deadly-dealings

[deadly-dealings]

Stop being Cheap

Stop. Just stop looking for the best deal - or at least when it comes to your deceased LOVED ONE. For real - why is it okay to find the absolute cheapest route to go when dealing with your family member? I get finding the best deal on maybe a car or groceries or something that is expendable but are you saying that your loved one is expendable? 

So let me present this to you in this manner.. 

Today an average traditional burial costs probably 10-15k. This varies based off of casket selected, if you need a vault, which cemetery you go in, so you can never get a true “average” number just because of the variables - but this will include the funeral director making the arrangements, filing any necessary paperwork, coordinating any of the pieces, visitation, service, transportation, casket, vault, stationary, death certificates, opening/closing of a grave, etc.. 

The average cremation - $1,500 - yet everyone wants to find it cheaper - so they will go the route of an $800 cremation - yet you still want for $800 to include the funeral director making the arrangements, filing any necessary paperwork, coordinating any of the pieces, transportation, cremation container, urn, death certificates, etc.. and IF you choose to have services - typically you want to call a funeral home (because typically the $800 cremation places don’t offer services) and you expect that funeral home to do it for a couple hundred dollars because you already had them cremated - so really you just want the funeral director to make the arrangements, coordinating any of the pieces, use their facility (and utilities), use their staff and time, have them do the stationary pieces and videos and music, possibly go to a cemetery and arrange all of those pieces too - so you can get everything for less than $2,000.. 

So why is it okay to expect all the same services for 1/5th the price just because you picked cremation? 

Some want to say “Well it takes less time for a cremation because you didn’t embalm” - oh it does? It takes average 45 min - 1 hour to embalm.. but it takes the average cremation 6 hours. HOW IS THAT LESS TIME? Oh and let’s not forget many crematories are not on the same grounds as the funeral home so you have the drive to the crematory and to pick them up after too.. so again? Where did I save time? 

Another argument: “It is less work for a cremation” - Oh is it? Let’s look at just the paperwork side: for a burial I file a death certificate - for a cremation I have to not only have the family (possibly more than one member) agree and sign off on it, but I have to have the doctor sign and in most states also the coroner give me a permit - plus I have to check for pacemakers and other battery operated devices, remove them - make sure that I have proper identification of them before cremation takes place.. 

“Well that’s just paperwork” - well they still get picked up from the place of passing - often times families still want to view them as well - so still get bathed, possibly dressed, features set - time for the viewing and goodbyes - maybe they also get embalmed and then cremated - maybe they still have a full traditional service before the cremation - maybe they just have visitation and memorial services - hard to say - but none of that makes it less work or time. 

“It costs you less for cremation” - It may cost less for me to run the gas for the cremation versus the chemicals for the embalming - but an average retort costs $100,000 - that’s a lot of cremations to pay for that machinery (plus of course the gas and electric bills that come with it) - BUT that aside what it COULD cost me is my license and my business. If I bury the wrong body - I could unbury them - move them - re-identify them, whatever I need to do - this would still result in probably a lawsuit and someone upset, but ultimately it could be corrected. IF someone cremates the wrong body.. there is no way to undo that, there is no way to identify who was cremated, there is nothing you can do to correct it or fix it and I promise an apology to the family won’t cut it - this is what people lose their licenses and business over - so cremation COULD cost a funeral director EVERYTHING. Yet, you want it for as cheap as possible. 

Also, I assure you most of the “low price” places - don’t do their own removals, don’t run their own machines, and thus never even see your loved one or how they are treated from start to finish of the process - so the bottom line.. 

Would you rather KNOW your loved one is treated as a person and you had all the things handled for you or would you rather KNOW you saved money and got the best deal? 

Stop. Being. Cheap. 

[deadly-dealings]

When the Church Fails You

In my last post I hinted at how my most recent church (that I’ve been attending about 4 years) has failed me - this of course leads people to ask what? Why? How? So let’s dive into that a bit..

