deadass-pool

[deadass-pool]

january 14, 2025

hello, it's been so long since i updated this blog.

i took a sick leave today at my job, i could feel myself burning out and going insane from all the work i've been doing since the holidays and i knew i need a break. the pay is good though, so i dont really mind it at all. i just feel guilty with skipping work to put my mental being first.

well, where do i start? alot has changed. i've read my past entries and giggled at some dramatic entries i've written when i was 17 and also felt sad with how i was always anxious over my dad's health.

speaking of those, i would like to update my 0 followers about my life. as of now, i am currently in bed, lying down on a smooth, a bit silky red blanket getting all comfy and trying to recount my memories.

3 days ago, i was at our gig and our set was so fucking good. it was the day before my dad's birthday and i knew the moment i saw the crowd getting bigger in front of us, dancing and moshing and screaming the lyrics of our songs, i knew my dad would be proud.

i never really expected and realized that my band isn't that small anymore. it's crazy how it used to be just friends screaming lyrics and now people are recognizing us and there are times where people would ask to take a picture with us ITS INSANE!!!! and did you know there was a moment when i entered a mini mart with my boyfriend to buy ice cream and a kid screamed and started recording me? HUH

anyways, we are not THAT big yet, but i do believe in us. given the amount of love and support we get from friends and family and surprisingly, fans !!! i do believe we are on the way

when i was heading home from a gig last saturday, the designated joyride rider joked "rakers ka pala ah" to me and i just laughed a bit.

and as i ride home at the back of the motorcycle, midnight air hitting my face, with the sounds of vehicles and down we go to the highway, i thought of my dad.

i sometimes think how it would be like if he was still alive, would he watch our shows? would he wait for me at home and tell me how our set went? would he tell me that he's proud of me?

i can't stop thinking what he would think and feel when he see me today. i am in a band with a growing success and alot of support and all these achievements that i made as an artist are all dedicated to him.

i miss him alot, i wish i was able to tell him that he is the reason why i am here today.

if i ever have the chance to talk to him, i'd thank him. and i'd tell him that i never really have gotten over my childhood dream of being a rockstar. i am here now.

and if i have the chance to tell my younger self too, most especially based on the past events i have written about on here; it's worth the wait.

it really is worth the wait.

sincerely,

me

[deadass-pool]

june 1, 2024

i thought about an old friend today.

it was past 2 am and i was on call with my boyfriend, told him a silly little story from my teenage years and i ended up on a forgotten friend's website.

she's a social media manager now, had some experiences here and there. she lost weight, her hair changed, her face got even prettier. she looked different from before i met her when i was 14.

it's crazy how i don' t have any communication with her anymore.

the last time i tried to reach out was in new year's, wishing her the best and apologizing for suddenly cutting her off. our friendship made me feel anxious and it felt like she never really wanted to be my friend in the first place. but memories were made and we went through so much together. it's still awkward to get questions about her from my former high school and college friends. our bond was that tight that our identities always had to morph with one another in other people's eyes.

falling out with your old friends that you thought will always be there really hurts. i still grieve a lot for our friendship that i could never return to.

yet, i'm still so proud of her that she's finally doing her own thing. she never knew what she wanted to do and it's nice that she's pursuing a career that i kind of knew she would end up in.

we grew apart and we grew by ourselves.

we have live different lives now. we now have different worlds.

i don't know where she is right now and i don't know what else she could be doing but i know she's growing and she's making changes with herself and her life.

and so am i, who's now in contact with the artists that we used to listen together, being recognized as a musician and a creator in the scene.

i think it was for the best.

but i really do miss her.

sincerely,

me

[deadass-pool]

may 2, 2024

alot has happened these few months. i left my job when i was on the verge of killing myself and got a new one. i am a month in this new job that i have and god knows i am a ball of anxiety right now.

my nicotine addiction has gotten worse, it's the only way i cope with my anxiety and stress, and maybe the suicidal thoughts that comes in alot especially in times of crisis.

this person who was my first time and was sleeping with for a year confessed his feelings for me. it was such a bad time on my end, given that he only did that the moment when i told him i'm ending things between us because i'm looking for emotional intimacy now. something beyond more physical and it was a mess for a month on my end. it was a long story. he had a chance, i liked him but he was still confusing, with his intentions and what he wanted and i couldn't have that. he's my co worker now. crazy, i know.

