daydreamersavii - Tumblr blog

[daydreamersavii]

Love being told I have a useless degree. Just what I want to hear. I worked hard for three years to get my degree and it’s useless. I only babysit. I don’t take care of children and teach them to be the tiny humans they are.

[daydreamersavii]

Dear Yourself,

Why do you always have to cause problems. Why do you just like to make people mad. Why do you always have an attitude. Cause of your attitude you have no friends. Your boyfriend is on edge of leaving you. You keep fucking everything up. Do you not know how to be happy? Just deal that you aren’t going to have your way. Just deal if something was said and you didn’t like it. Just deal that your family and your boyfriends family doesn’t want to be near you. Your attitude makes people hate you. Even your family. Maybe you should back out now and live in a hole. Shit. Work probably doesn’t like you. You’re a piece of shit. You’re lucky your boyfriend is even with you for so long. You make him feel like shit on a regular. You have nothing. A home. A car. Shit, half the things you have you wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for your boyfriend. Your boyfriend would be so much better off without you. All you do is drag him down. One thing he loves, and you hate how much time he puts into it. He spends all his money on you. He gets a whole other car for you. And all you do is treat him like shit. You’re probably one of the worst girlfriends.

Who cares if all you do is schoool, work, sleep. Who cares about you. You have no friends at school. You have no friends at work. And you have no friends outside either. Nobody likes you. Shit half the people put up with you because of your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is liked by many. That’s the only reason why it feels like everyone likes you. They just put up with you.

Your a piece of shit. Who has a attitude problem so big no one can stop you. You push everyone away. You hold stupid grudges. You should stop acting like a child. It’s ridculous.

Now he is probably going to get mad that you posted this. But I guess it’s the only thing that you can do without anyone knowing.

Grow up. Maybe one day you won’t have an attitude. Maybe one day you will grow up. Till then, you’re just a childish bitch.

Sincerely,

Yourself.

[daydreamersavii]

Feeling ugly inside and out.

My hair is all the wrong color.

My face is breaking out.

I’m getting fat.

I’m to friendly.

Basically I’m a whore.

I have to much attitude.

I am a liar.

I feel like the list goes on. I feel like a terrible person when all I try to do it make people happy and do what I need to do to get through the day. Thought changing up my hair would make me feel prettier since I’m getting fatter. But no. He hates my hair, and he doesn’t have to say it because I can sense he hates it. I feel ugly and hideous without a full face of make up. I don’t even want to finish college. I have zero motivation to do it anymore. Oh, I am a liar. All i do is go to work and school. And somehow my set schedule of school always changes. Or I am not even at work but I chose to leave the house at 4:30am. I literally talk about everything that happened in my day. All the conversations I had. And it’s like nothing. I have zero friends. And that’s my fault. My one girl friend moved so far away it makes it hard to see her. And all these other girls are just.. ug! I can’t be friends with guys, not even his best friend because his girlfriend will get mad. All I have is my family. And I can’t talk to them about how I am feeling because I will just sound stupid. Can’t talk to him about how I am feeling because he will just say I’m talking crazy. It’s like All my feelings are invalid. All I want to do is sleep because then all these things in my head go away. I want to feel better about myself but at this point I just can’t. I feel like I have no stability. Like if I depend on everyone around me. And I want to be independent. I hate depending on people because all it does is turn on me. I don’t have a car. I don’t have a home. I don’t have a friend. I have my boyfriend. And that’s when I see him. Because now he works 40+ hours to pay for everything for me and then he does football now and sooner or later softball. Only time I could see him is at night after 10pm to 11pm but I need to be sleeping so I can go to work at 4am or 5am.

Just this sucks.

My life doesn’t suck.

Just this sucks.

I suck.

Everything about me sucks.

And it’s these insecurities that I have to live with. I try to be good looking so that he will still want me. But I don’t think I’m good enough to play that role. I’m not skinny enough anymore. And I don’t have the confidence to “rock” it.

And at this point I’m just complaining and crying. Because that’s all I can do. Can’t talk. Can’t scream. Can’t do anything but silently cry and the. Get the fuck over it. Because what I feel isn’t that important.

So that’s me.