We will start with the lack of policies.. the general lack of care and not feeling that we have a church "family".. (all very valid reasons something may fail you). I had mentioned leaving pre-pandemic to my husband and we were just trying to see if that was right, so no this is not entirely because of Covid, but certainly the pandemic didn’t help matters, as then covid came and we continued to have worship and multiple people to create an elaborate livestream when we should have been following stay at home orders and NOT having worship or even anyone in the church really (others managed to live stream with one person from their home... so why not our staff of younger people who know technology?) The church staff continued to post selfies with non-family members right next to us and unmasked.. the church continued to schedule events inviting come one come all and not posting any rules and regulations about masks or distancing.. the "staff" didn’t actually reach out to really anyone to get opinions or feedback but instead did whatever they wanted which resulted in more people getting covid than probably necessary (oh yes we had an outbreak among staff and members alike) - and then only to have someone reach out to see when my husband is coming back to volunteer.. and doesn't understand why he said he isn't so had 2 more people call to see if he is coming back and when. And then to have someone reach out about the church hosting a watch party for a virtual conference (and oh yeah bring some friends too so there’s even MORE people) and I replied that I'm still not doing large gatherings so I wouldn't be there and the reply I got was less than sensitive or sincere when it had to do with “oh having covid myself I get it completely” .. um... no.. I don’t think you do get it or you wouldn’t still be holding these types of events.  I think they finally have accepted our no on not coming back this year.. which primarily is simply because neither one of us quarantined.. we were both essential workers and I have been around covid a lot.. so we don't feel it is smart for us to be around large crowds for their safety because we could be carriers.. no one knows.  

I haven't felt like there was a family for a while. So, I have decided I will not be returning as I have absolutely no desire and likely if I returned I would say some un-nice things to people because my patience has worn thin for the things I see.  In my opinion there is never any communication or reaching out. For example, I grew up in a small church where everyone pretty much knew everyone and when something happened (wedding, funeral, baby, surgery,  whatever..) you always heard from people (not everyone but people) and the Pastor showed up.. that is church family to me.. I mean legit my Pastor from when I was like 8 is still very much a part of my family and attended my wedding. So I was really excited when my husband started taking me to his church because it felt like maybe it was the same.. then the Pastor eventually expressed concerns to my husband about the example he was setting for the children (as he serves in the Youth ministry) because he was living with me and still was not divorced yet legally, so that’s when I felt the judgment began because instead of hearing the story or finding out his history and maybe praying for his successful divorce and/or future would have been more appropriate. Then I was sad about how many we decided to invite to our wedding from our church that either flat ignored the invite or worse rsvp’d and didn't show.. we had a very tight guest list due to space limitations and decided a good portion of it should be for our church family due to that being the people we thought we would being doing life with well into the future and why not begin celebrating that immediately? And so it kind of felt more like a slap in the face.. 

So fast forward a couple months.. where I ended up in the emergency room twice - had my gallbladder removed in a complicated surgery that left me overnight in a hospital for the first time ever.. barely married so my husband was a basket case and then my mom was in a hit and run accident and hospitalized across town.. so I was a basket case as I couldn’t get to her and my sister lives in another city.  This is when the pastor should have shown up.. Any. One. Of. Them.  Or called or text.. and no nothing. I had surgery on a Friday.. I finally heard from somone on Sunday night and ended up having 2 visitors on Tuesday (originally I was supposed to go back to work Tuesday but took an extra day off..) But no one reached out to my husband.. no one offered support while I was in the hospital like with the kids or anything and that is when I knew we still didn't have a church family.  So we naturally started missing more Sundays.. because we were both upset.. really only going the weekends one of us was scheduled to serve.. 

Fast forward a couple more months.. I was fired. Did anyone reach out to see how I was handling it? If we needed anything (cuz I’m the main income)? I mean anything at all.. no. I fought depression most of September (I don’t really think many noticed this because you learn how to be an adult and put on a happy face so often in life) - forced myself to make a decision on my path and went back to work after 3 weeks of being off because we needed the income mainly and I knew I would become more depressed about my situation if I didn’t do something and get back on top. Again - still felt unsupported.. 

So wrap all of this up - where still I cannot handle the things being posted on social from many that attend and are actively involved in our church - I still feel the lack of support - then that’s why I say the church failed me. God didn’t fail me because He is always with me and I know that I am the church without being in a physical building or around other people. He knows what he needs to work on with me and with others and I accept this is part of my path and the plan laid out for me. I just want to be very clear on my stance on this - that I’m not calling into question the plan or path - nor am I even upset with the church failing me. Sometimes it happens. I didn’t attend a church for MANY years due to the disconnect I felt and so maybe this was just the baby stepping stone to where I’m headed. That’s fine. 

[deadly-dealings]

Oh man, where to start this one.. my brain has been swimming..

