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darknessntears-blog · 7 years ago

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Searching For Something That I Can’t Reach (SL with @LustByTheHour)

Kat: =I still wasn’t sure if this was what I wanted to do. But I didn’t actually have a choice in the situation. Andre had a submissive that he wanted to be exclusive with. And that was fine with me. But I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready for another dom. But he seemed to think that was exactly what I needed. And the guy he was sending here seemed to be the one Andre thought could do the impossible.

I know what Andre had hoped would happen to me. He wanted me to fall in love. I needed someone in my life. I had to share things with someone that understood everything. But instead, I was wondering about doing everything for me. And that was fine. At least, I felt like it was fine. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I did need someone to share my life with. It would be different than what I was doing now.

But Andre knew why I didn’t want to look for a new dom. Most didn’t understand that I only wanted to submit when the feeling suited me. It was a way for me to get lost and gain clarity that I wouldn’t get any other way. Most wanted me to do things on their time. It was why I was nervous about having this man in my house. I wasn’t sure how he was going to react to what I needed.

But I knew I needed to make a good impression. I couldn’t just order something to be delivered. It didn’t matter how high end the meal was. It was never going to be as good as something that was homemade. So, I stood at the stove. There was one recipe that was calling to me. And it was something I hadn’t made since my parents had died. It was the one recipe my mother had wanted me to know how to make.

“Katarina! You need to know this. There will come a time when you want to impress someone. You make this for them. They will feel everything you need them to feel.”

It was her labor of love. And it was a recipe I had trouble duplicating. Beef Stroganoff was relatively easy on a bad day. But there was something about my mother’s recipe. It didn’t seem complicated, but it had never come out right for me. Maybe it was because I was too bitter. It hurt too much to make normally. But she was right. This wasn’t just a random dinner. There was more to it than that. This was about a new chapter. It was a fresh start. And maybe it was something that would come together because of the man coming into my life in some way.=

Del: -I had no idea what to expect tonight. I’d spoken to Kat on the phone a couple of times to set all this up, but we’d never actually met. Andre had thought the two of us would be a good match, but I really suspected all he wanted to do was get me out of the funk I’d put myself in since I arrived in Paris. He was good for calling me on my bullshit.

So, here I was coming up the front steps of her house with flowers and my stupid heart in my throat like I was a teenager on a first date. Maybe this was something like a first date, but it was half a job interview too. She was looking for a Dom. I didn’t have a sub. There was a relationship to be built there if things were compatible between the two of us, and there was no way of knowing that until the two of us spent some time together.

I knocked on the door, hoping she hadn’t peeked out the window and seen me standing out here by the street like some kind of insane man thinking over everything and second guessing myself a little more every passing moment. I’d only just stopped myself from heading back to my apartment and forgetting the whole thing, but even though I’d never met her, I knew Kat deserved better than to get stood up because I couldn’t get my shit together.

I took a deep breath, running my hand through my hair when I heard her behind the door and hoping she didn’t just slam it in my face on first sight.-

Kat: =I felt my heart jump into my throat as I heard a knock on my door. Somehow, I had lost track of time. But that was what happened when I was cooking. I enjoyed doing it, and I tended to get lost in it. I needed to take a moment, though. I had to gather myself. Andre had given me a fair warning before he had set all of this in motion. Mr. Everly could be particular in what he was looking for. There was always a chance that I wasn’t going to be what he saw in his life.

And that was fine. Tonight wasn’t about jumping into bed. Tonight was about talking. It was about getting everything out in the open. We needed to be honest about what we wanted and what we were expecting. But as I opened the door, I was shocked with what I saw. He was standing there with flowers. Irises if I wasn’t mistaken. Different than what someone would normally buy.

I wanted to make a comment about the flowers. I wanted to make a smart ass remark about all of this. But I knew what we were in for tonight. But at the same time, I knew that he needed to get a feel for my personality. He had to know the real me before we could take another step in this relationship, if we were going to take that step. Stepping to the side, I waved him into the house.= Good choice not going with roses. I can’t stand them. I probably would have turned you away if you had them.

