad at the man because he has pretty female friends, I can only be mad at myself really for not working on myself enough. It’s my own fault I’m the way I am and I feel like I can’t trust that he’s just friends with these ladies like yeah I wont lie I have some serious trust issues but I find it mind boggling that he responds to any of my advances when he knows other pretty girls. I honestly don’t know what it is but I’m scared that he’s just playing with my feelings, I’m starting to suspect maybe I’m getting love bombed because he isn’t as affectionate as he was previously but then again I could also just be overthinking that fact because i am insanely insecure and I jump to conclusions often which isn’t very good. I’m really scared to come forward with any of these feelings, it’s not that I don’t trust him or anything it’s just that I’m scared it’ll make him uncomfortable or feel annoyed with me because I can understand how wanting constant reassurance and attention can be annoying and I don’t want him to get annoyed. I’m scared I’ll drive him away from me so I feel like I need to just draw back from him even though I really don’t want to. But what’s the point? A part of me wants to stay optimistic, ignore all of this and continue to go after him; Another part of me wants to draw back but I feel like it wouldn’t even bother him like he probably wouldn’t even care that my behavior was different or if i stopped talking to him as often. If I stay optimistic I will still have this dread inside of me and just because I am active in our relationship does not guarantee his loyalty or anything from him really so it’s just like I’m stuck either way. I honestly want to just express all of this to him because I do believe he’d be willing to speak with me about it but there’s always just that thought in my head, “what if…”. I really don’t want to ruin things between us and I’m afraid I might ruin what we have because of my insecurity.

[dadkisser15]

Fuzzy brain

Im currently trying to read and it’s romance (of course) but all I can think of is his fucking smile and thinking about it just makes my chest feel all fuzzy and warm. It’s distracting in a way but a lot of things remind me of him so maybe there’s just something wrong with my mind; I of course don’t mind thinking about him though, I just can’t bother him right now (he’s sleeping) so that makes me kinda sad!!!!! God I miss his smile, his laugh and his presence; I love his mannerisms and I love how comfortable I feel with him. I can be kinda shy at times but his playful behavior and the way he doesn’t drop a topic immediately makes me want to open up and share. I just needed to get this out of my head real quick so I can read but my heart and head is so full of him. I feel like im going crazy but I don’t want the feeling to stop, it’s a good feeling. I wonder if he ever feels like this, id love to study his mind and figure out his thought process. I feel so ugly right now and its probably cause I just ate, I always feel so guilty when I eat even when i don’t eat much; it’s like my head is stuck in this spot where i feel like I need to insult myself for having normal human needs. Im just scared of gaining weight and being undesirable. I know, so random but the guilt is hitting me right now. Honestly, I really hate the way my mind works. I feel like I don’t have many desirable traits. I overthink and over analyze EVERYTHING, I’m awkward and so bad at conversation. I get embarrassed easily, I don’t know why but I really hate that because sometimes I get embarrassed at the most random things and it just doesn’t make sense to me. Im so bad at regulating my emotions, when I feel something it hits hard. I’ve found ways to cope with that though so it’s okay but I hate being emotional. Someone could say something and not really mean it but oh! would you look at that im fucking sobbing because im so extremely sensitive?!!!! Oh and I get jealous so easily…. I HATEEE feeling jealous. Like if I was attractive maybe some of these bad traits could be okay but im NOT. All of my life I’ve been just some ugly kid and now im just barely mid. I’ve been trying to embrace some of the features I was given but still im like cursed with the FUGLIEST build 😭. Like what the fuck… 😨😨😨😨😨 I just want to be pretty. I want him to find me pretty. Guys I wish I was a baddie 😭 fml fml fml fml fml okay I’ll go read instead of self loathing ☹️. I just want to be loved so bad, I want him and I would literally tear any woman that gets in my way. Im joking!!! Guysssss if you can get him you can have him 🩷 im kidding id fucking crash out and someone would die, like genuinely I’d hunt a bitch down for even trying. You guys think im playing but im fr that man is mine. IM JOKINNGGGGGG!!!!!! 😊 sorry, i sound crazy and fucking weird! Maybe im feeling a bit angry about something but it’s okayy. Icould literally care less like it’s not even a big deal , LIKE. ITS WHATEVERRRRRR. It isn’t whatever, I blocked this bitch but it ain’t enough I need her GONE. BYE!!!! I DONT GIVA DFUVKKKKK !!!!!! Okay I do lol sorry im so mean ☺️ it’s okay.

