dailydoseofme5

[dailydoseofme5]

Angels.

Its still May 16th, 2020. 

I’m gonna do another post because so much has been going on. 

But, so far, I’m not ganna lie....2020 has done me dirty lol

I came home, realized I was going to finally chase my dreams of being a flight attendant, flew out to LA and paid 4K to get certified, then a global pandemic happened essentially killing those dreams, then Papa died and on the same day that we had to put him in the ground I got a call from my bosses boss telling me I was being laid off. That I was losing my job and I could either take a severance package or get demoted to another position that I hated. I was still dealing with a lot of pain from my family issues (see post below). And for maybe the first time (not the first, but it really came to a head) I got really really sad about being single. All of a sudden, I’m 25 and every single one of my close friends were either engaged or married. Everyones life is progressing forward and I’m just here at a standstill. Still having never been pursued, never dated, never been in a relationship, still a virgin, and no one on the horizons. I suddenly started feeling like something was wrong with me. And there was a lot of times when I would go to dinner with my friends and they would be talking about their relationships, engagements, marriage, and I started feeling really isolated and alone. And at the same time, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone I was feeling this way because I never wanted my friends to think that I wasn't genuinely happy for them. BECAUSE I AM. I really am. But, you can be happy for someone else and also sad for yourself at the same time. And its happened multiple times where we will go to dinner and then the second I get in the car, I’ll just bust out crying and cry all the way home. It sounds really pathetic in print lol But those emotions are real and debilitating. 

Anyways, I’m getting off track. 

10 months ago when we went to Lake Tahoe I listened to a podcast and the guest on the podcast was an Angel Messenger who can somewhat communicate with angels. I had requested a session on her website and 10 months later (aka now) it was finally my turn. 

We got on a FaceTime and she said she was sorry it took so long but that usually means that its all in divine timing and now must be when I am meant to be hear this message. 

We prayed together and she said that I have 4 guardian angels which means that my life purpose is to help people. Everyone has at least 2 but people who have 4 are kind of rare-kind of. 

We went over so many different things and techniques to use. She told me to start meditating because praying= asking. mediating=receiving/listening. 

In the very beginning she asked me if I was empathetic. I said yes, that I definitely was. She said that Gabriel (the angel of communication) was saying that I needed to learn how to cut chords. Because I carry peoples pain around with me that I am not meant to carry. It doesn't mean to cut people out of you life, but just pray and ask the angels to take that emotion away and say that I refuse to carry this anymore, please lift it off of me. She explained that the reason you have to ASK the angels for things you want is because we all have free will. And they can't intervene unless we ask. So, you just have to say “This is what I want and I give you full permission to help me bring this to fruition” This was all SO spot on because I do carry other people pain. My parents marriage is a huge example of that. (See other post about all that drama)

Then she asked to talk about work because she was sensing I was unhappy. I told her what I did but that I was open to other things and was actively applying. We decided to hire a team of angels to help me with this. So we drew 6 angels to help me navigate through these waters. She told me that when you hire a team of angels to be ready because things HAPPEN. 

She told me the angels (ARC angels too) had been trying to communicate with me through numbers. She explained to look for sequence numbers, 222, 555, 888, they all mean different things that you can look up. She asked me if I had seen 11:11 yet. I told her I hadn't seen it in a long time and she said if I ever see that, it means new opportunities, new beginnings. That a door is about to open.

At the end, she asked me if there was anything questions I had and I asked her if there was a way to know what your purpose is in life. She said lets draw from the life purpose deck. When she did, she drew the card COUNSELOR. (This was crazy because I had talked to my parents about it a week earlier and said that I would love to do that and was asking about schooling and stuff. But, I never thought I could really be a therapist because I have so many of my own issues and I thought it would be draining for me because I am very empathic.) and then she said they were telling her to read the back of the card which she never normally does. And, it basically read that you shouldn't be worried about your own issues, that if you are just listening to people and helping them the best you can then you are serving your purpose. She also talked about guilt and  to not feel guilty about possibly having to go back to school. She said not to worry about anyone elses feeling about it. To just do what I FELT WAS RIGHT. 

Later that week, I was supposed to be interviewing for a job at Kraft Heinz later that week. The job was for New Orleans. 

Later that night I was googling LSUs curriculum for Psychology degree. And because I was interviewing for that job in Nola I was thinking, “Man I don't know how I would make that distance work but I guess I could...”

And then I was about to go to sleep and I picked up my phone and it said 11:11PM !!!!!!!!!!!!! Which I thought was weird. So I was like OK new beginnings. I wonder if that is referring to the counseling or the Kraft job???

Anyways, the next morning I was going through my emails from the Kraft Job and I opened up the interview schedule and it said Baton Rouge.........I was confused so I emailed the recruiter and she said they had changed it to Baton Rouge because that's where majority of the stores were. 

WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All that can’t be a coincidence, right?!??!? Maybe they are really woking for me and everything is kind of aligning and leading me to the path I am meant for. 

A lot of people don't believe that people can communicate with spirits like that and maybe it all is hocus pocus. Or maybe it's not???? 

We may never really know but I DO KNOW that it was an answered prayer for me. And it felt like everything I had been thinking in my head was being validated in the session. Soooo many things.....

And now I feel so much peace about going on that path. It’s like I feel like that's what I was put on this earth to do. That this is my purpose. I finally just feel peace. 

But, sometimes people can destroy our peace. And I was talking about it with Jacey and she was a skeptic and basically said she didnt believe in that. I started to feel a little discouraged. and was like well maybe it isn't real and maybe I won't even get this job and then I was looking at the TV and I saw 5:55-which means change!! And I kind of think it was them giving me another sign of like HEY you were not mistaken! We are here and you are about to experience change!!

[dailydoseofme5]

Childhood Scars

It’s May 16th, 2020. 

I moved home by being transferring with my job. A job that I didn't even originally seek out. So I moved home and starting experiencing so much pain and really reached the pit of my sadness. I was really depressed and realized that there was a log of emotions that I had been repressing and running away from for so long. But, you can't run away from your problems. They will always catch back up to you. But, I am STILL, a decade later, dealing with pain from my parents marriage. And how my dad cheated on my for YEARS and is really just a lying scam artist. I think my dad tries to be good person and I believe he is good at heart, but I think his childhood scars have never healed and he still carries them with him. I still really struggle with separating my dad as a DAD. And my dad as a HUSBAND. They are very different. And I felt angry that I have him as an example for how you should treat a wife. He is just not a considerate person. There have many more holidays than I can count that he has just given that absolute minimum effort possible towards my mom. And I’m just very sensitive to the emotions around me and can feel the pain and disappointment from my mom. She’ll cry. And then I’ll go off and cry just because it makes me sad. At the end of the day, I just don't trust my dad (and no one in our family really does.) Because he’s just a liar. I don't believe half the things he tells me. I could never ever ever be married to someone like that. But, even though I think my dad sucks, at the end of the day, he is still my dad and I’ll always have that tie to him. And I'll always love him. It’s just exhausting dealing with these emotions for over a DECADE of my life now. And I just wish I could have an honest conversation with my dad about how I feel but I know that it wouldn't do anything. He would sit there with the same stupid smug look on his face grinning and laughing at me and my emotions. And that's really just a defense mechanism. But I get so angry sometimes because he just never ever validates my feelings and he's done SO MUCH DAMAGE. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. Ugh, I’m getting angry even writing this. I just need to pray about it and forgive him even though he’s never said sorry. It’s one of the hardest things....to forgive someone who never said sorry. 

