dayxdayaly - Tumblr blog

[dayxdayaly]

When things are good, things are fucking good.. but when they’re bad, well the rain doesn’t just pour, it fucking becomes a storm. It’s been 4 months since I wrote that below and honestly no progress?? When I read whatever I wrote I feel like nothing has really changed.

[dayxdayaly]

July 16, 2020

Sometimes... most times I tell myself I'm fine. I tell myself that I am strong enough, smart enough, positive enough... whatever enough to get me through the day. How many times do you fake something until whatever you really are fades away? It's a weird realization knowing that I would rather be joyful, funny, energetic for everyone around me rather than being sad or honest with my true feelings. The feelings I suppress so deeply that I can hardly recognize them at times. I accepted recently that it's ok not to be okay.. that sometimes too much positivity can be toxic too. I go on with my days just trying to "get through it" or make the best of it when maybe I'm just doing whatever I can to make it as pleasant for me as possible. And I think that at this point, I've done it for too long and got too good at it, because it is really difficult for me to get in touch with myself and to feel vulnerable and just honest with my real desires. There's so many things I am sure/aware of... What I want in life, what I stand for, who I stand for, my strengths, my shortcomings. I have come a long way... But when it comes to being really present/there for myself, I can say that that area needs a lot of heart-work. My intolerances and inconsistencies have been bleeding into this relationship and so before I go into that same dark hole or negative/angry train of thought that I always go on, I am going to give this opening up/vulnerability thing a try. I owe it to you if not for us.

I was certain that you were IT back in 2018 after we found each other again that summer. You were so sweet, forgiving, and so vulnerable that all my anger/remorse for you (80% of why I cheated on you besides our failing communication) wore off and I felt true love for you again. And since then I've tried my best to be committed and really give our relationship whatever I had. And I know I really have. I do whatever I can for you and our relationship. But needless to say, the past few months have especially been hard because I can see/feel you getting shorter and angrier at me, and it's very discouraging. I don't want to, but when you're like that it brings back all the old trauma/bad memories and makes me want to regress into the "old me" (the very angry, impatient, verbally mean one) really makes me want to care less, only I know that it won't do us any good and so I just try my best to understand, and if I can't I just tolerate it

Well no my patience/ability to tolerate your anger/shortness is wearing thin and I don't really know what else to do. I hate getting into yelling matches. I hate storming off. I hate sleeping angry/upset. And with you being on bad terms/hating my dad and me making the commute to your place to spend time together for the past 7 months, my spirit and energy are really burning out. And I start doing things like telling you less because I want to avoid a fight. Or just making love because maybe if we have a real conversation we'll fight. And so now it's just foreign for me to feel vulnerable/open with you because I keep stressing out about you and how you feel you've "outgrown" this relationship/me. I mean for fuck's sake I haven't even been back from vacation a whole day and I'm stressed out already.

And I'm not trying to sound spoiled or ungrateful, because that isn't so. I'm very thankful and I know how lucky I must be to be shown the finer things in life. But I would rather have a good foundation of us just enjoying each other's company, or more like you enjoying mine, without all of the distractions. Simplicity over luxury. And if I'm being 100% honest it has really opened this door of you and your demands/expectations that you continuously remind me I don't make. Either because I can't or personally won't because it's not within me or I lose being true to myself in the process. I need to do/be who I am, and the desire/motivation to meet your demands/expectations should be something I initiate because I want to for you/us, rather than you telling me so - it makes me think your love is conditional and even makes me rebel out of anger/spite because why would you want to change me so much if you loved me for who I am? I won't know what to do anymore so I just take your shit until I can't anymore, and while I'm looking for way to try to understand you or hear you out better, you telling me I'm a bitch or that I'm a child or that "you're done with me" is distracting and overwhelming and makes me want to give up altogether because the fight just isn't worth it.

Are you still that sweet, forgiving, and vulnerable guy? There are times that I can still see myself with you forever. Getting married. Raising a family. Taking care of you. But when we fight now, it gets really bad and the shit you say is starting to really fuck with me and despite how good of a place we are at times, I still get confused and question many things. Would you blame me for not being confident in your love and respect for me?

I am just trying my luck at this honesty/vulnerability thing without feeling bad about the repercussions. I know it in my heart that you love me and want us to work out. But no matter how much I try to understand you, reason with you or just take different approaches I keep getting the same results or worse (your anger/impatience)... and trust me when I say you are getting more intimidating/unenjoyable to be around in those times (which is exactly why I left last night) and that doesn't help your cause if you really mean that all you want is to be understood.