[dadkisser15]

1am body dysmorphia hitting

[dadkisser15]

He’s not responding so I’m kinda just forced to be productive 😞

[dadkisser15]

Loudest exasperated sigh

Just saw what this girl had posted up on her ig and I’m contemplating ending my shit !!! Is it that serious, no but it makes my heart ache; I feel stupid and now I’m connecting some things. I feel angry but also stupid because it isn’t a big deal, why am I so angry? I’m just jealous that’s what but why do I feel threatened, I was already aware of her yet I still continued to try and win his heart over but now I feel really dumb seeing this. Am I threatened by her presence? Kind of. Does she even want him, I don’t know but it still bugs me. Why is he featured in every single post??? Is that really necessary? Or are they just that close. It’s ridiculous how many times I’ve cried about this, am i seriously jealous over some girl? Well no, I know it isn’t that. I know that isn’t the main reason, i don’t even think i could put it into words really maybe I’ll elaborate later but i feel so frustrated just thinking about it. She clearly means something to him and that also stings, it just makes me want to back down to stop my advances and coward away. I mean isn’t that how any would respond knowing there’s another woman? I can’t just be angry or whatever at him cause he isn’t even my boyfriend plus he swears he doesn’t have any female friends yet this is right in my face! Like oh what’s this … ohhhhhhhhhh I gotta kill my self rn 😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨

I just feel like I’m making a fool of myself being all affectionate towards him. It hurts knowing I’m never anyone’s number one and knowing this wouldn’t be the first time I’m the other woman call me dramatic but stuff like this really bothers me and I’m a very jealous girl. I keep telling myself I need to coward away and I need to calm down and not throw myself all over him but I love him so bad and I just care so much about him that I just want to act that way towards him but with this lingering in the back of my head it’s like yelling at me and telling me I shouldn’t be doing that because he isn’t mine. But I want him and I want him to be mine and I don’t care about no girl, well I do care but is some bitch going to stop me from acting any way towards him, no!! But it’s eating me up; like who is she towards you? Do you joke with her like how you joke with me, do you also call her sweet names ?? I’ll never know and that kills me. I’m just scared 🤣!!! Really scared that I’m getting played again. My ex messaged me the other day apologizing to me about being an awful person and I dont really care for what happened anymore but those feelings came back, being reminded how I was treated like a joke and how I was made fun of just because I loved someone. Honestly, he can apologize all he wants but I don’t think I could ever forgive him for treating me like a joke, why would you say yes to me and make fun of me whilst I showed you the most vulnerable parts of me and my heart. It makes me sick knowing I gave my body to such a cruel person. Wishing death upon me for what??? What did I even do to him; it still confuses me. I’m just so scared I’m doing the same thing again, I don’t think this boy is cruel or mean the opposite really, I think he’s a sweetheart and he seems to really care for me but I’m still so scared of getting used again. I dont know how such a little thing triggered all of this but I’m just very insecure, god I would probably scare him off if I came to him and told him about how I was feeling. I spoke to him about this one girl before like two months ago and if he knew I saw her post he’d most definitely find me creepy. Knowing that I saw what she posted of him like why am I looking around!!! It’s my curiosity and jealousy making me do weird and odd things. It’s like one minute I want to be the only woman in his life and another I’m just like okay she can have you all to herself and I’m stuck between that. Like what the fuck is wrong with my head😨😨😨😨😨😨!! I hate myself I can’t

Even write properly right now, I feel so-jumbled. Like god I love him so much but this girl makes me feel so bad about myself and like i shouldn’t even try. She’s prettier than me too and god that crushes me internally, I’m going to drive myself crazy looking at her pictures. Okay bye guys I’m going to rot in my bed and contemplate ending it for the next hour or so. Try not to kms challenge really hard 😨 #gonewrong #myfinaldays 🤔😁 #nothing is going right #im crazy. #canitrustthisman 😨 #i just want him and only him #is that crazy #im going to end it #why am I deranged

[dadkisser15]

I’m actually going to cry why do I miss him so much right now ☹️

He’s asleep and I don’t really want to sleep yet because I want to speak with him but I’m just doomscrolling on TikTok as one does and I decided that I missed his face and opened up my camera roll and he sent me this picture that his brother took of him sleeping earlier and it’s just so cute. Oh there’s tears in my eyes I really really like this man ,,,,,

