ddxushi

[ddxushi]

You turned me into the person I begged you for 2 years not to turn me into.

[ddxushi]

Tonight, I’m Letting You Go (07/07/19)

2:47AM

Tonight is the night I dig a hole so deep and store every memory of you that has remained inside of me. The pages to our story have been torn and abused of incapability of keeping it restored. I guess this is it, I am finally closing this chapter and saying goodbye. This isn’t like me at all, to close an unfinished book, but something tells me that this is the right thing to do. I’m saying goodbye. I have tried for so long to let the thought of you escape from my mind, but I always seem to fail due to fear. Fear that one day I will regret walking away and never looking back. Afraid that I will never meet someone who will make me understand the saying, “it’s the little things that matter.”

But I guess this wasn’t it.

I blame the ocean and its waves for never uniting us the way they should have. I blame the trees for releasing all the oxygen in the world to inhale and leaving me out of breath. I blame the void and the lonely nights for giving me nothing, but misery. This is the end though, this is where I pull the anchor on my thoughts so that I am able to sail freely without feeling trapped on your vacant island.  

I keep chasing you in hopes that one day you will see me for all that I am worth. That someday you will come to your senses and realize that I was never the bad guy in the story. That behind all of my unforgettable traits, I’ve shown you an empty heart that yearns to be cared and loved for. I’m aching inside. Aching for someone who was never physically and emotionally mine since the beginning of time. I am setting someone free who was never kept hostage.

Tonight, I am saying goodbye. Not because I don’t love you enough or because I don’t have the strength to keep the both of us afloat, but because I have grown weary of hurting myself for you. I am more than the stars that appear on a dark night. I am more than a human being living in this lifeless world. I am more than the aches of this universe and I deserve the best.

Now I let you go and wait for the one that catches me during this fall. I just hope that you find your way and someone catches you for yours.

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Pretty Little Fears

He never let anyone know

The way he felt

When his fears crept up on him

Dragging him out of bed

And punching him to the ground

So often he hoped he could die

And end it all right then and there

But not a soul gave a damn

For even if he let it show

Nobody would think they were real

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Confined

An outline on a divider

A shadow at your feet

I can never escape

Affixed to you like the starving wild animal you made me

Feeding on the bone of attention that you throw me

Used to the torment

I remain a slave 

Dying in the shadows

[d.d] 

[ddxushi]

Fourth of July

It feels like Fourth of July

When two are exchanging the feeling of happiness

Letting the adrenaline fill their bodies

As the midnight sky roars and bleeds of color

Seizing the moment

When will they stop to think

What happens when the bright sky starts to fade?

What happens when the sparks disappear

And darkness fills the air again?

It feels like Fourth of July

When two are exchanging the feeling of happiness

And their lungs fill with the same black smoke that chokes them

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

In Love

I am in love with a man, a ghost or maybe even an angel with broken wings. I’m in love with the sound that slips off his tongue whenever he speaks. I am in love with all the ticks and twitches and anxiety that fills him when he is in rage. I grasp onto every moment and preserve him in poems and pictures, but his soul bears the weight of every pull and inhale of every cigarette he lights. 

My lonely ghost, my broken angel; he hides behind closed curtains and locked doors. I am getting weary and I can no longer keep looking for him. It seems nearly impossible. He lets no one get close and I know it is because he is terrified of getting hurt.

These four walls he traps himself into seem to be getting smaller by the day, but he is persuaded that it is better to be alone with his heavy thoughts and clouded judgement. He doesn’t know though, that the weight grows. No one is built to hold the heavy weight that fills his unsparing heart, fear and sad poetry like he does. I hope that one day he tries to open the curtains and watch the sunrise because the sky is purple today and he is blue. 

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

His Favorite

I enter the dimmed room where the bottle of alcohol and pack of cigarettes have been waiting for my arrival, my name written all over them. I walk over to my bedside table and pour myself a cup. I remove my leather jacket and drop it on my wooden floors. Taking out my phone to play a song, Reason by Spooky Black, I continue to remove the rest of my clothing and leave myself in only a pair of nude panties and a thin white tee.  A shirt so thin you could see the hardness of my nipples poking out. I sit on the side of the bed, light up a cigarette and lay back. I take a pull allowing the toxicity to enter through my mouth, as it travels through my trachea, straight to my lungs. I bring the cigarette above me and sway it around, watching as the smoke trails behind. I exhale.