And for a long time I felt angry at mom for some reason. I think I took it out on her more than I should have. I got so tired of being in the middle of it and always hearing comments from them about each other. And sometimes I wish she would have just been stronger and left a long time ago when everything came to a head. Sometimes I wonder if it would have saved all of us a lot of pain. She never got over what happened and to this day she doesn't trust him. We had a very emotional conversation on Mothers day (a week ago) and I became very triggered because she said that the reason Aunt Holly is so bitter in her spirit is because she never forgave her dad, Bob, for what he did when she was younger. And that she has always been bitter but used to hide is when she was younger and as she got older she stopped hiding it. And I was just thinking in my head, “I don't want that to be me. And it very well could be.” And then she said that she settled when she married him and she regrets it all the time. I’ve always known that but it might have been the first time she ever actually said those words to me. We cried and cried and cried together about it. It was a healing conversation but that was also extremely painful to hear when they are still married!!! And I have just been very resentful for many years because I just hate that I feel like they messed me up in my head. The fact that they have so much distrust, bitterness, and no communication but yet are still married has really messed with my mind. Because it makes me think, okay is that normal??? Maybe every marriage is like this after 30 years? Obviously through the years everyone has issues in their relationship so maybe this is normal? Or maybe they should have gotten divorced a long time ago. I don't know. I still don't know. But, I know that I can’t carry these burdens anymore. They are not mine to carry anymore and I need to learn to let that go. But, that's easier said than done. I’m still working on it and should really go to therapy about it. 

[dailydoseofme5]

2020 Goals

I am ashamed to admit that it is really hard for me to write down goals for 2020. Mostly because I am a little cynical these days and none of my goals ever seem to be achieved. They are forgotten by March. But, I still want to be intentional and attempt to get back to who I used to be. Someone who was excited, motivated, inspired, curious, and a dreamer. 

Goals:

Spend significantly less time on social media and stop comparing your life to others around you

Go on a date. Fall in love?? Just be more OPEN to love and connections with those around you

Read more books

Lose 50+ lbs. I say this every year but I swear I have to do it this year. 

Be more active

Make another step in my career. Try something new!

Grow closer to God. Spend time with them DAILY. 

[dailydoseofme5]

Signs from God

I am ashamed to admit that sometime in 2018, I started to doubt Gods faithfulness. I am not proud of this but it is something I felt. I felt angry at him for leading me to Denver and then being felt like I was hung out to dry. Why would you bring to a place where I was so so low. So alone. So scared. So lost. Etc. 

I basically got over it and know that God has a plan and he is a good God. So, I wanted to start documenting when I get signs from God so that maybe I can look back later and see how they all played out. 

SO. I think I got one today. (Thank you Lord)

I have been having a hard time lately with being single. which is weird because I have NEVER been like that in my life. I have never been in a relationship, had sex, or even really had a real thing with a guy. And even though that is true, I’ve never really gotten too down about it. I never thought about it too much to be honest. I was always just kind of doing my thing. But, when I turned 24 I realized that I was READY to date someone. When I turned 25, I realized that I was having a strong desire to find someone and was really struggling with being single. It was like all of a sudden, every. single. person. was engaged or married. Or had a boyfriend. This is all a part of getting older and I am so happy for everyone, but being single in the midst of that can be extremely isolating. And then you basically start spiraling into thinking that there must not be anyone who could love someone like me, I’m gonna end up all alone, how could someone ever love me? How could someone NOT love me? I must be unloveable lol . It is not a fun place to be if you have ever spiraled. Its a devils playground. 

Anyways, today I was listening to worship music when I was driving and said a prayer. A prayer which included me saying “I feel so stupid for praying about this but I really pray that you have a partner for me and that this is all a part of your plan for my life” and then I went on through my day with a little bit of my pride hurt that I was praying for a boy to come love me basically. I’m pathetic, I know. 

For some reason, I was just NOT okay emotionally as the day went on. I was crying for no reason, listening to sad songs, and basically just kind of having a pity party for some reason. On my way home, I cried really really hard and entered my first REAL downward spiral about this subject that I mentioned in the beginning. And crept up to my room with puffy eyes feeling defeated and that I must be unloveable. A few hours later, I was scrolling through my phone and saw a sponsored post about “Have Faith God will send you the right person at the right time”. I usually kind of roll my eyes at articles like this but this one helped me through a bad day. And, I am gonna choose to believe that God was sending me a sign. Like a little pat on the shoulder saying “It’s okay Hanna. Be patient.”

I will trust God that this is the truth. I will trust God that this is the truth. I will trust God that this is the truth. I will trust God that this is the truth. I will trust God that this is the truth. I will trust God that this is the truth. I will trust God that this is the truth. I will trust God that this is the truth. I will trust God that this is the truth.  

Here is the article for reference:

https://herway.net/love/have-faith-that-god-will-send-you-the-right-person-at-the-right-time/

Anyways, Thank you God for being faithful. 

[dailydoseofme5]

Seasons of Life

Taylor Swift once said that her albums represent seasons of her life. 

I feel like that with places I’ve lived. Each city I’ve lived in has a little piece of my heart because they each represent a different time in my life and a different Hanna. 

Mandeville, Louisiana: (Ages 0-18)

Mandeville was my first home. Its where I was born. My childhood. My adolesence. Its where I tasted the best food on the Earth. It’s where we went to Six Flags every weekend. Its where we spent more weekends than I can count on the river. It’s where my family is. Its the place that shaped me to who I am. I have so many wonderful memories there but also a lot of bad ones. It is somewhere that I can always go back to and feel safe. 

But, Its also a place that I needed to leave. Somewhere that I outgrew. 

Lafayette, Louisiana: (Ages 18-22)

Lafayette is where I spent 4 years for college at The University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Its where I experienced freedom. It’s where I found a group of friends. It’s where I went from being a teenager to a young adult. It’s where I came to the realization that some people are forever friends and some are only in your life for a season-and thats okay. It’s where I got my first taste of a real, adult job. It’s also where I realized that I wanted something more. 

