deadbeatvillain - Tumblr blog

[deadbeatvillain]

I've been fighting it for too long. I don't really know why because it's been pointless all along. I'm nothing but a slut that needs to be kept in place. I cook, clean and get fucked. That's why I'm here. I can't think of anywhere else I would fit in. I'm an object, a toy. A something, not someone.

I cut myself yesterday. It didn't help. It always helps, but this time it didn't. I think my time here is running out. There are so many people I don't want to leave, but I can't stop the inevitable. I honestly don't know what I'm waiting for. I guess I'm scared? If there is a hell, I'm certainly going there. What if it's all just cold and dark? What if it's worse than life? What if

[deadbeatvillain]

It's not that I want to die. I just want things to get better, and they always seem to do when I cut myself. Like, I cut myself as punishment and then the universe or something forgives me. I actually wish it wasn't frowned upon, because it seems to be the only way for redemption. Ofcourse, sometimes I just wanna hack and slash my ankle for the sake of it, but I gotta keep myself, I don't want anyone to find out this time. I'd cut up my arms again if I could, but I couldn't hide it well, and I really don't want any more visible scars. Besides, I've got tattoos now and I don't want to ruin them. My ankle though is easy to hide with a sock. Summer's over so I won't wear any dresses. I gotta go now, my bf's coming home. God, I gotta clean this up before he gets here.

[deadbeatvillain]

I asked him, if he thought it was worth fighting for, like so many times before. He went quiet, and then said "I need to think."

I never expected to feel this kind of heartbreak again. I remember this feeling from the first time I fell in love. I'm not a priority, and I'm starting to realize I never was. The second prize, the leftovers, the one you have to settle with. Nobody ever fought for me, and nobody probably ever will.

At this point I feel it's too late to turn my life around. It'd be easier just to cut myself open, hang from the balcony or just jump in front of a train. Call me lazy, soon I hope I wont care anymore. If only I weren't such a coward.

[deadbeatvillain]

If I walked on water, I would drown

Why are expectations so high?

Is it the bar I set?

My arms, I stretch, but I can't reach

A far cry from it, or it's in my grasp, but as

Soon as I grab, squeeze

I lose my grip like the flyin' trapeze

Into the dark I plummet, now the sky's blackenin'

I know the mark's high, butterflies rip apart my stomach

Knowin' that no matter what bars I come with

You're gonna harp, gripe, and

That's a hard Vicodin to swallow, so I scrap these

As pressure increases like khakis

I feel the ice cracking

[deadbeatvillain]

There have been brief periods in my life where I've felt that I fit in, but it passes quickly, and I'm alone again.

This can't be real, right? Is this really how my brain works? Is this the way I really feel underneath it all? Stripped to the core of myself and it's just.. dark. Dark, and empty, and cold. My thoughts echoing, as if they can't find their rightful place.

No, of course nobody understands. Nobody ever have. How can I explain something that there are no words for?

All the nightmares, all the screams, the tears. Every night. I can't take it anymore. Waking up every morning filled with sorrow and hurt. It hurts.

I'm scared of death, but I'm becoming more scared of life.

If this is how it's supposed to be I might as well give up fighting.

Fuck you too, brain.

[deadbeatvillain]

My heart, my soul, it hurts so much.

[deadbeatvillain]

I don't know what I'm doing.

[deadbeatvillain]

You and I were the only ones left in Alderland. Nothing is what it should be in Alderland.

[deadbeatvillain]

How can you say you love me, and still let them treat me like shit..

[deadbeatvillain]

The nightmares are getting more and more real, and they haunt me during the days. The feelings are too strong. I can’t take it. I fucking hate it.

[deadbeatvillain]

You're so familiarized with what having to swallow this pill is like It happens all the time, they take your heart and steal your life And it's as though you feel you've died Cause you've been killed inside But yet you're still alive Which means you will survive

[deadbeatvillain]

Okay.. These last few months have been like a fucking classic "emotional roller-coaster". But... I'm getting better. I got an internship from april and last monday I got hired temporarily for four months, with pay. I almost cried when I got the offer. Money have been my biggest source of anxiety and depression, but now... It's gonna clear up. I still have to battle my depression and mood swings but it's getting easier. We've adjusted my medication too. I'm happy to have something to do, instead of wallowing in my own sorrow all day. I'm on my way back. I'm coming back.

[deadbeatvillain]

Last week I did it. I hadn't cut myself in six years, but last friday I lost control. It wasn't that deep though and it's on my ankle so it doesn't show. I regretted it immediately afterwards. "What the fuck have I done?" I won't do it again. I won't. I shouldn't.

[deadbeatvillain]

Every day.

[deadbeatvillain]

Almost six years without cutting and I'm about to fucking lose control. I'm so tired of feeling like a shit person bcuz people don't understand what depression means. I'm not a bad person. I think. Am I?

[deadbeatvillain]

So.. I heard that the last workplace I visited to apply for a job didn't get a good impression of me. How the fuck is that possible when I only met them for like 10 minutes? They didn't even interview me. I was so nice!!! Fuck this. Fuck it all. I don't even wanna do this anymore. I just wanna.. I wanna go.

[deadbeatvillain]

I love my family and friends. I don't wanna die, but I'm running out of options. I always thought I would fit in when I became an adult, but boy was I wrong. There is no place for me. I'm scared every day, I'm scared of my thoughts, I'm scared of the future. I try, oh my god do I try, I do everything I'm supposed to do. Everything to fit in in this society. I'm getting nowhere. I try to remember Gerard Way's words whenever I feel like this. "Pissing away your life on suicide is fucking bullshit." It helps a little.