darkroomofsecrets

[darkroomofsecrets]

woke up crying from a dream will this ever end i can’t take this Anymore

[darkroomofsecrets]

I'm really stressed rn because I feel like I've been overwhelming myself with work and school and family and friends and relationships for a long time and its finally catching up to me...I don't get how people have time for everything while remaining sane.

I was just reflecting on how the past couple years ive become this person that is constantly overworking myself and can't allow myself to just relax and spend a day doing nothing without feeling guilty and it's so weird because I know this is who I am now but at the same time I barely recognize myself as this kind of person. it's so strange because a lot of the people in my life now have told me they admire this about me, but I'm still accepting that this is who I am. like my therapist told me a while ago that she could tell from the moment she met me that I'm the type of person who has to have my life together because if at any point I feel like my life isn't in control than it makes me spiral due to me learning as a child that the only person I can rely on is myself. and though I agree, I never thought about how I wasn't actually this way until a few years ago, and I'm just now realizing why.

for most of my teen years/early adulthood I relied on my ex on a lot and allowed him to be there for me because like any normal bf, he was there for me. until he wasn't. lol. and I think that retriggered my childhood abandonment wounds, reinforcing the idea that the only person there for me is myself and the only person I can rely on is myself. because if the people who have had the biggest impact on my life, my parents and my bf at the time (who was part of my life for 1/3 of my life), have showed me that they aren't there for me then... obviously that's going to have an affect on me lol. and to add on to that my mom acting like it was the end of the world that I had to move back into my room that she converted into her "office/craft room" when I told her I broke up with my bf and needed to get out of our apartment asap...literally fuck everyone lmfao the only person that has consistently been there for me is my grandma. except she did make a comment about wanting to visit my ex at his job because "I love him he didn't do anything to me". obviously she doesn't know about everything leading up to me breaking up with him and how he's acted since but it still kinda sucks. it just shows that she is genuine and really loved and cared about him, even though he doesn't deserve it. but the fact that all of this has turned me into this hyper-independent person that has no time for anyone makes a lot of sense.

in one sense, I'm glad all this happened and has taught me that the only person I have is myself. because I am actually working towards building a life I deserve and want now. but in another sense, I don't want to be the type of person that blocks all connections and builds walls between themselves and other people because they're scared of getting hurt. there's a fine line between being busy and working on yourself and being stuck in a hyper-independent, trust-no-one mindset and I'm really trying to not cross that line. but sometimes I wonder if my priorities are out of wack. like I'm 25 and not as far in life as I would like to be because I fucked around too much when I was younger and now I feel like I have to make up for it and do as much as I can until I reach those goals. but also I'm still somewhat young and feel like I should be prioritizing friendships and allowing myself to make romantic connections but its hard to do that while being in school and working. also...I did work on my and prioritize my relationship for most of the last 10 years of my life and look where it got me...idk I'm Lost