dahsyi

[dahsyi]

15 Feb 2025

Lol how funny how life brings us. After rejecting Nestron I was then offered a contract role at INKA which was also in Lalaport, worked for about 3 months. Shittiest job and company but fancy corporate living.

And here i am now in Jalan Klang Lama, on my 4th job as a senior designer, confirmed after 1.5 months. Being here banyak ajar i to be bersyukur.

Monday, May 20, 2024 | Home (Bayu Puteri)

9:05 PM

Today i had an interview with Nestr0n Tech! Super fancy building. It was my first time attending/entering a building so cool liddat. I still have assessment to do so we'll see if ada rezeki ke tak.

The journey was from Cheras > took an mrt to maluri > lrt to pudu. Got delayed on short notice so i waited at this cafe called Spillstone Cafe. Their hot mocha was suuuuper nice - I'll bring Nani there one day. She wouldve enjoyed the interior.

Still taktau how will i be going there if i ever got accepted. Driving there would cost me fuel and parking- definitely mrt would be cheaper option. Tapi i jenis merayap so idk if i wanna tolerate my flexibility ke tak hahahaahah

Lets still hope for June to submit the letter!

Also. Commemorating the moment syida cooks stuff and get good reviews

10pm ill do the nestron stuff. Ooh and Shasha's invoice shit i lupa

[dahsyi]

I came from a family that wont express compliments and any good things that you do. To put some dazzle on that- a split parents who arent on good terms. With these baggages- I walked thru the waves of life carrying guilt, shame, insecurity, soemtimes drowned when all of these weighed me too much. Some days i float- some days i sink to the bottom

[dahsyi]

Its so hard having adhd.

Im always at the back of the line, standing behind these people who claimed they, too, have adhd

While holding speed and completion on both hands

Work is never easy

Because all i do is not just chasing perfection

But also chasing speed and expectations and time

I feel like i cant survive work

I feel so incapable

I feel like im helpless

[dahsyi]

I reached out to you again.

Has it never been difficult for you- our breakup?

Has it been that easy for you to love someone else?

---

Ive had my before yous- ican do my after yous.

[dahsyi]

I wanna learn to write songs

[dahsyi]

Out of all people you really shouldnt use that on me.

[dahsyi]

Saturday, May 26 | Tmn Rasah

12:00AM

Manipulative fucks.

This whole day (actually, week) was just me thinking to myself- how people are just using me. And im fully aware of that- but i am letting them bcs i feel like thats the only way i can contribute to them.

Why?

Because of this deep, rooted, feeling of guilt ive carried my whole life. Was it my fault that i have to carry the guilt? Was it my fault that i grow up? Was it my fault that i have a life? Even something different than what my family used to take?

Was it my fault my aunt stuck at home having to take care of my nenek and mom, unmarried? Was it my fault my parents separated? Was it my fault my dad now lives 2-3 hours away from me- and i cant cater to him? Was it my fault that im losing my friends as year goes by bcs i am just not responsive bcs i was too busy- working my ass off for a company that doesnt even pay me well? Was it my fault that im just a stop for everyone before they eventually find someone they gonna spend their lifetime with? Was it my fault i decided to pause my life until everyones dead then ill rrsume even if it takes 20years away of my life?

I tried so hard to balik every week. Even if it means i dint get my chill time, aimless time rotting in bed. Next week- just bcs i tak balik sebab i nak go genting then she has this audacity to say/ nanti kau tak balik aku mati. Bila aku taklarat nak habiskan makanan- you use that same shit kecik hati nenek kau tak habiskan.

Why everything falls under me?

Matikan je lah aku sial aku penat

[dahsyi]

Do you know that i still miss you

I still keep your ring with my car keys

- bcs back then you said i can keep it so you'd come back

But now its just the memory of you that lingers

And the way you stare into my eyes

Or the softness of your lips kissing me

Or the way your laugh sounds

Or your red bag that you borrowed me

Or the shoes we bought together- now left unused but I couldn't just get rid of it

I wish you dont give me all of your pictures and your cards

Even your international license

Without these physical elements, perhaps forgetting you was easier

I deleted everything. I deleted digital traces of your face so i could forget how you look, feel, sound

How long has it been K?

