danielletinybruiser

[danielletinybruiser]

The Good Fight New York/New Jersey Open 7/31/21

I competed yesterday! And I actually feel really good about it! I'm a writer, so, writing about my experiences helps me really grasp them and process them and such, so, here goes! 

And also: as always, when I compete, it's in basically no-stakes tournaments for anybody. I'm not going to big competitions, I'm just doing this as a hobby and going to light fires under my butt and test my skills as they are in the moment. So, I take it seriously, but I don't go into this with delusions of grandeur! I do not think I am the next Danielle Kelly.

(Content warning for weight here, I talk about it a fair bit!)

I think I prepared pretty well this time around! I trained *a lot* and took conditioning very seriously. I also had a funny thing with weight: since getting my (cough, cough, under my breath) Peleton - I've been riding a lot and running a ton using the app. I sure thought I was being a genius doing frequent two-a-day cardio workouts, thinking "oh yeah, I'll be 125 no problem." Instead, obviously, I gained some muscle weight from doing tons of high intensity interval workouts. It's a good thing! I'm so much stronger than I was, walking now at 134-137, and my cardio is very solid. But it did mean having to be very conscious of weight to ensure I came in at 135 on Saturday.

Again, this should actually be ideal for this level of competition (read: LOW), because it means my walking weight and competition weight are super nice and close (I used to be around 126-129 and still competed at 135, thanks to the other major tournament I do having nothing between 120 and 135), and I feel so much more durable.

An action shot! Thanks for reading so far! Lol

So, I was strict with my diet for the last month (I usually am, this just meant no cheat days for a couple of weeks, really), and did weigh-ins periodically, then every day in the last week. It also meant doing a little bit of math and knowing exactly what kind of food I could have in the morning, and what was safe to do in terms of sweating just in case. It was good to know, because that came in handy!

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 136.2 (you get a 1lb allowance, so I was only .2 over). I did a shorty 15 minute HIIT workout so I could have a tiny bit of food and fluid, being very careful to not dehydrate or do anything stupid. I'm not going to cut weight for this, lol, but it would be truly ridiculous for me, at my height (5'5") and body composition (muscular, but not JACKED), to have to go in at 145 for being, you know, .2 over.

The nice side effect of a short workout in the morning was helping my nerves a little bit (they were BAD), so at least that helped me breathe. I don't know if I've ever been this anxious before competing before, and I'm not sure exactly why — I know there are no stakes besides my pride, there's no money on the line, this isn't my career! This is my hobby, for fuck's sake, so I don't know why my body interpreted "lets compete" as "we are going to WAR and we might DIE," but there it was! I was scared! Brains are stupid!

We got a tiny bit lost on the way, but it was ok because things were running behind at the tournament. No problem at all. I made weight (135.6) and started to warm up. The venue had plenty of extra space on a turf field to warm up, and Viki was a SAINT, not only to drive my nervous ass over, but to help me warm up about six times. I felt better after just drilling and flow rolling a tiny bit.

It was a long wait, but my gi division was up first. I had one opponent at bantamweight, so, a small bracket in gi.

Here's how it goes in a submission-only tournament: you have your brackets, for a full division it's basically semi-finals and finals, with a bronze medal match and the two winners do a gold/silver match. With two, it's best two out of three wins gold, the other person gets silver.

For blue belts, we have eight minute regulation matches. No points, no advantages, no stupid bullshit (sorry, I hate points tournaments). If you both survive eight minutes with no submissions, you go into overtime rounds: a back take, a spiderweb/armbar, and a classic head and arm triangle. For each, the defender needs to escape, and the attacker needs to submit. If you successfully escape, and you successfully submit, you win! If both people escape, or both people submit, you go to the next round, and it repeats as needed (back, armbar, triangle).

It's a great format, imo, and really suits my style: I play defense, I like to wear people down, and then go for it when I see an opportunity. I will play all kinds of wild positions and try to get creative and weird with it, and frankly have fun, and I think submission-only facilitates that!

Still, I was so goddamned nervous.

We started the match and it was ON. My opponent and I were really, really well matched. Size and skill wise, we gave each other a lot of hell. It was rough, too, and I have all the bruises on my face to prove it! But I was having fun. A lot of fun.

Overtime action shot!

Our match went through regulation, to overtime. I escaped her back take, but her coaches fought with the ref a little. I offered to do it again, because, hey, I want to do it better. This may have been stupid of me, but I also, like... the reason I like sub-only so much is that I hate stupid technicalities and bullshit. So I offered to go again and did! And I escaped pretty well. On my turn to attack, I submitted her.

I honestly couldn't believe I won a match in gi. The last time I got a gold medal in gi, it was because I went to the 30+ division, and my opponent was 53. I was happy to win that day, but like... c'mon. I was 35 at the time. In sub-only, women don't have age categories, and I believe my opponent was maybe a bit younger than me, but probably not far from my age, and tough as hell. She was my size, we were well-matched in strength. And she BROUGHT IT.

I remember that going through my head, like "you can win in gi???" I could hardly believe it. I got my hand raised IN GI.

This felt great, and I was basically in shock.

(I won't belabor this, but I hate the gi. I think I'm terrible in it. Tuesday night - my last hard training day before competition, I did ok, but felt demoralized. I almost cried after training and told Viki that night "I don't think I'm going to compete in gi" and thought about pulling my registration. This is why I couldn't believe it, lol).

We had a short break and went again. Again, we did the full regulation match - she had an armbar at one point that I escaped, and I did have a last second back take and choke attempt, but I ran out of time. We went to overtime, I escaped her back take... and I remember, in the moment, getting ready for my turn to attack: "this is probably for a medal. IN GI. You are this close!" and I cinched it with a submission. I got my hand raised again. I thanked her and her coaches, and even chatted with them a little.

We went to the podium - another woman congratulated me on the match, saying she watched it and love dit. The podium worker said the same, and I was flattered. Kirsten (my opponent, who again, was fucking AWESOME and tough) and I did the podium thing, getting our medals and taking pictures.

Podium action shot!

Then, it was off to watch my teammate Ollie compete and kick ass,  and then get changed for no-gi, where I absolutely knew Kirsten was going to come for blood, lol.

It still didn't feel real: a gold medal? Me? Danielle? Gi-hating Danielle who almost cried after just training in a gi on Tuesday night (again, nothing went wrong, lol, my training partners are incredibly conscientious and were preparing me!) - I let myself wear the medal for a couple of minutes before putting it in the backpack.

Even now, just about 24 hours later, it doesn't feel completely real. I swear, I only even compete in the gi because it's just five bucks more to do both divisions, and you may as well get all the rolls you can on a day you are showing up.

There was a pretty big time gap between gi and no gi, but I was honestly a little nervous again. They put a (fantastic) purple belt (that's the next skill level up if you aren't familiar with jiu jitsu, and a pretty huge gap for me, being honest) in our division, and I faced her first. There was really no pressure at all here, I do not expect to win against a purple belt. I feel — very honestly — that I have a very, very long way to go in blue. Based on how the day went, I do feel like I'm on my way, and making real improvements — But I'm no where near purple.

I survived about five minutes of an eight minute regulation period, and did survive a pretty intense back take at first, but she got me with a second back take and rear naked choke/crank. All the power to her!

Then, the bronze medal match was between me and Kirsten again (who I faced in gi). Holy shit, this was a doozy. We fought really, really hard in regulation. I know she wanted it BADLY after gi, and I could tell she had serious wrestling and probably Judo as well in her background. She tossed my ass around! It was rough and it was tough, and my face is a little fucked up today, not going to lie. But I loved it, and loved rolling with her — she had such good pressure, and beautiful knee cuts, and she was strong and fast and athletic.

