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Enough Food for an Army

“You’re making enough food for an army!” she says as I make my broccoli and beef (200kcal sauce & all, if I happened to eat the whole portion- which I had no intention of doing).

I scooped out less than I was planning on while “enough for an army” chanted in my head.

I took a tiny bite. It was good. Another tiny bite. Chase with water.

“Enough for an army”

I stopped chewing. The food didn’t taste good anymore. It didn’t matter that I’d only ingested a handful of calories out of the maybe 100 that I had in my bowl, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t take another bite.

I shoved it around for a few minutes to keep her happy. She couldn’t see in the bowl to see the amount stayed the same.

I got up and grabbed a container to save the leftovers from the pot and, with my back to her, I also scooped the contents of my barely touched bowl into the container.

I left it on the counter to cool a bit before I covered it. Just sitting there, on the kitchen counter. Right in front of her, while she cooked for them.

And I kind of hoped she would notice how much was left over-

“enough for an army!”

-how little I’d eaten. I kind of wanted her to know that I’d dumped my food back. Not because I want to get caught- no, I’m not ready to recover- but because only weeks ago, they were telling me that if I kept losing weight, I was going to wind up in the hospital. I was too skinny, I was losing weight too fast, I needed to eat more.

So I did. Around them at least. I even picked up purging again which I hate hate hate, because at least they see me eating.

And I was eating dinner because I should, its a meal that most people partake in, its what she expects.

But

It’s enough for an army.

And I’ve been eating too much.

So I want her to notice that I didn’t eat and I want her to know its because of her. Not always, my disease isn’t on her. But tonight. Tonight I will stare at an intake of 477kcal on my calorie tracking app, though 200 of it is aloted for the dinner that I ate maybe 30cal of. I will leave it there with “enough for an army” firmly reassuring me that I just need to burn off that much more.

“Enough for an army” is more fuel to add to my eating disorder.

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🕊

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rb if you’re a bi bitch who loves carbs

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Hey!!

If you

Ate something

today, or

Tried to eat something

(Even in you think it’s too much)

That is

so

Radical

Please know

You deserve food

Food/weight is not an indicator of your worth or self control

Eating is a good thing!

And that shit is

hard!!

So pat yourself on the back

because you have given your body the

Fuel

it needs to

Survive

I see you, and

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exclusively wearing black

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alex turner’s hands

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not being really overweight but not being thin is a weird place because you never look quite as good as your friends and you’re in that spot that everyone tells you “you’re not fat!” but doesn’t want to say you’re thin and no matter if your weight shifts you always sort of look the same to yourself and in some situations you can hide your appearance but in others its alarmingly obvious, and buying clothes is like a luck of the draw as to if you’ll look thin or huge because it feels like there isn’t an in between 

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Audrey Hepburn photographed by Bud Fraker, 1956.

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👼🏻✨ ANGEL ENERGY ✨👼🏻

not mine, not pro, stay safe. don’t report, just block.

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