daveybaby103

[daveybaby103]

This, a thick massive diaper, and I’m set

[daveybaby103]

What If I get to pick your outfit for a lunch date with me....please.

[daveybaby103]

Brain Stimulation

So I went with a combination of two/three of the ideas suggested. I also made sure to include a fair bit more diaper wearing than my last few captions. It evolved into a 6,000 plus word story with a whole bunch of images. Let me know what you think. There is potentially a sequel as well.

I couldn’t believe my luck.  My application to be part of a trial on brain stimulation treatment has been accepted.  Professor Dalton had suggested it to me and sent me the link to an application page after we had a meeting to discuss my lack of progress on my Master’s Thesis.  Normally I wouldn’t have even considered being part of some trial or experiment, especially one related to the brain, but Professor Dalton is a serious man, and if he thought there was real value in it, that counted for a lot.  

I had been really struggling to make progress these last few months.  It felt like I’d just hit a wall in terms of my abilities and I was starting to wonder whether I’d be able to finish my degree at all.  The experimental treatment, according to the abstract I was able to read on the application page, stimulated the brain electrically and developed sustained increases in brain activity, as well as increasing its speed.  Basically it makes you smarter.  

That was cool enough by itself, but there was an additional carrot.  The study paid very well.  I had been trying to juggle my studies with a job at a cafe working as a barista, and no doubt that was hampering my progress as well. The money from this one study would pay me what my barista job did in 6 months.  I would be able to quit it and focus exclusively on my studies.  

** It did make me a little concerned when I arrived at the address I was given and found it was a bland office building in a suburban office park, and not what I had expected, a lab at the university.  But I pushed aside the worries.  Don’t be paranoid.  I already quit my barista job anyway, so I’m basically already committed to this.  

There was no waiting room or anything, no lab assistant or receptionist.  As soon as entered the door I was greeted by an older man sitting behind a desk in a simple office.  

“I’m sorry, I’m looking for the Neuro-enhancement study,” I told him, thinking I must be in the wrong place after all.  

But the older man immediately smiled and got up from the desk.  “You found it!” he announced, walking over and extending his hand to shake mine.  “I’m Dr Frank Neblis, director of the study.  You must be Alex.”  

Oh, so this was the office, and this was the researcher.  I had to say it didn’t inspire huge confidence.  He was dressed quite casually in a denim shirt.  But then plenty of geniuses were known for their casual attire.  

“Yep, that’s me,” I confirmed, shaking his hand, feeling he had a firm, confident grip.  

“So glad to meet you.  I hope you’re ready to get started right away, we’re on quite a tight schedule with the study.”  

My stomach flip-flopped a bit.  It was one thing to sign up, another to actually do it, to actually let someone fiddle with my brain, someone I’d only just met, in a cheap office park.  I mean my brain was very important to me.  Well, obviously it’s important to everyone, it’s our entire identity.  But I mean that being smart is a key part of my identity.  I was always top of my classes at school, got a full scholarship to university.  My idea of a fun night out is going to pub quiz and showing off my prowess.  I’m captain of my team even though I’m the youngest.  

So the idea of fiddling with my brain at all was of course quite disconcerting.  But it was more worrying to think I had actually hit my limit, that I might not finish my degree, that I would then lose all the respect people had for me.  They’d see me as a failure, a drop-out, and not the Steve Jobs kind who dropped out because they had better things to pursue.  

“Yep, I’m ready,” I confirmed.  

“Great, come on into the main office, there’s some paperwork to complete.  Just standard liability waivers, informed consent, all that stuff.  Won’t take long at all.”  

The main office was slightly nicer looking, and I could now actually see what I assumed to be the device being trialled.  It looked largely as I expected, a sort of electrodes cap.  The doctor got out a tablet and loaded up the forms.  

“Here you go.  Just read through and sign each at the bottom.  There are four different forms to sign.  I’ll be back in a minute, I’m just going to make a couple calls.  Once we start there’s no stopping until the session is done.”  

“How long will a session take?” I asked.  

