damagedtoysoldier - Tumblr blog

[damagedtoysoldier]

"- what do you say in your defense Mr. Barnes?"

[damagedtoysoldier]

bucky && steve

he has always been able to sleep anywhere . on his break in the docks , in his ratty couch in brooklyn , upright against sacks as he was transported across america , across an ocean , across europe . he can still sleep anywhere , that's not a problem , the problem is that he doesn't sleep well anymore .

one too many battles since he had been shipped to the god forsaken front lines . too much horror and death and the smell of blood and mud . except , as he tells himself constantly . it isn't just him . there are men here ,   who aren't much more than boys ,   dyin' and seeing their friends dyin' so how can he let himself wallow in what he has seen and heard and felt ? at least he was an adult not some idealistic kid who fell for the glory filled propaganda .

no one slept well anymore .

most of the time , when he did sleep , it was pure exhaustion and the exhaustion meant his sleep was often dreamless . the problems came when he slept longer than just to keep exhaustion at bay . when his subconscious started to unpack every inch of terror he had felt in the last eighteen months , curling into his dreams like a thick smoke .

this was one of those nights . holed up in run down rooms that were just rooms , sleeping on roll mats as they waited to be sent somewhere next . bucky didn't realise that he was dreaming until he woke up gasping . an echo of a german accent in his ears , a small face peering over him in the darkness , fire through his veins .

and then    . .  .     he's awake .

jerking with a gasp . sweat sticking his shirt to his body . his breathing heavily , the small scar he didn't have across his cheekbone before zola BURNED as he blinks through the darkness to the old brick walls and tries to catch his breath for a moment . when he realises he wont be getting anymore sleep he pushes himself up to sitting . wrapping a blanket around his shoulders , the eyes on him are familiar and he feels them before he meets them . the same blue eyes he had known his whole life .

( the same blue eyes he had hoped would have stayed , safe , back home throughout this godforsaken war )

with a huff bucky stood up , stepping over the other sleeping forms until he sat next to @peacereflected staring into the fire . blanket round his shoulders , he sits close enough that their arms are touching . steve always runs hot now , while it's bucky's turn to feel like he'll never be warm again .

" 'm alright. "   he mumbled after a moment , knowing that look , that look of worry used to be his look . trembling fingers press against his pockets with a frown as he finds them lacking what he's looking for .  " you got a smoke ? "

nonverbal prompts . ∗ o5﹕ sender  comforts  receiver  in  the  aftermath  of  a  nightmare .

[damagedtoysoldier]

Send " Who am I to you? " to hear my muse describe their relationship with your muse/how they perceive them as a person.

[damagedtoysoldier]

[ somewhere in the north of italy . 1941 . ]

steve : aint you happy to see me ? bucky : in the middle of a war zone ? no steven, not really !

[damagedtoysoldier]

after being rescued by steve bucky is completely convinced that rationing has, ironically, hit the ration packs they get on the front lines and later the bars that they visit in london . he thinks this because neither the nicotine he smokes or the alcohol he drinks seems to have an impact . it pisses him off . he doesn't realise that it might be because they   ( the nazis ,  schimit ,  zola )     did something to him while he was screaming in the dark .

[damagedtoysoldier]

i cant make the words do their things . so come and plot w/me instead . pls like this to come and find me on discord .

[damagedtoysoldier]

open starter ! ( save him from hydra in the 50s )

he was waiting for an opportunity . christ he had been waiting for an opportunity for . . . he doesn't know how long . time had slipped away . more than a year , less than twenty   ( he hopes ) . there had been almost occasions , gaps in the guard that he    ( my name is bucky ! )     had tried to take advantage of but he got lost in the labyrinth of tunnels and corridors he was kept in and ultimately recaptured .

he thinks he might know now . the last few times he had left the room and returned he had been conscious he thinks he knows teh way . right out of his room , down the corridor , past the key-pad locked door , left and into the stairwell then up and up and up as far as he could go ...

