dailyretainer-blog

[dailyretainer-blog]

2/27-3/1

Its been a few days. I startedmy new job and its ben pretty good so far. Once I learn the ins and outs I think I’m really going to enjoy it. It is stressful but the rewards will be worth it. I worked 21 hours between thursday and friday, which is great for pay. I’m basically working the same hours i have in the past but now i’m getting paid while i drive to and from work, so its not really taking away from my daily life.And they are hooking me up with a car. I really want this to work out. Itried applying to ucf today, they asked about my arrest record. I’m pretty upset about it. not just felonies everything.Friday night i went with some AA people to see the invisible man in theater it was not very good, but I had fun. I was extremely sick though. Friday I was very sick. Saturday I woke up feeling a bit better, but by days end I couldn’t talk. Today I woke up and couldnt talk at all. but i’m getting better. I took the last two days to jut rest and get better. its not been easy. I haven’t been able to work out in awhile. I spent money on tinder like an idiot. we will see how that goes. Taylor reached out to me on saturday which was strange. I’m physically attracted to her but not  intellectually. she is a lot like emily only louder and cockier.

Adversity is the parent of virtue. I like it. from a fortuen cookie. Virtue is birthed from adversity. It is tested. I once read a quote hanging inside the womens bathroom at AIL, Gratitude is not only the greatest of all virutes, but the parent of all of the others. - cicero.  I understand that adversity can bring about virtuous action. But adversity is not necessry to be present for virutes to be expessed. Gratitude is a form of love. and when love is truly expressed gratitude is constantly present. If gratitude is not present than all other virtues cease to be virtues and fall to mimicry.

I realized after reading this passage about being a sponsor by a guy in secular aa, that I definitley need to change up the steps. I need to add one about physical well being. I need to add one about mindfullness. I need to do away with the petty resentment stuff and really only concentrate on the big ones that do sit on me. I also need to remember that being selected as a sponsor can be seen as a humbling experience.Nevermind I don’t believe that. Actually yes I do, most people do not want a sponsor.

Biochemistry began when buchner investigated yeast. He found it had “enzymes” that broke sugars down into carbon dioxide. This discovery led to many breathroughs involving thecreation of enzymes from genes. Through the association with the genes this helped reearchers make a claim that from herbivoire dinosaurs that ate plants, the plants developed fruit so that they also benefited from the eating by having their see dispersed through digestion. Yeast fed on rottin gfruit and fruit flies fed on yeast. All structure has a function and all function has a structure. Its the circle of life in science.

[dailyretainer-blog]

2/26/20

Today, fitrev called me back and ended up giving me the job. the guy the bos hired didn’t work out. I start tomorrow at 8.i’m very pumped about it.

I began my 4th step tonight. it is going to be hard , mostly trying to rally drudge up angry emotions because i have smothered them so much and because i am not a very resetful guy. I’ve been pretty aware my whole life about where I am to blame. The real problem i think is that I’ve prbably put too much blame on me.

I hung out with brindy and melissa tonight. Brindy turns me on, but mentally she is a bit too aloof. very valley girlish.I don’t find that attractive.But physically she is banging.

The first alien abduction report took place with tan interracial group i believe in the 50s

Gibrans aphorisms are mostly about understanding the duality of life and always looking for the paradox and the connection of everything that everything can be lfipped turned inside out and it is still the same.

my memory seems to be failing me. I cant seem to remember much when i go to write about what i have larned. 

The tao today was about initiative. about knowing when to go into action. . when we have wisdom, timing, perseverence and a couple of other things, than we are right in taking the initiative and when we are right we will not fail and if we do fail then we are not living the tao. i thin this is silly. all or nothing thinking. we all fail failre is not a bad thing. If the tao is everything than it is the shadows as well as the source.

[dailyretainer-blog]

2/25

today, i found out the job i wanted is not going to work out. it put me in a really shitty place that exercise and playing basketball couldn’t even relieve me of. the emotional irritation.

I tried to stay mindful of what I was feeling but i didn’t do the best job. I was a bit too crabby.

I started gibrans aphorisms today, they are amazing. the first one i read was bout                 how the tide will remove my foot print and the wind will blow away the foam but the beach and ocean remain. deep stuff. to me its about understanding some things are permanent and others are no.

the second one was about the cirle of life, heopen his hand to find mist, then a worm, then a bird, then a man, then mist again.

the third one was about realizing that we are everything that everything works within and through us., he uses the example of rhythm

I wrote a good poem about nostalgia and the sense that I would like to elaborate on.

 went and watched some bball, which helped clear my head. Hpw I wish I was young enough to fly and sprint and beat the shit out of people on the courts.

I learned about a pink albino manta ray. I learned about these lizards that live a century in these cave and are very blind and hadly move throughout there lives becuse they dont need to and they may go years without eating.

I learned most psueodsciences are unfalsifiable, which makes them ridiculous to the science world.

I have finished my firstof 52 lists in this book of lists that dana gave m

I learned crop cirlces are a load of shit but that there are some that have weird unexplained things about them. how they are snapped at the bottom at the same angle, the elements foudn with in the soil.

Ith the tao, I learned that te tao is everything but in life the tao is fractured down into different things like a pure light that is broken down in to different colors.

