de-profundis-ad-astra - Tumblr blog

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

Dad!Ben vibes

https://www.reddit.com/r/KidsAreFuckingStupid/s/oAj3cw2zcy

The Annual Great Nerf War in the Miller household is not something to even be remotely fucked with. It doesn't have a set date that it always falls on like Christmas or Valentine's Day. The only person privy to that information is Ben, and Ben alone.

That is to say: Ben picks a random Saturday out of the year and decides that when shit's going down. Usually it's decided right when he wakes up the day of.

There are no allies. There are no teams.

There is only prey.

The kids wake up, see the array of weapons and age-appropriate tactical gear laid out on the floor, and know the day is upon them. There's a note laid delicately atop one of the vests and it only contains one word:

Survive.

They've been trained well for this day. Have been practicing when Ben's not home to perfect their strategies and their formations. They dress themselves, arm themselves to the teeth, and listen to make sure no one is moving out in the hallway before making their move. They file out of the bedroom in formation with such precision and efficiency that would make Will tear up.

They pause at the door, listen, and find silence.

The door swings open on well-oiled hinges, revealing the sleeping form of their father tucked comfortably under the blankets, his head nestled into the pillow. Perfect.

Little do they know that Ben has swiped the nanny cam out of one of their bedrooms, and he's positioned it on the dresser so he can watch their advance from where he's hidden himself in the restroom on his phone. And so he waits. And waits.

As the eldest peels the blankets back, the younger two standing with weapons poised to fire. The youngest takes a preemptive shot that harmlessly bounces off the mound of blankets piled there.

They're still pondering the disguise when the bathroom door behind them opens, and Ben appears. In full gear, Nerf rifle in hand.

Chaotic Ben Anon, I wish I could say those kids stood a chance.

We all know the battle was over before it even begun.

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

Rewording the texts mid delivery with no clarification or acknowledgment to add to the chaos unintentionally. It’s a puzzle to figure out what he was trying to say to begin with

Random punctuation marks completely separate from the messages he's sending. Question marks where there should be exclamation points. Exclamation points where there should be question marks. What's Ben trying to say? Some say not even Ben knows

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

Just to stay on brand

How you top this

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

To build suspense

I cannot wait to see

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

In various segments

You at your best

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

On sending texts

This is truly

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

Ben is chaotic. Ben insists on putting

Anon

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

ARE YOU BACK?! I MISS SEEING YOUR CHAOTIC BEN POSTINGS 😅💕😭 IF YOURE NOT ITS OKKKKKKKKKK I LOVE YOU STAY SAFE 💕

IM ALWAYS LURKING.

Lmaoooooo as much as I would love to be back and be more active with fanfic, I neither have the time or the energy to have any creative projects outside of my current WIP (novel) 🫣

Chaotic Ben anon is still lurking as well though and that shits always welcome. I will always make chaotic anon posts

I LOVE YOU TOO HOPE YOURE WELL

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

Ben is chaotic. Ben will take his plants on little “adventures” (i.e. he puts them in a wagon and takes a walk - especially when it rains and yes the cactus has its own mini umbrella what kind of father do you think he is?) just to stay on brand (he also sings to them)

CHAOTIC BEN ANON PLS FORGIVE ME I SAW THIS AND THEN FORGOT TO RESPOND BECAUSE I WAS SO BUSY I STILL LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU I AM SO SORRY

Ben also owns one of those hats with containers for beer that you see at like football games and shit but modifies them to carry his little plants so he can carry them around and keep his hands free (for more plants obviously who do you think he is?)

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

DAMN OKAY SIR

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

wish that was me

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

can someone fucking linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. can someone fucking forget their scarf in my life & come back later for it. please

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

Ben is chaotic. Ben will sit patiently and let his nieces paint his nails and do his hair and make up the proceed to wear the look for the rest of the day regardless of activities just to stay on brand (and also because he is a supportive uncle ofc)

In addition, I will die on the hill that Benjamin Miller is a chaotic plant dad (yes the plants all have individual names and yes they are slowly taking over the small apartment and yes they are the reason Ben will randomly rearrange the furniture to give them the best light or whatever)

You KNOW Ben shows up at the family outing with his nails each a different color and his hair done up in dozens of tiny braids weaved with beads and ribbons instead of the signature baseball cap and he does not give a single fuck about it

Every time you show up at Ben’s place he’s completely redone the layout of his furniture. There have been times where you show up twice in the same day and his living room has a completely different layout each time. He takes entire days off of work to make sure those plants get the best care

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

[de-profundis-ad-astra]

Reminder, this is a trans inclusive blog and if you disagree with that, please fucking leave and drown in a fucking ditch