i have a boyfriend now, he's the best. we've been dating for a month but i knew him for longer than that before. it was an on and off communication between us, playing between our fears and wrongs and whatever was that. it was a mess that turned out to be a silly little inside joke among me and my band.

speaking of my band, we are finally releasing a single on this month. may 11. it's the song our vocalist wrote when she was 19. it's the song that i knew about before i properly met her. we have an upcoming single launch gig. our name in the scene is a fresh one and we are continuously gaining new supporters each time. we've come so far and we still have a long way to go.

my new job is making me anxious. it's an easy one but it takes alot for me who may possibly lack the skill of being a detailed oriented person. it's a well paid job and i'm trying so hard to learn more because for the first time in my life, i value this job and i don't want to lose it. at all.

my grandma from my mother's side died and it's the first time i ever encountered grief in a normal way. it felt light to me. as if there's already an acceptance because she lived a long life and saw everything she needed to see. may god rest her soul in peace.

i am still me. just worse. i dont know what's waiting for me out there. being in my 20's is a hell of a ride. i still have a long way to go. i don't know where but i hope i'm happy where i would end up. i hope that i am going to be okay. maybe not now where all i could ever think about is work 24/7 and worry in fear that i might lose it so easily. but i truly hope that i become okay and that right now all i need is a stable position in this job and that i get to do my job well. and get paid as well. it's all i could ever think about. my job. just like every young adult would think about.

and even when alot of things has happened already, i still hope that i'm going to be okay.

sincerely,

me

[deadass-pool]

january 20, 2024

i think i've come to my senses, and how i finally understood everything.

no one really knows me. no one knows who i am and that's totally insane to think about.

which makes sense because i've always been perceived, always lived by the expectations without my knowledge, without me realizing that i'm feeding into their egos by serving what they think they're getting from me. by being so predictable accordingly to their judgment because why do i feel hurt? why do i feel anxious? why do i feel nothing when they say they love me?

i feel like i've been holding myself back, or i wasn't really holding myself back. it felt more like, i've been showing people who i really am but they never really understood neither looked at me at all. they still fit me into this category of their perception towards me and all of that i showed doesn't really matter. it's just a nitpick of personalities and interests and i can never get out of that label that put on me.

i realized as well that is out of my control. and that though this feelings of hurt is valid, i must learn to let it go. just let it go. it's not that deep and it's not their life to live. it's still mine and that is just proof that they truly don't know me at all.

sincerely,

me

[deadass-pool]

january 1, 2024 - new year

life is still weird... in an amusing way.

2023 was insane, it was my year. im living my childhood dreams, i am PLAYING and MAKING MUSIC with the people i love and each gigs we gain new supporters. it’s crazy to think that i am here now yet i have a lot to do.

this is an achievement for me, to even be alive. i’ve been in a depressive episode, it has gotten worse because my rocky relationship with my mom and my job always felt like im on the verge of losing it, i was close to ending my life, writing notes here and there.

but i’m glad that i’m alive, i am here. i realized that when i was watching the fireworks and was mesmerized, i was also very drunk but i felt like crying during that time.

i lost friends, the ones that were very close to my heart, i loved someone who i can’t be with, i kissed too many lips and i also laughed with my friends.

alot has happened this year, even my look kept on changing the entire year, and it felt like i’m looking at a different person each time.

i hope 2024 becomes our year, especially for me in music.

let’s see where it goes.

sincerely,

me

[deadass-pool]

october 22, 2023 - hi

life is weird.

in a way that i just realized that this time around last year i was with Gab and i was watching Loona for the first time with him and other Ppop and Kpop acts. I was hung over some dude, because he hasn't replied to me the entire day.

AND I ALSO REMEMBERED, craziest part, is that when i was with Gab waiting for the show to start, he mentioned about knowing who Kuki is and that we both just know her as the cool girl who dress well on instagram.

CRAZIER PART, i am now in a band with Kuki, the same fucking day and I am literally typing this as I upload our pictures on our drive because I'm still not THAT tired yet.

I don't have any words about this, but I truly believe I am meant to make music with the coolest people I know. And seeing that I am literally just connecting with the people who have always been around where it is sometimes frustrating because it would make me think "why haven't I met this person before?" but it is real when they said time will truly tell.