We went through regulation, to the first overtime. I won the "rock paper scissors" to determine who went first and I took her back... and she escaped. She did her back attack, and I escaped. 

At this point, I was TIRED. Not no much cardio-tired (I have myself conditioned pretty well), but... "I want to lie down and sleep" tired. But I got her in the armbar position for the second round, squeezed... and got the tap! Again, I thought "you are this close to a medal!" and defended the second round armbar well.. I really, really thought I was out, but in the last possible instant she just NAILED IT and got my arm back and I had to tap. It was fantastic, she did well to grab it back.

So, we went to a third round of overtime. Triangle. I had her in, squeezed, cut the angle... and got the tap! Yes! Now, I really knew I was close. I tapped her, all I needed to do was escape her triangle and I'd have a bronze in no-gi. I wanted it. I really wanted it!

I got into her triangle. It was tight right away (which it should be!), I *thought* I had stacked her in the correct position to escape, I thought I could do it...

And then... I remember dreaming. I started coming to, thinking I was asleep in my bed, and that i was dreaming about competition. I started to become conscious, and I heard her say "I think she's out!" and saw her face and the ref's face. It took me a few moments, but I realized where I was, and that I had passed out completely. She sank a PERFECT blood choke on me. Absolutely picture perfect.

I sort of kept saying, in my confusion "I'm ok! I'm ok!" and shook her hand and kind of stumbled off the mat.

Me, laughing in utter confusion after taking a nice nap on the mat (my opponent was really nice about it!)

Later on, I realized: we were actually supposed to go to a fourth overtime round! We both submitted to a triangle (if you lose consciousness, that counts as a tap!), and I believe the ref was actually asking me if I wanted to continue. Hand to heart, I'm not trying to save face, I just didn't realize it at all, in my complete confusion. I accidentally forfeited by walking off, lol. I seriously had no idea, and honestly, it was probably better that I didn't try to do another round THAT confused.

But still, that is absolutely going to be something I kick myself about, for forever. Just being THAT CLOSE.

By the way, I will say: it was the second time losing consciousness in jiu jitsu (and the first time... I'm not sure I was all the way out, this time I absolutely was) — it doesn't hurt. I'm not saying it's pleasant or great, exactly, it's very, very disorienting, because you actually start to dream a bit and have NO IDEA where you are for a few. But I would rather that than a broken arm or a torn ACL, so, as things happen on the mat, really not a terrible experience.

Kirsten deserves all the respect in the world — she put me out, and FAST (I had no idea how fast until Viki told me, lol. I sure thought I was fighting it for much longer!). She was wonderful to compete with, and I felt we were very evenly matched and got the best out of one another. I chatted with her afterward and we both complimented one another.

Overall, I'm proud of how hard I fought. I know that, in competition, I have absolutely defeated my self before, and gotten so discouraged. It's never conscious, I will always push, I will always mechanically force myself to get back up and get back out. Always. But mentally, in the past, I've really fucked myself.

Yesterday, I vowed to stay patient, and I actually did. I stuck to a gameplan fully: patience, defense, attacking whenever I saw or felt an opportunity. I actually feel, for the first time, that I did my best out there, the best I can do with my jiu jitsu right now, at 4.5 years of training, as a blue belt with one stripe.

That is a wildly unfamiliar feeling. Every other time I've competed, I've come out with at least a few things that were "holy christ, I am terrible at X and need to work on Y." The only other slight exception was the sub only tournament I got my first-ever medals at (silver in both) where I legitimately shocked myself. Even then, I had a couple of specific things I needed to work on (ankle lock defense! I still think about it!)

I'm a little bit beat up today (that armbar I thought I was out of, then got caught right at the last second? I tapped on time, but "on time" with adrenaline is "a tiny bit late" so it hurts like hell today), and will probably just do cardio for a few days to take time to heal up before going back to grappling. But I feel really proud. I feel good about it. I feel stupid as hell for accidentally forfeiting, but overall very pleased with the day.

Where do I go from here? Rubber guard, baby! I want to get *great* at rubber guard. And this has given me a huge boost to keep chipping away at gi, no matter how much I may hate it in the moment. Because I won yesterday, I do get a free invitation to the submission only worlds for this tournament, so, that's something I can think about...

But for now... I'm going to try and let the good parts sink in. Viki got me victory pizza last night, and holy shit, I don't know if anything has ever tasted so good :D

[danielletinybruiser]

Two Years of Blue

It's been a bit since I updated here, since I suppose I mainly use my instagram account to talk about jiu jitsu. But hey, I have a few things to mull over, which tends to go better in writing, so here we are. Content warning for weight on this one.

I've been a blue belt for two years! And what a wild two years — I did change up my gym, and then, hey, there was this pandemic that ground the world to a halt (and is still doing so). I was very, very lucky, since I was able to train with Viki pretty much the whole time. We had access to mats, and were able to train, and they taught me a great deal: a lot of gi stuff, a ton of leg locks (I never went for them, or defended them well, until I basically just rolled with them for a year), and so much detail in passing and retaining guard.

Viki is a long, lanky blue belt, and I like to think I taught them a bit too. Maybe. 

But of course, even with rolling during lockdown and tons of other cross-training, it took me awhile — really, a few months — to feel a bit more in the groove with jiu jitsu again. We started going back to limited, vaxxed sessions starting in March, and slowly started going back to the gym normally as everyone else got vaxxed up. I'm finally going 3-4 days per week, consistently. This past week, I think I trained grappling every day aside from Wednesday. It's mid-July, which means it's taken me that whole time to feel like I'm getting there.

I'm also competing again in just under two weeks, which has (as it typically does) lit a little fire under me to get my shit together. Or attempt to!

One thing that did help, certainly, was doing a lot of cardio the whole time, and  focusing on getting that to a good place. All winter I did a lot of running, and yes, here it is... a lot of indoor cycling on a [cough, whisper] peleton. I know this makes me a bougie asshole. I know. But the workouts — on the bike and very much on the treadmill — are actually great. The running workouts with at least two of the coaches are appropriate for actual competitive runners. I've done workouts there that were extremely close to things I did as a competitive XC athlete in college. Back when I was actually fast. Fast-ish. I'm not fast anymore. Not even a tiny bit.

But my running is much improved, and the cycling has been an incredible, incredible base for me. I'm routinely doing longer or more challenging rides on non-BJJ days, and then often a shorter ride (or one of the functional strength routines) on days I roll at the gym. My whole thing with it is doing hard cardio when I'm already tired, so I get very used to pushing through. Endurance has never been my problem, but I know that I get slower physically — and, far worse, *super* discouraged mentally — when I get tired.

Doing this much cycling has had a hilarious and, uh, probably obvious side effect: I actually put on a little bit of muscle. I went into the whole Peleton thing thinking "yeah, I'll do cardio twice a day, and lose that stubborn couple of pounds that make competing at 125 dicey in like a month, easy!" and, HA. No. 

What I did get, though, are leg muscles that don't fatigue as fast. I have much more power and energy than I used to, and, hand-to-heart, I don't think I was in bad shape before. It's just... better now.

That took a couple of weeks to accept, I'll be honest. I felt pretty dumb: of fucking course spending... let's say 8 hours a week doing HIIT or climb rides on a bike would build muscle. I’d gain some weight from that, naturally. But now, I'm honestly thrilled to feel comfortable and much stronger at 135 anyway. 

That's where I was always going to be for grappling industries (where there's a 120 and a 135, nothing in between), and where there are 125 lb classes... it's honestly ok. I have a healthy diet, I stick to it rigorously (with the occasional cheat day, ofc), I do cardio almost every day, and I feel good. Will I be a little shortie in this weight class? Of course! But at least I feel like a stronger little shortie, and that's what counts.