[daydreamersavii]

Why does my opinion matter? Last week when we had a fight we just talked about what you were having issues with. Not me. You didnt even care to know. You didnt care to know that i feel like im losig you. That i feel like we dont spend any quality time together without someone else being there. And if we do have quality time i do one thing like look at my phone and its a crime. But you can scroll through facebook watching videos with no problem. Double standard. Also. Last week all i wanted to do was cuddle. And i thought i made that clear but no cuddling to you is fucking. So we did. And then the next day you want to fuck. So. We did. And so on. Its like we cant even lay down together without you getting bored and wanting to fuck. And you wonder why im not in the mood to do it anymore. Then this week. You know you hate it when i dont tell you things. Like who i am all with. But its perfectly fine for you to go arouns the fact of who you are hanging out with. Not inly that but if i even talk to another dude on any social media you flip shit. You flip shit if i text your best friend. But no its okay for you to message some bitch because she was in you clinton clan. Not only that but to call her. Its okay for you to do that. But i cant even talk or look at another dude without you being pissed and starting a fight. Double standard. Oh then i was talking to you and you wanted to end the call but i was still talking and you hung up on me. And i am just supoose to accept the fact that you didnt hear me. But you can never believe me that i didnt hear you. Double standard. Your so done with double standards but you do it all the time. You think that i am losing my love for you. No. I love you so god damn much. But instead of saying all this to you and starting a fight and it all being pushed back to me. I rather just shut my pipe and be in a bad mood. Thats the only thing i can do. But my feelings dont really matter if we start a fight. Its only how you feel. And any and all fights become my fault. Especially when you bring up the past. Which if i brought up this girl thats exactly what you would do. But im just going to be in a bad mood all mother fucking day because i have no one to even talk to. You dont want to text me because this morning because your still mad. My best friend is mad at me. Its like who do i have. Thats right no one. And im stuck in estacada. All by myself. Mine as well fall back asleep and forget about the day...

[daydreamersavii]

Not only do i think your hiding something from me, but i wanted to take a shower with you. But it was to early. I wanted to smoke with you, and then you waited till fucking midnight. Not only that but i wanted to have a little fun, and a game was more important. Just irritated. And i know exactly how tomorrow is going to go... shit.

[daydreamersavii]

Defiantly feels like you are hiding something from me...

[daydreamersavii]

Everything about me is a shit storm... i cant appreciate anything... i expect things when i shouldnt.. i have an attitude problem.... i say things when i shouldnt... just a piece of shit... who cares about me... all i am is a rude bitch... i will clean out his truck since im such a fucking slob.. i will put tags on his car because thats the least i owe him... and then he can keep the truck... and i will use my two feet... i dont deserve anything... i dont deserve to be happy on my birthday... the would doesnt cope to me... now its time to work my ass off, and pay 3000 dollars to fix my stupid car.. or shit. Just fucking scrape the shit... and stay on my feet, because i cant have a running car for more than 3 months... fuck my life... fuck me... im such a piece of shit...

[daydreamersavii]

Happy Birthday to me..

Feel like shit. Tonight turned to shit. Im a piece of shit. Everything is shit. Time to cry myself to sleep again... cried myself to sleep for my "nap" too... happy birthday to the biggest piece of shit...

[daydreamersavii]

To make he night better i have to put all my feelings in a deep hole and forget everything im feeling. Even if i feel worthless, unloved, crazy, left out, bitchy, shitty person, pretty much everything under the sun that is bad. Thats how i feel. I feel like im going to lose you at any second. You give up on trying to make me feel better because im a stubborn bitch... i freak out for fucking nothing... im just a piece of shot girlfriend who doesnt do anything for you and is fucking selfish... But its time to put all my feelings aside, keep them in a dark dark deep hole... and move on with the night. No bath. No shower. No backrub for my babe. No hike tomorrow. Just stay here and watch tv till noon when i have to go to class.... Savannah, just shut the fuck up and worry about yourself. Stop getting worked up. Dont yell at him. Dont be mad at him.. let him do his thing... stay in your place, the shadow... Goodnight Tumblr.

[daydreamersavii]

Yay... cry myself to sleep while you have your back on me... yay for a shitty night... savannah, you my friend are a piece of shit... 😢😢

[daydreamersavii]

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[daydreamersavii]

No longer comfortable in my own skin... no longer feel beautiful... no longer feel pretty... but you like me natural... so I guess I should just be okay with that... but I'm not... I hate what I see in the mirror... I want to try these new things, but you like me the way I am. Nothing else. Nothing less. I don't know what to do... I don't even like myself... I hate the way I talk to people... I hate the way I treat people... I hate the way I argue and bitch.. everyday I realize it... and also, a part of me wants to sit and cry because my one best friend, my sister, the one who was there for me through everything, doesn't even like me anymore... who am i... what am i... all I can see is bitch... all I can see is me ending up alone because I will push everyone else away... I hate myself...