=I could almost see his eyes pop as I started speaking. So Andre hadn’t told him about the fact that I was Russian. My accent wasn’t thick. It never had been. I hadn’t spent enough time in Russia for the accent to stick. But I had spent enough time around my parents. What little accent I had was a direct result of them.= I’m sure you haven’t met many French girls with the name Katarina? It’s traditionally a Russian name. I didn’t think the accent would surprise you, Mr. Everly.

Del: -I glanced down at the flowers and passed them over to her with a soft chuckle. I shouldn’t have been surprised at anything that happened. I wasn’t exactly a French gentleman myself, though I didn’t imagine she knew it. She was likely in for just as big a surprise when I opened my mouth. I’d grown up in New York, but my mother was from Georgia. My voice tended to be a strange mix of the Upper West Side and a Southern drawl that people had a hard time putting their finger on. It didn’t help that they’d tried unsuccessfully to send me to a couple of boarding schools back down south to help me “get my act together” before I turned 18 and walked out on all of it the second the trust fund my grandfather had left me became mine.-

Well, I’m glad I didn’t choose roses then. I think they’re rather cliche. And as for you being a French girl, well… -I grinned as she took the flowers and ran a hand through my hair- If I’d wanted a French girl, there seem to be a surplus of those around Paris. -I could watch her taking in the sound of my voice and processing it- New York. I’m from New York by way of central Georgia, in case you were wondering.

-I had to admit I liked her. She wasn’t some kind of shy simpering yes-sir-whatever-you-say-sir kind of sub. I always liked a woman who could hold her own in a conversation and didn’t just put her head down and pretend everything I said was made of pure gold. I was full of shit on a good day, and I knew it. I generally respected anyone who called me on it.-

And the flowers… Well my mother is already disappointed enough in me without me showing up for the first time at a strange woman’s house without some kind of gift. I thought about a bottle of wine, but I figured the two of us needed a clear head to get to know each other tonight. So flowers was the next logical choice.

Kat: =I could only shake my head as he explained his reasoning for the flowers. I wouldn’t have been disappointed in the bottle of wine, but he was right. We needed to focus on what was happening around us. We didn’t need the alcohol to make everything more complicated. It was going to be hard enough just having a conversation about all of this.

Taking his jacket, I tossed it over the back of the couch. I wanted everything to just be normal. And for the time being, we were just Kat and Del. I wanted to be completely open about our time tonight. And I needed him to understand what I needed in the moment.= I don’t use titles until we have decided to be in a relationship. Even if it’s just a sexual relationship as Dominant and submissive. So try to understand that tonight you will be hearing a lot of your first name. Until we decide to talk about what we both are looking for in our respective partners, you will be Del. I will be Kat. Once we move onto that topic, I will address you as Mr. Everly. You can address me as Katarina.

=Looking over my shoulder as I moved towards the kitchen, I raised a brow as he just stood there. I wasn’t sure what he was used to, but apparently, I wasn’t it. I was unapologetic about my personality. And I wanted him to know what I expected of him tonight before we moved into shop talk.= I hope you’re not allergic to mushrooms or onions, Del. Dinner has been simmering for about 30 minutes. It’s just about ready to be eaten.

Del: -I grinned and shook my head, moving to follow her into the kitchen. She was straightforward and blunt. I hated that in some people, but it fit her so well. She wasn’t rude about it, but I knew exactly what she was thinking and exactly what she meant by what she said. It was refreshing. As far as the titles went, I was perfectly fine with that. I didn’t need every sub to call me Sir or Master or Mr. Everly or whatever every second of every day. Hell, I couldn’t even pull off being a Dom every second of every day. It was draining as hell when you put everything you had into it, and keeping up that level of energy all the time was more than I could manage. It was relaxing to just be Del and Kat for an evening.

The kitchen smelled like heaven. I had no idea what she was cooking, but I knew it was going to be delicious from the scent alone. She’d cooked for me. I had to admit I was impressed. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had done that. Certainly not since I’d moved to Paris. All of my meals had been in cafes and restaurants or delivered to my apartment. I didn’t even cook for myself. Not only that, but it seemed that this dish was particularly elaborate since she’d been cooking before I ever arrived on her front doorstep.-

Mushrooms and onions aren’t a problem, Kat. I’m a big fan of the former as a matter of fact. It smells wonderful in here. Mind if I ask what we’re eating?

