dancingoddess

[dancingoddess]

I once used the opening line of Sound of Silence to describe my life with anxiety during a Bell "Let's Talk" Day.

"Hello darkness my old friend", refering to me saying hello to my anxiety showing up when it does.

"I've come to talk to you again", my anxiety says back to me, giving my fears a voice in my head, usually drowning out logic or anything else.

I can't remember a time when I didn't have anxiety. As a young child, I would worry about all sorts of things. Being liked, what others thought, etc. My mother would tell me I worry too much, that if I didn't stop worrying, I would give myself an ulcer. So far, my mother has been wrong, no ulcers for me, but my almost constant state of worrying at times has manifested other health issues. Migraines. Insomnia. GERD. The inability to voice my thoughts, chief amongst other things.

I know that others might see me as aloof, because of my shyness. Maybe lazy when I try to do a day of self care. Or they see my inability to make a choice, when inside I worry which choice is the "right" one. If they could see the war inside me, the internal struggle I have with the inner demons over the small and the huge things in my life, maybe they could begin to understand. Or, maybe not.

To give a bit of background on my current bout of anxiety, the biggest cause of me being anxious is my family. People see on the outside a friendly, nice family, one that always smiles, has a listening ear, active in the community, and helps out. For me, I see people who make me feel like an outsider. If I didn't look like them, you'd swear that I wasn't related, and that I might be an enemy. At family gatherings, I feel like the black sleep, not privy to inside jokes, or I'm the person they joke about. At some point of any gathering, I'm usually in some bathroom, crying my eyes out over something said about me. I come out of the bathroom, like nothing happened, but inside, the little anxious me wonders just how long it will be before I'm either back in there, crying again, or how much longer I can be there before I can go back home.

I've tried not going to family events, using work, or illness as an excuse, but the guilt I feel after, either beating myself up at not seeing my dad, or my sister's telling me they missed seeing me, feeds the anxiety in me just as much as it would should I go.

Anytime I know that there is an upcoming family thing to go to, I go through a week of panic attacks, weird behavior and interrupted sleep patterns. Following said event, you can find me feeling drained, as it takes a lot out of me, and wanting to be alone.

The last time I saw them was Thanksgiving. On most holidays we celebrate birthdays alongside whatever holiday it is. I took my boyfriend out, because I hoped that they might be nice, try to get to know him, and maybe not pick on me so much, plus the added bonus of having him there. Instead, I was treated to another round of pick on the black sheep, followed by them not even trying to engage him much in conversation. As much as I wanted to spend time with my nieces, and see my dad a bit, at the first opportunity we had, we left, saying we would return the next day before going back home. The next day, I just couldn't force myself to visit with them, so we left for his family's dinner. I got an email stating how disappointed they were in me not coming back, but I knew if I tried, it would have left me wanting to stay home from his family gathering, and wallow in my anxiety.

Anxiety reared it's head recently after receiving an email from my younger sister, saying that they were making plans for this coming weekend, Easter. They would be coming out to visit, and hoped to celebrate with everyone, as Christmas had been a bust with me not going out there. What I got from it was that they were coming out, because I can't seem to make it out there, and that I couldn't use having only one day off as an excuse to not go and see them all. They live a few hours away, so it takes time and planning to get out there.

When I broached the topic with my boyfriend, he said in not so many words, that I should go visit at least for my dad's sake, as he is older and has a limited amount of time left for happy days. I asked him to come with me, seeing that we've been together long enough and serious enough to go to mutual family events, and he didn't seem keen on going. He said something to the sort of how he doesn't seem to feel like he's welcome there. While I get that, I don't feel welcome in my own family, it actually hurt to know he didn't want to go. Not because he doesn't like them, but because it felt like he was more than willing to let me face it alone, which makes me feel so alone. I may not always feel comfortable at his own family events, but I go, because it's for him.

My anxiety got the best of me on Monday, two days after the email. It was a day off, and I had two errands to do; visit my dad, and look into the car repairs I need. The day before I did the other running around I needed to do in order for my day to be free to do these two things. I dropped off my boyfriend at his work, and came home to get ready. I had to prepare some of the gifts I needed to take with me that day, but I couldn't find things I needed to do that. And then I just couldn't get myself to get ready. To shower, to get dressed, to do anything. The idea of seeing my dad was daunting. The idea of getting a big bill for the car was scary. The idea of going out and talking to others wasn't appealing in the least. The first panic attack hit, and there I was, crying alone.

Anytime I started thinking about going, I broke down.

I. Just. Couldn't. Get. Myself. Going.

Eventually it was time to get ready to pick my boyfriend up, so I let him know I had some panic attacks and that I was gonna pick him up.

His words to me were, "I see."

Really?

I left to pick him up. Downtown. During rush hour traffic. Driving in heavy traffic always sets me on edge. People drive too slow. Others try to cut. Pedistrian traffic. I start getting closer to his work, and notice that I'm early; it can take him a few minutes to get to the doors, and where I pick him up I can't wait there for him, so I do a square around the block to kill time. He's still not at the doors when I get there, so I have to do another round, only this time I turn the wrong way, and ended up taking longer than normal picking him up. I could feel the buzz of my phone in my pocket, and the panic of being late make tears fall down my face.

