dansantat

[dansantat]

49

I am not a big believer of the teachings of Freudian psychology, but for the purpose of this post I will use it as reference for my annual birthday post.

Freud believed that there are three agencies of personality known as the Id, Ego, and the Superego.

Id is the part of the mind that is unaware of the external world and the passage of time. It is the basic instinct we all have and are born with and it is innately who we are in terms of out needs, desires, and pleasures

Ego is the portion of your brain that mediates between the desires of the Id and reality. It uses the reality to help the Id satisfy it’s demands in a reasonable way. You are aware you can’t simply indulge in your primal instincts but the ego seeks do it in a way that doesn’t harm the self.

Superego is what governs your moral attitudes. Its function is to control the impulses of the Id by using the rules of society, what is forbidden, and what is allowed. It’s what makes you a somewhat rational adult without coming off as a selfish jerk.

I observe people very closely. The one thing I’ve noticed about all of my friends, family, and loved ones as we all get older is that the Id slowly takes control of all things as the years go on. For example, those people I know who struggle with anxiety are more often stressed out. This is not to say that the world isn’t a stressful place to be right now, but rather, anxiety is their default state. People I know who have obsessive compulsive disorders are even much more so. The need to clean becomes greater, the folks who worry about little things worry about everything, and folks who don’t throw anything away morph into hoarders. Basically, all the guardrails you’ve kept in place all your life trying to keep yourself a civil person among society are thrown out the window and the last person who recognizes these changes in behavior are yourself.

I have accepted that this is everyone’s path in life. It’s just how life is, and I am someone who has always tried to study myself as a person attempting to gather every bit of information in an attempt to get a full understanding of who I am as a person because I’ve always felt that a thorough understanding of oneself is imperative to living a life of happiness. While I perhaps can’t clearly observe what my primal instincts are as clearly as people who have known me for years I can perhaps cobble together what I may become in the next 10-20 years.

For better or for worse, here's my attempt at my description of my TRUE self.

I get easily frustrated with folks. I see people making the same mistakes or complain about certain life choices but make little to no effort to change those habits. There’s a big side of me that says, “Just keep your mouth shut, Santat. It’s none of your concern” but there’s also a side of me that wants to shout “Stop making the same mistakes you fool. It pains me to watch you.” I will probably lose that filter and yell at people to stop being so careless. My wife will constantly have to remind me to control myself.

I will eat with reckless abandon. I love food. Sometimes I just stop eating because there’s no food left on the table or because everyone else is waiting for me to finish and I just sense that it’s time to go. Old Dan will probably be 300 pounds.

I will take great pleasure in making people feel joy. I spoil my wife constantly and I love to make people laugh. I’ll be the fun grandpa that will happily cook a meal for the entire family and take days off of work to raise grandkids. I will ham it up with strangers on buses and airplanes. I will buy an entire little league team ice cream cones in a park after a game. I will be the last person to leave the party. I will tip the worker at the end of a car wash $50 on my birthday.

I realized that I am not insecure, but rather, I don’t particularly find myself to be anything uniquely special to warrant the accolades I’ve received in life. I feel like I’ve just been extremely lucky and that observed with a different lens people would realize that I’m no different than anyone else. This is an especially interesting point for me in particular because I’ve garnered much praise and recognition over the years but I have never found that what I have done has been particularly more special or unique than what someone else has done. I’ve just been fortunate to have been in the right place in the right time. Old Dan is comfortable in his own skin. He appreciates the generosity that the world has given him and is happy to sit off on the sidelines enjoying what the world has to offer because it has been extremely generous to him for the last twenty plus years

I have a fear of missing out and therefore I predict I will continue to be adventurous and try new things. I will travel the world as much as possible. I will eat a scorpion in Thailand. Much to my wife’s chagrin I have not completely ruled out the possibility of skydiving out of an airplane. One life to live so live it to its fullest.

I will be extremely messy. Keeping things clean will drive my wife insane and she will move to a separate home because her Id and her need for cleanliness and order will clash with mine. I will continue to try to please. We will continue to stay madly in love.

I will need a sense of purpose till the day I die. Retirement will never come because I am completely unable to sit and do nothing. I will continue to work hard, vacation hard, and exercise because I always need something to do. Sitting and relaxing will be the death of me until I am forced to settle because my body simply can no longer keep up with the mind.

I will worry, like most adults seem to do. It could be about any number of things, but I will also take solace in the fact that things generally work themselves out one way or another. I will long for “the good old days” but realize that the world is constantly in flux and it’s best to just roll with the punches.

Now, this could all be speculation. Perhaps I will have my wits about me long enough to not allow my Id to not take complete control over me. Perhaps I don’t really know myself as well as I think I do? Either way, I slowly walk along the trail of life towards that sunset on the horizon and I feel fortunate to be given to luxury of smelling the flowers along the way.

Peace.

[dansantat]

48

I’ll let you in on one of my biggest fears.