-I leaned on the counter by the sink, careful to stay out of her way as she moved around the room. I was enjoying watching her work, and I intended to keep it up as long as I could. She was confident, and she moved like it. Watching her was like watching art at least for the moment.-

Kat: =I felt a small shiver roll through me. It was because he was watching me. And I liked the way it felt. I liked that he wanted to be here. Taking the pot of noodles from the stove to the sink, I let the water drain from the noodles. I would have been glared at by my mother if she had seen me use prepackaged noodles, but I didn’t want to spend all day rolling dough.

Keeping my eyes on the sink, I cleared my throat before answering the question that had come from the man standing just inside my kitchen.= Beef Stroganoff. My mother’s recipe to be exact. I don’t trust vegetarians. So this is kind of a test for you. If you don’t eat meat, you might as well just leave.

=It was the truth. I didn’t trust them. Most of the vegetarians I had met had tried to push me into their lifestyle. I had had enough of meatless meals when I was in Russia. My parents wanted me to appreciate our money, so I had been served what the normal population had been given more times than I cared to count. And a lot of traditional Russian recipes didn’t have meat in them. It was something I veered away from once I left the country.= It should be done in a few minutes. I hope that’s alright with you.

Del: -Maybe I shouldn’t have laughed when she told me that she didn’t trust vegetarians, but I did. There was no point in holding back my sense of humor or any of the quirks that made me who I was. She was going to find them all out in time, anyway. And, I was still finding her bluntness endearing, so I hoped I was at least making a decent impression, though I had no way of knowing.-

Beef Stroganoff sounds delicious, and I’ll try not to be overly flattered that you cooked your mother’s recipe for me. And meat… well meat isn’t an issue for me. I can’t say that I entirely trust a vegetarian myself, though I’ve only known a few. Glad to see you and I have that much in common.

-I was enjoying watching her work. My eyes were trained on her as she moved around, taking in the grace of her motions and the way she seemed to know her way around the recipe. I was the stranger here, and I didn’t know if she liked the fact that I was watching her or if it made her uncomfortable. Kat was keeping her cards close to her chest as far as that went. I moved in a little closer, leaning against the countertop where she was finishing up her work for the evening.-

Take your time. I happen to like watching…

-Of course there was a double entendre in what came out of my mouth. I wasn’t going to be able to stop the part of my brain that controlled my mouth for long.-

Kat: =I let a smile cross my face as Del said he liked watching. And I knew what he was talking about. There was more than one meaning to that. And I didn’t bother to take it any other way than the unspoken. I couldn’t help the words that come from my lips as I started spooning everything on a couple of plates.= You’re a few hours late if you wanted a show, Del. Just on the couch in the living room. I watched a beautiful woman eat a pussy while she got fucked from behind.

=I didn’t give him a second to respond before I was grabbing both plates to head towards the small table in the kitchen. I could have gone to the dining room. It was just more formal. And I didn’t want a formal dinner. I needed intimate. I needed the two of us to get to know each other before we started talking about whips and chains.^ For reference, I don’t submit all the time. So the only time my orgasms will belong to you is when we decide we’re going to play. And that’s if we even decide to take this step together.

Del: -I followed Kat over to the table, fighting the urge to groan out loud at the confession she’d let escape, but I’d been asking for it with the flirting I’d already done. I could do a whole hell of a lot worse. Something told me she was going to come back just as strong though. I liked this woman, more than I’d liked anyone in a long damned time. I was quickly going from nervous about being here to glad I’d showed up and not let me talk myself out of it before I’d come up the front steps.

She was already good at pulling me on my bullshit. That was at least a good sign. I was pretty full of bullshit even on a good day. On a bad one, it could come running out of my ears.

