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If someone reaches for something at the same time as you, offer to let them take it first.

For example, you're in line at a buffet, and someone reaches for the soup ladle to get their helping of soup at the same time as you. Instead of reaching for it even faster like a kindergartner trying to grab a toy before the other kids can, instead offer to let them have the ladle and scoop their soup first.

Or you're at the grocery store and reach for a can of tomatoes at the same time as someone else, instead of trying to grab it faster like a toddler trying to grab a cookie before their sibling can get it, instead offer to let them take the can instead.

If you can, it helps to make a demonstration of it, such as saying "oh no you go first!" or "oh no you can have it!", or even just smiling and/or gesturing at the thing you're both grabbing for to let them know they can have it first. That way, if this is someone being childish and acting like a kindergartner who wants to just grab things first before other people can have it, you are letting them know that you are letting them have it out of good manners, and not because they "won" by grabbing for it faster than you. It might even make them reconsider their childish and selfish behavior if they see someone demonstrating good manners by consciously letting them have it first.

Most of the time small grabby children are going to be relatively close to each other in size and physical strength. But as we get older we have to learn better because in the world at large outside of a preschool classroom there are going to be even more variances in size and physical capabilities. In a world where everyone regardless of age just reaches faster if they see someone reaching for the can or soup ladle at the same time as them, or rushes faster to get to the cash register first if they see someone approaching at the same time as them, ect. is going to be a world where children, the elderly, disabled people, and anyone just smaller in frame/stature is going to be at a disadvantage and always going to be the last to get the can or the last to get to the cash register, ect.

So this is why we behave civilly in public and go "oh no you go first!" when someone reaches for the can or the soup ladle at the same time as us, or approaches the cash register at the same time as us, ect. It's one of the foundational blocks for having a world of cooperation and compassion instead of a world where children, elderly people, disabled people, or anyone at a physical disadvantage always come last.

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As a rule of thumb, when it comes to traffic to and from buildings, public transport, elevators, etc. egress has the right of way over ingress. Always let people out before you try to get in, and don't squeeze past people who are trying to exit. Wait until they've finished exiting then enter.

So if you approach a door to a store at the same time as someone else, and the door is only narrow enough to let one person through at a time, then the person leaving has the right of way.

The logic of this rule is that it's always better to clear up more space within a place before you crowd more people into it. Even if the place you're leaving or entering isn't crowded or limited on space, it's still good to follow a rule on who has the right of way for the sake of making coming and going smoother, and since egress having the right of way over ingress benefits smaller and tighter spaces this is the typical rule of thumb.

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Some more additions, because this isn't the only time I've gotten a reply like "but this manner was followed and my feelings / someone else's feelings still got hurt" and/or "but this doesn't cover this specific situation where there is middle ground (when again, unfortunately my posts just cannot cover every possible scenario without becoming longer than most people are willing to read, when again, my posts are already too long IMHO)

a) Having good manners doesn't guarantee nothing hurtful will happen. Unfortunately, there is no way to 100% avoid having your feelings hurt and/or hurting the feelings of others, no matter how hard we try, because it is simply an unavoidable part of the human condition. You should still practice good manners because they are general guidelines to make human interactions easier, smoother, and more pleasant for everyone, and IMHO make the world a better place. However, they can never 100% safeguard against someone being hurt.

There is a line between good manners and people-pleasing (in my opinion that line lies in still having personal boundaries), however even those who have struggled with the most severe cases of people-pleasing will be able to testify that there is no possible way to 100% avoid ever upsetting anyone.

b) Speaking of manners being general rules, they are just that, general blanket rules that will generally make human interaction better in most cases, and do try to cover as many situations as possible, but there will always be exceptions. The point of good manners is to make the world better and easier, on average. You will have to decide for yourself when exceptions apply, because there is no perfect formula that can cover every situation.

I could spend all day writing a manners post to try to add a caveat for every possible situation, but it would still never be able to cover everything. So my dear readers, you must decide for yourself when exceptions apply. You are the captain of your own ship.

Assume all conversations to be private and confidential unless stated otherwise.