I really want to work this out. I do. But I don't feel safe anymore. I don't feel "fine" about this any more. I feel like my every move/word choice gets picked apart. And I constantly feel like I am not enough. And if that is really the case then maybe I am just trying to force a square peg in a round hole.

[dayxdayaly]

11.28.18

It is okay to waver. To question yourself, especially when there is so much on the line. Your sanity. Your purpose. What your heart beats for. It is okay. Let these moments of weakness remind you why you have to be strong. Focus. Persevere. Keep on. And one day your weaknesses will behind you. But for now, embrace them while you can. You will be okay.

[dayxdayaly]

11.22

Sometimes you have to fall apart in order to become whole again. Because in the process of self repair you rediscover exactly what it is you are all about. Start with the foundation and the basics, and the rest just follows suit. The process seems so painful and ugly at the time, but the end result is just beautiful. Being under construction is a whole ‘nother kind of self love. Break down to rebuild something stronger, better.

[dayxdayaly]

5.30.2018

Yesterday was a good day. It was like I was finally taking a step in the right direction. I started telling more of my friends about the break up. I deleted all traces of him on my Facebook. And told my cousin about how the past 3 weeks have been for me, what I’ve been up to and what I realized. I spent some quality time with a couple of my girlfriends. I even ran in my old neighborhood. Last night I even had a heart to heart with one of my closest homegirls. It was so nice to get more perspective, especially with my stubborn ass.

Yesterday was a huge reality check for me. It made me see that life goes on. I try so hard not to be dramatic, but I don’t give a fuck right now. For many moments life didn’t seem to go on. Not without him. I missed him and what we had so much it hurt and i couldn’t get out of bed or do anything. I wallowed and cried and just longed for him to be there with me while I suffered alone. Even when I was with people I felt alone. This feels like one of the worst things I’ve ever had to go through. I take pride in to being strong and resilient against adversity and struggle, but a broken heart is just not like that. A broken heart is its own beast. Its own force to be reckoned with. And this entire month that force was winning.

Not anymore. I’m very far from being happy but I sure the hell am going to will it to existence. Im not going to be idle while my life goes on without me. I’m not going to wallow, I’m going to live. And I’m going to love myself. And I’m going to do all the things to heal myself and move on from this. I’ve got to. My future is waiting for me. The next big chapter is waiting for me, and I’m not about to linger. Steadfast. Unapologetic. The best version of myself is yet to come. I’m going to be my own best friend and lover. I’m going to make myself proud. I’m so much better than this. So so so much better. This life of sadness and dwelling is not for me. And while I’ve been accepting these emotions and making many realizations by letting myself get consumed in this breakup, I’m going to choose to fight for myself instead. I’ve had enough of this sad shit. I’m going to choose to smile and keep my head toward the light. Keep myself busy and fuck the noise. Mind my own damn business and build my own future and good fortune. This breakup took a lot of things away from me, and that’s okay. I wasn’t meant to keep those things and i enjoyed them while I could. I’m going to be okay, and now I have more room in my heart for love and possibilities. I’m gonna keep it moving and I’m going to be unapologetic about it. Have unwavering faith and find strength in the love that surrounds you.

[dayxdayaly]

Note to self, from self

5.22

Sometimes life just picks up the pace and decides to challenge you. You either back down, or you fight for what you want and your right to live freely and willfully. I’ve always been stubborn, so naturally I fight. 

[dayxdayaly]

Never more relevant than ever

5.31

Just a gentle reminder to myself that all good things take time. Mastering the art of patience will always be an uphill battle for me, but I think I am getting there slowly. The go-getter in me wants everything to be steadfast and relentless, so it is hard to let go of my old ways. With daily reflection and thoughts of what my intentions truly are, I believe that I am becoming a more patient person. All good things take time. There is a reason why everything unfolds as it should.

[dayxdayaly]

I’ve got my self love to anchor me while I explore the deep waters....

7.10

Being grounded has a whole new meaning to me. Clarity. Sense of self. Sense of being. I am strong. I am firm. I’ve got my love to anchor me while I explore the deep waters ⚓️

[dayxdayaly]

You were the sun my world revolved around -

Guiding me with your endless light.

Engulfing me with your source of warmth.

My hope throughout the darkest nights.

The one my soul was once bound:

You were the sun my world revolved around.

So alone and cold through an eclipse -

Blinded to the problems that exist -

When I tried to look right into your eyes,

And with the view obscured,

How could you see mine?

You were the sun my world revolved around.