he didn't know where to go after that , he hadn't ever gotten that far .

he's hungry and tired and thin . his left shoulder were the metal monstrosity was welded to his body was on fire , his back screamed with every shift . except he was getting good at ignoring it .    it's just another . . . well he can't say day . time bled away and he marked it by the dripping from a pipe overhead . he doesn't know how long ago his last meal was , he doesn't know when he was last out . dirty and beaten down , his head snapped up as an explosion above shook the foundations .

what the fuck ?

distantly , slowly , he can hear shouts and gunshots , there's the pounding of feet and bucky rises to his . he knows better than to shout out to try and be heard through the thick metal door he was kept behind . then there's banging on the other side of the door , the sound of someone trying to force it open , and bucky scrambled backwards. looking around , his mind running fast , he then shifted to the darker corner where a light had gone out .

on the balls of his feet , pressing against the edge of the wall ,  tense . ready to run , or fight , or do anything that wasn't just give up more . his metal fist glinting as his hands balled into fists .

[damagedtoysoldier]

open starter ! ( rescued from hy.dra in the 50s )

waking up , unsure where he was , unsure who he was , with pain throbbing through every inch of him , had long become a habit but it was one that he was not fond of .

how many times had he woken up confused and in pain ?    ( sergeant barnes )    how many times had this ice cold fear thrummed through him ?    ( you will be the new fist of hydra ) . through the panic he can hear a loud beeping ?    it's getting louder and faster . it's him . he realised eventually , attached to his heart . he groaned , tugging blindly at wires he found on his chest until the beeping stopped and his hand went limp again on his chest .

he remembers now , the few times he had almost woken up already . gentle hands turning firm as he tried to claw the metal arm off . it had hurt . the arm usually hurt . he had just gotten good at ignoring it . with a groan bucky fumbled around until he could push himself so he was at least sitting up a bit . lopsided with the weight on his left side , blinking around the room that was far nicer than anything he had been in since he had been captured .  " what's goin' on ? "

[damagedtoysoldier]

INDEPENDENT BUCKY BARNES RP BLOG.   WRITTEN BY LOUISE.

𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢  𝚑𝚘𝚠𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚘 𝚝𝚘 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎                       𝚒𝚗  𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚎  𝚘𝚏 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚢

[damagedtoysoldier]

bucky rescued from hydra in the early 50s when ?

[damagedtoysoldier]

it didn't matter how much he ate since he got back , he was still hungry all the time and he was still slightly too thin . it was whatever zola did to him in azanno , they all reckon now . that was how he survived the fall , that was how he was able to be so strong . he had had it the whole damn time . so he must look different , clothes hang off him differently , his face a bit gaunter .

he wonders if zander sees all that as he keeps looking at him .

" probably , no one's figured out what t'do with me yet. turns out coming back from the dead is a bit of a thing. " and they think he's a nazi now . he doesn't say that but he's aware of it . they think he's turned . which makes him feel sick to his stomach .

zander suddenly stops as they're climbing the familiar stairs up to his house and bucky nearly walks straight into him . they're suddenly so close . close enough that his eyes darken and flicker down to the other man's mouth . then he realises that he's talking to him . and he forces himself to look back at his eyes and swallows with a crooked grin slipping into place .

he doesn't feel like it's remotely his fault for being distracted . not after the five years he's had . he remembers the way that zander made him feel , how he made him laugh . of course he would think about that .

" i wanted to see you five minutes after i left ," his words are murmured , quiet so as not to be overheard , full of feeling . " and every five minutes since then . "

zander shakes his head, waving away bucky's words with a flap of his hand. "oh no, she's probably gone home to her husband by now. she just likes to check in on me occasionally, and make sure i'm doing okay."

there was a time--around five years ago, to be exact--when even the simplest of tasks had taken a herculean effort, and once alex had seen the state of his flat she'd taken it upon herself to make sure he was eating, and sleeping, and that his home and clothes stayed clean.