Of course this mainly applies to things of a sensitive and personal nature. If your classmate tells you their favorite soda flavor or favorite pizza topping, or your co-worker shares a trick with you on how to use the new software at work, that's safe to assume it's okay to share.

But anything of a more sensitive nature, someone sharing with you a problem they've been having at home with their family or partner, a personal insecurity of theirs, a difficult or traumatic event from their past, a health issue they've been having, your default assumption should always be that this was shared to you in confidence and is a private matter that you should not share with others unless a) they've given you permission to or b) it's an emergency or otherwise urgent situation (for example your co-worker just collapsed at work so it's probably a good idea to tell the paramedic that personal health problem your co-worker shared with you in confidence)

This kind of information is something that most people don't just share with anyone, and usually will only share with someone who has earned some degree of their trust. This kind of information can be used against people, or can also be embarrassing or just a sensitive topic. Sharing it with other people without their permission, however, can quickly dissolve whatever trust you had gained from them.

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A note, because not everyone knows this: if you're driving and another driver flashes their brights at you, this is a signal to be on alert and slow down. There may be debris in the road, a cop out of sight, or an animal crossing ahead of you. (Or, alternatively, your brights are on and they're getting blinded.) Whatever the reason, it's a signal that you need to focus and reduce speed. And possibly turn your own brights off.

This PSA has been brought to you by the four fawns and does that ran out in front of me at various points on my drive home.

Let's court death with mama!

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A note, because not everyone knows this: if you're driving and another driver flashes their brights at you, this is a signal to be on alert and slow down. There may be debris in the road, a cop out of sight, or an animal crossing ahead of you. (Or, alternatively, your brights are on and they're getting blinded.) Whatever the reason, it's a signal that you need to focus and reduce speed. And possibly turn your own brights off.

This PSA has been brought to you by the four fawns and does that ran out in front of me at various points on my drive home.

Let's court death with mama!

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Right so something I didn't realize is that this link will probably default to the Icelandic page when you click on it, and you have to change it to English.

The description text about the crowdfund should be in English regardless, but the links for the reward tiers and payment information will probably default to Icelandic.

If you're on desktop then the button to change the reward tier links and payment information to English is just along the top and looks like this:

But if you're on mobile you're going to have to click the hamburger menu in the top right and it should show up there:

For this week's Off Topic Tuesday, I am actually calling on a personal favor from my followers.

You see, some very lovely humans who are quite dear to me run a small business baking and selling Australian pies in the greater Reykjavík area. They're currently limited to basically just small batch catering, but are in the early stages of trying to achieve their dream of expanding into a food truck.

They're currently running a crowdfunding campaign to help with the costs of starting up their food truck, and if any of my dear followers could give even just a little bit, it would be greatly appreciated 🙏

Since most of the reward tiers involve food, unfortunately most of the reward tiers are limited to residents of the greater Reykjavík area (which unfortunately I assume at least 99.99% of my followers are not), but I'm pretty sure you can still get the magnet reward even if you live abroad.

Or, alternatively, if you scroll to the very last reward tier you'll see this:

So you can also donate without one of the reward tiers if you don't live in the Reykjavík area and/or don't want a magnet.

If you can donate even just €5 it would be GREATLY appreciated 🙏

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A note, because not everyone knows this: if you're driving and another driver flashes their brights at you, this is a signal to be on alert and slow down. There may be debris in the road, a cop out of sight, or an animal crossing ahead of you. (Or, alternatively, your brights are on and they're getting blinded.) Whatever the reason, it's a signal that you need to focus and reduce speed. And possibly turn your own brights off.

This PSA has been brought to you by the four fawns and does that ran out in front of me at various points on my drive home.

Let's court death with mama!

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Always use "excuse me" if you have to get into someone else's personal space.

Someone at the store is standing in front of the shelf where there's a can you want to grab? Don't just reach into their personal space without warning, say "excuse me" or "pardon my reach" first so that they at least have a warning that someone is about to reach into their personal space, and most importantly, so that they have a chance to move before you get into their space.

Or if someone is standing on a walkway or in a doorway you need to get through, don't just silently shove past them or squeeze past them, say "excuse me" so that they have a warning that a someone is about to squeeze or shove into their personal space, and they have a chance to move out of the way before you do you.