I got stuck behind a bus, more tears.

By the time I got to his work, I was in full silent panic mode. I don't like drawing attention to my tears, so I stayed silent, unsure that I would be fit to drove if I didn't. He didn't say anything as I drove all the way home. Several times, I fought tears, but a few escaped. He may have noticed, he might not have.

He hasn't said anything since.

When we got home, I saw the message he sent. I texted back, stating what happened, but no reply.

I let him have his space, unsure if he was pissed at me, or just pissed in general. As I went to bed last night, I could almost feel a rage coming from him, so I went to bed, choking back tears.

He has still not said anything, no text, no nothing.

When I mentioned this to a friend, how I'm in panic mode from having to deal with family, and now having to deal with a silent partner, they said to try to talk to him. I've sent messages via text. They go unanswered. I've said a few things here and there, no response in person.

All the while, my body and my brain are a silent war. My brain, if you can imagine has a few shouting voices, arguing to be heard. There's the voice not unlike Shia Labeouf, saying "Do it", and trying to motivate me to say something. Anything. Then there is the voice, not unlike a friend of the family that says I'll never amount to anything. That one is constantly there, nothing new. The next one is me trying to think of ways to talk to him, and imagining any possible outcome, and what I'd say to them. Think of Dr Strange in Infinity War, who saw so many possibilities of outcomes, only instead of viewing them in a blink of an eye, I see them all day, and all night.

The last one is the most quiet, but the most heard. It reminds me of my younger sisters voice, stating that it's too late, don't bother, that I'm not good enough, that he's only around to use me, like all the others. That I'll be alone forever.

That voice, is my dark friend. My anxiety. It keeps me frozen in place. It cuts my voice from speaking, because I'm afraid it's right.

I know that most people might think that I should fight, and say something, but when it comes to the fear and fight response, the fight has been mentally beaten out of me years ago, from those who have come before. Maybe my inner voice is wrong, but it's been so long ingrained in me that I can't just shut it down anymore. It's a habit I'd like to break, but I will admit it's not one I can break alone.

Work has been an absolute chore, and a Haven this week. Trying not to panic and failing, but at least I have purpose. I have to be cheerful for those I talk to, and have to be focused on each call.

As the weekend approaches, I dread going to my family thing alone, because I know he doesn't want to be there with me. I dread going to his family thing, not just because he's not talking to me, but that I don't feel entirely welcome. I dread having to put a happy outside on, while I'm feeling like I'm dying inside.

And all the meanwhile, there's a fifth and final voice starting to say that maybe I've had a good run of life, and that it's time to take my final bows.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I see you've brought another friend.

[dancingoddess]

Evolution

As a writer, I try to write what I know. Or enjoy.

I loved harlequin romance novels early. So if I wrote a story, it had sex. My grade 8 teacher applauded me when I didn't have sex in the story I wrote. It might have been one of a few stories I did during that time that didn't include a sexy scene, as I imagined them.

I was naive.

As a teen, I started w poetry. I wrote what I knew in creative prose, of love, of loss, and to purge my pain through words.

Then I dabbled in rhyming. People telling me those could be part of lyrics. Clever, some tongue in cheek, some heavy subjects.

I put my heart out there, bare and raw; I spoke of things I couldn't say about things outloud.

It may not always be pretty, but it relieved the pain.

A purage of sorts? A release all the same.

Then I decided to explore.

I online dated. A vanilla site, having some strange  dates. Some I've written on, and some I've not. At least, not yet.

I've had good experiences, bad ones, and stranger than fiction ones. All learning experiences. 

And then I wrote what would be my first erotic story.

The many ways to stimulate me. Being shy, my next stories were fantasies. Wanting to try, but never got the chance before.

Until a friend suggested another dating site. One aimed at kink.

I had fun. Crossed off some bucket list things, and learned important lessons that might have hurt at times.  Things I've written on, and those yet to be written. 

I've felt passion, intimacy, lust, and love. Sometimes with more than one person.

I've felt hurt, jealousy, loneliness, and depression. Self medicating in sex and exploring boundaries. 

Learning experiences.

Writing was a way of another release. While a bit is changed to protect the more intense and intimate moments, there are truths in my stories.

Then things changed.

Decided I needed a big break from it all. At least physically. 

I was lonely.

If I had as much sex as my friends thought I had, I'd be exhausted.  Yes, frogs and imagined princes where kissed. Maybe a beautiful lady a time or too.

But to have the intimacy of a partner who wants to be your center?

Never. And somehow it hurt the more I tried.

For a few months, I took time away from online in that way to prevent myself from temptation.  A hunger strike, I joked. It certainly was, of sorts. I had offers from new guys, guys I had never passed the talk about it, or guys who wanted a repeat performance, but nothing more than to get off.  A part of me had to rethink my intimate relationships.  Honesty. Better communication. More than sex.

A soul partner.

When I did open up myself to seeking that, I slipped, and fell off the vibrator. I thought I had learned all I needed to learn, once again life proved me wrong. More pain to the heart.