As with all of this, let me be clear, I have no delusions of grandeur. This is an awesome hobby that I'm obsessed with! But I only want to compete to learn and get better and do it all on a pretty comfortable level. I'm probably never going to fuck with the open IBJJF tournaments, or anything like that. Give me a nice submission-only tournament for scrubs like me. (Honestly, I wish everything was just submission only. Forever.)

There are actual, legit athletes who use the baby tournaments for a tune-up, and young folks who may become legit athletes who are learning to compete and deal with pressure, probably just because this is NYC and there are world-class gyms here and all that. This 37-year-old goofy white bitch just wants to get as good as possible, given the obvious constraints. And enjoy myself.

To this end, my friends, coaches, and training partners deserve medals for dealing with me. Berto and Jaime (my friends and coaches) have been patiently leading me towards things I need to work on. Viki will roll with me and give me things I need to do based on our roll, and we'll drill them right then and there. And Caroline has been instrumental in me getting my head at least part of the way out of my ass, just going for things. For months, I was rolling, but just playing defense. Just talking to her about it helped, and now, every time we roll, I have that voice in my head telling me to go for things. It's helping.

I just hope I can keep that in mind in two weeks. I get nervous. Really, really nervous. I've competed... this might be nine times? This will be my third blue belt tournament, anyway, and it'll be the first since... January 2020. My head is usually so far up my ass — especially at first — that I will probably make some dumbass mistakes. But I'm working on accepting that I'll feel like an idiot and to just have fun with it and use it to LEARN and find some new things to work on. Embrace the doofus and enjoy.  

Gym Feelings

I also got very, very excited about my gym yesterday. Right before going to a (fantastic) Women/trans/non-binary folks Judo class taught by a really great woman black belt, I went on about how much I love my gym. How inclusive it is, and how, just *not a toxic MMA culture* place it is. I'm just going to copy a bunch of that thread here, just absolutely gushing about Chop and Chops:

Today, in a couple of hours, I'm going to a women/trans/nonbinary grappling class at my gym, taught by a woman Judo black belt. I'm PUMPED.

It's really important to me that my MMA gym is an inclusive, positive environment for me and for everyone. MMA -- and especially Jiu Jitsu -- does NOT need to be a place dominated by bros with awful politics and horrific tattoos. It can be for anyone to enjoy.

The door to my gym has a trans-inclusive rainbow flag on it. The brothers who run it make sure that all women, trans folks, enbies, and any GNC folks feels especially comfortable and have dependable training partners for each class, especially if they are new.

Here's another thing -- its' an MMA gym, there are plenty of cis dudes! But said dudes are respectful and gracious. I feel safe training with them BECAUSE of the atmosphere and attitude of the place, that's certainly not true everywhere.

One of my favorite training partners rn is a very, very sweet bigger white belt due who wrestled at a high level. If you've done BJJ, "bigger white belt who wrestled" is typically the scariest thing. But he is an absolute gentleman, doesn't just throw his weight around...

he is conscientious and I am learning SO MUCH from rolling with him. Again, in another atmosphere, I might be intimidated. In our gym, people learn to train hard but modulate and always respect their training partners.

I know I'm gushing at this point, lol. But I really can't overstate how much that atmosphere of respect and inclusivity is important and makes a massive difference. I'm a small queer woman, training there simply feels great to me, and that's everything.

That's the thread! I can't say enough good things about this place. It's also honestly a refuge for me, a place where I see my friends (where we all hug very aggressively for a couple hours, then chitchat). I guess it all comes down to this: I'm so, so lucky to be a part of this community. I want everyone in the world to have something they love, and amazing people to support them in it/enjoy it with them.

[danielletinybruiser]

On Competing as a blue belt

Last week -- exactly a week ago, I’ve made myself ruminate for a few days before posting -- I competed at Grappling Industries Manhattan. It was first time at GI at blue, though in December, I did my first blue belt tournament. Most of this, I wrote a week ago, but I have a few other conclusions here that I’ve added. Here goes!

January 18 2020

I competed today for the second time at blue belt (I did a sub only in December where I lost all my matches but got a bronze and a silver, but, since precisely none of them were in my weight class, I wasn’t mad about it).

Today was the toughest mentally. Out of my now-6 tournaments, I’ve never been this crushed and had to come from as far behind. I had a good warmup and went into gi feeling nervous -- the masters (30+) division disappeared and I was in the open division with teens and tough high level competitors that I suspect are being groomed for better things. Well I fucking sucked. I have no confidence in the gi, which doesn’t help, but I’ve been training it more lately, about 3 days per week out of 5-6 training days (I cross train on any days I don’t train BJJ). The last match was at least a little better and I got a couple of takedowns, but lesson number one today is:

I NEED TO TRAIN GI GRIPS

At this level and in my size (and 135 was a pretty good size today btw, most women were bigger/taller but I didn’t feel any weaker tbh) women in gi are technical. They pull guard and have game plans that start there. I have no answers for grips, even when I get into decent positions, I don’t control them because I just have such a completely no gi mindset. 

I want to move fast, I want to do wrestling-y smash passes and work a top game and get to the back. And I even like playing guard from the bottom and searching for fun triangles and sweeps - but quickly. No friction! What’s this controlling grips shit?? It’s boring and hurts my shitty wrists and I hate it.

That needs to change. I need to work with technical gi training partners who can just give me drills and baby level stuff to start with, and drill that every day.

Because it’s a massive, massive deficit and also affects my confidence. I feel like a fucking stooge walking into other gyms as a blue belt with NO grip knowledge and no ability to control positions. I feel like a week 1 white belt, and I’ve been training fairly solidly for three years now. Yes, there were a couple of months off for injury. And yes, I know that I work full time (and part time on top of that, with a volunteer gig as an EMT on top of THAT). I am 100% not trying to be great. I’m not trying to beat people who train three times a day. I just want to feel like a solid blue belt with at least some technique no matter what division I enter.

Today was the worst I’ve ever felt in this sport. I’ve never been so demoralized. But thankfully, I was able to do a little reset. I took a nap, I warmed up again, and I went into no gi much more confident.

I did better there. I won a match by submission, got a draw in another (it was a loss due to ref’s decision, but I’m happy with how I did there), and fought hard and for much longer than I could against a really intense and skilled competitor. I got takedowns, I got good positions, hey, I got an RNC with one arm.

I feel so much better there. I feel like I’m developing and improving at an ok pace in no-gi. In gi, believe it it not I know I’ve actually improved, just... I’m not nearly on the level of my competitors. There’s a huge hole.

And I want to fix it. Badly.

Grips! Grip breaks! Grips for positions! I want to train them, drill them, roll with them until they make as much sense to me as my other stuff does.

And none of this comes from me thinking I’m hot shit. I don’t think I’m great or good or even halfway decent. I just want to improve. To get better and learn to relax, roll confidently, and be open to learning from each roll. To really, deeply learn. I am getting in the way if that in that damned Cotton jacket - and that stops now.

What went right - I proved in no gi at least, that I don’t lack the cardio or speed or strength to compete with young adults and lol teens. I feel just as athletic and at least in no gi, my skills are getting somewhere.

It feels good to see that progress. My standup is still not great, but improving. I’m having some success with takedowns and just generally feeling confident enough to shoot.

And here’s a thing...

I’m proud of myself for being able to rally after gi. I felt BAD. I was ready to quit jiu jitsu for a few minutes there. Just near tears, heartbroken at spending so much time and still sucking so much... Truly demoralized. But I’m glad I was able to compose myself and come back and at least show a bit of improvement.

