danieblair - Tumblr blog

[danieblair]

it’s so attractive when someone shows you how excited they are to see and talk to you everyday

[danieblair]

26 things for 26.

I turned 26 Sunday. And this birthday has been one of the weirdest birthdays I ever had. I was happy because it was my birthday but I was also really sad? Or maybe I was just nostalgic. And that always feels kinda the same way being sad does.

I found myself looking back on the year of 25. How 25 was painful and happy and sad and heartbreaking. How the things that happened during the year of 25, have shaped my life forever. And that sounds really dramatic, but if some of the things that happened was 25 had never happened, there would be things about my life right now and my friends life right now wouldn’t be happening or maybe have never happened. And some of those things are really good, and some of those things not so much.

While looking back on the year of 25, I realized just how different my life is now. And that seems to be a running theme in my head recently. Maybe because a year of the first change in my life that seemed to set off a domino effect, was quickly approaching but it was like my brain was finally catching up to how much things have changed not only around me but within me.

And I feel like it should be documented somewhere that this change happened. And that I can look back and just see how much it happened when I start to feel like everything’s just sitting still.

1. Manifestation is real. If you think it, it’ll happen.

2. It’s okay to be alone. It’s really fucking scary at first but you’ll actually learn to like it.

3. You’re family also needs to respect you. And it’s not okay that they don’t.

4. Boundaries aren’t optional. They’re vital.

5. Some people truly just love you. No expectations , or conditions they just do.

6. Rot days are essential. Have as many as you need.

7. Your health matters. Yes you’re in pain. No you don’t need to “suck it up”

8. Don’t beg someone to be in your life. If they want to be there you wouldn’t have to. And why would you want them there if they don’t want to be there?

9. You’re more than your BPD. Even when people see you as just someone that has BPD, doesn’t mean that’s your entire identity.

10. Just because something fucked you up a long time ago and it’s “in the past” doesn’t mean you should be over by it now. Be angry if that’s what you need. Let it go if that’s what you need.

11. Just because you shoved something to the back of your mind, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist anymore. It’s there. Unpack it. Process it.

12. Everyone’s timeline is different.

13. Even though you know that, it’s okay and valid to get frustrated and impatient. As long as you remember that #12 is true.

14. Your friends go through hard shit too. You’re not the only one. Be there for them too.

15. No experience is individual. Yes they’ll understand. Yes they’ve been there too. No, you’re not alone.

16. The tiktok ramen recipe is the only way to eat store bought ramen now. Shit slaps.

17. There’s gonna be someone one day that loves you in every single way you’ve ever needed. Those people exist.

18. Wanna see someone’s true colors? Break up with them.

19. You are not your parents. No matter how similar you may be in some areas. You will never be them.

20. Just because someone remembers something differently doesn’t mean that the way you remember something is suddenly invalid.

21. Decorate your home. You can settle down. It’s okay.

22. Don’t bitch about a problem if you’re not gonna solve it. If somethings fixable, fix it.

23. Distance is okay. Sometimes it’s the only thing that will keep a relationship healthy.

24. People come and people go. And that’s okay.

25. Everything ebbs and flows. You’re gonna go through some really hard shit but you’re also gonna go through some really good shit. Just hold on.

26. Things are gonna change. And that’s okay. All of it is change that needed to happen. Even the parts that’s were really fucking hard. Let it happen.

26 is gonna be a good one.

[danieblair]

“ if I could have done it all again, I would have loved you better but I could not have loved you more”

I’ve had a lot of quotes hit me in the chest but this one…was rough. When I compare my love for Carlin and my once love for Kayse, I always find is so wild that they’re so completely different. I loved Kayse more than I think I’ve ever loved anybody. I put my entire heart and soul into loving Kayse. But it was never good enough. It was never the right kind of love. No matter how much I poured and poured the cup was just never full. And I think about how different I was with kayse as I am with Carlin. And Kayse was just 6 months ago. I think about my mindset and how I thought and where I was mentally. And I realize that the way I loved her is the only way I knew how at the time. I think I loved her in a way that familiar and like second nature. I loved her fiercely and white hot and would happily rip myself apart time and time again because that is all I knew. I loved her in every single way I knew how. But even though I loved her with everything g I had, doesn’t mean that everything I had was the right thing. And then I look at how I love Carlin and I realize that I love Carlin in an unfamiliar way. I love him softly and it’s not white hot and and fiery and quite frankly overwhelming. It’s soft and gentle and safe. It’s familiar in the sense of Carlin feels like someone I’ve known forever and not in the sense of it being second nature. And I think the way I love Carlin is the right way. It’s the way I should’ve loved Kayse but the Danie then had no idea how to do that. And that will be something I think will stick with me forever. Knowing that I spent all this time loving someone the wrong way. Playing a game that I didn’t bother to read the rules for. A game that I would never win. I wonder what would’ve been different if I would’ve loved her correctly.