Atlanta, Georgia: (Ages 22-23)

Atlanta is where I flew from out of the nest. It’s where I was forced to become an adult whether I was ready or not. It’s where I began a career I knew nothing about in a place where I had zero friends. It was a very emotional experience. Me and my parents cried hard and said goodbyes and then all of a sudden I was FOR REAL on my own. No one to help me. No one to comfort me. No one helping me financially. Honestly, I was scared out of my mind. But, I knew that you had to push yourself out of your comfort zone to be able to grow. and LEMME TELL YA, moving like that was the hardest, best, and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Atlanta brought me SO many experiences that I never would have had otherwise. 

Denver, Colorado: ( Ages 23-)

To me, Denver is where I went from pretending to be an adult to realizing that I actually am an adult. Its where I spent my mid twenties. To be honest, I struggled a lot my first year in Denver-and felt very alone at times. But, it’s also where I learned just because you are lonely doesn't mean you are alone. It’s where I did a lot of professional development. I grew and excelled in my career. I experienced being single in the city. I adventured by hiking, taking vacations, and skiing by myself. Denver is the most beautiful place I have ever lived and its the place that made me look around often and say to myself “I think I might stay here forever because this is the ultimate.”

[dailydoseofme5]

It blows my mind how we just NEVER know what people are truly going through. And it BOTHERS ME when people dismiss my feelings. Like my mom. I feel like my family, but especially my mom has always made light of my pain. I have made comments about being suicial and she just brushes them off and never mentions it again. THAT IS A CRY FOR HELP. Does she not care? Does she think I’m being dramatic? Lesson learned: never make light of someones pain. Nobody would ever really know that I’m as unhappy as I am. And how depressed I am. Which makes me think, how many people in my life are also in pain like this? Or worse? Such a reminder to always be kind to everyone because you never know how much it means to someone. 

I suffer from something called suicide idealization. Which means I want to commit suicide. I think about it all the time but I would never actually do it. But I want to because I just don't see the point of living. Living is a HASSLE more than anything. Sure, there are beautiful parts but mostly its just mundane. I just fully believe that God is real and Heaven is real. And I would rather just go home and be at peace. Does committing suicide mean you go to hell? I don't believe that God would send me to hell just because I was in so much pain here on earth that I wanted it to end and go be with him, my creator. 

I just know that I will end up alone. I know everyone feels like that but no everyone is like me. I don't know anyone that is 23 and has never been in a romantic relationship. That must mean something is wrong with me. I feel like before I die, I will just save up money and travel the world by myself and then kill myself. 

To: my family

I am so terribly sorry to cause you this pain and make this part of your story. But, I just couldn't do it anymore. 

I’m going home. 

I love you and I know we will be together again soon. 

Until then, live a fun and adventurous life and be kind to everyone. You never know what kind of battle they are facing. 

Hanna 

[dailydoseofme5]

Denver

Is it possible that moving is harder and more lonely than the first time? I have been living in Denver for about 3 months and I am so lonely. I feel empty, alone, unimportant, unfulfilled, and numb. I find it hard to remember if I felt this way when I first moved to Atlanta. 

I remember I felt SO lead to Denver and and like God put it in my path for a reason and my whole life was leading to this. And then I got here and Ive never been this lonely in my life. And I hate to admit it, but I am carrying around a sense of resentment and anger towards God right now. Why did you bring me here? Why was I lead here when I am so unhappy? I don't understand. I am so lost. I know I need to trust in his plan and let it all play out but its hard to do when I just don't even want to live anymore. I have no zest for life. Im not sharing my life with anyone. I’m alone and everything I do is a hassle. 

I know that Denver is a fantastic city and has SO much to offer. It really has it all. The weather, the activities, the beauty, the city, etc. But its all pointless if I don't have any friends or family to do it with. 

I have been trying to put myself out there but I feel like ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE I go...I just never feel like I belong. Does everyone feel like that? Does everyone always feel like an outsider? Or is that just me? I just feel like I can never find MY PEOPLE. Ive been searching and I just cannot. find. them. Which makes me wonder if they even exist. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. 

OK I'm being really depressing right now. But I seriously just feel sad most days. Sad down to my core. And I keep wondering if I should move again. I am thinking about the next steps in my career and its going to be coming up fairly soon. Do I want to stay here and finally plant some roots? The next step I make is a commitment for 2-3 years. Do I want to do that in Denver? Do I want to move somewhere else? Do I want to move back home? I know that every place will be miserable until I plant some roots but maybe Denver really IS to far from home. Or maybe its not my place. Or maybe it is. I DONT KNOW. 

I hope I find out soon though. I can't take this loneliness for too much longer. 

[dailydoseofme5]

2017

As the year comes to a close, I can't help but reflect on all of the major changes that have happened this year. It has been emotional, fun, crazy, sad, challenging, but mostly rewarding. It was a year of change. 

This year, I graduated college with a Bachelors degree in Marketing. This was such a rewarding accomplishment. I was proud of myself. I am so grateful that I spent the time I did in Lafayette, Louisiana. Those 4 years there helped shape me to who I am today. I made lifelong friends, had sooo many new experiences/FUN times, and learned the knowledge that led to my career. I remember when it came time to leave, there was a quote that I felt described it so perfectly. “You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place, like you'll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again.”

 Then, me and my parents packed up everything in Lafayette, drove 9 hours and moved to ATLANTA, GEORGIA to begin a career I knew nothing about in a place where I had zero friends. It was a very emotional experience. Me and my parents cried hard and said goodbyes and then all of a sudden I was FOR REAL on my own. No one to help me. No one to comfort me. No one helping me financially. I was scared out of my mind. But, I knew that you had to push yourself out of your comfort zone to be able to grow. and LEMME TELL YA, moving like this has been the hardest, best, and most rewarding thing I've ever done. Atlanta brought me SO many experiences that I never would have had. 

It forced me to break out of my comfort zone in social settings. I would randomly go meet up with people I had never met or spoken to before-which lead to some awesome people and also some traumatic experiences...but thats a different story. And slowly, without me really noticing, I had a group of friends! I no longer felt lonely anymore. I knew that any weekend, if I wanted to, I had someone to call to do something fun. 

I made an effort to experience the nature in this part of the country. I went hiking a couple of times, went kayaking, strolled through the beautiful parks. 

Labor Day weekend was a doozy. It was a fun weekend in the woods. We rented a cabin, had the family there, went white water rafting and zip lining which was an adventure! It was up in the smokey mountains which was just beautiful. It was so much fun...until it wasn't. But I won't talk about that. 

