davejade-sometimes

[davejade-sometimes]

the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly!

[davejade-sometimes]

mspaint + mouse

[davejade-sometimes]

softness!

[davejade-sometimes]

mspaint + mouse

[davejade-sometimes]

mean girls stuck

[davejade-sometimes]

sburban coffee 5!

---

JADE: happy holidays!

She calls this out as a customer leaves the cafe, peppermint mocha in hand. She fixes her shiny party hat, desperately trying to get it to sit somewhat straight. Unfortunately, it is a losing battle. Behind her, from the counter, John laughs and knocks it crooked again. In retaliation, she hits him with the counter rag.

JOHN: ew jade it’s wet!!!!!

JADE: shouldve thought about that before you committed hat crimes

JADE: if you arent doing anything helpful start stuffing invitations for me

She pushes a small bin full of paper and miscellaneous items over to him, which he starts digging through with a melodramatic sigh. She chooses to ignore it.

JOHN: who are we inviting?

JADE: uhhhhhh

JADE: karkat of course!

JADE: he hates over-the-top stuff and i want to watch him squirm

JADE: dave and rose

JADE: kanaya if shes not busy

JOHN: probably vriska too. she will 100% come after me if i don’t.

JOHN: i guarantee that i’ll get a text that says “John, why am I not inv8ted to your party???????? I thought we were friends.”

JOHN: and then she’ll show up anyway!

JOHN: because it’s vriska.

JADE: well see

JADE: roxy dirk jake. jane too!

JADE: itll be fun john!!!

JOHN: jade, the last time we had a party karkat set something on fire.

JADE: hush we dont talk about that

John holds up an invitation for her to inspect. Jade takes it and pretends to inspect the packaging, giving little hmmms every now and then. John feigns apprehension, watching her closely.

JADE: looks good!!!

JADE: just write their names on the outside and lick it shut

He makes a face, but proceeds, making an overdramatic noise of disgust as he licks the envelope.

JOHN: who’s this one for?

JADE: dave

JADE: i want to do karkats

JADE: i have something special planned for his :D

JOHN: whatever shenanigans you’ve got in store for him, i approve.

JOHN: as long as i don’t get caught in the crossfire.

JADE: yeah yeah sure

She waves away his comment, knowing she probably won’t make good on that promise. She’s learned to never pass up a chance to prank John. You never know when you’ll get another opportunity.

The door chimes. Jake and Roxy amble in, along with a big burst of cold air.

JAKE: Hey guys!

ROXY: whats up

JAKE: I am so chuffed about that new years party!

JOHN: uh yeah, me too. totally chuffed!

JOHN: whatever that means?

JAKE: You know, chuffed!

John rolls his eyes. Jake and Roxy take a seat at a table, turning their chairs to face the counter with a quiet thump. Jade continues wiping down the counters.

JADE: alright so

JADE: i need you boys to help me get the apartment ready

JADE: roxy, if you want to help thatd be appreciated but not expected of you!

JAKE: Yes ma’am.

ROXY: u got it!!

John makes a face at her at the prospect of having to go on a cleaning and organizing spree. Jade ignores it.

JADE: jake, can you help me clean?

JAKE: Aye aye, captain.

JADE: john you can start setting up the decorations

JOHN: yay!

JADE: dont get too excited, theres a lot

JOHN: oh. :(

ROXY: dw ill help you john

JOHN: thank you roxy! i knew someone around here appreciated me. nudge nudge, jade.

Jade rolls her eyes and puts the cleaning supplies away. She begins locking up as the other three go to stand by the door. They exit the cafe, met by the sharp December chill. Immediately, wind stings Jade’s face, and she hurriedly sticks her hands in her pockets.

After about ten minutes of walking in near silence, they’re in the lobby of their apartment building. John gets the honor of pressing the button to call the elevator down, and it is a rather quiet thirty seconds as it makes its way to the ground floor. It’s not usually this quiet for them, but Jade supposes that everyone’s got something or other on their minds. The elevator dings, they step in and John once again presses the button for the fourth floor. When they were younger they used to fight about it, but now Jade just lets him do it. It’s for enrichment purposes, she figures.

