datingintampafails

[datingintampafails]

Darren* is single

lol. and guess who got a message on snapchat from him >.>

[datingintampafails]

life happens! right as I was going to post again, life happened. I'll post when I get more content, though may not be in order!

[datingintampafails]

[datingintampafails]

new content soon

I've been very behind, mostly because one chapter was still something that was on and off, so I was waiting until it was more or less over before finishing writing. In between that, however, I've had many more dates that were entertaining (for you and for me). I have somewhere around 8 chapters (one of which is a multi-parter) to work on, so I'll be getting those posted when I can (full-time job takes a lot of time up, weird).

Also wanted to state, my plans are to eventually turn this all into a book that I hope to publish. The posts on here are more or less first/second drafts.

Of course, when is the right time to call it "the end?" That is my question. Perhaps "the end" will come when I finally do meet someone that becomes my official boyfriend., a chapter that will not be written or published.

Titles for this memoir/collection of short stories are something that I am struggling with, so if you have any thoughts/suggestions let me know!

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 33: Robert*

Robert* reminds me of Peter*, in which, there’s confusion about names, the vibes are never quite right, and the date is pretty short. Though in this case, although we did talk for a longer time than Peter* and I did, the date itself was even shorter, a whopping 45 minutes.

Initially, Robert* likes me first on Hinge. His profile is not necessarily a slam dunk for me. He looks decent looking, though not my usual type, and has a chain bakery listed as to where he works. I like to think I am not a snob when it comes to careers, I’m pretty open-minded, but I do want to be with someone who has ambition and can have intelligent conversations with me since I am pretty well educated. Basically, someone around my level of thinking.

I decided to give the guy a chance and respond to his like by mentioning that I really like cookies at the place he works. He mentions that we could have a first date there and I responded by asking if he has dates with girls at his work often. He tells me he has only been working there a few weeks, so no. We legitimately talk about the different kinds of cookies for a while, then he moves on to ask me about what else I like. I mention my dog, then share that I space out and have trouble thinking on the spot and ask him about himself to see if it will also remind me of other things I like. He talks about seeing friends and playing video games, adds he “Doesn’t get out much.” Without missing a beat, he asks me what I’m looking for on dating apps. The dreaded question. I ask him to tell me first. My reasoning being, I feel like many men will cater their answers to what you want, instead of telling the truth. He writes me a long answer then gives me a TL;DR (too long; didn’t read) that is maybe ⅔ the length of the original message, so not that short, that says “going with the flow, down for a consistent [friends with benefits] or relationship, whatever happens, just not a one-night stand.” He announces it is then my turn to respond. I tell him I feel more or less the same, as his original longer message, but that I am not as much interested in the friends with benefits thing. Specifically, I say that with FWB, there needs to be an opportunity, or “nahhh.” I say that expectations only bring hardship and lightheartedly say I like to ask super important questions early in relationships, i.e. like my survey/application from way back when, and add “like cookie choices.” He asks me to clarify my opportunity or nahhh and says he is an open book and I can ask him anything. I explain my feelings more, saying that I don’t see the point of sticking around if someone is dead set on not wanting a relationship with me, as well as it is usually temporary and almost like a holding pattern. I ask my most important question, which is if someone wants children or not.

I get a slight argument back from him, regarding the FWB thing, saying that it can turn into more. I argue back, saying that it is still something that needs to be wanted, or at least both parties from the start can think “maybe someday.” He says this and that about the FWB, before answering my question. He says, more or less, he is open to it but it isn’t a necessity for him, however, he definitely doesn’t want kids right now. He asks me how I feel about it and I express I do not want them but would be open to adoption. He says that’s fine with him and quickly says, “Any other questions.” I am not meaning for this to be an interview. I say I do have a question, but that it is more of an open-ended/ statement that can be responded to. All I say for my “question” is the phrase “trump.” I also let him know I am going to sleep soon so we can continue our conversation in the morning. He does not like my question, that is that he says it is too vague and isn’t helpful for political discussions. I tell him that is my point, and that I am looking for him to express his feelings and that I can either oppose, agree, or somewhere in between. He says likely there would be all three. I go to sleep so I do not respond.

He greets me in the morning with a good morning. I greet him back, though I remind him I am still waiting on his opinions. It is a Saturday, so I also let him know I am about to present for a Zoom conference. He says he’s at a rowing camp and on a break from that, then asks me about my conference. He again requests that I be more specific than just “Saying one word.” I tell him about the conference, but regarding the political question, I send an eye-rolling emoji again saying that that is the point of the open forum, that I am looking for a blanket statement of his feelings regarding Trump.

He again asks about my presentation, and how it went, then goes on to give a pretty neutral debate, saying there’s good and bad, though it seems he veers more towards being a Trump fan, which is not my preference. Robert* offers to me that I can ask any questions about his stance. I am thinking, I do not need an invitation, I have a question and I will ask it.

Robert* inquires what I am doing the rest of the night. I say I’m staying in as I am going to Disney World the next day. I ask him what he is going to do the rest of the night, as that is the societally polite thing to do. I am asked AGAIN if I have any questions to ask him. He also says that he “wanted to do something with someone tonight. Chill night in maybe? Not necessarily sexual. Just relaxing, drinking some wine maybe.” My response is “haha sorry i don’t think i’ll be ‘someone’ today,” both calling him out on obviously being thirsty, as well and reiterating I am not planning on going out tonight. He admits defeat, saying that he didn’t think I would be either, but it was “worth a shot to ask.” However, he does say he does want to get together sometime.

Immediately before I can even respond to that, though, he asks me where in Disney I am going tomorrow. I tell him that Monday I could look at my schedule and put together a time and day we could meet up. I also express that I do not want to meet him at either of our places, mostly because of the stunt he had just pulled. I tell him my Disney World plans as well. He says that it is fine to talk about going out on Monday and says that “that would’ve been the plan” to not hang out at either of our places, despite what he had just said earlier about having a chill night in. I call him out on this, reminding him that he had just said something different, his response being, “yes, sorry if that made you uncomfortable. Im horny as all hell but my intentions are good and i can keep it in my pants. I promise.” How romantic. I send a laughing emoji and say that we’ve all been there before. He says he didn’t want to cross the “TMI threshold,” wherein I say that it is difficult to TMI me, but that doesn't mean I won’t be judgemental. His next comment is awkward, as he invites me to judge, but says that he’s “done [his] fair share of crazy/dumb/slutty shit. As [he is] sure [I] have too.” Weird to accuse someone you are trying to woo of being a crazy dumb slut, but okay. I bring up that I had an abusive relationship but that even in that, I wasn’t completely devoid of wrongdoing. He asks if I am comfortable talking about that and is sympathetic. I tell him more about that and he asks for some of the red flags my ex but off that I ignored. For the billionth time, Robert* offers that if I have any more important questions that I can go ahead and ask. I briefly acknowledge he asked again, by saying “lol if they come up organically I’ll ask” before continuing to talk about my abusive ex. One of the things I mentioned was that my ex was very critical about my body habitus, that is, that I was too skinny. Robert* takes it upon himself to say, “ as far as your body, it seems like you have a great fucking body…. As long as you’re not unhealthy idgaf im attracted to you sooooo” then sends two heart-eyed emojis and a shrugging guy emoji. The line he draws is that his “hands are rated E for everyone,” the context being, if someone hit him he would hit back. I explained my body issues some more and that I have stomach issues, and have always been a small person. He misunderstands and thinks I’m talking about having abs or having a fatty stomach. With the context I felt I had given, I sent a bunch of question marks before adding that my stomach issues were internal. He apologizes a lot for misunderstanding and says he is glad I’m in a better situation.