“Couple hours,” Frank answered.  

“And how many sessions will there be in total?”  

“Well, let’s just see how today goes and then assess it from there,” he said, seeming deliberately vague.  

Alone in the room I scanned over the first document.  It was standard informed consent.  The potential side effects were scary of course, and I tried not to dwell on them.  I’d need to ask him more about how quickly the procedure could be stopped if anything did go wrong.  I was starting to shiver as I read through the second document, the liability waiver.  

But as I was mid-way through it I glanced up, noticing the doctor had one of those digital picture frames on his desk.  It was facing away from me, so I reached over and turned it.  I expected some holiday photo, or perhaps a picture of his family.  But that isn’t what I got.  Not at all.  My eyes went wide instantly.  What the hell was this?  

Why on earth did he have an image of a grown man in a diaper and water wings? The fellow was clearly outside, in full public view, no pants to even cover the diaper up.  And from the designs, it looked like a scaled up baby diaper, not something an adult with incontinence would ever wear.  And the floaties? What was going on here?  

I put down the tablet and glanced back at the door.  I could hear Frank on a phone call.  I tapped the screen of the picture frame and flicked right.  Jesus, this was not some weird one-off.  

This was a completely different man, and yet he was sitting in a high chair that had to be custom made to fit someone his size.  The diaper he too wore was unmistakable.  It was bulky, it had some kind of design, it was made for an adult sized baby.  But the look on his face, the mess he’d made all over made it clear this man was nothing but a baby in a grown-up body.  There was no question his brain was as empty and innocent as a true one-year old.  

I began to flick right again, over and over.  It was more of the same.  Young men with vacant expressions, with drool visible on their chins, wearing the most juvenile of outfits.  But no, not just men after all.  The next one was a young woman, and she looked just as impaired as the others.  

Two fingers.  Was she telling us her age?  Did she think she was a two-year old.  It certainly looked like it to me.  Her eyes were so bright and cheerful.  She looked like she belonged there sitting on the floor, not allowed on the furniture like a true grown-up.  No she belonged on the floor with her dollies, so she could grin up at her carers and bounce her pigtails as she played.  

I flicked onwards, until I hit one that truly chilled me.  Because it wasn’t just some intellectually impaired man or woman this time.  Frank was there, in the photo, right next to a man who very obviously had the brain power of a toddler.  

I stared at that photo for a long moment, until a voice jolted me out of my thoughts.  

“He’s actually a very sweet little guy.”  

Fuck.  I hadn’t even heard Frank enter the office.  He must have finished his phone calls and now he’d caught me looking through his personal photos.  But regardless, I felt like he was the one who had explaining to do.  

“Who is he?” I asked.  “Who are all the people in this album?”  

“His name is Mikey.  He’s a patient of mine.  All the people in there are my patients, my success stories actually.”  

“Success stories?  They… they’re…” how did I say it without being insulting?  They’re retarded.  They’re dim bulbs.  They’re riding the short bus.  It sure didn’t look like a success to me.  

“They’re intellectually impaired,” Frank confirmed.  “They weren’t born that way though.  All my patients suffered a brain injury at some point in their lives, one which sent them back to early childhood in their intellectual abilities, and to varying extents, their emotional and behavioural maturity as well.”  

That really hit home.  They weren’t always like this.  I looked at the photos in a whole new light now.  These had once been normal, functional adults and now they were reduced to this.  It was one of my greatest fears.  I gave up bike riding and avoided playing contact sports for fear of a concussion dimming my intellect even slightly.  To be so utterly reduced in brain power, to go from independence to complete dependence would be horrifying.  And there was no question these people had to be completely dependent on some caregivers now.  

“That’s… that’s so awful,” I said.  

Frank nodded.  “For a long time the best I could do for them, my therapy for them, was helping them to adapt, helping them to accept their new mindsets, new limitations, to embrace their new lives and be happy.”  

“How?” I asked.  

“Behaviour modification therapies.  That’s what you see here, that’s why these are the success stories.  I can’t restore their intellect, so it’s better to let them live happy lives as toddlers, as babies rather than disabled, depressed adults.  

