deadatsuko001

[deadatsuko001]

HII YOUR PROFILE IS SO CUTE

Thank you to you as well!! ♡♡

[deadatsuko001]

Yr blog is super pretty sorry I have to use the anon thingy but my friends follow my main blog (⁠ᗒ﹏ᗕ⁠)

-🫀🪽

Thank you<3

[deadatsuko001]

Posting this here too for my Tumblr fellas

[deadatsuko001]

Rating things I remember from my childhood:

- Having horrible hallucinations, especially in the mornings (I was around 3-7)

2/10 (Woke my mom up so many times and the hallucinations also made me throw away many of my toys)

- My mom making me pee in a basin over night every night then throw it the next morning in the toilet (I was 2-11)

0/10 (I was a kid and sometimes I was forgetting to throw it and it would get smelly)

- Lived in the same room I do now with no windows

6/10 (I had more comforting lights back then. Now it just feels like a prison)

- My mom beating me up with her hands and belt and forcing me to read out loud a thick book because I fell by mistake in a fountain and lied to her out of fear that someone else pushed me (I was 6)

0/10 (I still want to cry when I remember)

- A classmate telling me randomly in a trip that I'm worthless and I have no friends and never will (I was 9)

0/10 (I instantly started crying and her mom noticed faster than my own fucking mom)

- My piano teacher yelling at me for hours during lessons (I was 7-10)

3/10 (I was shaking while playing but I tried to never take it personally)

- My mom grabbing me away and telling me "Stop asking kids 'do you want to be friends?'. That's not what friends are." every time I tried to socialize at a playground (I was around 3-7)

7/10 (It only pissed me off because it was repetitive and I was wishing she could just shut the fuck up)

- My mom seeing me with kid lipgloss on and yelling at me "I'm gonna punch you in the face until your lips are gonna be full of blood so you don't need lipstick" (I was 10)

0/10 (I still cry when I remember)

- My dad not being present

7/10 (I was missing him because I thought that if he would be around my mom would stop treating me like trash)

- Being so afraid of my mom that I was even hiding the fact that I was eating ice cream (I was 8)

2/10 (I indeed got my ass beaten up for lying that the ice cream wasn't mine)

- My mom knocking 3 times in the wall as an announcement that my time of talking with my grandparents was over

5/10 (Barely talked to them even tho we lived in the same house)

- My dad randomly making my makeup using my mom's (I was 6-7)

10/10 (The only thing he ever did good. thanks, dad)

- My uncle randomly almost hitting me with his controller because he got mad at a video game (I can't remember the age)

6/10 (A lot of adrenaline, my instincts made me back up and the controller ended up making a hole in the wall. Impressive Ig)

- Crying because I was hating my life and my mom caught me. When she asked me why tf I'm crying I lied "I saw a sad video on YouTube" and she answered "Then stop watching them like a stupid fuck" (I can't remember age)

5/10 (Low-key she was right if that was the case)

- My mom not letting me get out of the room, socialize with others or go out with anyone to play while saying "Just because" (I was 6-16)

0/10 (The reason now I don't feel any need to have relationships, socialize, get out of the room and can't stand anyone around me)

- My mom beating me up on the street and yelling at me because around the straight 10s in school I had a 7 and a 8 (I was 10)

0/10 (I cried since I got to the school with her because I knew what was coming. A teacher tried to comfort me but I couldn't tell her why I was crying because my mom was next to me)

- Me showing my straight 10s grades proudly to my dad and him saying "Yeah.. the two 9s are destroying the line" (I was 10)

3/10 (Why are you fucking talking?? You weren't even present)

- Telling my mom to shut up so I can record a YouTube video of how I play with my MLP figurines like they're in FNAF (I was 8)

10/10 (#Girlboss. She surprisingly shut up and let me record)

- My mom ripping my homework pages and putting me to redo them for no reason at all even if it was already late night (I was 7-10)

0/10 (Biggest torture method she used on me. Now I can't own a notebook without ripping the pages, so I gotta buy and write only on A4 papers. No notebooks)

- Me denying to myself that I got my first period because I was afraid to tell my mom. The second one was heavier and I got forced by nature to tell her (I was 13 Ig?)