Something that surprised me about my time in Atlanta was how much I really enjoyed my job. The team in ATL really was wonderful, helpful, and hilarious. We would shoot the shit all day long and I learned a ton and also got to have SO many fun experiences that really MADE my 2017 what it was. I got to go to a district meeting in Asheville, North Carolina. We went white water rafting with the team. It was up in the smokey mountains as well. We had a good time. I also travelled to Dallas 5 times throughout the duration of the program I was in. I met coworkers that turned into friends. We would laugh every time we were together, fake it till we make it, and always drank a few too many drinks when we were together. haha But their support throughout the program was everything and I don't think I could have made it through the program without them. I don't know if I will ever find the right words to tell them just how important they were to me at that  point in time. BECAUSE you have to remember.....Im all alone in Atlanta. I didn't have friends in the beginning, I had no roommate, nothing. So when I would go to Dallas and it was like being reunited with all of friends once a month-it saved me. 

I also got the opportunity to go up to New Jersey to recruit during a sales competition! I got to represent my company and judge the competitors which was fun because that was me 6 months ago! We also went into New York City one night which was fun. We ate at a restaurant right by Times Square. Being a part of something like this through work and being able to network while being there was so much fun. I felt grown up and like a professional. Overall, everything at work pushed me this year. It pushed me to be better than I am. It formed me into a different person- a better person in the workforce. Excelling at work made me feel accomplished, proud, and competent. It gave me a sense of purpose. It made me feel good. This was the first time in my life that work wasn't work. I enjoyed going to work. I enjoyed being a part of a corporate atmosphere. I liked feeling important and valued. Of course, there are always days where you don't wanna go to work everyday. You can love what you do but not always like it. 

Now, we only have 2 weeks left in the year and I am about to make another huge life change. Since the program has come to an end, I had to apply to permenant positions. I decided to move to DENVER, COLORADO. So, I will be moving the first week in January. I am VERY excited. I am not as scared as I was 6 months ago. I feel more ready and am going into this move with confidence. I feel lead to Denver. I know that Gods hand is on me. And I know in my soul that this is the right thing to do at this point in time. 

I am ready and I am capable for what comes next. Here we go 2018. You've got a lot to live up to but I know you can do it. 

[dailydoseofme5]

2018 bucket list

-book a trip to San Fransisco and go to a winery and drive the coast down to Los Angles

-go on a spa weekend by myself on some kind of retreat

-go to an all inclusive in Mexico

-go skiing with my family

[dailydoseofme5]

the moment we’ve all been waiting for......the move.

Soooo.....in case anyone was wondering, I actually followed through on all that talk and I actually moved to Atlanta, Georgia. 

Sometimes, it literally hits me when Im driving and I think to myself, “did I seriously just pick up my entire life and move to Atlanta where I don't have 1 friend?” ..........the answer is yes. 

& Its been wonderful and challenging and I’ve been happy and sad. Its been adventurous and lonely. But at the end of the day, it was what I needed to do for me. I was not happy in Lafayette so this was a change that HAD to happen for my sanity. But sometimes, on nights like tonight where I am sad for no reason, I have to ask myself, what am I searching for? What is gonna make me happy? Even now....I’ve been in Atlanta for 2 months and Im already wondering where the next place will be. So, Ive compiled a list of what I believe would make me happier

-to be content with my body

-more adventure

-for boys to like me (love)

-to have a group of friends that I feel like understand me, have fun, aren't petty, and have my best interest at heart

-for my family to not give me anxiety

-to have more money

-to not be self conscious 

-to not always feel on the outside

-to feel content and satisfied of my life.

The thing is...I don't know how to get those things. But I am going crazy trying to fill the void. I want to be comfortable with my body. I feel like I am addicted to food. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't stop and I just keep gaining weight and getting more depressed. 

Anyways, I'm just feeling somber tonight. Normally, I'm in love with Atlanta and this area of the country. Its beautiful and so active. Overall, I am so glad that I chose to work for Lennox and be in this program. & even on the days where I daydream what my life would have been like if I would have chose to go to Dallas or Austin, I have to remember that the grass aint always greener on the other side...its green where you water it. 

We went to Dallas for 2 weeks for training and I just got back yesterday. These are some takeaways I have: 

We went to this women's lunch in one day and heard these high executives in our company speak and they were talking about how if your career doesn't scare you and push you out of your comfort zone then you are in the wrong career and I was just like YES PREACH!!!! Because I am always saying that. "If your dreams don't scare you then they aren't big enough"

&& This woman who is my boss boss is freaking awesome and when she spoke, she was saying "who has a vision for their life?" 🙋🏻🙋🏻🙋🏻 everyone of course & she was like well vision without any EXECUTION is just a hallucination. You have to actually DO the necessary steps to get to where you wanna go. You can't just sit around and dream about it and then be sad that your dreams didn't come true. DO the work and push yourself

Another take away: "in whatever position you are in, always remember that you are NOT as important as you think you are" Meaning, no matter what.. there is always someone just as good or better than you waiting to step in so you better work your ass off.

this guy who is in my program in charlotte and me were talking about how lucky we were to have this opportunity  and he said "sometimes I just look around and think man....what did I do to deserve this?" And it kinda hit me☺️ gatta remind ourselves how lucky we are

[dailydoseofme5]

LETS TALK ABOUT MY TEACHER

I really wanna write this down just for the sake of remembering this. 

dude......Reece Theriot though...

I have the biggest crush ever on my teacher. Like I get butterflies when I talk to him or see him. I haven't felt like that about a boy since I was a freshman in high school. Even though obviously nothing will happen, I still think its nice that he allowed me to have such a massive crush because I honestly did not know that I could feel like that about someone anymore. Its so fun to have a crush and it makes me know that this feeling still exists....in the beginning of a relationship anyway lol---I feel like you shouldnt date someone unless you feel like that about them

ANYWAY after being in his class for 2 semesters, being on the UL sales Team, and going to Bayou we have spent a lot of time together and he's become pretty fond of me as well. 

We have a lot of banter and he just picks on me all the time to mess with me because I'm one of his favorites. 

So last week we were talking and I ended up telling him how he's made a big impact on my life. I really am totally different than who I was before I took his courses and have learned so much about sales. So I was thanking him and just telling him that he really has impacted me and Im sure other students as well. And he was saying thank you and talking about how end of the semester student evaluations are tough when he gets bad ones. He was saying one said, “doesn't know how to respect women..” and he was like, “that one got to me for a long time. Because you just think to yourself what could I have possibly done to make someone feel like that?!” and I was like omg that is so untrue though blah blah blah But anyway I just wanted to tell him because (((( I just feel like its important to tell people things like that while you can. People should know the impact they have on your life)))))) So, when I went home, he sent me this. 