In his mind, it’s now a great time to bring up that we should text or snap. I tell him that Snapchat is “for hoes” if you only talk on Snapchat. Referencing to myself Darren* mostly. He sends me his number and then I text him. The next day, I am off having a day with my friend at an amusement park. He texts me often throughout the day and I respond when I have a chance. My best friend is asking me “who is this one?” and by the time she asks this, I’m honestly getting a little annoyed. She’s still asking about John* and where he is at. “I don’t know what’s going on with him. We’re mad at him right now. He is doing that shit again. I have to play the game, you know?” I describe Robert* as being kind of needy. At one point, Robert* is texting and asking desperately when I’m free and when we can go out. I tell him “I’m still out I’m not focused on that right now” The overeagerness is kind of a turn-off. And as mentioned earlier, we had already agreed to plan things out on Monday, and it was Sunday. He responds “Ok nvm. We don’t have to talk about that. Sorry.” Maybe I was harsh but had to put this guy in his place. I get a barrage of questions about Disney World. I mention I’m wearing my hat like a frat boy. He responds jokingly, “disgusting, how dare you.” I continue the charade by saying “yep I haze the shit out of people.” Next, however, his response is too cringey, “Mmmm haze me frat mandy” and adds “I can go more cringe.” I reply, “no thanks.” I ignore him for the rest of the day and then when I get home I finally tell him 1) I’m home and 2) what days I’m available. He gets irritated as the two nights I am available, are the only nights he is working. I have some friends coming into town the next weekend as well, so I tell him I’m not really available since I want to hang out with them. We go back and forth on what to do then with our conflicting schedules. Finally, we agree upon doing something after my work, but before his work on one of the days, giving us a tight segment of time but that should be enough for more or less a meet and greet. Because he is the one that will have somewhere to go, I tell him that he’s in charge of the planning and logistics because I wanted to make sure he had enough time to get to work.

We chat superficially in the meantime, mostly about video games and a little about past relationships. And of course… more inviting me to ask questions again. He puts me on the spot regarding the date and is trying to make me plan. I put the responsibility back on him. Finally, he suggests a place he had been wanting to try, that is more or less like a juice bar that also does protein shakes, kind of a health shop. Not really my kind of place, but I’m making him do all the planning so I won’t argue. We both independently go on a search for menus/information. He makes a comment regarding finding the menu but no prices. He randomly comments while we are chatting about the place “have i ever said that youre really fucking cute,” to which I just respond “not like in those exact words.” He adds “but yea you are. I humbly brag, “thanks! I know this about myself.” Typical male response is, presumably joking, “ok you’re too cocky” “youre ugly” “gotta bring you down a peg.” To this I just say, “it’s called confidence/not being insecure.” He switches things around saying “i know confidence is sexy.”

I don’t respond to this and get a good morning text the next day and he makes small talk about how we slept and such. It is the day that I have a date with Timmy*, but of course Robert* doesn’t know this. He at one point texts me saying that his morning got really shitty. I ask him what’s wrong and all he says is “I’ll tell you about it later.” I wonder why people do this, like why bring it up if you aren’t gonna talk about it now? It all seems like a sort of test. I do not play these games. All I say in response is “ok.” He adds “if I don’t text you about it remind me.” I don’t respond. He texts me again asking how my work is going an hour-ish later. I say it’s hectic and he asks if I’m on lunch. I send him a message about not getting full lunch breaks. I don’t hear from him for almost five hours, and given his text earlier about his bad day, I figured something could be wrong given how clingy via text he usually is. I finally text him and ask if he is ok. He says he took a nap and asked again about work, making a point that it was better than his day. Enough of the baiting, I finally say snarkily, “yeah you still have to tell me [what happened.” He is hyping it up now, saying “fair warning - its sad” I don’t respond because I figure he would still go on and tell me what happens and it didn’t warrant a response, but then he adds “if you still want to know” a few minutes later. I honestly don’t care too much, “if you want to tell me.” He finally does tell me what happened, and essentially he saw a dog be hit by a car and had tried to help it with someone else who saw the hit but the dog, unfortunately, didn’t make it. I commend him on trying to help and he says that he did the right thing and that’s why his day sucked. I don’t really know how to respond to that, plus at this point, I am getting ready for my date.

I lie to him when he asks me about my night, saying that I am chilling. More small talk to my disgust, and I verify our plans for the next day. He makes a comment about not being able to see the prices anywhere. This seems to be a worry of his for whatever reason, so I tell him that we can do something else and that I am flexible. He is of no help, as all he says about this is “idk what else we’d do.” My response is “ok” and I say I’m going to bed. In the morning it is finally the day of our date and I let him know that unfortunately I forgot to bring a change of clothes with me to work, so I’ll be wearing my work outfit tonight. He makes a comment about how he’s never seen a cute girl not look good in scrubs, and I let him know that today is the day that changes.

During the day, he states he is thinking of driving by to check the prices of the drinks and that he’s also got a back up. I tell him he should do whatever he wants. I look the places up and they are about 25 minutes away from my work. I head on that way once my work is done and I arrive first. I wait in my car until he texts me to ask which car is mine. I get out of my car and grab my things, now realizing I parked next to a puddle of water and got my shoes a little wet. I laugh it off and say oh well. I see who I presume to be him getting out of a car on the other side of the parking lot. He’s wearing a light pink hoodie, a little different but hey, real men wear pink, right?

I approach him and say hello and give him a hug. We get our masks on and walk into the store. Immediately we are greeted by who I can only assume is the owner of the shop. He is bright and happy and gives us his spiel about the type of beverages they have there. Robert* is being very quiet and is very short with the worker, saying he doesn’t know what he wants and I should go first. I try to describe what I’m going for, and the worker says the exact thing on the menu I want is unavailable due to a delayed shipment, but suggests something else to me and I accept with recommendation. I am done ordering apparently too quickly, as my date is still undecided. The owner ends up just asking him if he likes snickers, the candy bar, and he gives a not-very-believable “Yeah” so the owner suggests to him a shake that is based on those flavor patterns. Robert* is asked if we’re paying together and I look to him, he lets out an apathetic, “sure” and it takes all of my energy not to scoff. The owner tells us that they’re giving discounts out if you advertise the location by sharing a photo on social media and I agree to do so, because why not.

Then it gets a little uncomfortable. The owner is trying to be extra personable and make it a personalized experience, so upon receiving Robert*’s card, he starts referring to him using his name that is on his card. The only thing is, the name I know him by is not the name on the card, nor any fort of that name, like a typical nickname. Under my face mask, I smile and almost laugh to myself like, you dumb bitch who are you even out with rihgt now. Additional peer pressure from the owner also leads to us giving him our emails and signing up for their loyalty program, which also knocks off some cents off our drink. When I give him mine, obviously everything is the same, but when he gives his email, his email does have the name that I knew him by in the address, so I figure okay maybe Robert* is a middle name or something. Because we were under one order, there was also some sort of combo discount included as well since he got a shake and, I, a tea.

As we walk away from the counter and take a seat on a couch maybe 10 feet away, Robert* abruptly asks “what do you think the damage is?” Immediately pulling out his phone and checking the receipt of our drinks. “Uh I don’t know…. Sixteen dollars,” I guess. I am honestly put off by his obsession on price. I understand money issues, but it is not appropriate for first date behavior. I am pretty close, as it is somewhere in the mid $15 range. He scoffs at the prices.

Now that we are sitting together, I am noticing really how disheveled and not put together he looks. He has overgrown stubble, too short to be a beard, but definitely not stubble from just the day. His skin all over his face and body is dry and flaky, especially on his ears. Again, I expect a little more from a man who has had days to prepare for this date. I have been sipping my drink for a while, and it is honestly delicious, one of the best beverages I’ve ever had. He asks if I would like to try his drink. “No thank you, I don’t think it would go well with my fruity drink,” I half lie. The major reason why is that I am weird about sharing drinks/food and that so far I am almost repulsed by him and don’t want to share anything with him.

Despite my lack of optimism already, I try my best to be upbeat and give him a chance. I am trying to start a conversation and ask him questions and get to know him more, but he is a brick wall. He’s just staring at me and not saying anything, occasionally taking sips from his shake. Many of his responses are very sarcastic and rude. He actually brings up the ears; he had a very bad sunburn and that’s why they looked like that. Doesn’t explain the rest of his look though, but at least he was aware of that. It is pretty warm in the shop. I already opted to leave my jacket in the car, but at one point he decided to take off his sweatshirt. Underneath was a red shirt with almost like a confetti cake type pattern, of little microscopic dots of different colors throughout. I compliment the shirt, and mention I have one of a similar type of fabric pattern. I am nodded at. I again continue to try and force conversation, but I am still getting nothing.