5/10 (I did it over text)

- Trying to force a tampon in me because I was scared of telling my mom to buy me pads (still 13)

0/10 (Got painful and gave up. Glad I gave up)

- Beating up all the boys at once in the kindergarten because they tried to bully me for being the only one sitting/playing alone (I was 4-5)

9/10 (#Girlboss but kinda embarrassing from my perspective)

- Beating up a girl in her own house but I can't remember the reason (I was around 7-8)

10/10 (I remember she was one of my bullies and I wasn't having it)

- Got groomed and manipulated into sending nudes thinking I finally made a friend (I was 10)

0/10 (I broke my account some years ago and I noticed the person took screenshots of them. I still wonder where they're now and I feel fucking horrible and pathetic. Their account is deleted so I can't do shit)

- Getting put to raise my little brother since he got born just so my mom to make him hate me like her when he grew older (I was 7-13 when I took care of him)

0/10 (I was seeing him as my child and he was all I was having)

If I'll remember anything else I will update. Rn I'm cutting the shit out of my thighs

[deadatsuko001]

By the way, if anyone wants to exchange $H photos in DMs I'm down!

[deadatsuko001]

Update: Yesterday I've been to the psychiatrist. Biggest disappointment of my life. She literally barely listened what I said, invalidated my problems, barely wanted to give me any medication (even tho I'm fucked) and she told me she doesn't even want to diagnose me with depression even tho I've been wanting to kms for the last 6 years and I've been cutting myself for 4. She was most of the time on her phone, she even answered a random call midway, took my money and sent me home. I was full of rage and I hold for dear life not to argue with her because my mom was on the hallway. All this happened after she put me to wait one fucking hour on the hallway.

Really weird since my psychologist is really worried about me and wanted to medicate me asap. Plus her saying i have high chances of getting diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Today I had my first group therapy. There were 13-18 year old people and 3 professionals (to make sure no one attacks anyone or runs away). There are two groups: group 1 which is for younger people and people that don't have a mental problem (who talk about things like "I'm stressed cause my mom punished me and I'm not allowed to go out this weekend) and group 2 which is a more... entertaining group let's say, where everyone is mentally ill enough to jump at the other's neck with the first chance. I'm in group 2 so Ig you can tell how today has been. I was extremely anxious, the first thing my mind went "Everyone hates me and they're going to laugh about me and try to hurt me". But no. Even tho I barely said anything during therapy (cause my psychologist put me to) I still stuttered, my mind went blind and things like this. My psychologist noticed that so if I was saying "I don't know..." she would skip to the next person cause she knew I wasn't able to pick a thought and say it. Some people complimented me even tho I tried my best to stay away from everyone (I was kinda pushed by the ladies to integrate or pushed others to integrate me).

The therapy took 2 hours and 30 minutes, we have a 20 minutes break after the first hour where we go to the building's kitchen where we can have soda and snacks, and you are allowed to go to the backyard to smoke if you want. I like the 20 minutes break because I have enough time to calm myself down for the hour that will come next.

At the end of the group therapy I went to my psychologist and told her about my psychiatrist and that I want to change her and we are going to talk about it more next week to our next private session.

I also dyed my hair today but I have no pic to show you. Maybe tomorrow.

[deadatsuko001]

If you were in a time paradox and the only way for you to get out of it was for you to leave the town you're in but the police and everybody in the city are trying to stop you because they will get 1 billion dollars if they do how many attempts to your think it would take before you would escape it?

Max 2 times cause they wouldn't be able to think from my perspective and wouldn't know where to search for me.

[deadatsuko001]

hmm yes, the year 1 teacher making 40k is absolutely making more bank than a plastic surgeon

Then become a plastic surgeon. Ain't the one who put them get that job plus here in my country they indeed get payed just as good as lawyers, policemen, etc. But I ain't gonna argue with someone who thinks life is ending because of a Tumblr post. Get a life and a father.

I'm also gonna delete the other replies and I won't answer the other anon you sent cause this account should be a digital diary where I write stuff about me either if I'm sane or not, so suck my fat ass cock. If you want to argue that bad text me. Or you're all that only when you're anon?

Also, you have big ass warnings all over my account. You go on an unmedicated person's digital diary and expect to see MLP drawings. If you're so weak don't fucking interact with my page. I don't need you here.

[deadatsuko001]

A list of types of people I completely despise:

1. zoophiles

2. pedophiles

3. rapists

4. proshippers and anyone who supports/promotes incest

5. people who do drugs for fun and also pushes people into it "cause it's fun"

6. people who cry about their problems but don't even try to fix them

7. people who make everything a competition

8. people who bring race, gender, nationality and anything like that into fights (that's not a valid argument you dumb fuck)

9. people who fake mental illness, lie about their life and stuff like this (people actually go through shit. fucking shut up)

10. rich people (they always have an annoying personality)

11. these brainlets that sais "my mental illness is so silly/makes me look hot" (you don't fucking know the hell people with real problems go through)

12. people who have everything they want/their life is perfect but they try to find any minor inconvenience to cry about

13. pedobaiters/zoobaiters (understandable from point 1 and 2)

14. people who have fucked up fetishes/kinks but not as a coping mechanism (like being into mentally ill people or liking age playing)

15. people who like olives (sorry this one is a joke. I just don't like olives. moving on...)