ROXY: so guys how many people are you inviting

JADE: uhhh

JADE: karkat dave rose…

JADE: plus whoever else they want to bring

JOHN: vriska :/

JADE: so about 6 other people!

JAKE: Quite the shebang, then.

JADE: hopefully, yeah! i think its going to be really fun :D

JAKE: Well, if we want to finish doing everything by tomorrow night, wed better get cracking. Onwards!

The elevator dings and releases them onto the fourth floor. Jake has such enthusiasm in his step that he could almost be skipping if he really tried. If Jade had known that all it took was the prospect of a “shebang” to get him this psyched about cleaning, she would’ve been using it to her advantage long ago. Jade pulls out her keys with a jingle and searches through them for a moment, singling out the one for the apartment and slotting it into the lock with a click and a twist. Pushing the door open, she lets the others in and kicks her shoes off after them. John has led the others into the kitchen, where they’re all standing rather awkwardly.

JADE: lemme grab the decorations

Jake gives her a mock salute as she passes, and she ducks into the closet in the hall, grabbing the box of decorations she’s been slowly building up over time. It’s an awkward, hefty box, and she lets out an oomph as she picks it up and carries it into the kitchen, setting it down with a heavy thud on the counter. John makes a face and beckons Roxy over. They each pick up one end and lug it out of the kitchen.

JADE: cmon jake lets get cleaning

JAKE: Ready whenever you are!

[davejade-sometimes]

i give you: mod harley renames our doc every time we sit down to write

there was also davidjadeathan but the screenshot voided itself

[davejade-sometimes]

we return from sudden hiatus. please take this as an offering

sburban coffee pt 4

Jade hums quietly to herself as she fiddles with the lock. It’s a stupid lock. You have to jiggle the key in a certain way, while also holding the handle down and pushing against the door. Not great when you’ve got full hands. She has kicked this door many a time in frustration, and said some Karkat-worthy things to it. This door is her worst enemy. Click. Finally. The door whines on old hinges as she pushes it open slowly, stepping into the apartment. John must not be home yet, she notes.

She flips on the lights, illuminating the rather cramped but cozy room, and steps out of the doorway, carefully checking the surrounding area for pranks of any sort. You can never be too careful when living with John. She tosses her bag onto the couch (green, soft, had only cost them $300, and her favourite thing in the world). The room is kind of a mess, but that’s to be expected with how busy she is, and two boys living there with her. Granted, Jake is kind of a part-time tenant, but his presence in the apartment is... noticable, to say the least. Jade doesn’t mind cleaning, but these days she never has the time for it, and can only guiltily watch the mess grow. She steps into the kitchen, pointedly ignoring the dirty dishes beginning to slowly accumulate and contemplates the refridgerator. The options aren’t much, but, regardless, she grabs some old pizza, settling at the little bar-counter that takes up part of the wall to finish up some classwork.

A while later, she hears the door click open, and a crash that is probably John tripping over all the shoes at the door again. She leans back in her seat, glancing down the hall.

JADE: john. are you good?

JOHN: yes jade, i am perfectly fine.

JOHN: who put all these shoes here!!

JADE: you did. theyre all your shoes, john

JOHN: i really don’t think they’re all mine.

JOHN: how can they all be mine?!

JOHN: this one isn’t even my size! it looks more like yours.

JOHN: these are your stinky dog converse, jade.

Jade hears a thump, presumably John kicking the shoes aside.

JADE: i move mine out of the walkway!! like a normal person!!!

JADE: besides, im not the one who nearly died on them

JADE: operator error

JOHN: operator of what. am i commander shoe shoe now?

JADE: operator of your legs

JOHN: at least i’m not that guy. you know?

JOHN: vriska’s... friend?

JOHN: the one who lost his legs in a terrible, terrible chainsaw related accident.

JOHN: jade, be respectful of him. at least i have legs.

She can hear him coming down the hall on his aforementioned legs, and a moment later, he’s poking his head into the doorway of her room. Jade herself is attempting to write a hefty paper for her chemistry class. The work is fine – fun, even – but the pages and pages of words she needs to somehow summon from the depths of her brain? She could do without those.

