darnedonetalks

[darnedonetalks]

Loneliness

I enjoy listening to podcasts, in general. I usually listen to them when I am walking around aimlessly, when I know that I have a long walk home, usually. 

Today, I was listening to this podcast. 

https://freakonomics.com/podcast/loneliness/

The more I listened, the more I realised how much I relate to it. 

The podcast first introduces the definition of loneliness, which according to one of the scientists interviewed for the podcast, was:

“Loneliness has been defined as that subjective discrepancy between our actual level of social connection and our desired level of connection.”

Now, I think that rings true, especially since the idea that a “desired” level means that it differs from one person to another.

Then, somewhere later down the podcast, the journalist speaks about the connection between living alone and loneliness - something particularly applicable to me. There was a statement: the choice to live alone does not necessarily create loneliness.

“People who live alone are surprisingly social. They’re more likely than people who are married to socialize with their friends, with their neighbors. They are more likely to participate in all kinds of shared social activities — going to the gym, going to concerts, going to libraries, cafes, things like this.”

I have reached out to more interest groups since I moved into a place where I have a room of my own, which made conversations with my roommate, my sister - a choice, rather than a necessity. We now do not have to ask each other to get out of the way, or to be silent because we were bothering each other, like we did in the past when we were sharing a room. Hence, since having my own personal space meant having less of these types of conversation, I have felt the need to seek out interest groups and I did.

Moving on, one of the interviewees said that “living with someone does not necessarily insulate you from loneliness.”

The researcher interviewed some people, who said 

“As lonely as I sometimes feel when I’m on my own, there’s nothing lonelier than living with the wrong person. There’s no feeling more lonely than having a domestic partner with whom one was once intimate, with whom once had a feeling of trust and connection, and coming home and feeling disconnected from that person.”

My second anecdotal example will explain further why I think that the statement above is something that I highly resonate with.

I’ve spoken about loneliness multiple times previously, in my own conversations with friends as well as on my previous posts.

Here are a few examples, and I am not going to hold myself back when it comes to posting on this blog. I mean, why the hell not, right?

My grandma recently found out how to call me on WhatsApp, and she has been calling me twice, thrice a day to ask me what I was doing, and advise me to get a boyfriend so that I can get married soon and not to go out at night because it is dangerous and the COVID-19 virus is somewhere out there, so best avoid going out at all. I have had my fair share of years in trying to tell her that no, I do not want to do any of the things she suggests and been shot down pretty badly, ie. Talking to her does not make me feel happy but it upsets, irritates me greatly.

My reaction to it became these: not picking up her calls and telling her straight up that I will not pick up her calls.

Why? I feel the need to set these boundaries for myself, to stop myself from feeling bad and upset each time I speak to her.

Another example: I very recently fell out with what used to be a very close and dear friend, someone who I used to speak to and be around with nearly every day for about 1.5 years. I had to make the call to fallout / to be totally disengaged with that friendship because we stopped talking altogether and she refuses to set a definite date to meet face to face, initiate meetups or activities to do together in general, or even initiate a text conversation. Upon reflection, I found out why I felt so emotionally affected by this entire exchange or situation; my actions and hers – being around her or having any sort of contact with her (both on text and in real life) made me feel even more lonely and down because it felt to me like she did not want to be there despite being physically present. I only realised that this feeling is not uncommon after listening to that podcast.

What ended up happening was, I told her that I do not know how to deal with such situations anymore. I left the group chat.

My reflection on this matter is, yes, I’ll admit that I am emotionally inapt to deal with the entire situation. Hence, I run. If something is not giving me happiness anymore, I will leave, I will cut the tumour off. I am not the type to let ignore problems or issues, I must deal with them straight on. I will yank that bandage off as soon as I can, rather than to let things fester and bubble in its cauldron of trouble.

Perhaps it will do us both good to stop any sort of communication. She would not have to deal with the ‘expectations’ I set on her and deal with my overbearing approach to our friendship. I will stop having this feeling to want to hangout with her and getting dejected each time we couldn’t or didn’t, and much more importantly, I do not ever have to feel lonely.

The podcast ends with different solutions to loneliness, and “unwanted social isolation cannot be a good thing”.

Remember to reach out and seek solutions when you are feeling lonely.

[darnedonetalks]

so maybe today marks the start of writing, after a friend told me to, twice. or else who knows, this fervent behaviour could die down. here’s to a continually noisy me keeping it real, and more importantly, keep blogging