dandelionbutch

[dandelionbutch]

remains utterly CRAZY to me how many trans mascs did not have gay boys for friends as kids, or simply did not notice their faggotized experiences. gay boys get called ma'am on the phone, gay boys get sexually assaulted in locker rooms, gay boys get told they can't run fast enough or lift heavy things, gay boys cultivate lots of weird private nerdy interests and become bookish and introverted, gay boys have only girls for friends and feel safest among women, gay boys sometimes are the "eldest daughter" in their families, gay boys are horse girls and spent their summers pretending to be mermaids, gay boys are used for emotional support by adult relatives and strange older men, gay boys get catcalled, gay boys have so many of your so called female socialization experiences did you not notice did you not care

[dandelionbutch]

WOOF WOOF

y'all rocking with fat beefy farmboy butches???

[dandelionbutch]

“if you take freud seriously, which i do—“ it’s 2025

[dandelionbutch]

cats and dogs

a dear friend of mine came over to watch a movie. he let me pick the film and showed up excited to see me, besides seeming somewhat sleepy.

we talked and cooked and laughed hard. it felt good.

after the movie we were laying together and i mentioned giving more than receiving as far as affection. he was tired; i was just watching him doze off under the yellow glow of my bedside light, and yet he asked me if i was asking for more affection.

i froze. that familiar feeling of being cornered like a stray came flooding back. only this time; i didn't hide my eyes or thoughts.

i confessed i'm rarely asked that question. in response i gave into his petting on the back of my head and said: yes of course.

he reassured me i wasn't squashing him under my weight. we had a segment of him using all the weight he possessed to pull my body down back to lay on top of him. i wasn't flinching besides to laugh at his antics. then we both laughed at the command he gave me of: 'DOWN BOY DOWN', which i immediately obeyed. (i blame dumb dogboy brain)

i questioned why he didn't flinch when i was pressing into his ribs; that action was deemed too much by some other people. then i felt around his ribcage feeling for the 'crack' he said was hurting him. we laughed about how his terrible sleep positions dont help.

he left for the night and i was giggling to myself when he returned to grab the ludicrous amount of weed he had showed up with

we're very honest with each other and it's obvious that's new to us

im glad we're both being brave for each other

despite being fated enemies, cats and dogs can get along

[dandelionbutch]

the giver

despite being nauseous and plagued with worry when you sleep beside me; i still wake up and hope you're there so i can rub your back and say you're good as you are

i touch you as a projection of the ways i want to be touched

'i worry i'm taking from you'

do you worry you take when you drink from a waterfall? do you worry you are taking when you sit with the trees you love? do you worry you are taking when you play each note on that guitar?

if you see this as taking, i see it as offering. i don't give you all this affection in hopes you savor the crumbs. i continue to give this because i want you to know you are worthy of care and love like this, regardless of the labels you want to force.

im not keeping score, im not tallying kisses, im not keeping receipts

i can't change the part of you that believes you don't deserve this love,

all i can do is love you, absolutely.

[dandelionbutch]

some people think writers are so eloquent and good with words, but the reality is that we can sit there with our fingers on the keyboard going, “what’s the word for non-sunlight lighting? Like, fake lighting?” and for ten minutes, all our brain will supply is “unofficial”, and we know that’s not the right word, but it’s the only word we can come up with…until finally it’s like our face got smashed into a brick wall and we remember the word we want is “artificial”.

[dandelionbutch]

roughening

i've been eating horribly, i can only stomach a few bites before anxiety kicks back in. i haven't cleaned my apartment to my satisfaction in weeks. the room has been too hot to sleep well, too bright to sleep in. work has been long but not physically tasking,

my physical and emotional exhaustion took every free minute of air i had. i'm stuffing my eyes, ears, my brain with content; mindless videos, tiktok skits, spending time with friends or strangers instead of sitting with my own thoughts or reading texts for the dozenth time.

i didn't want to listen to the truth about how upset i am. avoiding it and being in denial are easier. besides bringing up the pain goes fuckin nowhere. they just spit back some feeble apology or lie or shut off or send more messages that make me sick thinking if something were to happen to you i would be useless

it's not my responsibility to keep them alive and yet i worry it would be my fault, while actively knowing it's not. im torn

it's pathetic how much of a chokehold you have on my brain and body. it's not earned. it's not equal. especially if i think about how you don't consider me. it's more complicated than that; im sure there are so many other factors for why you continue to make jokes that are just mean comments, get too loud in the car, avoid my gaze, avoid the hard feelings, the hard things to say...or is it just you?

