danideservedbetter

[danideservedbetter]

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve updated, but I’m very happy to say this semester was my best one yet— I made the Dean’s list, and I’m going into my senior year optimistic and joyful. I’m going to try and milk it while it lasts 😂

[danideservedbetter]

Day 431

I’m headed home. I suppose the fairy tale had to end sometime lol.

I’m hoping things are settling down for me and that I’ll be able to use this week before school as a sort of transitions et period into the next phase of whatever this chapter is. Hopefully I’ll be able to find myself artistically in the meantime and be able to succeed this semester.

As always, I’ll keep y’all updated!

[danideservedbetter]

Day 410

Financial aid got denied. I don’t have a plan. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

[danideservedbetter]

Day 398

Just finished up my financial aid appeal for next school year. I really, really, really hope they understand how much I’ve struggled this semester and how good I can really do, and reinstate my aid. I really just wanna finish college lol.

Other than that, still doing fine. It’s been really nice weather. Only thing is I’m in a lot of pain from being on my feet all the time and idk if it’s my job or my disorder 😂

[danideservedbetter]

Day 378

Wow okay uh. Hot minute since update but I’ve started work and. Just wow.

Lots of different things happening. I got vaccinated!! Driving expensive cars!! Met the CEO!! People love it when I say y’all!!

IM WRITING AGAIN!!

Things are a whirlwind at the moment but gosh. It’s so. Peaceful here. And work has its stressors but like. It’s nothing compared to being destitute and disabled and feeling unwanted. It’s kind of sad that summer seems like it’s gonna end so soon already, I don’t wanna leave! Even my coworkers are really great— they’re all older guys but they don’t creep me out or anything. They all have daughters or grandchildren my age so they’re like fun grandpas lol. Even my managers are really down to earth!! It really sets the tone in the work place I think, to know people like that.

I hear it gets cutthroat and stuff but I’m not here for the money so that much doesn’t matter. I’ve already made more in four days than my dad was giving me in a month, so for the first time in actual years im not worried about food or my electricity. And since i know im going back to school in the fall (pending my financial aid restrictions), im not worried about what happens when summer ends.

For the first time in my life, I feel tentative stability and it’s all my own.

More updates to come and hopefully more improvement, but for now have a mountain:

[danideservedbetter]

Day 370

Just wanting to let y’all know I made it. It was an uneventful drive but I don’t know how y’all westerners do this 😂😂

I’ll do better about updating too since my living arrangements are much more stable now. I will say though that this is the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. And like I get to work here for three months??? Unreal.

I’ll keep you guys updated but gosh now that I’m back on track I sincerely hope things start looking up. I hope to do some art too!!

[danideservedbetter]

Day 365

I’m not sure what to even say upon making it to this point. I’ve progressed in a lot of ways, and in a lot of ways I’ve ended up right back where I started. I’m healthier than I was a year ago. Stronger. I’m not sure that I’m happier, but I’m not miserable anymore. I still feel like I’m being forced out of my home, it’s just that this time nobody’s wanting to acknowledge it. But this time I’m also willing to go.

I feel like I’ve lost parts of myself I’ll never get back, but I’ve discovered lots of new ones that I like and took care to save at least some. I’m hoping that one day I’ll be in a place where I can genuinely say I’m fully happy again, and that I never reach as low a place as I have been the past year.

I can’t say much more because I have a long, busy day ahead of me trying to pack in order to leave West tomorrow. I’m moderately terrified and out of options, but I guess all I can really say is that I hope things get better from here on out, for all of us.

And thank you for sticking it out with me this far <3

[danideservedbetter]

Day 364

Well I’ve been hard at work the last few days applying all over the country and,,

I GOT A JOB WITH HOUSING

It is,,, clear across the country 😅😅 Which. Is probably terrible timing considering the price of gas. Idk how I’ll ever scrape together the cash to make it but gosh if I can get there it sounds like a miracle. I’ll keep you all updated but. I’m really just hoping more than anything it ends up being the change I needed that school couldn’t be due to my illness

[danideservedbetter]

Day 361

So not only do I barely have anything to my name, my mom sees fit to steal the change I do have in my car for emergencies without telling me because she sniffs it out like a bloodhound and I can’t have anything because why would I?????????????????? This really doesn’t help my trash self esteem of feeling like a nobody because of all I have to show for how hard I’ve worked in my life lol

Where does it get better. One year on and I’m arguably worse off than where I started.

How does it get better

[danideservedbetter]

Day 356

Don’t take the place you have to live for granted.

[danideservedbetter]

Day 355

I really miss having a bed

[danideservedbetter]

343-347

Well, remember how I said I didn’t care about failing? Turns out I should have because I forgot I was on academic probation for my past grades, and having the grades I did this semester didn’t put me past the threshold I needed to get my aid fully reinstated.

I’m having to not freak out until I’ve exhausted all my options— I’m gonna appeal again and tell them what my doctors did to me, and pray that I’m allowed to go back.

,,,, Not that I would anyway necessarily because my family doesn’t want to pay for anything still and are now fighting amongst each other about who’s responsibility it is and I just.

Going back to school was supposed to be my way out lol

[danideservedbetter]

Days 341 and 342

I’m so proud. I made it through my first semester back, without dropping out. There’s a lot of things o would have changed, and a lot I wouldn’t have been able to, but I did it. I didn’t pass all my classes but. Lol. I don’t even caaaaaare.