Then I met him.

The same friend who introduced me to the kink site, introduced me to him.

It's weird how things click. Here I was looking for more than a fuck, and here he was. Maybe not the conventional knight in shing armor, but one of helping me be. And deal with how life turns out.

Do I know what I'll write next? I feel like there is still a story or more to write from past experiences.  It is a matter of when I'm ready. And how the stories come out. Will it be introspective, or erotic? Sappy, or depressing? I'll let my muse, and heart at times, decide.

The neverending evolution from the girl I was, to the Lady I am now, and my writing evolution has lead me through some interesting times. I suspect that won't change, just maybe the direction. 

[dancingoddess]

the conversation has to be as good as the sex

[dancingoddess]

A good friend of mine have me this last night (she is not a top, so she had no use for them like I do). Going to try these guys sometime. I think my sub will be pleased.

[dancingoddess]

Omg.... me , haha

[dancingoddess]

People: *showering me with compliments* Me: okay but what about that one negative comment I received June 6th 2003 ? Im trash sweetie

[dancingoddess]

Good idea?

[dancingoddess]

This was in a feed from Facebook yesterday. I had posted this a few years ago, back when I was still very much heartbroken, very much in pain. By that point, I never believed good things could possibly come to me; so much had been taken away, and more still to be taken from me. Last night, I got a chance to glimpse at something wonderful; a life after the pain. The muse and I already have a start of a story to say that I hope to add to my collection here. One of smiles, laughter, and of course, kinky fuckery. All I have to do…. is believe. ❤

[dancingoddess]