months ago you were considering me while i was shouldering you

i shouldn't be making so many excuses for you; swearing to my friends i'm okay and 'it's not like that'

it's one thing to process, it's entirely another to put myself in situations i'm not comfortable with for the sake of making sure your needs are met. i've been doing that a lot recently. i call myself adaptable or conjure up some therapy skill or deflect or disengage because i feared triggering you further.

this week has been a lot. panicking about putting my phone down too long and worrying when i pick it back up; you're gone

the night at the bar was really fun, we should do nights like that more.

i want to make more plans to give us things to look forward to, but i also want you to find your own things to look forward too. i want you to tell me your feelings, but i also want you to hear mine. i want to be around you, and i want you to be around for yourself.

i'm starting to prioritize myself, it's long overdue. besides;

you're not going anywhere

[dandelionbutch]

"sesbian lex" I'm gonna beat the shit outta you

[dandelionbutch]

[dandelionbutch]

It will get cold again eventually. The summer will not last forever. I’m not doomed to live in this unbearable heat for all eternity. <- said while gripping the countertop so hard that the tile is starting to crack

[dandelionbutch]

[dandelionbutch]

physi-mathematics; quantum mechanics

7:50p

well june is officially over which means i can move on with my life and stop-

im listening to watch your mouth again and all i can hear is the butterfly belting it, on I-5 heading south to the shed.

Daydreaming

i feel like everything i've done this past month is tainted with them

my pain is so mad at me for it;

i start junk journaling: it's cuz they do that

i want to try an electric guitar: no you don't poser

funny how i start to morph my-

i don't know how much of my life moving forward will be clean

im not sure i ever want to be clean

11:37p

listening to second chances again, this is a song i just found and when i say it's painful in the best way possible i mean it. god they're so fucking talented and this hurts in the most twisted, beautiful, melancholy, hopeful way i've ever experienced.

i used to beg for the pain to stop when i was a teenager. the pain i was talking about back then, i learned, never ends, it just gets better. this is a pain i had no idea existed

i feel like if had i known; i would stop whining about having no money or friends or family. thats what these songs make me think about; your pain

you told me you wrote and recorded this when you were 15, i saw a picture of you at the same time and i hope you couldn't see my face twisting

you. that sweet, scared, bug-eyed kid in a bright sweater. you wrote this pain-laced alt-rock song using a phone recorder and google docs.

i've never wanted to time-travel, i've seen interstellar and rick and morty. but im sitting here scream-crying in my own room; wishing i could go back and find you and tell you one day youll meet me and ill show you what love is and you wont be sad anymore-

fuck. nevermind, i've read Noikovs theory of self-consistency:

..which states that: the only solutions to the laws of physics that can occur locally in the real Universe are those which are globally self-consistent. This principle allows one to build a local solution to the equations of physics only if that local solution can be extended to a part of a (not necessarily unique) global solution, which is well defined throughout the nonsingular regions of the space-time.

in other words:

if you go back in time you can't interact with anything.

see also; the butterfly effect

but even though i know the rules:

i would risk it to hold you in 2018

you wouldn't even learn who i am before its too late and-

it would rip the fabric of the universe wide open. and the last thing i would do is hug you. and i would disperse knowing i did what i came to this planet to do; love.

'I'm drawn across the universe to someone I haven't seen in a decade, who I know is probably dead. Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. Maybe we should trust that, even if we can't understand it.'

12:21a end log.

[dandelionbutch]

i love fire escapes o3o

Sonya Sklaroff - Rainbow Flag, 2017 - Oil on panel

[dandelionbutch]

fuuuuck i just realized that the future idealized version of myself cant exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things. has anybody heard about this

[dandelionbutch]

the hue of a pillow

you left blue dye on my pillow, it smelled like you

i smelled it there a bit too hard. how am i still infatuated by you?

last night we went to a movie and a bar

biting tongue and biding gazes and chewing dry lips till they bleed

i felt like i had met you just that week

maybe telling my brain i never knew you is better

than being wrong about love yet again.

i wanted you so bad that night, physically.

cant begin to explain how complicated that shit is in this body

you should've listened to me

there was no shrapnel for me though

you hopped on top of a live grenade i threw

i never asked for that

resuscitation implies bringing something back from being close to dead

we both know you cant reignite what you snuffed out

all i wanted was to dance on the wicks together

you're right; it shouldn't be like this. but there is no should and i trusted you, i thought this would be different too. i told myself the walls would be worth it to bring down. you wanted to see me you kept peeking and prying, but i get once the curtain is pulled back it's..overwhelming.