( he still feels guilty about that, and knows he'll never be able to repay her, but he also doesn't know where he'd be without her )

he can't stop glancing over at bucky, eyes tracing the shape of his face as they walk, his profile familiar and even more handsome than he'd remembered. "so you're staying around for a while?" that's what it sounds like to him, and he's grateful to whoever decided that bucky should stay in london instead of shipping back to america.

his building comes into view almost as soon as they exit the park, and zander picks up his pace a little, ready to be alone with bucky after so long apart. there are questions, of course, but he also wouldn't mind holding him again, making up for the years of hugs he missed out on while bucky was mia.

as they climb the stairs a thought suddenly occurs and zander turns, unsure why it took this long to hit him. he takes a step down so he's nearly level with bucky, even though the soldier is another stair below. "so in the park.. you were headed here?" his heart jumps at the thought, and a slow smile spreads across his lips. "five years, and you still wanted to see me?"

[damagedtoysoldier]

set the scene setting prompts (but a little more specific) from yours truly.

001, a convenience store past midnight.

002, a hospital waiting room at 3 in the morning.

003, a photoshoot outdoors in the middle of winter.

004, an indoor filming set of a detective's office.

005, a new house/apartment filled with unopened cardboard boxes.

006, a swing set in an empty playground at night.

007, on stage in an empty theatre.

008, inside an old abandoned house.

009, an empty cemetery at night.

010, the arrival hall at an airport.

011, the last train compartment that's not full.

012, the roulette table in a casino.

013, on the deck of a cruise ship.

014, a kitchen during a black out, surrounded by candles.

015, a treehouse in the middle of the woods.

016, on the dance floor during a wedding.

017, behind the chapel before the wedding ceremony starts.

018, backstage during the middle of a concert.

019, a crowded club during a bachelorette party.

020, standing in front of a painting at a museum.

021, a small, intimate family barbecue.

022, a gazebo while it's raining.

023, the back of an empty bus.

024, a hotel room with only one bed.

025, an empty balcony while a party goes on inside.

026, a bar just after closing.

027, an empty sports stadium.

028, lakeside while the sun is setting.

030, an empty stretch of road beside a broken down car.

031, in front of a suspicious pool of blood in an empty parking lot.

032, in the crowd of spectators during an underground fight.

033, a plane during a bout of turbulence.

034, on kiss cam at a sports game.

035, at a table during a charity gala.

036, a masquerade ball.

037, a halloween party in a suburban house.

038, the beach in the late afternoon.

039, a dressing room after a big performance.

040, exploring the depths of a mysterious cave.

[damagedtoysoldier]

his shoulders relaxed , hands shoving back into jacket pockets but his smile remains . it's the most he's felt like smiling since he managed to call his sister and tell her he was okay . "nearly walked right past ya'."   bucky chuckled , playing along with the joke that they both knew was ridiculous . he had thought about him in the quiet moments where he was kept alone with his thoughts, wondered what he was doing , which club he might be performing in , what songs he might be playing .

bucky nodded stepping next to zander and then just past him, their shoulders brushing before they slowly fall into step next to each other .   " am i gonna be interuptin'?" he had never met his sister , of course , what they had wasn't that      ( it couldn't be that . what war time romances were ? especially when it was two fellas )

as much as he wishes he hadn't just heard from the papers , bucky is all too aware that as far as he was concerned zander might've just thought that he had gone back to the states and forgotten about him . he wouldn't have been told , not until the world found out that he had 'died'    ( THE ONLY HOWLING COMMANDO TO GIVE HIS LIFE FOR HIS COUNTRY )

bucky let out a laugh ,   but it's more of a shaky breath out , looking around and shrugging aching shoulders . " got found like a month'a go, maybe nearly two . they had a lotta questions , been put up in an apartment not too far from here . 's nice , nicer than anythin' i've had before . been there about a week . "

just two words, but hearing them in that voice is nearly enough to drive zander to his knees. instead he just holds bucky tighter, fresh tears welling in his eyes as the lump in his throat makes it impossible to say anything in reply. he's not a praying man but at that moment he thanks anyone who will listen for bringing his soldier back to him.