Gravity pulls me to you while I’m feeling down.

Couldn’t help but just wander to you.

You were all that I saw and all that I knew.

I was thrown off with you not there -

So lonely, so broken, so scared.

You taught me that I was actually a star;

That I had light, that I had love.

You taught me that I was strong,

That I was enough, that I can be happy alone.

You were the warmest, greatest love.

My sweetest and kindest home.

You are indeed the sun.

Except I am not the world.

[dayxdayaly]

When you were gone I was covered in darkness

I missed the light of your love

And the warmth of your smile

And the joy of your presence

I missed the way you loved me

I missed the way you held me

I missed the way your voice would light up my soul

And how your touch soothed me and made all my problems nonexistent

Just for a moment I wish I were yours again

Just for a moment I wish we were meant to stay together

Just for a moment I wish I were the one

Just for a moment I wish I could return what you rightfully deserve

Jusy for a moment I wish so much to be there for you

We are lonely together and apart

And now we are both broken

I hope love and light come your way to heal you

And I hope you can still feel my love

Unending and unwavering

I hope you know how much I care for you

Because I did it the only way I knew how, and the best way that I could it at the time

[dayxdayaly]

5.23.18

Today was a better day. I definitely felt more determined to care for myself and just make the best out of the day. I’ve been really trying to just keep myself and my mind busy so that it doesn’t wander off to him. It always seems to though. It just can’t be helped. I worry about him and just want to know he’s okay or feels lonely. I worry because I know he’s not okay. He loved me. He truly loved me and cared for me in every way that he could. He really tried to make us work. He really really loved me and thought we would make it. Of course no one knows these things... what will happen in the end or not. I just feel terrible. I feel so bad. That I couldn’t return the same love and devotion to him. That I hurt him so badly. That I betrayed him in the worst way. I just feel so bad that it had to come to this before I stepped down and surrendered.

I am trying really hard to stay busy and occupied. I am really trying. This is going to be a slow process of going back and forth but I am completely on board. I just don’t want history to repeat itself. I want to be happy, but more importantly I want him to find happiness. To find peace. To find love. Even if it’s not with me. And that’s what saddens me the most, the idea of him loving someone as much as he loved me, if not more. The idea of him finding the love and happiness I wished so badly to have with someone else. I am definitely thinking way too far ahead because everything just happened. And despite how much that scares me and pains me, the fear of missing out and not following my heart is what scares me and pains me more. I just love him and miss him so much. So so so so so so so much.

I want so badly to be with him and to just spend time with him. He was my favorite person. And I was incredibly fond of him. I’m so lucky. I’m lucky to miss someone so much. I’m lucky for this love that I had in my life. Because what a great love it was in those moments.

I just really miss him. And that’s why this hurts so much. I hate not talking to him or not seeing him knowing that he’s going through such an ordeal because of me. But it’s not possible to heal someone you’ve broken, not the way I broke him. Not now. Right now I really just want to find my way back into his life. Of course after time and space. It sounds so crazy but I’m not denying my feelings anymore. I’m just going to express them as is, not suppress them because i believe they’re wrong or I’m trying to control myself. But I know that time and space is what’s best for the both of us right now. A lot of time and space to figure ourselves out and to come to terms with many things.

Of course I miss him. Of course. And of course I still love him. And of course I sound like a broken record. And I am aware that it’s completely normal to feel this way, after all it’s only been 2 days since we last seen or talked to each other. Sometimes 2 days feels like a flash, but these 2 days have felt like weeks. I’m trying to make small goals for myself. No social media. No putting down myself. No negativity. All love. All me. All truths. Just trying to keep my mind open and my heart full. Finding joy in what I can and doing all things with love. And honestly I’m just trying to tire myself out so that my mind doesn’t go crazy!!!

To help with that I’m adopting a new mindset: I’m on a soul vacation. I’m finding myself. I’m rebuilding myself. I healing myself. I’m doing what’s best for myself and future. I’m prioritizing myself and happiness! Practicing patience and kindness, and lots and lots of self love. Reminding myself why I did this in the first place. Reminding myself of my worth and how bright the future is, with its endless possibilities and numerous opportunities. Somehow happiness seems so far away, but in time and in faith, I will get there.

[dayxdayaly]

5.22.18

This is an attempt at trying to snap myself back into reality. I know this feeling all too well. This worry and anxiety. This pain. This sadness.