I mentioned before that I have a band now, i think, in my past blog entries. Alot has happened, lost alot of friends especially the ones who I thought would stick around in the end, I know it's my fault at my end too, but some of us just do get tired of reaching out. I will be telling that story in the next few entries but for now, I would like to tell you that life was weird in a good way for me.

Artists that I've been listening to are slowly acknowledging us, as the band. It's weird how these are just the cool guys that you used to follow on the internet when you were in college because you thought they were cool and you were merely just known as an "enjoyer" and a chronic shitposter with a soundcloud account.

We were being invited to numerous gigs left and right and prod teams really do ask for us to play at their events and that's crazy, I didn't know that we were that fun to have around. It's nice to see that people like us too.

I have so much hope for this band, alot has happened too. Alot of changes and each of our lives were still uncovering in each passing day or whatever the fuck i'm saying at this point. It's just crazy how I always knew I am meant for this. To be on stage, to be in front of the people and to play music with my friends.

We were fully booked the entire October with gigs here and there, and we even had the time where we had 2 gigs for like 2 days straight back in August. That's also crazy!

I am having fun and I haven't felt like this in so long. It's like coming home to a place where you always belong. I love music so much and I hope to play more and make more with my band. I truly believe in us. I really do.

I am meant to be heard in sounds that I make and I am meant to be surrounded by the same people who share the same dreams as I do.

Sincerely,

me

[deadass-pool]

march 22, 2023 - hello

it’s been awhile again, so here’s the thing.

i reread the past entries i had and realized that ALOT has definitely happened in my life. living my days and letting time pass with my dumb decisions can surprisingly make a difference, huh.

also, to update you with my life, i just survived the 2nd pregnancy scare. yes, i’m still sleeping with the same guy and no, there’s no feelings of romantic attachment ....yet..? idk i don’t think i could form any romantic feelings towards anyone anytime soon now that i’ve grown and realized that i don’t really want a relationship and my body is just craving for physical intimacy such as sex and cuddling and whatever skinship anyone has going on.

also, i have come to realize that in order to experience the fluff romance that i see in kdramas, i must be able to not BE AN ASSHOLE in order to get treated right. also, to get my shit together. also again, to improve my taste...in men specifically... 

so yeah, other than realizing that i don’t really want any of that relationship stuff and love and whatever since i am too much of a narcissist myself and very VERY emotionally UNAVAILABLE to invest in someone, i am very busy!

i’ve been switched to another department. finally, got into the marketing department, and let me tell you, i have a love and hate relationship towards the whole thing. only because i do not like some of the tasks that were given to me but i like learning more and my supervisor is nice enough to teach me more about social media managing and stuff. it’s the one field that i’m looking forward to entering when i’m trying to get a job because i don’t know what else i want to do other than music.

also, speaking of music, i’ve been very busy and focusing on music with my band lately. i’ve gotten closer with my bandmates, our vocalist especially which is very cool because i used to be her fan and now i’m like best friends with her and that’s REALLY COOL 

she’s really nice they���re all nice i appreaicate them so much also idk what else i should talk about on here.

well, back to music, big things are coming and i can’t wait to live my dreams with my newfound friends and i can’t wait for you to hear what comes next. i want to make it.

i want to be who i always wanted to be!

sincerely,

me

[deadass-pool]

january 25, 2023 - i have no idea what to type in here

so uh, sorry about the last entry. i was in a state of panic.

i would like to tell you, that i am not pregnant! congrats! i am not a mother!

also, i sorted things out with guy from twitter by setting boundaries. it’s my first time talking to a man about this situation BECAUSE everytime i try to confront or communicate, a man that i have whatever the fuck i have something with, immediately leaves.

and it’s so bad. like so so bad that i had to applaud and was so nervous over this confrontation with guy from twitter because my dating history is soooooo fucked up to the point that i had to applaud him only because things are clear between us and that we’re platonic with sex. THANK YOU I CANNOT HANDLE A RELATIONSHIP I AM EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE!!!

also, enough with boy problems and the three entries where i am literally just being a whore, i would like to tell you that i am currently in an all girl punk band with the coolest people i know. lots of plans are yet to happen and lots of things that we need to do but yea, i hope this one works out.

i can’t say much about it, but this is big. and i hope I DO HOPE I REALLY HOPE this is it for us. for me. i’ve been writing about the same dreams in this blog for so many years and i waited so long for an opportunity as i rot my years away into the misery called adulthood.