I settled into one of the chairs at the kitchen table and glanced at the plate in front of me before returning my focus to to woman who was moving into the seat opposite me. It was a nice intimate dinner, a good chance to get to know someone before anything more serious happened. I couldn’t help but feel like it was a little bit of a job interview for the both of us, but what kind of date wasn’t the same damned thing?-

That’s probably a good thing since I don’t Dom all the time. I kind of like to throw myself into a scene completely, but it takes too much energy to keep that level up 24/7. The rest of the time I’m just smart-assed Del. I don’t think I could pull it off if I tried. I don’t need to own all your orgasms, even if you decide you want to do this with me.

Kat: =I nodded my head as we sat down in front of the table. Everything was natural with him. It was as if we could just talk. Nothing around us mattered, which made me thing that this had been a good decision. However, there was no knowing if it was until we tried all of this. And the more we talked, the more I realized that I might actually want this. As much as I had enjoyed Andre’s company, it was time to move on.

There were still questions I had. And I needed to know the truth before I made another step with Del. I wasn’t the kind of girl to get jealous. But that didn’t mean that I wanted to deal with jealous girls. I needed to know the truth about what was going on around him= You haven’t been in Paris long. I can tell. And Andre may have told me that you were relatively new to the area. I need to know if there are any jealous exes I need to worry about, Del.

=My head shook from side to side as I pushed my plate forward. There was still a few bites left, but I wasn’t sure I was hungry for them. And if I was, I could come back for more in a bit. I didn’t care about the man in front of me. I wasn’t about to change the way I dealt with food just because there was a guy in front of me. There was a lot I was willing to go through with Del. But I wasn’t going to change my relationship with food. No way.= What brought you to Paris, Del? And be honest with me.

Del: -That was a loaded question, but it was one she was well within her rights to ask. If she and I were going to get into anything together, then is was something she needed to know. And it was something I wouldn’t have blamed her for hating me over. I hated myself over it, but I also knew those two were better off without me. Maybe Kat would be better off without me too, but I really had no way of knowing for now.

I cleaned the last of the food off my plate before I placed the fork on the empty china and glanced up at her with an apologetic smile- Well, I’ve been here a couple of months or so, so I guess that’s pretty new. And to be honest, I was running away from something. -I needed to be upfront with her, as upfront as I could be anyway, and I knew this was going to make me look like an asshole. Probably because I was an asshole.-

I was in a relationship with a couple of people back in New York before I came here. The three of us met and started living together and she got pregnant before I even fully realized what was happening. I got scared, and I came here. That’s honestly the full story. I wasn’t ready for any of that, and I didn’t want to drag them down with me.

-I was babbling, and that was all more than she probably needed or wanted to know. I’d been having a damned good night with Kat, but I was expecting her to end it all and send me packing before I could say another damned word.-

Kat: =I wasn’t sure what I had been expecting. But the fact that he was in a poly relationship was not it. It wasn’t something I could handle. If I was in a relationship, I was too selfish to share. I needed mine to be only mine. But this wasn’t about the relationship.

There was something else that was said that gave me room for pause. A baby. I couldn’t stop myself from asking the question that sat on the tip of my tongue= Is it yours? Will she come looking if the baby is yours?

=I had to know all of it. It was almost like a compulsion. I needed all the information to come to a decision. And every bit counted. It didn’t matter to me that he had ran from them. I was the poster child for running away from my problems. But it was the child I was worried about.= It’s not the fact that you ran, Del. It’s the baby. I’m not telling you no. I’m telling you that if there’s a chance the mother could come looking for you, I need to know.

=I wasn’t sure how much more to say on the issue. But I had to be as open about all of this as Del was being.= I want to explore a relationship with you as Dom and sub. But I can’t do that unless I know everything. I need to know everything so I know how involved to be.

Del: -It might have been a good sign that she didn’t ask me to leave as soon as I admitted why I’d left New York. It might have just been her being polite, but something told me Kat wasn’t the type to just sit there and be nice if she didn’t want to be. She also said she wanted to explore a relationship with me. It gave me a little hope, but I was going to have be completely honest with her if we were going to do this. She was right about that much-

I honestly can’t tell you if it’s mine or not. The chances are just as good that it was the other guy’s. None of us knew when I left, and every possibility exists that one of them could come looking for me. I didn’t tell anyone where I went, but I’m not exactly the best at hiding either.