“You can see Mikey blowing a happy raspberry for me here.  He came to me as such an unhappy young man, never a crack of a smile, pining after what he lost in the accident.  But after he finished therapy…”  

Frank flicked the screen right.  

“He’s such a happy boy.  He sees his reflection while shopping at the mall and he doesn’t get despondent at how his Mum has dressed him, at his bare feet, the silly moose ears she bought him, the overalls.  He just wants to make silly faces at himself, not a bit of concern for what other shoppers might think.” 

“So your therapies make them forget they’re actually adults?”  

Frank shook his head.  “No, they don’t forget.  They just see their old identities as someone they used to be.  Now they’re happy little boys or girls.  I help them accept that, help them embrace the behaviours appropriate to that age, and help their carers understand how to dress them, how to treat them.”  

“Dress them?  You mean like letting them walk around in public view in a diaper?”  

I thought Frank might be offended by that, it came out more accusatory than I intended.  But he just laughed it off.  

“Well yes, exactly,” he agreed to my surprise.  “Many of my patients need diapers now, or at least pull-ups.  It’s one of the most embarrassing parts of their loss of status to many of them.  So I really focus on embracing their diapers, making sure they really enjoy wearing them.  We talk about how soft and cosy they are, how they cushion their bums when they fall down and go boom.  We talk about how nice it feels when they get all warm and squishy, and we make them feel proud to show them off.  

“My success stories like walking around in their diapers, no pants or shorts or skirts to cover them.  They’re happy to show off how little they are now.”

It was a lot to take in, but at least I did feel I understood his goals and while I didn’t agree with that therapy, it at least explained the photos.  There was nothing nefarious about them.  

“I can see you’re uncomfortable with my methods, but that’s why it’s even more important that you help with this current trial.  The hope is that this procedure can be used to reverse the damage to their minds, or help strengthen other undamaged areas of the brain to replace the functions of the damaged parts.  

“I’ll be able to truly help my patients, not just guide them into acceptance.  And you can help make that possible.”  

That was quite a sales pitch.  Suddenly this experiment felt bigger and more important than ever.  This wasn’t about building geniuses, and it wasn’t just about me getting my degree and making money.  It was about helping those poor people, reduced to pissing their diapers in full public view, and smiling in complete obliviousness as they did it.  

I picked the tablet back up and quickly signed the remaining documents.  “Okay, let’s get started then.”  

**

“Okay, that’s nice and snug, and we have good points of contact across the scalp.  You feel okay? Not too uncomfortable?” Frank asked as he adjusted the device on my head.  

“Yeah, it’s fine,” I confirmed.  It wasn’t tight or anything, just felt unusual.  

Frank took his seat.  “Okay then, I’m going to power it up.  Here we go!”  

He got his tablet again and tapped it a few times.  I felt a bit of warmth coming from the contact points on my scalp.  This was followed by a pleasant sensation of relaxation flowing down through my whole body.  It was like all my muscles were just letting go.  My jaw even drifted open and I couldn’t seem to fully close it.  There was a fuzzy edge around my field of vision and Frank’s voice sounded a bit more distant and echoing.  

“You feeling it?  I can see you’ve relaxed,” Frank noted.  

“Yeah… I feel it,” I answered, half surprised to find I could still talk, half shocked that I answered instantly, without even thinking about it.  

“Very good.  It’s a pleasant sensation, isn’t it?”  

“Yeah… very relaxing,” I confirmed.  

“Very good.  Now, I want you to look at that screen right there, and read me the phrases.”  

I was confused about why this would be any kind of a test, but once again I found myself responding instantly, without thought.  

“Jack has five little doggies.  Matthew possesses thirty Rottweilers.  Sean suffers from a neurological condition causing disinhibition.”  

Frank nodded.  “Very good.”  

I heard him tapping the screen again, and there was more warmth and a pleasant tingly sensation right in the middle of my head.  It almost tickled actually, and for a second my vision went all blurry, before clearing just as fast.  

