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[dangerousanddisquieting]

was practicing couples shots a few weeks back, never posted it here sooooo

kisses?

find me on twitter

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The moment in the Raven king where Higgins calls Andrew breaks my heart. They are talking about the man that abused him and broke him deeply since he was SEVEN (HE WAS A BABY) and everyone is like « what have you done » When Andrew said « what makes you think this is my fault ? » and Wymack basically said « it’s ALWAYS your fault » it broke my heart. The ONE time something wasn’t his fault, everyone assume it still is because of his apathy. And it probably get in Andrew’s head, he’s probably thinking in a way or another that IT IS his fault after all.

It just makes me cry so much

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the most intimate thing you can do is bathe someone when their hands are covered in trash bags because they got tortured by the mafia

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i have many talents, including (but not limited to):

rereading all for the game

talking about all for the game

zoning out of conversation to think about all for the game

reading fanfiction about all for the game

memorising quotes from all for the game

crying over all for the game

linking almost every song i listen to to all for the game

being in love with characters from all for the game

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jeremy's favourite nickname for jean is bonbon, because it's similar to how bean would sound if it rhymed with his name. i will not take constructive criticism on this.

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a lot can happen in a couple of months

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Some things Neil has said to Andrew that are better than ily:

“If it means losing you, then no.”

“I think it’s better this way, with you as the last line of defense. You let us run ourselves into the ground and clean up behind us. You play the game like you play life. That’s why you’re so good at it.”

“The next time one of them says you’re soulless I might have to fight them.”

“This isn’t worthless.”

“I knew I’d look out for only me when the world went to hell. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to go back for you.”

“I’ve said all year I don’t swing and I meant it. Kissing you doesn’t make me look at any of them differently. The only one I’m interested in is you.”

“Thank you. You were amazing.”

“It’s always yes with you. If you have to keep asking because - I’ll answer it as many times as you ask. But this is always going to be yes.”

“Choose us.”

“I am not a pipe dream. I’m not going anywhere.”

Some things Andrew has said to Neil that are better than ily:

“You are a pipe dream.”

“Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to.”

“We were almost to the interstate.”

“Ninety-two percent, going on ninety-three.”

“You aren’t going anywhere. You’re staying with us. If they try to take you away they will lose.”

“I have to go. I don’t trust them to give you back.”

“No,” Andrew said, and Neil’s hand froze a breath from Andrew’s arm. “That’s why.”

“I’m not as smart as I thought I was. I know better than to do this again. Perhaps it’s the self-destructive streak in me?”

that silence after Neil says “except you” in the epilogue

(“It’s just yes.”)

And this list doesn’t even take into account the things they’ve done for each other that are better than saying ily, because if it did it would be as huge as my love for Nora and the way she wrote them.

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600 followers!! Just wanted to drop a quick thank you to y'all!!! :D

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Running from the ghosts of your past, Nathaniel?

(aftg-tober day 7)

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I would like to hear more of your opinions on fandom depictions of Neil, if you don't mind! Your post made me realize some things I wasn't even aware of when reading aftg fic!!

Yeah sure I have a lot of thoughts on this. I think this is an overall fandom issue and not just an aftg fandom issue, but the feminization of neil as well as the ironing out of his personality to make it more palatable is definitely a thing.

I've noticed in a lot of fics hes a lot friendlier, a lot less distrusting, and a lot more oblivious. I also noticed the amount of demand for vixen neil, and neil in dresses and skirts and crop tops, neil crying and being vulnerable isn't a challenge on traditional masculinity because andrew and the other guy foxes don't receive nearly the same amount of demand.

There is heavy emphasis on people wanting not just neil but andrew to be softer, and while that's okay, it's important to remember the moral of aftg is that trauma makes some people hard, and intense and not traditionally likeable, and that those people aren't broken and don't need to be fixed. So when people just, ignore that and make andrew and neil a lot softer, neil always sitting in andrews lap and other things, lots of expressions of PDA, and other out of charter moments, it erases the idea nora was trying to convey.

I've stated before about how the fandom also often doesn't mention body hair but when it does its andrew having facial hair and neil having less typically, but also there is usually emphasis on andrew having a deeper voice than neil, who sometimes gets written almost as whiney and petulant or pouty.