2 years?

[dahsyi]

Monday, May 20, 2024 | Home (Bayu Puteri)

9:05 PM

Today i had an interview with Nestr0n Tech! Super fancy building. It was my first time attending/entering a building so cool liddat. I still have assessment to do so we'll see if ada rezeki ke tak.

The journey was from Cheras > took an mrt to maluri > lrt to pudu. Got delayed on short notice so i waited at this cafe called Spillstone Cafe. Their hot mocha was suuuuper nice - I'll bring Nani there one day. She wouldve enjoyed the interior.

Still taktau how will i be going there if i ever got accepted. Driving there would cost me fuel and parking- definitely mrt would be cheaper option. Tapi i jenis merayap so idk if i wanna tolerate my flexibility ke tak hahahaahah

Lets still hope for June to submit the letter!

Also. Commemorating the moment syida cooks stuff and get good reviews

10pm ill do the nestron stuff. Ooh and Shasha's invoice shit i lupa

[dahsyi]

Everyday i cry over mother posts on tiktok

[dahsyi]

Heeeeeeey girlies youre almost 27 now its 2024 and youre still very fucking depressed and now its so clear that yalls have BPD!!!!! Omg love yalls 🤍🤍🤍🤍🫶🏻

Hey kiddo. It's your adult self here.

I'm sorry I crushed your dreams as the years we grow up.

I screwed up a lot of things, I don't do any amazing things like you did back then anymore.

Latest update: I didn't attend my French paper, out of carelessness. I guess carelessness has always been a part of us since before ay? I thought I've outgrown them hahaha.

If back then all you've been insecured of was your carelessness and....idk I don't think you had much to worry for back then. Just maybe the thought of wanting to prove to your parents you can hold your shit together.

Then believe me honey, till now (I'm 23 this year oh wow), there are some shit that you can't just simply get ahold of.

But wait, hey, at least by now you've experienced your first part time job, handling a bookstore ALONE most of the time, you paid rents and bills, you helped a lot for house errands, you DID end up taking a degree in Interior Design.

Oh you survived Terengganu and Penang being so far away from our family.

Life's been tough kid. I've been mediocre at everything, and I've been comparing myself to a lot of ppl lately. I'm legit an average. Sometimes I don't understand how did people see potential in me....maybe it was a spark then but the flames extinguished.

I'm sorry that I've been hating ourself a lot lately. First during A-Levels now this... I wanna be good at things like you again.

Is it because of how I cut myself off from my family? Or the way I act as disobedient child of God? Or how I dwell my past restrictions onto these 'habits' sometimes?

Honestly idk anymore kid. Self-critism gets me at its worst (or best, perhaps).

[dahsyi]

Also i was reading again my previous posts from here and tumblingtempoyak. Shes saaaaur hopeless romantic when it comes to laaaaaauve

[dahsyi]

May 19, 2024 | Home (S'ban)

A

Hello!

Earlier this year i told myself well maybe i should get into journaling.

And getting in a band. Still trying but at least ive had some jamming sesh

And complete a canvas painting. Nope still havent even bought a canvas

So it's May now. I still have some few good months so i should be fine. Also i think I'm being manic today bcs hello? Writing while im not feeling crazy? That's something.

I've always felt like writing something publicly when im manic but bcs of me shutting down on everyone- i kinda have the shame of suddenly reappearing and do shit like i dont owe people anything. Embarassing.

Anyway quick updates! I'm on my short hair era now. I do feel good in them- i might wanna keep them but i do miss my long hair tho. We'll see how it goes.

So. Some May dumps:

Here's me last Friday - enjoying Thai food with Diy and Jac,

Kinda look cute here

This was me otw to work and i was just- uwu im a KL girlie and shit.

