danielleee-x

[danielleee-x]

My soul would walk upon water with no bounds. I'd make sure to see the world, each culture, each face, embrace every body with a smile and all the warmth they'd need. My soul can go a mile a minute, sprint a marathon with no need for it be seen. Let its healing stay unspoken, only felt.

Why yes, my almost ethereal soul could do all that and still settle down in one singular place at the end, with a golden heart glowing, longing to be the secure space for its surrounding community. Yet in the end it always comes down to this broken, aching and awfully tiny body creating barriers where I don't deserve one. It weighs me down like an unsettlingly heavy anchor. If only I could turn out the way I intended to be. The way the universe intended my shining, beating heart to function in this sickening and maddening world.

I'd be so much more than I could ever be, today.

[danielleee-x]

Life, lately, has been like swimming uphill in honey.

The current strong and my limbs a tad too weak. It is not the easy to scoop, sweet to taste honey, that everyone thinks of when one uses the metaphor of floating in it. It is the type, in which you have to force a spoon into the well settled, rather defensive top part to even get close to the overwhelming beautiful taste. When lifting the spoon it sticks together for hours, while you stand there waiting for it let go of one another, so it can go back to being barely permeable without a great force. Life has been comparable to treading in that insanely stubborn honey, uphill, while it flows downwards, taking me with it.

Life has, also, been like sitting in a cloud of second-hand smoke. You don't afflict it to yourself, yet your body also does not allow you to move, no matter how much your lungs burn up and your eyes start to prick. There one is, hoping for the kindness of the other human being to simply stop inhaling and exhaling a stick of death within your personal space before you get too tempted to take it away and make the secondary air into your own. Actively killing yourself because of your damned lack of willpower. You could have moved instead of letting one person decide your faith for you, for breathing in someone else's smoke is more damaging to lungs than smoking it by oneself, yet you stay seated and wait for life to fix itself. That is how I've felt for months, coming upon years now. No concise plan for a change but still arguing in my head that I do not deserve what was inflicted upon me.

I think it is important to tell, that I never enjoyed the taste of honey, neither do I the smell of marlboro red.

[danielleee-x]

I have so much anger within me. Such a deep rooted hatred for the ones that place their ego above the wellbeing of others. I was not allowed to experience the love of my grandmother and father, because of the people in their surroundings? Partners, children, aunts and uncles have all ruined the opportunity for me and my siblings to grow up with a community. It seems that we got dogpiled with an uncountable amount of pain in this lifetime, yet we still had to survive, isolated, without complaint.. Just the 5 of us. I thought I did not need the love or affection from someone other than my parents or siblings but I understood even as a child that I was saying such things and acting coldly to protect my sanity. In actuality I knew how much I missed it. Friends of mine telling me that they were going to visit their grandparents, laughing about the stupid things they do and say, all the while expressing the adoration they feel for them and how appreciative they are, that they are still alive and among them. I could never relate.

I am aware that there are much worse things to miss out on or to go through, I have my fair share of traumatic stories but I can not fully express the pain and rage, that fills me within, that this realisation hit, just this week of how much I'll miss them. I miss what I never had and what I will never get back, I deeply miss my grandparents, even while they're still alive. And I know the sentiment is returned to me just the same which fills me with such grief that is unspoken because I don't want to imagine the feeling they must go through aswell. I hate that I have to count my minutes until they leave, and that all of our hello's are filled with goodbyes that shall be perfect.. just in case. Leave no words unsaid since who knows if we'll ever meet again? It hurts to think of and it breaks my heart, I am desperately hoping for many more greetings to come from the both of them than condolences from the one's that caused the pain. I wish for just enough luck, so the universe, or whoever is in charge, will grant me one more week to spend with them before they leave. One more week, perfectly serene with many words and hugs and understanding, not one where I am too physically weak to enjoy the tiny moments that I, so, longed for..