The Fantasy, Part Four

314 am. Damn. She gets out of bed, using the washroom across the hall. She went to bed early, hoping that she could catch up on some much needed sleep. Guess the stress, and bladder, had other ideas. Tossing and turning, she tries to sleep, and only ended up imagining the next part of the  fantasy.... She set the alarm before bed earlier than he wanted, but she knew he wouldn't hear it. Couldn't. They joked a long time ago that her snoring could wake the dead. When they spent the night together, just sleeping, he always had a pair of ear plugs. He could sleep beside her, and not be woken up. They also put on eye masks to let them not be disturbed by any light that would unavoidably come through her bedroom window. He knew she sometimes woke up at night, and after months of sharing a bed a few times a week, she perfected the art of sneaking out of bed and not disturb his slumber. He often joked that one time, he hoped she would wake him up, and jump his bones. It was many guys secret dream to have their lady love wake them up with head.... And one she intended on giving him. He had confessed his desire of a little sexual consent non consent when they had started talking more in-depth about kink, and she only hoped he would enjoy it as much as she did. Maybe one day return the favour. She snuck out of bed to head to the washroom. After a quick shower, she brushed her teeth, and took her hair out of the bun it was in. She checked out the bite marks from the night before, smiling at his handiwork. She wasn't ashamed of the hickey bruises on her breasts; they were a sign of a job well done. If any where visible over clothes, she would have endured the remarks the guy co-workers would make over the next week while they went away. At least one coworker might give her a high five in private, and want to hear all about this. She smiled. They could wonder all they liked. Taking a deep breath, she went into the bedroom. He was still on his back, as though inviting her to come play with him. Good. Made it easier to catch him by surprise.  She settled into bed, hoping he wouldn't notice the temperature change. She snuck under the covers, and slid lower to his cock. Being not erect, she could enjoy him longer and in various stages. She licked her lips, and started to tease him. She took all of him in her mouth. Rolled her tongue back and forth on him, all of him. Feeling him get slightly harder in time, she looked up at him. Still sleeping. Maybe. Damn eye mask. She continued to tease him, during her tongue up and down him as she began to coax him harder to wakefulness. Feeling him pulse while she had him halfway through, she looked up to see a pair of eyes looking down on her. The slow recognition of what was in front of him. She could imagine how this looks to him, and a dark knowledge filled her eyes. She slid up to only the head of his cock. and teased him along the ridge, tightening her lips and flicks of her tongue. He moaned, turned on by the view. She teased him a few more times before she came up for air, smiling a smile that promised all kinds of sin. "Now, my pet, it is your turn, for being so good in indulging my fantasies last night. As the last part of my fantasy, I'm going to give you one of yours. I'm going to enjoy having you as my sex slave for a little while. And there's nothing you can do about that." She straddles him, making sure he can feel a small part of her wet pussy as she places the cuffs on him, and attaches them to the waiting rope on her headboard. She makes sure he can stay in that position a bit before she's satisfied with the results. She adjusts her position slightly, feeling his erection feel the juices surrounding her opening. "Oh yes, Mistress." She grinds against him, feeling him tease inside her lips, and she moans. Mimicking sex, she moves above him, teasing both of themselves. She does this a few times, the last time slipping him full hilt into her. She leaves him inside her, oh so tight, for a moment, revelling in the feeling. She slides up off him, inch by glorious inch. Going down on him with her mouth, she tastes her excitement on him and moans in pleasure. She licks him clean of her juices, and comes back up for air. "Mmmmmm.... I taste good on you. Would you like a taste, pet?" She adjusts again, straddling his face. At his consent, she lowers herself lightly on his face, moaning as he laps up her aching pussy. Holding the headboard for balance, she moves above him, giving his tongue access to whatever she pumped his way. In no time, she is crying above him, feeling the wave of orgasm hit her. She came violently, screaming her orgasms as wave after wave hit. With shaking legs, she gets off his face, moving in for a passionate kiss. Checking if he was okay, she notices him very hard from her face fucking. She straddles his cock again, and slides all the way down on him. Gripping the headboard, she fucks him. She comes one more time, and gets off of him. Releasing him from his cuffs, she leads him to the bathroom. She bends over the sink, telling him to fuck her from behind. He settles into her opening, waiting for her permission to enter. "Fuck me but do not cum yet. Fuck me hard, pet." At that he complies, settling a fast tone. This sets off another orgasm in her, and she cries out, catching his eyes in the mirror. He stops, sliding out of her, both breathing heavy. She turns on the taps of the shower. Once it's the right temperature, they step in. She tells him to stroke himself while she washes him, keeping himself nice and hard for her. Pressing her naked body against him, she takes the soap, and reaches around him to scrub his back. She turns him around, and continues to soap and clean his front, kissing his neck, earlobe and back. When she is satisfied with her results, she turns him around again, kissing him full on the lips. Replacing his hands, she strokes his cock as her lips and tongue travel down on his body. Kneeling in front of him, she asks, "how close are you, pet?" He had to clear his throat a few times before answering. "Close, Mistress." "Good. I want you to cum for me, pet. I want you to cum in my mouth. I want to taste your seed." With that she slid her mouth on him, continuing to stroke him with her hand. She was a few strokes in when he cried out, bursting into her mouth. Swallowing as much as she could, she couldn't prevent a few drops the slid out of her mouth, and down her chin. When he went a little slack, he helped her up and kissed her, thanking her for her gift to him. He surprised her by licking the cum off her chin, earning a throaty chuckle. "Mmmmm... very good my pet. Now let's towel off so that we don't make my bed any wetter." They stepped out of the shower, and towelled each other off. Walking back to the bedroom, she set another alarm for them both, knowing they might not get back to sleep before he left, but it would give them a chance to cuddle before he needed to leave. They chatted about the scene they did, what they enjoyed and what they could change if they decided on doing that again. She laughed when he expressed the wish to be completely tied up when she woke him up like that next time. "I didn't want to wake you should you be a light sleeper, pet," she said as she stroked his face. "Maybe one of these times, when you come visit me I'll already have myself cuffed," he said, earning a raised eyebrow from her. "Mmm... I'd like that a lot."  He sits up, and goes to find his jeans. She stays in bed, puzzled until he reaches into his pocket to pull out what looks like a black string. He places it in her hands, letting her examine the simple, yet sexy choker. "Will you wear this next time for me? It's a choker that isn't fancy, but I think you'd look hot in it, and some fishnets. Please." She holds it up, and smiles her slow sexy smile. "I can certainly do that for you." She blushes, earning a throaty chuckle from him as he goes to kiss her. "Try it on now, please." She places it around her neck, fastening it in place. He reaches for her, and the world fades away for a time, letting them explore each others bodies. This wasn't part of any scene, one to be bragged about, but a fantasy all the same. They made love, staring into each others eyes as they moved with each other, driving themselves to wonderful heights. When they were done, the alarm went off, signalling the time for him to get ready to leave. She walked him to her door, bedraggled and naked. They shared one more kiss, And promises to see each other again, soon. Locking the door behind him, She smiled. She had a few more hours until the roommate was due home. Before she tidied up the place, she could grab a few Z��s. Closing her eyes, She drifted off to a peaceful sleep... She turned over for like the twentieth time to check the time. Ugh. 507 am. She pulled off the covers, grabbed her phone and wrote down her thoughts. Feeling sleepy, she crawled back into bed, hoping for now, the muse and her were in perfect agreement that sleep was in order.... And that one day, she would get to experience this colourful fantasy in real life.

[dancingoddess]

The Fantasy, Part Three

She's at work, taking chat after chat from people, helping them support the people they are supporting.  The night is long, and the friends she usually has side conversations with have gone home hours ago.  She listens to her current favourite genre of trans music, Nightcore.  As the night goes on, and the chats are few, she daydreams of things not suitable for work....