When I was a kid I was worried I would be completely useless to society and end up homeless.

I used to fear the future.

I’m not joking.

When I was growing up, one of my biggest fears was becoming an adult and trusting in my own abilities to provide for myself. As a little kid I would stay up at night staring at the ceiling worried about what I was going to do with my life. In my mind I had no idea what work was. I imagined wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase filled with only God knows what and going off to an office doing random grown-up stuff and getting paid for it. The worry was wondering what that grown-up works as. What was I going to do with my life? What was my purpose?

True story, when I got my first job at a video game company and got the phone call telling me what my first salary would be I breathed a sigh of relief over the phone saying, “Thank God someone in this world thinks I’m useful.”

Thank you, Christian Busic, for my first job.

My oldest son is graduating from high school this year and I can sense a little bit of that anxiety from him wondering what he will be doing with the rest of his life. I can relate and I don’t give him any pressure to rush to any conclusions. I find it unsettling that some of us bust our humps trying to get into college and then suddenly a university asks you what major you want to do which will decide your path in the future.

Statistically, about 85% of graduating college students don’t do anything with their college degree.

“Find your passion,” I tell him. “It was what you were meant to do.”

Now, I’m at a point in my life where a few of my friends and folks around me are looking into the near future (maybe the next five to eight years) towards retirement. That golden ticket. The moment they can finally get off that train and spend the rest of their lives doing what they REALLY want to do with their lives. This all came as a shock to me. Not about about whether or not some of us can actually retire, but the fact that that time has flown and suddenly I’m nearing the other side of work life. I’ve been adulting for roughly 22 years now, which feels like nothing, and as I reflect on the past years I find myself rather fortunate that I happen to do have had the honor and privilege to do exactly what I wanted and was born to do. I understand that not many people get that in their life. I’m lucky. So, while folks around me are looking to get off the work force train, or at least dream about it, I realize that I have absolutely no interest in stopping, and that’s a good thing.

I think I did something right?

I’ve spent the last 48 years of my life worrying all these years if I’m going to be okay only to stand on the last third of a marathon called "the working life" and realizing that things just might work out fine.

When my father died a few years ago I remember him eating a hot dog as his last meal, which was odd because he was obsessed with his health to the point that he never took pleasure in indulging in fun things so this was something he would never do. All his life he just kept obsessing about eating right and exercising convinced he was going to die of cardiovascular disease when suddenly it was liver cancer. He just sat there eating his hot dog and saying to himself, “What was the point of worrying all those those years?”

He didn’t know I was listening. The best piece of life advice he gave me was something he didn't intend for me to hear, but that moment spoke volumes to me.

Now, here’s where it gets a little interesting.

I realized something recently about myself while attending a few literary conferences and festivals in the past few years.

I’m suddenly the old guy.

While 48 isn’t particularly old I’m finding myself to be the veteran on panels filled with twenty somethings. I see fewer and fewer of the peers that I came up with at conferences. The Publisher’s Weekly Marketplace is filled with young new people I’ve never heard of before. The output of some folks I had admired for years seem to have dropped off a bit and I pray it’s because they’ve willingly chosen to slow their lives down. The scariest part is that I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I question if I have enough years in my life to create all the ideas that I have in my head. It feels like only yesterday that I started out in this business and I was hustling to try to get my foot firmly planted in this literary industry hoping to be recognized by editors and art directors, and you, the readers. Now, I find myself hustling for a slightly different reason. I feel Iike I’m trying to keep up with the younger new voices. As younger generations plant their foot into the cultural zeitgeist I’ve noticed an extremely talented pool of young new literary voices who seem to effortlessly dispense this perfect voice suited to our current youth, but they do it in a slightly different way from me. Their perception of the world is slightly different than mine. To put it kindly, I’ve wondered if the perception of how I view the world has become a little dated?

Call this a self-reflecting form of ageism.

When you write a memoir about yourself you are left generally spending a lot of time reflecting on your entire life and you are left with this inner need to understand every facet about yourself. You need to understand how all the gears work and you constantly ask yourself why you are the way you are. This self-awareness has been quite useful to me. I think it’s important to stand outside of yourself and be completely unbiased as you reflect about who you are. The brutal honestly of my world is that I need to constantly be aware of how the world is changing and ask myself if I’m changing with it. This is not to say that I don’t think I have anything worthwhile to say or write, but I wonder if I’m delivering that message in the right way? In order to speak to people you need to know HOW to say something as well as WHAT you’re going to say. My childhood was filled with toys, tv shows, riding bikes into the night, and building junk forts in some far uncharted corner of town. Today’s youth is filled with the internet, Netflix streaming, texting, and Tik Tok memes.

It’s apples and oranges.