-I toyed with the fork that sat hanging just off the edge of the plate in front of me. I wasn’t used to being this completely honest with someone I barely knew, but this was kind of different. I’d rushed into things before without talking or thinking them through. That had always ended in disaster for me. Maybe it was time to grow up and handle things differently instead of always running away-

I’ve done some stupid things in my life. I’ve rushed into things without thinking. I’ve rushed out of things without thinking. I’m ready to be over that part of my life, so I’m not going to lie to you and just say the things I think you want to hear. I wouldn’t blame you for running away screaming from me and this entire thing. But I like you. I want to try to do this with you at whatever level you’re comfortable with.

Kat: =There were a few more questions I had about the child. But I wasn’t sure if that was an answer I wanted. I didn’t want to know if he was going to be a father if it did belong to him. It wasn’t something I was ready to hear. And if we had to cross that bridge later, we could.

But for now, this was what we were doing. We needed to talk honestly about what the next step was. And I needed him to understand what I needed for this relationship to work.= I’m glad you’re willing to try this. I’m not like most subs that crave every weekend with their Dom’s. In fact, you’d be lucky if I asked for a weekend every month. I’m not that kind of submissive. I usually only slip into that mindset when the world gets to be too demanding. I use submission to help clear the noise in my head. But when I do submit, I give everything I have to my Dom.

=Clearing my throat, I felt myself stab a mushroom before pushing it between my lips. I needed to distract myself from what I was about to say. I wasn’t sure why it bothered me, but for some reason, it did.= I don’t mind if you have other subs. If you decide you want more than me, we wear condoms. I don’t care how healthy the other subs are or how safe you are with them. I’m not going to get a disease. I refuse.

=I let out a dark laugh as I thought about the fact that Del could already be a father. He needed to know the truth about me, though.= You getting me pregnant will never be an issue. When I was a kid I was in an accident. That accident resulted in my ovaries being removed. I’ve been on hormone replacement medication for years, so I haven’t experience menopause yet. But it’s something you should know before we go any further.

Del: -I watched her expression when she brought another bite of food up to her lips and started to tell me she didn’t mind if I had other subs. It hadn’t been a thought that I’d had since I started to try this entire thing with her. In the past, there had been plenty of times when I’d refused to settle down and only do things with one person, and it had endless come back to bite me in the ass. I was bad at commitment, in whatever form that took, and I was worst at it when I had more than one person in my life.

There was something about her that made me want to try it again though. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but it was there. And it wouldn’t have been fair to either of us for me to go out and sabotage things by collecting up two or three other subs I split my time between.-

Trust me when I say you’ll be the only one, and I’m open to us working together whenever you want to. I do have a question, though.

-I threaded my fingers together on the table in front of me. I was nervous that much was clear to me at least, though I was fighting not to give off that impression to Kat. I had met a lot of people. I had cared about people. I had screwed up with all of them. The last time I’d tried all of this, I’d sabotaged it all and run away. It was going to take everything I had in me not to screw it up again. That wasn’t going to leave room for anyone else in my life.

I knew there were a lot of Doms and subs who worked together on nothing more than a strictly professional basis. I knew there were those whose relationship had nothing to do with sex. I wasn’t going to be the Dom she had to call and ask what underwear to wear every day, and I wasn’t going to be the one who told her where, when and how she could cum. I didn’t crave that level of control over her life. For me, control was situational. I needed it in the moment, and the moment was always with my partner.

It really all just left me with one question for her that I had no idea what her answer would be. However, it was something I was going to have to ask. I needed to know the answer, and I was rarely able to stop myself once I decided that I wanted something.-

So, I know that you wouldn’t want to have the two of us work together as a Dom and sub that often, but I have to admit that I’m enjoying myself tonight. Would you be opposed to this from time to time? -I gestured between the two of us- Not Dom and Sub, but Kat and Del?

Kat: =I couldn’t deny his statement. This was going better than either one of us could have expected. And there was something about him that I wasn’t ready to lose. If that meant the two of us spent time together outside of the playroom, I wasn’t going to deny him. To me, it felt like we were both alone in the city.