“Ms. Hughes,

I just wanted to say thank you for making my day. Telling me that I am making an impact in student's lives meant a lot to me. None of us are exempt from the uneasiness of wondering if we are on the right path. Thank you for giving me a little bit of affirmation, that I am at the very least, close to the path meant for me. You have been such a wonderful student, and have taught me a great deal. Keep up the good work!

Take care and know that I am here if and when you need,

Reece P. Theriot” 

And I responded with 

“Mr. Theriot, 

Aww that made me smile...thank you for sending that! I am very glad that you took it to heart because I'm sure that other students, whether from this semester or previous semesters, feel the same but just might not have verbalized it. I was going to make sure that I told you at the end of the semester but it came out today. But no worries, I'll be sure to put it in my student evaluation :)

 Thanks for making an impact! 

Hanna Hughes”

And lemme just say I was very cautious of sending that email back. I feel like its friendly and I didn't know if it was crossing the line because I put the smiley face---because it was kind of flirtatious---BUT THATS ALL PERCEPTION. If Jacey would have sent that no one would even think twice about it. But anyway I was nervous about it. 

Fast forward a week to today. Today we had sales practice and I hadn't seen or talked to him since I sent him that email. I felt like he was being a little stand offish to me in the beginning (AND I WAS ALREADY PARANOID FROM THIS EMAIL I SENT) So then we are in the role play and he was just really hard on me. He hit me with a objection I’ve never had and didn't know how to handle. I was flustered and humiliated. So after, when he's giving me feedback he was like, “I feel like you need to be more formal with me...I feel like you talk more formally when you role play with Dr. Baker” and I was like “really?! I do NOT notice that I do that..” and they were critiquing me on being too informal like saying AWESOME.....is that a joke? Why am I being critiqued for saying awesome?????  I just started getting really upset like I was about to cry. I couldn't stop tearing up, make eye contact, or speak because I was about to lose it. Later in the practice after I did ANOTHER role play and did GREAT I was like, “well I'm really glad that y'all liked that one because you made me cry earlier so I'm glad I ended on a good note.” And he was kind of shocked and was like, “I did?!” and was apologizing and stuff and he kept coming up to me after putting his hand on my shoulder and being like, “look I really didn't mean to upset you, Im so sorry.” and I was STILL about to cry (I hadn't let it all out yet) so I was just like its fine its fine and was trying to brush it off. When I tried to leave he stood in front of me and held out his hand and just kept trying to lighten the mood I guess but I think he knew that I was still upset and distant. 

And then I left and CRIED AND CRIED. I cried like all afternoon I felt like lol ---there was just a lot of shitty things happening today” 

THEN his class comes. And we had a speaker today and I wanted him to talk to me after class so I could tell him how I felt (because now I could actually talk about it since I cried it out) but I didn't think he would because we had a guest speaker that day. And I was honestly pissed off at him. He embarrassed me and made me feel like shit about myself. 

SO after class when I was walking out he was like, “Ms. Hughes?” and I went up to him and he was like, “you still mad at me?”

Me: I wasn't mad at you....

and he said something like, “Well it really bothered me that I hurt your feelings this morning...like I thought about it all day long...”

Me: Me too..I’m just frustrated

Reece: about what?

Me: I feel like I shouldnt even tell you how I feel about it....

Reece: Well I mean I’m not ganna make you tell me but if you want to tell me then I would love to know how you feel about it. If you are worried about how IM gonna feel then don't. Because I wanna know

Me: Im honestly just annoyed because I feel like Im getting critiqued for saying words like awesome and in the real world that would be fine. Like Im sorry that Im not a robot but...

Reece: ...but you have a personality

Me: Yeah! And I feel like in the real world, thats what people like about me. and about anyone

Reece: I completely agree. You have a GREAT personality and  Im not trying to train robots and hanna don't EVER lose your personality because in the real world thats whats gonna make you successful. Its just that for the sake of this competition, thats something that they look for but I completely agree with what your saying. 

And then we continued talking about that for a while. And then I said something like

Me: And I think what mainly upset me was that you told me that I needed to be more formal around you and I feel like you made me think I crossed a boundary when I know that I didn't....

Reece: omg no that is not what I meant when I said that! You are one of the most professional students I’ve ever had and I think you always carry yourself professionally. I just meant I think you are more lax around me because you are comfortable around me 

Me: I just feel like I treat you the same as I do every other teacher 

and he just like smiled........

Me: I DO! 

Reece: Okay! I wouldn't know because Im not around you with all your teachers. I just meant I know that we are close. I had you last semester and this semester and we went to Bayou together so we are obviously closer than other students so I just meant that you seemed more lax around me-that all I meant by that....

and then he said something like 

Reece: I love that we are close. Like I am gonna be checking up on you for years to come...

And I know that I give you a hard time about things. But I do that for 2 reasons....1 because I know you can take it ...or I thought you could take it....*smiles*

me: thats mean!!!

Reece: Im just kidding. and 2. your fun to mess with. I always mess with my favorite students but it really did bother me when you were upset because remember how I told you that that girl said that I didn't know how to respect women? Well I never wanna make anyone feel like that and I definitely didn't wanna make you feel like that. 

Me: No I wouldn't ever think that.

Reece: Well sometimes I don't realize how I come off...so thats why I wanna know when/if I hurt your feelings because if not then Im just walking around not even realizing....

And you know what? Every girl that I have ever coached I have made cry....

Me: really???

Reece: yeah and its just because I don't realize it. 

and then he went into detail about those situations. 

*****This guy Mike in our class is legit in Reeces office everyday about something lol---so he passes by and is like “Hey you wanna be in your office later?” and Reece is like “yeah ill be there” and we started laughing

Me: He is literally in your office every single day

Reece: Every. single. day. Im like his bro haha

Me: See..I feel like its a gender thing too....

Reece: what is?

Me: Like I couldn't be like him and be in your office every single day...

Reece: ...yeah because people would start to talk 

Me: Exactly! So because Im a girl and you said that to me earlier I was like “crap he's making me feel like I did something wrong..” but If I was a guy then we wouldn't even be talking about this...

Reece: your absolutely right. Its sad but there is that double standard. Ive probably had 15 males students that Ive had close relationships with and I've maybe had 3 females that have been as close as me and you...

and then I forgot what happend but I ended up saying 

Me: well I was probably just emotional today and was being a girl...lol

Reece: Well it doesn't matter.I hurt your feelings and your feelings are always valid so if I made you feel like that then I want to apologize.

Anyway we kind of went back and forth for a long time almost repeating a lot of what we had talked about and I was eventually like “okay well its fine. Now that I know that you didn't mean that, I'm good.” and I left 

and then he emailed me and said 

“Ms. Hughes,

I forgot to mention that I bought you a copy of Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People - last week. Remind me to give it to you...

best,

Reece P. Theriot” 

How sweet. He was gonna let me borrow his book but I guess he bought me a copy. 