[dailyretainer-blog]

2/24

Today, I returned all my equipment to gary, but we discussed the possibility of working for him part time. I took a shitty nap, that was needed, missed therapy but finished week 4 of couch to 5k and ran my farthest and fastest yet. Shmay texted me her answer to, what make sup the space between subatomic particles. It was silly energy stuff that didn’t make much sense.. I feel its a shame when intelligent people get caught up in these pseudosciences. Where these “gurus” who consider themselves some sort of scientists, make up shit that sounds like science . They make leaps in in comparisons. I would like to do more research so that I could argue with people about how silly they are but there just isn’t much material out there about how silly they are.Emily texted me for awhile tody telling me about how sad it was leaving her grandfather and how she wishes she was with him and then went on some insecure rant about how she made such an impact on the assisted living faciliy in just the day she was there. It was a bit sad to read between the lines. She clearly isnt changing much.Dana had a pretty emotional day, had her first period in a really long time and got all insecure about or relationship. it was cute, she caught herself in the middle of it. she is a beautiful soul.

Marianne williamson backed bernie finally after initially backing yang.

I realized that the prophet must have gotten almitra pregnant and is leaving her

bodhicitta the buddhist practice of relieveing suffering and bringing happiness to others. The ultimaate altruistic behavior. Through working the program and taking suggestions we are opening ourselves up to helping others. just our presence helps. we need not fear what we share at a meeting because who knows what we will say that has an efect on me or someone else. This is also about the idea that when we hdo things for others we are getting out of our own heads and letting ourselves to heal. we are rewiring our prefrontal cortex.

I need to take more action in my program

[dailyretainer-blog]

2/22,2/23

I learned of a good friends sexual assault and rape story todayIt made me very upset. It makes me wan to hate all men. another thing that it made me feel that I did not like was that i kept catching myself thinking why did you put yourself in that situation.It was bullshit of me, but I noticed my mind going there out of anger. I also have no empathy for people who rape.I am the first person she ever told. I was not sure of how to respond. I shared my emotions after reading it but did not want to express any real opinions at that time because I was emotional and I don’t know much on this topic.

Yesterday, I had a volunteer gig at gulfport. some animal resue festival. I’ve never seen so many dogs.I got to pet a skunk. I ate a tofu scramble for the first time. it was delicious. I also had a cuban and chili dog. all delicious. Gulfport is a really cool town. I learned that a dogs behavior while being kept in a kennel does not predict its behavior out in public. Riley was very relaxed and she is crazy at the kennelk.I learned that an austrtailian cattle dog is the same as a blue healer. That the ones with a whit speck on their head means they are from a line of dogs that were bred with dingos. I learned skunks don’t like the sun.

I am nearly done with the prophet

Just because I am in recovery does not meanI am not going to suffer worse than I ever have. Am I willing to put in the work to fully heal or only stay sober. I believe for me to stay sober I must fully heal. I believe that most of the problems I possess re ridden of with abstinence.

Speaking in meetings not only helps me but may save anothers life. My perspective matters in the roomks. Let it come from the heart. then let it go , don’t analyze it. it is a selfish program.

I learned that fred sass is a bit of a mystery. I would like to search and see if we can’t find some of his paintings. I learned that the becker-moore house still stands on the west shore of the cotee. As well as one other really old house but I can’t remember the name.

I went to the clearwater sea-blues fest with jason. It was a good time. very cold. he is a smart funny guy. I hope to get to know him better. Afterwards we went to mason’s and watched the fury and wilder fight. I saw mason really rooting for the black guy to win and was really hurt when he didn’t.,

[dailyretainer-blog]

2/21/20

Today I learned:

Mom had a chili cook off at the Y, Chuckie had the floor guy over, a big doofus. I got both of them interesed in going to the clearwater sea blues festival tomorrow night to watch alex stone.Emily reached out to me to let me know that Squish is getting ultrasounds down on a bunch of body parts to see what is going on, but not from banfield’s? I don’t know why. She flew up to Ohio tonight to see her grandpa who is supposedly really dying this time. She says she is a nervous wreck about squish. I ran 2.43 miles today on a pretty fucked up right calf. But my endurancehas gotten a lot better. My breathing felt pretty good.

In some tiny town in new mexico, around 1940 a man found some broken parts of a flying instrument in his field. People made a big deal out of it like it was a ufo. military ended up lying about what it was which stirred up even further ignorant speculations.

Gibran , the prophet on death, is the duality with life. Death is life and the beginning. “And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek god unencumbered. beyond belief, being authentic. It has such a postitive effect on those around me. We all fall into different rules when we are not being mindful of the moment and who we are. It takes courage to be myself. I want to be myself.

Veronica is still going tothe gym. thats awesome. zach and em are both doing better. Zach performed somewhere and I don’t know where. Dana had a long day, but I think it was good day. She got to spend time with skya the girl who went to kenyon and rick a nice old retiree. they are both helping her at the greenhouse. dana did get a bunch of books today, one an erotic stories anthology and they sounded pretty awesome. Also two billy connely books.

I had an interview ith fitrev today. it went really well. I believe I have a jobI’m really excited for this opportunity. they are going to give me a van and a gas card. fuck yes. I really hope this works out.

discover shallou today, a good song by childish gambino called summer something. I really like the band parcel nd their funky sound. I begin my 4 th step tomorrow night big day tomorrow.