We both ran from our problems. Although, it seemed like his problems were a little bit bigger than mine. Well, maybe bigger was the wrong word. They were more pressing. My problems were in the past. And I didn’t have to worry about them until the rest of my family was gone. A reality that I was not looking towards confronting.= Then we spend some time as Kat and Del. But I’m going to put my foot down, Del. We’re not getting into a relationship. Not when there’s a possibility that you’re going to have to go back to the States to deal with a kid.

=There wasn’t much that I wanted. I never allowed myself to want things. I could buy anything that was materialistic. But I didn’t allow myself to want company of people. And I knew that if I did continue to spend time with Del, I was going to allow myself to want more with him. For the time being, I needed to draw a line in the sand. I needed to protect myself from getting hurt. It just wasn’t something I was willing to risk.= I don’t have a problem with us as friends. To me, it feels like we could use that.

=It took almost no time to clean up the dishes we had. Everything just went into the sink for a soak. I’d deal with the rest of it later. I wasn’t in the mood to clean. And it wouldn’t hurt the dishes to sit in the sink for a while. Leading Del into the living room, I took a seat on the couch. There was still so much we needed to talk about, but I wasn’t sure when he was going to want to get into it.= I know we should probably discuss what you want from me when we do have playtime. But the truth is I am not in the mindset to discuss your rules and how you want me dressed.

Del: -I could only chuckle as she settled into the couch and told me that she didn’t want to discuss rules and guidelines. The truth was I didn’t want to either, and I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to get too deep into anything before I knew what was going on with the rest of my life. It was a lot to take on for anyone. I was a lot on my own without all of the rest of it. And I really had no idea what was going to happen with the rest of it, though it made me a little queasy to think about all of it. I got a rush of guilt and worry and that urge to run away again that made me feel like an ass. The truth was, I still thought they were all better off without me, that I wasn’t ever going to be the kind of guy that should be a father.

I stretched out beside her, sliding an arm across the back of the couch and just behind her shoulders like I was some kind of stupid teenaged boy on a date trying to be smooth- Then we don’t have to discuss any of it. I think we’ve got time for all of that in future if we’re going to decide to do this together. For now, I was enjoying getting to know you, and you’re right, I could definitely use a friend. Those are few and far between these days.

-If I thought about it, there were very few people around I’d call a friend in my life right now. Andre was more of an acquaintance who was secretly hoping I’d get my life together and stop being a hermit in my apartment above the cafe. There was only going to be one way to make that happen. I was going to have to have a reason to leave the apartment. If I could get everything delivered there I thought I needed then I wasn’t going to leave. The thing I couldn’t get delivered was another human being for company, at least not company that I really craved. Kat was the kind of person whose company I wanted, the kind who could drag me out of one of the funks I was good at putting myself into without even trying. Even if we were only friends, it would at least give me a reason not to just get lost in myself.-

Kat: =There was something sad in his eyes. It wasn’t even that he wanted a friend. He needed someone he could lean on. He needed someone that was going to walk through all of this without judging him. And if that was something I could do, I was going to do it. There was something about the man next to me that made me want to make him smile. It felt like it was something he didn’t do that often. And for some reason, I wanted to be the person that made him smile.

But I needed to protect myself. I didn’t know what was going on in the United States. I didn’t know if he was going to turn around and run back there when the baby was born. But I had a feeling that wasn’t going to be the case. I knew that he meant what he was saying. He truly felt that they would be better off without him. And I wondered if that was the case. All I knew was that he was here with me. And I wanted to take advantage of it. I wasn’t sure if Del was going to pull the disappearing act on me, but I was going to take advantage of the time I had with him now.

