danielcraigssouthernaccent

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

Coworker type women are always like "you know how it is with husbands" but I don't. I don't know how it is. Your experience of husband seems to be guy who doesn't give a shit about you. My experience of husband is mostly guy who won't stop singing "Pastyme With Good Companye" (a bad song written by Henry VIII) at 9pm.

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

truly the most american thing is Big Drink. more than late stage capitalism, more than an unparalleled cultural focus on individualism, more than 9/11 jokes

what binds all americans together culturally is Big Drink

and you might be saying "is this fat shaming" or "but mayor bloomberg outlawed Big Drink in nyc" or "gays are so annoying about their iced coffee" or some other dumb comment but no open your minds, Big Drink isn't just sugary or caffeinated beverages

every day i see one of you hydration bitches (affectionate) on the train with a water bottle so big a toddler could drown in it. that too is Big Drink. we literally invented a bigger beer can (tall boy) in wisconsin in the 60s in the service of Big Drink

anyway i never feel more american then when i have Big Drink in my hands

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

Important decision

(via)

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

It will get cold again eventually. The summer will not last forever. I’m not doomed to live in this unbearable heat for all eternity. <- said while gripping the countertop so hard that the tile is starting to crack

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

somewhere out there right now is a kid with curly hair being raised by people who have wavy hair at best and those people are giving them 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner and telling them to dry brush it. and that kid is gonna spend all of middle school and high school hating their hair and moping over the flat iron. they're being told right now that if they don't dry-brush their curl pattern into oblivion every morning it means they're unkempt and gross even though they naturally have the kind of ringlets that a thousand bridezillas would commit horrible murders for every june. it's happening right now it's an absolute epidemic and a tragedy every time

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

the pitt fic idea: patient comes in with a emotional support dog and the pup just sticks to robby’s side for the entirety of the shift and everyone thinks it’s adorable until they learn it’s a suicide prevention dog

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

My dog's really a study in Buddhism. He can see my muffin wrapper and he's miserable. Crying. He needs to eat my muffin wrapper so bad.

I get up and throw it away. He forgets about it immediately and happily goes to sleep.

You are not sad because you do not have a muffin wrapper, my beautiful boy, you are sad because you want the muffin wrapper.

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

i’m like if an angel fell from heaven and got insanely fucked up from the impact

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

I went to this Northwest Passage museum once where they had the white explorers' journals on one side of the exhibit and the native people's accounts on the other side of the exhibit and the explorer journals were like "our canoe had almost sunk when we encountered some kindly Indians" and the native histories were like "we watched a bunch of strangers come down the river in the shittiest canoe you'd ever seen. Also, they had no rain gear"

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

Listen. The statement "Ted Cruz pisses his pants on purpose 'cause he likes the wet warm feeling between his legs" is about as bipartisan as it gets.

Griffin McElroy

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

Video Game: Uh oh! You've encountered Fat Enemy! He will be a tough man to take down due to fatness armor and gross attacks like Belch and Fart.

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

Made it all the way to work and realized I forgot my cyanide pill in case of capture

[danielcraigssouthernaccent]

LOL but seriously release the hounds