“Okay, please read that again Alex,” he directed.  

“Jack has five little doggies,” I began, bored at having to repeat this again.  “Matthew possesses thirty… um… Rott.  Um, thirty rot-why-lers.”  Huh, that word was quite tricky.  How did I know it so fast before?  

“Go on,” he prompted.  

“Seen?” Was that how that name sounded.  I felt like it didn’t.  But it’s how it was spelled.  “Seen suffers from a… um….” i froze.  What was that word?  It was familiar, but…

“You need some help?” Frank asked.  

“It’s just, that word… I think I knew it…” 

“That’s okay, just try to sound it out as best you can.”  

“Nee-oo-ra-log-cal,” I tried.  

“Very good, go on.”  

“Condition causing… dis-in-hibit-eon?”  

“That was actually quite good Alex,” he told me, making me feel a little better.  

More taps, more warmth in my scalp and even more intense tingling in my head.  This time I couldn’t help but giggle, it just tickled so much.  

“It’s okay, let those giggles out Alex, that will really help,” he directed.  

I let myself giggle more. It did feel better to let it go.  

“Okay, once again please.”  

This again.  Ugh, so boring.  But I found myself complying anyway.  

“Jack has five little doggies.  Maffew poss… poss… has firty um, those things.  Seen has a…”  

I couldn’t go on, it was just too tricky.  

“Something wrong Alex?”  

“I… I can’t do that last part.  It’s all big words,” I told him.  

“That’s perfectly fine.  I just want you to try your very best, that’s all.  Did you try your best?” 

I nodded.  

“Then there’s no need to apologise.”  

But this wasn’t right, I was having more and more trouble reading the words.  Shouldn’t it be getting easier?  

“But Dr Frank, I don’t feel smarter, I feel… I feel all funny.”  

Frank patted my shoulder.  “Alex, I promise there’s nothing to worry about.  We’re making real progress now.  Just relax.”  

I felt much calmer, I felt my body relax.  More taps on the screen of his tablet, more warmth, and lovely tingles, making me giggle.  I let myself do that, let myself giggle uninhibited.  Silly tingles.  Important to let the giggles out.  As they fade away my vision is even fuzzier, my body is so relaxed and I can feel Dr Frank’s hand reassuring me again, patting my shoulder.  

“That felt just lovely didn’t it?” he asked.  

“Uh-huh,” I signed.  

“Okay, read for me again, do you best.”  

“Jack has five widdle doggies.  Maffew got… um… faaah…errr…tee, um, dose tings.  Seen… I dunno da rest.”  

“Very good Alex! I can tell you tried your best,” Frank praised.  

I found myself smiling despite the feeling of confusion.  It was nice to be praised by the grown-up.  I was being a good boy for him.  

“Let’s try that one more time, but first…”  

Ohhhh.  The tingles was ten times stronger this time.  I didn’t giggle.  I moaned.  It wasn’t just tickly now.  It was… it was bliss.  And all through it Dr Frank patted my shoulder, whispered what a good job I was doing.  

“Tingles all done?” he asked as I caught my breath.  

“Uh-huh.”  

“Okay, one more time please.”  

I looked at the screen.  I saw all the letters. I know the letters.  I can sing my ABCs no problem.  But the way to put them together, the sounds they make, it’s just… it’s all gone.  I can’t read a single word.  I sit there, gaping at the screen, feeling utterly lost.  I look over at Dr Frank and see he’s smiling, so he must know what’s happening, it must be okay.  

“I… I can’t wead it,” I told him.  “I foggetted how.”  

Frank nodded and ran a hand down my arm, looking deep into my eyes.  “I know buddy.  I can see it in your eyes now.  I can see so much of your smarts have gone bye-byes.  It’s beautiful, you know, looking into the eyes of an unformed, innocent mind.  You’re getting very close now.  It’s going to be just lovely.”  

I shook my head now, scowling.  I felt very confused, but I was sure this wasn’t right.  I was meant to be getting smarter.  