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Uncertainty

I wish people like you came with some sort of red flag or warning sign. Something to let me know whether or not you’re capable of loving me and leaving me in a heartbeat. Whether or not you’ll fix me just to break me. If your fire will singe my skin or if it’ll recuperate it with its glow. I’ve been spared and executed by this thing called ‘love,’ and I can no longer tell the difference between the two. I want to cherish you, but I am uncertain if it will destroy me. 

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Unrequited Love

I pray every night

You love me

While I still love you 

Before you start loving someone

Who will never 

Love you back

 [d.d]

[ddxushi]

Talk To Me

You said that you would write back if I wrote you, but we’re one too many letters in and I’m still waiting. 

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Paint Me

Imagine I am a blank canvas. What colors will you expose? Will you use red, the color of hostility? Or will you use blue, the color of sorrow? Maybe a tone of green and a little black, too. You awaken me with the power of color and I ooze of a shade never before seen. This is me in my truest form, a color so cool yet so warm. 

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

By The Shore

I skim a flat stone across the water, watching it bounce off the surfaces. I watch it as it leaves behind thinning lines across the shore; interrupting the currents and rhythm of waves. I think of you as I play these stones like I would the piano and wonder how far you would go until you finally let yourself sink to the bottom.

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Cobra

You wrap your body around mine

Having your way down my throat

All while destroying 33 of my backbones

I sense the rage in you

As you fill my veins

With the deadliest toxic substance

Sweet bitter love

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Departure

You told me to move on today. I know I need to let you go. In fact, I’m beginning to hate myself for not doing so already. But can you blame me? Your name is the only thing that happens to slip off my tongue and those around me have grown tired of constantly vocalizing you. Don’t you worry, though. I won’t speak your name into existence. I won’t give it power. My mind is so tired of you running through it. I keep trying to distract myself, doing anything I can to push you out of my head, just for a little while.  You’ve consumed me mentally and now you’ve consumed me physically. I still feel your touch on my skin, tracing from my neck to my lower back. It was as if a light had switched on and I never wanted to be in the dark again. I made sure to hold you close so I wouldn’t lose you. I made sure to keep my eyes on you so I can photograph every moment with you in my head. I made sure everything was right. Though, none of that seemed to be enough for you to stay. You had planned your departure and I had to make sure I didn’t find myself getting on the next flight, following you.

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Bitter Sweet

Whatever you do, restrain yourself from falling in love. Restrain yourself from falling in love with someone like me. Protect yourself for I will create memories that will stain your mind and soul for eternity. I will take you around every turn, every corner and every block just to kiss you in every place so that you can never go back without the thought of me lingering. You’ll remember nothing but the feeling you felt as I grabbed onto your face as my lips pressed onto yours ever so softly. You’ll remember nothing, but the taste of me like warm blood in your mouth – so bitter, but yet so sweet. I will create inerasable moments that will tear you apart the second I slip away from your long, thin fingertips. All because I am afraid that one day I will brainwash myself into falling in love again and I am not ready for another heartbreak.

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Street Signs

Stop: Don’t you dare pass that sign without coming to a halt to look both ways before starting to move forward again. There’s no sign of danger, presently you may proceed.

Do Not Enter: Try not to awake the inner rebel in you and enter where you are prohibited.

No U-turn: There’s no point in turning this thing back around, keep on moving forward. Try not to stress, there are different approaches to fix those mistakes without thinking back.

The signs are clear for you so I only hope you proceed with caution and keep in mind to always follow the speed limit. Remember that there is no estimated time arrival.

[d.d]

[ddxushi]

Out of Order

How is it that something that was completely functioning just a few hours ago be out of order? Who decided that it was okay to abuse their privileges until they didn’t have any anymore?

[d.d]