It took about three seconds for me to consider what was about to happen. But I knew he needed this as much as I did. He needed to feel someone against him. He needed to feel wanted, even if it was only for a second. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind as I pressed a kiss against Del’s lips. They were different than I thought they were going to be. They were softer than I had been expecting. He had this hard shell about him that I was almost afraid of his lips being the same way, but his kiss was everything I needed in that moment. It was soft and sure. As much as I wanted to kiss Del, he wanted to kiss me just as much.=

Del: -I had to admit the fact that she had kissed me was a pleasant surprise. It wasn’t what I was expecting in the slightest after all her talk and wanting to get to know each other. I wanted it though, more than I’d even believed myself until she leaned in and just planted the kiss on me. I’d been doubting myself and everything that I was for a long time now, longer than I’d wanted to admit to anyone including myself. Confidence had always been the thing I’d projected externally. That was the part of me I wanted the world to see. I never let anyone see what was going on inside, but for some reason, I felt like Kat could see down to the core of everything, maybe even better than I could myself. I needed her in my life, whether it was sub or friend or something else. I knew that much for certain. If we were only friends, then it was going to be enough as long as I had her around. We were a lot alike, but we were also very different. I just knew she was going to be the kind of person to call me on my bullshit when it all got to be too much and I didn’t even see the truth behind the facade that I put up for everyone else.

For now, I was just going to enjoy this kiss as long as it lasted. My hands went to her waist of their own accord. I wasn’t going to be able to control them anymore than I could control Kat’s reaction to me pulling her in a little closer and deepening the kiss. I just knew that I needed her in this moment.-

Kat: =I knew the truth about what the two of us were doing. And we were risking everything that we had set up tonight. We had a good foundation for some kind of a relationship.I wanted to be able to have a friend in this. And I wasn’t yet ready to walk away from the man that was currently trying to drag me further into his lap. It was simple to let myself be there, too. I was already so incredibly comfortable with him.

But there was no way I was going to go any further than where we were tonight. I needed him to know that I didn’t want to rush this. To me, this wasn’t about sex. Tonight was never going to be about sex. It was about the two of us making sure that this was something we wanted to do. It was a test to see if Andre had been right. And so far, he had been. But I wasn’t going to throw that out the window so fast.

I felt myself pull away from Del as I slowed the kisses that were getting to be a little too much. My body was begging me to keep going, but I knew the truth. I needed to not let myself be controlled by my hormones. I needed to be up front with everything. Especially with where my mind was right now.

Pressing my forehead against Del’s, I let my eyes lock on to his. His breaths were coming out just as harsh as mine were. And I knew that the look in my eyes was a little wild. I wanted to keep going. My body was screaming at me to take the next step. But my head was playing the logical game.= We can’t. You know we can’t. So I’m going to stop us before we go any further.

Del: -She was right. We both knew that she was as much as we might not want it to be true, and her pulling away was most likely the best thing in the moment. As much as I didn’t want to let her go, it was something that needed to happen. We could rush into things, but I’d rushed into things before. It had never ended well for me. Taking things more slowly could only work out for the better for the both of us.

It would have been easy to let go and get lost in the moment, to get lost in her, probably easier than I would have liked to admit to myself. I wanted to think of myself like an island. I had everything I needed all on my own, right? Only, I didn’t. I didn’t have half of the things I really and truly needed in my life, but I wasn’t going to find them by rushing headlong into anything again. I needed a friend, and I hoped I’d found that in Kat. If nothing more than that came of it, at least I had that much in my life.

I let her pull away without complaint, though I couldn’t promise I wasn’t letting the disappointment I felt in spite of everything show in my eyes. I knew she was right, but that didn’t make me feel any less reluctant to let her out of my arms.-

I know. We both know. But I have to admit tonight has been a pleasure. I should thank you for having me over, but I get the feeling that you’d call me out for being full of shit. So, I’ll just leave it at goodnight.

-I allowed myself a gentle laugh before she pulled herself completely away and I pushed myself up to stand from the couch. It had been a good night, but it did need to come to an end sooner or later as much as I might hate that. I couldn’t stop myself from pausing to lean in and press a final kiss on her forehead before excusing myself out the same door I’d entered from. I hadn’t been sure what I was expecting when I’d come in, but I was pretty sure I wasn’t expecting what had actually happened. Whatever came of it, I was glad I’d met Kat, and I wasn’t going to hide the fact that I was looking forward to getting to know her better. Only time would tell what became of all of this, but for the moment, I was optimistic. It was the first time I’d been optimistic for a long time. I was also going to have to admit to Andre that he was right to his face the next time we had lunch, which wasn’t altogether the most pleasant idea. He was going to gloat, but this was more than worth it.-

#SearchingForSomethingThatICantReach

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