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[dandystones]

Make it quick

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about being at funerals, it’s that when I go I’d like for my funeral to be a 24-hour affair, instead of a 3-5 day affair as we typically do in Asian culture. It’s just way too exhausting for people to staying overnight for days just to keep watch. 

The dead is already dead, there’s no point dragging out the suffering of those who are still alive by prolonging their exhaustion and giving them the deaded obligation and pressure to entertain more guests while also trying to keep it together. I’ll also make sure to cater the best food from my favourite places & have lofi/bassanova music playing in the background. Ain’t nobody gonna be crying to sad music of during final rites and shit, we ain’t having none of that. Just maybe a eulogy where we share happy memories & a simple prayer session to top it off. Everyone can have a nice meal, chit chat & get to know each other, maybe dance a little and then be on our merry way. 

If you can make it, show up! If you can’t, no rush man. I’ll see you on the other side. Honouring the dead is so much easier when you’re not forcing other people to do it. 

[dandystones]

Come as you are

I tell you this all the time: It surprises me everyday how healthy our interactions are, we have a very secure form of attachment that's both emotionally honest and safe. We try our hardest to leave our baggage at the door, we're always curious about each other, actively listen and understand each other's perspective.

Free of judgement and shame, it's uncomplicated. We came as we are and accepted each other as is. None of that "I want to change the other person" mentality that can feel very imposing, everything just feels very free - of pressure, of expectations, of fear.

I used to think I had very idealistic standards when it came to dating. I wanted someone who is confident enough to be their own person and in their identity, who could continue to live their lives and grow in their journeys as I do too. But when we came together as a pair, we could continue to grow together and work on our own independently. We would have space to be ourselves and not morph into 1 single person who can't live without the other. I don't believe in codependency or a relationship where you become so intertwined you lose your sense of self.

Maybe I had just been dating the wrong people this whole time but at some point, I felt that maybe I should lower my standards because they weren't realistic. I'm glad I didn't because now that I've met you, I know that's not true.

It's a form of affirmation for the both of us because now I know that standard is not impossible. You made it possible, you came into my life and you met them just like that.

[dandystones]

Then and Now

It's always fun to hear about other people's first impressions of you. I think it makes you appreciate yourself better when you see the best parts of yourself through someone else. Bonus points when they remind you everyday, multiple times a day all the reasons they like you and your personality.

********************************************************************

My first impression of you was that you're very precious. When we were sitting by the tower, it was really late and I was kinda tired. You were just talking away and I maybe wasn't really listening but as I sat there, I just thought you're very precious and that your feelings are important to me.

After that day, I wanted to see you again.

I don't think I've been able to talk to anyone the way I talk to you. It's a very safe kind of honesty. I like you a lot, not just as a person but also the way you treat me. You make me feel comfortable and at ease even when I am hesitant.

[dandystones]

What good is love langauges?

Recently, I've been thinking about the importance of love languages and specifically what my love language (i.e. words of affirmation) really means to me. Often times, I've been made to feel that my need for affirmation is excessive (rightfully so, since a large part of it stemmed from the lack of validation I received in my childhood). I used to crave it so much from anyone and everyone because I realized I was never taught to give it to myself until I started counselling.

I became so good at twisting my words so I could illicit the affirmation I wanted from the person I was having a conversation with, albeit much of that interaction centered around putting myself down as bait to essentially tug on the heart strings of the other person and in return they would reciprocate by lifting my spirits with words of encouragement or praise. On hindsight, that was a pretty toxic form of communication.

As I get older and had the capacity to explore relationships, I discovered that my love language remains to be words of affirmation - be it from friends or from romantic partners. It means a lot to me because it's an explicit expression of what love looks - the need to hear about another person's feelings towards me in detail or reading about it as a descriptive chunk of text so there's no room for doubt.

It's difficult when you surround yourself with people who don't understand your love language or who dismiss your repeated requests to be acknowledged. Worse, they make you feel bad for even daring to ask for it in the first place. I've come to learn that asking for affirmation or being explicit in the way you want to be loved is simply a way to express your needs and if the other person respected and cared about you enough, they'll put in the effort to meet it.

