daringbicycleanalogy

[daringbicycleanalogy]

1308

I’ve come up with a more or less fixed schedule for my weekly tasks. Mondays will be coding/UI Path or web design, Tuesdays is writing, Wednesdays video editing or motion design, Thursdays I’ll be practicing graphic design and Fridays will be mainly fitness. I hope I can stick to a routine.

Although I’ve dedicated writing on Tuesdays, I’ll still write here on a more frequent basis. The writing I’ll be doing on Tuesdays won’t be solely in English, and it won’t be solely writing either. I think I should have labelled it as literary work instead of writing. I might be doing a film analysis, or practicing my German and Spanish. Lofty goals, yes. But one can dream.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

0015

I feel like I started become dumber when I started caring more about how I look and how others viewed me. I stopped reading and listening as much, and I started caring too much about my appearances. Too much time spent in front of a mirror will do that to you i guess.

I will admit, I completely neglected this blog starting a few months back during a great transitionary period. I stopped writing and stopped thinking. I was getting too caught up in my newfound freedom. But I’m trying to get back on track now.

This entry was actually opened 5 days ago after I realised what a fool I was becoming. But I had to take some time to think so I closed the tab and saved this as a draft. It was originally going to be me ranting about how I couldn’t get the girl I wanted and how I have been sabotaging myself in the years following that. Now that I have had some time to think, have I really been sabotaging myself?

What truly is self-sabotage? I googled it and it says that it’s when you have negative habits that undermine your efforts at improving. Like when you procrastinate a project and you end up missing the deadline. Have I done that? Sure. But do I beat myself up for it? Not really. I can’t really undermine any of my efforts at improving when I don’t feel like improving. When I didn’t think I needed to improve. I was so certain and uncertain of so many things. The last time I truly felt like I needed to get better was years ago. That has to change. That will change.

Now things are different and faster. I can’t exactly put it into words but when I can, I will come back and do so. I miss my hunger. It used to keep me so safe.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

22:33

I pooped so hard my stomach hurt afterwards

[daringbicycleanalogy]

15:50

Maybe i was too different from you.

We were never in the same cliques at school, me with my trashy mouthed hyperactive teenage guy friends, you with your silent, stoic comrades who aced every test and passed every project. My friends would laugh and tease your friends, and your friends would no doubt judge and gossip about my friends. If we weren't seated together, there would have been no reason for us to talk to each other. We were too far apart.

And yet we were right beside each other.

Maybe it was the stress.

It was our final year, and we had a lot going on. Getting As, our future colleges. Teenage hormones, family problems, and whatnot. Neither of us had time to work things out, with so much on our plates. You were always so excited to finish our finals and be done with school. To finally head off to your college.

I just wished we could stay in that moment forever.

Maybe i didn't try hard enough. Or maybe i tried too hard. I still dont know. Every night before i went to bed i scrubbed through everything i said to you that day and tried to analyse what made you laugh and what didn't. Creepy, i know. But it helped me find so much to talk to you about, to talk with you about. You told me your dad was an officer. I told you about that time i almost got arrested in the toilet of the nearby mall. That made you laugh pretty hard.

Did i make you laugh hard enough? Hard enough to maybe see how hard i could have made you laugh if we spent a lifetime together? A lifetime of giddy, dizzying, racous laughter.

Maybe i asked for too much.

Maybe in another universe we would have got together.

Maybe i should have never told you how i felt.

No. I should never have told you how i felt. Because that's when the laughter stopped.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

1711

“You have your whole life to freak out about this, don’t do it now.”

I came across this online, in between procrastinating doing my laundry and strangling my sleep paralysis demon. Will this help when I struggle to sleep, every night? Possibly.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

2353

Mav never thought of her name as anything more than an abbreviated version of Maverick, and she definitely lived her life like one. Stolen pets, permanently undone laces, forged permission slips. She never wanted to even give the rules a chance. She towers over other kids her age, at 6 foot 2, which she says gives her a vantage point from where she can locate the scalps of her enemies in a crowd of bystanders with just 1 glance. Though, I’ve never been too sure how many mortal enemies an 11 year old might have.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

1416

“A man who never made any mistakes, never made anything at all.”

Fred Heffley, one of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid movies

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of quotes during my daily tiktok doomscroll. I’ll jot down some of the ones that I want to remember.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

1538

I am a wild animal. I am fearful. Of loud noises, of promises of food, shelter and warmth. Of humans.

When the clock finally ticks 12, flowers bloom. Sirens blare and the ground shakes. Nostrils flare and the skin bumps. Fingers curl and the shoulders tense.

Deep, deep gulps of air does nothing to soothe the heavy heart. Just like how a bucket of water will be effortlessly swallowed up by a sea of restless, bubbling, searing molten lava.

A few weeks ago,

I saw a Chinese phrase while browsing social media.

“如果我可以成为你一部分

我会选择成为你的眼泪

因为你的眼泪被怀孕在你的心中

生在你的眼睛里

住在你的脸颊

而死在你的嘴唇上。”

5 minutes of googling later, I’ve found that the author of the saying is either a Canadian poet Shane Koyczan, another poet CM Robbins, or a French Canadian teenage girl from the 1970s. Slight variations of this saying exists, with some versions excluding the part about the tear being conceived in the heart.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

0648

Cruel cruel world. Cruel cruel dreams, always breaking my heart and soul. The past 3 days have been the most soul crushed I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I hate the circumstances and decisions that have led me to this.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

1028

Fear of stagnating is the biggest thing going for me right now. I know we all have to serve our time and I’ve always thought I could continue to learn and grow when my time came. It’s early days but I haven’t had time to do much.

Fear of missing out. On events and meetups. On career and schooling opportunities. On births and deaths. I hope I miss out on none.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

1729

The score on my fitbit can’t be right. Why did only 4 hours of my 9 hour eyes closing eyes time count last night? The difference between rest and sleep is hammered into me everyday, why people choose not sleep during their rest time, why we squander this short time we’ve been given to ourselves daily. I don’t know.

I’m not taking it for granted. Especially when we handle deadly equipments almost everyday. We’re taught to kill with it, to take lives with it. I rather not do any of that on 4 hours of sleep.

more time, more lime.

Lime drink vendors, throughout any point in history

More time has been allocated for us to unwind than I initially expected.

Mosquito nets aren’t really anything special, but the tool they require to work is. A hook, preferably mounted to the ceiling or high up on a wall perpendicular to the ceiling. As long as it’s tall enough to allow the net to drape over the target area. A bed or a cot. Like any protective barrier, it filters and chooses what to let in. Weird? Letting things in isn’t what many people think of first when they read ‘barrier’. But that’s what it does. Primarily, barriers let things in. Nets let air or water through. Shields let weapons through, though not often. Castle walls let its inhabitants in. A bubble pops. A fence lets select predators in. Contrary to what most think, barriers are defined, categorised and judged based on what they manage to let in.

A line in the sand, curving in 1 direction at a set angle, will always form a circle.

[daringbicycleanalogy]

2321

Weekends are magical, they can either make or break your week. Not enough emphasis is put on how we spend it. Especially when your next one isn’t guaranteed.

What I want to do with this blog

is to jot down some of the thoughts that pop into my head. Getting back into writing would be good too.

Free time isn’t guranteed and freedom is limited where I am right now, so don’t expect anything coherent or extensive.