JADE: hey!! how was your day?

JOHN: long. very long. longer than one of dave’s rambles.

JADE: sounds pretty long indeed!!

John flops down on the floor next to her bed, letting out the longest sigh Jade has ever heard. She bonks the side of his head with her foot, and he shoves it away, turning to face her and resting his head on his arms on her bed.

JOHN: some lady pinched my cheeks. she said i looked like her grandson.

JOHN: it took like 5 minutes to get her to leave me alone. it was terrible!

JADE: awwww but you do have such pinchable cheeks!!

She leans forward and squishes his face, giggling as he makes a disgruntled face that really only looks silly. John makes a loud noise in complaint.

JADE: DID YOU JUST LICK ME!!!

JOHN: maybe.

JADE: im never giving you another free drink again!!!!

JADE: youll have to pay. like a SUCKER!!

JADE: a CHUMP, EVEN!!!!!!

JADE: ill have karkat make fun of you the whole time too

JOHN: you wouldn’t!!

Jade just shoves John’s head away, resulting in a oomph from the latter.

JADE: actually, yes i would!!! and i WILL

John makes a face at her again, which she ignores.

JADE: oh! by the way, i forgot to ask but do you know if jake is coming in tonight?

JOHN: i think so.

JADE: i hope he gets here okay. i heard it was going to rain

Jade glances out the small window beside her bed. The city lights shine back at her, illuminating the many buildings and cramped streets. She’s always loved the view, having spent many a night just staring out the window, watching the cars on the streets and the few faint stars visible in the city travel across the sky. That very same sky is now full of ominous clouds, and rain does seem imminent.

She hopes Jake will be there in time for the party. The last time she’d talked to him, he’d mentioned that he hadn’t been sure if he’d make it.

They’ve just said their goodnights and gone off to their seperate rooms when the front door slams open. A tired but cheerful British voice rings out.

JAKE: Oi, is anybody home? Its pouring bloody buckets out there. I could fill a tub with how much water i seem to have absorbed!

There’s two loud thumps as Jake apparently tosses his shoes - into a wall? It’s dark. Maybe he misssed? There’s more kerfuffling as Jake manages to make more noise than a blind dog in an item-filled room.

Jade groans and slides out of bed, grabbing her glasses and stuffing her feet into her fluffy slippers.

JOHN: shut it jake, i’m trying to sleeeeep.

Jade stumbles over to her door, opening it and rubbing at her eyes as she walks down the hall, glasses-less and adjusting to all the lights Jake has somehow turned on within thirty seconds of stepping in the door. She puts her glasses on as she steps into the kitchen, her cousin coming into sharp focus. He gives her a goofy wave, smiling warmly.

JAKE: Jade!!

JADE: jake!!!!

They hug. Jake is wet and smells like manly british man smells. Jade pulls away after a second, slightly damp and makes a face in Jake’s general direction. She then notices a faint trail of wet footprints and internally sighs.

JADE: i thought you said you weren’t going to make it?

JAKE: I wasnt! But then some things happened and it started raining there too so i got off work early and was able to get a flight in just the nick of time!

JADE: thats awesome!!

JADE: do you uh, want to dry off?

JADE: youre dripping on my kitchen floor :(

JAKE: Oh! Uh. Right.

Jake shakes his head like a wet dog, spraying water everywhere. Jade yelps, as it was the last thing she could have possibly expected him to do. Well. Okay. She’s known Jake for almost her whole life; this is actually pretty in character for him.

JADE: jake!!!!!

Jake laughs and gives her a cheeky wink. She gives him her best glare, but after a few seconds, breaks down into giggles.

JOHN: what is going on.

JOHN: can’t a man sleep around here?

JOHN: hi jake, nice to see you at ass o’clock.

JAKE: Howdy to you too john!

He slaps John so hard on the back that there is an audible THWAP. Jake grins. Jade sighs, longsuffering and fondly.

JOHN: OW.

JOHN: as you would say, boy shitting howdy!!

JAKE: Nothing like a hearty slap to get the blood moving huh?

JADE: okay guys i think jake should take a shower and dry off

JADE: its great to see you!! but im really tired

JADE: if youre hungry theres food in the fridge

JOHN: how am i supposed to sleep after that strong manly slap?

