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Never Trust

She was the saddest person I ever saw. The worst of it was that she tried to act so happy, she tried to be so content in her situation. She was in love, he treated her badly, she had a good job, that she hated. We became friends through friends, and I saw through her pitiful facade so quickly. So as we got closer we sat down, and I told her the words she needed to desperately to hear. That she could do whatever she wanted, that she should be happy, and do what makes her happy. That she should leave whoever makes her unhappy.

If only I had known they would end up being the dagger in my own happiness. 

I won't say that I didn't have some part in it. I should have reinforced the wall we built, the friendship. I went against my better judgement and let it fall apart, brick by brick until I was blinded by the dust settling. I assumed it was all fine. 

For a year she was slowly letting anger build up in place of our relationship. And unlike the first time this was a better act. We talked on the phone, we made plans, we took her out to dinner let her know our plans. The entire time she was stealing, taking our knowledge, taking our hard earned money. And even though I don't think she realized she was doing it, she was taking away our happiness, our families future. 

Now I can say I hate someone more than anyone. More than any ex-boyfriend or mean girl. No knife has been buried in my back nearly as deep. There is only one person I may hate more, the bitch who convinced her to do it. 

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Square

I remember the day you left, I felt sick for weeks. I was heartbroken, but that isn't what caused it, the heartache was nothing compared to the anger. It was steaming, I would actually feel my blood start to stir until boiling and then it was too late. This rage would have the same effect as morphine except coupled with my thirst for retrubiton there was no high, just a tingling in my limbs and a static to my brain that was dangerous. I couldn't eat because of it, I remembered how awful you were and the more and more I learned after it was all over worsened this ailment. I grew hotter and hotter until one night I tore my clothes off and jumped into my freezing swimming pool. It was there, at the bottom, looking up at the sky through the crushing gallons of water that I finally felt cool. I never wanted to go back up, there it was loud. It was the first time I felt a real embrace since your arms. I stayed until my lungs started to burn and there was no breath in me. Finally I pushed against the bottom and floated up. I was never mad at you, I had hated you for so long you leaving didn't change. All the rage was mine, I should never have stayed. Now, we would never be even. I still thirst for it.

[deactivated-tlc]

Memories of you remain. I haven’t left them anywhere; not by choice.

The memories of you remain in places I am still finding every day. Some of these rest under my pillow and others in books, I haven’t yet read.

I do not search for you, but I find you. At times, during the day when I seek to...

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“We writers shouldn’t tell anyone. We should conduct our profession in private, in secret.”

Imre Kertész (via theparisreview)

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I was in that place again...

The house, it was like mine, but I found a door in a closet that opened a hallway. Then it turned into something like a video game each of the doors opened up to somewhere else a level but the aim was usually unknown.

Sometimes I would be looking for something, or racing to a save point before the monster rips me in half. Every once in a while I would be a part of a team but mostly I was alone. I needed to keep going though to open the last door at the end of the hallway even though I knew it would just take me further into the unknown and lead to more terrors and challenges.

Every once in a while I would race back home, slam the door shut and wait, trying to steady my nerves, that's the point I would wake up and turn over but it wasn’t a dream I could leave so easily I needed to know what happened, so I would always drift back to the closet and the door.

A memory that I couldn’t remember came back to me, you and I and him sitting at a table. You said to come find you, and he vanished as if he was never there. That was the challenge, but which door was it, how far into the endless abyss? I knew I had the answer somewhere but it slipped through my fingers like the key I needed to keep on.

As I continued to change personas and solve puzzle I was getting closer. I wanted  you, but for what I had no idea. To kiss you? To slap you? Or maybe to sit down and talk like we once did, for the first time with no anger. I think it was you doing the same thing you always did, bait me into a challenge because you knew that I wouldn’t turn it down and wait for me to chase you, like you always chased me.

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Not With You

It happens to some people on accident Falling in love. They meet someone, share some smiles and realize they are head over heels.

I’ve never done that

With eyes like a hawk I see my prey and swoop down, knowing exactly what to do, exactly how to make them trip into a pool of me. I become their oxygen and then decide if they are who I want to love in return.

Probably not the kindest strategy, but by far the most effective.