“But… I gonna be smarterer,” I complained.  

Dr Frank shook his head.  “I’m sorry honey, but that’s not actually what I do here.”  

“What cha do?” I asked.  

“I make lovely grown-up sized toddlers and babies for my clients.  Some of them are childless couples, some have… other reasons.  But it’s not so bad, you’ve seen my photos, seen my past patients.  They’re all perfectly happy at the end.  You will be too.”  

I pouted and shook my head.  I wanted to get up, get rid of the silly hat, the bad hat.  It was making me dumb.  It was taking away all of who I was.  All my work, all my studies, gone.  But I couldn’t reach my head, couldn’t lift my arms or legs at all.  They were so heavy, my body stayed relaxed even as my heart pounded.  

“Take it back!” I demanded.  

Dr Frank shrugged.  “I’m sorry honey, that’s not how my device works.  It’s a one way trip I’m afraid.  Your reading, your vocabulary and diction are already gone for good.  No more university for you honey. 

“But we can’t stop now.  That would be torture, that would leave you so unhappy.  It’s for the best that we finish it, let you get rid of those last pesky bits of big boy brains, and most important of all, your maturity.  That’s just as important as losing those IQ points.  Once that’s gone, once the inhibitions are gone, you’ll feel so much better, I promise.”  

I wanted to yell and scream and hit the bad man.  I was a smarty pants.  I knew lots of stuff.  But now I couldn’t think of any of it.  What was I studying at school?  I couldn’t even remember the subject.  

“Here, let me show you what you’ve got to look forward to.”  

He picked up the digital frame again, flicked it a few times, then smiled as he showed me the image.  

“This was my last patient. His name is Bobby.  Well it used to be Robert.  Not anymore obviously.  I got invited to the party where his new daddies revealed him to their friends, so everyone could meet the special needs boy they took in.  

I took in the image of the poor dumbed down man.  Was he smart like me, before he went to mean Dr Frank?  Where were his clothes?  He didn’t need them anymore, cuz he was just a dumb little baby now, not a man.  

“Doesn’t he look happy? He just destroyed that cake.  By the end we had to give him a bath because he had icing in his hair, all over his chest, everywhere.  What a silly baby!”  

I shook my head.  “Dun wanna be wike dat!”  

“Oh Alex, sure you do!  You can’t see it in this photo, I wanted to protect his privacy a little bit.  But little Bobby had already soaked his diaper earlier in the party, just absolutely flooded it, to the point his tinkles were dripping right down his legs, making a puddle on the floor that he was hopping his icky bare feeties in.  

“His new Daddies decided a new diaper could wait until after he had his smash cake.  So off the used diapee went and little Bobby is sitting there in his high chair completely nakey, his pee-pee just bobbing between his thighs as he climbed in, flopping against the plastic seat as he hopped on his bare bum-bum waiting for his cake.  

“And when he got his cake, oh, honey it made him so happy, so excited.  His doodle got all big and hard.  When I took the photo I had to crop it, because his big, stiff pee-pee was poking right up against the bottom of his high chair tray!  Everyone thought it was so sweet, and his daddies joked about how it would be easy to tell when their new boy is feeling happy.”  

The idea of being so exposed was horrifying.  And the smile on Bobby’s face, his total lack of awareness of everyone at the party, of complete strangers seeing his erect pee-pee, made it even worse.  

But how had I ended up here?  Professor Dalton has given me the link.  He’d suggested this.  He was my advisor, my mentor.  Could he have known?  

“Pofessor Dalton!” I shouted.  “He telled me ‘bout dis,” I said.  

Dr Frank made a face of understanding, patting my hand now.  “That’s right, he helped you to get here, didn’t he?”  

I nodded.  “Does he know?” I asked.  

Dr Frank gave a little chuckle, then flipped through images on the frame again.  “Ah, here we go. I think this one might be familiar to you.”  

I looked at the image and even though I felt all fuzzy and lots of things were missing in my head, I still instantly recognised Kyle.  He’d been a fellow grad student in my programme last year.  But he’d found it too tough and dropped out at the end of that year.  