People deserve a fair warning if someone is about to squeeze or shove or reach into their personal space. A lot of people are not okay with having someone, but especially a stranger, randomly shove or squeeze or reach into their personal space without warning. They also deserve a chance to move out of the way first for the sake of their comfort.

Try to avoid just staring at people who are in your way and expecting them to read your mind that you want them to move. Most people cannot, in fact, read minds, so having someone stand in front of them and stare at them often only leads to making them feel uncomfortable and frustrated.

But also more importantly, if you are standing somewhere someone needs to get to, and they say excuse me, you should move aside for them even if just temporarily, so they can avoid the discomfort of having to reach into your personal space or squeeze past you.

If someone is saying "excuse me" it's because they would like you to move because they don't want to have to get into your personal space, whether it's out of respect for you, or just because they themselves are not comfortable getting in your personal space.

All of this goes double for people with trauma and/or people who are neurodivergent. If someone has trauma related to abuse or assault they may find it more upsetting or possibly triggering to suddenly have someone shoving or reaching in their personal space without warning.

Or, many types of neurodivergence can make it especially disturbing and unpleasant to have someone else in your personal space, especially without warning.

You can never be 100% sure who is and isn't traumatized and/or neurodivergent, so always practice respecting other's personal space by giving them a fair warning with "excuse me" or "pardon my reach" before getting in their personal space, and moving aside when you hear those magic words. Or, even if someone isn't traumatized nor neurodivergent, it's still fair to not like someone in your personal space without warning and not being given the opportunity to move first.

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For this week's Off Topic Tuesday, I am actually calling on a personal favor from my followers.

You see, some very lovely humans who are quite dear to me run a small business baking and selling Australian pies in the greater Reykjavík area. They're currently limited to basically just small batch catering, but are in the early stages of trying to achieve their dream of expanding into a food truck.

They're currently running a crowdfunding campaign to help with the costs of starting up their food truck, and if any of my dear followers could give even just a little bit, it would be greatly appreciated 🙏

Since most of the reward tiers involve food, unfortunately most of the reward tiers are limited to residents of the greater Reykjavík area (which unfortunately I assume at least 99.99% of my followers are not), but I'm pretty sure you can still get the magnet reward even if you live abroad.

Or, alternatively, if you scroll to the very last reward tier you'll see this:

So you can also donate without one of the reward tiers if you don't live in the Reykjavík area and/or don't want a magnet.

If you can donate even just €5 it would be GREATLY appreciated 🙏

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A note, because not everyone knows this: if you're driving and another driver flashes their brights at you, this is a signal to be on alert and slow down. There may be debris in the road, a cop out of sight, or an animal crossing ahead of you. (Or, alternatively, your brights are on and they're getting blinded.) Whatever the reason, it's a signal that you need to focus and reduce speed. And possibly turn your own brights off.

This PSA has been brought to you by the four fawns and does that ran out in front of me at various points on my drive home.

Let's court death with mama!

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Assume all conversations to be private and confidential unless stated otherwise.

Of course this mainly applies to things of a sensitive and personal nature. If your classmate tells you their favorite soda flavor or favorite pizza topping, or your co-worker shares a trick with you on how to use the new software at work, that's safe to assume it's okay to share.

But anything of a more sensitive nature, someone sharing with you a problem they've been having at home with their family or partner, a personal insecurity of theirs, a difficult or traumatic event from their past, a health issue they've been having, your default assumption should always be that this was shared to you in confidence and is a private matter that you should not share with others unless a) they've given you permission to or b) it's an emergency or otherwise urgent situation (for example your co-worker just collapsed at work so it's probably a good idea to tell the paramedic that personal health problem your co-worker shared with you in confidence)

This kind of information is something that most people don't just share with anyone, and usually will only share with someone who has earned some degree of their trust. This kind of information can be used against people, or can also be embarrassing or just a sensitive topic. Sharing it with other people without their permission, however, can quickly dissolve whatever trust you had gained from them.

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I was talking with a friend the other day about bullying, specifically the more subtle and insidious forms of bullying that are more common among adults, like mobbing, character assassination, and ostracization. These forms are especially common in the workplace, but also pretty common in activist circles.