[danielleee-x]

<3

[danielleee-x]

I don't feel seen. I notice the weight of all the expectations on my shoulders and understand that everyone thinks they'd know me but I do not get how, that could be the case if I haven't even been properly introduced to myself. Twenty years of life and still I do not know if I prefer the outside over inside. Or drama films over comedies. Purple or orange. Dogs or cats. Pasta or pizza..

The mirrors may reflect a person back that seems familiar but it is never the face that I expect to see. How can I be understood by someone opposite me when I haven't even gotten acquainted with the wrinkles on my own skin. The parts I see on the daily like my fragile and soft hands or my strong legs with scars. They never seem to be the way I picture them in my mind's eye. For some reason I feel like my body keeps shape-shifting inbetween each blink of an eye and with it my personality. How can a mother love her daughter or son, if that child differs from the kid she once held in her arms? I am physically viewed upon but I do not feel seen, by myself, by family and friends or even strangers. How can I show what is within when, to me, all that there is withdraws itself whenever I try to find and present it to the world. I do not recognise myself. Seeing nature and people laughing does not spark joy anymore, everything has turned gray and drab and I have given up trying to get back what once was. It was never my intention to be mean when I said that you don't know me because neither do I.

[danielleee-x]

How closely must you have watched a person's hand to know how they like their coffee or tea? Perhaps you have asked them once or twice before, but now you know, in an instance, how to make their beverage taste heavenly. You have studied their being thoroughly, tried and failed often enough, that making their favourite morning drink has now become a second nature to your hands and arms. Knowing how to hand it to them and when to put it on the table closest instead, seeing them shine brightly each time you do it over again. How intimate is it to know how to make their cup of tea and give a little gift to that person you love so deeply each day again? May you be proud of yourself if you've found someone that can make your coffee or tea and cherish that person as much as you can.

I trust you enough to make me a hot beverage on a rainy afternoon. Will you do it for me?

[danielleee-x]

My broken down suitcase

At all times of every day I feel like I am scrambling to pick up all of my broken down pieces. As if I'd just dropped my luggage and all of the remains spilled and are on the floor. Each time I put another object in the bag I found in emergency, another one falls out. Whenever I bend over to fix the puzzle pieces that were once my life, I lose another part of me. All until I am at the point of having to use tape on my mind and skin to keep the most important pieces in. I have barricaded the doors and praying that nothing else can leave. Wishing to keep all of me in one place and not to evolve too much. I want to hold onto the scared 5 year old version of me. The loving 10 year old human I was and, simultaneously, the hate-filled 14 year old. I miss all the things I've forgotten. I pray I can make everything stay so my day to day will be more filled up by the past than the present. Let me time travel. Meet myself in another time continuum. Or show me how to visit alternate versions of my very being in other universes, that are doing better than I am doing right here and now. This 20 year old version is stumbling, crashing and breaking. Give me a return address. Let me exchange this year for another. One that has a stronger type of luggage, one that made sure to pay enough to have it hold all that I let fall onto the cold and hard ground. My life is going down and it is getting harder to continue on grasping for air.

[danielleee-x]

You are no lost cause, any human has the capability of change. We are clay waiting to be moulded, a broken teacup waiting to be glued and a flower patiently waiting to be watered. The part we are missing is the physical being to put all these actions into reality. And until we realise that, no other can fill up our souls the way we can ourselves - we shall stay in agony, waiting for another, to make us seem as whole as they are. It is a fallacy we all believe until the time, that was ticking previously, will inevitably stand still and you will have missed your chance to grow within this world.