Taking a break for a moment, they cuddled on her bed. He took off the cuffs, kissing her wrists as he did. She shivered after each kiss, feeling the effects of post orgasm high. He helped her out of her clothing, telling her he loved her nude. He kept the stockings on her, as he loved the look of them, and especially loved the feel of them when she wrapped her legs around him. When they could stand, they ventured outside her bedroom to the kitchen, mostly naked. With her roommate and pets gone for the weekend, she knew they wouldn't have to cover their bits. He was comfortable in his own body, and encouraged her to be the same. While he hunted in the fridge for the wine, she cut up some apples for a little snack. When she was done with plating some apples, he came up behind to kiss her neck and grab her ass. She shivered, her nipples hardening to pointy bits. He reaches up to cup them, and she moans from the sensation of feeling his cock against her ass, his lips on her neck, and both hands massaging her breasts. "Fuck I want you again," he growls, giving her an overload of sensation. He reaches down with one hand, running his fingers lightly against her opening. He pushes a finger inside, finding her still wet. "Mmmm.... I see in not the only one ready." He spins her around, apples and wine forgotten, and kisses her urgently. She wraps one leg around his hip, to grind against him. He helps her jump up into the counter, and she wraps both legs around him, pressing her wet pussy against him. They realize the counter is too high for him to fuck her, but he kneels down, burying his face into her wet cunt. She moans as he adds fingers inside of her, while he laps at her juices. Just before she gets to what would be an explosive orgasm, he stops, helping her off her counter, and hurries her to her bedroom. Settling her on her stomach, he straddles on top of her. "I want your hands on the headboard, pet," he says, his hard cock against her ass. He slides his hands up and down her back, giving a little bit of nails in the process. She shivers, and begs him to take her right now. He spanks her ass, and let's her know to be patient. He will, very soon. At her nod, he continues to touch and tease her back, knowing it's very sensitive to touch when aroused. Leaving kisses, licks and bites as he progresses to up the teasing factor. When he feels that she's had enough, he reaches around to find her dripping. Positioning himself just outside her opening, he slides inside her, finding the position leaves her nice and tight. Lying on top of her, he places his hands on her headboard as well, pushing himself in as far as he can on each stroke. As he feels the start of another orgasm building inside him, he whispers in her ear. "Whose pussy am I fucking, pet?" "Yours," She rasps back. She moans as he nibbles her neck. "What shall I do with this pussy pet?" "Whatever you wish, Sir. Please, may I cum for you, Sir?" "Not yet, pet. Who do you belong to, pet?" "Y-you, Sir. I'm... yours." "Then cum for Me, pet. Spasm around my cock." Two strokes later, she screams, gushing once more all over his cock. He continues fucking her, feeling his own orgasm take hold. She cums again as she feels him spasm inside her, and he bites down on her shoulder. They laid in that position for a moment, both spent from the fun. He checks out the mark he left on her shoulder, making sure it wasn't deep enough to bleed. He gives it a kiss, satisfied that he didn't break skin. He gets off of her, and saunters over to the kitchen. Picking up the plate, and glasses, he brings them to her as she was just getting up. She does a stretch with her arms over her head, rising up to her tip toes. When she settled down, he gives her a kiss, handing her a glass. She giggles. "I thought I was supposed to go get the snack. Thank you." He smiles. "My father always said, if she can get up to make you a sandwich after, then you haven't done your job well enough to deserve one." They shared a mutual grin at that.  They eat their apple slices as they chat a bit, comfortable with each others company. The banter was mild and teasing; no intensity could match after this evening's fun. She puts the wine and glasses into the dishwasher, as he rearranged her bed for sleeping. Choosing rain sounds over the music that was playing, they settled into bed, him lying on his back, and her head on his chest. Feeling him breathe deeply into peaceful slumber, she lifts her head up and smiles, plotting the morning fun that she will have with him when she wakes him up. The only question she has is, should he cum before the shower, or during?  Maybe both? She drags her thoughts out of the gutter, as she sees another chat pop up on her screen. Damn work, She sighs, queueing up her response.

[dancingoddess]

The Fantasy, Part Two

Stuck in traffic, again.  Damn trains, she thinks, as she waits for traffic to get moving once more.  Keeping an eye out for movement in the line, she decides to continue thinking about her fantasy...

Looking up at him, she felt a thrill like a shiver down her body. Licking her lips, she moans, spurring him on, just a little. " I'm sorry.... Sir. I'll be a good girl."

