daniellewolfe-blog1 - Tumblr blog

daniellewolfe-blog1 · 9 years ago

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This is going to be long...

Isn’t it weird how you always fall back on old habits?

In the matter of a few weeks I feel as though my head has rolled off and I’m just struggling to keep up with it a little... So I decided that my old little saviour that is Tumblr may help me a little, to vent, discuss and just collect my thoughts, and maybe some people out there will be able to relate with some of the things I have to say during my life. I’ve decided to blog about life indefinitely, even if it’s just something to look back on in years to come and even to laugh at.

Anyway, the main reason that I started this... was simply because I am undoubtedly terrified... ashamed and just struggling with how I feel about myself at the moment.

I had a baby two years ago. He’s the most amazing little boy ever, well sometimes he is, tonight he’s been no less than the spawn of the devil actually.

I’ll probably keep diverting from the subject at hand because my brain is just all over the place, it’s hard to concentrate, yano?

Due some a lot of manipulation, being young, scared and immature... I made a massive mistake when I found out I was pregnant. I’m not sure if I even knew the truth the whole time and that’s why I developed such an intense form of prenatal and postnatal depression and failed to bond with my son when he was first born, well I say first born, I feel like it’s taken up until now actually, for me to fully feel the overwhelming love that I always thought I should feel, but knew I didn’t feel 100%, You see, when it comes to Theo, I’ve always worn a cloak of intense guilt and never been able to put my finger on it ever so clearly.

Maybe I should start from the middle instead... During uni I met a boy in what I’d like to describe as typical girl meets boy fashion, however I have to say that it was probably complicated from start to finish, not for any reason other than that ‘I’ was complicated, After some time I fell in love. Deeply, uncontrollably and madly. I never would of admitted it, not to anyone or even to myself. The thought of love has always and always will terrify me, I’ve seen nothing but failed relationships and had to shoved down my throat since I was young that love hurts and that people let you down and that it’s better to put a wall up and hurt someone else than it is to open your heart and allow a knife to be lodged into it. I messed this relationship up on multiple levels and counts, over and over and over and over, eventually I decided I couldn’t hurt someone anymore and that I didn’t want to be hurt by what I was doing either, I made a pact with myself to move on and met someone else.. a few months go by... it wasn’t exactly a great relationship, definitely no chemistry or spark which is what I was used too... A while into this we broke up, and I bumped into said girl meets boy, boy.. you can guess. I got scared, as usual and legged it. Thought I should make it work with the rebound.

A couple of months later and I have a positive pregnancy test.

Initially everything in me tells me go running to girl meets boy, so that’s what I do. I’d never wanted anything more really than to be with that boy forever, I was overjoyed that I’d share something like this with him, the dream I had made up in my head was perfect and despite my past efforts to fuck everything up, I knew and admitted that him and this baby was all I wanted.

Doesn’t end there though, really that’s just the beginning. I spoke to my mother and she wouldn’t allow that dream to become a reality, she made that clear, she said I couldn’t know anything for sure, as I had restarted the relationship with rebound after that intense evening a while after. She agreed it couldn’t possibly be the happy ending I was dreaming about as it had never happened in years, then I meet someone else, and it happens, so all logic points to the new guy... well I had never felt a bubble around me shatter so quickly. I had a scan coming up and I wanted to die. I even told her if the baby was indeed rebound’s then I wasn’t going to keep it (god forbid), I had plans to book into a clinic and my mind was made up, But I couldn’t really do that could I? I mean there is a beautiful life inside me, and despite all these feelings, I knew that I was ‘meant’ to have this baby.

So I moved back to my mothers. I won’t post about the situations that happened there, as at the moment they’re irrelevant.

I’d spent so long just telling myself that my baby was a result of a rebound and that he wouldn’t have a Father who loved him nor would he have anyone but me, although when he was born, he didn’t really have me either... I felt no connection and I just wanted to disappear for a good few months, this wasn’t what I expected at all, I felt so guilty and hated everything about myself that I not only had fucked up massively but that I couldn’t love this beautiful baby in the way that I should.

I’ll fast forward now. I feel better about myself in those respects though, my mind is a lot healthier, and although I’ll always be slightly ‘off kilter’ in the brain department, I’m a fairly stable and normal human being now, well as normal as they come haha.

I found out the other day that my baby boy isn’t the result of a rebound.

I stared at that DNA test for so long.

I lost all connection to my limbs and sat down and felt like my brain was drowning.

I looked at my two year old son and suddenly felt like I had been living the life of a blind person.

I stared at him some more and he didn’t even look like my son for a while.

As bad as it sounds, I felt like I loved my son even more than I did 2 minutes previously.... I didn’t think that could have been possible as I love my son to pieces, but, something definitely changed,

Now, I’m sat here writing this pointless essay because I’m terrified.

I’m terrified of losing him, I’m terrified of the change and I’m terrified of my feelings. Not only do I have to adjust to my son having a father and that I have to share him, I have to adjust to the fact that I’m going to come face to face with the only person that I’ve ever been in love with and haven’t seen in almost three years properly and I have to watch him be a Dad to my son and I have to not be in love with him anymore even though I think I will be forever... and ever. I kind of want the ground to swallow me up, I’ve been simply listening to music and every song that reminds me of those times has popped up on the radio or the TV and I haven’t heard these songs for years, so I’m positive the universe is fucking with me haha. I believe everything happens for a reason and I guess this was the way it was meant to be, but god help me.

I know that no one is going to read this and if they do, I doubt any words of wisdom will come flying my way, but I feel like I have to post it, just so I can look back on it over and over and try and grab some logic and reality.

I am fully aware that was a stupid, immature twat and that I fucked up, But that’s in the past and that was someone else. I’ve grown, changed and matured and now I have to concentrate on what’s happened to see how this effects my son and our lifestyle,

#confusedmummy #helpme #postnataldepression #what do you think?#mummyadvice

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