In the week since, I’ve been training in the gi and bringing a gi jacket to practice grips in even for no-gi sessions, to practice after class. I’m making myself at least learn a few useful grip breaks and grips for standup. I’m really trying to focus on better control and focus my weight in the right places for passing. I’m training as smart as I can, and learning more guard breaking - as a result as well of my coaches seeing what went well in competition and where we need to work harder, as a school.

I’m going to turn 36 really soon. Just about three weeks from now. I’d love to keep competing often, even with an utterly atrocious win-loss record at grappling industries (I’m not going to hide it, it’s like 6-27 right now) and a bad wrist and all that bullshit. Because when I’m at least winning a little and forcing draws, and making demonstrable improvements, I love competition. I don’t need to medal every time (though yeah, I would VERY MUCH like to get back to winning medals again, lol, that feels nice!)

I’m going to work my tiny ass off until we see the next round of improvements. For the second half of my thirties, let’s let this be a good, solid, FUN, and useful time as an athlete.

[danielletinybruiser]

2.5 Years of grappling

Holy wow, it has been a very, very long time since I wrote in here. 

I’ll make up for it a little with a bit of a progress report on my training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (with a little smattering of Judo, Freestyle and Greco-Roman wrestling), especially with how much I have enjoyed competing in the last year.

In the last year: starting in August 2018, I’ve competed four times as a white belt/beginner.

The first Comp, in August, taught me about focus and Adrenalin. I almost barfed after my first match! But I was ok after that, and did ok, sort of, lol. I won one match via submission: with a triangle choke (I had never even got one in rolling before!), and while I lost a bunch, I had a couple of close matches. I was hungry for more!

The second competition, in November 2018, SUCKED. I sucked. I lost every match. I had a couple of close ones, but it was awful. But I knew at least what I had to work on.

I did a sub only competition in January and SHOCKED myself. I got silver medals in both gi and no gi, and every loss came after a long battle: 20 minutes in the gi match and 40 mins in the final no gi match. And I had a nice submission victory in no gi with a rear naked choke. That felt amazing.

Honestly I was surprised. Competition is hard, and you do get an adrenaline rush that can make time warp all over the place, and it’s so easy to slip up and just... WHOOOPS YOU LOST. But I felt calmer and more controlled and focused. Dom, who coached me and helped me all day, said I made him proud. Another training partner said he was inspired! This was the best I’d ever done, and it felt amazing.

Last month, in May, I got my very first gold medal in competition. I had one opponent in my division, I won our first match 6-0, and our second match 20-0. In GI! I’ve always though I sucked much worse in gi (but had been spending much, much more time training it).

The numbers sound like a shutout, but my opponent was a four stripe white belt with genuinely good defense. She was strong as hell and I didn’t submit her! I was just first - I got a nice judo takedown in our first fight and just controlled her well. But I don’t think for a second that she was a pushover or unskilled at all. This was her first comp and she did well to defend beautifully.

She kindly let me know she couldn’t stay for the no-gi division, so I had the comp officials through me in with the general adult division for no-gi. I could’ve accepted an empty gold medal but lol, I came to compete.

And frankly, in no gi, I got my ass kicked. Importantly, it was kicked LESS than it was in competitions past. Even when I lost, I lost by very little, and at least had some successes. I had one total fuckup loss, going for a bad takedown on a far superior wrestler. That one was allllll my fault and my dumb ass got guillotined.

The two middle losses sucked, but they were close. I only lost my a couple of points and at least had another takedown.

And my last no gi match was a nice clean win, I took my opponents back and got a submission via rear naked choke.

It was a day of highs (my first gold medal!!! That back take and submission in no gi!) and lows (Jesus christ I need to work on my wrestling). I won exactly half of my matches: 3/6 which is actually my best ratio ever. And I’m getting a bit better in the gi.

I LOVE competing. Even though I do get angry with myself when I do poorly, and lord knows, I still get very nervous before my first match. I generally love the vibe, and I love being able to really, clearly pinpoint my growth, my successes, and my biggest weaknesses. Competition has made me so much sharper and given me a real roadmap and sense of empowerment over my own path in grappling.

Now to the obvious.

I am mortified to still be a white belt after training for two and a half years. I did have a couple of months off for injury (the evil garbage wrist), but that’s offset by the months I had started training BJJ in San Francisco.

^ Accurate view of myself trying to learn a new technique.

I’ve been thinking deeply on it lately. Trying to be extremely mindful in my training and my focus. I think part of it is how ridiculously slowly I learn in drilling a new technique.

It’s embarrassing, but my brain is such that a new technique takes me a very, very long time to even parse, let alone get half right, let alone “nail”

Yet, when I’m sparring live, things come to me. Things “occur” to me. Things make sense. My body is so much smarter than my conscious mind, and I know that overthinking things is my biggest weakness.

So how do I mitigate that? How do I learn to, well, LEARN new techniques without feeling like a day one student? I’m honestly not sure. I don’t think I’m good or anything, I just know I’m not AS BAD at this as I appear when I’m drilling. I think I need to find some sort of mental framing that will help me figure things out a bit more smoothly.

All of this is important to me because grappling has gotten me through one of the hands-down worst periods of my life. 2018 was a completely unmitigated disaster and 2019 started off rough as hell. BJJ has been my therapy (alongside actual therapy ofc), it is a beautiful infinite road that I am happy to be on, happy to make any inch of progress upon. It is always there and it will always be hard. It teaches me patience, even when I get frustrated.

And it makes me feel powerful and physically good - happy in my own body.

So that’s what I’ve got right now. I’m loving this sport, I’m loving the art, I’m loving the practice. All that’s to do is focus on learning, improving, and continuing to go down this road.

[danielletinybruiser]

Back tonight!

I haven’t been to my MMA gym since the very, very end of October/beginning of November, thanks to my busted, beat up, totally shitty left wrist. I’ve been careful. I saw my ortho doc right away once it started hurting, and I’ve been going to Occupational Therapy for months. A few weeks ago (just about 3 weeks), I was cleared to “go back to my activities,” and this weekend, I decided tonight would be the night. I waited extra long just to be safe.

I’m actually terrified.

Not of the usual shit: I am 100% positive I’ll have my ass handed to me many times. That’s fine!

No, I’m scared of hurting this wrist again, scared of the implications, scared of having my time in grappling *at all* being limited.

I’ve been swimming the last couple of months. Lessons at the Y (I learned to swim as a kid, but these are classes on stroke technique/form), and lots of lap swimming. I like swimming a lot, and I hope to do it basically forever. It can be a high-intensity but blessedly low-impact thing I can hopefully do until the day I die, which might be more than I can say for running at this point (I have constant low-level hip issues, and by the way, Jesus Christ, I’m 34, not 94).

Longevity is now something I have to think about pretty seriously. I hit the official “mid thirties” point a few weeks ago, and it is abundantly fucking clear that being an aging athlete is not for the weak of heart. And my drive and tenacity—things that always got me through tough races—are not enough to get by in a body that will only get more injury-prone from here.

So yeah, I have to train smarter. The pool is a big part of that. We also got a pretty nice recumbent bike at home, and I’ve been doing a lotttttt of cardio on that thing, which is good! Is it *as* good as running? Hell no! But it doesn’t fuck my hips up, so, it’s a good alternative.

And I’ll be starting out relatively slow again in grappling. Once a week for a bit, then working up to 2x. I miss the days I went 4x/week, but I’m way too scared to try that on this wrist right now. The fact that progressing in the sport will be even slower basically kills me. I really wanted to be at least a solid way towards my blue belt by now, but having to take 4 months off because my skeleton is utterly fucked was... well, it was what I had to do.