He helps her up from the bed, making sure she is steady before he asks her to hold her hands out in front of her. She complies, and he sets a pair of detachable cuffs on her. As he does, he explains the rules. Take off his clothes. He will then settle her down on her knees on the pillow with a towel in front of him. He will then settle the cuffs behind her back, as he enjoys her mouth. If she is a very good girl, she will get her reward. If it's too much, she needs to tell him with multiple shrugs of her shoulders. "You will shrug if you need me to back off, yes?" He asked, wanting to make sure she understood. She looks him in the eye as she tells him, "Yes, Sir". He strokes her cheek.  "Good Girl." They had many talks about what would happen next. It had been a very long time for her since she felt she could trust someone to do what they had talked about. The last one was her former Master, the one who called her his slave. He taught her how he enjoyed mouth fucking, and she was a very good pupil. The last time she attempted this form of breath play, her master got a hernia, from attempting to cum for the sixth time in a row. He had made sure both of them had been enjoying themselves, high on each others lust and other things. While she had left a lot of the past behind her, she still missed the feeling of submitting to someone worthy of her submission. She starts off slowly, taking his clothes off, piece by piece. Instead of kneeling at his feet, she stands in front of him, turns around, bends slightly over, her ass against his front, with her hands around her back. He holds her hands with one hand, the other goes around her waist, as he grinds himself against her. He steps back, and smacks her ass, spurred on to grab her ass as she shivers. "Feeling frisky, my pet? So am I." He settles her down on her knees in front of him, and joins the cuffs together. He stands in front of her, not fully erect. As he guides her head towards his cock, she licks her tongue around the tip of his head. He moans, and slides her mouth down on him as far as she lets him. Holding as much of him as she can comfortably, she swirls her tongue along him. He holds her there for a moment, and let's her back up for a little reprieve, but does not let her off his dick. He slides her back down a moment later, noticing a bit more of himself in her mouth. He doesn't keep her down long before he lets her back up to the tip, feeling her tongue licking to the ridge of his head. He moans, and starts to bring her down again, this time faster, and all the way down on him. He pushes a little bit more down her throat. She's there for a  moment, feeling the start of a gag coming on as he starts to swell in her mouth. . He holds her till he can feel the spasm in her throat, before he lets herself come back up for air, this time all the way out of his mouth. She gags a little more, but she becomes fine not long after, ready to do more play. They continue this for awhile; changing the strokes randomly. Sometimes, he only wants short strokes of her lips against the head, other times, she's taking as much as she can of him, in long, quick strokes. His hands have gathered her hair in a handle, wrapped around one hand, and the other hand stroking her face. When she almost starts to gag again while he is all in her mouth, he starts to soothe her by stroking her cheek and neck, giving a shhhing sound. He can feel the shiver run through her entire body through her mouth, and he knows he can slide a bit more of him in her mouth as she does. After another round, he slides out.  While shaking a bit tells her she's a very good girl, but if he continues to fuck her mouth that he would give her his cum for the first time by mouth, and he'd rather have her sweet pussy the first time he came in her. Separating the cuffs, he helps her up, and walks her to the bed. He pulls her in for a kiss, grabbing her ass. As the duel of tongues continued on, He slides his hand down, and lifts her leg up to settle on the bed. Using his nails to lightly trace her inner thighs, he pulls aside the panties, to find her wetter than before. He breaks the kiss to use the fingers he put inside her to trace her kissed lips. Giving him direct eye contact, she takes the offered fingers into her mouth, and mimics what she was doing with his cock a moment ago. "It's true, you do get wetter from a bit of deep throating," he marvelled, and moaned as he could still feel her mouth on him. She blushed. He links the cuffs back up in front of her. "Good Girl", he growls, as he grabs the back of her head and kisses her. They fall onto the bed, mouths feeding on each other. He sucks on her neck as he plunges the fingers back into her wet pussy, as she moans in pleasure. He increases the pace of his fingers, as he feels the build up of her arousal. "I want to hear you to beg for it pet," he growls into her neck, hearing her cry out. "Beg for me pet." "Pplease, Sir. May I cum Sir." He puts her cuffed hands over her head. and shifts things, so he is on top of her. Staring into her eyes, so wide and pleading at him for release. She begs a few more times, each time he increases the speed with which his fingers work their magic on her. At his consent, she cries out one last scream as her body spasms, and the hot gush of her pleasure releases from her, leaving his hand wet with her arousal. Slowly he brings her back down from her peak, kissing her thoroughly. "Mmmm.... very good girl. I wonder if you'll gush for me when my cock is in you." When she is able to move, he guides her to the next position. He positions her in front of the many mirrors on the wall beside her bed, her over him facing the wall. She can feel him enter her from behind, and moans as he slides his hard cock into her soaking wet pussy. He stays there a moment, enjoying the small spasms as her pussy adjusts to the length and width of him deep inside her. He runs his tongue down the side of her neck, and she moans, begging him to take her however he wished. He starts teasingly, long strokes in and out of her, but at her insistence, he starts picking up the pace. He fucks her, hard. In no time, he can feel the orgasm that's building inside him, and he growls her to cum around his cock as he tries to hold back his release. His undoing is her cry out, spasming and the hot gush of her cumming all over him. They cry out together, and cum almost in sync. He pulls her close as he slides out of her, and she faces him to give him a long kiss. Spent, they lie of her bed, cuddled in each others arms. He looks up at the mirrors, and chuckles, noticing the wet dots on the mirror from her last orgasm. "You'll have not only a wet spot, pet, but it's on the mirrors as well. Good job." She turns to see what he means, and blushes. "A job well done, Sir," she rasps. "Oh, I'm not finished yet, pet. Not even close."

She jolts out of her daydream as the traffic in front of her start a slow creep.  Laughing at herself, she takes the car out of park, and starts the snail pace out of the cluster fuck.  

End of part two.