Apsal tumblr annoying sangat eh nak blog here. Malas dah lah. Majuk

[dahsyi]

I guess i like distance bcs I don't have to feel like I'm not good in taking care of other ppl. i feel if there's no one else who cares abt me then it's alright bcs it's all under my own care and choice.

But what if someone rlly cares abt me, and idk how to return that to them?

My birthday's coming real soom and I'm scared to death for it. I don't want anything---

18/6/2021

Birthdays are depressing shit

When you expect

No matter you expect less or more

The thought of it being a special day contributes it more

I'm forcing myself to be happy but the truth is...idk?

I'm finding where's the happiness or that sincere laugh

[dahsyi]

Mama's busy with her work life too before. Are you gonna be her, and leaving me to be independent too?

It feels tiring being dependable.

Sometimes, i want to be loved affectionately too, if not by her than someone else

But i guess it's me again

Edit: it's not ANYONE else's responsible for your trauma, syida. Never in a million years

Yes bcs life's unfair, but so does to everyone else.

[dahsyi]

I grieved for that lonely feeling that visits again

It's not the social kind of lonely

It's the kind that you know,

Despite anything in the world, no one will ever truly know your true feelings.

How you really feel at the moment, how really laugh or how you really sad. Or how you bawled your eyes out

Or how you have to imagine your own self hugging you, affirming you that we, have each other

You'll always have me, like I have you. Like how we always do, then and now

And you know, she's never gonna leave you. Because we are one, together

And bcs, no matter how nice the people in your surrounding are,

You know you'll never let out your feelings,

Well an exception for certain things:

When they hear you laugh by yourself watching sitcom or tiktok

Or when that anger that's located on the outermost layer of your feelings

Or that silent tears watching sad scenes (again)(if you're watching it by yourself)

Idk. I feel like I've never been true abt what i exactly feel.

I searched one day on the artists that share your big 3 signs (astro nerd i know), i just feel like maybe the way we manage our feelings are somehow...same.

And i got Nick Drake. I wasn't familiar w him, not really.. my exposure on music has just started for like, 5-6 years aside from mainstream hahaha. I read articles about him, now deceased, how he's been on antidepressants and the lonely feeling he had.

[dahsyi]

Hello. It's 2020. I've retake French, and can you believe we got an A? From failing exam and not attending classes, to online classes/coursework and A?

2020's not easy tho. My grades for the semester were good tho, I got 3.50 but my mental health was TORTURED. Nearly got myself help but screwed by gov's med team.

But hey. Internship was cool. We got opportunities, we had a TS (i think lol) commissioned us a design for his rich gate's aluminium panel. We got to produce graphics for Kedai's IG (and that was big to me).

We're gonna do big kid. We're going to.

Hey kiddo. It's your adult self here.

I'm sorry I crushed your dreams as the years we grow up.

I screwed up a lot of things, I don't do any amazing things like you did back then anymore.

Latest update: I didn't attend my French paper, out of carelessness. I guess carelessness has always been a part of us since before ay? I thought I've outgrown them hahaha.

If back then all you've been insecured of was your carelessness and....idk I don't think you had much to worry for back then. Just maybe the thought of wanting to prove to your parents you can hold your shit together.

Then believe me honey, till now (I'm 23 this year oh wow), there are some shit that you can't just simply get ahold of.

But wait, hey, at least by now you've experienced your first part time job, handling a bookstore ALONE most of the time, you paid rents and bills, you helped a lot for house errands, you DID end up taking a degree in Interior Design.

Oh you survived Terengganu and Penang being so far away from our family.

Life's been tough kid. I've been mediocre at everything, and I've been comparing myself to a lot of ppl lately. I'm legit an average. Sometimes I don't understand how did people see potential in me....maybe it was a spark then but the flames extinguished.

I'm sorry that I've been hating ourself a lot lately. First during A-Levels now this... I wanna be good at things like you again.

Is it because of how I cut myself off from my family? Or the way I act as disobedient child of God? Or how I dwell my past restrictions onto these 'habits' sometimes?

Honestly idk anymore kid. Self-critism gets me at its worst (or best, perhaps).