i hope this time, i make it.

also again, i’ve been trying to sort my life out. i want to lessen my screen time so i’ve been investing in consuming a bit of media such as series or anime or whatever. i’ve been working out again and planning to buy a camera and weights. i can’t tell if i’m serious but i want to better myself. i’ve been really busy this month.

sincerely, 

me

[deadass-pool]

january 8, 2023 - new year; new problems

soooooo,,,,, past blog entry did not AGE well... here’s the thing, i’m writing this as i am currently experiencing a pregnancy scare. NOW, now, NOWWW..... i get what you’re thinking, “yo, what the fuck?”, look i can explain. alot has happened the past 2 months that i was QUIET on here, and i did not tell my friends neither have i told YOU anything... so here’s what happend:

november: - i lost my idgaf war, i was hung up on the same guy that i was talking about from my past blog

- i was soooooo hung up and i wanted to move past this attachment that i reinstalled the same dating app where i met him. have i told yall that i’m still in contact with him the entire time? except he was so full of bullshit and i was tolerating that because,,, well... i’M DUMB!

- ENTER the guy who i knew from twitter. he is very funny and im a fan of him and we matched on the app, anyways it was a short encounter. i was intimidated by him because i felt like i didnt pass his vibe check. i wanted to be his friend because he is very funny and cool so like, i was very devastated when the last message in our conversation was me and he just liked my text. (mind you, we had a long conversation, i’m just anxious because hes very cool so i just straight up dipped out of slightly “out of vibes” reaction which is liking the message)

- friend saw me on the dating app and announced it while we were drinking, i was embarrassed so i deleted the app

- guy from twitter had a hit tweet, i replied as a joke, i thought he wouldnt recognize me anyways he dmed me and asked me why i left the app SO I WAS SURPRISED BECAUSE HE NOTICED !!! my ego skyrocketed like crazy. i forgot to let you know guy on twitter is well known, basically a micro internet niche celebrity idk

- i am now talking to 2 men at once: guy from my elementary school & guy from twitter. anyways, fast forward to whatever the fuck was going on, guy from elementary was slowly losing interest or whatever, we were still sexual but our conversation started limiting to just sex and it was starting to get tiring but im still hooked up for his attention and everything and im so so so stupid compared to guy from twitter whos very decent to talk to 

- i ended up planning to see guy from twitter AND guy from elementary. except the latter never went with his words and boy oh boy the former did

SOOOOOO...............

december:

- im still HUNG UP ON HIM HE ENDED THINGS ON MY BIRTHDAY I WAS SO FUCKING BGSHHGBSHDGBSHFBSHDF SO SO SO 1!!!!! upset and sad and yea wtf was that he never let me speak about it he just apologized and said happy birthday and IM SO FUCKING SAD AND BROKENHEAWRTED I WAS DRUNK ON MY BDAY 

- anyways still hung up on him i lost my virginity to guy from twitter and that was the biggest plot twist because out of everyone i didnt think i would be hooking up with him especially when i used to just see him have hit posts all the time on the tl (if u want tmi he is very good in bed i orgasmed lots)

- still in contact with guy from twitter hes ok we r friends hes cool hes nice i do not feel any attachment towards him idk where that attached virgin stereotype came from 

- found out guy from elementary went back to his ex before december ended and i was so annoyed and pissed because he couldve just told me instead of leaving me hanging and not letting me speak jfc 

anyways i think i left a few details here and there and now, i am typing this, days before my supposed period, it’s the 21st day of my cycle and i am INCREDIBLY ANXIOUS because i just realized i had sex BEFORE MY OVULATION and now i could not stop hitting myself with my pillow and praying to the lord BECAUSE I HAVE SO SO SO MANY PLANS AND SO MUCH DREAMS THAT I NEED TO REACH!!!!!! like it’s so embarrassing already to just lose your virginity at 23 WHAT’S MORE EMBARRASSING IS GETTING PREGNANT AT THE FIRST TIME!!!! i do not want that neither do i want to mother a child that’s goinna turn out of a mess just like i am!!! on god please for the love oF GOD GIVE ME MY PERIOD I AM SO STRESSED I CANT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE I HAVE A CAREER THAT I’VE BEEN FOCUSING ON LATELY 

ok that’s it

sincerely,

me

[deadass-pool]

october 31, 2022 - halloween pms

oh boy oh boy DO I HAVE A STORY TO TELL

so in the past 3 months, i got a job, met new people, life kinda sucks, i met a boy, i also met another boy, i met more boys, went to a kpop music festival, met another boy, jesus fucking christ, please check in on my temper because my patience was tested.