I also made a perfect score on my American lit final which is adghjjadgjkyffhj

I’m moving out now and like with everything my parents have to make it incredibly fucking difficult. My mom offered to help so I was counting on that but of course she ran out of money doing anything for anybody but me. So it’s either pay for her gas or eat. But it’s double fucking aggravating because that still means two trips so I waste the money anyway. 🙃 Meanwhile my dad is enjoying his new pool lmao

But whatever it’s not like I haven’t done it before.

I did get sad last night thinking that it’s ridiculous that I have to couch surf for the next week because of the selfishness of other people. I was under the assumption I could just go to my cousins’ whenever I want, but I wouldn’t be able to leave til June because everyone is making a big deal about it. I also have no place to put my dorm stuff so yep,,, that goes to my father’s too.

I was really hoping that the end of school would mean at least a pause in my stress but I’m not naive enough for that lmao

[danideservedbetter]

Days 335-340

I let time get away from me again 😩 Finals week has been a lot, but not because the exams are hard necessarily, it’s just been an issue of finding time to do everything. I’m halfway done— and am pretty happy with how the first two turned out— and have the last two due tomorrow. I also have to find some time to pack in the middle of all of that adfgh.

Amazingly, somehow, I think I’m gonna manage. I’m moving to Alabama on Tuesday(probably). I’m still extremely, extremely stressed about money because I have a doctors appointment before then and probably need groceries once I do move? And who knows how long it’ll take to find a job. It’s stuff like that that’s extremely worrying, especially getting ahold of my medicine since I’ll have to travel back to the city.

Just. A lot. But I’m feeling better creatively— I’m hoping that the second I do move and get into a stable environment, I’ll finally be able to get started on those projects I’ve had to shelve in my bad health

[danideservedbetter]

Today makes a year.

I know it’s not day 365 on this blog or anything, but on this day last year as I was planning Mother’s Day weekend and settling things to go back to college I was kicked out into the dirt and all of my family members basically told me they didn’t care.

It’s crazy to think that it’s been a year. In fact I spent May and June in such a veritable Catatonia that I didn’t even realize Mother’s Day was the first weekend. I honestly can’t even remember those two months besides moving in to my temporary living space and arranging it. Then arranging it again. Then again. And crying a lot.

I weighed less than 95 pounds and I don’t weigh that little anymore. I’m back to where I was before the medicine I got put on starved me. I managed to be out of my living space in less than a year, just like I’d predicted. Although I figured I might have a place to go that wasnt entirely unreasonable. I slept on average seventeen hours a day. Now I sleep seven— when my medicine is working like it’s supposed to. And I have an extra disability to my name.

I still have a long way to go on this journey of self discovery and recovery, but thank you to my friends who’ve stuck with me this past year. It’s been a nightmare for all of us in more ways than one but everyone has been so patient with me. Im still not the Dani I want to be but I’m a lot closer than I was a year ago. And I know that with a little more work I’ll be able to find her again.

[danideservedbetter]

328-333

Been a while since I’ve updated. But now that Ive reached a bit of an interlude of relative calm before summer starts (I did manage to get stuff moved over the weekend), my body kinda took the opportunity to go into hibernation 😅 it really sucks because I’ve wasted this entire week basically sleeping. I haven’t been able to stay up for more than two-three hours at a time. This medicine is really wrecking me, and worse it’s losing its efficacy too. Idk what to do. I can’t get an appointment til after next week sadly, and if things continue on like this idk what I’m going to do about finals.

My only goal for today is to stay awake.

[danideservedbetter]

Days 324, 325, 326, 327

It’s been half a week and I spent it mostly asleep. Didnt get any work done. Didnt get any writing done. I’m getting virtually no REM sleep anymore and I can barely function.

Everything’s in pieces and it feels almost exactly like it did a year ago, except I’m not around my family much so there’s no energy to fight.

My landlady has come out and said that I’m basically good for nothing and that since I didn’t skip school to move my stuff out she has half a mind to dump it on the curb. Even though I told her I wouldn’t be able to go til tomorrow. I’ve been talked to like dirt (again) because I had the nerve to take the initiative everyone in my life said I lacked and went back to college.

How am I supposed to keep trying when all I get is punished for it?

I don’t want to move tomorrow. I don’t have the strength and I don’t have the emotional capacity to navigate a fight with my landlady (she INSISTS that no one is allowed in her house without her there which speaks volumes of what she thinks of me). I don’t want to see my father. I don’t have time to drive two hours in the morning and then two hours back after spending who knows long moving. Even worse my dad decided not to get a storage unit and keep my stuff at his house. His wife is already complaining about it, of course.

Last but not least my backup plan in case I don’t get to be a counselor for summer camp is out. My great uncle, the father of the cousins I was supposed to go stay with this summer, passed away. I can’t move in on top of them while they’re dealing with that, considering the problems I cause everywhere I go. I’m just sick over it too because we thought he was getting better.

I just want to feel safe and wanted and accepted for once. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make things better when I can’t even stand up on my own two feet, literally. Home shouldn’t have an expiration date. It’s embarrassing and it’s frustrating. I want to write, I want to work on these projects I’ve been looking forward to. I even want to do schoolwork. But I physically can’t.

It never ends.