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The Boy With Kind Eyes Returns

Alright my beautiful followers, buckle up, it’s time for a trip.

I want to tell you all about my best friend, the guy who inspires me to be a better person. You’ve read about him before, you’ve fallen for his kind eyes even though you’ve never seen them, that’s right, we’re talking about Abe.

It has been a crazy, wild ride with Abe. The happiness, the sadness, the wanting, the worry, but right now, all i feel is joy. You guys have read about his eyes, they still have the same effect but i’ve gotten the opportunity to get to know more of him and it’s only gotten better. I've gotten learn the difference between his laughs, his favorite memories from growing up, his stages of sleepy, who would have thought he could have gotten better?

He is kind. He makes everyone feel like they are the only thing in the room when he talks to them. He listens and asks the questions you need to be asked. He makes you feel noticed, even if you’re meeting for the first time. He is strong. He is the kind of man that has a goal and works towards it, not only doing the bare minimum but striving to always become a better person. He is sweet and empathetic. He is always the one who is there to pick me up on my lowest days. He is kinda like my own super hero. I don’t think he is always honest about how he is really feeling because he doesn’t want to be a burden on others, but he is always there to shoulder others burdens. He is forgiving. Y'all i do not deserve him in any sense of the word. I do not deserve the man that looks past my mess ups and sees me as Christ does, the man that time and time again chooses to be in my life even if i only ever muck things up. I do not deserve him, but he is still here and sometimes i have to pinch myself because i can’t believe it.

It’s funny to look back and see you guys and your messages about how you thought we would still end up together. We have come so far it’s mind blowing that i’ve had people across the country cheering for me for the past 9 months.

I’m writing this post because you guys who have been here from the beginning deserve an update, and Abe deserves to be bragged about.

Abey, if you read this:

Thank you. Thank you for looking past my screw ups and my faults and seeing who i am and not the circumstances. Thank you for being the person i text when i’m sleepy and when something really good happens. Thank you for being my best friends and my stars. You are one in a million and you deserve nothing but the best, that’s why it’s surprising you stick around me. I hope we know each other for a long time.

–

So there’s the scoop, thank you so much for everyone who bought the magazine, read the explanation, and wanted to know the ending of this story. But this story isn’t over, and I hope it never ends.

Keep an eye out for my new art Instagram, i’ll post the information later.

Love Y'all Lots xx Em

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Have you ever stayed up late with someone texting or chatting and known as the hours ticked by that you’d be ridiculously tired in the morning but it didnt matter because it was really fun and totally worth losing sleep over just to laugh with someone and enjoy their company maybe and then the next day you keep tiredly recalling how much fun it was while you’re falling asleep in class and that makes it not so bad that you’re tired anymore.

(via thebeckdelacruz)

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“Maven is a real fuckboy. He makes you love him to pieces and fucks you over in the end.”

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Finishing Glass Sword Had me like: 

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Here’s a promise from me to you, I promise to never forget the way you make me feel

(via somewhatsomelikepoetry)

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undo

have you ever messed up?

the kind of mistake that hurts your stomach to remember?

the kind of mistake that you know can’t be undone or covered up?

in the moment, you feel infinite, endless

a high nothing can replicate

but after, when realizing how what you’ve done changed everything

your stomach drops

your head hurts

your heart aches

somethings can’t be undone

the feeling of his fingers linger while your virtue slips away

the sound of his breath is audible as your tears slip down your face

hours, days, weeks later your body still remembers what it is like to be touched and held by him

and there is a moment after the cloud of lust clears when you realize everything you’ve lost

his respect

his admiration 

his love

and worse you realize what you took from him

the worst part?

you will aways be a mistake in his eyes

you are the girl he lusted after, the girl who is dirty

wishing

hoping

praying

nothing can change the truth

your one mistake changed lives

and because of it you will always represent one

somethings cannot be undone.

you cannot be undone.

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Self Harm

Self harm Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.
It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. 
It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled.
It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid.
It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you.
It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry.
It’s crossing the road without looking because you hope a car might hit you. 
It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. 
It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. 
It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. 
It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. 
It’s seeking out triggering material. 
It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.
Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.
It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

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untitled

Have you ever been inside a burning house? Been surrounded by flames, frantically trying to find someway out. Anyway out. You’re panicking Your thoughts don’t connect with your body your mind screams at your legs to run, move, jump At your arms to push through the wreckage, open the doors, anything to help you escape. The toxic smoke billows into your lungs making it hard to breathe, your chest gets heavier with every breath The panic gets worse Your shallow breaths become painful and short as you realize you are going to die there

Words don’t come You try, waving the smoke away trying to get just one clean gulp of air One gulp of air to calm the burning in your mouth that has begun to radiate through your entire body One gulp of air to speak One chance to call for help It doesn’t come

The air gets so thick with smoke your eyes begin to waiver, not knowing what is real and what isn’t. You reach out trying to grab on to anything to hold yourself up for just one moment longer. You grasp for anything that could give you the strength that you don’t have yourself Your fingers come up empty Nothing to hold you steady, to give you support in this burning house

I’ve been in a burning house i live in one

Depression is a fickle thing Being diagnosed and medicated at 15, Being told you “seem well enough” to be taken off the medication at 17 Moving away from home and realizing depression isn’t something that simply goes away Depression isn’t beautiful, elegant, or desirable

Depression is waking up everyday in a burning house surrounded by toxic smoke that you have no choice but to breathe Breath after breath it weighs you down, burning you from the inside out until you are just the shell of the house you used to be And when someone notices the wisp of smoke coming from you and asks how you’re doing, you can’t speak, because you fear it will be the last blow that will send you crumbling You can’t tell them that you are just the ashes of the person you used to be you scream in your head “please notice that something is wrong. please notice i am not okay. please care enough to help” You can’t speak, so you reach out flailing your arms, you reach wildly trying to cling on to anything, everything. trying to keep yourself from falling deeper You reach for anyone, trying to root yourself in their lives so you have someone to hold to You bake, giving yourself an outlet to use the fire in your mind for something good You read, a new world where your burning house is saved by a charming prince who bravely conquers the flames because you are his princess You write, imagining and creating a place where there is no fire, no one has ever seen a house burn, and smoke never sours the air

Some days the house is burning with such a heat you fear you wont be able to withstand the pain Some days the walls simply smoke, no trace of a flame. no trace of the destruction that constantly plagues you Most days, flames lick the baseboards, lighting every room with its gentle warm light, constantly reminding you it’s there. always there. At some point you realize, and no matter how much you try to smother it, drown it with water, it cannot be extinguished, it will never be extinguished.

I will always live in a burning house

****

To update, i still live in a burning house but i have found the people who want to help me extinguish it and i have never been happier

xx

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