Okay so I'm not want I would call a religious person or even necessarily Christian some days.. do I believe in something bigger than us? Yes. Do I know if that is God? Eh. Probably but I have such an analytical mind I need to meet him to be sure, ya know? What this means is that I'm okay with whatever people believe. I'm not going to say they must believe in God - just believe in something, okay?

Alright, so with that.. I go to church or well.. I did pre-Covid. I thought it was a pretty great church (don't get me wrong - the sermon is fire and there's some great people) but it failed me (as other churches before it have too) and thats not what this post will dive into but.. that means I've made some friends and today- I had lunch with one of those friends and we talked about death.

Yes, admist a pandemic where people are dying we talked about death. First, I always laugh a little when people apologize about asking me about my views on death or my preferences (my job isn't to have opinions afterall but to provide facts and let you decide). Second, it made me rethink about what I love about this path I'm on (I will dive more into paths later in a post).

So here is what I bring to you today thanks to a wonderful chat with a friend over some chips and salsa.

Please ask the questions. Today reminded me of the faith I have in humanity- because I truly believe we want to be treated with dignity and respect while we are living and yet currently I think we are only getting that once we have become deceased. I say this because my concern doesn't come with if you want to be buried or cremated - my concern comes from knowing you are a person and that you mattered to someone. My concern comes from ensuring you leave with respect and dignity that you earned by being a human and that maybe you were not always granted. Make sure if you are in a position to make decisions you are asking the right questions because if you encounter a Funeral Director who just wants the facts and to tell you a price with no other details or explanations - you are probably just a paycheck to them and your loved one may not get the dignity and respect they deserve so force them to do better and be better - because MAYBE it will trickle into more of humanity doing better and being better while living too.

I was asked why I got into this and why I fell in love with embalming. Oh this took me back to my days of stories (scroll back through this post for those). It took me back to the scum of the earth and the horrible things people do to themselves and to others and my answer.. I fell in love with the art of it. I fell in love with the story and the closure that I can provide. To be the last person to bathe and dress someone, to give a family a piece of their history and memories that isn't riddle with horror and illness - that is an art worth perfecting. I fell in love with the solitude of being able to just be in the moment with the silence so the chaos of life didn't seem so insistent on creeping in. Mostly I fell in love with the story it created. Everyone has a story, I just get to be the final chapter (and I certainly love a good ending).

Curiosity still waned and the questions continued to come- bringing up things my friend hadn't thought of and new perspectives for both of us- because yes almost 12 year into this I still am taught new perspectives and fall in love with the industry all over again. We discussed the need to go back to the funeral directing side of it and wanting to be there for the living as much as the departed. That ultimately the effort exerted is no different for cremation vs burial but society makes us sell cremation for so much less than its true value. We talked about the ease of having someone preplan and being prepared and that maybe physician assisted suicide really would be the most humane thing we could provide to some.

The moral of all of this- I'm not broken yet, this path has not hardened me nor made me insensitive to life's cycles, and I still have more ahead - I cannot wait to begin unpacking so many things in future posts. I'm fully ready to write again.

Stay tuned.

[deadly-dealings]

Not-prepared

(This will be the start of the “new” direction - don’t worry - stories of death will be intermingled still - that’s part of my life too - but for now, just know the topics could be anything)

Have you ever noticed how growing up doesn’t actually prepare you for the things that will come in life? I mean I know people joke all the time about “Had I known _______, I wouldn’t have grown up.” So why is it that we don’t do better to prepare our children? Don’t get me wrong I understand letting kids be kids to an extent too but there are some scenarios I think could be really beneficial as I look back and as I’m helping to raise children, so let’s look at some examples.

1. Tell your kids that sometimes life sucks - For real. We all know that being a kid actually is hard - a teenager even worse - what with bullying and peer pressure and puberty and all the things, but have we stepped back to really let it sink in that if we explain that we’ve been there and it sucked and we made it through, could that help.. I don’t know maybe mental illness? Depression? Suicidal tendencies? Why do we put up this whole persona of “Oh your life isn’t that hard because you are a kid.. just get over it and enjoy it!”?? Stop lying to them! Relate to them! Tell them - hey, I get it! 

2. Why don’t we prepare our kids that there is a cost to everything? I’m not just talking about your food or your house or things of that nature either. Literally, everything has a cost - sometimes it is monetary, sometimes it is emotional, physical, mental - EVERY SINGLE THING has a cost - have you thoroughly explained what some of those costs are and how to know if it is worth the cost? I’m just saying - had I known the cost of giving into peer pressure sometimes would result in more mental issues than I was ready to deal with at 15, 16, 17... then MAYBE I would have fought the pressure more to save myself. Learning that it is okay to say No early on - that would be a true blessing. 