He just looks so beautiful, he wouldn’t believe me if I told him that but I really do just adore his features. (If we had kids oh my godddd. I know that’s crazy that I’m even thinking that but I CANNOT HELP MYSELFF!!!) I love his eyes and his long lashes, I love his beautiful brown hair (especially when it’s messy) , his cute scruffy facial hair and his side burnnsssssssss. Oh and his nose, especially in the picture i mentioned earlier ohhhh my gosh it just looks so amazing. He dislikes his nose so much and constantly makes jokes about reducing the size of it and it upset me a lot because I really do believe it’s beautiful. To me it’s like a work of art, when I was doing more character art my favorite thing to draw was noses !! His nose shape was literally my favorite type to draw and I feel like that makes him very special. Like, wow this boy I’m insanely infatuated with is quite literally a work of art. I’m still looking at the picture and I didn’t mention earlier but I love his cute little mustache, everytime I look at it I just wonder how it would feel to his him and feel that brush against my lip, would it even? I’m not sure, I kinda forgot how it feels like to kiss someone but I’d love to relearn with him. That feels a tad inappropriate to say but I really do feel that way. I’m not feeling really sad anymore but I’m also just upset by the fact that I was even missing him even though I spoke to him a couple hours ago. He literally told me before going to bed not to miss him too much and i thought to myself, “that’s silly, it’s just a couple hours and I’ll be fine” and I hate to say it but he was right. I hate how he knows how my brain works, well.. I don’t hate it. It’s just embarrassing how predictable I am, maybe I’m just boring but who reallly knows.!!! Oh and I was so upset because he left me on sent for a little while see actually I’m okay with that but I just didn’t know what he was doing and that was upsetting me and because I didn’t know my brain immediately jumped to overthinking so I kinda just upset myself. I know verrry dumb but that’s just how I am, I’m always just thinking of the what’s if and I made myself feel bad for no reason. Maybe I do need a lobotomy but what if my overthinking was right. What do I do then!!!!! Be the other woman ? FUCK NOOOOOO !!!!!! I’d rather get stabbed in the arm five times in the same spot okay wait that actually sounds deranged but listen I just would not like being a second option or some stupid shit like that and my insecurities are just jumping out at me and making me think I am but guys, wtf do I do actually if I am ??? 😨 KMS??? That’s also crazy and dramatic so no but I pray that this boy is not trying to do me dirty because I think I’d genuinely lose my mind. Can we just eviscerate all his female friends? Like genuinely, just treat them like fish or something idk 😜!! Sorry thatsss meannnnnn. He can have female friends i guessss 😒. I personally believe they shouldn’t be doing no corny shit with my boy though like cutesy nicknames or making them match with him like FUCKKKKNOOOOOOOOOO .!! 😭😭😭 THAT ALONE IS 50 FUCKING BODIES.

50 FUCKING BODIES !!!!

Kidding, I can’t do shit about that except SEETHE and that I will do!! I’m currently seething thinking about it right now. God, liking a boy with female friends is not for the weak because I am the weak and I cannot take this. Maybe it’s all the over thinking but this shit making me feel sick to my stomach.hhhhh. Oh my god can god take me right now because the thoughts that are going through my head right now might make me just pass away rn to just meeet him. Oh I wanna cry! WHATEERVEVEGER I’ll stay jealous, mad and seething like crazy. I just wish I could have him in my arms and just have him as mine. If he gets tired yeah he can leave but for now I’d just like to have him. Like ohh calm down guys you can have him back after like 2 weeks just let me have him for a while!!! I just want to treat him good and make him feel good. Ohhhhh guys don’t start throwing up pitchforks just because I want to keep him busy for a while, yall will get him back don’t worry 😒. Jeeeeezzzzzzus! Okay I thought that bit was funny. I’m not saying he should isolate himself or anything but like guys do we need female friends 🙄🙄🙄. Joking JOKINGG PUT THE PITCHFORKS DOWNN GUYS IT WAS A JOKE!!! Anyways I should conclude this dumb rant because nothing about this will change and I will forever be salty. OH MY GOD salty is the perfect way to describe how I’ve been feeling!! It’s like I’m jealous but I can’t do shit so all I can do is let this feeling linger and be salty because I’m very non confrontational at times and especially when I don’t want to be verbal about my feelings. OHH LINGER BY THE CRANBERRIES

DO YOU HAVE TO LET IT LINGERRRRE DO YOU HAVE. TO LET IT LINGERRRR

[dadkisser15]

