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[deadflowercollector]

[deadflowercollector]

Don't get me wrong, I liked Saltburn a lot, but the people saying that it's the craziest piece of media they've ever seen are insane to me. Like watching a crazy guy get into a weird psychosexual relationship with another dude and killing off rich people one by one until he inherits their wealth is like a regular Tuesday for me.

[deadflowercollector]

zine for antinous

poetry is mine, text is cut out of a christian science newspaper

[deadflowercollector]

thinking about how the hunger games were designed to prove that without society, order, government, someone to rule, we devolve into little more than animals, and how the games themselves prove over and over again that this is not true. We see it in every single game we witness.

Katniss placing flowers around Rue's body in the arena. Thresh sparing Katniss because she was kind to Rue, even though he was making it that much harder for himself to win.

Haymitch going back for Maysilee after hearing her scream even though their alliance had been broken. Haymitch holding her as she dies the same way Katniss did Rue.

Coral's "I can't have killed them all for nothing" when she realizes she's not going home. Lamina cutting down Marcus at great personal risk. And, my favorite moment in tbosas, Reaper collecting the bodies of his fellow tributes, his peers, even the ones who tried to kill him, into a pile. Taking the weapons from their hands. Closing their eyes and crossing their arms in the best approximation of a proper burial he can manage, covering them with the Capitol flag as a makeshift shroud.

The Games bring out the worst in people, yes. But despite the extreme circumstances, despite the exterior pressure of the Capitol, despite the fact that it could mean pain and heartbreak and death, it also shows that people have an enormous capacity for goodness. That even in a situation purposefully designed to make empathy impossible, people can't help but have it anyway.

Snow looks at the Games and all he can see is what's inside himself-- this pure animalistic drive to conquer and defeat. He kills and it feels good and he thinks that everyone else must feel that way too. He doesn't realize (maybe can't realize) that he is the exception, not the rule. He cannot see outside himself, outside his own warped perspective, to realize that the fact that people do show humanity in the games proves his entire worldview wrong.

[deadflowercollector]

Personally, it's always a bit wild to me to see commentators interact with the Hunger Games franchise as if Collins were writing science fiction stories instead of essays with faces. She's just not that interested in fleshing out side characters or digging into the details of the worldbuilding. These characters are concepts and symbols before they're people. There's an almost mathematical precision to who and what she explores and how deeply she does it. This is a step or two away from pure allegory. If she were writing a couple of centuries ago, she'd have named her characters things like Innocence and Anger and Watch-Carefully-Your-Soul-Lest-Ye-Be-Damned, but since she's writing for modern audiences, she has to settle for puns and allusions. If she has another essay to write, she'll assign some faces to it; she's not going to look into backstories or other eras just for the sake of storytelling, and it's not a failing as a writer that she doesn't.

[deadflowercollector]

Okay another sad scenario I love to torment myself with is based on the idea that people are always sort of apologizing for Steve and he fucking hates it. Started with his parents saying shit to their friends like “oh you’ll have to excuse Steve, he’s never been much for academics” and other backhanded stuff like that. Or Tommy, “don’t worry about Steve, he never did have the balls to do some real damage, but he’s not afraid to take a punch”

Then he would hear Nancy say to Barb, “come on, I know he’s a bit of an idiot, but he’s sweet, you just have to get to know him.”

Or Dustin to Mike, “Dude, look, he can be a douchebag, I agree, but you gotta give him a chance, he can drive us everywhere.”

Or Robin to her fellow band nerds, “Sure he’s a loser prep but he’s cool, I promise.”

Then he starts dating Eddie. One day early on in the relationship, someone had said something that set Steve ranting to Eddie about how he doesn’t need people to make fucking excuses for him, he doesn’t give a shit what other people think (he gives so many shits) and he thinks he’s a pretty decent person when it comes down to it (he does not think this at all), so people need to stop apologizing for him. Eddie listens to him and the more he listens, the more he takes Steve seriously, the more he sees the hurt beneath the anger, the more Steve talks. And eventually the rant morphs into a quiet plea for Eddie to help him understand why his friends, people who are supposed to love him, feel the need to put all these caveats around him just to make their friends stand him. It makes him feel like shit.