3. Lastly - try to let things be the true decision of your kid - ask them if it is something they want to do without influencing the choice. I know that I personally would have probably said no a lot more in my adult life to requests at jobs and to participating in things if I thought I could ultimately make different choices at that time - but sometimes it is about knowing which decision is right for the moment your path, so it is best to start teaching that at a young age. If your kid doesn’t want to play sports - be okay with it.. if they do.. be okay with that too. Just make sure they understand that it is ultimately their decision to make while also explaining long term. 

I could go on with a longer list of things that I feel like we don’t prepare for - I mean hey, no one warned me about the trials of being a step-parent, but then again neither of my parents were ever really “step-parents” themselves - or at least not during the under 18 years of life.. so sometimes things are just hard to prepare because you don’t know yourself. 

[deadly-dealings]

I find myself yearning to write again.. but about everything. Life, death, and the things in between.. so this might start to morph a bit as I will likely start writing about any and everything that I won't post on social..

Stay with me if you choose. You can always comment if you want. I'm just going to be over here doing me. Hope you find something useful out of it.

[deadly-dealings]

Here we are.. more than a month into this. Now they talk about the "re-opening" and people want to ask what that makes a funeral look like.

The cases haven't stopped. We still get COVID cases, but we can go back to "open".. well.. minus receiving lines at visitations.. or hugging or shaking hands.. or sitting too close to each other.. or having a full chapel at all. Oh and if you are there more than 10 minutes, give me all of your contact information - just in case.

None of that is normal or being "open". We still have families requesting private family services just in case and people still calling to ask if they can come even though they aren't family.. well can we send flowers? Is that allowed these days? How about we stream the service to everyone who can't attend? It isn't at all weird to watch a funeral on Facebook, right?

Everyone wants to talk about it being unnecessary to stay home - but I still see cases - the death toll is still increasing. You have areas of the country so overwhelmed with bodies that they have to ship them out of state for storage and can't guarantee cremation will occur in under a 3 week period! Normally we can guarantee that to happen in under 5 days.

The thing is though.. we were never closed - so how can we say we are open again anyway? I'm not sure what the new normal will be yet.. but I can tell you - this is opening up people's eyes on why we have funerals and hospice and so many other things during our final days..

[deadly-dealings]

Week 1

It’s been a week since the first call came in with a deceased being positive for COVID-19 at my particular location.. we have had 4 more since then though. Now it seems almost normal to ask if they have it when we take a call.. almost. 

What is still not normal though.. telling a family their funeral mass is limited to 9 people maximum in the church. Telling a family they absolutely cannot view their loved one who is Covid positive unless they are embalmed - for the sake of ourselves, staff, and their family. Telling people that they can go on to Facebook to live stream the services if they wish. Telling people that maybe in May we can have services, but June might be more realistic. Standing in a cemetery with people distanced across the field so no one within 6 feet of those who are not their own immediate family members. Sitting in a car to observe a service. 

I don’t think these things will ever feel normal. I continue to hear about friends losing their loved ones and about family’s not able to come together for the services - it just downright sucks. That is the only good way to describe it. I get people missing their friends and family and social functions, but it doesn’t compare to the people who cannot say good-bye to someone they miss because they are no longer here. Most of us will come out of this alive and get back to our life - but so many are not doing that. Plus, I think of all of the emotional impacts not being able to fully mourn a death is going to bring. Mental health is a big thing that needs to be nurtured right now - so it has me worried what the next “wave” will be... 

I just have to remember that sometimes, despite not being normal right now - you can still have a shot of whiskey in a cemetery as you see all of your friends and family gathered in the same public space.. even a social distanced space.. and it brings you a little bit of comfort. We will survive this. Eventually. 

[deadly-dealings]

It begins..

I have been waiting for it. I knew it would come. It was a matter of when, not if.

The death call came. I knew the location and left my house to head that way. I called the nurse to inquire if there was family present, anything I needed to know.. the usual things that I needed. The response that I have been waiting for.. "They have COVID positive. You probably need to know that."

So it begins.

At that moment, I knew it was time to call my husband - I wouldn't be able to go in the house immediately when I returned home so if he could leave my robe for me in the garage so I could strip down - and make sure the washer was empty.