Im craving this boy in so many ways

I wanna feel him so bad and just hold him close. My head is aching and I feel like the only thing that could soothe this ache is the sound of his intensely sweet voice, his precious laugh and how I would do almost anything right now to just hear him. It makes me almost emotional how much I miss it, maybe it’s the fact that I’m a little tired and probably going to be menstruating soon but even if those things weren’t in the picture I’d still be feeling this way! I’m probably just being dramatic but god it feels like it’s been ages, like literal fucking decades and I just need him. I don’t wanna bother him or anything with my whining because I feel as if it’s staring to get annoying but sometimes I really cannot help myself, I’m a very expressive person in so many ways and I also don’t like lying so when I do It’s kind of obvious that I am; so I can’t lie to myself and just PUSH this feeling inside of me and just not do anything about it!!!!!!!! Oh, which reminds me I was overthinking so bad earlier while I was just playing some stupid game and well firstly, the overthinking stunted my performance greatly and it just made me really sad. I wont write out what I was thinking of but I’m still kinda worried about it I’m trying really hard to just brush it off because it isn’t like a big deal but I’m a jealous girl and this is eating me up. Like, I can’t really complain to anyone about it because in my opinion the problem is so minuscule that it would make me appear as just CRAZY or just super dramatic which I know I am but I don’t wanna FEED into that ! I wish I didn’t feel this way at all because it doesn’t feel normal, well it’s the norm for me but I know this isn’t a normal thing. Am I suffering from some sort of mental illness? Oh, we will never know. All I know is jealousy isn’t a pretty look yet I wear it constantly, can I help myself? No, I cannot. Sadly, I cannot be nonchalant and just not care about stuff because I care about everything and more. I wonder if he ever feels like this, probably not because I don’t think he HAS things to be jealous of ! (I have like no fucking friends) He’d probably claim that I wouldn’t either but ☹️😭 oh gusy I can’t even ufkcing say it I wanna cry

LIKE DO YOU SEE THIS I DIDNT even write it out or anything but thinking about it is bringing me to tears. WHY AM I SO DRAMATIC 😭!!!! Like what is wrong with me, I wish my brain was like a sponge so I could squish all of this feeling out and just be a clean sponge again because I hate this feeling so much, Ihate jealousy it is literally the worst feeling EVER. In my stupid what if scenario I made up in my head earlier while overthinking I was like, “oh, if this happens I could just pretend like everything is okay and act like how i normally act!” And yeah I can do that but it’ll make things hard for me, when I get upset about something i usually just cannot stop thinking about it so the longer I pretend everything is just fine and dandy the harder it is for me to eat, sleep or just feel like doing stuff that I’m supposed to be doing. I just think about this often, why do people lie about unnecessary things? I don’t understand what’s the point!!! It just annoys me when I’m painfully aware of something but I have to pretend as if I’m ignorant to the truth, it really just upsets me. I feel like I’m going to cry right now because I’m thinking about this stupid thing again OH AND GREAT I AM CRYING!!!!

I feel like all of this worry and anxiety is also just tied down to the fact that I am so incredibly insecure about myself. I constantly tell myself not to compare myself to others and I even give that advice to others but I do it so often, I do it to the point I feel sick of myself and just everything about me. Why can I not follow my own advice and why do I put myself in positions where I can compare myself? I don’t know, it’s not like doing those things will better myself. Maybe motivate but there’s better ways to do that. Envy is not a great way to motivate yourself, it makes me feel sick. Sorry, tumblr for my self deprecating tangent but I’m just writing what comes to mind and I guess that right now I’m just really feeling it, I feel like need to be reassured but who’s going to reassure me ? What do I even need reassurance for?!! That I don’t even know either but I crave comfort and reassurance and it makes me sad knowing I don’t know who to rely on for things like that. I think I’m a bad person for feeling this way, for feeling envious of some girl who could literally care less. It probably means nothing yet I am so jealous and I’m overthinking about it. It makes me mad that I’m so worried over some random when they’re literally happily living their life like what the fuck is wrong with me. Genuinely.!! I want to just extract this from my mind and forget about it and I wish I wasn’t so curious at times because I’d be better off just being oblivious.

Guys I’m probably going to cry myself to sleep over some dumb shit again so I’m done writing 😜

[dadkisser15]

I cried a lot today for a lot of different reasons

Happy crying and sad crying but right now I am sad crying over something stupid!! I saw something and it just connected something in my head and it’s kinda upsetting me because now I feel dumb like really fucking dumb ☹️