aside from the clients that i have to deal with during my work hours in the morning hours to afternoon, i was also dealing with MEN and i dont know!!!! i havent been screwing around the dating scene in so long because i was so invested in other things such as being delusional with my celebrity crushes and college was sucking the life out of me but jesus christ, i kinda wished it stayed that way because now i got money problems (its a me problem) and boy problems (that i have to get rid ASAP)

anyways, i’m not gonna write about the 10 guys i talked to simultatnoeusly at once, the another 5 men whom all i met through stupid online dating apps, WHAT im gonna tell you is that i ended up forming a whatever situationship with a guy that i used to go to the same elementary school with. WHICH WAS WEIRD BECAUSE I KNEW HIM SINCE FOREVER LIKE IN 1ST GRADE IMAGINE HAVING HIM SEE YOUR TIDDIES NOW AT AGE 22 LIKE, THATS SO WEIRD WHO FUCKING KNEW RIGHT 

anyways, yeah based on the last paragraph that i have written, if it isn’t obvious enough for you, yes it was very sexual (and very confusing at times) and ITS SOMETIMES WEIRD because i cant stop picturing him as some random 6th grader that i walk past by numerous times when i was in 5th grade and idk idk its so fucking crazy like, THATS CRAZY RIGHT?? WHO KNEW LMFAO

anyways yea we would call each other at night, it was nothing serious, obviously. out of everyone he was my favorite since there was a common ground and experience we share so i felt more comfortable with him than the rest of the guys that i talked to. so i trusted him enough with photos that i took and hes literally the only guy i ever sent those photos to (and hes gonna get beat up by me if anything happens GOD FORBID ANYTHING HAPPENS) 

he would send good morning texts bla bla bla, it was a one month short lived experience until i decided to just be distant or whatever because hes literally any other guys. god, we were evn supposed to go on a date but it didnt happen. the point is, just because you knew him since forever does not mean he’s going to be different. i have met way too many of the same people like him, AND LIKE ME, to keep my guard up anyway.

anyways, the point is i can feel the void in me getting alot more worse. the more i entertain these men, even women (i cant for the life of god play with women even when im attracted to them i just CANT) the more i feel like this is all i ever am worth of.

i always dreamed about being cherished, being taken care of, being seen, being listened to, and just being loved and that’s because of the numerous love songs that i heard, movies that i watched and books i read, but why does it feel like i will never be worth of any of those things?

i think the dating scene of today made it worse. i think that’s why i can’t keep on settling for stuff like this anymore. i am not embarrassed to admit that i believe that i deserve being treated with respect and live the fluffy romantic corny shit you see in dramas. i truly want that lol

i just feel like i wasted so much time on spending to get to know these people, even when im not looking for anything serious, time is still a cost to even acknowledge their existence. i just feel like absolute shit over it.

idk maybe im just pmsing and its a halloween and i literally have nothing much better to do (i am literally supposed to go on errands but i ended up crying over the remaining balance in my bank account) but idk idk

and also i cut off my ties with this guy, not fully, just distanced myself. if he tries to reach out, then i’ll let him in. there’s nothing going on anyway and he’s a manwhore lol. idk im just upset over everything rn idk why im typing this maybe its because its eating me alive. did u guys know that i used to have such a huuuuuge crush on him until he went for the sexual part in our relationship or whatever we have and now i could not respect him at all lmfao

anyways, thats it ill tell more on the careeer part soon, im working on something. see if this one works out. we’ll see.

[deadass-pool]

june 30, 2022 - where do i even go?

thesis is over. i only got a grade of 76 which is a bad thing knowing that i put lots of effort into making this paper.

anyways, that’s the thing that’s affecting my relationship with my mother now, knowing that everyones in the family have their expectations exceed too much without realizing that i am slowly detoriating into something worse. how do i tell everyone that i am so lost and the only thing that’s in the back of my mind is to just kill myself?

graduation is coming in a month, and questions about my plans after college are bombarding me. who knew i’d be lost at this age? i was so sure that i would be doing something that i told my 17 year old self forever where i get to express myself, living my childhood dreams and whatever.

but why am i here now? in the same cramped household with music playing in the background and me typing about how lost i am in life?

i know we all have our own pace but is this it? is this the end? is this where i end up becoming who i fear the most?