I had to get extra gear before heading to the call. Face mask - check. Body bag (which I hate using on a removal) - check. Disinfectant spray - check. Gloves - always, check. Hand sanitizer - check. Lysol wipes - check.

I am let in the side door of the facility to their COVID wing. I ask how many more.. at least 6 more known - number rising. I think to myself "I'll be back." I'm asked if I want a gown and shoe covers. Extra precautions. Just in case. I talk with the nurse about this being her first too. She has kids. She is concerned about going home, too. Her husband still works out of the house as well. We talk about how this one was at least fast. Less than 2 days since the positive result. Didn't suffer.. but no family could visit for the last 6 weeks. Sad.

I leave, but before I get in the car I have to take off all my PPE, except my face mask - they are covered with 3 layers.. but just in case. Use the hand sanitizer. Get back to my building. Wipe everything in the front of the vehicle down that I could have possibly touched. More hand sanitizer. Get them in the building - wipe everything down that I could have touched again. Wash my hands - twice. Once I leave my building and the body - I take off my face mask. I head home. Once I'm there - I take off all my clothes including my shoes and put them straight in the washer. Put on my robe, straight upstairs to the shower. Just in case. I have kids and a husband too. I can't risk passing it on.

I finally get to go to sleep. All the while I'm thinking, "no one told me in the beginning of this career that often times it would be so isolating.. so dangerous.. so heartbreaking.. so draining.. so many things" Here's the thing though - no one can ever know all the things it may be for any given person. All I do know is that this is the one time all embalmers and Funeral Directors are on the exact same learning curve. None of us know the next steps - one organization says absolutely do not embalm anyone with it while another says take the precautions but no evidence it is still harmful once someone is deceased.. so then do you rob a family of a decision because of who you listen to? Or do you jeopardize yourself and those around you day in and day out?

It is already unbearable to tell people funerals are limited, but to force them into a decision.. but yes. For the first time in 11 years, I hated walking into the removal. I feared the unknown of what I was subjecting myself to. I feared the unknown of what I would be taking home. But I still did the job. And I will do it again tomorrow and the day after...

And..

Less than 24 hours later.. the next call came for the next one. It has started. It was never a matter of if. Only of when. And when is now.

Now, I brace myself for how many more.

Now, I begin to feel the decisions being made by colleagues in CA and NY and every other "hot spot ".

Now, I rely on faith. And I know exactly who is robbed of something.

Every. Single. Person.

[deadly-dealings]

Stop. Just stop..

"Don't live your life scared or in fear.."

"You are a child of God and need to have faith"

"Oh think of all of the seniors robbed of their whole senior year"

"This is being blown out of proportion and won't affect us here.."

The sayings and quotes go on of things that I frankly don't want to see any more of and that I want to unfriend people on social media for. Not even kidding.

Let's take it one by one though..

"Don't live your life scared or in fear.."

First, you cannot tell someone else to not be scared or fearful because frankly, we all should be to an extent. Do I think everyone who gets COVID will die? Of course not. I have enough background and education in Science to understand that the recovery rate will be higher than the death rate, but that doesn't mean that there isn't a degree of fear that is present. Fear for friends and family who I know will die if they get it or fear that I will be the carrier who passes it on. It doesn't mean we stop everything we are doing and hide in a closet, but it does mean we need to be smart about it. It also means you need to stop judging other people's reactions and telling them to stop - everyone handles life's storms DIFFERENTLY. Accept it.

"You are a child of God and need to have faith"

This is not really relevant in my opinion. How do you know people don't have faith? I think most people are rising in their faith even more during this actually. So trying to say this alone with change people's actions or thoughts or fears is just completely insane. Again, stop telling people how to react. It is that simple.