If they don't, then you have two choices: you can either educate them and help them to understand why important it is to you OR acknowledge that you deserve better than to continue surrounding yourself with said person. It's that simple.

I think that the media has a huge part to play in perpetuating this idea of what perfect love looks like - one that romanticizes relationships where you have to fight social pressures, distance or mismatched expectations for the one you love because it proves a sense of accomplishment when you eventually make things work. But I don't think that creates a realistic expectation of what a healthy relationship really looks like. In reality, relationship challenges plays out as an obstacle to be dissected at the expense of both parties who are usually not emotionally mature enough to navigate those situations in a healthy manner.

And when emotionally immature people get vulnerable, they end up looking to inflict damage not build bridges. Healthy relationships are drama-free, worry-free and doubt-free. The foundations for such relationships stem from a sense of security that both parties can remain civil and considerate about each other's feelings in all situations, formed by the trust built from honest communication of each other's needs & triggers.

I'm now re-learning that you shouldn't have to compromise yourself or your needs for anyone. In my experience, the best kind of relationships are the ones that don't take much effort for you to have your needs met, where you can be comfortably yourself in the presence of another person & still maintain a healthy level of attraction between both parties. If anything, this should be the gold standard for any relationship checklist before you commit to one.

[dandystones]

I like you a lot

Tell me you miss me, that you think I'm brazen, or that you like it when I get rough. Call me in the night and tell me you wish I was there with you so we could do brazen things together.

Tell me you like listening to my voice and that even though you've been sleep deprived, it's still hard to put down the phone. We say that we just like being around each other, hanging out and just talking. Tell me that it's the easiest thing in the world to have a conversation, that words just flow and so does everything else.

But when it's just the two of us in the car, you tell me you like making out with me and that you like leaving souvenirs on my body with your lips. You reach across my shoulder and pin me against the car seat while you let your tongue wrestle inside my mouth.

You reach out your hand and grab me by the neck to pull me closer to you. I feel my breath getting heavier as your hands roam. And when you've got me all riled up, I rub circles on your neck and chest, fighting your hold on me. I let my tongue trail down your jaw, hearing the sound of your breath get heavier when I drag my lips down your neck, across your collarbone and lower down your chest. You don't realize when I've unbutton your shirt, just so I can go further down south.

Tell me you think I'm cute and that you want to do a million things to me. Tell me that you enjoy my company, that you think i'm intelligent in ways most people are not, that you feel safe sharing your emotions with me even though you hate talking about emotions. Tell me that you could listen to me talk about anything, then tell me you can't focus on your day because all you could think about is us kissing. Ask me about my day and tell me you want to know every thought going on inside my head. Tell me that you like me enough to be considerate about my feelings, that you don't want to see me sad or make me uncomfortable so you try your hardest to stay level headed.

Keep telling me all those things because I think I like you a lot too.

[dandystones]

Wonder

For as long as I can remember, my only life goal since I was a teen was to travel the world. I was never ambitious when it came to my career and Ive never cared to climb the corporate ladder.

When I was younger, I find people don't take me seriously when I explained this concept to them. Fine, maybe they thought I'd "grow up" and adopt a more practical mindset over time. Yet I find as I age, this goal of mine only became stronger and more developed.

As years passed, people became more open-minded when I bring this up in discussions but I still struggle to find like-minded folk who specifically understand my need for travel. Recently, I was asked if I wanted or saw kids in my future.

In trying to formulate this answer, the topic of travel came up again and I realized how much I equate having children as a burden to the jet setting lifestyle I envision for myself. In trying to explain this, I was told in response "you could just hire a nanny and leave the kids to them!".

I found myself getting more fustrated as the discussion progressed because 1) if I do have kids, that's now how I want to raise them 2) when I say I want to travel the world, I mean I want to live overseas for extended periods of time and experience different cultures.