[deadass-pool]

april 30, 2022 - today i realized i lost a friend

i hope it’s just my silly thoughts.

because my bestfriend of 8 years is starting to feel like a stranger to me and out of everyone who i shared a part of my life with, i never thought that it would be her to walk out of my life first.

it started with the pandemic and the online conversations that have always been rare but it was fine because we were like that.

until i started seeing them hanging alot more with other people, getting matching tattoos with them, out drinking and just having fun while i am left alone in my home for 2 years.

it’s ok. it’s not like i own the person and i didn’t seem to mind at first only to realize that i am getting left delivered, messages felt like i’m talking to a stranger and the next thing i know is that i’m basically getting cut off.

is it me? i don’t know.

i hope it really is just me.

because i know her situation, she was kicked out of her house for personal political reasons in the middle of the election but i don’t remember checking the last reason why it’s going to be like this.

it hurts alot, you see.

i think it hurts more than getting your heart broken by some guy who replaced you for someone prettier. 

i thought grief is only felt when a loved one dies but it crawls to your body until it fully takes you over when you realized that the person who you thought would be the last person to leave was the first to walk out your life.

and it’s worse than death because it was their choice to leave.

idk where to tell this im just really hurt right now lol and its worse because we’re still in the same group for thesis which btw the final defense is coming right up and WE ARE IN SHAMBLES

this reminds me of 2521 and every other coming of age film/show.

it’s part of growing up i guess so i have to just accept it.

we have our own priorities now and i just hope my friend is doing well. 

[deadass-pool]

march 30 2022

its been a year since my dad passed

i dont know how to word it properly without seeming like an asshole

but ive been coping his death through ignoring the event

through pretending that nothing happened

it still hurts as much though

i dont like thinking about it

i dont like talking about my dad either

i dont like to reminisce about my memories with him to my mom who always talked about him more than me and my sister could

i dont feel comfortable talking about him if i were being honest

theres this feeling of wanting to ignore the whole thing that happend because i feel like if i keep on paying attention to it, wont stop speaking of him, wont stop telling people about him or whatever i will absolutely lose it.

anyways, im on my 2nd semester of 4th year and im anxious about the whole thing. lots of things changed ever since.

friends in my age are either working in jobs, started a family, got into a serious relationship, settled down or is out there doing drugs or whatever.

don’t ask about me, i realized i just reverted back to 10 year old me.

ive done nothing but obsess over kpop and started acting like i’m y/n in a fanfic. i AM LITERALLY 22 YEARS OLD WHY IN HELL DO I THINK HAN JISUNG IS MY SOULMATE JESUS CHRIST GET IT TOGETHER GIRL

anyways again i am also trying to get back in track, with music.

i have lost path when my dad died last year, i stopped for a long time and the criticism i received from a total stranger did not help also mostly because im not “thick skinned” and i am very VERY easy to break when it comes to my art because i am very insecure of what i create.

though that shit was stressfula nd affected me so much i am still trying...sometimes!

i also reconnected with my old friends through kpop and anime. our interests have strengeehtened our bond and im so glad i m firends with them.

i have been so distracted by the weight of my problems that i keep forgetting that there are people who love me out there!

i also became friends with people who i never thought id be close with!!! i hope they stay there in the long run <3

other than that im 22 yea i mentioned that already and i realized ive been trying to slow things down to slow time down by going back to my childhood to teenage interests. i am trying to lvoe myself this time, even when its a struggle to eat properly sometimes because body image is a pain in the ass

i am gettin older and older and its kinda weird how things are changing form e and my friends its crazy how the celebrities that are charting the billboards and the famous names of today are either in your age or younger now.

i might be looking forward too much i might be going through another part where i think im doing well until i start breaking down and start to think about death alot but i hope there are good things waiting for me at the end !!!!!

i am trying !!!

i am 1!

i know my dad would want this for me!!

though i have lost my way i know i will come back to the path that i have always longed for!!

and it will all be worth it, i hope

[deadass-pool]

nov. 11, 2021

its been 9 months since my dad passed

lots of change going on here.