Kyle had always been a big guy.  He was tall, he was a little overweight, but he was muscular as well, despite being a big nerd who loved science fiction.  I’d been surprised when he left, since I’d always regarded him as brighter than me, one of the few in the programme I felt that about.  I understood his disappearing without a word though, it would have been humiliating to fail.  

But now I saw Kyle as I’d never imagined him.  Yes, it was him, but the intelligent look was utterly gone. 

It wasn’t just the slack, dumb expression.  It was the buzz cut hair. It was the stained, holey clothing, the dirty bare feet.  He had gained a fair bit of weight and lost his muscles.  What had happened?  

“Dats Kyle! But he looks all wong!” I complained.  

“That’s right, this is Kyle, your former colleague.  I took this on his one month follow-up visit.  You can see he’d already put on a bit of weight.  But it’s not so bad.  No more pressure of studying for him, no more deadlines.  He was so relaxed and happy playing on his knees in the waiting room, pushing his toy truck around.  He was very keen to show it off to me and tell me how much he loves trucks now.”  

“Why’s he got no shoes?”  

Dr Frank shrugged.  “I think that’s just what his daddy likes for him.  He likes barefoot, tubby boys with simple minds.  It’s okay, don’t feel bad.  Kyle told me he likes having bare feet now, and he gets to eat whatever he wants.”  

I didn’t understand this at all.  I didn’t understand why he was showing me Kyle, until he flipped to the next image.  I gasped.  

It was Kyle again, even fatter now, looking even dumber, and standing right next to him was Professor Dalton, smiling at this scene, holding Kyle’s bag, getting him into a disabled van for the trip to a special school, which apparently allowed him to attend in bare feet as well.  

Dr Frank pointed to the photo. “You see, what a happy boy he is now.  Lovely free tootsies, big smile and a caring Daddy.  And Professor Dalton has the loving, special boy he always wanted.”  

I shook my head.  “Dun wanna be fat!” 

Dr Frank chuckled. “Don’t worry Alex, Professor Dalton isn’t going to be your Daddy.  He already has his boy.  He just likes to help me now, help boys who would be happier without all those smarts burdening them.  I already have a nice couple lined up to take you in.  They’re very excited about getting to take care of you.”  

I sniffled, feeling the tears coming on, my emotions out of my control.  

“Aww, there, there, I know this is tough.  Let’s not prolong it any more.  One more nice big buzz will do it honey.  This one’s going to feel so, so good, I promise. This one’s going to take the rest of that silly old maturity away too, so you’ll be grinning away just like your old buddy Kyle when I take your photo.”  

I was going to disappear, just like Kyle.  No one really knew I was here.  And it was a one-way trip.  This was the end of my academic career, my whole future.  

“Don’t make me go away!” I begged.  

Dr Frank paused.  “It’s okay Alex, you aren’t going anywhere.  Your new Daddy lives right here in town, so there’s no chance of just making you disappear.  No, you’ll still get to see all your old friends and family.  They’ll just think you had an unfortunate breakdown, a complete psychotic break, leaving you in a fugue state.  

“I have all the notes prepared, showing you under my treatment.  So don’t you worry, no need to say bye-byes.”  

I had a moment of relief, before it hit me that this was even worse.  Everyone I knew would see me reduced to an empty-eyed moron.  I had to fight it, I had to… 

Dr Frank tapped the tablet screen and my whole scalp was so warm it was almost hot.  My mouth dropped open and a long, deep moan was released.  It was beyond bliss.  This… this was absolute euphoria.  It was worth losing my mind forever to feel this.  It was my brain’s swan song.  I wanted to thank Dr Frank for being truthful for this one time.  He hadn’t lied, it was lovely, it was perfect.  

Dr Frank puts down the tablet.  I blink because my vision is so fuzzy, so blurry, I can barely see him.  But then it clears, just as the last tingles fizzle out, leaving my head feeling so empty, so clean and light.  I swivel it back and forth, wondering if I might feel the last big boy smarts knocking around in there.  But there is no such sensation.  