I know that my days in grappling may be numbered. I have to think realistically about goals. I want to compete, I want to stay healthy and train as much as i safely can, and enjoy the process, and try to enjoy every moment I have with it. That will be my immediate goal.

Am I very angry that I can’t just do this thing every day? Yeah. Very few things make me genuinely happy. This is one of them.

I look back on some of what I’ve written here in my little workout blog, and it’s a little depressing. More than a little indulgent. Lot of “coulda shoulda woulda” that, to be fair, is down to injury and not a lack of work ethic or drive. But I know I still sound like a kid kicking rocks down a dirt road.

I guess this is the place where I contend with that. Exercise is the only time I feel like I have real peace of mind. Training with intensity and purpose—really pushing myself, and being proud of the results—is how I feel ok. Competing is fun for me, not even just, to win or be the best, but to measure my own progress.

Being sidelined from these things makes me feel useless, shitty, and like a fucking loser. There’s no other way to put it but to use the meathead term: a loser. 

We can unpack that a little, I suppose. To me, the effort is the best part. The training. Feeling myself “get it.” I imagine a really, really, REALLY long path or road. I know that I’m only ever crawling, or maybe walking slow, and its a thousand miles long. But it’s ok, as long as I’m moving. But if I have to stop: like, when I get injured—it feels like I am a pile of feces in a Danielle-shaped mold.

So, I do my workouts to stay in shape. I found a new activity to love (swimming) and hell, one day I may even try to find a master’s swim team so I can be the crazy person I know I am, because I basically can’t do anything athletic without wanting to compete in it :)

And I’m going back tonight. It’s a big deal to me. I hope against hope I can stay on the road a very long time this time.

Do I know i’ll fall off again—be hurt again? Yeah. I know. And I’ll try my goddamndest to deal with it intelligently, and focus on swimming again, and get back as safely as I can.

Back on the infinite road again.

[danielletinybruiser]

Back on the wrist

Oh, fitness blog. It’s been so long. Too long, I think. Here’s how 2017 went: I got into grappling again. Way, wayyyyy wayyyyyyyy deep into grappling. I “shopped” for a BJJ gym around the new year, found a place I adored, and went 3-4 days/week, training primarily grappling (with a few private boxing lessons here and there). It’s a fantastic place, with friendly, dedicated, kind people, all of whom make great training partners, with a professor who is insanely knowledgeable, a good teacher, and also, as a bonus, a hilarious, no-bullshit dude.

I earned my stripe in early June, allowing me to participate in the sparring, and that’s when the magic *really* kicked in.

I fell deeply in love with wrestling, judo, and BJJ. I learned to appreciate the art of the takedown, even though I’m tiny. I started to feel like I was really, really progressing, getting some (some!) decent-ish submissions, even. Escaping from terrible positions. 

Going to grappling at night, most weeknights, kept me sane. It made me happy - I’d have a rough day at work, then go throw around for two-three hours, and, like magic, I’d feel better.

But then! Right after Halloween, it happened again. My cursed fucking wrist started to hurt. I immediately backed off, saw my orthopedic doctor, and started occupational therapy. I took it seriously, vowed to take care of it properly, and took action. All the shit I’m supposed to do.

It’s very funny, because the very week this happened, one day, walking to the gym, I told myself “you’ll get hurt again. It’ll be ok, you just have to have a good attitude about it” blah blah. Then, like, the next day, I tore something in there, and WOOF.

I’d like to tell you that I’ve had a non-shitty attitude about it, but lord, there have been some bad days. What I can say is that I’ve started swimming—in an “adult advanced” swimming class at the Y, and swimming laps for fitness. I’d like it to be a primary activity every time I do get hurt, since it’s a hell of a workout.

I also started a hip hop dance class, which, ha. I can’t dance, but i’m having fun.

So, I’m trying insanely hard to be positive. It’s been rough otherwise: my dad got sick (brain tumor), and not being about to take my anxiety out with grappling basically killed me a little bit late last fall. 

And I had a very, very bad night last week when all hope felt lost to return to grappling. My wrist was hurting, and the other one starting to really hurt, from compensating. I was ready to throw out these stupid fucking useless arms, for the months of careful care and attention feeling so utterly useless...

I have a pretty fucked up bone structure in the forearm, there is a surgery to mitigate some of it, but i’ve been warned that I’d “never box again” if I had it done, which... look, I’m barely boxing at all any more, I’m incredibly careful, but hearing “never again” makes me panic.

Working with some excellent Occupational Therapists, I have found some treatment options that help. I’m sleeping in a compression sleeve and a splint, and I *think* I’ve mostly adapted to a new activity regime - running, lots of core, some lifting (with weights on my forearms, I can’t put any pressure on my hands), and now, swimming and a little dancing. I’m hoping very, very hard I can return safely to grappling next month, for my birthday. My 34th birthday. Fuck.

There’s nothing especially awesome about being an aging athlete. Or good, in the slightest. I’ve always been injury-prone, and I will never *not* have a chip on my shoulder about that. I have no doubt in my mind I could’ve been *actually good* at a couple of things if my stupid fucking bones weren’t out of alignment. I have the mental toughness, discipline, work ethic, and, very luckily, some natural athleticism that comprise some of the raw materials for a decent athlete.

All I can do now is try very, very hard not to let it get me down. To work out intelligently, with the same ferocity I do in my chosen sport, so I can at least be at a decent level of fitness when I get back. I’m firmly in the “I will get back” camp now, after that moment of despair last week.

But I know it might now be for forever. As much as that kills me, I have to accept that every day I get to grapple will be, basically, a fucking gift. And a precious resource.

Am I jealous of folks who can train for years and not have stupid fucking roadblocks? Yes. But I also know many people are jealous of me: the good luck I’ve had in my life to be gifted with everything I have. I’m a very, VERY, enormously lucky little asshole, and I will never forget that.

So again, the best I can do now is cross train safely, do my OT, and do my damndest to not have a shitty attitude about everything.

And dream of the day - hopefully soon - when I can go back. I’ve never wanted to be squished to a pulp by a much bigger dude’s ass more.

[danielletinybruiser]

So, I started grappling again

I haven’t touched this little workout blog in a long, looooong time. There are reasons... a bad summer, a bad injury. Then: good things: a great new job, new schedule, and excitingly: a new gym and new focus!

Hence, I’m back, baby!

I joined my MMA gym in early January, right after the new year. I “shopped” a tiny bit during that slow week between Christmas and the new year, eager to find a place that felt right, to return to BJJ and also maybe do some striking (albeit with my bad wrist as a factor in keeping it VERY LIGHT).

I joined my gym—a smaller, much friendlier kind of place—over the big name gym in the same neighborhood, and i’m so glad I did. I’ve found a community here, and best of all, I’ve found how much I LOVE grappling.

I had previously done boxing for 2-ish years, barring injury time. And i had tried BJJ a bit... but got hurt. Here, I’ve focused on grappling, which we train as Freestyle + Greco-Roman Wrestling, Judo, and BJJ. I train both gi and no-gi, and love both. And I got my first stripe (on my good old white belt) in early June, so I’ve been sparring for real, both rolling BJJ and doing takedown sparring w. wrestling and Judo.

I love it. I love it so much that it brings me way up after hard, long days. I love it even though I’m a total beginner: there’s an incredible comfort in knowing that this is a long, long, LONG road to competency, let alone mastery, and that road will always be there for me. I can always, every day, put miles on that road. Or steps. Tiny little shuffling steps that will turn into miles if I just stay on it.

It’s a very martial arts-y thing, but that metaphor makes complete emotional sense to me. I love it. I never want to stop.