I mean a lifestyle where I'll work hard at my job and save up for year, then I'll go live in a different country for another year, come back home and repeat that cycle for as long as I can afford it. In my younger years, that was hard to do because my focus was on completing my education and paying off student loans so 2 week vacations were the longest I could do. But now, I'm in a more stable position in my career where I'm able to save up for extended periods of travel, I was so excited to finally be able to take the first step in this journey - a 6 month language exchange in Seoul.

And then the pandemic happened. That's okay though, since the whole world came to a pause and it's not just me. I guess that just gives me more time to accumulate my savings and plan for a more extensive travel exchange.

Because of the pandemic, I'm giving myself another 2 years before I can restart this plan of mine. Beyond Seoul, I have also started thinking about doing a master's program somewhere in Europe or the Nordics, like Germany or Norway. It would be fun to create these opportunities for myself. More importantly, it's also a reminder to myself to always stay curious and never settle, regardless of the societal pressures that come with being a single 27 year old female in this day and age.

The idea of marriage and having kids remains foreign to me despite it being the focus of majority of women in my demographic. Of course, if I could find a partner who is just as aligned with my vision that would be the perfect "you and me, against the world" situation. But at this point, I truly am not betting my apples on it and I guess I'm still learning to accept that.

[dandystones]

As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be. 

There are days when I get into a mood to re-read my posts, especially the ones that documented the breakthroughs in my mental health & spiritual journey. I get so absorbed I spend hours scrolling, mainly because I always wrote from the heart & when I get so into a particular topic, I’m suddenly extremely eloquent & then I forget about the things I’d express in the days after. I like to remind myself of my thought process and perspectives so that it becomes easier for me to have those exact topics in conversation with my friends.

I don’t particularly enjoy looking back on old posts though, especially the ones where I was still deep in a place of hurt. Typos aside (I really should make a greater effort to proof-read lol), my “voice” changes and it can get a little triggering. But I try to remind myself of the progress I’ve made rather than see it as the reflection of rock bottom. 

I started this blog as means of creative expression and a channel to release negative emotions way back in university, I was in so much emotional distress and was just clawing at anything for relief. That’s how I started developing my style of writing, I put a piece of my soul into it like there was no other place I had left to get rid of my pain. 

This post for instance where I talked about the weight of my childhood trauma - I was so lost and clueless, stuck in time and blinded by hurt. In reality, my past hasn’t changed; how I felt then will never change; it’s probably still how I’ll feel now if I regressed into that person that I was when I wrote that post. 

But having made all that progress in releasing the ancestral/generational trauma associated with it in the past year, I feel a sense of confidence and reassurance knowing that I’m no longer holding onto that pain. It’s crazy to think how recent this change actually is, that I’ve spend SO much of my life feeling so trapped in my past and my broken-ness. 

It’s been 10 years actually and I remember every step of the process so clearly. I had so many breakthroughs and relapses but none of them happened until I was 17. I was painfully unaware of what crippling depression felt like until that point. With a renewed sense of clarity now at 27, it feels like I’m finally seeing the big picture and how all these small and big moments of soul-crushing breakdowns fit into a healing journey. 

I guess some people start early and others, much later in life. Trauma starts in the formative years, from the day you’re born your caretakers will interact with you in the same ways they were taught to love as a child and that’s not always what healthy love looks like. Whether or not we like it, we’re always going to carry down their habits because that’s what children do - we mimic and we learn from those closest to us. We can’t change that unfortunately, and we can’t choose our caretakers. But we can change our awareness and perception about those habits especially if it affects us negatively. 

As I continue to document my learning journey with ancestral/generational trauma, I want to leave this post here. If you’re into these things, try to pick a message intuitively and see if it resonates with you. 

Here’s mine and it was creepily accurate. I know that because it’s also the only message out of the 4 piles that talks specifically about ancestral/generational trauma ♡ 

[dandystones]

Distance for distance’s sake

When I wrote this post back in 2019, I had two observations I wanted to pen down. The first was the cycle of narcissistic figures that kept recycling itself in my life and the lesson it taught me on setting boundaries, which I documented in that post. The second one was something I hadn’t quite expressed because at the time because I couldn’t quite put a finger on what the lesson was.