***Cries****

Poor thing. I think he feels guilty and is probably scared I'm gonna get him in trouble or something. 

Anyway, that was just a LITTLE of the convo but I described it as a hott mess and out of order but I obviously cant remember everything exactly because contrary to what this post may say....im not a pysco. lol

[dailydoseofme5]

Lately

I’m alone tonight and I'm drinking wine so Im all up in my feels. 

I use to love being alone. I use to crave it. But not anymore. I don't know why but the past year I have hated being alone. Maybe cause I've been alone a lot more lately? I don't know but its frustrating because I feel like who I am is changing. I have NEVER been that girl who has to be with people all the time and hates being alone. But, I am now. And I don't know why. I don't want to depend on people but I feel like that is just human nature. People aren't meant to be alone. People are meant to be around people. 

Thats what makes me so scared to move away. Im in Lafayette and I have friends and I hang out with people a lotttt and feel alone. So whats gonna happen when I move and I am ACTUALLY alone....?

Its like I'm surrounded by people but still feel all alone. Why? I just feel like I've never found a group of people that I feel like I belong with. That I sync with. Im still searching. 

I’ve been suicidal this past year. Not suicidal as in I would actually kill myself but in the sense of I wish I was dead. Like I wouldn't care if I didn't wake up. I just don't have a zest for life anymore. Does this mean I just need a change? Does this mean I’m depressed? I have no idea but I know that I am too embarrassed to talk to a doctor about it. 

My mom came into Lafayette 2 weeks ago for the FGL concert and we had the biggest fight we’ve ever had. EVER. It was so bad that I had panic attacks all throughout the night and the next day. Possibly the most vulnerable I’ve ever been in front of someone. 

I realized that I have so much built up resentment inside me towards her and my dad. But mostly her.

 I hate what they showed me and what they did to me. They fucked me up for life. 

I hate that my dad proved that he was a man who cheated on his wife. That he proved that he wasn’t dependable. That he showed me that someone who is safe and home to you could disappear and become unreliable. 

I hate that my mom brought the kids into their mess. She was our mother and I still believe that she should have protected us from that mess. The fact that she brought us all downstairs and they were yelling at each other in front of us talking about their affairs is something I will never forget. I will never forget my dad rolling his suitcase out. I will never forget my mom crying hysterically. I will never forget the moment where I thought my family had fallen apart, 

And she will just not take responsibility for anything that she ever does wrong. Its always someone else fault. And after that FGL concert, I KNEW and said, things will NEVER be the same after that. Things are just different. I was literally having panic attacks the next day next to her and couldn't breathe. 

And she hasnt even called since then. She KNOWS that I am having anxiety attacks and she HASNT EVEN CALLED ONCE IN 2 WEEKS. 

What kind of mother does that?!?!?!?!??!?!?!? Why doesn't she care? Why has she never cared???? I don't understand. I know that mothers aren't selfish because of everything they do for their kids and my mom isn't an exception to that. But sometimes I think she is selfish emotionally. I don't feel like she has been there for me emotionally for my entire teen/adult life. 

She wasn't there when I needed her. She wasn't there like I feel a mother should be. And she wasn't there the way I would be there for my kids. 

I feel like something is wrong with me. It has always bothered me that I’l never know whats “normal”. I understand its normal to feel sad and to have anxiety about some things. So when is it not normal? 

Its just weird because I'm not suical in the sense of I would ever actually DO it. but I want to. I think about it a lot. What would peoples reaction be? what kind of notes would I leave? What effect would it have? I want to but I am too much of a coward to do it. 

someone help me. 

[dailydoseofme5]

Independence

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot...(lol whats new?) 

And what Ive been thinking is that we really are all alone in this world. (or in this part of my life at least.) But I don't say that in like a “poor me Im all alone” type of way. Its just the truth. 

We are alone in our heads. Nobody else knows what we are thinking which is both powerful and lonely. And in the end, we just really are all alone and our loyalties will ALWAYS be to ourselves, honestly. Its our human nature to be selfish. Its our instinct to take care of ourselves. 

As much as I love my family and my friends, I am the only one that feels what I feel. I am the only one that knows what I think. I am the only one who knows what I want. 

As I am thinking about moving in the next few months, its just weird to think...I am an ADULT. I have to answer to no one essentially. I can do anything I want and go anywhere I want because I’m alone. 

People always say that this is such a selfish time in your life and I guess it is. But..really its all been selfish for me. I’ve never had to answer to anyone. I’ve never really depended on anyone else except my parents. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if it will be hard for me to depend on someone in the future. Like to be in a relationship and have to trust someone completely. I’ve never had to do that and something tells me it will take me a long time to truly depend on someone. I am very realistic to the idea that people come and go from your life and people change and there are different seasons of life, etc. So I think being so realistic makes me hesitant that anyone could really be there forever. 

[dailydoseofme5]

insanity

I feel like I am going insane. It is January 17th 2017 at 2am and I cant sleep (but whats new?)

I don't know whats going on with me. I don't know what is wrong with me but I feel like I'm on right. 

How is everyone else sane?! How is everyone else not always worried about the future? How does everyone else not have all these questions swirling around in their head all the time?! How is everyone else not paralyzingly scared they are going to end up alone or never really be understood?

I’m writing this because I need to sort this out some way and writing things down helps me come to terms with how I am feeling. 

Tonight I am struggling with the feeling that I have lost my zest for life. What happened to the joy that I use to feel all the time? What happened to just being excited to wake up and do life? Now it seems that everything is a chore. I am just going through the motions and I feel like a zombie. I don't know exactly when but I have lost my joy and excitement in the little things and I think when I lost that, I lost my happiness. Ive been struggling with thoughts of suicide and that scares me. The thoughts have been more frequent and I don't know what to do about it. But, I don't think I would ever really act on these thoughts. Its just something that I wish I had enough balls to do. Its not necessarily that I WANT to die, its more of a “I wish I wasn't alive and I wish I could just go into an endless sleep.” The thing about suicide thoughts is that you cant tell anyone because they will all think you are crazy. Or they will never forget it about you. But that is a very lonely thought to keep all to yourself. I am scaring myself as I type this so next subject. 

Life is hard. It aint for no sissys at least...

I just DO NOT know what I want to do with my life. Lately I have been struggling with ideas of going into sales THEN staying in Lafayette or moving away, becoming a flight attendant, or going back to school to be an ultrasound technician. 

Like, how do you not know what you wanna do? Its your mind so why cant you just pick something? 

Why am I so scared to move to a city and be all alone? I have always been independent and never relied on other people. But, here I am, completely dependent on others and SCARED. I have NEVER been that girl. I always liked being on my own, adventuring out, ect. So why am I suddenly changing into someone I don't admire? 