[danielleee-x]

I used to have this reoccurring thought, or maybe even longing, to feel the sensation of being stabbed. In my heart or stomach. I was reminded regularly of it. It has always been illogical and simply a very persistent, intrusive thought that didn't accept reality of my inability to fulfill it. My body or mind was longing to be stabbed and I could not think of anything else. It hasn't popped up in years, the idea, the wonder of what the touch of the tip of the knife on my very fragile, almost balloon or glass like, skin would be like. Maybe it was an extreme suicide ideation that I released when it became a genuine option but I doubt it.. I never intended the wish of the action to be lethal.. I wanted it to be painful and real. No more than that. I wonder why it was such a strong, repetitive desire a few years ago and now it is gone.. I wish I knew everything about my mind, my body and soul. The trying to guess is what breaks me. I simply want to understand everything in the deepest sense. Let it make me go mad. I want to be the crazy person in the corner with fully written on walls around them. Let me know why things happen the way they do and what the reason of our universe is and time and physics or religion. Just let me know everything and why I stopped thinking of that knife in my chest.

[danielleee-x]

Whenever I don't have the words to express my feelings I sing repeatedly. I belt out the poetry written by another to feel some sense of self. I sing out loud when I know no one's around and quietly when someone may be able to critique my technique. I sing until my throat hurts and lets me be unable to speak or voice the emotions for the next 2 days. It doesn't have to be strong or good to let me process my feelings.. it just needs to be. Learning to do runs upwards and down. Belting and shouting and making funny sounds. Everything makes my speaking muscles stronger and my soul calmer. I am embarrassed to confess that that's how I profess the thoughts that were a bit too jumbled prior.

[danielleee-x]

Joseph Brodsky, translated by Howard Moss, from a poem titled "I Sit By The Window,"

[danielleee-x]

I love the people in my life. However small or big the interactions we have, and however regular or sporadic they may be. There's something to be said for building a community that loves you and shows up in either which way they do. One talks to me regularly with long texts, regular calls, a clear intention to be there for me through thick and thin. Another shows up once a year, almost in a passing by, moving motion and shares how often they remembered me and my soul. They may not reach out or talk to me often but they're there, orbiting my surroundings and sending me love on this planet or on another. One doesn't always need to love actively and intensely. A simple 'I know you're alive and you matter enough to me to say I love you, every once in a while' is enough to me. Not always but usually it is. Everyone gets lonely at times. I do struggle to see the love around me but that is okay.. Some things need to go away for us to notice the deepness and beauty of it in its absence.

I live for the people I love. The way my mom and I speak through all topics underneath the brightly shining sun. Even when the clouds hide the happiness - she is there. She is so beautiful when she laughs. I see her smile and touch as the strongest medicine I could get in this lifetime. She's truly something else. Ethereal at times. There's no moment of doubt in my mind that she is my soulmate in this dark and twisted little world. I love my mom and the way she sounds and looks within this body she chose.

And I love my dad so much that I can't express any of it without being in pain. We may have had some rocky times but he has always had my back, no matter how ungrateful my teenage self may have been. He's the funniest and sweetest human to walk this soil. Which is why I think he like plants so much. He himself is like a sunflower when he wants to be. He was neglected a little while but plants aren't as weak as one may think. The youngest of his bunch and the most controversial but the most special of the four. I think so either way. We're one and the same. Funny, rough around the edges but always the person to rely on when the tide gets too rocky. I can only wish people see him with the sparkling eyes that I see him with. One in a million.

I wouldn't know what to do without my sister. She's been one of the worst and best people in my life. Perhaps that feeling is universal between siblings but the trauma we have endured, individually and together, is indescribable. There used to be such a big push and pull but we've grown up a lot. When I look back and see how much she's changed for the better - I can see the whole mt.everest underneath her feet. All the while keeping up with her passions and talents. The moment she let me in and let me practice my love for helping my surroundings, we became unbreakable. The waves still come and go but I wouldn't know what to do in life without those. She's a diamond in the rough but so are we all. I love her laugh and how bubbly she can be. We're just sisters.. there's nothing that can come between that, not while we're still the same soul in the same old - broken down bodies.