1.5 years later, I think I might have a faint idea? Let me give this a shot. Again, this could look like a series of coincidental events but I like to think there might be a pattern.

Since 2018, I’d been dating / talking to / developing feelings for a sequence of people who I’d noticed on hindsight were very distant - mainly geographically and sometimes emotionally. I remember telling my friends whilst facepalming that I’d always end up falling for people who were 5,000 miles away physically and that even if we had potential, things couldn’t work out because communication was hard.

For convenience sake, I’m going to put some initials here coupled with their locations:  R (Guam) >> F (SG/Fiji) >> S (KL)  >> T (Tokyo) >> V (Vietnam/Cali) >> Z (SG) >> M (SG) >> H (Texas/Tokyo)

I say dating / talking to / developing feelings because that greatly widened the circle of people relevant to this discussion  - the idea is that all these people entered my life as romantic partners (or at least in potential) consecutively, as one faded out another one replaces it as a “figure of distance”. If I had to be specific, the ways I’d met R, S, T, V were all specific to travel (I might document my travel dating stories on here another time lol) while the rest were just through online dating.

At the time, I didn’t see the pattern but in the last few months, somehow it occurred to me that that’s actually a lot of people involved in this jarring pattern and the one common denominator they all had was, no surprise, DISTANCE.

I thought that was a very obvious conclusion, but I had no idea what it meant up until recently when I’d started counselling. A major theme I had to work on was releasing childhood trauma/resentment that I was projecting onto the people around me in a bid to distance myself from intimacy. I’m sure you’ve heard about attachment styles in dating - secure, anxious and avoidant.

I was (probably still am) a classic textbook avoidant and have been subconsciously going out of my way to push potential partners away the moment I get a whiff of their intention to get intimate whether it be physical or emotional. Coming to the awareness that I don’t know what healthy love looks like and therefore don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship, I connected the dots and realized that maybe the message on distance was really about my subconscious habit of keeping everyone at a distance as an unhealthy coping mechanism to intimacy. 

My fear of intimacy is something I’ve yet to work through in counselling because we’re still very focused on the issues further upstream in my family of origin. A breakthrough though, regardless. Assuming this theory is correct, spiritually it would mean that I’ve reached the point of being able to release this blockage.  In parallel to releasing childhood trauma and its effects on my perception of family, subsequently being able to embrace and interact with them without my words, actions and intentions laced with fiery resentment (a feeling I’ve actually never known my whole life btw), I’m hoping this realization would also help to break the cycle & eliminate the need to have “figure of distance” in my dating life moving forward. 

I will end this post the same way I ended the last one - with hope and with the following: Everyday still feels like a challenge, but I get it now when people say it gets easier.

[dandystones]

Peace

By default, we think that in order to be at peace, you have to be a state where there is an absence of conflict. But true peace comes from within, irregardless of the environment you were in. 

Perhaps growing up in a chaotic household I never understood how this was possible, I have always blamed my surroundings and the people around me for robbing me of my sanity. And while that's normal of children who grew up in dysfunctional families, it only proves that we are but a byproduct of our upbringing in all the healthy and unhealthy ways.

It takes alot of self awareness and even more self-control to change your responses to unfavourable situations, especially when you're used to reacting in a specific manner. 

And so, two takeaways from one of my first few counselling sessions that I’ve been making an effort to internalize & practise are: 

1) to constantly reaffirm myself that I'm not responsible for someone else's unhappiness 

2) you are always in control of your response.

Of course, to be able to alter one's behavior is but a long term goal and starts with building healthy coping habits in stressful situations, rather than relying on external sources of validation from your environment. Religion & spirituality are two realms that have been a great help to re-enforce my inner state of awareness so I learn to seek that validation & control from within. 

These days when I wake up, I start the day with gratitute & prayer to remind myself I don’t always have to be in control and that’s okay, because good things will still come and we can appreciate the timing at which they do. With this change in perspective & lifestyle, I feel a huge sense of relief and trust knowing that my faith will carry me through till the end of my days. 

[dandystones]

City of in-between

A whole year late but I’m finally penning down a post dedicated to my travels in Stockholm. Here goes.

