daeva

[daeva]

I scheduled time to cry today and I can't even make myself do it

[daeva]

I might be done with Tumblr permanently. I hate it here. And all the memories on this blog make me sick. I'm pretty much exclusively on bearblog now but good luck finding me.

[daeva]

tired of winter. wanna something tender and spring-like

[daeva]

Someone pissed me off on Twitter today about something and it speaks volumes to me that people see individuals with DID/OSDD as completely helpless and unable to make connections with their alters/parts/themselves on their own and that a person's environment doesn't fully inform the way parts form or front. It annoys me when people invalidate my experience of living in a safe environment where I felt more in-tune with my other parts and we could largely control who was fronting and we could do so safely without being afraid of being hurt again or splitting.

I don't like it. I don't want to feel obligated to perform a certain level of "suffering" for people. I haven't been in therapy for years because I don't feel very safe to do it, but I still use the same skills I learned there and from support groups online to connect to my parts and communicate with them even now.

[daeva]

[daeva]

the lace has bears and bunnies on it.. its so cute..

[daeva]

[daeva]

I feel like a broken toy lately

[daeva]

i hope you all realize that literally nobody is going around forcefemming cis men in real life, right? like that is Not A Thing that is happening. everyone who posts forcefem jokes on tumblr is well aware that doing that would be. you know. a crime. it's barely even legal to consentfem trans women in a lot of places.

[daeva]

I am getting a good grade in clinically significant psychological distress.

[daeva]

Accidentally slipped into front and I just feel very hollow. Trying out a blogging thing off of Tumblr because I immediately made myself upset upon opening this site.

[daeva]

Winter Forest by Heorhiy Tolpekin, 1960s

[daeva]

[daeva]

I don't know what I'm looking for anymore.

[daeva]

were you perpetually and exclusively praised for what you could one day become, instead of what you were, leading you to a lifetime of feeling like you were not only never good enough, but that the best thing about you was a future that would never come, that constantly felt like it was slipping away? Did you become so afraid of closing doors, of losing that one good thing, that potential, that you stagnated at the crossroads until your life began to rot around you and the asphalt ground to gravel and the roads grew ever rougher, the doors closing one by one even as you tried in vain to keep them open, instead of choosing a path and committing to a direction for your own progress? Did you watch the best thing about you, the one thing you were praised for, slowly collapse in your arms as you tried desperately and hopelessly to save it, finding yourself kneeling in the ruins of your unexplored promise, looking for a way out, and wondering if there was no where else to go? no way forward? When someone tells you they're proud of you, that they love you for who you are, that what you are is good enough, do you cry? do you struggle to believe them? do you have to try your damnedest just to make yourself hear the words? Do you wonder if, one day, you'll learn to be happy with who you are?

[daeva]

I'm thinking of starting a blog off of Tumblr but I'm not sure which platform to choose. I think I just don't really want to be dumping my feelings on Tumblr anymore, and microblogging doesn't work for me. I've been going through a really weird emotional cycle and I don't want to see anyone, but I don't want to get rid of the chance of people seeing my posts.

Right now I'm considering smol.pub but I'd need to justify using it to myself before I buy a key.

[daeva]

making a character playlist for your own enjoyment will have you putting in songs that not even a top of their class analyst could explain