Maybe yesterday was the last time he and I would really see and talk to each other (not ever again, but maybe in a long time)? And while I could have accepted that last week, and was actually almost expecting it, why am I like this? Breaking up with him was what I wanted. And telling him the truth was what I wanted. But why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel so attached to him? This is the most I’ve longed for him in a long time. I don’t just miss him. He’s now missing from me, and I am flustered and confused and don’t know how to feel. He was my person, and now he needs to be his person. I need to be my own person right now too. It just seems really impossible right now. And course everything just happened, but I’ve never felt more broken. I am not fine. This is something I can’t just mask. I just miss him. I miss being with him. I miss his voice. I miss him annoying me and driving me crazy. I miss all the things we did together. I miss our sleepovers and random Wendy’s runs. I just miss him so much and why now when I’m all alone and scared of everything is not here.

[dayxdayaly]

5.21.18

This past weekend a lot has unfolded. And a lot is quite the understatement. We were together for 72 hours. 72 hours of talking, kissing, making love, more talking, sleeping, lots of crying, and also having our biological needs met (of course). 72 hours of just being together and enjoying each other’s company, but at the same time just being there for each other. I unleashed everything I was hiding. All the lies. The deceit. The betrayal. I finally did it. I told him because I just couldn’t deal with lying to him any more; for him to love this person that was actually a lie or a person that was just trying to please him and be the lover I thought he needed. I hurt him so bad. I just had to be there for him in those moments. Somehow those moments of his pain and me being there for him turned out to be very beautiful and cathartic. I saw him and he saw me. I had no reason to run or hide from him any more, and all the awful things I thought of him and feared in him went away. I realized so much about myself. My past. My relationships with the men in my life and why I avoid expressing myself or revealing my vulnerability and mistakes. Somewhere along the lines we stopped seeing each other. We stopped confiding each other. We stopped being vulnerable in front of each other. I had my role in it of course. I became closed off and quick to assume the worst. I put our relationship as one of the last of my priorities. I really checked out. And eventually I lost hope. Hope and faith in our relationship and love. I stopped trying to be myself, and then before I knew it I was someone else in that relationship, but myself around everyone else. 

So many things were realized. That was just about myself. I gave up on what I thought our relationship was, but after those 72 hours I see a glimmer of hope in our love. Of course nothing is guaranteed and there’s no way to know what will become of our future together, but I did see a potential for a great love again. 

I hurt him so bad. I can’t even relate. I can’t even fathom. But of course I hurt myself too. I have so much still to just mentally unpack and figure out. Why I did the things that I did, why I felt the way that I felt. Just everything. But of course I don’t want to get too ahead of myself. I just want to take it day by day. I am still on a quest to better myself, my life, and to create a positive impact in this world. I am still the same Alyana to the core. I am me. And I appreciate me. I can’t be angry at myself for what I’ve done, because I really don’t know why I did it. I can’t hate myself for what I’ve done, because I am all I have, and I have way too much to be grateful for in my life to waste it on such negativity. 

Today has been really hard. I really miss him. I miss his voice. I miss how we just get each other. How we don’t have to explain so much to each other. How we literally grew up together. He was my best friend, and he still is. He has been my other half for almost 9 years... And so with him not with me I just feel this emptiness and loneliness...

But I made this decision for myself. To fulfill my life myself. To be happy for myself. To rediscover myself. To rebuild myself. And I am going to see it through. This is what I need. And I know with time that the days become less hard, and I will be happy again. I know that believing in myself and staying true to myself will lead me to great things. This I know with everything in me. 

“To shine your brightest light is to be who you truly are.”

[dayxdayaly]

5.16

I just want to take a moment to be grateful for what I have. The life that I lead is truly amazing, and I am completely happy with myself and where my life is headed despite what is happening right now. I am a motivated, generous, and headstrong person, and no circumstance will ever change that. There are goals that must be met; and challenges that still need to be overcome!

Pain and heartache will only make me stronger and more appreciative for when the time comes that I am with the love of my life. It hurts me so much to have this person that was such a huge part of my life no longer with me. How do you let go of 9 years? Well I guess the answer is that you don’t. You take it with you. The good, the bad, the memories... you keep that person in your heart and remember what they taught you and honor how significant of a role they played in your life. I am lucky to have this pain and heartache because that meant that I was happy and loved and cared for, because I really was. It’s so hard to accept that this wonderful person is not meant for me, especially since I’ve been denying it all these years. So. Hard. But my decision to do what’s best for myself keeps me motivated. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe that this is all part of His miraculous plan for me.