Lonely in a big city - that's what I loved about this place; that vibe. 

Maybe that speaks more about me than it does about Stockholm but somehow the memory that left the greatest impression was actually the short walk between our Airbnb to the train station. It was about 10 mins and we often had to trudge a little because it was sloped. We visited in the beginning of winter so the cold air would also make us walk a little faster when our legs and faces start to freeze. 

Despite that, it was always a walk that brought me peace. There were tiny offices and supermarkets peppered around these short, dull-coloured European apartment buildings. I loved admiring their exteriors and the spaces within that their windows exposed though. You could see into houses and offices most of the time and they almost always look like what you’d expect to find in an IKEA showroom.

We'd chosen to nestle our temporary home in a residential part of Stockholm called Reimersholme, it was a little island off the main city that only had one entrance & exit via a bridge.  

It was quiet, but not silent. People here walked with a conviction, like they had some place to be and it’s easy to feel out of place if you’re just strolling aimlessly towards your next tourist destination. 

Somewhere in Stockholm, someone's probably walking their dogs. There’s so many of them everywhere, tiny ones on a leash bunny hopping along the cobblestone streets. People take them everywhere - shopping in malls, dining on the streets, strolling in the parks. It was these little moments of joys that made walking around in the cold more enjoyable.

Public transport was expensive, perhaps it was the fact that we were tourists and weren't able to buy day/week train passes. But that's okay, we'd heard about their unique subway stations designs that made train journeys feel like a walk in the museum. Somewhere in Stockholm, someone had taken the time to colour its interiors to make it look like a beautiful, modern cave. It was pretty novel.

In the city center itself, it was buzzling. It was probably the only place that buzzed with excitement that was close to what we had in our shopping streets here. Maybe it was the fact that it was Christmas, or maybe that’s just what shopping does to people. 

Though, if I had to pick my favourite place it would probably be Gamla Stan. As a testament to that, we actually came back to this place 3 times over a period of 5 days. Aestheics wise, it was stunning. The floors were lined with cobblestone and in the epicenter were these vibrant, old-town apartment buildings adjacent to each other that housed a Christmas market as well as a plethora of traditional shops. 

There were also plenty more to explore in the tiny streets that branched out into more hideouts, cafes and novelty bookstores. It intrigues me as to how many sides of Stockholm you can find within walking distance of each other, one thing that have in common is that all of them have a tendency to look both modern yet stuck in time (almost, medieval at times).

It was a city with an interesting balance, a city of in-between - lonely but friendly, fast but not too fast, modern but traditional, safe but not comfortable. I can’t quite place my finger on it. 

When people ask me now “what’s the first place you’d like to visit once the pandemic is over?”, I can’t help but think “Sweden”. I’m not sure why, at the time I didn’t feel like I was particularly connected to this place. Sure it was beautiful and I think about my time here so much, much more than any other country I’d visited. Perhaps it was the fact that things and places and people always feel a little different in a memory, like its untouchable in a safe bubble inside your head. Or perhaps it was because it’s the last place I’d ever travelled to before the pandemic kicked in. 

I do miss Sweden, and just travelling in general too. I’d made it my life goal to travel the world and in everything that I do, whether it’s building my career or planning my life, I havent found anything else that I wanted as much as being able to experience different cultures and lifestyles for extended periods of time. Sometimes, when I talk to my friends who tell me they’ve given up on the idea of travelling because they want to start a family or “settle down in life”, I struggle to understand why it has to be an either-or situation. You can have both and not feel like you have to sacrifice your wants to acheive your goals. Goals change and sometimes they stay dormant until you decide to want it again. It doesn’t always have to be an all-or-nothing situation. 

Being in this pandemic has made me realise I can survive without travelling. It’s a little empowering to know that when you lose the thing you want the most and it doesn’t cripple you, maybe then you’re going to be okay. Because you know, you can always try it again someday. 