16. people who think all cases of murders are bad and immoral

17. people who say "at the end of the day we all bleed red" (yes, we all are humans but some of us are bad and some are good. fucking put your brain at work)

18. people who destroy their life on purpose to attention farm

19. narcissistic and histrionic people (not a problem with you personally as long as your actions don't affect someone else. fucking stop putting innocent people down)

20. teachers. yes. all of them. no exceptions

21. people who can't see the bad things behind immigrants (think about it cause this is NOT about the families and people who are trying to live a better life)

22. people who make kids without wanting them even tho in their country abortion is legal (this is more about these women who make children then hate them or dads that leave)

23. people who don't believe in mental health

24. people who support patriarchy (it's 2025 and we still didn't evolved)

25. people who make fun of others for doing mistakes/typos in English (Emily, not everyone is American. get out of your bubble or attend geography classes for once)

26. sensitive people (and by this I mean these who call everything asianfishing, racist, anything chronically online like that)

27. religion wars (can we fucking accept already that we come from various places with different backgrounds? of course we are different you stupid shit)

28. also people who push their religion on others (it literally doesn't work like that)

29. people who talk with so much pride about their religion but they did all the sins in their book

30. presidents and anyone who works in the governments (no exceptions. they're all liars and money hungry)

31. people who sais they're broke (or really are broke) but have enough money to buy themselves expensive stuff (buy yourself some food, you're dumb?)

32. only fans influencers (men and women. men and women. exception: cases where money is really really needed and employment doesn't pay you enough because of this fucked up economy we live in)

33. people who get in relationships because "they're bored" or "needed a plot"

34. people who sexualize sex (it sounds hypocritical but I'm more talking about these sex workers or these who fuck around for fun. bring back seeing sex as something that bounds your soul to the person you love even if it's before marriage or you change partners. shit happens in life and it's understandable)

35. people who pick on others for no reason

36. people who do bad rage baits (bring back pineapple on pizza type rage baits)

37. people who try to be edgy (no one is scared of you, fuck ass. calm down)

38. people who get in dramas that aren't theirs

39. people who support the bad sides of AI (like using it to generate nudes of someone or to put down artists)

40. people who don't listen the others' part of story (misunderstanding or misinformation exists, dumbass)

41. people who put their partners over their kids but also people who totally forget about their partners after they get kids

42. people who get married too fast (you don't know what might wait for you after the wedding. wait. life isn't that short)

43. people who judge others for things that don't affect them

44. people who glamorise bad people/actions for no reason at fucking all

45. people who try to be something they aren't (for example forcing yourself to listen to a type of music you don't like just because you want to be tuff. literally just stfu)

46. people who put labels by how someone looks like

47. popular people (most of them have fucked up personalities)

48. people who start fights they can't handle

49. people who sees your warning about your mental health but then expect you to act like a normal person

50. people who sais an artist's songs aren't good just because their reputation is problematic

51. people who put labels on people because of their past

52. people who make lgbt their whole personality (you know what I'm saying)

53. people who promote shit like pornography to kids/on apps frequented by minors

54. people who make out in public

55. people who act like they know everything but you can tell they know shit when they start to talk about a subject

56. posers.

57. people who follow trends and make a big deal out of it (excessively)

58. people who hates kids (we get it that you don't want kids in the future but stop saying you wouldn't feel bad if you would beat up one, you failure piece of meat)

59. people who beat up/kill animals (not including food)

60. people who use others' trauma as comebacks (still not an argument, you insensitive shit)

61. people who think you should just take hate from others just because you're older (I will argue and fight with whoever pisses me off. I don't give a fuck if you're 3 years younger)

62. any type of abusers

63. people who can't tell the difference between words and actions

64. people who hates on others just because they're a beginner at what they're doing

65. people who cry about their weight but never touched a gym in their life

66. people who promote eating disorder or sees it as something cool (said by someone who never had one. this is living proof you guys aren't woke)

67. people who sais smoking/drinking is for pussies (some of us use it as a coping mechanism. maybe you should just put a cock in your mouth and stfu)

68. people who think they're better than others for never having sex or not feeling sexual attraction

69. people who doxx as an argument (unless that doxx is really deserved)

70. people who bullies others to death and feel proud of it

71. people who don't take accountability for their actions (you fucking pussy)

This list will keep getting updated. Idc if you're mad at it. If you get mad then you know you're the problem.

[deadatsuko001]

Update: Got the results from my psychologist. I have symptoms of paranoid, schizoid, borderline, avoidant, obsessive-compulsive, schizotypal, anxious and depressive personality disorders. I need to go the psychiatrist to get a diagnosis and meds, to continue have private therapy sessions and group therapy. Also one of my parents (which will be my mom) will also have to go to family counseling where parents meet up and talk so they can learn from eachother how to treat their troubled child.