Randomly he says, “come here” and puts his arm around me, pulling me close. I am extremely confused, as I was getting very negative vibes from him all over. I make my confusion known by commenting about how that was out of nowhere. His only response is, “oh you know.” “No, I do not know. I have no idea what is going on right now.” He only just chuckles and is like “you’re a cute girl.” I furrow my brow in confusion and figure we should get some air and suggest we take a walk. I ran to my car and put the drink in my car as well as my bag, being light, only having my phone and car keys for the walk. We take off and just walk through a nearby neighborhood. We have maybe 10-15 more minutes until he has to get going so he can get to work in time.

Conversation is still moderately forced, but a little better. At one point, we come up to a tree where the branches overhang drastically over the sidewalk. Whereas before I had been walking on the street side, Robert* has swung around and walked into the street, whereas I choose just to duck under the branches, which is easier with me being shorter, although I would not say he is very tall either. I made a comment about not caring and that he could have just “pushed me into the street/out of the way” and continued on, jokingly, about how you have to put a woman in their place. He says “okay noted I see what you like now,” trying to turn it into something sexual, it seems. I pause a moment, becoming much more serious when I say, “you know I’m kidding. I’ve told you about my abusive relationship so obviously I am not a fan of battering women.” In this moment, he pulls me into an embrace and tries to kiss me. I lean away and ask him, “why is talking about abusing women the time to try and kiss me?” He makes an excuse saying that he just really wanted to kiss me. I lie again, making another excuse about why I don’t want to kiss him, “I’m more old fashioned I guess, I’d like to get to know someone a little better and make sure that we are compatible and know each other well before I do anything.” Again, not entirely untrue. For the five hundredth or so time, Robert* says that I can ask him any questions.

I check my watch and declare, accurately, “We should probably head back towards our cars, you need to head out soon.” We walk back to the parking lot, having idle chitter chatter. When we get to my car, it’s perfect timing, as an alarm he had set to make sure he left on time goes off. I start to say our goodbyes and he tells me again that he wants to kiss me. I make a noise that makes my discomfort known, and he says, “well what about a kiss on the cheek?” I say verbatim, “I’ll allow it.” He makes a sarcastic comment, mocking me about “allowing it.” I retorted back saying, “well yeah.” He sticks to his word and only does a cheek kiss, and I’m cringing and can’t wait to wash my face when I get home. Being polite, I ask for him to let me know when he gets to work.

Using my Apple Carplay, I ask my car to text him when I notice he is driving behind me. Though, as all I’m getting is audio, I don’t know exactly what I am texting until I get home later.

(the first two texts of mine are my car texting and not manually)

Immediately, he asks me my feelings about him.

I then offered Venmo him money for my drink, as obviously money was a huge concern for him. He accepts and sends me his Venmo. I sent him the money and let him know so.

And that is that. He doesn’t text me after that.

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 32: Timmy*

Timmy* gave off a frat-boy kind of vibe with the pictures in his profile, a trope that has become my type. His profile did seem to be half-heartedly filled out; his hometown was just the abbreviation of the state, his employment simply said "cardiac surgery," and a couple typos.

Mostly my reason for wanting to message him, in particular, was that one of his prompts about a travel story was very obviously cut off and he ran out of characters. I messaged him saying the cliffhanger was dramatic and wanted to hear the whole story. It was a very long story, involving being in Ireland and a random person coming into his and his family member’s room. I mentioned I didn’t have anything quite that interesting regarding my travels before. We chatted more and although I wouldn’t say we had a lot of similar hobbies and interests, the conversation did flow well. He was definitely more active than I, going to the gym often and eating pretty healthy and en mass. Very much a gym bro type. I also had assumed he was a surgeon, given his position being cardiac surgery, but then learned later he was more involved in some sort of programming instead for cardiac devices, so not really cardiac surgery per se.

When we moved away from Hinge and onto text messaging, we were both mutually behaving as if we had known each other a while, and better than we did. At one point, he had asked, “are you a guy version of me?” To which, I was very aware of how little we knew about each other, which led me to respond that it was too soon to tell.

I did however confirm my place as forever the more aggressive one; I text him one day "Timmy*, when they fuck are we going out?" Not that it had been too much of a long time talking, but just that he had not yet made a move, and that we were obviously getting along and it would make sense for us to take that next step. We plan for a few days from then, a Tuesday, after work, and that it would have to be more or less played by ear because of our jobs' schedules being semi-unpredictable. My easy place, Armature Works, was chosen as where we would meet up.

Our date got pushed back slightly, as I got off on time, but he was going to be held up at work later than expected. He did however give me ample heads up, so I just relaxed at home a little longer than I would have otherwise, and perfected my outfit and minimal make-up. The day of the date, and leading up to it, I made jokes about being a catfish and that I was actually a middle-aged, fat, Russian man. I continued this while I waited for him when I was describing what outfit I was wearing so he could recognize me better with my mask on, then later added that I was still a middle-aged Russian man, but that I was still wearing a skirt and crop top. I waited for him on a bench for almost 30 minutes. I arrived on time to when he had delayed the date, but still too early apparently. Luckily, I had brought my headphones, so I just listened to some music to pass the time by.

Finally, I received a text message saying that he had parked and then that he could see me. Nothing is more uncomfortable than being seen and not seeing who is looking at you. I looked around and didn't see anyone that looked like him, so I went back to staring at my phone. Eventually, a man looking more like him appeared trotting down the small set of stairs next to me. Although he definitely wasn't short, he seemed shorter than what I was expecting, and his hairline seemed to be just starting to recede.

He was not familiar with the location as much as I am, so I took it upon myself to give him a tour of the location. Despite being indoors, and still pretty amidst a pandemic in late February, Timmy* kept taking his mask off. As a healthcare worker, I was confused and appalled; he should know better. I yelled at him every time to put it back on. Once he said, "you're one of those huh?" I almost rolled my eyes back into my head. Then he also asked me, "well when can I take it off?" to which I responded, "when we are outside and/or we sit down to eat/drink." He got a beer at one of the bars, and it was a beer that had some marijuana in it, which was an interesting choice. After having toured the whole place, it was time to split off to order our respective meals. I got my food, and a drink, and wandered over to the area I had last seen him, as he had said he was going to get a pizza. He was nowhere to be found, so I text him asking where he was. He indicated that he was over by where he had gotten his beer.

I found him and then he told me that he had ordered food from two different restaurants because he couldn't decide and also eats so much due to his athleticism. We found a spot to sit nearby outside, and it is a lovely night, we were comfortable in the fresh air. We both finally did take off our masks and started to eat.

I half-heartedly apologized for being so hard on him regarding the mask-wearing, but emphasized that I am passionate about proper mask-wearing because of my experience with having the virus and wanting to make sure to reduce the spread. He then said, "Oh you had COVID! I'm in a way glad to hear it." He then pauses before saying, "I have COVID too. My doctor said I'm asymptomatic? So I'm totally good." My eyes must have gotten the size of saucers; I leaned away from him and was looking around seeing if anyone had heard him. "Wait what?" Is all I could say. "Uh, no. Please tell me you're joking?" Timmy* stares at me confused, "I'm asymptomatic! So that means like I don't have it."

I am prepared to leave immediately. "So you had a positive test? What? Why are you here right now?" I say. Finally, he drops the rouse and admits he was kidding, but that he got me. "That was not funny. I was legitimately terrified!" So far, this date is bizarre. He mentions that because I joked around so much that I would appreciate it. I did not.

We eat our food and chat. Unfortunately, he also is a person who seems to eat with their mouth open. Another strike. Timmy* has become very comfortable around me, as he also decides to tell me another long story about the time he was "sexually assaulted by a doctor." Which was that he went to a doctor for a physical and that she had grabbed his testicles and had him cough, though the way he told it was extremely drawn out and had many mini-stories leading up to the point that was supposed to be the assault. I then told him, "I'm sorry to say that your doctor was not trying to hit on you on anything, that is a normal thing that happens with mens' checkups." This was news to him. It was obvious that he is not a well-versed healthcare worker.

Once we finished our food, I suggested we walk along the river. First, though, I wanted to drop off my leftovers in my car. We walk to it and I make him guess what kind of car I drive. He is impressed by my car and we don't linger long before I say we should leave the parking lot. He tells me that he has a muscle car, which is so random and I would never put him in a car like that. Whereas a sixteen-year-old girl might be googoo-gaga over this, as a full-grown adult, it isn't quite as alluring to have a car like that.