[danieblair]

Four years. That’s how long we’ve been in each others lives. I’ve spent four years loving you with everything I had. And at first, I was okay with that. Up until about a month ago, I was okay with loving you for the rest of my life. I was okay with us being intertwined and us being magnets for each other. Being able to feel you wherever I went and being able to be drawn to you like a magnet. But then, we broke up back in August. We spent three and a half years together and if anyone would’ve told me this time last year that we would get engaged just for it fall apart in seven short months, I wouldn’t have believed them. But then it did. You become a completely different person in the blink of an eye and shortly after me leaving, we went no contact. Then, in November you walked through my door again. We started all of this bullshit over again and for a split second, I wanted you back.

And then I remembered who you really were, You were the person that almost hit me in the middle of an argument. You were the person that every time we fought, I was scared. You were the person that never didn’t cross any of my lines in the sand. You were the person that told me you loved me but would always turn around and make me feel small. You were also the person that has put me through complete hell since August. The back and fourth, the cat and mouse game we became way too fucking good at. You ripped me apart over and over and over again and I let you. I let you rot me from the inside out and you never cared, 

And now that brings me to right now. Right now, i’m gonna perform a cord cutting so I can finally let you go. I’m cutting the cord that ties you and me together forever. I tried so hard. So fucking hard to keep the peace between us and keep us in each other’s lives but time and time again you made it hard. And now, I’m letting you go. 

Goodbye Kayse.

[danieblair]

“You have saved yourself from drowning every time before this. You will rescue yourself again.”

— Nikita Gill, Powerful One Sentence Reminders To Read When You Are Doubting Your Growth And Healing

[danieblair]

“I choose to love you in silence because in silence I find no rejection, and in silence no one owns you but me.”

— Rumi

[danieblair]

[danieblair]

Word vomiting 1

You ever know the answer to something? Well i mean duh, of course you have. But like an answer to a question that hasn't really been answered yet. Like you know the answer and its just there kinda sitting in the air but no one has said it yet? This is what this feels like. I feel like i already know the answer but you haven't said it yet. I know that ive lost you. I can feel you slipping through my fingers and I can't stop you. I wont stop you. I let you go four months ago because I thought I was doing the right thing. We were falling apart and the thought of us resenting each other wasn't what I ever wanted so I let you. And things got messy and ugly and you turned into someone I never thought you would. So I pushed you even further away and up until thanksgiving we were out of each others life. And then at the first opportunity I let you back in. You walked through my fron door and i'll be damned if all it didn't take to hear your voice again and there you were. At the forefront of my brain and heart all over again. It took two times of you being back here. Your lips on mine and just feeling your touch again and every single feeling I had been trying to move through and push down came rushing back again. Of course I denied it. We were supposed to be moving on. You were talking to other people and so was i. But the more you cam over, the more I talked to you, the more that you were here with me, the harder it got to deny that all I wanted was for you to stay. Then things started feeling normal again. We went out and did things and we just hungout and then I was quickly reminded that not only had I lost the woman I love but my best friend. And then i realized that I wanted you back. Again, denial is one hell of drug. I pushed and pushed with everything I had to make it dissapear but it didnt and it wont. That brings me to now. Right now, you're on a date with another girl and I know you're happy. I know you're happy about being with someone that you don't have a messy past with. And I'm sure shes kind and caring and she would be an idiot to let you go. And i know you know you have to make a choice. God knows I want it to be me. But god knows i already know your answer. I just wish I was wrong.

[danieblair]

Fuck 2022

This time last year, I was at one of my best friends house getting drunk, dancing, and writing down everything we were leaving in 2021 and burning it in her sink. And when the clock stroke midnight, I kissed Kayse and commented on how excited I was for what the new year was to bring because of how happy I was.

And here I am a year later in a new house, alone, planning to eat grapes under a table with two of my best friends to manifest love for the new year, and carrying around a giant hole in my chest that has been there since august.

And Kayse is in Asheville going to a new years eve party with a new girl and will be kissing her on midnight.

To say that this year has been unbearably painful is the understatement of the year. This year I went from being in engaged and deeply in love and excited for the year to come to having to walk away from a relationship I never wanted to walk away from in the first place and completely starting over. Again. I went from feeling whole to having this giant hole in my chest that has only grown bigger in four months. And I have went from being in love with someone that was in love with me back to having to watch that same person pull away and start to fall for a new person while I still struggle to get out of bed in the morning and cry at least once a week over how painfully lonely and empty they feel.