[daydreamersavii]

What am I even worth... anymore it's nothing... work and school. What do I even deserve... as of right now it's nothing... where can I go... best friend? Yeah right. My house? No way. My only escape was him. And I have basically ruined that. Everything seem's to fall because I can't just appreciate what I have... I always have to start a fight... I always have to cause trouble... tried to look pretty for myself... doesn't work. I feel ugly... I don't even know why I did it... he is just going to tell me I was off fucking another dude... or I'm trying to impress another dude... even though it's me just wanting to feel pretty. It doesn't even work... I go to your house and get told "I guess we can't go anywhere fancy" because of how I was dressed. But shit. I just take everything to personal. I can't take a joke.. who am i. What am i. Piece of shit. That's all I see anymore. Worthless. No work for me... sick to my stomach... but I'm definitely not going home... maybe I will take a drive... oh yeah and I just go behind your back all the time.. that's how much of a piece of shit I am... everything this weekend is all because of me... why... why me... why this... why did I do this...

[daydreamersavii]

What a great Halloween....

Maybe I'm just not good enough anymore... I'm old news. Who cares about how I feel when you snap at me pultiple times or rip things from my hands... who cares if I already feel like I'm a waste of space... who cares that we haven't actually hung out today... you played video games, slpet, and then we got some food... that's it. But it's cool.... maybe I'm not good enough for you... maybe you need a girl who loves cars just like you... I mean every girl is hot when they drive one... I mean I made the stupid mistake of fixing my piece of crap... juse like my million other stupid mistakes... I'm just a child... your grown... maybe that's what is holding you back... maybe you need a girl who does smoke and drink and let's you do whatever you want... maybe I'm just not your girl anymore... my attitude is way out of control and you can't even handle it anymore... But I will do what I do best... keeping my mouth shut... you can do whatever you want... spend the whole day playing video games.... go spend some time with bennie, kiki, lili, anybody else you want... I'm not going to hold you back or say a word... I'm just going to go to school, work, then you if you have time for me.... Goodnight... Happy Halloween....

[daydreamersavii]

Idk what's wrong with me... I was fine till we went mini golfing... idk... maybe because I got zero attention when I was trying to give you a hug... or I was trying to tell you it was just a game and idk what you said after... but this night isn't what I expected. And I defiantly didn't like your comment at the football field. Everyone knowing your dick size might be cool and stuff. But I don't want people knowing my book sizes. And when you said that stupid comment it was super uncomfortable and embarrassing.. reason why I don't like you touching them in public... idk... guess today wasnot what I expected... watched you play video games... went to the dog park and was still ignored... went home and you slept, and watched TV or games... then mini golfing and I got zero attention. I think you gave Karina more attention than me... and I also think your maday at me... Idk why though... Idk if I did anythjng.... anyways, I was just trying to let you do whatever you want for your day off... and don't worry I will buy my shirt.... obviously it was kind of a problem when I said you were buying it... so I can... so... um yeah... I just don't want you to buy me anything anymore... just makes me feel bad... just spend your money on your, yourself. So yeah... I'm done with tonight... I probably won't see you tomorrow. Got lots of stuff to do tomorrow. Gotta go to verizon, spirit, and help sienna with a project. So... yeah... goodnight....

[daydreamersavii]

This lovely night before my Tattoo...

Nope... it's okay for you to do whatever the fuck you want all day and not tell me... and it's okay for you to spend my money and the 50 bucks you got today. Yup its okay for you to just go to bed without a phone call. And it's okay for you to have your friend sleep over when you didn't even tell me.... it's all okay for you to do because your Matt. It's okay for you to be double standards. And I can't say anything to you because your with your friend and you don't want to fight... so no matter what I can't speak my mind... end of story....

[daydreamersavii]

I'm so lost... I don't even know what's wrong anymore... I'm just this big fuck up... all I do is make my boyfriend upset... mine as well just have his friends as my friends. And that's it... maybe we won't fight... then I will move in with him... the scariest thing ever.... but maybe it will stop our fights... but we also said that about tanner.... and that didn't happen... maybe I am just meant to be alone forever... I mean no one can deal with me or my attitude.... just feeling alone... my boyfriend isn't there for me... because I'm just making him upset and pushing him away... he says he is so done with me... maybe that's the time to let him go... let him be free.... because I mean if they weren't meant to be yours they will come back.... but I know he would never come back... and I know if we even took a break so many girls would be all over him... I mean he isn't afraid to talk to girls... he isn't afraid to judge and rate them... and I'm over here like ignoring all guys... not even looking... to afraid to even look... to afraid to even be friends with guys... my family doesn't understand me and my relationship... and neither does my best friend understand me... I try to sit and talk to him but it's just pushed off... I cry and then he says you have no reason to cry.... but he will never know the giult I hold... the pain I feel every time I fuck up... the pain I feel every time I make him mad... he would never understand that.. he will never understand always being questioned... and then not always having the answers... I just hate being alive right now... and tomorrow is going to be just even worse... live day... and I'm fighting with him and crying my eyes out... and I shouldn't even be typing this in tumblr but I can't help how upset I am... how big of a fuck I am... truly... I hate me...