While on the riverwalk, I become irritated at the fact that he walks very slow. Slower than I am able to walk. It makes no sense as I am significantly shorter than he is, so my strides shouldn't be longer than his. I mention to him that he walks slow and I ask that he walk a little faster. He picked up the pace, but then slowly reverted to his tortoise-like speed over time. I tire of our uneven velocities and we take a seat on some rock benches. We chat about brief things and I suggest we walk back. Again, I battle with the paces, mention it a couple more times that I am unable to walk as slow as he walks.

We get back to the main area of Armature and take a seat in some oversized chairs. He tells me about his family and some stories about his relationships in middle school and high school, which are also drawn out and bizarre. It nears 10pm, and we are told by staff that they close at 10. A couple minutes til, I remind him we need to leave and I ask where he parked. He parked in a different lot, I offered to walk him to his car. He offers to drive me to my car. We do so and his muscle car is indeed very overly-masculine. He goes on to go through a bunch of random songs on Spotify, only playing each song for less than 30 seconds, very ADHD-like. He drives me to my car, but wants to keep me there, again showing me more songs. I'm politely just listening as he flexes on all the types of music he listens to. He tries to show off that he knows "alternative music," my preferred genre, but I point out that a lot of the songs he's playing are more "pop-punk" or just old alternative jams.

He compliments my music taste and mentions that he has noticed I am adept at knowing song names, musicians, movies, and so forth. I begin to joke that likely I am a little autistic, adding "I'm working on my eye contact," as I make direct eye contact with him. What he says next, is something that I was not prepared for, and something that still baffles me, and possibly always will. "Yeah, you do look a little retarded." Immediately, I burst out into laughter; not because I think what he said was funny, but because I am so bewildered and shocked by what was just said. Eventually, through the laughter tears I am able to get out, "Dude you shouldn't say that to a woman." He insists it was a joke and makes excuses, but I keep laughing, with my hand on the door handle just waiting for a good moment to step out. I repeat that what he said isn't cool, and eventually stop laughing long enough to say, "alright, on that note, I think I should head out." Being friendly, I still ask that he tell me when he gets home since I know he has a longer commute home than I do. I wave goodbye through our car windows.

The formalities are complete; he texts me ever so briefly the next day, respectfully I respond, knowing well I never plan on going out with him again. Then it seems we have a mutual ghosting situation, as I don't try to text him, nor he to me. This day I have another date, and after that one, I have no one that I want to communicate with as that is also a dud. All is good until a few days later when I am out with my friends in Ybor, drunk. I get a text from Timmy* saying "yo." I lament and groan and my friends ask about my reaction. I explain the situation and one of my guy friends asks for my phone. I hand it to him as he starts to text him on my behalf.

My phone is with my friend, but with my Apple Watch, I can see the text conversation and when he is responding. I start yelling "oh god please don't bring him here. I don't want to see this guy." Respecting my wishes, my friend decides to still fuck with him, but prevent this poor soul from spending money on an Uber and coming down.

My friends then send a selfie of themselves, with me not in it, saying "she's with me." I yell at them more saying, let this guy be, just ignore him. However, instead, my friend takes it a step further.

I tell my friend that he was too harsh and that I of course would have told him I wasn't interested, but a lot more mature and kindly. When later I check, understandably Timmy* has unmatched me on Hinge*, likely blocked my number. No loss there though.

[datingintampafails]

Skipping a chapter

I am skipping the next chapter because it has been "reopened" per se. But there are still a few juicy stories after/during that I'll get out!

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 30: Richard*

Let me start by saying, nothing is wrong with Richard*. I match with Richard* right as the nightmare that is “the microwave” has come to a close. Now that I am mere days away from being fully vaccinated, I break the rules a little bit to give myself a headstart before I am able to actually go on the dates. I figure, what is the harm in working on getting back out there? I send a “Like” to him on Hinge, inquiring about a prompt that mentions he had broken both of his arms. The next morning, I get a reply with the story. After discussing that series of events briefly, he goes on to ask more about me and the video games I play. I step on my soapbox for a time. He tells me that he plays a video game called League of Legends, which has a reputation for having some of the most toxic players online. I ask him half-jokingly if that is his way of telling me he is toxic. He swears by his alibi of not having his microphone on when he plays with strangers, so as to not be tempted. We reminisce about Runescape, and he tells me more about some of the games he plays.

We get into the topic of pets, where he says my dog seems nice. I ask him if he has any pets where I am surprised to learn he has two snakes. We talk briefly about what it’s like having snakes, and we segue onto a conversation about television shows due to my dog having a character’s name in a show he watches, which then segued into a conversation about having coronavirus, and travel, and my changes in taste since aforementioned COVID-19.

I narrate to him a conversation I’m having with my best friend about the show of the moment, “Bridgerton,” on Netflix. Pretty randomly, he officially asks me out for drinks. I tell him I have a caveat, that it needs to be next week, as at this time I am still technically not supposed to be dating yet since I am awaiting my second COVID-19 vaccination. I make a joke that I bet he thought I was going to say I had a penis. He jokes back that he was hoping I would. I continue a joke saying I am pretty sure I don’t have one, but if I do have one it’s extremely small. We learn that we have opposing schedules, “we suck” is how I put it. I offer that in the meantime, we can text/call/video chat in order to continue getting to know each other. He sends me his number though offers that we can talk with a “different method.” Being the jester I am, I turn this into a joke of seeing how many alternate methods I can think of. A good sport, he plays along and adds a few of his own, ending in “Mongolian throat singing.” Despite the ingenious ideas we come up with, I opt to stick to contact him via text message.

Upon texting him and seeing my area code, he recognizes it as his cousins lived in that area. He grew up a couple of hours away in rural Maryland. It is late, so our transition to text is brief for now. In the morning I challenge him regarding who woke up the earliest; I win this challenge due to having a call in at work at four in the morning. We then bond over the legendary Mountain Dew Game Fuel, Citrus Cherry, that would come out at game releases; once my favorite drink, being reminded of its existence brought me anger and sadness, which I expressed I was feeling to him. We are getting along so famously, that I decided maybe I can make an exception to seeing him before my vaccine. He says he is fine either way. We start to plan our date and settle on a brewery I like near me.

Much of our texts are light-hearted jabs at each other, nothing super deep. He compliments my quirks often. He often makes jokes about having a smooth brain and sends me many diagrams. He tells me about his major in college. I then realize I don’t know what he does for a living. I ask him what his job is, that’s when he tells me he is in the Army. The stereotype for men in the military is that they usually get engaged quickly, without knowing a person for very long. Being the jokester I am, I take this opportunity to jab at him. My response to his career is, “oh sorry I don’t want to get married next month.” He says that that is why he doesn't have his job in his profile, because of the stereotypes. I joke that I have been misled to believe he had been a chill down to earth guy.

When it is the day of the date, I jokingly keep saying I am going to wear an evening gown; I mention it a couple times. When I arrive, in my skirt and crop top, I see he’s actually dressed pretty nicely and is sitting outside, wearing long khaki pants and a dress shirt. It is a decently warm day, so I hope he's okay. I compliment him, saying he looks nice and he didn't need to dress up for me. He admits that because I kept talking about the evening gown, that he thought I might have been serious, so he wanted to match my formality. I do notice over the course of the date though that he is sweating through his shirt, especially at the underarms; not the most attractive, but a person cannot help these things.

The conversation goes well, we have a nice time and I regale him with the drama in my video game community and just talk about random things. I have a couple drinks and although we weren't planning on eating dinner there, he ends up eating a burger and I opt to just "steal some fries" since I had a late lunch. He is craving dessert so we walk a block to a local ice cream place and get some ice cream as well. When we return back to where the cars were, I realize that he had Ubered there, because another joke of mine was taken seriously regarding getting super drunk. I feel bad and offer to drive him home. We get in my car and I have him put in his address into Google Maps. I drive him there and when approaching his apartment, I see a lot of construction. He instructs me where I can drop him off and suggests that I turn around in a certain lot. He gives me a hug goodbye and I drive off.