[dayxdayaly]

5.8.18

After some time has passed and my feelings have settled, I’ve gone through with my decision to choose being happy. The decision to choose ME. To choose my own potential to live a fulfilling life. To be unapologetically myself. To be free. I don’t know how many signs there had to be until I could see that there wasn’t a bright future with him. I loved him too much and poured so much of myself and time into this relationship to give up. While I was away from him and given the time to express and be completely true to myself, I realized so many things. Things I looked over, just brushed under the rug. Things I’ve been denying. And to be behave the way that I did... It just spoke leagues about what obviously had to be done. To stop lying to my self, to him, to everyone else that I was “happy” and that a serious future with him was what I wanted. 

This is the best thing for me. For my sprit to embrace life to the fullest. For my heart that has so much to give. For my happiness. For M E, as I am, in my entirety. For so many years I’ve always written about how unhappy I was and how I wanted this to end. Years. For years I have not felt as though I was foolishly in love. For years I have not feared for my life that I would lose this man or the relationship we share. I don’t know when this flame in my heart burned out. I’ve been on idle, being the girlfriend I thought I should be and the supportive best friend I thought he needed... And not being myself. I’ve always felt as though I had to hold back. That I was too much. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with opening up to him, for exposing myself and being vulnerable in front him. For someone that loves to be wild, free and completely bare naked, I just couldn’t do that with him. There were times he’s been so good and endearing toward me that I would overlook the fact that he was condescending, judgmental, and just a person with negativity on a completely different page, nay BOOK, nay SECTION OF THE LIBRARY. We’ve drifted apart, and have been for some time that it became natural to function this way, and to accept that this was our love. The happy, bubbly and optimistic me would waver in the shadows when he would be near. I would be so comfortable spending time with him and not saying anything or expressing my self; in fact I avoided it. But who wants to be comfortable? To be content? To feel safe? When you could be so much more. Happiness. An epic love that I would drop my pride for. A love that would make me weak in the knees, and believe that such passion exists. Someone that would complete me, and be the half that inspires me to want to be BETTER. Someone I can’t keep away from. Someone worth it allllll. 

It’s not that this relationship was toxic or bad by any means. It is just not THE relationship or partnership I  KNOW I can have. For goodness sakes, I can’t remember how it even feels to be madly in love, and had almost given up on that concept! The unconditional love I have for him has allowed me to overlook the fact that he’s just not good for me. That he brings me down. That he fills me with negativity. That I have been compromising my wants and my needs for him. That I have been compromising myself for him.

I just wasn’t ready to admit these things. I wasn’t ready to give up. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to picture a future with him. I wanted to make it for the both of us. Call it being stubborn or hard headed, but I hung on to this love with all that I could.  It wasn’t until I came up for a little air that I realized I was actually drowning. 

[dayxdayaly]

Things I’ll miss

- Your embrace while we cuddle and nap together

- Staying in together and just doing absolutely nothing but play video games, watch anime/documentaries/movies and getting high together

- How much you say you love and care for me

- Your sweet and loving family

- How much you love it when I open up to you about my feelings

- Singing old rock songs and 80’s love ballads together

- How you let me get my way (most times)

- Being with you

- Loving you

- Being your best friend

- You being there for me

- How sweet and sensitive you are toward me

- You

[dayxdayaly]

Hurt me, again

- You ask me “are you eating again”? And say “I just want to be attracted to you” and so now I’m self conscious about my weight/appearance around you (but not by self)

- You say “I have a hard time seeing how you’re going to be a mom”

- You say things like “I can’t be with someone that does this _________” and it’s whatever I’m doing

- You bring up the nice things you do for me when we fight/bicker as leverage (paying for me, buying me a ring)

- You keep me away from your friends and family and are “uncomfortable” with me being close to them

- You still don’t post/share anything about me!!!

- You keep calling me a child and saying that I haven’t faced the harshness of reality yet; what is that even supposed to mean?

- You tell me I am spoiled as if you resent me for it, almost like you don’t want me to get all the things I’m given and work hard for

- Ever since we got back together, you have not spoken of getting married, making plans, and still don’t talk openly about moving forward together... all things too talked about when you were trying to get me back

- You keep telling me I’m mean and bossy, not in the joking way. Even though I’m not.

- you don’t let me eat whatever I want (chips) without having something negative to say to me about it

- You repress me; you are toxic to me; I am not someone I love or aspire to be when I am with you because I can’t even figure that out. I feel suffocated. I feel intimidated. I feel judged. I cannot be my whole entire self with you because of what you say and how you act in response. I don’t feel safe being true to myself with you. I don’t feel that being true to myself is welcomed by you.