daydreamtoropova - Tumblr blog

[daydreamtoropova]

Claustrophobia

I might be claustrophobic.

Maybe not in the general sense though...

I feel claustrophobic because of the skin, muscles, organs, and everything that's covering me. I think that's why I always have that feeling to throw up, because I want to throw my physical self up away because I always feel claustrophobic.

I keep talking about wanting to throw up. I now have the answer to why.

I think that's a reason I am part of the queer community by being AroAce (because I physically can't stand the physicality of people, and myself), but being Fictoromantic/sexual (because I tend to like the mind and not the physicality). And why I am Xenogender/Genderless because I don't identify with human norms.

I realized I'm scared, no, absolutely TERRIFIED of humans, human norms, human constructs, EVERYTHING.

Also, I realized I had a God Complex. And technically? I'm not wrong. From my perspective, NOTHING exists. I have no proof! I have no proof other people have the same mental capabilities as me. I have no proof ANYTHING exists! It's all fake!

If I were to kill myself, none of you, NONE OF YOU WOULD EXIST.

I realized this is why I'm suicidal. I don't want to mentally destroy myself, no! I want to live forever in that sense! I want to create art and stories and keep on living. I want my myself to be immortalized.

But what fears me, what destroys my whole image, the thing I want to get rid of, is my physical self. I can't stand being trapped like this, feeling so many things that I don't want to. Emotions are chemicals in the brain produced by the physical self, and I try my best not to feel them.

I just feel... wrong.

I dealt with a lot of derealization, depersonalization, and maladaptive daydreaming problems. And I may just have found the reason why. Because I CAN'T STAND my physical self, so I end up leaving, feeling detached and better off in the mental world.

I don't think it's "normal" to be claustrophobic about engaging in basic human functions such as eating, drinking, sleeping, speaking, and everything else.

A lot of things have been explained as soon as I realized my claustrophobia of the real realm.

I just don't belong here, not like this at least.

And I don't know how my Autism plays into this but I KNOW something about all of this is related in SOME SORT of way.

I remember from a young age I felt this.

Why must I have existential crises, every second?

I want to throw up.

I want to bash my skull against a wall.

Everything feels so... wrong.

Something's not right.

I feel insane.

[daydreamtoropova]

Elle & The Pocket Belles - Get Down Tonight

If I have headphones, I sleep a lot in my car, and contemplating life so I sleep a lot on my back. But I also do on my side a lot. I also have weird poses like just scrunched and stuff so on my stomach. I tend to get pretty physical irl (especially when I'm having dreams) and I move around a lot. I do in fact sleepwalk (kinda, I sleepmove) and sleep talk AND HAVE FULL-ON CONVERSATIONS-

I used to do it, and now I rarely do, I usually sleep with my computer (but my mom says it's going to explode and kill me at night with the radiation waves messing me up idk) so she doesn't let me sleep with my computer. But I also usually use my pillow.

Urgh that's a hard one- I would say I prefer drawing more because it's less constraining and I have a more visual mind so it's easier for me to draw. But I enjoy both!

One or zero. I just have one thick one I sleep with. The summers are awful (like right now) or I don't feel like it and sleep without a blanket. I also sleep in clothes, jumpsuits, pajamas, and robes, so I guess I don't really need a blanket.

CARAVAN PALACE IS MY FAVORITE. Seriously their Electro-Swing is amazing and I wish to go to a concert of theirs one day.

August 12, 2011. (How do I forget my own birthday…)

YESSS BESTIE @iamunabletothinkofablogname THANKSIES (I'm developing my character for this plot AHAHAH-)

For some reason it didn't let me answer your ask :/

[daydreamtoropova]

shuffle your favorite playlist and post the first five songs that come up. then copy/paste this ask to your favorite mutuals <3

A thing

O-OH??? HI??? (DYING OVER HERE)

Let me see...

PiSk x Little Violet - Watch Your Tongue

Electric Swing Circus - EMPIRES

Caravan Palace - Comics

Caravan Palace - Mighty (feat. JFTH)

Will Wood - 2econd 2ight 2eer (that was fun, goodbye.)

The Playlist!

It's for my OC named Amper Kvyve so that's that.

How are you doing, Dread? We haven't interacted much but I'm glad to meet you! HDSHKJSHGKJHDSHKD-

[daydreamtoropova]

Hey guys... People of Tumblr...

You can send yourself Asks.

Maximum roleplay potential.

[daydreamtoropova]

REMEMBER ALASTOR'S MONICLE!

HE HAS A MONICLE!

I PERSONALLY FORGET THIS DETAIL A LOT OF THE TIMES I DRAW HIM, AND I SEE OTHER FORGET IT TOO

BUT HE HAS A MONICLE-

[daydreamtoropova]

why do i keep saying i want to bash my head against the skull

when i really mean i want to bash my skull against the wall

i wanna do that because i feel like i'm trash and wanna die

i wanna throw up and i have no idea why

[daydreamtoropova]

I woke up, and saw I had the twitter notification, and was like: "Holy shit..... No fucking way..."

YEAH, I WAS AT THE MOMENT HE REPLIED BC I STAYED UP WAY TOO LATE-

[daydreamtoropova]

No context

O-oh???