"Oh think of all of the seniors robbed of their whole senior year"

No one has been robbed of their entire year of anything. People have been unfortunately made to miss out on many major life events during this 2 month period, but no one has been out of an entire year (yet). So stop exaggerating it. Also stop saying they were robbed - because to be robbed means you had something stolen and not returned - and many schools, organizations, etc will try to reschedule these things, thus you have been temporarily delayed. Not robbed. If nothing gets rescheduled, we can revisit the terminology, but also why are we only focused on seniors? Sure, there are a lot of events senior year.. but you have kids missing out on 6th grade and 8th grade graduations too.. haven't heard much about that. You have people who are missing out on college graduations. You have people unable to celebrate milestones like turning 100 or a 50th wedding anniversary or birth of their child. You have people unable to be with their dying loved one or at their funeral (guess what - death cannot be rescheduled so you will never get that moment back..) I'm just saying if you are going to post something maybe take the approach of "We have all been robbed of something during this and for that I'm truly devastated". Anyone think about that? Anyone think that maybe what is more important right now is that some of those seniors don't have food or a safe environment so they don't care about prom or graduation, just about how they are going to survive? Anyone think about how maybe this has saved some lives because kids aren't being bullied and contemplating suicide? Or aren't drinking and driving at prom? Or so many other scenarios? Why can we not find the blessings that are hidden in some of life's obstacles. Maybe we should go back to you are a child of God and figure out what God is putting on our hearts and how He is asking us to grow right now - because maybe it is all about bigger picture/perspective.

"This is being blown out of proportion and won't affect us here.."

This is by far the most ludacris thing I have seen floating out there because if it isn't affecting you - in some way, shape or form - you must be living under a rock. Life has changed for everyone even if you don't directly know anyone diagnosed or suffering right now, there is still a new normal happening right now that we are all still adjusting to. Some of us adjust by being scared, some adjust by placing our faith highest, while others have to focus on those who are losing more than they are so it makes them not realize their loss, but we have all been affected. It is here. It isn't being blown out of proportion. It is only going to go away if you take the precautions you should and social distance like it is recommended.

So.. in summary.. stop focusing on all the negatives and figure out how to rise above and be a positive. Because I'm sure most of you are tired of the negative and need the positive as badly as I do.

More to come...

[deadly-dealings]

COVID-19 - You suck.

Hello 2020 and COVID-19, you are currently on my list of dislikes.

I am a Funeral Director, but I can't really direct funerals. Let me explain. *warning: you may not like my opinions as they unfold on the topic of COVID-19 - feel free to not read*

I am a funeral director and embalmer. This means that I agree to take care of the living who mourn the loss of their loved one, while also taking care of the deceased to make them presentable for their last "hurrah". This means I signed up knowing I would be exposed to all the scum of the world and the violence they create. All of the diseases, yes all of them. All of the family drama. All of the arguments and anger and grief and denial and resentment and secrets and so on. Yes. All. Of. It.

I do this daily. Without fail and without falter. Some families make me cry (sometimes with them even - but often alone and away from them). Some families pierce the wall I have skillfully built to distance myself so I'm not taking it all home, while others make me laugh nonstop. I do this job because I feel I am meant to do this. I do this job because I want to. I do this job because I think it is important for people to say goodbye. To have closure. To have peace with their journey. To celebrate a life lived.

Today, in 2020, we are in uncharted territory and not able to do the true job we signed up for. This is because we have been ordered to not have funerals. They are considered a social gathering and should have less than 10 people. Sure, sometimes families are small and this works - but by and large people know more than 10 people. How do you choose who gets to come? How do you tell a family that they have to choose? How do you not allow every person affected by that life be able to celebrate it? That is what I'm supposed to do - I'm supposed to bring people together in their final celebration. Yet... I'm not supposed to. I'm supposed to go against every fiber of my being and tell a family no. This makes me feel empty. It makes me feel like I have lost my compassion. It makes me feel that I am stunting their grief and making it more complicated. It makes me feel like I am letting them down.

Mix that with the fact that currently you cannot visit people in nursing homes or hospitals. This means by and large people are dying without anyone by their side. This means I get to listen to the stories of how they haven't seen their loved one in weeks and now. Now I tell them - short viewing with 10 or less people. You can livestream it if you want, but the service must be 10 or less people whether indoors or at a graveside, or we need to stagger the viewing so more than 10 people aren't here together at the same time. Oh, so you have 6 kids, spouses and 12 grandkids? Well, I would say just the kids get to come, grandkids can stay home with the other parent. Or if we have a graveside, they can all come but space out - keep your social distance. Don't hug or shake hands. Wear face masks. Yes even the preacher is in a face mask.

This is the new reality right now. Some places it is even slimmer options - direct burial or direct cremation. Period. No viewing. No service. No nothing. This makes me feel empty because it has broken my heart. How do you tell someone who hasnt seen their loved one in weeks, didn't get to be with them as they died, that they also cant see them or celebrate them!? It goes against everything that a funeral director is. It goes against everything that I am. I believe in a dignified death and Hospice - this is why I volunteer for Hospice and am working on my End of Life Doula certs - but here we are unable to do any of these things because everyone is in isolation.