“Okay Alex, you did such a good job for me.  High five buddy!” Dr Frank praises.  

I find his words tricky to follow.  I recognise my name.  Alex.  I’m Alex.  That’s me!  And good job. That’s good, I did right.  High five?  It’s familiar, but… Ah, I know now, I recognise the way he’s holding out his hand to me.  I reach out and slap it with my own palm, giggling at the smack sound it makes.  

“Now, we better get you changed,” he says, pointing down to my lap.  

Oh, my pants are all dark in the middle, and when I shift I can feel how sticky and wet they are.  The whole seat of the chair is wet actually and it’s dripping down my legs.  

“Did pee-pee!” I announce.  The grown-up needs to know.  I used to be a grown-up.  I’m not anymore.  

“That’s right!  Good job for telling me, you’re not a baby after all, you know when you’ve got tinkles in your pants.”  

Notta baby.  That’s right, I’m still a big boy after all, just not as big as before.  I feel proud.  I must have fought some of the tinglies after all.  

“Awex big!” I agree, hopping on my bum so my soggy undies squish.  

“That’s right, but we should get rid of those icky pants and undies,” Dr Frank says.  “Those aren’t the right clothes for you.”  

That’s right, I remember now.  I saw all the photos of boys and girls like me.  Big bodies, little inside.  Not a baby! But littler.  I remember what Dr Frank said about Kyle.  I know just what I need to do.  I need to tell the grown-up too, show him I know.  

I grab my shoe and yank at it.  The laces are on tight, but I don’t know how to undo them.  I need a grown-up for that.  But I’m strong, I pull harder and the shoe pops free, so I can drop it to the floor with a big smile at my success.  

“No soos!” I shout to Dr Frank.  Special boys like Kyle don’t wear shoes, they have nice free tootsies.  Now I’m special too, so I don’t need shoes either.  It makes perfect sense.  

“That’s right Alex, get rid of those icky old grown-up shoes, get nice free feeties.”  

I do!  I get the other one off and I yank the socks away too.  They’re easier.  And then I feel so nice and free.  And it gets even better when Dr Frank helps me take off the pants and icky undies.  They’re so wet! They stick to my bum.  And then Dr Frank has me lie down on the floor and he cleans my bum and my winkie and get them all dry.  It feels very nice.  My doodle even gets big.  I remember that, big doodle means I’m happy.  It lets everyone know I’m happy.  

But I can’t see it long.  Dr Frank puts my diaper on.  I whine a bit at first when he shows it to me.  

“Notta baby!” I remind him.  “Do pee-pees, Awex tell.”  

“I know, you’re not a baby at all.  But you don’t like icky wet undies and pants, do you?”  

I shake my head.  Of course not.  

“And you don’t know you’ve done tinkles until they’re already out, right?”  

I nod.  

“So wouldn’t it be nicer to have a soft, cosy diaper instead?  That way you stay all clean.  That’s what big boys do! I bet you’d like everyone to be able to see your diaper, so they can see it’s nice and clean, and know how big you are.”  

It was hard to follow his words, but Dr Frank was so kind and seemed to know best.  Yes, I wanted people to know I was big.  I should let them see my dry, clean diapee.  

“Wan’ diapee,” I agreed.  

Dr Frank slipped it on, then pulled out a pair of shorts.  I fussed.  “No! No sots!” I insisted, swinging my legs around.  I wanted everyone to see my diapee. How else would they know I wasn’t a baby?  And besides that, I had discovered bare legs felt just as nice as bare feeties.  

“Okay, okay, no shorts,” Dr Frank agreed, putting them away.  

Yay!  I get to show everyone my clean diapee.  I feel so excited and energetic now.  I want to climb!  It’s easier to climb now in bare feet and legs, nothing to get in the way.  I’m a good climber.  I want Dr Frank to see.  

“Watch me!” I insist, and he does.  

See, I can climb really good.  I’m not a baby at all.  I’m a very big boy.  