When I saw you I knew, that I would do anything to make you fall. Patient and sly I waited knowing that you wouldn’t be an easy hunt. Circle after circle, watching as you struggled, being there when you needed me, but not always when you wanted me. I stayed just out of reach because you wanted a challenge.

Just like I knew you would, you said you loved me when I was far away.

The difference between you and the others I was drowning all along.

[deactivated-tlc]

Rummy and beer, in a bikini. 

Next to a swimming pool. 

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Conquest

I want war— ferocity at each point she meets me— ripping, tearing, terror stricken wanton duplicity— a biting scratching battle waged with her across my knee.

Oh, god, what might be more wickedly divine— to feel her lines breaking as I take all that is mine.

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That moment

The most painful moment, even more than all the needles and drugs and nausea. It took every ounce of my near endless courage to tell you I hated her. To tell you that she was the one person I wanted you to keep your distance. And not even one hour later you were texting, coaching her in how to deal with body image. I was right there,and you didn't even notice my invisible tears, or you didn't care. That was it, I wouldn't do it again. Not ever.

[deactivated-tlc]

off-kilter

I feel just barely off not quite able to meet my mark. Something isn’t firing right Possibly overheating.

No amount of black coffee or iced water Can clear my head.

I need to be corrected, calibrated, fixed, and then reset.

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serenading the metaphysicist

i asked her what she thought about a parallel universe wherein gravity was just a vaguely disappointing concept; and each little atom contained its own little world so that one life was not worth just one but millions, billions; and all of the infinite,  eternal strings of life that weave tapestries of boys and girls and suns and stars and seas glowed on the solar eclipse to remind us how alone we’ll never be

she frowns as she listens, and the skin over her forehead crumples, in delicate doubt. she has a heart like a dying star, that burns on, a million miles from home; but her mind is like a nebula, i can see the supernovas shining in her eyes.

when she smiles, it’s a victory like standing on the moon in the sad and lovely light of intrepid mother earth; and she tells me that my parallel world is “impossible, but nice to think about.”

when i take her hand,  it’s the birth of the universe, and every universe before or since; but when we kiss, it’s the constellations at night and all of the vast and soaring space that fills up the emptiness in between.

[deactivated-tlc]

Pathetic

I wonder if the poison was always there, or if you inflicted it on yourself.

Is it the rejection, living in a place with high expectations and not being able to meet any of them?

Who gave you the high horse you sit on, or did you build it like the Greeks Too bad it doesn't fool anyone. Your negativity may be armor, but all it does is show everyone your endless weaknesses.

Preaching that all we need is knowledge yet being completely unable to find answers.

Judging everyone as less behind their backs, because then they can not attack.

I see through you, to me you are nothing

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We must be related

I know I should call you. You're probably waiting for your phone to ring. Honestly I don't mean to be spiteful I would rather do other things, sit on my couch and read, cook dinner, walk the dog. I have other things to do aside from call you on your birthday. I didn't even know it was today until my mom reminded me. It's not because all of those years I waited for your call,and it never came. Maybe you just had other things you'd rather do.

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They

They told me, I heard. 

They say that the government is against us.  They put shows on to scare us.  They warn us.  They watch us. 

It must work, their maniacal plans.

They don’t love us, they want to wipe us out.

Who are they? Is it the government, or the youtubers who shout and spit and warn us about them over and over?

Is it anonymous or the other countries, the banks or just each other.

 So much misinformation it drives me crazy. 

I just want to live and not worry.

The world will end one day, if not for all of us, then just for me. 

[deactivated-tlc]

I'd rather be heartless than a nobodie.

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I’m a writer who isn’t a writer. I don’t relate with artists or sensitives, I don’t write to bleed my feelings onto a page. I write to serve as a reminder, of some kind of emotion so I can recall it at a later date. Even then, it is like reading someone else.

I am a creature of almost total...

[deactivated-tlc]

tetris game (LXXVIII)

bricks of all shapes and colors intense terminal velocities i try to accommodate them as they fall matching topologies salients on crevasses avoiding blistering spaces that eventually fill my life of absences and voids delightful sorrows as pearls from gaugin’s banishment thread in crimson ribbon

13.0.1.9.5