I am so thankful that this year is coming to an end, but I am so very scared to start a new one. How are you supposed to start a fresh new year when parts of you got left in August and you haven't seen them since? How are you supposed to have a resolution for the new year when all you can think about is how desperate you're becoming to not feel any of the pain you've been feeling for four months anymore?

Happy new year I guess.

[danieblair]

Roots

For twenty- three years, I never laid down roots. I learned pretty quickly that roots can easily be ripped up. And every house I had ever been in always had an expiration date on it. No where ever really felt safe to lay down roots. Until me and Kayse bought our house. First of all, I never thought I would ever out of all people, would make that big of commitment with anyone and then to be okay with staying somewhere forever?? Never. Cause like I said, I never put down roots. And with that never being a common practice and learning how it can easily be taken away from you, roots became something I feared. Not craved. Ever.

But here I am, praying that some miracle would happen, so I wouldn't have to be ripping up my roots. Two and half years ago, me and Kayse closed on our house and that very day for the first time, I felt safe enough to lay roots. I dug into the ground and anchored myself to her and this home and to hell with fear. For two and a half years, this became the home that I never thought I would have. This was the house that we brought Binx home in. The house where me and Kayse went through the hardest periods of our relationship. The house where she proposed to me. The home that I saw the rest of my life in, And now, in two days it'll all be gone. I'll be in a new home that Kayse will never see. I'll be in a new house with no memories I can call my own and I'll be completely alone. And there is absolutely no part of me that wants any of this.

I know you can't heal in the same place that hurt you. I know that I'm doing the right thing. But even with knowing those two things, I would give just about anything for things to be different. For me to just stay a little bit longer. To make just make a few more memories in these four walls. To pull into the driveway and feel the relief of being home and coming home to her. To sitting on this couch seeing the same view I've seen a million times. How am I ever supposed to make anywhere else feel like home? When my home is in a house I will no longer live in? With a person I'm no longer intertwined with? its not possible.

It will never be possible.

[danieblair]

[danieblair]

forgive yourself. forgive yourself for not being where you dreamed you would be. forgive yourself for all the wrong things you said. forgive yourself for the times you messed up even when you’ve tried your best. forgive yourself for the way you hurt, belittle, or abandon yourself in the past or in the present. forgive yourself for not being perfect. you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy (of love, understanding, compassion, kindness).

[danieblair]

love having a praise kink and not being able to take a compliment <3

[danieblair]

[danieblair]

[danieblair]

The rollercoaster

Why is it I can only seem to write when I'm falling apart? I can never write when I'm joyful and everything is okay. But when I'm on the brink of going over the very tall ledge into nothing, I have loads to say.

I've been at this point before in relationships. Hell, in every relationship I've had in my life, I have found myself here. The crossroads. The question of "should I stay or should I go" lingering in the air like a thick cloud of smoke. With Jr, we got there because it dawned on fourteen year old me that a twenty one year old shouldn't be guilting them into sex. With Devan, it was the sinking knowledge of knowing he was cheating and knowing that someone purposely scaring you as a way to assert dominance is abuse. With Stephen, it was his realization that he liked boys and I liked girls. With Kelsey, it was the financial abuse and the ever present need to make me feel below her. Kayse has never done any of these things. But yet, I find myself here. Desperately trying to look into the future of both options and failing over and over again. What's sad is deep down I knew it was coming eventually. It always does. This moment of waking up and looking around at your relationship and realizing it isn't as okay as you've made it to be in your head.

With Kayse, it's her behaviors when she's angry. We can be having the best day, the best week, hell, even the best couple of months and she gets angry again. And it's not even the fact that she gets mad. It's the fact that she can turn as cold as ice at the drop of a hat. It's the fact that words are no longer thought out and said with caution or love or respect but spat out and laced with daggers ready to pierce any vulnerable spot I have showing. And I do it too. All of the respect and kindness dissipates in the blink of an eye. And then the apologies come rushing in. "I'm sorry." and "I know I shouldn't have said it or done it" and the "I love you" come running in like rain trying to put out a forest fire. And up until now, it worked. We would go into our separate corners to lick our wounds and then we would be all better again. Never to talk to each other like that again and to vow to try to change and get better. But then it happens again. As it always does.

Thursday was the breaking point. We were bickering over how Kayse isn't ignored in our shared friend group and then she yelled. Like the thousand other times before. She raised her voice out of frustration and in that moment, I felt like all of my spark was gone. This little whisper in my head ever so snidely reminded me "I told you she wouldn't change." and then it ran from there. For hours I sobbed and poured out every little thing I was holding in my heart and mind and you brought the idea of a break from each other again up. And something in me just snapped. For well over two hours I cried and shook and heaved and all you could do was be annoyed. And offer a cold shoulder.