I get completely confused and lost in the construction, between closed streets and cones blocking lanes, so I get stuck in the vicinity of his apartment for five minutes before being able to find my way back to the main road. I let him know of my troubles driving, and also when I got home. He thanks me for going out and says he had a great time. Whereas I also had a good time, I found it strange he made no moves whatsoever during the night and I didn't really feel a romantic urge with him.

I get my second COVID-19 Vaccine and take a day off to recover. We still talk at least daily while he is away on his trip; while he is gone I focus a little more on the other guy I am chatting with, John*. I've told my mom of my predicament between the two men, and between her and I, I decided I'll go out with Richard* again, give him another chance. If things still aren't progressing or feelings startup, I will end it and entirely focus on John*.

Richard* asks me when he can see me again and offers to cook for me. I give him my Friday night, which is a day after I am seeing John* again as well. On Thursday, he texts me to verify, saying "I'd like to see you tomorrow, did you still want to do dinner?" I told him I meant to confirm that day. We don't talk besides that, which is good for me because I don't have to worry about getting texts from him when I'm with someone else. The day of my second date with Richard*, I text him to ask for his address again and ask for suggestions on parking, since the construction was such a fiasco for me, I'm still traumatized lightly. He tells me and after a few hours, I get some complicated news regarding my gaming community, so I ask Richard* if I can reschedule to tomorrow, Saturday. He says it is fine and so we just chat for the rest of the day.

On the day our date will actually happen, he again seems to verify the date, asking me if I'm planning on coming over "today." I snarkily replied, "yeah I don't bail, you said 730." He asks me what I want to drink, as he must be grocery shopping. I panic and say seltzers. I take a quick nap and then let him know I am headed to his apartment. When I arrive, I try to follow his parking suggestions but get confused and don't see anything. After driving around for over five minutes, I start to panic as I don't see anything. I find a random gravel lot that is in earshot of where I had dropped him off on the first date, and I call to admit defeat. I send him a photo as well to show where I am. He comes out to find me and almost walks past my car. I flash my high beams at him to indicate it's me and he hops in the car. We drive around a few minutes and luck upon a spot that is close to one of the side entrances to his apartment complex.

I follow him to his apartment, he is again dressed nicely, and I am wearing more comfortable clothes. He is wearing a nice shirt, but with jeans. We get to his apartment and it is slightly better than a typical bachelor pad, but definitely not overly showy. He is still finishing up dinner, chicken pad thai, and he gets me out a white claw to drink. We chat briefly but he starts acting weird, just off. I just sit in his gaming chair and spin around, look at his one snake, and stay quiet. In a way, I am fine with the silence, as it solidifies my unease about this going anywhere. He eventually speaks up, saying he just got a killer headache and isn't feeling well. Due to his travels, I joke about him having coronavirus.

When the food is ready, I let him serve me, I tell him to go light as I don't eat much. He had talked a lot of game regarding his pad thai being good, and unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. He used chicken thighs, which I am not a huge fan of, and the noodles seemed almost soggy. Richard* was aware of this, however, and commented that this wasn't his best dish and had used a new kind of noodles. I don't like and say that it's just alright, at least palatable. We watch some Brooklyn 99 and eat on his couch, sitting on opposite sides of the couch. After dinner, I get an official introduction to the snakes and get to pet them, it is bizarre, but kind of cool. Definitely not as fun as playing with, say, a dog. Shortly after that, I say it's getting late and I should probably go home. He walks me back to my car, which is a need since his complex is a maze. Again, he makes no moves and gives me a hug goodbye. For me, it's easy to see that something isn't quite right here. We chat briefly, for the next few days, as I'm not ready to immediately break his heart.

When he texts me four days after our date, explicitly saying the following, I see it is a perfect opportunity to come clean:

He took things very well, and I didn't hear from him again. I commend myself for being a real human and telling people how I feel, rather than ghosting and not giving others closure. I wish more conversations could go this way. I feel bad for the guy. It isn’t his fault that I ended up “playing the game” and doing what you’re supposed to do when you’re dating, which is, not to get stuck on one person and date around. It just so happens, he ended up being the one I obviously didn’t like as much and had to sacrifice for his own good. It’s possible that only due to my extreme attraction to the other guy, that he never had a chance as it was shadowed by my feelings for someone else.

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 29 Malcolm* AKA the microwave

As promised to my best friend, no dating was allowed until I got my second COVID-19 vaccine. However, I asked her for permission to download Tinder, not in order to seriously find someone, but in order to play a fun game that my friends and I titled “Tinder Roulette.” My request was granted. Of course, the deal was that I would have to delete Tinder right after the game ended.

The rules were set up so that you yourself are not punished for “being hot” or attracting people, rather you are punished for the other players’ attractiveness, and if you attract the wrong kind of people. The exact rules were as follows:

Only swipe right on guys you would want to go on a date with.

If you get a match, everyone else drinks.

Super liked on someone you swipe right on? Everyone else has to chug for 5 seconds

See someone you know, YOU drink

You get a message, other people have to drink.

If you get a DTF (down to fuck?) message (or similar hok up culture energy) you have to finish your drink.

With the rules in hand, my two girl friends and I met on Discord and added video chat as well so that we could easily share images/show who we were looking at. It was a great time, showing each other hot men as well as just straight weirdos. I came across a profile of a decent-looking guy, who had a tagline in his bio comparing himself to microwave in a depreciating joking way. I matched with him and got permission from the group to message him first. “What wattage of microwave are you?” He answered 1000 which was agreed upon that that would be the “right answer.” Upon chatting with him more, we all decided to invite this guy into our discord and see if he was weird or not.

He joins in and also had his video camera on, so we could see what he was up to. His computer was in his bedroom, where he had LED lights all around and an American Flag on the wall. He proves to definitely be an extroverted individual, and placed himself center spotlight, engaging with everyone in the discord call, while also of course trying to get to know me. I did tell him about the tinder roulette, and also told him that I was not technically available right now due to the deal with my best friend and that I would be able to date 10 days from then when I was getting my last vaccine. He was amenable to this and was happy to wait for me. He messages me personally via discord and on Tinder for asides, telling me I look pretty or asking me this and that.

Despite this, many things are notable about the group discord conversation, as by this point there are a few men hanging out in the same channel along with my two girlfriends. Malcolm* chooses to share quite a few things about himself. For example, he says that he also recently matched with a woman who was 42. Not only was she older but that she had an Only Fans account. Later he would say that she sent him a video of her having sex with someone; when he did not respond in a “timely manner,” the woman blocked him on Instagram. He also brought up that he had sex with a woman that was 55. He did not specify how long ago this was, just that it happened.

I was very confused about why this man would think these things were appropriate and a normal thing to talk about with people you just met. Once Tinder roulette was called to an end, he still stuck around. He and one of the guys starting talking about guns and I spaced out as this isn’t the kind of conversation that appeals to me. He catches on to this, as he can see me probably detaching from my body via my expressive face. He asks for my number via Tinder. I remind him about my inability to date at the moment but allow him to text me. Already, I am not super enthralled by this gentleman; he seems just bizarre and kind of a whore.

He is the kind of guy that just randomly sends selfies. Just strange. I realize as well that he isn’t truly attractive, at least to me. He is constantly asking me questions to get to know me, which is sweet and endearing if I was interested, but becomes annoying as time goes on. He makes many comments casually/intermittently in his replies, talking about public hair and too much information. Through this, I learn he gets his pubic hair waxed monthly. I didn’t even know this was even an option. I learn that it is dangerous to wax your testicles. The more you know, but I also could have completely done without knowing this information.

That day I get a different vaccination, and it makes me very tired, so I relax the rest of that day.

There’s a time he Facetimes me, I decline. I honestly am not in the mood to talk to this guy that is just… overwhelming. I simply just text him “I’m too tired to talk.” That is enough to get me out of that. He makes a comment that at this point, “if it was 9 days you would get a massage.” Blah. I don’t respond to this. I don’t talk to him the rest of that day.

Nine or so hours later, he messages me, almost desperately, wishing me good sleep and hoping I feel better, and says “sorry for texting you a lot.” This kind of energy from men is a huge turn-off; I call it the “woe is me” behavior.