[dandystones]

6 months of self discovery

I've been on a break since last July having left my job because of contractual agreements - a timely scenario considering I'd planned to study overseas the same year. Of course, with the pandemic that plan got shelved. For the last 6 months, I'd been enjoying a lifestyle that involved no time restrictions at all. It allowed me to try new activities (i.e. bouldering, watercolouring, painting, playing nintendo games, cooking), indulge in old hobbies (i.e. watching Netflix, playing board games, sewing, exercising) and of course hang out with friends and family.

Honestly, it's been really fun and I even joke with my friends saying "I think I've found my calling, I think I should just be unemployed" LOL.

That said, I've been toying with the idea of going back to work in the new year because frankly, I'd burnt through alot of the savings that I'd initially set aside for my study abroad plan. I'd been approached with several opportunities over the last 6 months to interview for roles however none of them came to fruition. I just took that as a sign that God had other plans for me.

As I was deliberating on this, I'd been approached for a specific opportunity back at my old company but in a different team. Something felt different with this one (you could say it was a gut feeling) - through all the interviews and interactions with the team, I really liked what they stood for, their values, their outlook on work and the work they did. Thankfully, I passed all criterias & they offered me the job!

Which leads us to now, I've been praying to God & asking for guidance on what else I should get done during the last few weeks of my freedom. I did get some answers but that aside, I started to realize that the reason I'm doing so is because I've some pre-conceived fears about going back to work, hence the need to complete some form of to-do list before time runs out on me.

I realise it’s not the idea of doing work or having a job per say, but that I am afraid that I'll revert to the person I used to be;

someone who had her priorities reshuffled;

someone who took her health for granted;

someone who gambled her wealth in exchange for material happiness;

someone who gave her time to strangers and people she didn't feel connected to and felt resentful she wasn't getting anything in return;

someone who grew inpatient because she didn't have any time to herself;

someone who felt like she had to force herself to be around the people she really cared about when all she wanted was to be alone;

someone who forgot what compassion was;

someone who was so driven by fear and ruthless in pursuit she carried it all inside her and had no way to release it.

That's my biggest fear coming into this new role. It's something I've committed myself to changing, something I've prayed to God about saying if this is the thing that would steer me away from Him and the priorities that He has set for me, then I don't want it and I'll be accepting when He takes it away. So this is my declaration, I'm hoping if I put it out there in the world (on the internet), this commitment becomes a little more real and I won't be tempted to go back on my word.

I'm keeping my proverbial fingers and toes crossed.

[dandystones]

The Mother Wound

“When you grow as old as I am you can’t any longer say this was someone’s fault, and that was someone else’s. It isn’t so clear when you take a long view. Blame seems to lie everywhere. Or nowhere. Who can say where unhappiness begins?” - When Marnie Was There.

A new goal I’m working towards recently is watching as many Studio Ghibli movies as I possibly can. I’ve never actually watched much anime growing up, but my sisters have always talked about the beautiful cinematography & stories of Studio Ghibli productions. Now that I’m on a break, I thought what better to watch than the gold mine that is Studio Ghibli films.  

I must say, I’m quite enjoying it. So far, I’ve gone through Spirited Away, Kiki’s Delivery Service, Howl’s Moving Castle, Princess Mononoke, Totoro, When Marnie Was There, Ponyo, The Tale of Princess Kaguya & From Up On Poppy Hill. They’re all so deep, dark, cute, retrospective in their own ways. I must say, I really did enjoy Spirited Away, Kiki’s Delivery Service & Howl’s Moving Castle for their furry / fantasical / inanimate characters but the one that struck me the most was definitely When Marnie was There.

The theme of ancestral or generational trauma in the movie is something that struck really close to home. The part that left the deepest impression was how it protrayed generational trauma being unknowingly passed down through one’s family of origin when we’re not careful to be self aware, leaving our children to carry its burden in this life and the lives of those they would subsequently create.

As a child of both parents who were children of emotional neglect, all of us as offsprings within our family of origin struggled to understand what healthy love looked like. We never saw it in our parents, grandparents great-grandparents during our formative years and we passed on our version of what love is to the people around us. We carried those feelings of inadequacy in our bodies, buried so deep in places we're not sure how to release it. Ultimately, it gets projected in the way we raise our children, the way we talk & interact with them.