For three days I have cried and watched you say the same thing you've said time and time again. For three days I have felt like my entire world has been crumbling around me. For three days I have been sitting at this crossroad devastated and completely blindsided by being here. Again.

And that brings me to today. Today, I feel nothing. I feel completely detached from it all and can't seem to bring myself to feel even the littlest bit of emotion towards the whole thing. And that's where it gets scary. At least when you're crying, yelling, and feeling every emotion under the sun, you have passion. You have the feeling of giving of a shit. You still have your head and heart in it. But when you're numb, there's no more indications of how you feel anymore. There's no signs or symptoms anymore. There's just emptiness. It's like I left my emotions on the counter and just have had to walk around without them today. And what am I supposed to do with that? What am I supposed to do when I went from drowning in a pool of emotion to now trying to float in a pool that's already been drained? How do I keep myself here and present when my brain decided to switch me over to airplane mode without my permission? How am I supposed to know if I should stay or go when all of the road signs have been painted over with gray paint? What the hell am I supposed to do?

Oh god, What do I do?

[danieblair]

Trauma

Boy, I haven't done this in so long. I haven't written anything in god knows how long. And the things I have wrote have all been on the happier end of things. They've also been short, sweet, and to the point. This isn't one of those posts. This one is gonna be long and messy and not exactly happy. So, here we go.

For a few weeks now, I have been going to therapy. This is my fourth time doing this little dance and each time it usually goes one clear way. My childhood is shitty, I have a terrible habit of taking care of people and avoiding my problems and my dad is a shitty human. Short, sweet, to the point. This go around though, therapy has gone completely off the rails and has been the hardest therapy has ever been. This time, the conversation has turned to my mother. A subject that I've been avoiding for quite some time. What kind of person am I to trash talk someone that stayed? Come to find out, not that bad of a person. Considering that person may have stayed physically but sure as shit didn't stick around emotionally. And as the weeks go on, the more angry I'm becoming. And I cant begin to explain how incredibly guilty I feel for that. Like I said, my mom stayed. My dad dipped three different times in my life and the few sporadic memories i have of him aren't exactly what you call warm and fuzzy. Hell the last time we talked, it ended in a "fuck you" and not "I love you". Pretty cut and dry right? When a person is consistently shitty to you, its easy to walk away and cut that person out. Its like taking a stinger out. It hurts, so you pull it out and you bandage it up and move on.

My mom on the other hand, isn't cut and dry. Physically my mom stuck around. She was there when I came home from school every day and she made sure we were fed and clothed. But, with that being said, you never really knew what kind of person my mom was gonna be when you got of the school bus. Either my mom was happy and semi okay, or she was angry. She was pissed off and god forbid you got in her path. Any time I had a problem, mom would somehow remember to remind me that she was going through a divorce, or a mental health crisis, or another strange man she let in the house turned out to be a piece of shit. When those problems arose, I fixed it. I quickly became the mediator and the rock my mom needed. And over time, I learned to think on my feet. I learned to quickly package my emotions up and make room for hers or anyone else for that matter. And when my dad was around, she did absolutely nothing to keep him from going off the rails. But then and even now, all I can think about is "Well at least she stayed." Now to tie this into today.

Today, I explained to Tory how incredibly angry I am and how its just getting worse. I explained how pissed off I was about it not being fair that I'm like this now. I'm pissed that I will never get to know the person I could've been if I would've gotten the chance to have a good childhood. And every time I get to thinking of how mad I am, I think of this one memory. It's the memory of me and my dad fighting and him slapping me so hard that I fell on my ass and my ear rang. And my mom did nothing. And right around that time, Tory asked what my first memory was. Simple, at six I remember being crammed into a bathroom with my baby brother and my mom with her feet up on the door keeping it closed while my dad lost his shit on the other side. Till this day I can feel the fear in my stomach and the sound of wood splintering as my dad rams his body against the door. Right at that time, Tory explained that people that can't remember anything before the age of six usually have one or two things: a Traumatic Brain Injury, or Trauma. And I've never hit my head.

I have trauma? I've never been to war or shot someone, or been kidnapped. Just a bad childhood and people that have been mean to me or time or two. There's no way that counts as trauma. But apparently it does. And now I have to cope with the fact that my mom caused a whole lot of it. And like I said before, the guilt of admitting that when all I wanna do is say she tried her best is heavy.

This isn't what therapy was supposed to be. And I'm not even close to being done yet.