JADE: just try john, im sure you can

JAKE: Roger that, miss!

JADE: jake

JAKE: Jade.

They make eye contact and stare at each other for a moment before going their seperate ways. John is making loud grumbling noises as he disappears into his room, with the occassional OW MY BACK. Jade is mostly sure he’s joking.

JADE: goodnight!!

[davejade-sometimes]

GOOD NEWS I FOUND HIM

crisis averted

and they were worms

[davejade-sometimes]

so uh

a tragedy has struck

dave worm is one with the void now

and they were worms

[davejade-sometimes]

and they were worms

[davejade-sometimes]

can i get a happy birthday mod harley up in here

congrats on being old

[davejade-sometimes]

doodle i made on my phone

[davejade-sometimes]

3 - massive fail 2 electric boogaloo

---

As soon as he steps foot through the door, he is totally regretting his life’s decisions. Scanning the room, it is as he feared: The Girl is there, laughing with Karkat and, surprisingly, John. Dave does a double take. John and Karkat in the same room together? He’s surprised the place is still standing. Dave hopes that she - Jade, right? - has forgotten all about him and his massive uncool failure, but Karkat turns his head to see who’s at the door, and shit, the jig is up. It’s all over. He can pinpoint the exact moment Karkat realizes the power he has to turn around and ruin Dave’s life. He does not disappoint, nudging Jade and saying something barely audible to her. John perks up, looking over as well. Take a picture losers, it’ll last longer, Dave thinks sourly as John begins to wave.

JOHN: dave!!! it’s me, john!! 

DAVE: wow really i hadnt noticed

He makes his way up to the counter, Rose in tow. He knows she’s watching all this go down with sharp amusement, feeling her beady little eyes on his back. John is sitting on the counter (to compensate for his shortness), and Karkat moves up to the register in front of them. Jade is nowhere to be seen.

KARKAT: HEY DAVE. 

He gives Dave a shit-eating grin. 

KARKAT: HAVE I INTRODUCED YOU TO MY FRIEND YET? 

KARKAT: I THINK YOU’D REALLY LIKE HER. 

KARKAT: YOU HAVEN’T MET BEFORE, RIGHT? 

DAVE: no no i definitely havent she doesnt have a very memorable face no siree 

DAVE: who is this person to have been deemed worthy of my acquaintance

DAVE: im a very busy guy karkat

DAVE: not a lot of time for trivial matters like consorting with coffee-making damsels

KARKAT: OH I’M SURE. 

KARKAT: COME HERE, LOVE. OH SORRY, I MEAN LOVELY LADY.

The lady in question pokes her head out of the pantry, tilting it quizzically.

JADE: wait karkat are you talking to me

JADE: i mean uhh

JADE: yes?

KARKAT: I WANT YOU TO MEET SOMEONE.

KARKAT: THIS IS DAVE.

DAVE: sup 

DAVE: nice to meet you

DAVE: definitely for the first time

JADE: uhhh yeah! likewise

Dave holds his hand out to shake, and Jade awkwardly slaps it like a high five. This is going great. Karkat looks ready to pass away from holding in hysterical laughter. In the background, John looks confused. This is not an unusual occurance, as John is often confused. It’s a fact of life at this point. Rose has ambled over to the display case and appears to be intently scrutinizing the goods. 

DAVE: so uh

DAVE: john

DAVE: whatre you doing here

DAVE: are you a coffee connoisseur

DAVE: now are you fancy bitch or starbucks junkie

DAVE: i dont see you as either honestly but then again i didnt know you liked coffee at all

JOHN: no, i’m visiting my sister! jade.

JOHN: do you really not remember me ever talking about her?

JOHN: we’ve known eachother for what, 6 years?

JOHN: i even said something about it a couple days ago! i told you i would be busy because i would be helping her here.

DAVE: i have no recollection of this 

DAVE: wheres the evidence egbert

KARKAT: I CALL BULLSHIT. 

DAVE: surprise surprise

DAVE: im shocked

DAVE: flabbergasted even

DAVE: if i wasnt so young youd need to call life alert because i just had a heart attack

JADE: i know cpr!!