-nsft text below-

I also think there is an overall lack of understanding of mlm culture in fandom which is largely a women's space. I won't go into detail here but how pwp is written (especially a lot of the trans andrew or neil ones) are not with a mlm gaze in mind, after all if it was proper gay porn then only mlm would be turned on by it, but the consumer in mind isn't mlm at all, both because the authors are almost always not mlm, but the readers aren't as well. There is emphasis on neil being more vocal and whining, mewling, whimpering, and moaning, all common in how straight porn treats the woman, while andrew is emphasized in being a lot more quiet, maybe grunting and groaning.

Lingerie is not common in gay porn outside of fanfiction, jock straps?? Thats a thing thats a huge thing, but in all the pwp I've seen of them in their exy gear I haven't seen it mentioned before, not a cup or jock strap or anything like that.

Neil is also the one being put into the lingerie and there is emphasis on him feeling pretty rather than handsome and him being petite and slim rather than a bulky athlete

There is also an overall lack in realism in preparation and dynamics that are physically impossible or unsafe but thats a whole other thing.

This is just off of the top of my head, I can get into the fetishization of trans andrew fics another time thats a whole other thing, but yeah this is just my unprepared thoughts and observations I've noticed.

Fanart also tends to lack the men having bulges, i respect trans hc but i have possibly never seen a flaccid penis in running shorts neil is wearing. They don't go away they sit there and take up space.

-end nsft text-

I have more to say when it comes to the dealings with trauma in fanfiction but for another time. I also have a huge rant about how fanon deals with the race in fics, both nickys canon race as well as the fanon everyone else's race

Overall, people can write what they want to write, and fiction is fiction and i cannot stop anyone from doing anything, and people can interpret the characters how they want. But when writing fiction, the authors own biases can slip though, the charters are written by them after all. An author who writes a torture scene isnt someone who has done that, but an author who writes let's say nicky as even more predatory, slutty, stereotypically gay and "ayeyeyye" in fanfic is unknowingly being racist and homophobic.

A person existing in real life fitting steryotypes is one thing, I've been told like once a week that im stereotypically gay since I've been alive, and have been under a lot of fire for being both "too mexican" and "not mexican enough" but an author who is not mlm and is white can still fall into these pre conceived notions they don't realize they have. There is no such thing as a real life queer couple being heteronormative, but someone else writing one can be because they're not real people, they're characters.

Why does this dynamic appeal to you? Are you projecting? In what way? Why do you think x character is more passive and y is more aggressive? Are they like that in canon ?

When quarantine started I threw myself into aftg even more, but quickly became depressed and felt gross and watched, I felt lonely as an mlm and isnt white in a dominantly white wlw/wlm fandom. Most of tumblr is queer white women dominant tbh, in the same way its American dominant, and fandom is like that too. I still have a hard time talking to my friends who aren't mlm about fandom stuff sometimes because I will tell them something bothers me and I'm not sure they understand or take it seriously. I was so depressed because my personal escapism was making me feel worse.

My depression has gotten better since then, but I still get very uncomfortable with the word "twink" being applied to not just neil, but now any queer man, especially when not said by someone mlm.

Okay I'm gonna stop here lol this was a longer ramble than planned. Ah. Don't cancel me don't twist my words I swear I don't care what others do this is just my observations

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Andrew saying he's allergic to books >>>

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Neil 🤝 Me

Fucking hate vegetables

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I love Neil's "i'll always have and be nothing" speech so much, like another lesser book wouldn't bother to offer an explanation for why its main character is making decisions that he knows full well put him in danger. i've read so many books and seen so many shows and movies that just allow the main character to be ooc for the sake of plot, but in AFTG neil's motivations for making the choices that he does are hugely tied to who he is and what he wants and what he's been through. The tension between what he knows he should do to survive and what he needs to do to live is a huge part of the series and i love it so much

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Kevin being sad that Neil will apparently die before he can make Court kinda hurts tbh,,,, like Kevin does care just in his own little Exy way. And he says he's still going to do their night practices even though it won't get Neil to Court? Like bitch he cares so much I love Kev

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NOFACE NATHANIEL

(happy halloween, I was gonna make this the last one of my AFTG-TOBER, but I got impatient and just did it last night instead.)

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i just really like andrew and i need to draw him everyday

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"'He started it,' Neil muttered into his tortilla."

BABY BABY