[dancingoddess]

The Fantasy, Part One

It had been a long time for her. Months of longing for touch. To feel the fit of a cock inside her. To hear the sounds of flesh pounding against each other. To hear the cries of passion that is not her own. She was trying to be so good. Not accepting invites from other men, who weren't looking for more than a brief fling.  She had her eyes on a prize. She wanted more than what those guys offered her. She wanted all, or nothing.... And dammit, she was going to get it. It didn't mean she didn't want sex. If anything, months of celibacy had her thinking about it a lot. Different ways to spice things up, though she had lead a pretty colourful life before. What she wanted was someone who appreciated creative ideas from time to time. Maybe not all the time, but certainly as often as they agreed on.  Someone as adventurous as her, with a few ideas of their own. Making the same mistake loads of times, she never got to know the important stuff outside of the bedroom.  She wanted that now as well. To know the person, mind and body. To connect with them not through the physical, though that would be there too, but to connect on a very personal level. Intimate, and intellectual. She wanted them to know the real her. For many years, she kept a wall around parts of her that most couldn't touch. She was a complicated lady, compartmentalizing edited versions that she would share freely as opposed to those that held meaning. And hiding a lot of pain. She was tired of it. To keep her mind off of sex, she was trying to help her friends. Known as a motherly type of friend, she had a few guys she listened to about their fears and dreams. Was it to make penance for her transgressions, or to keep her mind off her own problems, she didn't know, but she enjoyed the candour she had with each guy. While she made light of her own troubles, she genuinely wanted to help each one out. One day, during a chat with one of them, they asked her what her fantasy was. To make it light, but truthful, she let him know it was herself tied up, to be used for her lovers pleasure. He agreed that it would be fun, and to have the roles switched around. She smiled as she recalled memories of being in the control position a time or two, and let them know she agreed all should consider both sides of the coin. While she loved the many possibilities of rope play and bondage, she also loved the intensity and trust of letting another enjoy the moment with her in the manner of their own choosing. To submit to her own deepest darkest desires, knowing they echoed in another. And she had to admit, being in control of the fun was a lovely thing too. A few days later, she couldn't stop thinking of the idea, and expanding that fantasy into a full night of fun, where whoever came next stared in it. Though she didn't have anyone in particular in mind necessarily in this fantasy, she knew he had to be someone she trusted, and could be someone she could be honest with. Someone she could let go with. She sat at her desk, with ideas swirling in her head.. .. At his suggestion, she would start off the night in a cute school girl skirt. The panties would be black and lacy, just like her halter bra. Black stockings would be on, her flowing hair wild. Putting on some music, she would send him the first picture of her posing in the mirror. He responded by telling her not to cum just yet, but get herself wet for him when he entered her room. She started the slide-show she prepared ahead of time on her TV. Things she enjoyed watching, and some of his favourite things. Imagining him watching her perform, she touches herself all over. Her arms. The sides of her stomach. Cupping her breasts. Playing with her nipples under the shirt. Teasing the buds with her fingers. Feeling her nipple ring, and giving it a slight tug.  Fingers up the neck and into her hair. She shivered as the sensation of tickle, tease and lust rose up in her. It had been too long since the anticipation of a scene of possibilities stirred within herself. She grabbed her vibe and turned it on. She ran her nails down her ass to her inner thighs, then the vibe, feeling the sigh and moan rise within her. She pushed the panties away, and ran the vibe along the outside of her pussy, imaging him starting to stroke his cock. She teased along the lips, wiggling in delight. Encouraged by the video in front of her, she spreads her legs, and dives her vibe into her pussy. Slides in so tight, she thinks, as she moves it in her. She slides it out, feeling her juices follow. She makes circles around those inner lips, her vibe wet with juices. She does this a few more times, getting herself wetter each time.  In the last slide in, She puts the while vibe in her mouth, enjoying the taste of her labour.

She takes another pic to send to him, warning she was ready for him. He tells her he's close, and to continue her play.

In no time she can feel herself get close to her peek. Hearing him through her door, she gets her first glimpse of him, which is enough to hit the edge of the orgasm. She can't stop the wave of the first high, and as he catches the scene, She cries out, drunk with pleasure. Her eyes lock with him, and she feels herself spasm. He watches as she screams out his name, enthralled. When it is over, he walks toward her limp form. "Very naughty, my pet. I wanted to be the one to give you your first orgasm tonight." He reached over to her still spread legs, and licked her vibrating pussy. "Mmmmmm. You're sweeter than I imagined. Good girl. I would enjoy making you cum over and over by mouth right now, but I want to see your next orgasm by my hand, and stare at you while you do it." He sat her up, giving her the glass of water on her night stand. "But for now, a little punishment is needed. Mmm. I shall enjoy your mouth in my favourite way." At those words, she jolted out of the little daydream. Inspired and horny, she put on some music, and took her vibe in real life. Being ready to be taken, she played along her pussy, already feeling the effects of her daydreams down under. In no time, she is biting her palm, muffling her moans, and cries as the first wave of orgasm hits. She carries on like this two more times, each one more intense than the last. Letting the music play one more song, she licked her vibe, tasting her satisfaction of being able to cum so hard. Putting away the vibe, she writes her thoughts down, smiling as she sat in the afterglow. Knowing this is only part one of her fantasy, she does to bed, a smile on her face.  Part one, indeed.

[dancingoddess]

Pink Shirt Day was yesterday at work. #pinkshirtpromise

[dancingoddess]

Untitled

(Wrote this a while back, before recent things occurred. The muse and I agree that it's ready to post)

I love to tease. To use my mouth. To use my fingers. Toys. Clothing. Voice. I like it all. I like it a lot.

Pin me down. Touch me. It's never enough. Tickle me a bit. Tell me how much you want me. Growl as you give me your cum, or be vocal. I love it. I want to submit. I need you to dominate enough so i submit. I want to be a good girl, pet or princess. Or a naughty one, I don't mind at all.