As 2020 came to a close, counselling brought me plenty of affirmation and understanding about how the generational trauma in my family might look like - through the continuous analysis & observations of childhood stories and life events that my parents had shared over the years. It's very eye-opening and a little heart-breaking to see all the ways they never felt loved and how it ate them up on the inside. It also brought me great relief to know that there is a reason and process as to how my parents became the way they were; people I'd spent my whole life resenting because they couldn't meet the idealistic expectations of perfect parenting that I'd projected and hope they would be. It helps me to take their actions less personally and really look at their intentions - they always care, they just never really know how to show it, and that may never change.

I've been thinking alot about my personal goals for 2021 and through counselling & other bouts of clarity, I've been guided to what my counselor calls "my spiritual mission":

- break the cycle of ancestral/generational trauma by effecting positive change in my family

- learning to communicate more effectively & helping people to feel heard & release their negative emotions.

My counsellor's goal for me is to become a counsellor myself within my family - to enable them to talk about their feelings more often instead of avoiding them like they've always done. She says that while it might seem like alot of pressure & that I'll have to be extremely patient, it's also all very exciting.

In many ways, I'm thankful to have this deep mutual understanding with a professional who is as invested in my well being as I am and who expects zero reciprocity in return. It's freeing and something that I wish more people acknowledge as a true benefit of being in therapy in our society.

As I end off this post, I wanted to leave this quote that brought me much clarity and is pivotal point in my spiritual journey thus far. My hope is that many more will realize that this obscure concept of ancestral/generational trauma is and could be the biggest source of unreleased resentment and regret in our lives, especially for folks who never grew up with healthy, secure parents.

[dandystones]

Silver Linings

The grand plan I had in 2020 was to enroll myself in Sogang University as a Korean language student (after my 2 year contract with the big G ended in July), move my ass over to Seoul for half a year & finally tick that item off my bucketlist! Back in Jan, I'd already started looking at houses and preparing for the application process but obviously the universe had other plans lol.

Come July, I chose not to go back to the safety net life at the big G had created for me even though I was offered another role in the same team. I know financially that's not a luxury that many can afford to have especially in a pandemic, so I'm grateful to have the freedom of choice to take a break in this time to work on the other aspects of my life.

When 2020 first started, I remember feeling like the coming year was going to be one where I learn to let go of all the things that weren't good for me. Seems like my intuition got that right.

If I had to describe 2020 with 1 word, it would be: transformative.

Its been a transformative year in which I was made aware of all my unhealthy behaviors stemming from unresolved childhood trauma and resentment that was projected onto the various aspects of my life; a year I realised I had my work cut out for me when it came to rebuilding the love I had for all the things I took for granted - my career, my family, my friends & my health; learning to re-prioritize all my relationships so I can draw better boundaries for myself. I'm so thankful to be in a position where I'm able to get the professional help I need, to be able to slow down and appreciate all the progress that came from it thus far.

There's alot of details I'm skipping because this post will get too lengthy but 2020 also brought about an unexpected death in the family and a sexual harassment case I was directly involved in at the workplace. There were many takeaways from those two incidents but if I had to summarize a few, it would be not letting hardships harden your heart & learning to forgive your family.

2020 hasn't been a breeze but trusting in God's plan & timing has brought me so many silver linings 🤍 This new year's day, I'm feeling excited and hopeful for 2021 - keeping my heart open to an abundance of new beginnings & breakthroughs, reminding myself that I'm worthy of clean emotional spaces and that there is always more to learn in my healing 🤍

[dandystones]

Heal at your own pace.

Some days you just try to remember where it all began, you grasps at straws hoping that something can distract you from realising how broken you are. Whenever anyone used to ask me if I had any regrets in life, I usually have none to speak of. Lately I realise that's not true. I have many regrets about all the potential relationships and friendships that I've ruined because of my unhealthy behavioral patterns.

Mourning for those losses and learning not to blame myself because I didn't know better has been trying, albeit important nevertheless.