you've held me better since we ended things, you seemed more considerate at moments when we're alone. you also seemed extremely uncaring at times.

the tension ripping you down the seam looks like the hot and cold i've watched you feel and say. i feel like i'm the one being ripped in two as a casualty of the split you go through on a regular basis. i knew kissing you would ruin our dynamic but i did NOT think it would do this much damage.

the worst part is this festering jealousy as a preconceived scenario of watching you move on. i know this hurts now and im still seeing you and its great

yet i know once you find someone new to drive to and i watch them look at you like that,,,i know i'll feel like you from fall of '24; wondering how they got the lucky version of you that woke up and got to work when i was willing to wait for that side of you to come out on its own terms.

i can see you now; gushing about a stranger to me and getting giddy about romantic details and how well you cooperate and communicate. and ill sit there and put on a face and say how happy i am for you and your happiness

on the inside ill worry for both of you, in the event you repeat this pattern. and ill pity myself for not making the cut in time.

just know this: i love you. its worse you get both sides of this. im so so sorry my darling, i just wanted to make you happy and i destroyed everything in my path to show you i was there.

but something tells me destruction in the wake of love is not a healthy amount.

i really want to say ill wait and hold out for the marriage pact. i want to wait for you forever, but unfortunately i am a slave to the soft animal of this body and they deserve to be held and kissed and hugged and shown off and someone out there is willing to do all of that and more, like i was am for you.

p.s.

for future butterfly if you ever find this post again:

please come get me. come kidnap me to see horses or get tattoos or see a movie and ask me out slowly this time. kiss me to a song i showed you, kiss me like you miss it. be the one to make the bigger gesture; planning fun or writing or a piano cover or a song for indigo dandie.

if you ever want to give this another chance: please just ask. i cant speak for future dandie, given his track record with the speed of life, but i can almost guarantee he'd do anything to work you into his life.

watching you fall for another wont go well, but keep reminding me what we have is special and wont decrease in value over time. that's the best thing you can do for me.

let me be a loyal dog to you, please.

[dandelionbutch]

scooter bruises

after getting back to the city from music day, i slipped on wet metal on a scooter and flew forward

the scooter landed on my ankles and shins

days ago, when i got the scrapes, i was more emotionally shaken from my day, spotted in topical dirt stains, skinned knees, exhausted and in pain all over

somehow, the scab is darker now and the bruises are visible

funny how the pain takes its time to rise to the surface of skin

that scooter to the ankle stings, yet i shake it off and ride some more

fuckin idiot

this is about to blow up dandie, you know it

these petals fold inward in the stormclouds that swallowed you whole

at this point my skin is thick enough that scabs are simply annoying

[dandelionbutch]

passenger purgatory

picked up after fleeing my home

only, i think i'm going for a ride that lasts forever

or maybe back to the home that loved me

this car is going to a pound you stupid dog

this is a final hurrah before the needle

before you sleep for good

you came, you're not mad

im still a good dog, i did good

you drove, i worried

you listened, i barely spoke

you sang, it made me so warm against the dark freeway

the way you were looking when i got excited about the show?

a piece of me broke through the fog then! and you caught it!

we got to the shed, i was safe as long as i was in your vicinity

you made a remark about me staring, i stood in the corner

i wanted to flee outside but i was scared i would run away

like the story you just told me

you apologized quickly that time

laying down to sleep, it was all too peaceful

you put your arm around me and i started fading

watch how they tend to you, this is pity

dont ruin it with your whining

this is a peaceful way to the bridge

i woke up. so it wasn't a dream.

there you were, still holding me, still looking, listening, laughing

i was gonna be okay

you're playing piano

im hiding tears in the shower

hair the same color as your 3 in 1

almost feels like our house

but it's still too quiet

im depressed

i know it for sure now

it's been creeping in for what feels like days

but it also feels like time hasn't moved

honeycomb on the floor

your demos in my brain

you feel like good you, i feel like bad me

the familiar fog is clouding my outlook again

im parked out in the woods

on the way to a waterfall

i can feel my heart changing

you're being gentle

remember me this way

in the passenger seat glowing against the green

can you see in my eyes that i love you?

i climbed and explored and ran and sang and shouted

i'm alive

i want to stay out here with you

but soon it's time to take me back

i look great in the pictures, you always look better up close

i'll be back before i know it

besides, we have a lakeshore to get to