I know folks who use old vaudeville gags in their work. Pies in the face, double takes, and old puns. Tools of an old era that kids are left scratching their heads wondering, “What did the author mean my that? And what’s an anvil?” There’s a lack of self-awareness where they feed their own personal interests not realizing that the audience they serve is completely left in the dark. You suddenly look around and realize that you’re completely out of the loop and if you try to fake it then it will all just come off as awkward because everyone can see that you’re simply trying too hard.

There comes a point in life when you suddenly realize that you aren’t up with all the gossip and trends and the who’s who of social media celebrities but I think the kiss of death to any person’s personal growth is when they say, “I miss the good old days…”

The cruel truth about the world is that if you long for the “good old days” you’re suddenly going to find yourself surrounded by a world you no longer understand because the world doesn’t care if you change with it or not.

I know people decades older than me who feared computers and refused to ever touch one and now they are surrounded by a digital world and they curse it for being fully automated and they can no longer use cash. I know folks who miss old school rap while scratching their heads over what new rappers are playing these days. Do you fear self-driving cars? Too bad, because capitalism says it’s coming whether you like it or not. Does AI terrify you? I mean, yes, it ABSOLUTELY SHOULD, but it’s coming.

My attitude isn’t that I’m being forced to adapt. Now, my view is that I’m eager to see what lies down the road and where my place is in it. I see that the world is changing rapidly and I don’t want to get off this train because the moment I stop looking towards the future and spend more time reflecting on my past is when I stop growing as a person.

I don’t know how well I’ll adapt to the future but I no longer fear it. All I know is that I've done fine for most of my life and I should have confidence that my desire to grow will help me carry on.

There’s no point in worrying.

Take life one day at a time, and just savor the precious moments life gives you...

And eat the hot dog.

[dansantat]

In 1993 I was a college freshman bored out of my mind in Chemistry class and I wrote my name on the wall of a lecture hall. Yesterday, I got this message from a current student. 30 years later a 5th student has reached out to me from my act of vandalism. No regrets 😂❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/Crnu82LgWYH/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Dear Dad, It’s been two years. Hope you’re doing okay wherever you may be. https://www.instagram.com/p/CrieYyuLCoX/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Work in progress. Doing something completely different with my line work and it’s forcing me to pause for a moment and examine the artwork as a whole to decide if it’s done. What would typically be a day or two may now be anywhere from a a few extra days to a few extra weeks. https://www.instagram.com/p/CrdpW-8LhHg/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Great day at the LA Times Festival of Books talking BECAUSE I’M YOUR MOM with @ahmetzappa and A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING https://www.instagram.com/p/Crb3udUP4fa/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Me and @staceyabrams backstage of the Main Children’s Stage of the LA Times Festival of Books https://www.instagram.com/p/CrZndKzJZOG/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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A big reason why I don’t do artwork in Procreate is due to lack of muscle control with the Apple Pencil on an iPad surface. BUT It’s just a matter of training my hand to draw on the surface. I’m currently inking a new picture book and it’s like painting the fence in Karate Kid https://www.instagram.com/p/CrWwwgrPYlh/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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@theartoffun drew me in the final round of the #TLA Sketch-Off. We only had two minutes to draw and I’ve never loved a drawing more #Beekle https://www.instagram.com/p/CrRrZvqv39x/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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I’m at #TLA2023 https://www.instagram.com/p/CrOeVtPuTIt/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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A new Minhtat production in the works… https://www.instagram.com/p/CrCokZzrZrj/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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I was at my mom’s house yesterday and I found one of my first mailers when I started my career about 20 years ago. I don’t even recognize my old style but I remember being very active in promotion and it made a big difference for me in easing into this profession https://www.instagram.com/p/Cq8r85zPekO/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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My mom always told me to be good to people and @mackidsbooks did the absolute best when it came to promoting my book,A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. I am grateful for all their hard work and as such I sent them all Thank You gifts 🎁 ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/CqMJpmrvi3G/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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ARCs for DETECTIVE DUCK have come in! Written by @linoliver22 and Henry Winkler with art by me. In stores Oct 17! https://www.instagram.com/p/CqJGXWmvznl/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Here's a subtle Easter Egg in #AFirstTimeforEverything that you may have missed. The fence in the beginning of the story is slightly symbolic of my self confidence. In the beginning it falls down due to the pressure of kids. In the end, it's being rebuilt in the background ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/CqDq25vpkae/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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On March 28 @ahmetzappa and I are releasing BECAUSE I’M YOUR MOM the sequel to our NY Times bestselling book BECAUSE I’M YOUR DAD. We’ll be doing a live online event with @politicsprose on the 28 and performing at the LA Times Festival of Books on Sunday April 23 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cp79oN0ppGx/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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Team #DetectiveDuck got together for a lovely lunch this afternoon. One of our phones has a picture with Leah in it, but until then just know we were wined and dined. It was great to see @linoliver22 after 4 years apart and Henry Winkler is as sweet as you can imagine https://www.instagram.com/p/Cp3pCbLvyPC/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=