I text him in the morning saying I had already fallen asleep when he last text me and said I hoped he had a good day. We have small talk but more or less don’t talk.

The next day, now Tuesday, he checks on me. My arm that the vaccine was injected into is in excruciating, burning pain down the entire arm and my hands. Work is almost unbearable. I share this with him and say I’ll likely be going to urgent care after work. He goes full “simp” mode and says that he will do anything for me and order me food if I need it. I decline but thank him. I don’t respond to more of his attempts to cheer me up. He sends me a puppy gif, A “hang in there” text, another selfie. I do not respond to any of this.

At urgent care, I’m more or less told nothing is wrong and to give it more time. My searing pain continues and so I have no patience for this overzealous individual.

Now Wednesday, five days or so after matching with him, he wishes me a good day, making this his fifth text in a row. I do not respond until the end of the day, 10 hours later. This is both because of my blatant disinterest, and I had a busy day. By this time as well, I have redownloaded Hinge, and have started chatting with my next two chapters, which are more entertaining and positive conversations.

That was that. When I didn’t talk to him again, I received a text from him two days later, and that’s when things got more uncomfortable.

After that, I blocked his number. Months later he liked me on hinge and his message was “Well I’m covid free but I know you hate me.” I did not accept his like. Gag me with a spoon please, these “woe is me” boys are emotionally exhausting.

[datingintampafails]

[datingintampafails]

Challenge accepted?

[datingintampafails]

Happy new year to all! May 2021 be a more fortunous year for us all.

It’s been over a year since “Chapter One” so it’s safe to say it’s been a whirlwind for me. I was vaccinated for COVID (dose 1/2) on Monday so I’m on my way towards a more open world. See y’all next year!

[datingintampafails]

Epilogue: Jake*

Despite how things started to get at the end, the beginning and everything in our relationship was beautiful, and just how I want a relationship to be. I wish it could have continued that way, and maybe I started to get a little greedy towards the end. I mourn what could have been. At the time of me posting this, I miss him dearly and he seems like he’s doing great (he is posting on social media a lot more than he ever did when we were together). I liked how he challenged me in a positive light, expanding my world views. By the time I post this, over a month after we stopped seeing each other, I have heard from him once. He says he is doing well and still working on “everything,” though that is not clear. The conspiracy theory of my friend is that his mom doesn’t like me for some reason, and that she pressured him into ending things with me, though it is unclear why. This is because of their close relationship and one time I had him tell her hi for me and either he didn’t, or he did and she said nothing back; he also would avoid having me over when she was with him. Tell me if you have any theories too! I am curious. 

Other stories and memories we had together that I couldn’t quite place chronologically.

The week before our first sleepover, we went on a shopping trip together to Target. He wanted to get some shirts, and I was just along for the ride. We also went to Total Wine & More so he can buy a gift for his family friend’s birthday. I was highly entertained walking around with him and being goofy in the store. While we were there, he had to take a call with a client for work and I got to hear his “customer service” voice. I tell him that I want him to talk to me in it all the time. 

It is worth note that the second time he was ever over, he logged onto his HBO Max account for me and said it was mine to use.  He was supposed to make me a profile on there, but he never did. The week of us breaking up, suddenly I was logged out of it which prompted me to also kick him out of my Hulu account.

One time when Jake* was drunk, he asked me to watch him pee from the door. I don’t know why. He wanted to keep having the conversation we were having and wanted me intimately close I guess?

He loves drinking Motts for Tots. It has less sugar and he thought they tasted better, so I got Motts for Tots. It was alright.

When Jake* found out that Ethan* and I had had sex, that is, I was always upfront we had been dating for a bit of time, but was admittedly sketchy about the sex part, he wasn’t mean, but was not happy with me. He said that I had lied to him, which I hadn’t, I just was quick to change the subject when Jake* made a joke about Ethan*’s dick once. In the end though, Jake* said, “Look, all that matters is now. You’re here with me now. If you didn’t want to be with me then you wouldn’t be so it’s cool.” This conversation flipped jealousy on its head and is something that I will always remember as the right way to respond to these situations. A mature man he could be. 

He watches porn with his VR helmet. No story there, just a factoid.

Moderately early on, after I got my car, I was over at his place. Jokingly I looked out the window and said “who’s car is that?” He says “my girlfriend’s.” I tease him immensely, “your who??? What???? You called me your girlfriend OooOoOOoOoo.” He tries to cover his slip up but the damage is done. The next time we were together I asked him more or less if that was where we were at and he said he wanted to be together with each other a little longer before being official. I am totally fine with that, as I just enjoy spending time with him.

Early in the relationship, we were once having sex and then took a break and he was fingering me. My arms were feeling weird, tingly. As we continued, my hands started cramping to the point I could no longer move them. They started to hurt and we had to stop. The experience was freaking me out so I started crying. Both completely naked still, Jake* took me into his arms and held me, telling me it was going to be okay and I was probably dehydrated. He helped me get dressed and kissed my forehead. He helped me get back to the couch and gave me water to drink. This was a very touching moment for me. After 10 minutes my hands started to relax and I felt okay again. 

When it was Prime Day(s) I took it upon myself to order him a Firestick since he said he wanted one, it was on sale, and he said he wasn’t making any purchases because he just got a really high bill. I bought it for him and was gonna have it be a surprise, so I didn’t tell him. He was telling me one day his mom was buying him one, and then I admitted I had bought him one too. I tried to cancel it but was unable to. I told him just to keep it and return one, but that if he was keeping the one his mom gave him, that I would return it for him.

I got a care package from one of my workplaces since I had coronavirus, they sent me a gift card to GrubHub, and unknowingly, I let Jake* put it on his account one night when we were ordering food. Come to find out, that there was $100 on that card, and we were unable to take it off his account once we added it. So he got to have all that money basically.

Either the last or second to last time I saw him, he was asking me if he could have my positive rapid test results, for him to edit digitally and put into his work. I told him I didn't know where it was, which was true, but more I didn’t feel comfortable doing that. When we were breaking up, I was going to give him it as a peace offering. Since he didn’t want his stuff back though, I didn't give him it.

We never added each other on Facebook.

He told me pretty early on about his childhood and adolescence, which included him somehow getting a tattoo gun at 14 and giving himself and his best friend tattoos. Therefore, he has a lot of dumb tattoos, including one on the inside of his lip.

There was a day I was at his place. After sex, my underwear was more or less not wearable so I asked to wear some of his clothes. He gave me a pair of boxer briefs and a t-shirt of his to wear. The briefs were the comfiest thing I’ve ever worn and I was having a good time wearing them. He told me I could have them since they don’t really fit him anymore. He also said that he wanted me to have a t-shirt of his so I could wear it at home. Very sweet gesture. However, he never actually gave me them to keep. A good and bad thing considering the end. 

My coworker brought in some yearbooks of when she went to school with Jake*. I took many photos and thought he definitely looked like a cute goofy kid. I told him I saw them and then would joke with my coworker that he broke up with me because she showed me his middle school photos. 

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 28: continued

His “I did” is in this conversation. He goes back and emphasizes (the !!”) on his message that said he “I got a bunch of stuff going on” etc.

Although I felt like I had emotionally gotten everything out, now I was torn apart again. I spent the day on and off crying and listening to sad music. It seemed strange that he went from being very abrupt, rude, to saying I’m super cool and wishes me the best. 

He doesn’t come by the night he said he would, but on Tuesday I find my things in the mailbox. I checked my Ring camera and didn't see him there, so I’m not sure when he came by. I almost wanted to see him one last time.

I will have an epilogue, summarizing my feelings and some other stories that I couldn’t quite place in the timeline, but that are memories nonetheless.

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 28: Jake* Part Six

The End

The following day, I don’t hear from him at all again. I try being more assertive since that worked yesterday. “Hey let’s hang out today.” Unfortunately, he has plans with a friend and says maybe the next day. Though we discuss and he says he will bring me lunch the next day again! I am looking forward to it, and am noticeably bright and peppy at work, because I know I will get to see him. Unfortunately, as it starts to get closer to lunchtime, he texts me saying that he’s stuck working and can’t do lunch. I thank him for letting me know, though my growling tummy is not happy. I was banking on him bringing me food so I didn’t bring anything to eat. He ends up completely bailing on the whole day, the last I hear from him he says he’s making dinner for his family. 