What I wanna do changes DAILY. shoot, HOURLY. 

Some days when I have a good day in Lafayette, and I can call a friend over to drink wine and watch The Bachelor with me, I think I wanna stay here. 

Then some days, when I’m left out, or roommate struggles, or all my friends wanna go out and I don't, I wanna move. But what if I move and am all alone and become MORE suicidal and lonely? BUT what if I move and meet best friends, get my zest for life back, and finally get into a relationship? (lol) 

It could literally go either way. Its a gamble. 

I am scared to stay here and be mad at myself for never leaving and experiencing something Ive always wanted to do. And I am scared to go and Im scared to be far away from my family. Im scared my friends will move on without me and then what did I spend 4 years of my life with these people for? ugh I am crying as I type this because I have been in such agony over this decision for a long time. I CONSTANTLY have so many questions whirling around in my mind and at this point, its like I DONT EVEN CARE what happens just make a decision so I can stop obsessing over it!!!!!!!!

I have been praying about it for a YEAR and I feel like I haven't gotten much clarity from God so I have been frustrated honestly. Even though I know I shouldnt.

 I want this decision to be over. 

I want to be happy with my decision. 

I want confirmation from God.

I want a zest for life. 

I want to be comfortable in my own skin. 

I want to stop over anything everything. 

I want to be successful. 

I want more supportive people in my life that I feel actually LISTEN to me and don't just dismiss these things that I am worried about by saying, “just don't worry, everything will work out”......DONT YOU KNOW I CANT JUST NOT WORRY ABOUT MY LIFE DECISION?

I want to have more self control

I want to find joy in the little things. 

I want to stop feeling like a failure in all of these interviews. 

I know that it is probably very unlikely this will happen, but I just want to have an epiphany and be like, OMG THIS IS WHAT IM GANNA DO. I want a prophecy to speak to me. I want God to come to me in a dream and speak to me. 

The more I am thinking about all this...I wonder if I have just talked about moving away so much and for so long that now I feel pressure from myself to do it. To live up to what I said. But you know what? Feelings change, desires change, people change. And thats OKAY. we are allowed to change our minds. 

And then the other half of my brain that likes to torture me is saying, “you were scared when you left for college too and it turned out great!! Don't let your fear of striking out keep you from playing the game!” It will be a fun adventure and will give your heart joy to experience a new place and new people!

But whats the rush??? Why not wait a year untill you are ready?

But “if you wait untill you are ready then you will be waiting forever...”

DO YOU SEE WHAT I AM DEALING WITH HERE???!?!?!?!?!?!?

Absolutely no one understands how much I am just being TORE UP inside over all of this. I think people think I’m kidding when I talk about being stressed about it. 

I feel like I am literally just being completely attacked by the devil in my thoughts. I need to take control. 

Wish me luck. 

[dailydoseofme5]

2016---->2017

wow, 2017. 

The year that I knew was coming but always seemed far away. I remember being at my freshman orientation at UL and we were all huddled up in the quad and we had to scream, “Class of 2017.″ Now, its 2017. 

But, right now, lets reflect on 2016. 

2016 was not my favorite year to be honest. Nothing really bad or really good happend this year. This was just kind of one of those years that went and passed. This year, I, 

-raised my GPA

-went to NYC for Christmas

-went to Telluride

-went to Destin, Florida 

-went to Nashville, Tennessee

-flourished in some friendships

-decreased value in other friendships

-gained 20lbs

-moved into a new townhouse

-did not Kiss anyone

-learned that I’m much more affectionate than I thought

-taught myself how to control my thoughts more 

-struggled with suicidal thoughts at some points 

-did another internship with Arthur Gallagher 

-began interviewing for the real world 

-realized that my mom drives me absolutely crazy but still cant go a week without talking to her 

-turned 22

-went to Rachel (a first friends) wedding

You never know what they year is gonna throw at you. All you can do it embrace for impact because the only thing you do know is that great things will happen and bad things will happen. You will be happy and sad, Scared and excited, and everything in between. However, this year I know I can anticipate a few things. 

In 2017 I will, 

-graduate college

-get a REAL BIG GIRL JOB 

-most likely move somewhere

Those 3 things already make me feel all of those emotions. I feel like this is going to be crazy and hectic year. 2017 is going to be filled with anticipation, excitement, accomplishment, fear, happiness, and probably some loneliness.

One reason I think this is going to be an interesting year is because this is the year that I am BOTH a dependent child as well as an independent adult. This is the year that I make that transition. 

This is the year that I have been dreading where my parents move me in somewhere new and drive away together as I sob uncontrollably because I will be all alone. But its also the year that I have been waiting for where I move somewhere new and get to experience what independence tastes like!

I have no idea where I will move to this year. I have no idea what I will be doing 6 months from now. I have no idea how or if I will make friends. I have no idea if I will fail miserably and be back home by 2018 or if I will thrive and love every second of it and thank myself for taking a leap of faith. 

As scary as it is to go, I think I am more scared to stay. I was not happy this past year. I felt stuck and found myself thinking, “Is this all there is?” and “these people are not my people.” The people I surrounded myself with made me feel alone and isolated. 

Goals for 2017:

-graduate college

-get a REAL BIG GIRL JOB 

-move somewhere

-lose more than 20lbs (I HAVE to do this. this is ridiculous)

-make friends where I go 

-become cut off from my parents

-do a DAILY devotion (Why is this so hard for me?)

-be thankful more often

-pray more

I pray that God looks out for me this year. I pray that he guides me where to go. That he leads me to the right place and the right people. I pray that he keeps me and my family safe and happy. 

2017, I have a good feeling about you :)

[dailydoseofme5]

So, today is September 30th 2016 and I am currently sitting outside at Starbucks with a pumpkin spice frap and its 70 degrees outside. You could say this is a good morning. 

However, yesterday I was not happy. I feel like I haven't been very happy lately and I need to get to the bottom of WHY and fix it. And I honestly think a lot of it comes from Regan…

Not to sound mean and its all her fault-its not. But I really do think that its part of it. She is a very judgmental person and I feel like everything that comes out of her mouth about someone is criticizing them or kind of making fun of them. like YOUR NOT PERFECT EITHER. I feel like I have grown into someone who has a take of “To each their own”. Everyone is different and thinks about things differently and maybe has a different style, ect but thats what makes people UNIQUE. I think Jacey made me think like that with her not even knowing that she has. She is a little weird and different sometimes but thats what makes people love her and she always just kind of says “Embrace your weird” like own it. So I have really tried to live like that. 