Eddie is furious on his behalf, swears he’ll never do that to Steve, “I’m so proud to be with you, I’m so proud to be your friend, and anyone who doesn’t feel the same isn’t worth your time.” “Even Henderson?” “Even Henderson.” And because Eddie has only ever made him feel good, like he’s somebody worth loving, Steve believes him.

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[deadflowercollector]

hey, whatever happened to franz ferdinand?

[deadflowercollector]

Choosing the boys over a woman is so gay that even real homosexuals don't do that shit. Straight men are in the true cult of the cock, gay men are just normal men that have sex with men.

[deadflowercollector]

[deadflowercollector]

thinking of Eddie going completely incoherent whenever Steve casually changes his shirt in front of him.

they're hanging out in the Harrington house and they realize they need stuff to cook dinner so Eddie trails after Steve just talking his ear off as Steve gets ready and he's mid-sentence when Steve changes his shirt and he just sort of short-circuits from where he's sitting on Steve's bed. it's like one second there's no chest hair and the next there's so much of it and Eddie just-

"yeah we need the burger buns for sure. also remind me to get a- this um, the where uh, not um want, no, and he uh, he didn't tell me what it was"

Steve gives him a puzzled look "wh- who? what?"

Eddie blinks, looking lost "I uh- I think I forgot what i was saying"

and Steve just goes "oh. ok :)" and starts discussing other stuff about their shopping list, completely oblivious. no matter how many times it has happened already.

later, after they get together, Eddie will just straight up stop talking and if possible he'll lean his chin on his hand and just happily watch Steve be shirtless for a bit.

he'll say stuff like "you have great tits. you should be allowed to do whatever you want"

and Steve will preen a little and say "I agree." before giving Eddie a small kiss that Eddie accepts like it's the most precious gift <3

[deadflowercollector]

Sometimes Eddie can't believe that they've made it. He'll look at Steve, like right now across the lawn, watches him teaching little Emma how to put sausages and burgers on the grill, and Eddie still can't believe it.

For the longest time as a teen Eddie was convinced he would end up in the 27 Club. Trying to escape the reality of his meager life expectancy as a queer freak trailer trash kid in a small town in bumfuck Indiana by glamorizing going out with a sex, rock'n'roll, and drugs fuelled bang before the age of 30. He never thought it would be an angry mob of jocks and a thunderstorm of bloodhungry demobats that would almost take him out before the age of 20.

Eddie only managed to step away from death's door thanks to the miracle that is Steve Harrington. And he truly is a miracle. Not just because he carried Eddie's half-dead body out of the upside down and nursed him back to health. Not just because he helped get Eddie's name cleared and his charges dropped. No, everything about Steve felt like a goddamn miracle. The way he smiled, his bitchy but entertaining little jabs, the taste of his chicken noodle soup, the way he would comfort everyone who needed it. But the most miraculous thing to Eddie had been that Steve had chosen him. Had fallen in love with him. Had stayed with him.

Still feels like a miracle every morning when Eddie wakes up in Steve's arms both of their bodies aching. As if he could tell what Eddie is thinking Steve looks up from the grill and finds Eddie's eyes. He gives Eddie that private little smile, the smile that means, "you too are my miracle." Because Steve feels the exact same.

It took a couple more months and for Eddie and Steve to leave the god-forsaken small town of Hawkins behind for Eddie to believe that he might make it past 27. They moved to Indy first and then later to Chicago. Shabby apartments became home and strangers became friends, confidants, people that turned out to be just like Steve and Eddie and Robin. And then some of those friends started dying. Eddie kinda lost count of how many funerals they went to during those years. Is thankful every day that they made it, is thankful for all the friends that did make it.

He watches some of them across the lawn or on the porch, chatting, carrying potato salad, laughing and lifting up their kids or even grandkids. Eddie watches them all and takes in the miracle that is grey hair and wrinkles, looks at Steve and loves how the nickname "The Hair" doesn't quite apply anymore, curses the pain in his own back and kinda sees it a little bit as a blessing at the same time. As a reminder that they have made it. As a reminder that they get to have this, that despite supernatural powers and bigoted people they got to have this.