Friday, he is communicating again, he is babysitting his niece. He seems to commit to getting together later.

Since he lets me know his family is out of town, in my mind, that means, “hey they aren’t here so I will have time to spend with you.” I am incorrect. Despite this, he tells me his friend is coming over and then he bails, again. 

The next morning I text him, bringing out my sexy side, but am turned down immediately because he’s “on a boat fishing.” He says that when he gets back that I can spend time with him. It’s now Halloween, and I still never got an answer from him regarding if he was going to join us. I send him messages but get nothing until trying to make next day plans.

After this, I feel like I’m acting desperate, but literally, all I want is time together. I tell him to make time for me the next day, and he says an enthusiastic “ok.” That is sarcasm. When I leave my friend’s party around 10, I call him, but he doesn’t answer. In the morning he tells me he was “schleep.” I go to work and let him know when I am about to leave. I call him and try to suss out the plan. When I finally call him because I’m at this point in my car ready to come over, he says he is cleaning his house and has to do a few things before he can see me. I’m honestly a little irritated and get sassy with him. “I mean I’m like right down the road, it would be more convenient to just come now…” He still says no and that he will text me later. I begrudgingly drive home. 

He lets me know he’s done with his stuff but is meeting his mom out to watch football. I tell him to say hi to her for me, “ok” is the response I get from him. He sends me a picture of the food and drink he gets per my request. It’s been a while so I follow up.

I respond to that with an extension of his name, to represent my irritation; example: JAKEEEEEEEEE*.

A few minutes later he says that I can come get him now if I want, I say “yes” and head that way, letting him know when I’m there. He comes to my car with a baja blast in hand. “BAJA BLAST! Oh babe thank you.” He is smiling and says we are sharing it but that he wouldn’t keep baja blast away from me. On the drive over, he is saying that he reactivated his Facebook in order to sell some stuff on Marketplace. I admit to him that I actually already know he did that, because when he did Facebook started suggesting that I add him, due to us following each other on Instagram. He didn’t have anything to say about that, besides just “oh.”

We get to my place and we play some smash bros on “our” switch and I win most of the games, but when he wins them I give him a sportsman-like handshake and said good game. We unlock a few new characters for me, before we stop playing. We are talking, and he is saying he is tired. He’s more or less taking a nap sitting up on the couch, so I invite him for us to go to my bed to nap. 

I am in a mood, so I try to seduce him. He rejects me, saying his head hurts. I am well-behaved for maybe ten more minutes before I try again . He fingers me and is using three fingers at one point, I tell him he is a dirty boy. I suck on the fingers that he used in me. I ask him if he wants to have sex and he agrees now, so we do, but I can tell he isn’t very into it so after he says he doesn’t think he is gonna be able to cum, I agree and we stop. I go to the bathroom and find that I have blood on my face. I call out to him, finding that when I use the bathroom I am bleeding. I don’t have periods, so that is not something I would expect. I wash myself up and tell him to wash his hands. I surmise that while he was fingering me he must have scratched me from the inside at one point.

Now in pain and feeling unsatisfied, I lay back down with him for a few more minutes before he says he thinks he should go. I drove him back home, on the way saying that I was still happy that I got to see him. He simply said “it was nice seeing you too.” He’s getting out of the car and turns to say “hey I’ll text you when I get home.” I laugh and say “yeah okay.” Playfully I call after him and say “fuck you” while laughing before I drive off. I let him know when I get home. I’m getting in bed and feel something on my leg in my bed. I look and find a vape pen. I do not vape, I didn’t think Jake* vaped, but I know it is his and must have come out of his pocket when he was in bed with me. I let him know I found it though.

Next day I don’t hear from him, so as it’s getting to the end of the workday I ask if he will be home after I get off work. I tell him I’ll get the vape back to him next time I see him. It is weird that he picked this up and didn’t even feel like explaining it to me. I know there are different kinds of vape pens, so I ask him that’s in it just to see if it's CBD, weed, nicotine, etc. When I ask him, he just tells me “crack.” I feel like he is joking, so I tell him I’ll take a hit later then. I tell him I’m bringing my dog to work the next day while exterminators are over, and joke about her staying with him. He says he is working, and I respond that I was 100% kidding. I to this day don’t understand why he does this, but he “loves” my message saying I was kidding. I text him later telling him that I am still bleeding from last night, but he doesn’t respond. 

At this point, I’m getting weird vibes, so I decided to give him some space. I cease all communication until Thursday, three days later, when I ask him if we can get lunch on Friday, since I have it off. I am not surprised, but still in shock by his response.

Knowing that it is essentially over, I am already very upset. In my mind, if you have to think about it, you’ve already made your decision probably. He has told me in the past that he tends to ghost women, and so although he was more or less doing that, I did get a message versus nothing. I am at work when I get this message and I take a break to go to the bathroom and cry. I wipe my tears and am glad I didn’t wear make-up that day. When I return home I cry some more.

He leaves me on read, and I follow through and continue to give him his space. That weekend is terrible for me, because yes, I am not with him anymore, but more so because I have terrible tooth pain all of a sudden, and go to an emergency dentist and am told I have to have a root canal. I deal with it, and fight through my physical and emotional pain. 

Monday I reach out to Jake*, because the weekend is over, and like I had said, I want a conversation. By this point, I am angry, I don’t appreciate how he had phased me out, more or less, over the last week and even if he does want to be together, I’ve decided that is no longer what I want, despite what we used to have. 

I call him and he doesn’t answer.

 (Part 6 will continue on another post because I ran out of being able to post more photos)

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 27: Jake* Part Five

Tryna Trip

When we get back to my place, more or less I’m pretty fast about what is bothering me. I let him know I didn’t appreciate him raising his voice earlier at lunch. He is surprised, “oh I didn’t raise my voice. I wasn’t angry. I was just making a point.” I hear him, but tell him that wasn’t how it seemed to me. I get teary-eyed again, and it doesn’t feel wonderful that we disagree on how words can feel.

In the end, though, this conversation is good. He tells me more about his past, his experiences with psychedelics, in great detail, and how they changed him, for the better. How he has become a more calm person, more at peace. Doing mushrooms for him were, as he put it, “like a reset button.” I cried upon his description, not because I was upset, but that the way he described things and said how it affected his life resonated with me. I could use a reset button. 

Once the conversation is had, we do have sex, and I remember just my body not cooperating and I was extremely irritated. Him being drunk didn’t help either since he is less attentive and sloppy. We tried to have rounds but more or less I couldn’t contort in the ways he wanted and so we almost had anal like five times to which I was like fuck this I’m done. I screamed into a pillow due to my mental exhaustion, feeling a little unhinged. We return to the couch to finish a movie we were watching, which we don’t finish because it starts to get late. 

I now definitively tell him I want to try shrooms, and he said he would do them with me. I attempted to convince him to try it the next night. However, after talking, he wanted to do them that night, and since I had to work the next day, I did not partake. I drove him back home, and appropriately, “Hallucinogens” by Matt Maeson came up on the radio, to which we began scream-singing as we are driving back to his place. He joked with this song, saying it was accurate; shrooms make him smoke cigarettes when he usually doesn’t, and he would, as the song says, “burn his finger because he forgot he lit [a cigarette].” 

I get texts from him all night, wishing that I was with him. 

The simple answer would have been he just needed to wait a day to do the shrooms with me, but whatever. We talk theoretically about him coming over and staying the night, I was hoping to do shrooms, but he says he doesn’t want to do them two nights in a row. He more or less appears at my place without telling me he’s on the way. The night goes better than the night before, and we just enjoy being together. In the morning I bring him back home, he works out but asks for us to go to lunch together, McAllister’s again. He goes out that night so I don’t see him. 

He goes to his mom’s place again, I ask to come, mostly because I want to hang out in the hot tub. He teases me and says I should come over, though not stay the night, and then he takes it back, saying he is going to go to sleep soon and “no not a great idea,” to coming when I verify not to head over. Suspicious. 