ive been going about my life without any sense of direction, lacking purpose if that’s what you would like to call.

i’ve been living off distractions as well, short term feelings for someone i’ve never met, entertainment and whatsoever.

kpop has taken over my life as well, a bit of getting into more films these days as well.

i’m on my 4th year of college, supposedly the last.

i haven’t felt alive in so long. maybe the last time i did was when i drank with my friends last august. only because i got to be with them after for so long, knowing that the pandemic has stopped us from seeing one another.

i never had the time to grieve. that’s what i hated the most.

i hated how i have to keep on moving forward like nothing happened. 

when my dad died, it was when things were hectic for me. 

thesis and stuff, internship and so on.

this whole career stuff was getting too real, the course that i took was getting serious now.

and i don’t like how i’m heading to a place where i know that i’m not gonna like at all.

and these days, ive been living off anger and sadness and emptiness and i can’t tell if this is just normal for someone who’s about to enter the real world as a 21 year old.

is it normal to want to die?

i dont think my grief does not only limit to my dad’s death but to the hopes and dreams i had in the past as well. i cant seem to find any of those anymore.

i feel like i wasted my years.

wasted alot of things.

it’s like

i am not worth of anything at all

i dont know how to write every little bit i’m feeling right now.

i think im feeling too much and nothing at once

i also think it has gotten worse.

i cant stop thinking about how much i wish i could just not exist

and how it shouldn’t been my dad but how it should’ve been me instead.

and i know people see me as someone flexible, someone who can do anything that is asked for

someone reliable

someone supposedly talented

but why can’t i seem to do one thing properly??

why cant i just live right

breathe right

why cant i just

feel right 

[deadass-pool]

april 19, 2021

hello. its been 2 months since i last updated. the only time i would be on here is when im deeply worried about my dad. but he’s gone for 2 months now and it still feels unreal. 

i have accepted it already, i did. i’m okay with it now because i knew this was coming. but i don’t think i’ve gotten past the point of grieving stages.

it comes back, i think. it shows in my actions, i think.

i haven’t been sleeping well.

neither have i been eating well, it’s either too little or too much. 

i’m pushing people away again.

i feel so fucking alone and tired.

i don’t want to do things anymore neither do i want to keep on waking up to a routine that gives me nothing in return.

i’m so tired

[deadass-pool]

february 17, 2021

my dad’s gone.

[deadass-pool]

february 16, 2021

i know most of my entries always have to do with my dad. 

with how his illness sometimes suddenly gets worse then later it becomes okay.

with how sometimes at 2 am where my sister and i are left alone in our small cramped up house waiting for him to get home i’d get a call from my mom at work telling me that he’s sent to the er.

with how sometimes i talk about death, dream of it sometimes in my sleep and have fear cover my body with goosebumps and chills as it lurks around knowing that he’s going to take my loved ones.

last night, or maybe it was this morning. it was 1 am, or maybe it was 2 am again. my dad was sent to the er once again.

i took care of him for a short time, he was weak and couldn’t speak neither could he walk properly. he couldn’t breathe this time and i thought, like we all did that it’s normal since his dialysis was abruptly stopped due to his chills. in short, we all thought that it’s just the dialysis.

i don’t know, but i never liked february’s.

not because of valentine’s but because i lost 2 of my loved ones all in the same month but years apart.

the last time my dad was rushed to the hospital for the first time was in february too. the time he was diagnosed with kidney failure and it was chronic and at last stage. we almost lost him that time. 

and this time around last year too, my dad was rushed again to the hospital because there was too much water intake that almost reached his heart.

we were lucky the last time and we were also lucky last year.

but is luck always on our side?

because i received an update minutes ago that he’s going to be intubated (in which tubes will be inserted into his lungs as far as i know, acccording to google) and my mom’s already in too much stress and like i am, she doesn’t know what to do and i want to help so SO FUCKING BAD but i don’t know how i could.

i don’t want to lose a 3rd loved one to february again. 

not even this early.

i’m only 21 i’m still in college he still haven’t seen more.

and do you know what also hurts?

it’s that if there’s a god out there, watching and listening to the scenarios slowly unfolding each minutes it passes, why does it keep getting worse?

do we deserve this?

is this somekind of punishment?

because please, if you’re out there, please. i’m begging on my knees.

help us.