It is very hard to live with someone that you feel like your getting judged but its not even like I feel like she's judging ME. I mean we have had issues with this in the past (spring break) and she was just like “Why do you feel like that? I am your best friend so I love you” but what I didn't say is “YOUR SO JUDGMENTAL ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE SO IT MAKES ME SELF CONSCIOUS AROUND YOU” ---I just feel like she's always making comments and I am too timid to speak up and be like “Omg just stop. let everyone just be themselves. Stop saying how people are ugly” but I don't want to agree so I just kind of change subjects. Its exhausting. 

And there is the fact that she is ALWAYS with her boyfriend. He legit lives with us. He is there all the time even when we are not there. and its ANNOYING. Its not that he's dirty or rude or anything so I don't know why it bothers me so much!!! ugh. I dont think I am jealous…I don't know what it is. ---I think it might be that she use to be my best friend and now she's not. So maybe I am jealous in a sense. But not because she has a boyfriend and I don't but because I feel like he took my place in a way. She doesn't do anything with me or our friends anymore and doesn't make any effort. Maybe she feels like she doesn't have to because we live together and so we see each other all the time. But just because you SEE someone, doesn't mean that you are still close. 

Writing it down like that-thats gatta be it. She is not my best friend anymore and he is a big reason why she's not. Maybe she doesn't notice because she is still with someone all the time while I am alone. 

Lately I have realized that so much of my happiness is who I surround myself with. That saying “You are who you hang out with” is so true. Although I didn't like being compared to Jacey this summer, I miss her so much. She makes me so happy being around her. She is a happy person and she's so goofy and NOT being around her a lot (because of school) I have realized…man i need to surround myself with people who build me UP. I need to find more people like her. 

I feel like alot of my friendships got weaker this year. Like almost all of them. We are all growing apart. I was talking to Jacey about this a while ago and she was like “You know that is a part of life. Especially in yours 20s. People are growing up at different paces and thats okay. You just have to let it go and let it be” 

I feel like I have never found like “my people.” I have never felt understood or completely part of the group. I feel like I keep running because I still haven't found what I’ve been searching for. And maybe I will never find it and maybe everyone always feels misunderstood and an outsider. Or maybe its just me, who knows. But I know that I am not satisfied here anymore and its time to find something that make me happy and excited again. When I think back on the last decade and the times I was happiest, its always been when I was in a new situation and challenging myself. For example: when I entered high school and when I moved to Lafayette. 

Maybe its not smart to leave something good to find something great. I know you can't spend your whole life just going from place to place and not holding on to all the friendships you've made along the way but ------------- you know what…forget that. Its my life and I can do anything I want!!! Thats the beauty of our freedom! People don't know whats going to make me the happiest, only I know that. And If I feel in my gut that i want or don't want something then I need to trust myself and DO IT. 

Just like I need to learn to take the time to do things that make me happy! Jacey always said “you have to create your own happiness” 

Sitting here, blogging in this weather makes me happy. :)

I have been praying for MONTHS and months for God to lead me in the right direction this year and praying he would give me some clarity which I don't think completely has come yet because one minute I want to leave and the next I want to stay but I always think about something I heard in church one time. It was something like “If your waiting on an answer from God, how do you expect him to tell you? You have to make yourself open to receive that message. Like reading your bible, doing your devotions, ect.” So I need to start doing that instead of getting frustrated. 

This sumer I was veryyyyy stressed about my future. But the past 2 months I have been really trying not to think about it. I need to train myself to not worry about the future because whatever is ganna happen is ganna happen so there is no sense in worrying about it. I used to not think I was worrying, I just thought it was fun to think about the future because it hasnt happened yet. You can still picture what its ganna be like-its fun. But I realized that doing that DID lead to worrying. So i am trying to let go and let be. And live in the now. 

Its kind of sad but I think not being able to really drink the last few months has been a little dent in my happiness too lol BUT thankfully I only have about a month and a half left of accutane!! WHAT?! YAYYYYYY! I will deff be celebrating with a glass of wine….Even though I still drank on accutane, there were a lot of nights that I didn't that I wanted to! And I was always so stressed drinking on it cause I know your not suppose to…

Tomorrow is October which means its finally FALL and the HOLIDAY SEASON (does dance) so its my favorite time of the year! How can you not be happy when the weather is like this? SO we have Halloween and then my 22nd birthday, Thanksgiving, and then Christmas!! And we are going to New York for Christmas!! It is going to be so amazing. I am very excited. We are supposedly going to go to an all inclusive resort in May---which would be my last vacation before I start working….But I don't know if that will for sure happen but I have been dieting really hard core and I lost 6 lbs in 2 weeks! (Even though I just drank that pumpkin spice…cries) but maybe I can actually keep losing weight this time..I am hopeful. Fingers crossed. 

This is my last year as a “kid” before I am tied down Monday-Friday 8-5 with little vacation days…so I am going to try my best to ENJOY it. 

So cheers, until next time. 

[dailydoseofme5]

its August 9th, 2016. School is about to start in a week or 2 and I will be entering into my SENIOR YEAR of college. It really does blow my mind because I remember moving into my dorm like it was YESTERDAY. 

Its weird because I spent so much time in high school just dreaming about what college would be like and who I would meet and here it is, come and gone just like that. Grant it I still have a year left but still. 

I finished the internship last week and they will most likely be making an offer in the next couple of months. most likely in lafayette. And just me being me I wish they would wait until the spring semester so that I can put it off as long as possible until I figure out what I want. 

I don't want to stay in Lafayette. I feel like I have done my time here and it was such a great experience but I feel like I'm ready to go somewhere else.

I get so tired of places and people. I wonder if everyone gets like that. Im tired of this place and I am ready for a new adventure. And although I am scared to death, I really do feel like its the right thing for me. But then there is the big issue that i need a JOB wherever I go. 

I do like Gallagher and I am so grateful to have interned there. They were good to me and it pushed me to be better than I was before. And it has opened up a lot of doors for me. I just don't know if that is something that i want to make a CAREER out of. Sometimes I feel like I have to convince myself to like it-so maybe I could find something I enjoy more-but then again it is called a JOB for a reason….i don't know. 

SO yes I want to move somewhere else but then again you gatta start somewhere so maybe I should just start in Lafayette. 

its just-heres the thing- I feel like if I start out at Gallagher and in Lafayette…Ill never leave. Ill feel stuck and I don't wanna feel like that. I want to feel free and excited. 

ANOTHER THING:

I wonder if my subconscious is getting in the way and maybe I think that I won't be very good at Gallagher because for the past 2 summers I have been compared to Jacey and basically losing lol

Which is another thing….I cannot work at the Lafayette office and be compared to her constantly. I cant. As much as I LOVE her, I am very jealous of JAcey. Ive been working on it and I do not want to be jealous of her but I can't help it, Im human and I am. 

Lord help me. 

There is just SO much up in the air right now which is exciting but also very nerve wrecking and scary. 

I need to just live in the now and what will happen is ganna happen all on its own.