M'kay.

[daydreamtoropova]

OH MY FUCKING GOD IT HAPPENED!!!!!!!

YEAH IK IT'S CRAZY

I REPLIED TO HIM

[daydreamtoropova]

If you could look like any HH character and have their abilities, what'd you choose? I'd personally pick lucifer but thats because he can summon shit XD

You can also shapeshift!

But isn't it obvious?

ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?

ALASTOR!

I'M GOING TO COSPLAY ALASTOR, AND ALSO HE KILLED OTHER OVERLORDS. HE HAS ALL MY FAV POWERS.

[daydreamtoropova]

what about foods you dislike :3

I don't enjoy

Hard and Crunchy Things (I'm sensitive to that stuff)

Chewy Stuff (it takes so long for me to chew!)

Meat (I don't like beef and pork, and other meat (also poultry), it falls into the chewy category. I don't mind shishkabobs with meat on it and human flesh though)

Too Many Spices (like with meat I would wash it because the spices just mess me up for some reason. I like bland things a lot, or things meant for a single purpose with a single (or two) ingredients. Like spicy stuff by itself, sandwiches with one ingredient in them, etc.)

Too Many Ingredients (as said before. I don't mind if it's like cake with many ingredients in it because it's homogeneous but like salads and stuff, or soup (that's why I usually eat soup puree))

Sweet Things (ALASTOR! As said before I come from a diabetic line of family too and my insulin is kinda messed up)

And other stuff (as mentioned before, I can't mentioned ABSOLUTELY everything!)

[daydreamtoropova]

what foods do you like

I usually eat whatever. But here are some things I enjoy:

Spicy stuff (like spicy Cheetos)

Soft stuff (like soft cookies)

Flavorless (PAPER BE YUMMY)

Fish (like sardines and tuna)

Homemade Pasteries (GLUTTONY LET'S GOOO!)

Cheese Pizza (with no pizza sauce)

Seafood (I eat shrimps for lunch like almost every school day)

Sour Cream and Garlic (I dunno why but it's SO GOOD with shrimp and by itself)

Not Very Sweet Things (Alastor let's go (he also doesn't like sweet things), I also come from a diabetic family line so my insulin is messed up)

Russian Recipes (they're pretty good a lot of the times)

Sandwiches (usually with one ingredient in them but a couple I like the combinations)

And other stuff (I haven't mentioned a lot but you can't mention all foods in the world!)

[daydreamtoropova]

DO YOU LIKE CHEESE

Not very much...

I enjoy like Mac n' Cheese and Grilled Cheese and maybe a sandwich with cheese in it... But not cheese by itself.

My favorites are Colby Jack Cheese, Velveeta Cheese, String Cheese, and Swiss Cheese though!

I usually don't eat cheese (like once in a blue moon), but Mac n' Cheese I eat a lot (ruined my insides because I was eating it every day and I'm Lactose Intolerant, lol).

[daydreamtoropova]

IM NOT SURE IF I ASKED THIS, BAD MEMORY, BUT TOP 5 HAZBIN HOTEL CHARACTERS also do you like any helluva boss characters? What about characters u dislike

OOH~ Nah you haven't asked me this question!

Alastor (of course-)

Rosie (I WANT HER TO BE MY MOM)

Lucifer Morningstar (just a lil' duckling boi)

Niffty (she's uhm... Definitely something.)

Husk (ah yes, old depressed men)

Honorable mentions:

Vaggie (she reminds me of me when I was little)

Carmilla Carmine (I love her design with her big hands and her legs THICC)

Lute (she's a fun character)

Sir Precious (PRECIOUS BOI)

Zestial (when I heard how he speaks I was like "ROUXLS KAARD?" Also as you know I like old-ish characters like from 1920s and stuff)

Now onto the characters I hate.

Valentino (everything about him)

Vox (he's uhm... yeah no-)

Angel Dust ("And what do you do my effeminate fellow?" "I can suck ya' dick" "NO!")

Adam (he's a fun character but in principle, I don't like him)

Katie Killjoy ("I don't touch the gays")

I only watched about half of the first episode of Helluva Boss when I was like 7 to 9 years old and I clicked off because there was swearing in every sentence I didn't enjoy that (and I don't enjoy swearing that much, it seems childish). So I should better start watching it!

[daydreamtoropova]

A saw a meme that was like "I'd put him in the same room as a 9yo sephora kid to see what happens" ALSO HE'S SO GODAMN COOL WHAT EOUDOADIOJWDJW I WANT DEAR EARS >:[[[[[

I have deer ears, like 70 BUCKS because I got them from Switzerland and the shipping was $20.

Also, I don't know much about Sephora Kids, but I feel like he'll just kill them or smth.

"I haven't been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929! Hahaha- So many orphans."

[daydreamtoropova]

HELLOO im not sure if i should say "hello *again*" because im not sure if i said hello today but anyways

Hope you've been doing good lately, how are you?

I'VE BEEN DOIN GOOD HDGFHSDFGK

EDWARD BOSCO RESPONDED TO ME ON TWITTER

[daydreamtoropova]

Anything but doxxing ofc