DAVE: impressive

DAVE: a woman of many talents 

DAVE: i respect that 

ROSE: So very feminist of you, Dave.

ROSE: Your progress is astounding.

JOHN: dave’s a feminist now?

JOHN: i think the lack of sun exposure on his eyes has somehow warped his brain.

DAVE: whats the problem guys theres nothing wrong with feminism 

DAVE: i love feminism. i. love women?

KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

ROSE: Did something change in the last few minutes that I wasn’t aware of?

KARKAT: I SEEM TO RECALL DIFFERENT THINGS.

JOHN: i like women too. 

John nods in a very serious manner. Dave can’t tell whether he’s actually serious or doing it for the bit. He doesn’t think he wants to know the answer

DAVE: im glad

DAVE: women really need to be liked and treasured

DAVE: anyway

DAVE: can i get a uhh

DAVE: latte

Karkat resumes his place at the register and ringing him up. Jade turns and starts making the espresso, and Dave steps back to let Rose order. He finds himself a seat at the bar counter next to John, resting his arms on it and talking about nothing in particular. He’s only half paying attention, watching Jade work from the relative privacy his shades offer.

A short while later, a latte is pushed across the counter to him. The frothy milk jiggles a bit as it stops, and he observes the expertly poured heart shape in the foam. When he looks up, Jade has already moved on to the next customer, laughing over her shoulder at something he can’t see.

---

hey there quick authors note ig

thank you (especially you!! you know who you are. you can absolutely be crowned our number one fan) for the support on our silly little self-indulgent writing

:)

[davejade-sometimes]

second installment that was written in like 10 minutes

---

ROSE: I think we should discuss what happened back there. DAVE: discuss what DAVE: nothing happened ROSE: Mhm. Interesting. DAVE: dont even DAVE: theres nothing interesting youre being ridiculous DAVE: even more ridiculous than your attempt to look off into the distance mysteriously DAVE: that girl probably thought you were high more than she thought you were swoon-worthy ROSE: And I do believe most innocent coffee drinkers thought you were a madman for being so distraught over nothing.

Dave chooses not to respond to this, knowing Rose will try (will definitely) drag it out into a Whole Thing. He taps out a rhythm on the steering wheel as they wait at a red light. A guy dressed like a clown walks across the crosswalk at a leisurely pace. The world certainly isn’t making any more sense. It takes him a moment to realize that Rose is still talking.

ROSE: Besides, you didn’t even fulfill your duties as a proper wingman. You were too busy having an internal mental breakdown that you refuse to talk about. DAVE: youre still on about that typing girl huh DAVE: oh how lucky she must be DAVE: everyone wants to have a weird ass girl pining after them like a lost duckling DAVE: talk about romance of the century DAVE: romeo and juliet who DAVE: more like rosemeo and random girl-liet DAVE: when is it coming to theaters ROSE: You’re avoiding the question again, Dave. Your tangents aren’t going to deter me. DAVE: what am i going to do as your wingman DAVE: talk to her for you? DAVE: are we awkward middle schoolers at their first dance DAVE: giggling and whispering about people were too scared to ever approach DAVE: better stop standing in the dark gym corner the chaperones are going to think were about to commit a crime ROSE: I am certainly capable of talking to her myself. I figured I would extend the invitation of returning there to you as well, but it appears you’re too afraid to accept it. DAVE: now hold on DAVE: i didnt say that ROSE: No, but it was implied. DAVE: implied my ass DAVE: youre reading into it ROSE: It’s very light reading. DAVE: why would i be afraid DAVE: its a building DAVE: with a lot of plants ROSE: Then you should have no problem with returning, say, tomorrow?

Dave says nothing, debating his options. He could give her the satisfaction of potentially watching him fail again (unlikely. He’s far too cool for that to happen. Just. So smooth), or he could chicken out and let her hold it over his head forever. She’d need a stepladder, but she would find a way to make it happen.

He can feel her expectant look from the passenger’s side, the particular tilt of her head visible in his peripheral vision. He also knows the Eyebrows are making a reappearance.