**

One Month Later

I’m at pub quiz again.  I used to really like pub quiz.  I knew all the things.  I was the captain.  I’m not the captain anymore, but I still get to come.  Daddy brings me.  Daddy knows Professor Dalton.  He told Daddy all about when I was big.  I couldn’t tell Daddy, I don’t have enough words now.  

I love my Daddy so much.  He cuddles me a lot.  He kisses my boo-boos.  He always puts me in a nice, clean diaper when I do a tinkle or a poopy.  I’m very good at telling him right away, but lots of times he already knows.  He’s so smart!  

My doodle gets happy when Daddy cuddles me sometimes.  He tells me he likes seeing them, my happy doodles, because he knows I’m feeling good.  He lets me go nakey at home after I’ve made my tinkles and poos.  Sometimes I still make a puddle, but he says it’s okay, he loves his carpet tinkler too.  

I like nakey because it feels so free and when my doodle is happy I can run over and show Daddy and he’ll let me crawl into his lap and rub it up against him until I make sticky pee.  It’s the best feeling in the world, making sticky pee while Daddy cuddles me close and I rest my head on his chest and listen to his heart and I smell his scent.  

I have to wear my diapee when strangers come over the house.  But when we have friends over Daddy lets me take my diapee off, so they can see how silly I am and how I get happy lots.  But when we go out I have to wear my diapee, so I don’t make a mess of other people’s houses or businesses.  Nakey’s okay at the beach, or the park, but definitely not at pub quiz!  

So I’m all dressed up for quiz.  Not like I used to be though.  Haha, that would be silly, a little boy dressed up like a grown-up.  I don’t get to drink naughty beer neither.  That’s for big grown-ups only.  And I can’t help with the answers cuz I don’t know nothing now.  But it’s fun seeing my old buddies.  They smile at me lots and rub my hair and tell me how helpful I am when I bring up the answer sheet.  

That’s my special job!  It’s very important, or we won’t get no points at all!  I don’t really know what points are, I don’t recognise any of the squiggles on the sheets I take, or on the TV screen.  It’s not cartoons, so I don’t even look really.  I take the sheets and then I go back and play with my truck on the floor.  I don’t have to sit in the seats.  I’m too squirmy and it’s boring.  Daddy will tell me when it’s time to take a sheet up.  

“Hey there Alex, good to, um, see you again.”  

I look up from my truck, trying to remember this big person’s name.  My silly head is too empty.  I know him, he was a friend.  But who?  Uh-oh, got my truck all wet cuz I tried to do lots of thinkies.  I'm not good at those anymore.

“It’s me, Dan.  You remember me?” he asked.  

Dan.  Yes!  I knew him.  

“Dan!” I echoed, nodding, feeling the drool dribble down my chest to my tummy now.  

“You doing okay here?” he asked.  

“Awex take seets up!” I tell him.  “Awex da wunner.”  

He nodded, though his eyes looked very sad.  He must not understand how important and big my job is.  

“Wun fast cuz no soos,” I tell him.  “Fwee feeties!”  

Dan just frowns though.  He doesn’t understand.  Big grown-ups can’t have bare feet, I remember that.  He doesn’t know they’re better.  But I want him to understand how big I am.  And just then, I realise something, and it’s perfect.  

“Done pee-pees in diapee,” I tell him, patting at my crotch.  

Dan shakes his head.  “Okay buddy, I’ll let Jo… I’ll let your, um, Daddy know you need a change.”  

“Imma big boy,” I try to clarify.  

“Yeah… sure you are sweetie.”  But then he leans in really close and whispers.  “I know this isn’t your fault.  I know they did… something to you.  And I promise, I’ll find out who it was and what they did.  I… I don’t think it’ll ever be possible to fix you buddy, you’re just way too far gone.  But I promise to at least get you some revenge.”   

So many big words.  It just left me confused.  But then he took my hand and led me back to the table, to let Daddy know I needed a change.  I like Daddy more than Dan, he’s got kinder hands and he doesn’t whisper tricky things in my ear. 

To be continued...