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The Daily Waffle: An Exercise in Futility and Satire That Knows It

By Hamish Burger

In a precedented move that has left nobody impressed or amused, The Daily Waffle, a newly minted satirical news outlet, has launched its inaugural article: a self-interview with its founder, Hamish Burger, who somehow manages to ask and answer his own questions. The topic? The inherent meaninglessness of meta commentary and satire, a theme so recursively self-referential that readers may need a moment to remember whether they’re actually reading news or a parody of a parody.

Hamish Burger Sits Down with Hamish Burger: An Interview with Myself

Hamish Burger, the visionary behind The Daily Waffle, decided that for their first piece, they would delve deep into the existential void that is meta commentary in satire. “It seemed only fitting,” Burger states, interviewing himself in a dimly lit room that may or may not exist. “After all, what's more satirical than a satire site acknowledging its own futility right out of the gate?”

Q: Why start The Daily Waffle?

A (Burger): Well, Hamish, I thought the world needed another voice that says, ‘Hey, we’re all just shouting into the void, but at least we’re doing it with a smirk.’ There’s something beautifully pointless in creating yet another platform for satire, especially one that critiques the very act of critiquing through satire. It's like a snake eating its own tail, but the snake is also made of satire.

Q: Isn’t that a bit...redundant?

A (Burger): Absolutely, and that’s the beauty of it. We’re here to add another layer of irony to the already overcrowded party of cynicism. If satire is meant to mirror society, we’re the mirror reflecting a mirror, reflecting yet another mirror. Eventually, you forget what was being reflected in the first place, and it all just becomes a blur of self-aware commentary that leads nowhere.

Q: Do you worry people might miss the point?

A (Burger): Which point? The point that there might not be a point? Not at all. If anything, I hope it sparks a moment of reflection, a brief pause where they consider whether they’re laughing at the satire, the meta commentary on satire, or just the absurdity of it all. If they’re confused, I’ve done my job.

Q: Is The Daily Waffle always going to satire satire?

A (Burger): Heavens, no! While we revel in the absurdity of meta-commentary, we’re not bound by it. To continually satirize satire would be like... perpetually reheating a waffle until it’s inedible. No, we aim to cast our satirical net wide, ensnaring the various absurdities of life, society, and yes, even ourselves. Satirizing satire is just the starting point; reality, with its inherent grimness, provides ample material. After all, if satire is a distorted mirror to reality, we’re here to make sure that mirror is funhouse-quality.

Q: So, why call it The Daily Waffle?

A (Burger): Ah, the name! In a world obsessed with decisiveness and clarity, we embrace the art of waffling. Not just as a delicious breakfast option, but as a philosophy. Each day brings new uncertainties, new indecisions, and yes, new topics to waffle on about. Our name reflects our commitment to exploring the multifaceted, often contradictory nature of life. Plus, it’s catchy and slightly makes you hungry, doesn’t it?

Q: What’s next for The Daily Waffle?

A (Burger): More of the same, really. We plan to continue diving deeper into the rabbit hole of self-referential humor, until we either reach some form of enlightenment or confuse ourselves so much that we forget we’re a satire site and start reporting real news by accident. It’s a fine line.

Q: Hamish, is Hamish Burger a real person?

A (Burger): The question hits me like a truck. Am I real? If I weren't, how could I be here, asking myself this? If I'm not real, then who's writing these words? The panic sets in. The walls of the dimly lit room seem to close in on me, the existential dread thick in the air. Of course, I'm real. I must be. The very act of questioning my existence is proof of it, isn't it? Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." Well, I write satirical articles, therefore I am...?

Q: Have you ever eaten a burger?

A (Burger): This was a very rude question and I find it to be in incredibly poor taste. I am terminating this interview.

In Conclusion: The Waffle Goes On

And just like that, The Daily Waffle's inaugural self-interview ends not with a whimper, but with a bang. Hamish Burger's abrupt departure leaves us pondering the ethics of self-cannibalistic humor and the boundaries of taste in satire. As for The Daily Waffle, it promises to continue serving up its unique blend of satire, self-reflection, and existential musings, one day at a time.

Whether or not Hamish Burger has ever consumed a burger remains a mystery. But what's clear is that The Daily Waffle is here to challenge, amuse, and perplex its readers, one existential crisis (and waffle) at a time.