Note: She also told me I should start getting proper help because I'm at risk of schizophrenia.

[deadatsuko001]

Update: My mom became worse since I told her about my depression. I had a big fight with her 2 days ago and I almost ended up stabbing her or myself.

Yesterday I couldn't handle what's going on in my life anymore and took 50mg of Metoclopramide. The lethal dosage is 300mg+ but I only had 100mg so I said "fuck it. I hope at least I'll sleep good tonight". I fucking didn't. I indeed fell asleep after 20 minutes but I woke up at midnight at 2am and it's been hell. I was extremely sleepy but my body was restless (side effects from the overdose), I was cold and hot in the same time and I kept having weird short dreams. I almost started crying cause it felt like torture but then I fell asleep again around 4am then woke up at 9 and fell back asleep until 2pm.

Today also my deskmate (the only person I was talking to at school/irl, my only "friend" we could say) started a massive fight through messages saying she's done with me because I don't talk to her in our free time and that it looks like I'm using her? I literally tried to explain to her that I never had friends before, I don't get out of my room and all that so I of course didn't do shit like inviting her at a coffee, but she kept saying shit like "that's genuinely what friends don't do".

Well you know what friends don't fucking do, Ana? Watching them kill themselves, tell them going to a psychologist is fucking stupid then blame them when they're trying to reach for academic help because they have no more hope left. That's what friends don't fucking do. When you needed someone to help you with shit I've been the one I pulled up even tho I'm "such a horrible person" you describe me as. I lived before you, I can live without you again. I don't give a shit anymore cause I don't fuck with people who invalidate me and make my last days on earth like living hell.

I also barely answer to people online. I barely talk with people in general. I'm just really stressed, really depressed, I'm fucked, I'm sad and I'm fucking angry at the same time. I want to be left alone but helped at the same time. I don't want to live this fuck ass life anymore but death is also so painful it scares me.

[deadatsuko001]

[deadatsuko001]

Update: My psychologist told me to tell my mom about it because it will benefit me more, even tho there were chances of her not caring. So I did. Almost shit myself while texting her but it's okay.

She said that if she wouldn't have taken me seriously she wouldn't have gave me money to go to the psychologist and then I closed the subject fast and let the conversation die.

Monday I have a new appointment where I will receive the portfolio with all the results from the tests and a specific diagnosis.

I want to thanks to the psychologist for moving so fast. It's probably because I'm at risk and need medication and therapy asap but I can't without a proper diagnosis. A problem which will be solved starting with Monday.

[deadatsuko001]

Update: I went to the psychologist today. She sent two tests on my email to take at home and two tests I've taken in her office on paper. Got diagnosed today with severe depression.

I had to tell her that I've been trying to kms for the last 6 years and I don't think she sent my mom any messages (or my mom is a good gatekeeper). Or maybe she realized that I'm an adult and that my mom does not give a fuck.

She gave me the number of a psychiatrist cause she wants to put me at the moment on antidepressants and something for anxiety if I remember right.

The tests I took at home I think were for personality disorders and I'll get the results next time I see her.

She also made me tell her about this weird fact that when I have a rare short extreme moment of happiness I start talking about the divine and how the universe loves me but when I'm back on my daily mood I believe in nothing. Like I just can't believe in the existence of a divine. While usually people forget about divine when they're doing good but when they're going through shit they start to pray or blame it on a divine. I'm right the opposite.

Anything else, I don't know. We will see in next updates.

[deadatsuko001]

[deadatsuko001]

One exit

She ank in sheets like wilted lace,

A silent scream, a stillborn place.

The days all blurred in fevered gray,

Hope bled beneath the overlay.

The blade, a kiss she longed to keep,

She carved escape into the deep.

Now silence hums where she once lay—

A bed, a grave, a slow decay.

[deadatsuko001]

Thoughts: I want to be stabbed to death. But not just stabbed in any way. I want it during a fight and by someone much more powerful than me so I can make sure I can't win (I can lift a 60kg body and can fight that's why I said that). And not with anything. I want a knife. The chef's knife.

Like imagine fighting and at some point you get immobilized and then stabbed in the stomach. But to be specific, only once. One stab and then you can see the person feeling guilty or panicked. Scientifically talking you should be dead in minutes if it hits the major organ like the liver or aorta or hours if not hit.

I'd personally want to be stabbed in a major organ cause I wouldn't want there to be chances of being saved. I just want to fight, get stabbed and bleed to death while someone is panicking on top of me.

I'm literally thinking about this for some years now and I would genuinely love dying like that.

(the difference between a normal kitchen knife and a chef's knife)