I feel empty because I don't get or give the hugs at the end of a service after I know it was all perfectly done for that individual. I don't shake hands or even offer the use of my pen (there is a freshly disinfected one on the table for signing things- assuming you didn't bring your own as most do). I use hand sanitizer as soon as you leave and then begin disinfecting everywhere I think you touched and I touched, so the next person who comes in might be safe. Keyword: might. I don't know if they truly are.

Everything that I feel needs to be done and everything that I am used to doing is currently just not allowed. I cannot direct funerals, but I am a Funeral Director, so I feel empty instead. This is just the tip of the iceberg though...

[deadly-dealings]

Hi. I've been gone awhile now.. heres the thing about writing. Some days I am motivated to do it and other days I'm not. This is true with anything in life.. but it was suggested during quarantine I get back to it. I have stories. I always have stories. The next post wont be a popular one I imagine, but then again who still is out there reading this anyway? 🤷‍♀️

[deadly-dealings]

Children

Warning - this will not be a happy post - this is a post in fact about the fact that children die.

No one likes to think about death - so many people can't even come to terms with their own death and they tend to be in their 60's, 70's, 80's.. but the fact of the matter is death knows no age and no limits. All of us are on the path from birth to die, there is no way to sugar coat that. There is no escaping it. There is of course a way to live and make it a joyous journey to the end goal.. or at least for those who get a full life.

I've seen all ages - from 0 - 107 - over my career. I find that stillbirths are a little easier - not because parents and families don't still mourn but because we didn't truly get to know them. We didn't see their personality or their first steps, we just knew of them and that we had begun developing hopes and dreams for them and that we now have a void and an empty place that was supposed to be filled by memories with them.

To this day, nothing is worse than a child though - usually ranging in ages from days to 18 years. The sobs and screams of mothers and fathers are something a funeral director can never get out of their head. You also never forget the families. As a funeral director - these are the strongest bonds I tend to make with families because the unimaginable has happened to these parents - the emotions are real and raw, no matter the cause of death.

I can still recall vividly walking a family into a church for the first view of their infant daughter.. she looked just like a little doll all dressed up and lying in her casket. You really couldn't see anything wrong with her or the picture before you - other than she was too young to be in the casket. As we walked forward, the mother began to shake a little and when we got to the casket, both parents collapsed to their needs and rang out with pain and anguish. How could their child be here when she was such a vibrant light in their life? Those sobs and screams are something that resound within the church walls - everyone feels them - yet no one can truly relate and be there in their grief with them.

On the opposite spectrum, I can recall taking care of a teenager who took their own life - and although the pain and the grief were very present (seen in the siblings and the parents) - they took their sobs to make a statement. Through their tears they got in front of approximately 300 people to talk about suicide and how it affects a family. They spoke about the strength needed to come together and to get through this episode in life and how the life should not be forgotten. Those words and their reactions still stick with me as well.

There is never an easy way to approach the death of a child (sometimes that child is in their 40s or 50s as well - so I'm not trying to say it doesn't come at all ages - as many adult children go before their adult parents) - nothing about it is easy. Currently, within my family we are watching one of our children slowly die from a disease that cannot be cured and I know that when the day comes, the reactions and emotion from the various family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc - will stick with me just as they do with every other child lost over my years, but this time it will be an even closer feeling due to the relationship. I dare to say - it will likely be the hardest service to witness.

So, although not a happy post - bear in mind that your family and your friends are put here for a certain period of time. We don't know how long and therefore we should treasure the time and the moments.

[deadly-dealings]

Is this the comeback?

I keep getting asked if I keep up on my blog - and when I will start writing again. It is certainly not that I don't have the urge to - believe me, I think about writing things all the time. However, I've also struggled with how do I truly tell some of these stories. Some things are so touching and some are so agonizing - does that really come across in a word?

Do I talk about the ups and downs and how I thought briefly about leaving this industry - walking away from it all. So I can't promise the consistency and I can't promise the direction.. but lets see what we come up with and where we go.