Another thing I’ve found out: wrestling is as physically intense as boxing. Sparring leaves me grabbing my knees, breathing hard, after a few short rounds. Its fucking GLORIOUS and again, I love it. 

Do I wish so very much that I found this before i was 33, before I turned into an aging athlete? Fuck, yes. But I’m glad I found it now. And I’m sure as hell not going to waste any time :)

I have goals: I’d like to compete. Not as a professional, or anything super fancy: no, local tournaments will do. I just want to gain some skills and be able to test them against real opponents, that idea is exhilarating to me. 

I have bad days still, certainly. I always will. And I will always be terrified of injury, which has sidelined me before (and frankly, I think I coulda/shoulda/woulda been a seriously good athlete if I wasn’t so injury prone, but, again, not going to go down that sad road). But this school is a lot more hardcore and diligent than my old gym. We aren’t even allowed to spar—at all—until months in, after earning the first promotion. And I am anal about dynamic warmups, stretching, and being loose/relaxed as can be during training.

I have a lot more to say—it’s been awhile, and I’ve been doing this 3 days/week for 8 months now—but I’ll leave this for now, as a little homecoming for this blog.

I’m back, baby!

[danielletinybruiser]

Bad news

A week ago, I had an appointment with a hand surgeon to look at my wrist. He was a referral from a pain specialist/orthopedic Dr. for that ‘mild sprain’ from June that still hurts.

I got a second set of x-rays and he comes in all “yeah, I know what the problem is”

Apparently I have a severe case of what is called Madelung’s Deformity in my wrist. When I was growing, my ulna kept growing long after my radius stopped. It’s causing my wrists to be like, severely fucked up, to use a very medical term.

He told me that impact sports (impact on the wrist) will be really dicey. I can “try again in a month or two” with boxing, but he didn’t seem hopeful. He told me about how he used to run marathons, “but now, after three knee surgeries...” he trailed off.

Is boxing out 100% -- I’m not sure, honestly. I know it doesn’t look good, and after I literally broke a bone from overuse (my tibia, from running too much in 2008), I have *tried* to be very careful with injuries. I know it’s never going to miraculously heal, and if I do have the surgery available for it, which the surgeon said he did not recommend, he was clear on this point “then you’d never box again.”

I thanked him after joking that I guess I’ll never be an amazing pro boxer, and walked off to central park, where I proceeded to talk to my poor mother for 45 minutes about how much I am a complete mess of a human being.

My mother is a wonderful, kind soul, and offered solace.

It was a really beautiful day, warm, but with that little September nip in the air. I remember thinking it was shitty to ruin such a gorgeous day, and I just sort of walked around and explored the park and eventually wandered down to my gf’s office in Union Square.

I spent this summer really, really depressed because I couldn’t box. There’s a lot: the move last year was tough and I got so busy and so wrapped up in being in a new place/new job/becoming an EMT again/new pets/ that I don’t think it fully hit me until things slowed down and I had mandatory time off from, well, punching the fuck out of things.

And, yeah, the messed up hamstring meant I couldn’t run much this summer, either. So, there were a large number of days where getting out of bed was pretty tough. 

Getting this news was, not going to lie, devastating.

I’m going to try and use this as an excuse to get serious about Brazilian JiuJitsu and generally, grappling again. I keep telling folks that now I’ll focus on choking people instead of punching them! I say it with a smile, because yes, I am trying to be positive, and yes, I am looking forward to more BJJ.

But again, this is kind of killing me. Let’s count the ways:

1. I feel like I had some actual, decent potential, and it’s down the fucking drain. No, of course I was never going to be some great pro. But I am, legitimately, strong for my size, tough, and I have good reflexes for counter-punching. I have good stamina. I was able to at least hold my own in the ring with much bigger women and dudes. And I was never phased by getting rocked in the face. Getting hit pretty much always just made me hit back harder. I just wanted to compete on a local level. Nothing crazy. A few amateur fights, maybe a smoker or two. Exhibition stuff. I just wanted that. I spent 3 years boxing (yes, with some time off for smaller injuries). It feels like such a fucking waste. Coulda been a contender kinda shit.

2. I have, if I want it, a fight at my old gym, coming right up in October. Just a fight night thing, but the fact that they’re still thinking of me at my (beloved) old gym warms my stupid heart. And breaks it.

3. This is my main source of stress relief and sanity, especially because I still can’t run much. I hope grappling can replace that. But I’ve also gotten hurt grappling. Which leads to 4.

4. Here’s a nasty one. I’m 32. This is totally, absolutely, a specter of aging. The first signs that my body - a body that, unlike basically every other American woman - I really like and enjoy living in - is going to start falling the fuck apart. That I will be dust one day. That these muscles that I’m proud of will fail me. That I’ll just get slower and weaker and shittier with age.

I know that no one likes that line of thinking. No one wants to age. But I’m an obsessive athlete. I take note of my vital signs constantly. My weight. My mile times. I am, and always have been, obsessed with my own physical prowess and excellence.

When I started getting panic attacks a few years ago, this started to creep up. The fainting on the side of the road after crazy runs type of stuff. I knew I had limits, I knew I’d approach them. 

But I’m dealing with them very poorly.

A huge part of me is angry. I’m so pissed that I didn’t train to be a ridiculous athlete when I was young. That I missed out on the one area of life I may have some kind of actual talent in, because I didn’t take this stuff seriously until far too late. 

A huge part of me is scared: that specter of aging. It’s tied in, naturally, with other anxieties of being a woman in her 30s - whether I could/should/really want to biologically have a child, and staring down the face of that particular ugly clock as well.

But the biggest part is simply depressed. I feel like I’ve lost something so dear to me, something that’s given me so much joy and so much hope. I have always, without exception, walked out of a boxing gym feeling 15x better than when I walked in. Yes, even on nights or days when I got the shit kicked out of me. 

This is my personality. I’m a little jock. I like to compete and put 100% of myself physically into things. I like to fight (in a safe way!). I’m simply *not happy* without it.

I don’t feel ok. I don’t feel whole. I don’t feel like myself without it.

And please don’t misunderstand: I’m not comparing myself in any way to others. I have a very, very nice life. I am very grateful for my health, for my family, my friends, for my opportunities. All told, I have it better than the vast, vast majority of people in this world.

I’m just... kind of mourning the loss of something that means a lot to me.

[danielletinybruiser]

126.6

My weight this morning, after my now-typical workout of 20 minutes shadowboxing, then 10 minutes of wall-sits (mixed with pushups and abs). I hadn’t intended this program for weight loss, necessarily, but I’m happy that I am hovering right around flyweight without even really trying.

I can hit very, very hard for a flyweight.

As ever, it’s also keeping with the philosophy I’ve been holding onto all summer - multiple workouts a day. One “bigger” session, and tons of walking (often with the puppy).

I watch UFC fights while I shadowbox. Been working a ton on my southpaw stance and jab, while I’m at it. It’s not bad - nowhere near as exciting as actually being in the gym, working mitts/bag and sparring, but hey, it keeps me engaged.

As an athlete, I’m a cheesy person. Cheesy as hell. We all are, if we’re being honest. The thrill of a fight, the heart of someone duking it out like their life depended on it, the purity of the sport itself (not talking about all the bullshit that surrounds professional combat sports). It’s intoxicating.

And yes, I have my delusions of granduer that keep me working hard. I do it while i’m running, and maybe having a tough mile. I picture myself in some amazing race - the olympics, or, better, an ultra marathon, breaking some insane world record. I do it when I work out, allow myself to have that fantasy that one day, despite my age, I could step into a professional ring/octagon.

Don’t worry, I’m not crazy! I do want to compete, but on a local, amateur level. I’m a good athlete, in fairness, but old and far too prone to falling apart for all that shit to work out.