Let me dominate you. Call me Mistress, and I will call you pet. Let me tease you the many ways I know how. I don't bite... unless you like that. By the way... I kinda like that too.

Captivate me with your mind. Entertain me with your thoughts. Be sincere with treatment. Be polite and kind, but truthful with your words.

Respect.

Think about me when you're not with me, sometimes. Be present when you're with me, when you can. I get schedules, lives outside of our dynamic, and I respect those.  As I have mine outside you and me, I think about you.

You have needs, as do I. I believe in balance, love, respect, honesty and kinky fuckery mixed in there with the passion. We come with pasts, people who are important and skeletons in the closet. We come together with two halves of a whole.

So enjoy the feeling. Help me do too. Let our dynamic grow into whatever it might be, and communicate to me your needs in it. Yes, I have a vision in my mind, and understand yours might not match mine exactly. It's hard to know if one guesses, so don't make me. I am a pretty open minded person, so be one too.

While I switch with the right person, I am a submissive in many ways in and outside of the bedroom with the perfect person. I only want to lead on the dance floor, so let me. Otherwise, be my equal.

I'm a giving person. I would give my heart if it was asked, so I have to be careful. I hope to have someone one day be worth giving it to, just as I hope to be worthy of someone's love one day.

Explore with me. Learning, growing in all aspects is essential. Adventure with me in and out of the bedroom. Be bold, and be creative.

Know that I don't want to hurt you. It would kill me to know I did. Know that I don't want to be hurt. I've been hurt before, and therefore shy about things that remind me of it. Know that I care. I have a huge heart that has the ability to care deeply about many people, you included. Know that I am here, to talk, listen, to share however you need me to.

Know that I'm a work in progress, and help me understand if you are too. We may only be together for a moment in time, but let's make the best of it.

[dancingoddess]

Today was a stressful day, in more than one way. Stay strong, feel the fear, and do it anyway.

[dancingoddess]

Somebody that I used to know

As I was parking my car tonight, I got an email.

I thought it might have been the guy I flirt with online, the guy I call Daddy. He had promised a chat before bedtime, and I was almost home.

It surprised me to see the avatar and name of who it was.

It was the guy I have marked as Asshole. Otherwise known as my former Master. 

I met him through a job I had, almost seven years ago. Almost six years ago, we made a bargain of friendship with benefits. It has been over a year since our last texts. I remember the conversation I had with him. It wasn't a good one. It ended when I decided to write him off for good. He was wanting money to get high, not caring that I just paid off his brother in law for car repairs, and was just about broke. He used the connection against me, stating he could have easily tell the guy to stop helping me out. I was been done with his antics, and had been for a while. This gave me a reason, better than ever, to decide to no longer be under his thumb. 

Two weeks later, he texted a pic of Mr. Bean, stating I stink.  I continued my silence. Another week went by, and yet another text, This one an emoji sticking it's tongue out, like he used to send me all the time. I ignored it. I ignored the next text 6 months later, asking me if I was still a snob. I knew it was better to let things lie.

And then, a week before the anniversary of the first time we hung out, tonight, he sent an email. Still alive, it asked.

Tempted to send a sarcastic reply to him, stating I was still being a snob, or better, that this was my ghost responding to him. But I didn't.

Why you might ask? Because then I'd be sucked in. Again.

The last time I caved was 6 months after our last blow out. I'll admit I was lonely. I missed him. I missed our conversations while high, while he was talkative. I was much better than I was before, I believed. I thought that I wouldn't be sucked into the life I tried to leave behind.

I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

By the time I was done with him, I indulged his need for company while he was partying. I might not have indulged as much as before, but I gave in more than I'd like. I didn't want to have yet another relapse of judgement, and was worried that I would go further than I had, had I stayed.

On top of that, he was a jerk. He was so used to me being an enabler, that me saying no made him mean. And frankly, I was sick of his shit.

It was done.

It's a good thing too. Going through this transition between poly and the unknown, my job in limbo, my usual self would have phoned him up, and partied the pain away, temporarily. If I take the possible payout, I would have run through it, snorting and ingesting it in my system.

So I choose me. I choose to ignore this email, and move on. It's better than the alternative.

Instead of responding, I sent an email to Daddy. I took a few cute pics, teasing him a little bit, knowing he would enjoy the one of me in my lace bra.  Then I took a pic of my thoughts on the matter of the old master. I took a selfie, giving the middle finger, thinking if I sent him something, this would be it.

Before bed, I decided to write this, for myself. A reminder of how far I've come, and the road before me to go. Tucking myself into bed, I knew that one day I would forget him, but for the night, I would be thinking of the person that I used to know.

[dancingoddess]

#bellletstalkday Those who know Me, know that I've dealt with depression for most of my life. The ebbs and flows of life have taken a toll, and sometimes it's tough to be the good daughter, sister, co-worker, friend, lover. With the recent changes coming up, I've decided to use my limited time as work mom to a lot of peeps to send a message of positivity. Stay strong. You got this. ❤