[deadly-dealings]

Paths

It is interesting the path I have found myself on. Never in a million years would I have thought I would find something I'm so passionate about, let alone have the support from others to continue along my path. It's not an easy path, which might be the understatement of the year.. but it is such a humbling path and an enlightening one. Why you might ask? I learn things about myself every day. I learn what people do to be remembered and leave a mark on this world, which makes me want to do things differently to ensure I'm remembered for the good and not the bad. I get to see how many lives are touched by individuals and reflect on how many I have touched in my few years here. I get to hear about adventures and life fulfillment, as well as those who didn't get to accomplish everything that had hoped to, which again makes me think about what is important in life and what I hope to achieve. It's amazing to me to see the people who have been together 50+ years and still speak so fondly of their love. I'm always heartbroken with the parents who have lost a child, because it's not how things should be. I ponder the decisions that lead people to take their own lives or how someone can take the life of another. Every day is a new path.. a new story.. a new adventure. Every day I have things I want to share with the world about this path I'm on. Today, I begin to start again.. my stories need to be shared even if just with a handful of people..

[deadly-dealings]

Missing

I miss writing.. I should do it more often - but when I get to it, I tend to run out of time and then life happens (more often death really) and I get distracted and off course again.. there are so many things I would love to just lay out here though, so I am hoping that one day soon I will be able to..

The stories I could tell now that I'm on yet another chapter of this adventure. I'm not the General Manager of a Funeral Home & Cemetery.. so I've worked from student to office admin to removal team to apprentice to embalmer to funeral director to manager to GM.. that's quite the feat in 8 years in a career I had no idea that I would fall in love with and be passionate about.. nor did I know the people I would meet or the turns I would take. Life's funny that way though.. expect the unexpected and you will still be surprised.

I hope to talk to you all soon..

[deadly-dealings]

Oh. It's always something..

People ask me regularly how I do my job daily.. well, if I wanted to be an ass I could reply with, "just like you do.. I get up, I drive to work, I do the job thing, I go home, then I repeat it.." but I know what they are truly asking.. how do I deal with death every day? Well, first: I don't. Yes it is true people die every day somewhere.. but that doesn't mean they are using me, my location, etc every day, it just means I may have a 1/1000th chance my phone may ring (or whatever the local odds are..) Second: I do this because I want to and I love it, which really doesn't make it a job so much. I enjoy going to work, seeing my coworkers (usually.. if they are sick I'm less thrilled and being the boss that says, "go home, please!! I don't want your germs..") and I certainly enjoy meeting new people and getting to learn the legacies left behind. Third: I never know what I'm going to get. It's a surprise every time!! From the family stumbling in drunk to the family who smells so much like pot to the family sobbing uncontrollably to the family who just can't stop laughing. My job is 100% unpredictable as to who might walk through the door on any given day. All of these things combined, plus the fact that it's just sometimes fun to see the reaction when you tell someone you are a funeral director.. that's how i do my job every day. It's always something new...

[deadly-dealings]

Accusations get you nowhere..

Let me start by saying that I understand losing someone you love is hard and it sucks and you want to explain it or blame someone for it... and sometimes you just can't and that makes it even worse. I do in fact understand all those things... What I don't understand is how someone can go someplace (any place for that matter) and start spouting accusations about things. For example, don't ask someone a question and then when you receive an answer respond with, "Oh there it is, there's the part where you try and rip people off. You just want to play on someone's emotions to steal their money, don't you? You have no morals or feelings and just want to demand money out of people.." Um, no.. that's not what we do. What we do is we answer your questions, provide you with options to your choices, and try to help you make the best choice for yourself and your budget, but SOMETIMES what you want doesn't fit in your budget, and I can't fix that. Sorry.. there's things I want that don't fit in my budget in life and I accept that.. this goes back to the whole debate of, what about if you pre-plan, thus pre-pay... eh. (We seriously aren't in the business of creating debt.. we want to help, but nothing in life (or death) is free, I'm sorry). Here's another thing you don't do.. ask a question, receive an answer, and say, "well I'm so glad you want to avoid the question.. I bet if I call the news and get them involved you will answer the question.. otherwise everyone will know what liars you are and how you care about no one." Um, your question was answered.. you did not like the answer, but it remains the answer. There is no avoidance or lie, so why do you have to threaten things?? Accept the answer. (Side note: this can literally pertain to any topic.. I've been accused about lying about services for someone.. um, no we don't have them here but I googled the obituary and it appears they are at ____________ funeral home, would you like their number?? Oh, I know they are there! Why won't you just tell me when you are having the services...) This list can continue at a later time.. those are things to ponder, especially as I don't know how we got to this untrusting, accusatory state that we live in...