That will never stop me from training and competing, mind :)

[danielletinybruiser]

Progress!

It’s been a little tough lately -- I thought my hip (possibly my hamstring, Dr. wasn’t 100% and neither am I) was getting better, but I had to take a week off of running thanks to a little nasty soreness.

Normally, soreness is totally cool. I eat soreness for breakfast and all that shit. But when I’m injured, I can’t ignore it. That shit leads to things like a broken bone in my leg (legit - I put a stress fracture all the way through my tibia in 2008. Had to use a bone growth stimulator to heal the bone. All of it 100% from running on it. I broke my leg from running too hard! I am like the shittiest, tiniest Hulk in the world!)

So, it’s been a haul - lighter daily workouts leading to anxiety leading to no sleep leading to depression. Exercise is very literally my medicine for dealing with that stuff, so, when I have to be on a lower dose like this, I feel like hot garbage.

The other day, though, I got some 5lb ankle weights. They are now wrist weights - and yes, I can wear them in such a way that they don’t hurt my wrist. They are monsters on my tiny little paws, but they work.

After a few days of experimentation - figuring out what I can and cannot do with their fairly unwieldy things on my forearms, I developed a nice little routine.

1. 7 minutes of slow, weighted shadowboxing. Emphasizing form. Hooks are no good in this, but otherwise, this is great for slow combos, and gets my arms nice and BURNY.

2. Short lifting sets. Today, I did 2 sets of 15x shoulder flys, 2 sets of 15x Y press, 2 sets of 20 seconds forward weights circles and 2 sets of 20 seconds backward weighted circles. Nice, quick little lift, mainly targeting my shoulders with a low weight and high reps.

3. 20 minutes shadowboxing. Then, 20 minutes of nice cardio. Throwing combinations, practicing my southpaw stance, slips and ducks. Putting it all together as if I’m in an actual ring. I like to watch fights while I do this (thank you, fightpass) to keep my motivation and speed up. 20 minutes is long for one round, but shit, I need to do SOMETHING to keep things going.

I finally, FINALLY found a nice balance of elements - bit of weights, bit of cardio, bit of variety - that made me feel like a human being again, after a week of feeling like a shitty zombie.

I’ll alternate this with abs, tons of walking, and hopefully get back to running this week after something of a preventative week off.

I’m still holding steady wrt weight, yesterday I was at 129.4, so, as spare as this routine is, it seems to be working. 

As ever, injury time sucks so, so much. This is my first double-injury, so, I’m learning to deal with it when ALL of my toys have been taken away (substitute ‘toys’ for activities that make me feel alive, and you get a little closer to the truth here). Usually, if I have to stop boxing, I can at least run. Or if I have to stop running, I can still box.

I’m getting there. One gingerly-placed step at a time. Thank the sweet baby Jesus for this little breakthrough.

[danielletinybruiser]

FUN TIMES!

And now, a post about depression.

You may wonder why I’d want to write about such a thing on my little fitness blog. Two reasons. First, I’ve found it useful to be open about depression/anxiety, because if I can make someone out in the wilds of the internet feel less shitty/alone/etc., then that’s a good thing. Second, because the main reason for my truly compulsive workout habit is my emotional health.

I have worked out every single day of my life since March 1997 (I was 13!) because it is the only damned thing that makes me feel normal. Sane. On the level. Pick whatever phrase you like, but running (and lifting, boxing, BJJ, hiking, climbing, whatever) makes me feel alive and want to be alive. It makes me feel good, and present, and fully myself.

If I don’t work out enough (say, from light workouts in an injury recovery time, or if I worked out early one day and I’m doing so late the next), I feel like utter and complete shit. I feel anxious enough to shake. I feel disgusting and dirty and awful.

So yeah, it’s an addiction, on some level. But it keeps me sane.

I have, by all accounts, a really, REALLY nice life. I had a good childhood, in a happy, loving family. I have a good job, a second good job, a volunteer gig I enjoy and find fulfilling. A loving partner. Cute pets. A healthy body. Hobbies that I love. Awesome friends. A life that I’m proud of and grateful for.

I’ve got things about as good as a white, middle-class white gal can possibly have in this country. Which is, again, pretty fucking good.

Yes, I get frustrated with myself when I feel depressed. I know that it is a clinical condition, that it doesn’t make me ungrateful or a shitty person. But when I’m in it, full blast, I can’t help but think those things. That I’m pretty much a useless, shitty waste of space. That’s common, I think. 

The other day, I felt awful. Can’t-get-out-of-bed-fuck-all-of-this awful. I don’t really know why - again, things are going pretty well in my life! But depression, like anxiety, has become a very intensely physical experience as I’ve gotten older. I used to *think* more shitty things when I was younger and feeling bad. Now I just physically feel like I’ve been hit by a car. A really crappy car.

My sister came to visit, and we went for a run (as we often do when we visit). It was life-affirming. Just a little 3-mile jaunt in the park, nothing crazy. But that’s what I needed - just good company, a good little run outdoors - and I was back to myself.

I know that exercise isn’t easy for a lot of people. The reality of working a million hours, often to feed one’s family, means a whole lot of hard working people are too exhausted to do much. Our culture sucks in this regard.

But, it helps me. It helps me immeasurably. That’s all I can say, I suppose. And encourage folks - if they can - to find some physical activity that they like, that fits, even if it’s only in the cracks of time between other things, because it helps.

It’s the only thing that does.

[danielletinybruiser]

Running Routine

When I’m *not* injured, I have a rad little running program. It’s changed quite a bit from my San Francisco days (there are no great hills here. Like, at all. I have to rely on my treadmill for those, and the grade tops out at 15%)

Typically, I run 3x/week - around every other day. I generally don’t run two days in a row, to give my legs/lower back a bit of recovery time.

2 days are regular runs - 3-6 miles, sometimes with a couple of pickup sprints or some hills, if I’m on the treadmill (which I use primarily in winter, I vastly prefer the outdoor world!).

1 day is usually a sprinting/speedwork day. These workouts are a far, far cry from what I used to do in my XC days, but, hey, they get the job done and give me decent cardio for boxing.

I like to warm up for a mile, then get down to business. I’ll do 800s (that’s two laps on a standard track), sometimes 1200s and often a couple of 400s. 

Occasionally, I’ll warm up for one mile, then just do one mile HARD, recover for a lap, then get a 400 in and cool down for half a mile. It’s a quick, 3-mile workout, but again, gets the job done nicely.

Finally, about every other week I do a long run. I define those as 8+ miles, and recently, that’s mostly meant 8-11. I like running through middle village in Queens - there’s a really beautiful park there with a track. It’s a bit over 3 miles from my house, so, I run there, do a couple of miles on the track (usually watching whatever soccer match is taking place on the field. Always soccer! It’s nice.), run home, and I’ve got my 8-11 miles, depending on how I feel that day.

The long run gives me a nice base, and basically keeps me half marathon ready at all times. I do these nice and slow, though I do like to do a couple of speedier pickups on the track, to keep myself on my toes, so to speak.

The other 3-4 days a week? I’m boxing or lifting. Often both, since that’s the routine at my gym - we lift before we box/spar/do heavy bag work or mitt work. 

And I do usually take an easy day once a week, where I just do an ab routine and stretch.

Right now, I’m injured and I’ll be working back to my normal routine. I’ll get there, eventually... Just, one foot in front of the other.

[danielletinybruiser]

129.8

With a strained hip flexor on my right side and a sprained wrist on my left, it’s been a... challenging time to stay ‘on weight.’ That is, I like being pretty close to 125 (flyweight!), the weight class that I box at.