the joke draws out a laugh (a snort, really, one harsh breath that appears as a cloud between them in the cool air) and he shakes his head. "figures. out of sight, out of mind, right?" as if either of them could ever forget the other.

bucky's question doesn't immediately get a response, zander still staring at him like he might disappear if he so much as blinks. when the words sink in he shakes himself out of it, nodding and raking a hand through his dark hair. "yeah, yes. i do. should we-?" a wave of his hand indicates the path he'd walked to get here, and he waits until bucky moves before following, not wanting to turn his back on the soldier.

(he wonders how long until he believes he's real)

as they walk zander tucks his hands into his pockets to discourage himself from reaching for bucky, the occasional brush of their shoulders enough to remind him that this is happening, it's not a dream.

"my sister was visiting, and she brought the paper," he says after a few moments of silence. "i saw the headline and i just, i came looking." he laughs at himself, at how he'd set off like this wasn't a city full of thousands. "and i found you," he adds, marveling at the fact. "how long have you been back?"

[damagedtoysoldier]

he doesn't really know what to say when zander is suddenly in front of him ,   looking as in shock as he feels , and distantly bucky wonders if he has seen the newspaper or not .   if he thinks he's seeing a ghost or has read about the rescue ----the limited details of the rescue . . . mostly limited down to that he was rescued  and nothing much else .

next thing he knows,  he's getting pulled into a hug that makes him freeze before relaxing into his hold. his wince hidden into the hug as he pulled his hands out of his pockets and wrapped his arms back around the other man . overly careful, aware of just how strong he could be now . aware of the biting metal that made up his left side.

"hey handsome."    he breathed , quiet , just for them .   hoping no one was looking too closely as they pulled away far sooner than he wanted to .

" sorry i didn' write. "  a shit attempt at a joke as his eyes stung and let a lopsided grin spread onto his face . zander still hasn't said anything and still hasn't stopped looking at him .

bucky can't help but wonder what he sees .

if he sees the bombed out but still fighting sergeant he had last seen who had headed back off behind enemy lines with his best friend and their team . or now if he saw the exhausted prisoner of war who had been trapped in the worst war in history while the rest of the world moved on. bucky thinks he looks different , when he had looked in a mirror after being rescued he thinks he does . but he doesn't know why , he doesn't know how . just different .

maybe that's because he feels different.

" you still livin' nearby? "

zander wanders the streets closest to his flat first, his mind racing too fast to come up with an actual plan. it's just one step and then another, the sidewalk moving under his feet until it eventually stops at the entrance to the park.

the park.

his brain is suddenly flooded by images of walking these paths with bucky, and that's all it takes to push him inside, his eyes searching every face he passes, looking for those familiar blue eyes, that easy smile.

he's nearly to the other side when he finally sees him, finally comes to a stop and just stares, his thudding pulse the loudest thing in the world. bucky. he almost hadn't let himself believe the headline, sure that it was a mistake, a cruel joke played by Whoever was in charge and had watched him suffer for five years.

it wasn't a mistake.

he knows that now, as he makes his feet carry him closer--slowly so as not to draw attention--and doesn't stop until bucky is close enough to touch. for a moment zander can't speak, doesn't know what he'd say even if he could, but then tears are blurring his vision and he's pulling the other man into a hug, not caring who might be watching or what they might think. it's the only way to prove to himself that bucky is here, he's back, he's alive.

when he eventually pulls away his cheeks are wet, and he wipes them quickly, clearing his throat as he takes a step back. they are still in public, after all, and he doesn't want to make a scene.

much to his surprise (and bucky's too, probably) zander is still speechless as he takes him in, his eyes searching for marks or scars or anything different, anything that sets this man apart from the one in his memories. five years is a long time, and there's no telling what bucky has been through, but for the most part he looks the same.

he's the best thing that zander has ever seen.