Amongst all the wise things my therapist have said, two things that stick out are: “nothing in life is a coincidence” (read: trust in the timing of the universe) and "be patient with yourself". 

Some progress is still progress. 

[dandystones]

Journaling my way through therapy

Just a couple of pen sketches & scribbly notes from my very first therapy session of 2020. It's been almost 3 years since I last "graduated" from therapy but here I am, back at it again.

Funny how someone you've never really met or known can change your life completely by helping you to become more aware of your unhealthy behaviors & where in your upbringing they stem from. Therapy is never easy but I know it's a step in the right direction for me at this point in my life.

Ready as one can ever be 💫

[dandystones]

Bahala na (Come what may)

Lately, I’ve been grappling with the realization that I have many deep seated fears within me that I cannot keep turning a blind eye to. 

It’s easy not to face your fears, you bury them so deep and until you think you’ve blocked them out completely. And for the most part you go about your life and you function normally. Consciously you try to avoid any situation that you know could trigger your emotions but the truth is, you can’t always know what’s about to happen. 

Recently, I’ve had 2 fears that I know I’ve been burying for awhile re-surface - fear for my health and fear of intimacy. In fact, they’ve bubbled up in such crippling manners that I feel compelled to seek professional help. In the grand scheme of things, it’s probably not a bad thing. I’ve actually been toying with the idea of seeking professional help for a month or so now, but I always squash it because I was afraid of the can of worms I was about to open. And of course, when you ignore a sign, the universe or the God you believe in will just send you more. 

I think, that’s where I was - waves of panic washing over me, anxiety flowing through my whole body, sending my brain into overdrive with overthinking. Therapy is difficult, I’ve tried it twice before and can say they’ve worked wonders but it’s hard to keep it together when you’re going through it. 

Come what may, it seems to be the right decision now. I almost feel like the next stage of my self discovery journey has already began. I’ve decided not to go back to my previous counsellors, but through a friend’s recommendation sign up for a new church counselling program she’s in. 

You know I’m going to start writing about it as soon as it begins. But until then, I guess I’m just putting this out there so you’ll know what I’m about to go through and as a means to keep myself accountable now that I’ve materialized this. 

[dandystones]

Lola and Mister Scarecrow

(This is a series of drabbles I started many moons ago but took forever to decide if I wanted to do a follow up, guess I’ll be doing it from now. You can read the rest of it here.)

February faded into reality as leaves started to sprout from the branches, in bright splashes of green and orange. Lola sauntered through the fields with the sun overhead; it’s been awhile since she last saw the light over the horizons. 

She was just starting to get used to seeing a white fluffy blanket outside and watching tiny specks fall from the sky. When she used to go outside during the winter, she’d always struggled to keep her mittens on because she wanted to touch everything. “You’ll get frostbites, honey”, Mama would say. 

But now as she heard Mama’s voice in her head, Lola thought to herself, “you can’t get them if you already have the cold running through your fingers”. 

She was referring to the IV drips that she’d get back at the hospital, the doctors say she needed them to get better. Otherwise, she can’t go back home any time soon. 

It didn’t hurt much, except when they would put the needle in. It was mostly just cold. When it gets too much, that’s when she would tug the needle out. The nurses always struggled, eventually they resorted to hot baths to soothe her nerves. 

Lola doesn’t like the cold very much, but coming out for a walk in the fields that morning was the nurse’s idea. Lola was always staring out of the window from her hospital bed, looking for a “Mister Scarecrow” so the nurse thought it’d be a good idea for her to get in touch with nature for a few hours. 

After all, she had been institutionalized since December and haven’t left the hospital grounds since. Her mother would come visit her everyday at noon, bringing steaming containers of her favorite foods in an attempt to get her to eat. But Lola would only sniff them. 

She would try to entice her with new stories about Mister Scarecrow, the wooden scarecrow figurine that her husband had made to keep the birds off their vegetable farm. Lola seemed to like him a lot. 

When she used to live at home, she would always pay him a visit as she helped her father water the plants he guarded. And when it was too cold and dark outside, she would always watch Mister Scarecrow from her room at night.