DAVE: fine DAVE: but youre paying

He hopes he won’t regret this.

[davejade-sometimes]

you don't save the world by relaxing, a ficlet set on lofaf.

in which dave would like jade to take a break, and jade would like dave to leave. those frogs are not going to breed themselves, after all.

----

“Hey,” Dave says as he walks into the large room. He glances around, first watching the many, many frogs hopping around the room, and then at the mess that has begun to pile up. In the middle of it all is Jade, who is hunched over the main console, frantically pressing buttons and muttering to herself.

Dave studies her for a moment. Her hair is frizzy and unkempt, and he’s pretty sure she’s wearing the same clothes he saw her in five days ago.

She clearly didn’t hear him. “Hey,” he repeats, a little louder. Jade jumps, letting out a small shriek.

“Hi,” she says tiredly, but doesn’t turn to face him, still pressing buttons. Click, click, click. He moves to stand over her shoulder, watching her press various different buttons that make absolutely no sense to him.

“Are you good,” he asks, knowing the answer. He wishes she would turn to face him.

A slight pause in the button pressing. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” Lie. Her voice is just a little too cheerful-fake. “Just busy, yaknow? Frogs suck. I want to strangle their cute little faces.” Dave knows this song and dance well; deflect with humor in the attempt that he will cease and desist. Dave is not fooled - he invented the fine art of bullshittery. He ignores the silent go away please and says instead: “You look terrible.”

Jade snorts, shoulders stiffening slightly. “Thanks, Dave. It’s not like I’m trying to save the world or anything.” Underneath the sarcasm, he can hear the silent undertone; I’m doing it all alone. What if I can’t do it in time?

“No, yeah, it’s just a normal. Uh. What day is it.” He pauses for a moment. Sure, he could just guess. Maybe his fancy time-player powers could tell him. He’d rather make Jade laugh. “You know what,” he continues, going the funny route, as he always does. “Days don’t exist anymore. I’m declaring today Daveurday.” Jade lets out a small laugh. Strider 1, Harley 0, Dave thinks. “The best day ever,” she agrees.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s a national holiday now. It lasts, uhh. Two daylight cycles, and everyone’s gotta wear shades and praise me.” Jade turns to face him, meeting his eyes for the first time. Bright green like her island used to be. Dave internally winces - there are bags under her eyes, and her glasses are crooked. When was the last time she ate? He’s afraid to find out. “Oh great supreme overlord Dave, please spare me. I am but a mere uncool mortal,” she says, tone worshipful, although he knows she is anything but.

“As your supreme overlord I command you to take a break,” Dave replies imperiously, tilting his chin up and looking down at her. Jade laughs sharply, eyes flicking away from his and back to the console, where the buttons remain unpressed. One is flashing red, almost accusingly - why haven’t you pressed me, it seems to say. She presses a seemingly unrelated one on the other side of the board. It stops flashing. Her back is to him again, he notes, and knows she is trying to hide the fact that she barely has it together. News flash, it’s painfully obvious.

After a moment, she says, “I’ll take a break-” she pauses, “I’ll take a break when I’m dead, I suppose.” And Dave realizes, it’s not just this. She hasn’t taken a true break since, he doesn��t know when? After all, she saw their futures in the clouds of Prospit. Had carried that alone. She’s more of a hero than he will ever be, he thinks.

He decides on the next best thing: “Fine then, let me help you.” “No, I got this,” she says, “I’m the space player, right. This is my job. Yours is to time travel and make more annoying clones of yourself.”

“My job is also to make sure you’re like. Sleeping? And eating? Those are kind of important, Jade,” he argues. “It’s Daveurday. You gotta obey the Dave. And the Dave says to take a break.”

Another long moment, during which Dave watches her intently, knowing she’ll give in. She always does. It’s the Strider charm. Nobody can resist the shades. Strider 2, Harley 0, he thinks, as she sighs, leaning back in her chair. After a moment, she turns halfway to side-eye him. “Fine. But only if you shut up.”

“Me, shut up? Never.” He says, faking offense, and crouches down next to the console. “Now show me what all these buttons do, Miss Harley.”

[davejade-sometimes]

on this day he birthed