Now we get to my brother and my confusing appreciation for him being in my life. We aren't as close as we once were. Our life used to be us against the rest. The fights we fought to just survive were so similar to eachother nd different all at the same time. He showed up for me against my bullies, even when being harassed by his peers himself. He was there when I needed him, all the while he was silently struggling on his own. I wish I could have done, and can do, more than I did. My hope is that he knows how deep my love runs for him and his quirks. I feel a huge wall between us now. It does break down at times by us being in a car together - those are the most special moments nowadays.. we just get to share our passion for music and talk and be ourselves. For a split second it feels like us against the world in those drives. I hope he feels that too. I miss us and I miss his horribly curly hair from back in the day. The tears we had together. The conversations we shared. And the way he always laughs at my jokes, no matter how bad they may be. He truly makes me feel like one of the most special people whenever we're in the same room together and I hope he feels that way sometimes aswell. I truly don't know him anymore. I wish he knew that all the trauma doesn't change my opinion of him. I'm still here waiting for him to open up his heart to people again. Until then I'll be here waiting. I'm sure he'll heal soon enough. I'm sure.

I love the people within my life. Wether they are happy, scared, sad or angry. I wish to experience all of their emotions and see them for who they are. Unzip your skin and let me have a little look at the way you tick. Let me be there for the good and bad times. But also be there when I fall back down. It doesn't always have to be the same person but atleast let there be one of them. I love you all. Even if I am shitty at showing it at times.

I live for the people I love.

[danielleee-x]

Memories.

I used to pride myself on my ability to remember. From age 4 up until now I knew everything. The experience, the words said and the colours in the background of that moment. For a few months now everything has been slipping away though. There are memories, that I had put away as not important, who now show up while newer things don't stay for more than a minute. It is a loss of the only superpower I believed I had. Something that was utterly mine. Not purposed for anyone else.

I am losing my memory. I do not know extent of it just yet but things mentioned have to be said atleast 3 times more for me to hold onto it. Life changing knowledge from 3 or 6 years ago are suddenly lost. There's a mental barrier between me and my family or friends. They know things, they react fast and I am utterly and devastatingly jealous of what they have, and I once had. My jealousy previously only extended to their physical mobility but now with my mind slipping I understand even more how scary it is to lose yourself. My doctors are worried. They usually aren't bothered to care since I normally fix everything myself.

I am fearful of what's to come. We'll see. Or maybe only I will and you reading this will never hear about what happens onwards. We don't know. I especially do not. With this said I shall hope for the best.

[danielleee-x]

I think I am finally accepting the fact that my life is never going to be normal. I won't experience first loves in a usual manner because those emotions will be too unpredictable for my body to stay in control. No first jobs. No relationship. No routine. No regularity. Nothing common. My idea one year ago was to 'just experience life'. To love, to cry, to hate, to enjoy and most of all, to feel. My dream was and continues to be making music but you can't put your heart and soul into it if you won't let yourself know some emotions. This year, however painful and exhausting it has been, has given me a few of the prettiest and worst memories I am planning on taking with me in my future music. I have something to channel in my writing that isn't just from when I was a teenager or paralyzed. And while it'll never come close to being the best, or even just good, it'll be mine and it'll represent my life. I wish I could go through life more dumb and stupid & emotional than I am right now but that's not realistic - so I hereby accept my fate to make something out of nothing instead of dwelling on the missed opportunities. I have decided to leave this world with a bit more art than it had before and hopefully I can enjoy it in my next life if I get to go through. So if I am dead and you're reading this - find some of that art from me and give it a shot. And if it doesn't exist, don't worry, I'll make it exist in another lifetime. From me to you - I love you, take your time, readjust & be stupidly in love once in your life please.. I'd be forever grateful.

Danielle x

[danielleee-x]

Not everything needs to fit in a box.

