I want to write an alternative version of Romeo and Juliet where instead of being a little ponce and trying to work things out for himself, Romeo asks his smarter friends what to do about the whole thing and Benvolio and Mercutio come up with the world’s greatest plan:
Marriage of convenience between Juliet and Mercutio.
Think about it.
Juliet’s parents want her to marry into the Prince’s family. Mercutio is a good compromise between no marriage and Paris.
Mercutio probably won’t get his inheritance if he keeps being HELLA FUCKING GAY ALL OVER THE PLACE so a beard is only a benefit to him.
They would probably get along great rolling their eyes at how adorably stupid Romeo is.
Romeo and Benvolio could get a “bachelor pad” right next to Juliet and Mercutio’s house. Every night, Romeo and Mercutio high five as they hop the fence to go bang their one true love.
The second half of the play is just all of them trying to keep up the charade and being “THIS CLOSE” to getting caught all the time. But everything ends nicely because true love conquers all.
“I never really felt like ‘one of the guys’ when I was growing up. I felt a lack of acceptance. I wasn’t the guy who was playing on the team, or going to IHOP after prom, or getting invited to birthday bashes. I’m not saying that I was a complete loner. I was relatable—just never enough to be included. I tried out for the football team in high school. I put everything into it. I got a trainer and everything. I was going to play, start, and become that person. But it never quite happened. And in a way, I still feel like I’m trying to get there. I just got into the grad school of my dreams. I interned at the White House last summer. I’m joining Teach For America. Part of me still feels that if I can elevate my image to a certain level, then people will be attracted to me. And I’m trying to get beyond that. I’ve been listening to this sermon lately called ‘Getting To The Core.’ And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. I want to wake up knowing that it will be OK, no matter what I accomplish.“