One thing we talked about was how some people can have a hard time distinguishing someone bringing forward a legitimate criticism of someone's behavior to their friends, colleagues, or fellow activists vs. trying to start a character assassination with the end goal of isolating and ostracizing someone (aka bullying or mobbing).

People will often just go along with mobbing for a number of reasons, maybe they're afraid if they speak up and defend the target they'll become the target themselves. Maybe they already had some pre-existing animosity towards the target so they're happy to go along with the mobbing campaign.

But often, I think people just either fall victim to the bystander effect, or they trust their work colleague/friend/fellow activist. Maybe they've only had good experiences themselves with the perpetrator leading the mobbing campaign, so they have no reason to question what the perpetrator is saying or doing. Or maybe they themselves have never been on the receiving end of this kind of bullying (character assassination campaign leading to isolation and ostracization) so they don't even recognize it for what it is.

What they also probably don't realize is usually the only thing that separates them from the victim is how useful and/or non-threatening they are to the perpetrator.

My friend brought up a really good point on how to distinguish between legitimate criticisms and concerns about someone's behavior vs. mobbing/bullying/character assassination. Listen to what they're saying, are they focusing on what they say this person is, or what this person does?

Are they saying things along the lines of "This person thinks they're so much better than everyone else!" or "This person is such a weirdo!" or "this person is so crazy!", or are they giving specific examples like "One time this person said or did this specific thing that I found troubling/disturbing/offensive."?

If they only have vague things to say about someone's character like "they think they're better than everyone else" "they're crazy" "they're a weirdo", how do they respond if you try to defend them and say something like "Well I don't think they think they're better than everyone else, I think they're just really focused on their work." or "I personally don't think that person is crazy, they just seem like they're really stressed out right now and maybe not managing it well." How does the other person respond if you try to give another perspective, do they get angry or offended that you would dare offer a different perspective, or do they even make you feel afraid or intimidated that you might not just agree with them on what they have to say about someone else?

If they only have vague statements about someone's character (they're crazy / they're so lazy / they're a snake / they're snobby and think they're better than everyone else) but can't give specific examples of the other person's actions, and especially if they get angry and offended that you disagree with their claims about the other person's character (when not being able to provide examples), consider that you may be witnessing character assassination with the end goal of isolating and ostracizing the target as a form of mobbing/bullying.

Of course, this isn't a steadfast rule, and there is a lot of nuance here. You really need to consider the context. If you have a personal relationship with someone outside of a professional/activist, such as a friend, romantic partner, or family member, it is more normal to vent and use more vague terms without having to provide specific examples while venting to your loved ones. And hopefully, if you are someone's friend/romantic partner/family member, and know them on a personal level, you hopefully know them well enough to know whether or not they're the type of person to character assassinate as a means of trying to isolate and ostracize someone. Not always, but I hope you do.

In professional settings, or settings that can/should call for a certain level of professional behavior such as activism circles, not only is it not professional to call your colleague a snake or crazy or a stuck up snob to your other colleagues, also consider that these are settings and circles where people are more likely to have ulterior motives if they have something to say about someone else's character. Your bestie or partner or mom might not actually have much to gain if they tell you their co-worker is a lying backstabbing snake or a stuck up snob, but your colleague who is competing with the person they're trash talking for a raise or a leadership position does have something to gain from a character assassination.

So when someone is trash talking to you, I advise you to always consider if they might have something to gain from assassinating the other person's character. What, if anything, could they gain from you thinking less of the other person they're talking about?

Another reason this isn't necessarily a steadfast rule is because of course when someone character assassinates (with the end goal of isolating/ostracizing the target as a form of mobbing/bullying) it's not uncommon for them to tell half truths or even just plain lie about something their target said or did. Also not uncommon, saying something their target said or did but taking it out of context (think of that one scene with Fred saying "I hate Coolsville" from the live action Scooby Doo).

So my best advice if you don't want to accidentally find yourself complicit in a group mobbing/bullying of someone (via isolation and ostracization) is to always make an effort to form your own opinions of someone instead of just taking someone else's word for it.