We've reduced ourselves and all human experiences to a story, an aesthetic, something you can share with the world with your best side forward. It reduces yourself to a quick one liner, while we are all more complex than that. Complex in a multiple movie series way. Having 8 movies made about your life time wouldn't fit every thought, feeling and experience you've had. So why have we, as a collective, started making ourselves smaller to fit a certain ideology? Where is our individuality? And simultaneously our sense of community? Every time you breathe out, you name a different 'aesthetic' or 'core' you want to fit in. Changing wardrobes every few weeks or months. Following rules about trends. Fashion or other. Letting social media and it's fleeting expectations rule your every thought. Claiming to be 'very open-minded' and 'loving' but judging the second one doesn't conform to society and it's confusing ways of living. Where is real human connection? How often are you able to walk outside without crippling anxiety dripping down your forehead at every step? Have you spoken to a stranger lately? Someone outside of your bubble? Have you realized in the last 6 months that there is more to life than the opinion of some man or woman on a social media platform, that is made to profit off of your young mind? Have you heard an older person share their mind about any philosophies around living or love? Have you taken a moment to simply breathe? Have you taken just one second to stop thinking about activism, or on the other spectrum - your hate for your fellow humans? Did you know that you don't have to perfectly politically correct all of the time? Could you please just breathe!?

Take a moment. Breathe. Stop the overconsumption for a second. Let your mind rest. Life is not lived as quickly as the world on your phone has made you believe. Every second ticks away slower than you'd like but I suggest you let it happen. Slow your nervous system down. You feel, post, see, consume, realize too much. Humans weren't meant to live in a manner where we know everything that goes on in every part of this world. We can't care about everything. We can't stay stuck in a devil's circle where we're always trying to be better, do better and change for the best. We're being conditioned to disregard our time and I have gotten sick of it the last few months. It's not normal to post pictures of yourself regularly. Follow an aesthetic for your feed. Grab your phone every time you have nothing to do...or even when you do... and are in company of others. Art is beautiful and photography is art but it's been commercialized down to control your every thought. What even is the art of noticing? And why do we feel the need to like the posts with all these pictures of nature's closeups when we could simply notice them ourselves outside? What is this act of pretentiously caring about everything? Why does everything feel so pretentious lately? Why can't we just take a breather.. You've been conditioned to be okay with overexposure. It is okay, I have been aswell. But for the love of god, take a step back.. All of us. I am scared for the road we are currently on. Simultaneously running into oncoming traffic with our eyes wide open and not stopping one another. Where is this supposed to go? I am tired of us as humans. We've stopped thinking individually and follow one of the many leaders who are equally as dumb as us. Not meaning leaders as in world leaders, while that is applicable aswell, I mean leaders as in all these single individuals thinking their every thought is worth being posted and being seen by us on our feeds. Everyone suddenly has a voice while no one has something proper to say. We've learned a lot about ourselves and the world through the community talking but people that shouldn't have a megaphone are handed two or three and we're all listening. Why is it that we are still listening? Even if it is to hate on it? Why are we consuming any second of their opinions on matters not concerning them? Let us fucking stop listening. Let us stop consuming. Let us just fucking stop for a second and breathe and let time pass as slowly as it fucking pleases.

Let's take a collective step back soon or we'll all fall over the edge together.

[danielleee-x]

My heart bears so much grief with it that, every time, I try to open my mouth to express the pain, nothing comes out. A pile of bricks sitting peacefully on my chest while I'm suffering underneath with no ability to speak.

[danielleee-x]

I said I'd stay until everything was fixed and now it seems that it is.

My life's purpose has been healing. Patching up the wounded and hurt. I made myself necessary to breathe until they were able to lose the crutches and stand on their own two feet. It seems we simultaneously did our jobs too well. They have all healed and grown past their necessity for me and I supported them until the finish line, letting them cross it alone. It just hit me that I'm the one with a bleeding hole in my body and crutches that are wobbly. I have given and given but my soul is not intact anymore. I think I am at the point of giving up.. If I am not necessary then what am I? I help therefore I am but with no damaged souls to care for, I stop being. I wish I knew how to bandage up my own limbs and torso but my arms don't reach and I refuse to pass on my abilities to another. If I can not patch myself up, I do not want to be healed at all. What is life if in people's eyes you are not important enough anymore?