(Again, for those reading this, I do NOT think weight is a great overall barometer of health and fitness, I think people look damn good at any weight, and getting exercise and eating fairly well are the only things you should worry about, if you’re starting out!)

I like staying pretty close, because, unless I ever become an elite athlete (not fucking likely at 32, sad to say), I’d like to never do any drastic weight cutting. Ever. It’s terrible for your body, and I’m prone to fainting without dangerously dehydrating my body. I’m sure that, at my height (5″ 5′), if I ever were to compete at a higher level, there’d be massive pressure to go to straweight (115) which is so not great, for many reasons.

I’ll rant about this again someday, but the entire practice of weight cutting is dangerous and so fucking stupid and pointless. If literally every MMA fighter has to do it, then they’re fighting people the exact same size as them anyway. Just move everyone up a class and call it a day. God.

Anyway, tonight I was at 129.8, which is a great place for me to be, especially while injured. I’m keeping that nice base so that I can hopefully pick up without completely feeling like shit when I start boxing/BJJ again, hopefully by August.

I’ve been following a self-designed little “program” to stay here, which follows the logic we had in Cross Country pre-season - exercising multiple times per day.

XC pre-season was rigerous. We ran around 3 miles in the morning every day, then again at like 4 pm, with a much tougher workout. Maybe 5-6 miles of hill sprints or 3-4 of speedwork. Maybe mile repeats (these are tough - you jog a bit, then run a mile as fast as you can, jog, rinse and repeat).

Maybe we’d run 8 miles in the evening, at a slower pace.

But it was a week of running twice a day, to jumpstart the season. Even as very fit young women, we’d all lose like 10 pounds in that week. And that was after a full summer of fairly intense training.

(God, I used to be a really decent runner. I miss those days.)

Anyway, on that principle, I’ve been going for multiple walks per day, on top of my cardio routines. As I’m pretty limited for cardio (it’s kind of like, intense shadowboxing, or walking up super-intense hills on my treadmill - all low impact stuff), it’s helping.

So, I’ll walk maybe 1-1.5 miles early in the day, and again at night. That plus some cardio/abs/lower body workout stuff, depending on the day, is keeping me sane.

Holy shit, do I need to go back to boxing and hitting things though. Goddamn.

I will start running 2x/week this week, depending on what my hip can tolerate. This has been a frustrating, grind-y injury - always low level, since I stopped my usual running routine when it started to hurt - I learned SOMETHING over the years. 

But, as usual, patience. And persistence. And multiple doses of exercise throughout the day. That���s what’s keeping me here.

[danielletinybruiser]

Through training I’ve learned that the toughest people are quite often the nicest. Don’t play the tough guy, just be yourself.

Sarah Kaufman (via mmaquotes)

[danielletinybruiser]

Injuries and cross training

I’m injury prone. Like, REALLY injury-prone.

My junior and senior college seasons of XC, I tore my hip flexor. I did that during my freshman Lacrosse season in college too.

Six months into training BJJ, I tore an intercostal (rib muscle, it REALLY HURT), which I re-tore again two months later. I had to stop combat sports altogether for a huge chunk of 2015, and the first three months of this year.

And holy shit, I actually once broke my tibia from overuse with running. At the age of 24! I had to use a bone growth stimulator to heal the bone.

So, you can imagine, this pisses me off to no end. I have never run a marathon (I do love a good half) because every time I start to train for one, I break, tear, twist or otherwise fuck something up. It’s maddening. It has kept me from competing as a boxer and training BJJ enough to even think about competing yet. At 32, it’s absolutely killing me, since, let’s face it, my window to be truly competitive athlete is closing mighty fast.

(Now, I don’t have any delusions of grandeur. I don’t expect to be any kind of pro fighter. I just want to be able to compete in local tournaments and not embarrass myself. To compete as a decent amateur. I think this is perfectly reasonable, something plenty of folks get to at least try out.)

Yes, I know there are good injury prevention techniques - I’ve gone to enough physical therapy to learn them. And I’m good about them. I’m good about rest - I take easy days where most muscle groups can get the needed rest.

I just... train way, way too hard sometimes. Or do stupid things like sprain my wrist carrying groceries the wrong way (and then seal the deal with a terrible left hook that struck the heavy bag ALL WRONG).

That’s my current issue, along with - you guessed it! A strained hip flexor!

So, with no boxing and -extremely- limited running (1x per week for awhile, I’m hoping to get back to 2x per week soon), I’ve had limited options for cross training.

I had a rough couple of weeks when I was definitely not getting enough exercise. I had an awful time sleeping, I felt terrible, and I was just a miserable person. I did light workouts, sure, but it just WASN’T ENOUGH, MAN.

I tried SoulCycle, which is fun and a good workout, but GOOD HOLY FUCK the entire enterprise is really pricey, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but, um, pretty exclusive to rich white people. I prefer to be in a gym with a little diversity.

I’m not hating on it - it really is a good workout. Just... god, it’s no boxing.

Lately, I’ve been doing a ton of abs. Abs abs abs. A great deal of walking. Walking the dog (he likes that), walking at 13-14% grade on my treadmill (for moderate intensity but low impact), walking to my volunteer ambulance gig. Just... walking everywhere.

I’ve also been doing lots of shadowboxing workouts. I’ll put on a fight and do combos for long rounds - 15 and 20 minute rounds, mixed in with some abs, squats, wall sits, etc.

It’s working - on my runs, I’m able to keep a decent pace, so I’m not losing any cardio. And, somehow, this plan has kept me at my current weight. I’ve actually been averaging a bit lower than usual.

(weight stuff will be another post, BUT: I think all bodies are beautiful, weight is not a good indicator of overall health except in extreme cases, fat-shaming is a terrible thing, and I only monitor my own weight closely for weight class purposes.) I’ve been right around 130-132, even coming a bit under a few times in the last week. (I’m a flyweight, I fight at 125, so I like to stay fairly close to that even when I’m not able to actively train). At 5″5′ I’m pretty small, but fairly muscular, 125 is a good, healthy place for me to compete.

So! I’m keeping a good base to go from once this damned mortal body heals.

Once I’m back in - I’ve found a few apparently awesome MMA/BJJ gyms, and I’ll be back at my boxing gym. I cannot fucking wait, but at least my injury-required cross training is no longer driving me insane.

[danielletinybruiser]

A fitness/running/boxing blog!

Yup. Doing an EMT blog wasn’t enough.  No, I was bitten by the personal blogging bug (um, because I don’t write enough at work, ha, no, I do, but not about this stuff), and here we are.

So! I’m an athlete. I have not skipped a single day of working out since March 1997, when I was 13 years old. That’s not an exaggeration.

Working out is basically the only thing that keeps me on the level, and it needs to be pretty intense.

I’m a lifelong runner - I competed in high school and college, and was even the captain of the women’s cross country team in college. It was DIII - so, no, I was never going to be some olympic level runner - but I’m decent at a distance. My PR for a 5K was 18:57, which is NOT BAD. But holy shit, at 32, I’m happy with a consistent 7 minute mile.

I started doing martial arts when I was 14 or so, but got serious about combat sports WAY later than most people do, started to seriously box at 29. I started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu at 31, and fell in love with it.

Now, I train in boxing, BJJ, and occasionally a bit of Muay Thai. I lift and do a little pilates/spinning/yoga now and then, for variety. I also ADORE outdoor/adventure sports - hiking, kayaking, climbing, though I don’t have all that many opportunities to engage. They are basically ‘fun vacation’ things for me at this point.

This shall be my blog for all things fitness - my workouts, my thoughts on training, probably some reactions to MMA. And if I ever compete seriously, I’ll probably post about it here too.