Of course, as with anything, there is nuance. You have your safety, and I'm not just talking about physical safety, but your emotional/mental well being to consider. If someone, especially someone you know well and trust, warns you about someone else, of course it's normal and healthy to exhibit an appropriate level of caution around the person you were warned about (which you can do while still being civil and professional towards whoever you were warned about in most cases).

Generally though, if you hear something unpleasant about a co-worker or fellow club member or fellow activist's character, and you don't have any hard proof of it for yourself, consider that this may be a(n) (attempted) character assassination, and consider forming your own opinions rather than taking their word for it.

This isn't usually a topic I'd write about on this blog, but character assassination leading to mobbing/group bullying/isolation/ostracization of the target really is more common in the adult / professional world than apparently a lot of people are aware of, and too many people just go along with it because they blindly trust the perpetrator and don't realize what's happening.

And of course it is more common in some settings than others. When I worked food service and retail I can't say I ever really witnessed or experienced this. Maybe it's because I almost exclusively worked for small businesses, so there really wasn't much of a social or financial ladder to climb that might motivate someone to character assassination and mobbing. Maybe shift work also lessens the likelihood of this behavior. Of course this type of behavior happens in the service industry on shift work, but in my experience it doesn't seem to be nearly as common as it is in office settings.

Once I moved on to office work, where there were more social and financial hierarchies to climb, I was disturbed at how common this kind of behavior is, and again, how many people just unthinkingly go along with it because they blindly trust what their colleagues tell them without considering the possibility of an ulterior motive, like being a bully.

I also advise you to show a good heap of caution towards anyone who is eager to trash talk and/or gossip, especially with people they're not all that close with yet, and especially in settings or situations where they could have something to gain from a character assassination.

TL;DR: always take trash talking with a grain of salt, and give people who are the target of the trash talk a chance if you don't want to be complicit in group bullying.

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Assume all conversations to be private and confidential unless stated otherwise.

Of course this mainly applies to things of a sensitive and personal nature. If your classmate tells you their favorite soda flavor or favorite pizza topping, or your co-worker shares a trick with you on how to use the new software at work, that's safe to assume it's okay to share.

But anything of a more sensitive nature, someone sharing with you a problem they've been having at home with their family or partner, a personal insecurity of theirs, a difficult or traumatic event from their past, a health issue they've been having, your default assumption should always be that this was shared to you in confidence and is a private matter that you should not share with others unless a) they've given you permission to or b) it's an emergency or otherwise urgent situation (for example your co-worker just collapsed at work so it's probably a good idea to tell the paramedic that personal health problem your co-worker shared with you in confidence)

This kind of information is something that most people don't just share with anyone, and usually will only share with someone who has earned some degree of their trust. This kind of information can be used against people, or can also be embarrassing or just a sensitive topic. Sharing it with other people without their permission, however, can quickly dissolve whatever trust you had gained from them.

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If you go into a business, such as a store, and you need to ask an employee something while they're already in the middle of helping another customer, wait until they're done helping the other customer before butting in and asking for help.

For example, say you lost or forgot your phone charger. You go into a store and want to know if they have any phone chargers, but the only employee you can find is currently in the middle of ringing up another customer at the register. Here you should wait in line behind the other customer instead of butting in and asking where the phone chargers are while the employee is still ringing up the other customer.

Butting in when an employee is already assisting another customer is inconsiderate not just to the employee, but to the other customer who is already being helped.

For the employee, they might be tired at the end of a long shift and not in the headspace to handle the multitasking of ringing someone up while talking to someone else. Or, maybe they're just not good at multi-tasking in the first place so prone to messing up if you force them to multi-task by talking to you while they're in the middle of ringing someone else up.

It's also fair if they just want to focus on one customer at a time instead of being bombarded by having to help multiple people at once, as that can just be mentally straining.

This is also why it's inconsiderate to the other customer already being helped. You are disrupting the service they waited their turn for and are in the middle of receiving, and your disruption could affect the quality of the service they are receiving.

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‘Don’t be like that!’

Poster reminding people to give up their seats to the elderly or other passengers in need (1957). Artwork by K. Ivanov.