[damagedtoysoldier]

they had found him .

that was all that mattered really . all that mattered . his friends had not left him alone in that hell . they had not let hydra continue their work in the dark . they had found him .

( bucky did not stop to think about the look on dugan's face when they forced open the metal door expecting to find a weapons cache and instead found him. dirtied and exhausted , broken and beaten , with the metal monstrosity welded onto his shoulder )

he knows steve was still gone, lost somewhere in the artic circle, hydra had made sure he knew that . truthfully , despite that , bucky felt like he was dreaming ever since his rescue  . there had been debrief after debrief that started to border along interrogation . there had been talks of keeping him locked up , talks of keeping his rescue quiet and then , in a move that absolutely had nothing to do with his friends , the news had leaked .

newspapers , radio shows , the whole lot . all of it screaming with the story that he was alive . it was funny then , that he could still walk around without being noticed too much . jeans and shirt and jacket feeling weird after years in nothing but rags . hands shoved into his pockets just in case someone would be able to see past the gloves he wore and to the metal fingers of his left hand . ----howard was still trying to figure out how it all worked , ahead of it's time apparently. all bucky knew is that it hurt.

he's been put up in an apartment in for now , while the united states decided what they wanted to do with him. and he find himself walking streets that he once knew , when they were bombed out rubble , but were now entirely unfamiliar in their various stages of rebuild. thinking of zander , thinking of how to go about seeing him . if he was even in the same house . how does he begin to explain where he went? what happened to him? i'll write . and then he just didn't .

he's walking through a park , one he had been through a million times . one he had been through a million times with one man . when he is sure he's seeing a ghost . a whisper of a memory that his mind conjured up to trick him . it wouldn't be the first time in the last five years . how many times did he see steve, coming to save him, when he knew his best guy was dead? so many times . that must just be the same now , with zander walking down the path ahead of him , it couldn't be anything else .

five years.

the date arrives with no fanfare but of course zander notices, his mind unable or unwilling to let him forget. he always spends the day in a haze of memories--memories of desperate kisses and promises to write mixing in with whispers of i'll see you soon and i love you--all of it tangling together like the sheets on his unmade bed.

that's where they'd spent their last night before bucky had shipped out, their bodies wrapped around each other like they'd never be close enough. he'd been so confident that he'd make it back--they both had--and zander would give anything to go back in time and warn him, beg him not to leave.

instead he'd let him go, not realizing that it was the last time, that months would pass with no word, and then years, and now it's been half a decade without him and zander doesn't understand how it can still hurt this much.

"are you even listening to me?"

the voice draws him from his thoughts, his sister coming into focus in front of him, her hands on her hips.

"sorry, I was--"

"dinner with beth's family in an hour, remember? i think more of her relatives have arrived for the wedding and want to meet you."

"right, of course. i won't forget."

alex rambles on about something else but his attention has snagged on the newspaper she brought in with her, the headline making his pulse spike. he can only see part of it, but it's enough, that word only meaning one thing to him in this context. he grabs for it and feels the floor drop out from beneath him as the rest of the words are revealed.

HOWLING COMMANDO, BUCKY BARNES, FOUND ALIVE.

he's on his feet and moving to the door before he even knows what he's doing, barely hearing his sister's questions as he slips into his coat. "i've got to go," he says simply, and he's gone, out of his flat and into the street, unsure where to even start looking. alive, alive, alive.

all he knows is he has to try. | @damagedtoysoldier

[damagedtoysoldier]

no thoughts just john wick au. bucky gets refuge in a continental , works as a concierge

[damagedtoysoldier]

bucky vc : i just want the blue coat back .