I narrate me watching different shows and movies a lot to him, I mention I’m watching Midsommar, and again he says, “without me?” because I guess we were supposed to watch it together. He’s watching the world series, so he isn’t super communicative. That night around one in the morning though he Facetimes me, waking me up. I don’t understand why, but he is excitedly talking about sports, which normally would be over my head, is moreover my head than usual because I am basically asleep. I tell him I’m going back to sleep and text him in the morning asking if that experience was real and what we talked about.

The next day is the anniversary of my father dying, and I always like to do something fun to distract myself. I go to Disney World with my friend, so I am just chatting with him via text that day briefly. Jake* is also going out into the world, he is hiking. I ask him how the hike is going and get some photos back of nature, it looks peaceful. He tells me about all the animals he saw and that he did some plant recognition, as well as on the trail he was on there’s an old settlement from the 1800s. Mostly due to the last part, I tell him that would be cool to see. 

Monday, I do not hear from him all day… I Facetime call him because I honestly am worried, it is not like him. He doesn’t answer so I go back to having a bubble bath. He calls me back a few minutes later. He shows me he had just burnt his arm, it looks pretty rough. Since I am taking a bath, my breast ends up on the screen, though totally on accident. I mention it, saying “oops just showed my tit, not like you haven’t seen it before.” He chuckles and mentions his mom is over, and I’m a little embarrassed and hope she didn’t hear that. He says he’s gonna go and we end the call. Since it is the week of Halloween, I started asking him about his Halloween plans. I invite him to join me at my friends’ party, and am told that he will “consider it.” Despite just talking to him, he doesn’t respond that he would consider the party until Tuesday. 

Tuesday I have a doctor’s appointment, so I leave work and then practically tell him that if he is home I’m coming over to say hi since he is right by my work. He says he’s home so I pop by. I look at his burn and it is a second-degree burn. He has it wrapped up now though. I am there for maybe ten minutes before I say I have to go back to work. He gives me a long hug when I go to leave, then a kiss. Mildly I have PTSD due to the Ethan* long hug that led to a break-up, but I don’t let it bother me too badly. Jake* is different for sure.  Jake* tells me Wednesdays are his most free day for some reason and so  I keep that in mind as I leave.

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 26: Jake* Part Four

Starting to go Sour.

He blows me off for a couple of days, he’s feeling crappy. Regardless, we are still texting each other throughout the day about this and that, and I am continuously checking on him. Trying to be upbeat or at least funny about it. He has a dark sense of humor and has joked about probably having a tumor, as he does later say he has to see a doctor at some point to make sure he isn’t having, as he said, a “brain stem problem.”

One can assume his boos are his own dogs, but for a second I thought he was talking about me and my dog. We continue to talk, I try to figure out when I will see him again. I’m just a bit attached. 

He gives me more details the next day about more health issues. He now has to have his wisdom teeth taken out.

I ask him why he thinks I won’t like him anymore, asking if it’s because he will be grumpy. Seeing as the current pain medicine makes him disgruntled and non-communicative, this is why I assume that that would be his expectations. He says that is why.

Although we chat every day, it isn’t until Friday, when I finally have a day off work that he subtly asks me to come over. That is, he asks if I am working, which is an indicator that he wants to spend time together. I have a couple of errands to run, but I tell him I will come over after that. I beat him to his place and had to wait for him in the driveway. I was hanging out with a friend that night for dinner, so I was going to hang out until more or less my friend was ready to hang out. 

Jake* excuses himself to the bathroom, rather, he tells me rather explicitly he needs to go take a shit. I’m sitting on the couch waiting for him to be done, he’s taking a bit. My friend texts me and says she is ready so I need to go. I give him another minute or so and when he doesn’t emerge, I say I gotta go, but he doesn’t hear me. I text him “Byeee” instead and he yells out “BYE!”  from the bathroom. As I leave, I send him a kiss emoji and say that I wouldn't kiss him goodbye on the toilet, to which he responds “smart.” We talk just a little the rest of the night, as he too is over at a friend’s house.

The next day, I am going to the beach with Ethan*, as I still owe him taking photos for his dating profile(s). Jake* more or less wants me to bail, not because of the history with Ethan*, but he wants to spend time with me instead. He has a couple of friends sleeping on his couch, so despite me saying I could come to see him before and after the beach, he says no since they’re still sleeping. While I’m on the way to his from dropping Ethan* back home, Jake* tells me that he wouldn’t be available now until 5 pm. This is a little irritating given I bumped up my beach trip so I could spend more time with Jake*, but I am understanding.

While I am driving, I have Apple Carplay, so Siri is reading me the texts. He does some dirty talk, and I ask him if he’s doing it on purpose because he knows I’m using Siri to text. He then just gets silly.

Honestly, though, this is the kind of energy I’m looking for in relationships. Just good fun. I get home and take a shower, he arrives maybe half an hour before 5. I don’t remember what happened that night.

In the early morning, this is Sunday now, we have a direct conversation. 

He must have been over very briefly because I sent him a text a couple of hours later, but only said two things, got a short answer back, and I gave a one-word text back to that one-word text. Four hours after that, I let him know I was playing Among Us. He is much more involved in this conversation and asks a lot of questions and asks for me to show him how to play. I say I will show him, but I never get a chance to. We then get into a conversation about Nintendo Switch. He says he wants to get one. I let him know I just bought one.

The prime word here, I think, is “we.” This for whatever reason is a woah moment for me. He is talking about a “we.” This moment, mixed with how things start to go in the not too distant future from here, utterly confuses me, as, at this time, he is using specific language indicating he sees a future. A “we should” do this or that, indicates it is for us both. A lot of planning goes into the games we are going to buy as well, where to look, etc. 

I’ve also mentioned a few times with him that I would like our dogs all to meet, mostly so that theoretically in the future we could not leave our dogs alone and just have them together when we are staying the night, etc. I am surprised to still be getting tepid responses. 

The next day, we are hardly talking. I am making efforts, but not getting much back. He has had more dental work and is taking a lot of naps. I am starting to go back to trivia nights with friends, and I invite him to join us. 

He responds “yeah true.” The trivia ends up being canceled because of the World Series while my friends and I are there but I hang out anyway. I mention Jake* to this group of friends for the first time, as I haven’t seen them since he and I started talking. My friend says him not wanting to come to trivia is a red flag, I become a little defensive at the moment, though in the end, I tell her she was right after things ended. 

Since there is a stolen base at the world series that night, Jake* tells me that Taco Bell is gonna have free Doritos Locos Taco. This turns into him saying he will bring me lunch the next day at work. He follows through, I give him my order, then I step away from work to be with him. He ordered a crunch wrap supreme, which they had sour cream on, even though he asked without due to his dairy allergy. He is a little bummed but eats his other taco without issue. Lunch starts nice, I’m happy to see him and cozy up to him when I’m done eating. We watch an episode of Legend of Korra on his phone. 

I am touching him and laying my head on his shoulder. Suddenly he blurts out, “why do you do that,” in a rather abrasive tone. I ask him what he’s talking about. He is saying that I am fidgety, anxious, all the time. “I don’t even know I’m doing it,” I responded. We had this conversation once before, but this time he seems more irritable about it. All I am doing is stroking his arms with my finger, something I have done with other men in my past, where it has never been a problem if anything something they liked. 

“So like I’m like this,” he demonstrates, leaning over staring forward, completely still, for a few moments. “And you are like,” he demonstrates shifting a few times, jittering. I am starting to tear up a little bit. I only have a few more minutes left on my break, and I hate to leave back to work in this state. I am no longer touching him and crossing my arms in the passenger seat, watching his phone, and more or less waiting for the episode to end so I can leave. As it is time to go and I’m leaving the car, he is upbeat as if he didn’t just yell at me. He says “see you later?” and I’m caught off guard, “are we going to see each other later?” I asked. “Yeah depending on work,” he replies. “Uh okay. Talk to you later.” I return to work, still misty-eyed, still hurt by him talking to me the way he did. 

He is acting as nothing happened and is debating eating his crunch wrap, I tell him not to. He says he is wanting dinner with me and wants to take me to one of his favorites around town. One which he had sent a menu of me to before. I pick him up on the way to my house and we go get ramen. It’s delicious. He has a few drinks since I am driving. We shared some sake, it was also delicious, and I have a jello shot drink. 10/10 would go again. Afterward we go to my place. I know I am going to need to get it off my chest how I feel about earlier today, and that it hurt me.