They got to grow older and will continue to grow older. They got to get married (three times: once in Amsterdam, once in Massachusetts and once last year in their backyard renewing their vows, celebrating gay marriage being legalized). Two arms warp around Eddie from behind and a soft kiss is pressed into his cheek.

"Hi dad," Allison, their eldest, says and let's go of him.

"Hey honey," Eddie says and pulls her into a proper hug, holding her tight.

She moved to West Coast for college, near where Will and Mike are located now, so Eddie and Steve don't get to see her all that much, as opposed to George who just moved to Detroit. It's nice, means Eddie and Steve get to see little Emma relatively often. As if on cue Emma turns around and looks from Steve to Eddie and Allison.

"Aunt Allie," she yells and runs across the yard to hug her aunt, leaving Steve all alone at the grill.

While Emma and Allison hug, Eddie makes his way over to Steve. Thinks once more how lucky they are that they got to adopt two beautiful kids, now have a grandkid too. Fucking miracle. Eddie reaches Steve and sneaks his arms around him, chin hooked over his shoulder.

"Oh hello," Steve says and turns his head enough to steal a quick peck. "What are you doing here?"

"Missed you," Eddie mumbles and buries his face in Steve's neck, nose brushing against Steve's scar.

"Sap," Steve says, but then adds, "Missed you too, baby."

Eddie closes his eyes and just drifts. Takes in the smell of Steve and bbq, hears children laughing and friends talking, feels Steve's warm body pressed against his. With the lives they have led, the places they came from the odds have never been in their favor. But somehow, by pure luck, miracle, determination and stubbornness they made it. And Eddie is thankful for it every day. Thankful for Steve, and Allision and George, and little Emma and everyone else part of their little miracle.

They've made it. Eddie still sometimes can't believe it.

[deadflowercollector]

a love letter to the movies without being saccharine and revisionist about it, a hate letter to hollywood without losing sight of the magic of it, larger than life while staying anchored to the ground. that’s babylon baby!!!!!!!!!!

[deadflowercollector]

this is probably the best take I’ve heard so far on the debate of people being told that they aren’t having enough ‘compassion’ for billionaires making bad decisions and paying the obvious consequences for it

[deadflowercollector]

I’ve been thinking about Death in Venice for a few weeks now. It’s a short story and not much happens in it. So why, I thought, it was important enough to be remembered? Just because it was vaguely scandalous? No, it’s too simple, I thought a day after finishing it. Weeks passed and I kept coming back to that novel in my thoughts.

Strarting with 1930s, this story written then would seem like a farce. Even earlier, what exactly did it say to have an impact?

An old famous writer comes to Venice out of bordom. falls in love with a beautiful 14 year old boy, does absolutely nothing, then dies of cholera.

He comes to Venice and hardly goes anywhere apart from the hotel beach. In Venice. The only time he rides a gondola, he’s paranoid and uncomfortable.

When a cholera outbreak strikes, he deduces it and does nothing. He doesn’t even tell his beloved Tadeus’s family that it started.

He’s driven by the dream of the classical beauty. Like the perverts of the XVIII century, he thinks that a wig and rouged cheeks will help him look presentable. They do not.

He’s like a ghost of the dead ideals of the romantic era. The era that ended forever.

In a long dead city with death in its walls, he dies. The last romantic. As ridiculous and impotent as what he believes in.

I get it now.

[deadflowercollector]

in hysterics

[deadflowercollector]

[deadflowercollector]

the thing that people don’t get about djats is that it’s about people who are bad for each other and want what other people can’t give them and resent each other for it anyway. it’s about daisy going after a man she knows will hurt her because she hates herself and because she believes that if the man who loves someone like camila (who’s everything daisy believes she can’t be) can love someone like her then it’ll heal something broken. but it doesn’t. all it does is give her another reason to hate herself and camila Refuses to let her. she tells her that she’s worth saving and daisy’s never had anyone tell her that and that’s what pushes her to get sober. billy sees daisy the same way he sees his addiction and his decision to stay with camila is a decision to change. to not relapse. to be everything his father wasn’t. daisybilly finding each other later in life is them giving each other a second chance. as different people who won’t burn each other up. and the reason both of them are even alive is camila. who told both of them they were worth that second chance. that’s what makes it beautiful and people just don’t. get it!